I'd like to hunt you again, my sweet.

September 18, 2009 12:04 PM

I'm in a great longterm relationship - but I miss flirting. I have no desire to flirt with anyone but my guy, except... how do I recreate that feeling of excitement and butterflies that flirting brings? I've always felt that this excitement springs from the subtlety and not-knowing-ness of where it might go. When a relationship is already established, what actions would feel close to that?

(Maybe a weird question to ask anonymously, but I'd rather not tie relationship questions to my account, if that's alright.)

Relevant info: mid-twenties for both of us, going on 6 years, heterosexual couple, living together. If that changes any advice!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total)

Have you ever tried the "pretend we don't know each other and we're trying to pick each other up" game? It sounds like there's no way it would work -- I mean, you really do know each other -- but if you're both up for it, it's surprising how well it can work.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:06 PM on September 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

nthing the "pretend we're strangers" thing. I also suggest as a flirting substitute, doing little secret suggestive things (ie. whispering in his ear what you want to do to him later, etc) while in public can be very thrilling.
posted by gwenlister at 12:08 PM on September 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

flirting is a very natural and normal thing to do. It fulfills your need (and that of others) to show, demonstrate that you are still attracitve sexually to others and desireable. My wife notes that I often do this at any gatherings and in restaurants (waitresses) but worries not at all. I am 80.
But I do imagine that it can be annoying for your boyfriend. What if he does it each time he sees you doing it? how would you feel, react?
posted by Postroad at 12:30 PM on September 18, 2009 [11 favorites]

Why did you stop flirting? As Postroad says, it's just as much fun even when you're not looking for a relationship or hookup or whatever. It keeps you sharp.

Heck, I wouldn't know how to stop.
posted by rokusan at 12:34 PM on September 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

More generally, play make-believe. Engage in activities where you don't know how things will turn out - games, storytelling, anything. They needn't have any intrinsic erotic content; heck, the intensity of a well-played game of Carcassonne or Scrabble over a bottle of wine can bring out all kinds of unexpected behaviour.

Keep secrets from him. Literally introduce something new he doesn't know about you. When you reveal yourself (perhaps literally...), challenge him to do the same.

Dance together. My wife and I took a tango class to prepare for our wedding dance; the whole class was awkward at first, then interested, then eager, and this electricity began to creep into it. At times it was flirting without flirting, you know? Trying to create something with/in another person through careful listening, bodily attunement, shared thought...wonderful.

Flirting is risky. How much is at stake in your interactions? How can you raise those stakes?
posted by waxbanks at 12:34 PM on September 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Maybe sign up for a speed dating event together, with some obvious boundaries.
posted by cior at 12:44 PM on September 18, 2009

Dreams! I mean the kind when you're sleeping.

(Not really very satisfying, I know.)
posted by torticat at 12:44 PM on September 18, 2009

flirt with each other when you are in situations that absolutely inhibit the possibility of fooling around. it will get you both riled up :)
posted by supermedusa at 12:52 PM on September 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

Maybe sign up for a speed dating event together, with some obvious boundaries.

As someone who just went to a speed-dating-type singles event and found out that one of the participants was in a relationship, please don't do this. It's disrespectful as hell to the people who are actually there to try to meet someone.
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:52 PM on September 18, 2009 [9 favorites]

Dogs flirt with us. And, I suspect, small children do. What can be wrong with it?
posted by RichardS at 12:56 PM on September 18, 2009

I flirt with girls all the time. It is part of life. It is fun. There is no need for it to stop just because you are in a relationship. I mean, I am not disrespectful about it. I don't do it in front of my wife or get all gross about it, but if a girl is batting her eyes at me then I will turn on a bit of the charm. Did anybody touch my penis? No? Then who is hurt?
posted by ND¢ at 1:13 PM on September 18, 2009

Try role-playing:

You're Angelina Jolie, He's Brad Pitt.
You're the chambermaid, he's the Lord of the manor.
You're the society lady, he's the cabana boy.
You live in a trailer in the middle of nowhere. He has a Trans-am.
You're a teenage girl. He's a vampire (sparkling optional).

Or as others have suggested, flirt with your man as if you have never met him before.
posted by misha at 1:59 PM on September 18, 2009

I think a lot of the fun in flirting involves impressing the other person with witty sparkliness. If you stop thinking about it as flirting, and instead view it as opportunities to continue being that particular witty person out in the wide world of other people, perhaps it will keep you from that fear of being perceived as somehow unfaithful to your partner.

Find more opportunities to be as sharp and sparkling as you can be. Some sort of social interaction that encourages cleverness and thinking on your feet, whether it's board games or theater or regular coffee shop discussion times with acquaintances. If you meet a fascinating new person, let yourself develop a friend crush, and be that cleaned-up charming version of yourself with them.

The same with your partner, really. Being comfortable around someone is terrific, but it's good to try and surprise them by reminding them of the verve that first attracted.
posted by redsparkler at 2:00 PM on September 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

Dance together. My wife and I took a tango class to prepare for our wedding dance;

And also, in a lot of dance classes you have to regularly switch partners.
posted by electroboy at 2:13 PM on September 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

my boyfriend and i flirt constantly with each other. when we're walking into the store he'll playfully swat my backside. when we're waiting at the car repair place, i'll run my nails oh so lightly down his arm. just yesterday i promised i would kiss him all over his neck, so when we went for an evening walk i stopped him on the sidewalk and gave him about 50 tiny quick kisses on one side of his neck. nothing sleazy or over the top PDA, but enough to give the other person a giggle, a blush, and some goosebumps. i hope we're still doing that sort of stuff in 40 years.
posted by nadawi at 2:49 PM on September 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Watch the Cosby show! They do it great! Be excited about stuff to do together, even if it's mundane. Get a little goofy about an average dinner and take it from there.
posted by RollingGreens at 3:28 PM on September 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

You might reconsider flirting with people other than your partner. My mom used to say, "Flirting is the most fun when you both* know that nothing is going to happen as a result."

* "Both" meaning both parties to the flirting. It's also important that both parties in your relationship feel comfortable that nothing is going to happen as a result.
posted by Lexica at 7:16 PM on September 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I knew a friend I travelled with who was a major flirt. His girlfriend at the time travelled with us too, and she didn't mind - she knew that he would always go back to her. It was good fun.
posted by divabat at 7:56 PM on September 18, 2009

Anecdata: most of my immediate friend group (mid-to-late 20s) feel that flirting with other people is perfectly acceptable in a relationship as long as that's all it is: flirting for flirting's sake. There was some disagreement about whether your partner should be informed of this or if flirting with other people was implicitly allowed. We also had some debate about whether flirting in front of your partner was cool or not.

For what it's worth, I also have a friend who considers flirting tantamount to cheating, so I suggest you discuss this with your partner first.

Final note: people's concepts of flirting vary immensely. For some the line is drawn at pleasant banter with a member of the opposite sex, for some highly sexualised text messaging is perfectly acceptable.
posted by slimepuppy at 3:42 AM on September 19, 2009

Cosby Show is a great idea. Cliff Huxtable is a role model in many ways (I often watch that show for parenting "advice," because he's probably the best television dad ever), and one of them is as a romantic, rock-solid man in a long-term relationship.
posted by jbickers at 7:14 AM on September 19, 2009

Mid-twenties, long term, live-in, hetero-relationship here, too:

I pondered over this question for a while to try and think if there's anything my S.O. an I do that I can relate to the question and it actually made me realize something I'd never really thought about. He and I are both very reserved when it comes to PDA. When we're at social gatherings we mingle and do our own thing and rarely hold hands or hug (or even more rarely, kiss). Once, we were hugging outside of a restaurant after dinner and a friend asked me, "are you leaving?" assuming the hug must have been "for a reason."

I've found that, because of this, when we do hug or kiss or hold hands in public, it's still very exciting to me. It's definitely different than affection at home. It feels more like it felt when we were first dating (over four years ago). It feels secretive and new. It even has a similar effect when we're just strolling around Target, albeit a little less exciting.

Maybe you two could practice being less affectionate in public (assuming, of course, that you are currently affectionate in public). Try not to be around eachother too much in social settings. Then, when the two of you bump into eachother at the drink-table, you can steal a kiss or whisper something in his ear, and it will feel novel.
posted by a.steele at 3:48 PM on September 19, 2009

Also, I feel like the flirting-with-other-people thing is a little off-topic, considering you asked specifically about flirting within the relationship, but I think it is valid advice. I would say that my S.O. and I both flirt with other people in non-threatening ways and it appeases that part of our ego that wants to feel witty or charming or attractive. I guess it depends on what you consider to be flirting. What "flirting" we do occurs primarily within our established group of friends and is little more than spirited conversation. But I have to admit, having an unsolicited compliment from a guy friend it slightly more flattering than if it came from my S.O. or a girl friend. I try to give out these same compliments when they're appropriate, and that feels a little like flirting to me.
posted by a.steele at 3:57 PM on September 19, 2009