Relationship emotional hangover is getting in the way of new fun
September 16, 2009 8:10 AM Subscribe
I've been hanging out with a girl for a while, just as friends because she's had a boyfriend for as long as I've known her. I am, of course, into her. She's intelligent and beautiful and laughs at my jokes--all that good stuff. So, I was honestly quite pleased when she started having problems with her boyfriend. Every couple of days, we'd see each other and she'd tell me about some other dick thing he'd said. She'd also started sitting closer to me, touching me on the arm when we talked, and holding on a little too long when we hugged. My experience with women is somewhat limited (I've had two serious girlfriends), but I could see that she liked me.
The last girl I dated had been a friend for six years and then we spent the last two years being involved romantically on an on again off again basis. The last time we split was in June and she said some things about my body that have had me a little messed up. In particular, she mentioned that she was unimpressed with my penis, which is a bit small (5 inches, but not very thick), and thought that I could stand to lose some weight. Anyway, I was obviously very hurt by all of this, and have been feeling a bit unmanned by the whole thing.
About a week ago, the new girl was taking some time off from her boyfriend when she invited me over to hang out with her and some friends. When I got there, she was alone and told me that everyone had already left. We sat around and drank for a while and we both got a little drunk. She got drunk enough to admit that she liked me and things went from there. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop thinking about my body and the things my old girlfriend had said. Thus, I wasn't able to get hard that night or in the morning. It was embarrassing and made me feel further unmanned. We went to breakfast the next morning and she seemed happy--I had managed to bring her to orgasm several times--but I was feeling pathetic. I walked her back to her place and she told me she needed to think about things.
She told me last week that she'd broken up with her boyfriend, but that was only after I contacted her. She hasn't made an effort to get in touch with me since the night we got together. But I have seen her around town a few times and she's been really friendly. I guess my question is: what should I do? Give her some time? Run away after the bad performance in bed? Talk to her about my bad performance? I really like this girl--a lot. But I feel embarrassed and I don't know if another roll in the hay would go any better right now. I don't know how to get my confidence back, but I really would like to make things happen with this young lass.
The last girl I dated had been a friend for six years and then we spent the last two years being involved romantically on an on again off again basis. The last time we split was in June and she said some things about my body that have had me a little messed up. In particular, she mentioned that she was unimpressed with my penis, which is a bit small (5 inches, but not very thick), and thought that I could stand to lose some weight. Anyway, I was obviously very hurt by all of this, and have been feeling a bit unmanned by the whole thing.
About a week ago, the new girl was taking some time off from her boyfriend when she invited me over to hang out with her and some friends. When I got there, she was alone and told me that everyone had already left. We sat around and drank for a while and we both got a little drunk. She got drunk enough to admit that she liked me and things went from there. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop thinking about my body and the things my old girlfriend had said. Thus, I wasn't able to get hard that night or in the morning. It was embarrassing and made me feel further unmanned. We went to breakfast the next morning and she seemed happy--I had managed to bring her to orgasm several times--but I was feeling pathetic. I walked her back to her place and she told me she needed to think about things.
She told me last week that she'd broken up with her boyfriend, but that was only after I contacted her. She hasn't made an effort to get in touch with me since the night we got together. But I have seen her around town a few times and she's been really friendly. I guess my question is: what should I do? Give her some time? Run away after the bad performance in bed? Talk to her about my bad performance? I really like this girl--a lot. But I feel embarrassed and I don't know if another roll in the hay would go any better right now. I don't know how to get my confidence back, but I really would like to make things happen with this young lass.
Get a date. Go outl. Have fun. Don't get drunk. Do it. Tell her how you feel about her before and after.
posted by Postroad at 8:25 AM on September 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by Postroad at 8:25 AM on September 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
Well, she said she needed to think about things, so my suggestion would be to let her think. DO NOT rush her on this. It is a surefire method to push her away. She's just broken up with her boyfriend and will probably need some time to get over that. Let her have that time (but you don't have to disappear entirely either. Talking when you see her around town is completely appropriate, and in a few weeks it might be reasonable to increase communication beyond that.)
As for your self confidence issues. Hell, everyone has those. She apparently had a good time that evening (if I'm reading your question, correctly) so I think you could use that right there as a confidence boost. I'd be willing to bet that her lack of contact is more about her recent breakup than any perceived poor performance on your part (emphasis on the word 'perceived.' The performance wasn't poor if she had a blast.) Ignore what your ex said about you before. That's one (very spiteful) person's opinion, and you're with someone completely new now. It's what your new friend thinks that mattters, and based on her willingness to initiate things, I'd say she thinks your body is just swell.
posted by Rewind at 8:32 AM on September 16, 2009
As for your self confidence issues. Hell, everyone has those. She apparently had a good time that evening (if I'm reading your question, correctly) so I think you could use that right there as a confidence boost. I'd be willing to bet that her lack of contact is more about her recent breakup than any perceived poor performance on your part (emphasis on the word 'perceived.' The performance wasn't poor if she had a blast.) Ignore what your ex said about you before. That's one (very spiteful) person's opinion, and you're with someone completely new now. It's what your new friend thinks that mattters, and based on her willingness to initiate things, I'd say she thinks your body is just swell.
posted by Rewind at 8:32 AM on September 16, 2009
Didn't we just cover "consider the source" in the other thread about the guy with the crazy ex who most likely said intentionally hurtful things? I think it bears repeating: consider the source.
Seriously, you did nothing wrong. Chances are you both just feel a bit awkward. I'd follow Postroad's advice because, hey, carpe diem and all that. Good luck!
posted by Alterscape at 8:32 AM on September 16, 2009
Seriously, you did nothing wrong. Chances are you both just feel a bit awkward. I'd follow Postroad's advice because, hey, carpe diem and all that. Good luck!
posted by Alterscape at 8:32 AM on September 16, 2009
Call her, go on a date. It sounds like she likes you, so have fun. It doesn't sound like you have any reason to feel pathetic; it sounds like the things that were said to you were designed to hurt you and play on any insecurities you might have. That's a pretty cruel thing to do, but you should see it for what it is and not let it interefere with your life. Good luck.
posted by Elmore at 8:33 AM on September 16, 2009
posted by Elmore at 8:33 AM on September 16, 2009
Forget the 'bad performance' thing for now. That's just something in your own mind that you need to work out; it would be unfair to go into much detail about it right now when you don't even know what the status of your relationship is. She loved the attention you gave her; to her it was probably really sweet that you put her pleasure first. Your anxiety is something to bring up next time the two of you plan to get intimate (preferably without being drunk). For now, just let her know that you had a great time.
She's just come out of a relationship with someone else. It's quite possible that she feels she wants a little space and doesn't want to hurt you by turning to you 'on the rebound'. It sounds like she's interested, but perhaps she doesn't want to rush into anything too serious too fast.
Just be available, spend time with her like you were before, give her plenty of space, and don't pressure her into a full-on relationship just yet. If the conversation arises, let her know that you like her and would like to pursue things further, but that you understand that she needs time to think things through.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 8:34 AM on September 16, 2009
She's just come out of a relationship with someone else. It's quite possible that she feels she wants a little space and doesn't want to hurt you by turning to you 'on the rebound'. It sounds like she's interested, but perhaps she doesn't want to rush into anything too serious too fast.
Just be available, spend time with her like you were before, give her plenty of space, and don't pressure her into a full-on relationship just yet. If the conversation arises, let her know that you like her and would like to pursue things further, but that you understand that she needs time to think things through.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 8:34 AM on September 16, 2009
She probably hasn't contacted you because she may be afriad that you're not into her. As much as you're feeling unmanned not being able to get it up, she's feeling unwomanned by you not being able to get hard. Both you and her will feel a bit hurt from this. You at least know what's going on in your head; she doesn't know that this has nothing to do with her.
If you want to get past this, you're going to have to tell her all of this, and you're going to have to both agree to some low stress, no expectation play time.
Don't get rip-roaring drunk; whiskey dick is common enough that it's got it's own term. Have at most one drunk next time that you expect to play; enough to lower inhibitions/worry, but hopefully not enough to impact performance. And then you need to be in the moment; not panicking about the future or past, or letting "oh no"'s fill your head. Yes, that is easier said than done.
Something that might help as a crutch would be a cock ring. One can get simple stretchy ones which are much easier than the more elaborate leather and snaps, or other models. On the further plus side, is even if you don't have any issues getting hard, this will help keep you at/near maximum fullness.
It sucks what your last GF told you, but also take it in the context of her telling you this as you split.
posted by nobeagle at 8:34 AM on September 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
If you want to get past this, you're going to have to tell her all of this, and you're going to have to both agree to some low stress, no expectation play time.
Don't get rip-roaring drunk; whiskey dick is common enough that it's got it's own term. Have at most one drunk next time that you expect to play; enough to lower inhibitions/worry, but hopefully not enough to impact performance. And then you need to be in the moment; not panicking about the future or past, or letting "oh no"'s fill your head. Yes, that is easier said than done.
Something that might help as a crutch would be a cock ring. One can get simple stretchy ones which are much easier than the more elaborate leather and snaps, or other models. On the further plus side, is even if you don't have any issues getting hard, this will help keep you at/near maximum fullness.
It sucks what your last GF told you, but also take it in the context of her telling you this as you split.
posted by nobeagle at 8:34 AM on September 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
If you acted too hurty and sensitive after, for no reason that she could discern, then she probably realized that getting with you wouldn't end up being as exciting and uncomplicated as she'd hoped.
You have to let all that stuff about your body go. Being with someone intimately isn't like being on the examination table. There's no time while screwing around to hang back and pickily judge each other. And the fact that a girl's there with you to begin with means she's seeing things through a positive filter. A girl shouldn't have to convince you that your penis isn't impoverished in order for you to get excited -- you have to show up knowing that already.
Also, we make a lot of questionable decisions when we're heartbroken and I bet her distance afterward has been more about her own guilt and shame for acting out at a confusing time. You really must not take it personally. If you want to make a go for her now, I recommend presenting the boldest possible campaign with the least amount of insecurity -- that may convince her that she can give you a shot without risking too much. If she senses any insecurity from you, she'll probably turn you down gently to avoid doing anything that might risk hurting you.
posted by hermitosis at 8:38 AM on September 16, 2009
You have to let all that stuff about your body go. Being with someone intimately isn't like being on the examination table. There's no time while screwing around to hang back and pickily judge each other. And the fact that a girl's there with you to begin with means she's seeing things through a positive filter. A girl shouldn't have to convince you that your penis isn't impoverished in order for you to get excited -- you have to show up knowing that already.
Also, we make a lot of questionable decisions when we're heartbroken and I bet her distance afterward has been more about her own guilt and shame for acting out at a confusing time. You really must not take it personally. If you want to make a go for her now, I recommend presenting the boldest possible campaign with the least amount of insecurity -- that may convince her that she can give you a shot without risking too much. If she senses any insecurity from you, she'll probably turn you down gently to avoid doing anything that might risk hurting you.
posted by hermitosis at 8:38 AM on September 16, 2009
First off, realize that anything that was said to you by a former girlfriend in the throes of breaking up with you was engineered to cause you hurt. She found your weak spot, and she drove in the stiletto.
Things said in that manner, and with that intent, are not necessarily true; truth, in fact, is not even on the radar here.
Secondly, you say that she seemed happy and that she basically had a good time with you, despite your troubles. Now you don't mention your age, but I am going to guess that you are in your early-mid 20's. Most guys have had something similar happen by the time they're...oh....let's just say 30-ish, and most women have been around enough by then to know that these things just happen sometimes, and it has bearing neither on their personal level of allure or attractiveness, nor on the frisson between the two of you. LOTS of things can cause things to sorta short-circuit down there. Alcohol is one good example, for instance, and you do mention that you drank "enough".
If she is pulling away now, it seems to me like it could be any number of things. My gut tells me (just based on what you've laid out here) that it is quite likely that she's feeling awkward, self-conscious, and a little uncomfortable about the situation that arose, more so than your performance or lack thereof.
Anon, you have three options here:
First, she could be really into you and just uncomfortable in the above manner, and waiting for you to do the legwork of breaking that ice. Not a bad situation -- just hang in there!
Second, she could have been into you at one point and then been nonplussed in the sack, leading her to cool her jets. I think this says a lot more about her than it does about you -- as I mentioned, most women with experience and compassion have dealt with this sort of bedroom pitfall at one point, and there is no need to take it personally or see it as some dire harbinger about the guy's general abilities between the sheets. In this case, you're probably better off without somebody so fickle and shallow, regardless of what your hormones are telling you at the moment.
Third, she could never have been that into you, and merely used you as a foil to get out of her unfulfilling relationship. She picked up on your attraction to her, tested the waters, and decided that if she could be with another guy, she didn't need to be with her guy. While this happens from time to time (especially with younger folks), you have given no reason for anybody to think this would be the situation. I think it's pretty unlikely, but it needed to at least be brought up so that it could be knocked down.
All you can really do here is let this play out. Keep in touch with her for a while, and act like anything awkward that happened was no big deal. Don't bring it up at all, just be normal. Over the next couple of weeks, her actions and attitude will tell you all you really need to know about the situation, and whether you can build something good or would be better moving on.
Realize that if you do move on from each other, that this is no fault of your own -- either performance-wise, or body-wise.
posted by kaseijin at 8:38 AM on September 16, 2009
Things said in that manner, and with that intent, are not necessarily true; truth, in fact, is not even on the radar here.
Secondly, you say that she seemed happy and that she basically had a good time with you, despite your troubles. Now you don't mention your age, but I am going to guess that you are in your early-mid 20's. Most guys have had something similar happen by the time they're...oh....let's just say 30-ish, and most women have been around enough by then to know that these things just happen sometimes, and it has bearing neither on their personal level of allure or attractiveness, nor on the frisson between the two of you. LOTS of things can cause things to sorta short-circuit down there. Alcohol is one good example, for instance, and you do mention that you drank "enough".
If she is pulling away now, it seems to me like it could be any number of things. My gut tells me (just based on what you've laid out here) that it is quite likely that she's feeling awkward, self-conscious, and a little uncomfortable about the situation that arose, more so than your performance or lack thereof.
Anon, you have three options here:
First, she could be really into you and just uncomfortable in the above manner, and waiting for you to do the legwork of breaking that ice. Not a bad situation -- just hang in there!
Second, she could have been into you at one point and then been nonplussed in the sack, leading her to cool her jets. I think this says a lot more about her than it does about you -- as I mentioned, most women with experience and compassion have dealt with this sort of bedroom pitfall at one point, and there is no need to take it personally or see it as some dire harbinger about the guy's general abilities between the sheets. In this case, you're probably better off without somebody so fickle and shallow, regardless of what your hormones are telling you at the moment.
Third, she could never have been that into you, and merely used you as a foil to get out of her unfulfilling relationship. She picked up on your attraction to her, tested the waters, and decided that if she could be with another guy, she didn't need to be with her guy. While this happens from time to time (especially with younger folks), you have given no reason for anybody to think this would be the situation. I think it's pretty unlikely, but it needed to at least be brought up so that it could be knocked down.
All you can really do here is let this play out. Keep in touch with her for a while, and act like anything awkward that happened was no big deal. Don't bring it up at all, just be normal. Over the next couple of weeks, her actions and attitude will tell you all you really need to know about the situation, and whether you can build something good or would be better moving on.
Realize that if you do move on from each other, that this is no fault of your own -- either performance-wise, or body-wise.
posted by kaseijin at 8:38 AM on September 16, 2009
Just ask her out, and for the love of Pete do not lay any emotional baggage on her. Don't think too deeply about it, just have fun!
And about your body... My personal advice would be to see a therapist. Without going into it, I guarantee I had worse body issues that you do. It made me miserable until I did something about it. These things tend not to resolve themselves, but they fester and turn good times sour. Hell, it already ruined happy-fun-time once.
posted by Willie0248 at 8:39 AM on September 16, 2009
And about your body... My personal advice would be to see a therapist. Without going into it, I guarantee I had worse body issues that you do. It made me miserable until I did something about it. These things tend not to resolve themselves, but they fester and turn good times sour. Hell, it already ruined happy-fun-time once.
posted by Willie0248 at 8:39 AM on September 16, 2009
#1: don't try to fool around with someone for the first time when you're drunk; a good general rule to follow for all sorts of reasons besides performance-related ones;
#2: since she admitted that she likes you and slept with you while drunk, and technically while still dating her boyfriend, she's probably going to have her own set of regrets to deal with;
#3: she didn't tell you it was a one-time thing, and she didn't tell you she wanted to date you, she told you she wants to think about things -- and since telling you that, she broke up with her boyfriend. That's probably her main focus right now.
I think if I were you, I would reach out to her just once, and would say (in essence) "I had a really good time that night, but I want you to know that I understand breaking up with your boyfriend wasn't an easy thing for you to do. If you need to talk about it, let me know, and if you'd like to hang out with [me and my other friends at this place we go] I'd love to see you there at [time that it happens] -- it's good to get out a lot after a breakup. Other than that, no pressure for anything between us to change -- if anything happens between us, it should be at a time when we're both comfortable with who we are and the situation we're in."
So you're not explicitly apologizing for "bad performance", or for anything, really; you're just positioning yourself as someone who likes her and can imagine a future with her, but understands the circumstances of that encounter were not ideal for either of you, and you're not pressuring her because you are empathetic to what she's going through. You're also putting any potential relationship off into the future, when you're both ready, because as you say you don't think you're in a good place either.
In the meantime, go on a few casual dates with other people, and consider the source when it comes to what your ex-girlfriend said about you -- if there's anyone whose hurtful statements are not to be taken as sincere, it's those of someone you're in the middle of breaking up with. You hear the same thing three or four times from different people, fine, but a sample of a pissed-off one isn't a good sample at all.
posted by davejay at 8:44 AM on September 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
#2: since she admitted that she likes you and slept with you while drunk, and technically while still dating her boyfriend, she's probably going to have her own set of regrets to deal with;
#3: she didn't tell you it was a one-time thing, and she didn't tell you she wanted to date you, she told you she wants to think about things -- and since telling you that, she broke up with her boyfriend. That's probably her main focus right now.
I think if I were you, I would reach out to her just once, and would say (in essence) "I had a really good time that night, but I want you to know that I understand breaking up with your boyfriend wasn't an easy thing for you to do. If you need to talk about it, let me know, and if you'd like to hang out with [me and my other friends at this place we go] I'd love to see you there at [time that it happens] -- it's good to get out a lot after a breakup. Other than that, no pressure for anything between us to change -- if anything happens between us, it should be at a time when we're both comfortable with who we are and the situation we're in."
So you're not explicitly apologizing for "bad performance", or for anything, really; you're just positioning yourself as someone who likes her and can imagine a future with her, but understands the circumstances of that encounter were not ideal for either of you, and you're not pressuring her because you are empathetic to what she's going through. You're also putting any potential relationship off into the future, when you're both ready, because as you say you don't think you're in a good place either.
In the meantime, go on a few casual dates with other people, and consider the source when it comes to what your ex-girlfriend said about you -- if there's anyone whose hurtful statements are not to be taken as sincere, it's those of someone you're in the middle of breaking up with. You hear the same thing three or four times from different people, fine, but a sample of a pissed-off one isn't a good sample at all.
posted by davejay at 8:44 AM on September 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
Nthing the above, enthusiastically.
For you guys with less-than-porn-size genitalia. It's been my experience that grinding the pudendum into the clitoris can be helpful for a woman to achieve the demi-mythical vaginal orgasm. Can't do that if you can't slam it in all the way.
Also, GO FOR IT. Sex is one thing, love is another. It's a cliche, but it's true: Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Cock rings work. Don't use a metal one. It's possible to get hard and not be able to get them off, and you don't want to be looking for bolt cutters in the middle of the night.
And meditate, you don't have to be a yogi to relax once in a while. It can help with all kinds of issues.
posted by Xoebe at 8:47 AM on September 16, 2009
For you guys with less-than-porn-size genitalia. It's been my experience that grinding the pudendum into the clitoris can be helpful for a woman to achieve the demi-mythical vaginal orgasm. Can't do that if you can't slam it in all the way.
Also, GO FOR IT. Sex is one thing, love is another. It's a cliche, but it's true: Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Cock rings work. Don't use a metal one. It's possible to get hard and not be able to get them off, and you don't want to be looking for bolt cutters in the middle of the night.
And meditate, you don't have to be a yogi to relax once in a while. It can help with all kinds of issues.
posted by Xoebe at 8:47 AM on September 16, 2009
--I had managed to bring her to orgasm several times--
THIS THIS THIS.
Look, despite being unable to get hard, for very understandable reasons, you were an attentive partner and brought her to orgasm, not once, not twice, but several times. You got nothing to be ashamed of. Hell you got bragging rights 'cause you're able to "do the job" no matter what. There are probably women reading this thinking "Where is this guy located and can I get his number?! 'Cause if he's knocking boots sans penis, I want take him for a test drive and get the full effect"
Call her up and ask her out, with the full confidence that not matter what happens, if you two wind up getting it on, she's going home feeling very good and it's because of things you did. Seriously, stand tall, there's nothing to be ashamed of and muck to proud of you. You're free of the shitty ex-girlfriend and you rocked another girl's world. Even if things don't work with your current interest, it sounds like you'll be back in the saddle in no time.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:52 AM on September 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
THIS THIS THIS.
Look, despite being unable to get hard, for very understandable reasons, you were an attentive partner and brought her to orgasm, not once, not twice, but several times. You got nothing to be ashamed of. Hell you got bragging rights 'cause you're able to "do the job" no matter what. There are probably women reading this thinking "Where is this guy located and can I get his number?! 'Cause if he's knocking boots sans penis, I want take him for a test drive and get the full effect"
Call her up and ask her out, with the full confidence that not matter what happens, if you two wind up getting it on, she's going home feeling very good and it's because of things you did. Seriously, stand tall, there's nothing to be ashamed of and muck to proud of you. You're free of the shitty ex-girlfriend and you rocked another girl's world. Even if things don't work with your current interest, it sounds like you'll be back in the saddle in no time.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:52 AM on September 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
Talk to her about my bad performance?
oh for the love of god DON'T DO THIS.
Do. Not. Do. This. You're going to make her feel worse when she's just been through a breakup, it's going to be awkward as hell, and you'll feel even more performance anxiety next time. Plus, confidence is sexy.
I'm female, so YMMV, but when I'm feeling insecure about my self-image it helps to get a haircut, wear perfume, and get new clothes that fit me well.
posted by desjardins at 8:55 AM on September 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
oh for the love of god DON'T DO THIS.
Do. Not. Do. This. You're going to make her feel worse when she's just been through a breakup, it's going to be awkward as hell, and you'll feel even more performance anxiety next time. Plus, confidence is sexy.
I'm female, so YMMV, but when I'm feeling insecure about my self-image it helps to get a haircut, wear perfume, and get new clothes that fit me well.
posted by desjardins at 8:55 AM on September 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
Let me make one thing perfectly clear: Your body and your opinion of it is an ENTIRELY AND COMPLETELY SEPARATE ISSUE from her availability for dating. Trust me, they are two separate issues, and it is an incontrovertible fact that these are two separate issues. In fact, we can refer to this as EmpressCallipygos' First Law Of Relationship InterDynamics.
Now then.
* She said she needed to "think about things." We know -- because of The First Law of Relationship InterDynamics -- that your performance is NOT one of the things she is thinking about. So you can take that off the table of things you have to worry about.
So what are these "things" she could be thinking about? Well, chief among them is probably what she wants to even DO dating-wise right now. Does she just want to fool around? Does she want to try something serious with you? If she does try something with you, how fast does she want to get into it? Does she want to be monogamous?
You will note that none of these have quite so much to do with you as a person, either, as much as they have to do with her examining her own mental state. She'll need time for that; she may make a few false starts towards you and then pull back, but that's all part of her own inner "omigod what do I WANNNNNT" confusion, because those are really big questions she's wrestling with. But they are her questions. You can be there, you can be patient, you can also decide what your own boundaries are for the sake of your own sanity ("You know, I think it's cool we want to try dating, but let's not make any promises until we're both a little more sure what we want, 'kay?"). But all you can do is be patient, and play it by ear right now. She's friendly towards you -- you can work with that, there is nothing that is preventing you from just the occasional "hey, how're you doing?" email now and then to keep the lines of communication open.
* Now for the second issue -- you know that your former girlfriend was horribly mean when she critiqued your appearance, right? Right? She gave you a low blow. Seriously. But she is a completely different person from the new girl, and the new girl seemed to fancy you just fine, and seemed to think everything was great when it came to your performance. You keep referring to your horrible performance -- but dude, you made her come more than once. That gave you major points. I promise you that she has enough to think about without speculating on the specifics of your performance (see the First Law of Relationship InterDynamics, again), but even if there is ANY possibility that she wonders about that, she very well may be chalking it up to "oh, right, but we did drink a lot" more so than "wow, he's got issues." So the only person who seemed to have had a problem with your appearance is your ex, and she's your ex, so who the hell cares what she has to think anyway?
I know that's very easy for me to say "just write off your ex's opinion" like that, and it may take time for you to be able to do that -- but that's something to work towards.
Because -- as the First Law of Relationship InterDynamics has stated -- it's a separate issue from what happens with this new girl.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:59 AM on September 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
Now then.
* She said she needed to "think about things." We know -- because of The First Law of Relationship InterDynamics -- that your performance is NOT one of the things she is thinking about. So you can take that off the table of things you have to worry about.
So what are these "things" she could be thinking about? Well, chief among them is probably what she wants to even DO dating-wise right now. Does she just want to fool around? Does she want to try something serious with you? If she does try something with you, how fast does she want to get into it? Does she want to be monogamous?
You will note that none of these have quite so much to do with you as a person, either, as much as they have to do with her examining her own mental state. She'll need time for that; she may make a few false starts towards you and then pull back, but that's all part of her own inner "omigod what do I WANNNNNT" confusion, because those are really big questions she's wrestling with. But they are her questions. You can be there, you can be patient, you can also decide what your own boundaries are for the sake of your own sanity ("You know, I think it's cool we want to try dating, but let's not make any promises until we're both a little more sure what we want, 'kay?"). But all you can do is be patient, and play it by ear right now. She's friendly towards you -- you can work with that, there is nothing that is preventing you from just the occasional "hey, how're you doing?" email now and then to keep the lines of communication open.
* Now for the second issue -- you know that your former girlfriend was horribly mean when she critiqued your appearance, right? Right? She gave you a low blow. Seriously. But she is a completely different person from the new girl, and the new girl seemed to fancy you just fine, and seemed to think everything was great when it came to your performance. You keep referring to your horrible performance -- but dude, you made her come more than once. That gave you major points. I promise you that she has enough to think about without speculating on the specifics of your performance (see the First Law of Relationship InterDynamics, again), but even if there is ANY possibility that she wonders about that, she very well may be chalking it up to "oh, right, but we did drink a lot" more so than "wow, he's got issues." So the only person who seemed to have had a problem with your appearance is your ex, and she's your ex, so who the hell cares what she has to think anyway?
I know that's very easy for me to say "just write off your ex's opinion" like that, and it may take time for you to be able to do that -- but that's something to work towards.
Because -- as the First Law of Relationship InterDynamics has stated -- it's a separate issue from what happens with this new girl.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:59 AM on September 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
Oh, such good advice here.
Beyond what was said upthread (which was basically: "chill") I wanted to add that were I the woman in this situation, I would think absolutely nothing of the fact that you couldn't get it up that night.
I would assume that you have, as nobeagle so delicately put it, "whiskey dick" and also that you were nervous.
I also would have felt relieved that we didn't have full intercourse, since clearly, I'm having a moment and I wouldn't really want or need any extra guilt. If you did, indeed, bring me to orgasm several times, then I'm thinking, "Whew! That was just what I needed to let go of Jerk. Hopefully New Dude isn't a jerk.
You said you really like her a lot? Give her a bit of space, be really friendly when you are around her (big hug, big Hi's, and a future invitation would work for me, but that's me)and just make yourself available to her.
AND GUYS, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR PENIS SIZE! That's not why we love you or keep you around! She said that because she was being a bitch and wanted to hurt your feelings.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 9:13 AM on September 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Beyond what was said upthread (which was basically: "chill") I wanted to add that were I the woman in this situation, I would think absolutely nothing of the fact that you couldn't get it up that night.
I would assume that you have, as nobeagle so delicately put it, "whiskey dick" and also that you were nervous.
I also would have felt relieved that we didn't have full intercourse, since clearly, I'm having a moment and I wouldn't really want or need any extra guilt. If you did, indeed, bring me to orgasm several times, then I'm thinking, "Whew! That was just what I needed to let go of Jerk. Hopefully New Dude isn't a jerk.
You said you really like her a lot? Give her a bit of space, be really friendly when you are around her (big hug, big Hi's, and a future invitation would work for me, but that's me)and just make yourself available to her.
AND GUYS, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR PENIS SIZE! That's not why we love you or keep you around! She said that because she was being a bitch and wanted to hurt your feelings.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 9:13 AM on September 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
The only women who are put off by a guy's not getting it up long enough for penetrative sex the first time they do anything sexual are a) women who don't know anything about sex
I think, unfortunately, that's most women. Everyone's so busy telling us that guys are sex maniacs and get hard at the drop of a hat that nobody bothered to tell us the truth. I never knew this until my best friend told me she'd worried her ex was gay because he didn't get hard the first time they did it, and I went home and told my about it, and he informed me of the actual reality. (I haven't told her, of course, because then I would have to confess having revealed details of her sex life to someone else. Tricky!)
posted by anniecat at 9:14 AM on September 16, 2009
I think, unfortunately, that's most women. Everyone's so busy telling us that guys are sex maniacs and get hard at the drop of a hat that nobody bothered to tell us the truth. I never knew this until my best friend told me she'd worried her ex was gay because he didn't get hard the first time they did it, and I went home and told my about it, and he informed me of the actual reality. (I haven't told her, of course, because then I would have to confess having revealed details of her sex life to someone else. Tricky!)
posted by anniecat at 9:14 AM on September 16, 2009
So... she got affection, several orgasms, and didn't have to worry about pregnancy? Odds are good that the lady likes you a lot right now!
posted by heatherann at 9:14 AM on September 16, 2009
posted by heatherann at 9:14 AM on September 16, 2009
Just ask her out to a proper date, dinner and all, because she might just be worried that you're not attracted to her or that you have to work to be attracted to her. It sounds like you two are young, and, I don't know how many partners she's had, but if she's only had one, she probably doesn't know any better.
posted by anniecat at 9:17 AM on September 16, 2009
posted by anniecat at 9:17 AM on September 16, 2009
Alright, lemme just settle this once and for all for the entire universe (I'm female): BIGGER PENIS IS NOT PER SE BETTER PENIS.
However, women know that men don't know that (or at least are quasi-unsure about that). So, if you're, say, a woman who's a real assclown and you really wanna hurt a guy, you tell him he has a small dick. Guys have spent their whole lives wondering if it's big enough, thick enough, gonna be pleasurable enough, etc. Now I myself don't have one of those penis type things attached to me, so I can only imagine how ego crushing it is to be mocked like that and that's a tough one to get over.
BUT. I'm here to tell you your ex knew that insecurity would haunt you forever so she played that card. That was a really shitty thing for her to say.
I haven't, uh, seen you with your pants off but I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. First off, given your stated dimensions, you're perfectly normal. Second, porn star-sized junk is just painful. Way-too-much-personal-info-anecdote: I dated a guy who prided himself on being a human tripod. He was Ron Jeremy-like. Seriously. It hurt and was highly unpleasurable for me. So I'd take a regular guy any day, like you. Best sex I've ever had? Guy your size.
You didn't perform badly! Multiple orgasms?! And this was without your perfectly normal penis involved?! Sign me up. This is the stuff Cosmo articles are made of. I wasn't there but I'm pretty sure she didn't view this as a failure on any scale. I'm pretty sure she was all floaty for some time after said big 0's. You therefore have nothing to be embarrassed about. Now puff out that chest, beat on it in a Tarzan-like manner, and remember you are Multiple Orgasm Giver Guy. We ladies dream about you.
The rest is easy. Just be her friend and let her guide the way. She might be a bit off due to her breakup, which is normal. Just be kind to her, ask her to do something low key that involves actually doing something so you're not sitting and staring at each other awkwardly (hiking, bike ride, walking the dog). Let her initiate the physical contact.
Good luck!
posted by December at 9:23 AM on September 16, 2009
However, women know that men don't know that (or at least are quasi-unsure about that). So, if you're, say, a woman who's a real assclown and you really wanna hurt a guy, you tell him he has a small dick. Guys have spent their whole lives wondering if it's big enough, thick enough, gonna be pleasurable enough, etc. Now I myself don't have one of those penis type things attached to me, so I can only imagine how ego crushing it is to be mocked like that and that's a tough one to get over.
BUT. I'm here to tell you your ex knew that insecurity would haunt you forever so she played that card. That was a really shitty thing for her to say.
I haven't, uh, seen you with your pants off but I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. First off, given your stated dimensions, you're perfectly normal. Second, porn star-sized junk is just painful. Way-too-much-personal-info-anecdote: I dated a guy who prided himself on being a human tripod. He was Ron Jeremy-like. Seriously. It hurt and was highly unpleasurable for me. So I'd take a regular guy any day, like you. Best sex I've ever had? Guy your size.
You didn't perform badly! Multiple orgasms?! And this was without your perfectly normal penis involved?! Sign me up. This is the stuff Cosmo articles are made of. I wasn't there but I'm pretty sure she didn't view this as a failure on any scale. I'm pretty sure she was all floaty for some time after said big 0's. You therefore have nothing to be embarrassed about. Now puff out that chest, beat on it in a Tarzan-like manner, and remember you are Multiple Orgasm Giver Guy. We ladies dream about you.
The rest is easy. Just be her friend and let her guide the way. She might be a bit off due to her breakup, which is normal. Just be kind to her, ask her to do something low key that involves actually doing something so you're not sitting and staring at each other awkwardly (hiking, bike ride, walking the dog). Let her initiate the physical contact.
Good luck!
posted by December at 9:23 AM on September 16, 2009
Have a heart to heart with her about where she is emotionally about the bad boyfriend..but don't press her..don't ask her how you performed..just talk honestly about where she is with the bad boyfriend. You have a right to ask that question (without pressing her!)
I'm sure you are a fine lover, but she values your friendship first (and that puts you waayy ahead of the other dude)! Good sex AND excellent friendship is what makes for a fantastic romance--there could be this in your future if you don't come across as needy.
Don't let her be too sure of you, either! This is how romance works..She needs to know that you are a prize--so keep other women in your life (if only to keep her a little uncertain). In other words...don't wear your heart on your sleeve in the early stages. ..(but now that you have "crossed the line" with her--your first order of business is to quietly get where she is with bad b/f and go from there).
posted by naplesyellow at 9:41 AM on September 16, 2009
I'm sure you are a fine lover, but she values your friendship first (and that puts you waayy ahead of the other dude)! Good sex AND excellent friendship is what makes for a fantastic romance--there could be this in your future if you don't come across as needy.
Don't let her be too sure of you, either! This is how romance works..She needs to know that you are a prize--so keep other women in your life (if only to keep her a little uncertain). In other words...don't wear your heart on your sleeve in the early stages. ..(but now that you have "crossed the line" with her--your first order of business is to quietly get where she is with bad b/f and go from there).
posted by naplesyellow at 9:41 AM on September 16, 2009
I had managed to bring her to orgasm several times
I do not think "bad performance" means what you think it does.
Seriously. The only reason what happened (or didn't) will be an issue is if you get all weird and hung up about it and ask her to reassure you--especially since you say she "seemed happy" about how things went.
posted by availablelight at 10:02 AM on September 16, 2009
I do not think "bad performance" means what you think it does.
Seriously. The only reason what happened (or didn't) will be an issue is if you get all weird and hung up about it and ask her to reassure you--especially since you say she "seemed happy" about how things went.
posted by availablelight at 10:02 AM on September 16, 2009
Don't let her be too sure of you, either! This is how romance works..She needs to know that you are a prize--so keep other women in your life (if only to keep her a little uncertain). In other words...don't wear your heart on your sleeve in the early stages.
Don't play this game with her. It's manipulative, not "romantic," and it's a bad start to a potential relationship with somebody already on uncertain ground. And it may back-fire. Be her friend, not her mind-fuck.
posted by moira at 10:11 AM on September 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
Don't play this game with her. It's manipulative, not "romantic," and it's a bad start to a potential relationship with somebody already on uncertain ground. And it may back-fire. Be her friend, not her mind-fuck.
posted by moira at 10:11 AM on September 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
Excellent advice, so far!
She needs to think, and understandably so, seeing as she just broke up with her long-time boyfriend, and just had an amazing night of sex with one of her dearest guy friends. Her world has changed a lot, so let her have her time and space to sort it out, but also let her know you are interested, if she decides she would like to explore that further. Don't play games, don't pressure her, and don't apologize for yourself when it sounds like she had an excellent time. You may at some point want to talk to her about the nasty, probably untrue, shit your ex said to you because it's messed with your head a bit, and I'd want to know that if I was in a relationship with you, but that doesn't have to come up unless this becomes a serious relationship. That's the practical, specific to this situation stuff, but then there is the whole overarching mental component.
First of all, everyone who is saying consider the source and your ex was trying to hurt you is 100% correct. Take it with a zillion grains of salt. She got under your skin, however, so that is easier said than done. Maybe this will help: there has been only one instance in my life that size/shape of a penis mattered at all, and it was so far on the extreme of small that everyone else (including you) is ginormous in comparison. Even in that instance, that wasn't the deal breaker. Furthermore, I am the only one of my many friends who has run into that situation. So, if you can logically accept that it is a non-issue, maybe you can emotionally accept it as well. Secondly, since she orgasmed several times, you obviously are a very adept lover and more importantly, know how to push her buttons, and that really, truly is all that matters in terms of sex in a relationship. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:56 AM on September 16, 2009
She needs to think, and understandably so, seeing as she just broke up with her long-time boyfriend, and just had an amazing night of sex with one of her dearest guy friends. Her world has changed a lot, so let her have her time and space to sort it out, but also let her know you are interested, if she decides she would like to explore that further. Don't play games, don't pressure her, and don't apologize for yourself when it sounds like she had an excellent time. You may at some point want to talk to her about the nasty, probably untrue, shit your ex said to you because it's messed with your head a bit, and I'd want to know that if I was in a relationship with you, but that doesn't have to come up unless this becomes a serious relationship. That's the practical, specific to this situation stuff, but then there is the whole overarching mental component.
First of all, everyone who is saying consider the source and your ex was trying to hurt you is 100% correct. Take it with a zillion grains of salt. She got under your skin, however, so that is easier said than done. Maybe this will help: there has been only one instance in my life that size/shape of a penis mattered at all, and it was so far on the extreme of small that everyone else (including you) is ginormous in comparison. Even in that instance, that wasn't the deal breaker. Furthermore, I am the only one of my many friends who has run into that situation. So, if you can logically accept that it is a non-issue, maybe you can emotionally accept it as well. Secondly, since she orgasmed several times, you obviously are a very adept lover and more importantly, know how to push her buttons, and that really, truly is all that matters in terms of sex in a relationship. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:56 AM on September 16, 2009
Wow, you sound like a great first date/shag to me!
I would be deeply flattered if a guy spent so much time helping me have several orgasms ... and she was obviously relaxed enough and into you enough that she didn't mind at all that you couldn't keep an erection.
Don't let your ex-girlfriend's bitchiness about the size of your dick get to you. That's the most obvious thing she could think of to hit back at you with ... and she knew she could make you worry about it.
posted by vickyverky at 10:58 AM on September 16, 2009
I would be deeply flattered if a guy spent so much time helping me have several orgasms ... and she was obviously relaxed enough and into you enough that she didn't mind at all that you couldn't keep an erection.
Don't let your ex-girlfriend's bitchiness about the size of your dick get to you. That's the most obvious thing she could think of to hit back at you with ... and she knew she could make you worry about it.
posted by vickyverky at 10:58 AM on September 16, 2009
Don't get loaded. It makes having sex tricky, body image issues aside.
How many orgasms would this lady need to have before you would declare your performance adequate?
If your last girlfriend wasn't happy with your penis size, it's a good thing you aren't dating your ex-girlfriend anymore. This new girl isn't her.
And finally, if you want to date the girl, call the girl.
Not everything in life needs to be overly complicated.
posted by chunking express at 10:17 AM on September 17, 2009
How many orgasms would this lady need to have before you would declare your performance adequate?
If your last girlfriend wasn't happy with your penis size, it's a good thing you aren't dating your ex-girlfriend anymore. This new girl isn't her.
And finally, if you want to date the girl, call the girl.
Not everything in life needs to be overly complicated.
posted by chunking express at 10:17 AM on September 17, 2009
Everyone's so busy telling us that guys are sex maniacs and get hard at the drop of a hat that nobody bothered to tell us the truth.
I'm not so sure about that -- I've seen regular "Sex Info Your Guys Wished You Knew"-type articles in Cosmo, Glamour, etc. And nearly all of them have the "not every guy can always get hard all the time" disclaimer.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:31 AM on September 17, 2009
I'm not so sure about that -- I've seen regular "Sex Info Your Guys Wished You Knew"-type articles in Cosmo, Glamour, etc. And nearly all of them have the "not every guy can always get hard all the time" disclaimer.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:31 AM on September 17, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
So unless this woman falls into any of these categories, she wasn't put off by that. Women who understand how sex works understand that nervousness about a first encounter affects men in the erection department.
She probably did need to "think about things" seeing as she was cheating with you on her boyfriend. Now she has broken up with the boyfriend. She is single. You are single. You want to date her. She obviously finds you attractive enough to get sexual with. Go for it.
And she didn't call you after she had cheating sexytimes with you because that would have been a fraught issue for the vast majority of women, and I presume with her. Give her some time, in terms of not asking her on a date-y date, but do some one-on-one hanging out for a bit. She likes you, dude. Give her some space but don't back off.
As for your body and your penis, please be aware that your ex girlfriend just said that shit to hurt your feelings. Your penis is fine. Your body is fine. I can say this without seeing you because every penis type and every body type has people who think that those are the most perfect penis and most perfect body in the world.
Clearly, this new girl thinks you're hot. And she likes you. Go for it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:24 AM on September 16, 2009 [14 favorites]