21 Male & socially incompetent

September 11, 2009 9:34 AM

21 Male & socially incompetent; How do I become more fun and interesting? Should I pretend to be happy so people will hang out with me?

Socially I'm pretty screwed up. Emotionally I am pretty fucked.

I have so many problems that not too many people want to hear about. Furthermore, I’m not a fun person to be around. I am socially awkward because:
a) I have no emotional support or examples in my house; my parents fight alot; the last time they had a confrontation three household objects broke
b) low self esteem in high school and in general
c) terrible at small talk
d) terrible at what ever comes after small talk
e) no real way to handle emotional problems
How do I get people to understand me so I can rebuild my life (again)? Should I pretend to be happy so people will listen to me?

Normally I can adapt friends like me... those who are lame and downers. No body wants to be around a downer like me.

One of my dreams is to find a doctor any where in the world that is pro euthanasia because I can't stand my life. I'd tell him "sign me up for euthanasia" with the biggest smile on my face"

My other dream is to life my life to the fullest because what I don't think I can find a doctor that will do that for me.

I've only been on one date...
I play many sports... been a team captain for a coed sport recently
Today I overheard someone say to someone else at work I have "game" (skilled at dating?) but I can just be good at making a first impression.

I went through a depressive episode (nothing mental, more emotional) a few years ago.
My therapist suggest these terrible ideas to get me out (going to the park, go to free events around the city)
Don't get me wrong, but that's the stuff you would do all the time when you are lame.
I want to live more than that.

My friends don't get why I am so frustrated with life.
I am frustrated because I don't know how to create meaningful relationships between friends or family.
I'm not even going to start with a girlfriend because I can't even get friends and family on track.
My friend told me I can ask some out to a movie.
My problem isn't asking someone out. My problem is creating a meaningful relationship.
Why is my friend only suggesting a movie when I'm dying to know what makes people stay together from as lovers or as friends over many months or years?

Let me provide some of my life experiences in short:

Example of what happens with me time and time again:
[meet someone at school] ---> [share a few laughs] ---> [something bland like sports/movies/dinner]
{span of above relationship does not last very long... gets boring}

The other day I hung out with my friends friends.. this is what happened:
[went for drinks] --> [ended the night listening to some of the funniest conversation and friendly insults over drinks]
{above relationship may not be long but is exciting}

This is what my friends accomplish
[meet people through school/party] --> [whole series of events over months that are oblivious ot me] --> [they are in a deeper relationship] --> [experimental/meaningful sex]
{span of above relationship is meaningful}

I notice my life suck so much when I run the show. I am not pressuring myself to do anything but I know I can do better than this!

I want to laugh my head off regularly by surrounding myself with good friends and people.
I want start dating to become seriously intimate with a girl.

I am grateful for the supportive people who try to help. However I never really had understanding parents or peers.

Thanks for reading!

posted by AugustEnds to Human Relations (32 answers total)

Response by poster: I wish I proof read my title.

It should read "I am a 21 year old male who is socially incompetent"
posted by AugustEnds at 9:37 AM on September 11, 2009

You need to cultivate genuine and unselfish interests in other people. This will have a triple-pronged effect.

1) It will fill up a lot of your time, leaving you less time to meditate on how fucked up you are.

2) It will make you more aware that everyone is just as fucked up as you, if not more.

3) With practice, it will become your default setting for most personal interactions.

It is risky to open yourself up and to consider other people first. You may worry that you will suck at it, or that you will appear lame, or that people will take advantage of you. All of these will probably happen, but not all the time. It's a two steps forward, one step back sort of thing. Are you too paralyzed by your problems to even take those first two steps? It doesn't sound like it to me.

Awkwardness is subjective. If you start asking someone questions about themself and seem really interested for non-creepy reasons, then chances are they will find themselves opening up to you. From here it's just trial and error.
posted by hermitosis at 9:42 AM on September 11, 2009 [6 favorites]

One of my dreams is to find a doctor any where in the world that is pro euthanasia because I can't stand my life.

Whatever you do, address the underlying depression. Try therapy (try several therapists), see your doctor, and work on your personal health.

Doing so will increase your odds of being happy (not immediately, and not without both ups and downs) and wel- adjusted, and you will be more comfortable around others.
posted by zippy at 9:44 AM on September 11, 2009 [3 favorites]

It strikes me that your problem might be that you don't like yourself. Making a connection with someone else is basically "I enjoy your company, you enjoy my company. Let's keep each other company!" - that is, you like them, they like you, so you spend time around each other and it snowballs from there. That's difficult if you don't like yourself to begin with.

An easy thing for these connections to revolve around is a shared interest - movies, humour, games, books, whatever. But basically, you have to like being around them, and they have to like being around you, so ... fix that first.


The other day I hung out with my friends friends.. this is what happened:
[went for drinks] --> [ended the night listening to some of the funniest conversation and friendly insults over drinks]
{above relationship may not be long but is exciting}

This seems like a perfectly normal fun evening out to me.
posted by Xany at 9:47 AM on September 11, 2009

First things first. Move out of your parent's house. I'm assuming your in school? Find a room to move into and learn to live with lots of different types of people.

Next - get out of your head. Stop examining every little thing and holding it up to some imagined ideal. This is a terrible way to live life, it's no wonder that you are miserable. Learn to be grateful for what you do have. I don't mean pay lip service to it, I mean really learn to appreciate the people around you, the things you ARE good at, the opportunities that you have, fun times with friends (even the "bland" stuff).

Sitting around being upset because no one "gets you" is a sure sign of self-pity. Try "getting" someone else, and you will be much happier.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:48 AM on September 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

My therapist suggest these terrible ideas to get me out (going to the park, go to free events around the city)
Don't get me wrong, but that's the stuff you would do all the time when you are lame.

Uh, and why is that, exactly? Does your therapist know that you're not interested in what he's suggested so far?

What do you mean by ... gets boring. What happens?

Before you can build meaningful relationships, you have to work on yourself. A lot of people I know (who aren't lame) go out to the park and to free events around their city all the time - they hang out with friends, go by themselves, whatever. The point is that they are engaged in finding things they enjoy and bringing them into their lives.

It sounds like you're still struggling with depression and should continue to work with your therapist - and maybe try some of his suggestions, whether or not you believe they will work. You can't change if you don't allow yourself to change.
posted by canine epigram at 9:48 AM on September 11, 2009

I never thought I was very socially adept - I spent two lonely years in a new city with not many friends, until I randomly got invited out one night, and just started showing up for a regular bar night with a bunch of people I didn't really know. Now I have lots of friends! And life is pretty good. Basically it was the same situation as you - I went out with some friends of friends one night, and just sort of kept showing up. I also charmed them with my baked goods - "Hello new friends! Here is a cheesecake!" - but just showing up at a friend's place with some food/beer/whatever helps get you an "in" I think ;)

>Should I pretend to be happy so people will listen to me?
Sort of. When I started going out with aforementioned friends, I was going through a shitstorm of life problems. Luckily, I had a pretty good outlook on life despite this rough patch, so I was able to enjoy myself. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer - i.e. don't lay all of your problems on a person, especially if you've just met. Sure, it is fun to have a bitch fest with a random stranger about sports team/crappy class/common work issue/something neutral, but don't launch into a tirade on your crappy family situation. It sucks, but save that stuff for your therapist.
posted by sararah at 9:49 AM on September 11, 2009

Print this thread and take it to your next therapy appointment. Talk about why the activity suggestions seemed "lame" to you. Ask if medication might help you feel better about yourself.
posted by Carol Anne at 9:58 AM on September 11, 2009

Plus... it might seem tough to "like yourself" as wisely suggested by Xany, but...

I used to have BIG self-loathing issues. But someone taught me something about this, which was you have to be your own friend as a route towards liking yourself.

Next time you have these very negative thoughts, imagine a friend is saying them to you. You'd probably be a lot more compassionate and caring to them than you are being to yourself.

So nurture yourself - allow yourself little periods of instability and insecurity. Then shake yourself out of them gently, tell yourself to be brave and be patient, and remind yourself that things take time.

And most importantly, just like you would for a friend, remind yourself regularly that you are only human, and have problems like everyone does, but are fundamentally a good and worthwhile person.
posted by greenish at 10:06 AM on September 11, 2009 [5 favorites]

IANAD but I know people with serious depression and this is exactly what it looks like. I believe that you are CURRENTLY seriously depressed.

Please continue to try medications and therapy until you find some combination that works. I have a friend who tried for years and nothing really worked until finally (with some pushing) he tried one last medicine and... BAM. He's not depressed. Total transformation. He no longer wants to die. He has more friends than I do. He's always doing stuff. It's crazy. So please keep trying even though the depression tells you that you're hopeless and different and none of that stuff will ever work for you.

Also, the early 20s are a very hard time of life for a lot of us. I'm doing much better in my early 30s.

Feel free to email/memail me.
posted by callmejay at 10:07 AM on September 11, 2009 [3 favorites]

Hey man, I think one thing is that you're a little hard on yourself. Look how almost all of your reasons for being socially awkward are from your own perception of your supposed shortcomings. You realize that most people feel the same way about themselves to some degree, don't you? I know I do -- I've been hemming and hawing about posting this reply, because I have this constant feeling that whatever I'm saying is less valid, less intelligent, or less informed than anything anyone else might say. It's tough to overcome that sometimes, you know? But then I remind myself that I'm awesome. There's tons of things that make me awesome, in fact. I am compassionate, resourceful, friendly, I can almost run a mile, because I built myself a really bitchin' computer last summer, or because when I write, I use lots of sentences with hyphens in them.

I bet you're awesome, too. Take pride in your awesomeness. Appreciate the many things about you that make you awesome. Is it because you are athletic? Capable of leading a team? Because you are analytical? Is it your sense of humor? You know why you're awesome better than I ever will. Roll around in that awesomeness. Love those things about yourself, and love yourself. Things fall into place a lot more easily if you are happy with who you are, and I think that people you meet will pick up on--and be drawn to that, too.

Oh, and here, this courage wolf meme might make you smile a little. :)
posted by Jinkeez at 10:09 AM on September 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

There's a lot to unwind here, and your therapist is the one best equipped to help you do it.

The important thing about friendship is to be selfless. Try to imagine how the other person feels as frequently as you can. I'm not saying that you need to be materially selfless, but rather to imagine how you feel if you were that person standing next to you, listening to what you have to say. How would that feel to you?

I think that you'll find that if you have people that you like to hang out with, you'll have an easier time enjoying yourself, so you don't have to "pretend" to be happy. The only advice that I have here is that sometimes, you're better off listening to other people than you are speaking. If you can't find what to say, or you think that you're going to be too much of a downer, then don't talk so much. Enjoy what other people have to say.

Good luck!
posted by Citrus at 10:09 AM on September 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

"I went through a depressive episode (nothing mental, more emotional) a few years ago."

Based on everything you've said, you appear to be suffering from serious depression right now. There have been some excellent threads on AskMeFi on how to deal with depression - I would recommend reading through some of them.

"My therapist suggest these terrible ideas to get me out (going to the park, go to free events around the city)
Don't get me wrong, but that's the stuff you would do all the time when you are lame."

There's nothing inherently "lame" about those activities. You may not personally be excited by them, which is fine. Some people are, and that's fine too. The idea is to get you moving, doing something, anything, because depression can often just paralyze you. Once you're up and moving doing something comparatively easy (like going to a free event in the park), it becomes easier to tackle something that may be more difficult and more meaningful to you.

Speaking of which - you don't mention what activities you personally enjoy or think you would find to be not "lame." You say you play sports - are they meaningful or important to you? If you can find activities that are rewarding for you, they can not only help with the depression, but also provide opportunities for building friendships.

In case you can't think of any activities which might be meaningful to you, here's a top-of-my-head random list to check out: painting, marine biology, computer programming, juggling, caring for the elderly, political activism, rock climbing, judo, fixing old cars, playing the guitar, camping, cooking, theatre, tutoring at-risk kids, song writing, mathematics, building robots, reading poetry, historical re-enactment, dancing, etc, etc, etc.

"Why is my friend only suggesting a movie when I'm dying to know what makes people stay together from as lovers or as friends over many months or years?"

The first step to a long-lasting relationship is getting to know another person. That has to start somewhere, such as a low-pressure date for dinner and a movie.

"I am socially awkward ..."

Some of your awkwardness is just due to being young, while some of it is your depression. On the chance that you actually have below-average natural social skills, then you might be able to pull something useful from this comment I made a while back concerning my own growth from being a social moron to being more or less competent and comfortable with others.
posted by tdismukes at 10:10 AM on September 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

There is nothing wrong with you.
posted by Wordwoman at 10:21 AM on September 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

Not to be flip, but there’s a tried and true path for types exactly like you – become an artist. (No, not all artists are like you, but many successful people like you are artists.)

Pick a form. Painting, writing, dance, whatever. If you’re really as bad at socializing as you suggest, maybe stay away from group forms like theater. This gives you a reason to avoid people (you’re just “working”) and a vehicle to use when engaged with people (“You’re a musician? Cool. What kind of music do you play? Can I hear some?”)

Poetry? Cool. When you’re happy with what you’re writing, go to a poetry slam. You can sulk. (You’ll blend right in with the other sulkers.) Perform your piece. If people dig it, they’ll seek you out. If not, no problem – you have to go home anyway to write a new poem about it.

Sculptor? Awesome. Sculpt away. Build up a portfolio. Eventually go off to art school where you’ll meet dozens of folks just like you, who will understand and accept you.

Sure, there’s something to be said for changing what you don’t like about yourself. But there’s also value in figuring out how you might use your natural tendencies to meet your broader goals.
posted by ericc at 10:32 AM on September 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

It sounds from what you've written here that to the outside world, you're doing a great job of "passing" as a guy who's happy and successful (friends, sports, "got game," etc.) but you sound really depressed on the inside. I think you should try a new therapist. This one you have now doesn't seem like he gets you, and you don't seem to like him much either. You didn't mention if you're on medication or not, but I think a new therapist + meds could be a great new combination for you. Please get some (more) help and feel better.
posted by pised at 10:37 AM on September 11, 2009

My therapist suggest these terrible ideas to get me out (going to the park, go to free events around the city)

Come to a Metafilter meetup.
posted by Obscure Reference at 10:44 AM on September 11, 2009

...My therapist suggest these terrible ideas to get me out (going to the park, go to free events around the city).. Don't get me wrong, but that's the stuff you would do all the time when you are lame...
...something bland like sports/movies/dinner
...gets boring
...ended the night listening to some of the funniest conversation and friendly insults over drinks

It sounds like you care more about having friends to do exciting and funny things with than you do about having meaningful relationships.

By meaningful and long-lasting, I assume you mean: full of openness; raw honesty; sharing of possessions and favors; mutual dependency in times of need; sharing of joys and sorrows; shared good memories; mutual encouragement in tough times; mutual encouragement to improve mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually.

Intimacy ain't cheap and it's something built up over time and a lot of "lame" conversation. Think carefully about what you really want in your friendships, because if you truly want intimate and meaningful relationships you need to be ok with not always being excited and sometimes with being mutually bored.

And I can 100%, buy-you-a-pork-chop-on-a-stick-guarantee that if you keep actively categorizing your friends binarily as either "lame/boring" or "exciting and funny" you'll soon have none.
posted by chalbe at 11:28 AM on September 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

There were two things I wanted to address:

Should I pretend to be happy so people will hang out with me?

Honestly, that could be helpful. If you tell yourself to pretend, even just momentarily, that everything isn't wrong, you might actually start to feel better. And because people are more likely to talk to people who seem inviting, you might get and keep some friends, which could in turn make you feel somewhat better.

This works with varying degrees of success. There are times when I'm depressed and I can shake myself out of it by forcing myself to act happy, but other times when it's just way too bad for anything like that to work. I've never lost anything by at least trying, though, and it makes me feel better to think that I'm actively trying to do something about it instead of just wallowing.

[something bland like sports/movies/dinner]

Those "something bland"s are how people become close enough friends to start revealing "meaningful" things. The impression I got from the post is that you're expecting people to open up to you way too fast. I've also noticed that once people hit adulthood, they tend to open up a little slower; you'll almost never make wham-bang friends in a couple days like is common in primary and secondary school. Keep going to the bland things, enjoy fun stuff with people, and eventually some of them will feel safe enough to open up. It will also keep you occupied.

I know it can sound boring -- I prefer my interactions with people to be more substantial than 'lets go do this' -- but that's how new friends are made. When you spend much of your childhood depressed -- the kind of depression where you feel vividly, rather than feeling nothing -- you can become so accustomed to dwelling in a world of thick emotion that you lose sight of the fact that a lot of other people don't live that way. I know that's how I was, anyway. I was always seeking some kind of emotional release I couldn't quite find, and I really thought everyone else was like that deep down. Now that I'm older (only 25) I realize that mostly I only have that in common with other depressed people. Most of the people you meet aren't going to approach other people with the intent of diving into some shared emotional pool.

But other people do have feelings, and deep ones, even if they aren't always at the forefront of their mind. They do want meaningful relationships. Be patient, and eventually one of them will need a friend like you to talk to, and you two will become closer for it. You don't need to give up on all the things you feel, but there is something to be said for trying to live life in a less fraught, more carefree way that others seem to. By telling myself that I might try to emulate this person or that person in that sense, it really has helped me to actually feel better. Plus it keeps me from alienating my friends, so when I do get depressed I feel that I have fewer things to be depressed about. That helps me come out of it more quickly.
posted by Nattie at 11:29 AM on September 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

I agree with what everyone is saying above about you probably being depressed right now. One other point I'd like to make is - life is pretty boring for most people most of the time. Relationships like what you see in the movies and on TV where everything flows perfectly and there are never any awkward silences just aren't the same as in real life. So maybe you just need to accept and work through the boring stuff in order to get to solid friendships and solid relationships. So go ahead and ask a woman out to a movie or for a drink or whatever. If you had an ok time, ask her out again. If not ask someone else. Start slowly and you'll eventually get where you want to go.
posted by hazyjane at 11:39 AM on September 11, 2009

I'm not a therapist, and I hope this won't offend you, but to my untrained ears it sounds like you are seriously depressed. Depression is an illness, and it's just as real as any other illness despite being invisible. What that means is that you need and deserve treatment. You don't have to live in pain and sadness or experience life as a continuing gray boredom. That is not normal and it's not necessary or right for you to feel that way. It's unlikely that you can solve a problem of that magnitude by yourself. Nor could you mend your own broken bones. Please find a psychiatrist you can trust and be honest with him or her about everything you've told us here.
posted by prefpara at 12:02 PM on September 11, 2009

One of my dreams is to find a doctor anywhere in the world that is pro euthanasia because I can't stand my life. I'd tell him "sign me up for euthanasia" with the biggest smile on my face.

I am not a doctor either, but strongly believe you are profoundly depressed. You should be talking honestly with a therapist and probably taking medication. The medication doesn't change you, it just helps shake you out of your rut.

My other piece of advice is to teach yourself to enjoy simple things. Meditation can help a lot. Sit on your bed and listen to the sounds outside your window. Quiet attention will transform them into wondrous music. Read "Where ever you go, there you are."

Turn your attention to an activity you can enjoy, such as writing, photography, music, etc. Enjoy it for its own sake without having expectations that it be meaningful. Try doing the same with people. Play a game of chess with someone, just to enjoy that game without looking for meaningful connection.

Travelling can sometimes be like pressing a reset button. Go somewhere you have never been, never thought of going, that entrances you. Plan for that trip now. Having something to look forward to in the future can help.

Right now you may feel like you are going through the motions, and that it's all a chore. You need delicately acquaint yourself with enjoyment again. My recommendation is to start small. Unburden yourself by talking to your therapist.

I wish you the best. If you want to talk, memail me. Btw, it sounds to me like you already have some good friends if you are talking to them about this stuff...
posted by xammerboy at 12:48 PM on September 11, 2009

I just wanted to chime in and say -

it takes me 4 years at a minimum to really for a "friend" relationship (as opposed to just acquaintance)

That said, I don't have many friends, and I definitely have more acquaintances than friends. Most of my social nights are spent with these acquaintances that I only topically know, just like your typical nights out.

But, I'm OK with that because thats how I am. I don't make friends in a week. I don't have to.

Can you accept that you could be like me and just don't easily make these "deep relationships"? There's nothing wrong with that, its basically just a preference for keeping those who stick around as your real friends and realizing that most interactions with other humans are passing and just an entertaining way to pass the time. Not every social exchange needs to mean something or be bigger that itself.
posted by WeekendJen at 3:14 PM on September 11, 2009

*second line should read "really form a "friend" relationship...
posted by WeekendJen at 3:15 PM on September 11, 2009

Read the book How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Risho, because it sounds like your parents are shit at modeling that for you.

Do stuff that YOU find fun. Obviously, your therapist is suggesting stuff that he finds fun and you don't--what do YOU find fun? (Judging other people's fun as "lame" makes you a boring asshole, though. I mean, really, saying that people who go to parks and to free events are "lame" just sounds like childish sour grapes.)

Move out of your parents' dysfunctional house. Some of my best friendships of 20+ years are with people I didn't know all that well before we became housemates, so maybe moving into a shared apartment or house is a good way to start connecting with other human beings who are not your parents.

As for connecting with your parents, if they are throwing shit at each other, now is probably not the time to build a strong relationship with them, because they are clearly not capable of positive, mature, respectful interactions. Work on your own life--you've got another 30 or 40 years to build a relationship with them if they ever get less crazy.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:50 PM on September 11, 2009

Develop a deep curiosity about other people: listen to them, ask them questions.

When you try to find out something about someone (breast or ass man, dogs or cats, mountain, beach or city... trivia), they won't just answer, they'll tell you why, and they'll ask you. You're making links, storing experiences, being able to say things like "I met a guy that [drove a tank|loved taxidermy] once, he said [something] and I thought, how [adjective] I [could never|would love to] do that". The "what" side is banal and pointless(I don't give a damn whether you prefer horror or sci-fi, I'm not going to snub you or fall in love with you based on the answer), but the "how" and "why" is the stuff of life (and I may just fall in love with you based on that side, even if you read horror and watch sci-fi and not vice-versa).

I guess my overriding theory, having felt pretty mentally vulnerable myself, is that isolation is the biggest problem. If you cut yourself off from other people you are not grounded. I mean that in pretty much the electrical sense, your emotional and mental level can drift quite far from the neutral range, you can get some pretty sub-optimal ideas in your head which aren't challenged, and non-superficial contact with other people can be painful and shocking after a spell of being cut off. Ultimately, it's much more beneficial to have that contact on a regular or constant basis, unless you're deliberately trying to put yourself in a weird mental space.

Oh, and make sure you're getting enough physical exercise: it's not just physical.

And if the weird ramblings above don't make it evident, I am not a professional. There's nothing wrong with seeing a professional
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 4:24 PM on September 11, 2009

You are putting way too much pressure on yourself and others. You're like a toddler learning to walk, complaining that you don't want to do any of this crawling shit, you just want to win the 100 meter dash at the Olympics. Well, guess how you get there? First you need to suck for a long time, and keep at it anyways.

You want to have a years-long meaningful relationship? Well, that's made up a lot of mundane-looking stuff along the way. First you don't know each other well. You go on lame dates that end up interesting because hormones make everything sparkle. And then the honeymoon phase is over and suddenly your partner isn't as sparkly and neither are you and intimacy is hard work and sometimes it's scary, and you suck at it, but you keep at it anyways. And that's how you end up finding a partner who you know how to live with and who makes you laugh because you've had that inside joke for 5 years already and who drives you up the wall but who also drives you to distraction with love.

Step 1, you go out for coffee. If you skip that step you aren't going to get to Step 3205, you wake up in the middle of the night in pain and they hold your hand and come to emergency with you even though it's 2am and they're damn tired, because they love you that much. It's not magic, it's just a lot of little steps, whether it's marriage or friendship or a successful work relationship.
posted by heatherann at 5:37 PM on September 11, 2009

Building/creating something with other people is a great way to build meaningful relationships. A business, an event, a volunteer project, or even a class involving a lot of collaborative work and studying.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:08 PM on September 11, 2009

Thank you for the chance to talk to my 21-year-old self :)

Really. Though our families differ in composition and in flavours of dysfunction, most of the other things you mention are what I had to work with 22 years ago. So I get the extremes of alternately feeling desperately depressed and tensing with desire to change something, anything, and progress.

There have already been some good, practical responses here dealing with the social and emotional issues; I especially would have benefitted from what hermitosis, zippy, and The Light Fantastic said when I was going through this. The thing I'd like to add is: Make sure you're questioning your assessments. Not just of other people and events, but of your responses. My youth was filled with years of assuming I knew how others felt, assuming I couldn't talk to friends or acquaintances, assuming how others saw me. Talking more seemed too risky and potentially painful, so I didn't, and remained in the dark for far longer than was good for me. Don't leave yourself in the dark; TALK, and gain the wisdom that comes from experience. Good and bad. Noone worth your time will think less of you for asking.

I would also add that some of the people who I had thought were lame at the time turned out to be unique, interesting, and after a while very special to me. It's the curse of most young adults to have just enough life experience to make them jaded, but not enough to know how little can be predicted based on a small bit of outward observation. Don't sell anyone short until you've really tried to know them, because that's one way you can miss a good thing.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 12:57 AM on September 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

You could be depressed, and others have addressed that part already, so I won't get into that. My take is a bit different.

...therapist suggest these terrible ideas to get me out (going to the park, go to free events around the city)...
...that's the stuff you would do all the time when you are lame...
...I want to live more than that...
...[something bland like sports/movies/dinner]...

Know what I think? You sound bored. And you need to get out of your head (because it's boring you too). You're a young man. Your body is screaming for an adrenaline rush. Your mind needs something you can completely focus on and lose yourself into.

Ever thought of trying extreme sports?

It won't solve your social problems, but it might A) introduce you to some new people while B) get you more excited about your life -> a happier person in general -> more fun to hang out with. (And less likely to rely on relationships as your sole source of excitement and fun. Because sometimes they just aren't, and you have to think outside the box).

Seen it work wonders on mopey youngsters before.
posted by sively at 4:10 AM on September 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Gosh, hello twenties! I think a major problem I had in my twenties, as an introverted, awkward, and depressed young person is that I genuinely thought happiness/enthusiasm=fake and silly, depressing=cool and true. I was very concerned about not looking stupid or silly, so I would often bring the conversations down to the level of "everything suxxors".

You know what I realize now? It freakin' sucks to try and manage people's impressions of me. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but it does sound you do sound pretty judgmental about what's "lame" and what isn't. You won't hang out in certain places, do certain things because it's uncool, and only lame people do it. (As opposed to saying, I don't like fucking parks! Or, I hate public free events! Which is more understandable than your rather image-conscious ideas about those things.) It just sounds to me you desperately want meaningful relationships, but you're cutting yourself the means of having them by being concerned with "coolness."

You want great relationships? #1 be more accepting, forgiving, and gentle with self and others. #2 you can't do this if you are concerned with your image, and are pretty judgmental. #3 instead of responding to everything in terms of how much it sucks, realize that there is a good and bad side to all things. The shittiest moments I had in my life--I realize were valuable moments for me. They helped me empathize with other people in the same situation, or they broadened my perspective (we often learn through pain.)

Something that also helped me and lifted my depression: I stopped doing all that shit that I truly did not want to do. Following careers mapped out by other people, for example.
posted by thisperon at 5:02 AM on September 12, 2009

Response by poster: Thank you all for your responses. It makes me feel good that people are out there to help.

I promised myself I will not get back right away because I needed time to take everything in.

I did read over all your comments. I'll address what I can without being too lengthy in one sitting. I'll shed more information of myself.

I did take what I wrote to my therapist. It's actually a 'she' rather than a 'he' like some of you mentioned. I left out one part; the part about euthanasia. I'm scared my therapist will over react and give me a bunch of useless drugs. Furthermore, I feel I need to be emotionally through good habits and good friends rather than drugs. We came to the consensus that I could look into a more specialized therapist. Im planning to seek counselling at my university.

I had a "wake up call" three weeks ago. I tell people I ride bmx because it's hard to explain what street/urban biking is. I can jump over picnic tables on a normal sized bike.

One of my good friends had invited me to meet some of his ladies friends. I decided to not go because I told myself I had really bad social skills that will make my time his friends less than satisfactory. Furthermore, I was hoping I would start going out when my social skills improve. Instead I went biking in a very bad mood. I was sad because I knew really wanted to connect with new people. I would trade my mediocore biking skills to be a better person around people. I landed on my face that day chipping four teeth... my normal reaction to bail out my fall was slow or nonexist. I was truly absent minded that day. - f*ck

My wake up call was: "You need to handle and work on your emotions... you can't keep running from them because they affect your life." Somehow I need to be more comfortable around people...

About two years ago I left home for university. It was a place to be social and make new friends - I didnt fit in. I became very depressed. I struggle to make friends or just casual acquaintances under most conditions. Now I go to school else and doing slightly better with friends.

Recently I went to a house party with two acquaintances. I've never felt so awkward lately. It was oblivious to me to strike up a conversation where i didn't know anyone. Oh well; trial and error. I learned more about myself that day.

Changes to myself

The Good:
> I speak out more about what matters to me, even if its a problem
> Seeking counselling at school
> This is not new to me but: accepted things will: take time, won't necessarily be easy, will be awkward

The Bad:
> Lots of will "for change" but no real guidance or results
> People forceable assume "I think to much" as a big concern. This bothers me alot because they will try to solve an issue that doesn't exist. I dont know what it is but my inaction doesnt just come from me thinking too much or too little.

Again, thank you all for reading. I hope people have something to add in addition to what I have and others have writing under this topic.

Your help is greatly appreciated.
posted by AugustEnds at 9:20 AM on September 23, 2009