Let's not go get drunk.

August 15, 2009 7:09 AM

How can I get my mind off of this girl? Looking for healthy suggestions.

There's this girl. She is one of my two roommates. I'm cannot flirt with her, or show her any sign that I like her, because she would reject me, and then I would have to move out, which I absolutely do not want to do. That being said, I hurts me a lot when she brings guys over, and I can hear them through the walls. Or when stays out all night with my best friend, for example. Needless to say, this is causing me emotional distress. I feel like getting drunk.

But I don't think that is the right reaction. I want to get my mind off of her. I want to move on. This much drama is not healthy for me. She's not worth it. I realize this may not be a very well-posed question, but any comments or suggestions you could provide to assist with that goal would be appreciated. Thanks.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total)

When you can, move out - and move in with people you aren't attracted to. As it seems that this girl has no idea that you're interested in her, you could come up with other reasons for the move (a shorter commute, cheaper rent, whatever) and no one would be the wiser.

You also don't know that she'd reject you. Are you friends now, or just acquaintances? How long have you been living together?
posted by mdonley at 7:23 AM on August 15, 2009

Get out of the apartment more often and go meet some other girl. I don't know what kind of answer you were expecting, but clearly we can't, like, pith or lobotomize you. Why are you infatuated with a woman who is not interested in you?
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:25 AM on August 15, 2009

Temporary solution: Go to the gym. Squat until you can't see straight. Repeat as necessary.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:32 AM on August 15, 2009 [5 favorites]

Don't drink. The only way to get over her is to meet someone.
posted by whiskeyspider at 8:08 AM on August 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Why are you infatuated with a woman who is not interested in you?

Most of us don't choose who we are strongly attracted to.

Yeah, I think you need to find other digs. Living with her and trying to repress those feelings is only going to make it worse for you, I'm afraid. Not having day-to-day contact will get you in a place where you're more inclined to notice other women. Your only other option here is talking to her about it, which you don't seemed terribly inclined to do.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:13 AM on August 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Start thinking about the thing which you are trying to avoid by distracting yourself with this girl.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:54 AM on August 15, 2009 [6 favorites]

Get out of the house, as much as possible; you'll be busier, less likely to be at home when she's there with a boy, and - crucially - you'll increase your chances of meeting someone yourself. It's much, much easier to get over a crush or an ex or anything of that sort when you have someone else to plug into that part of your brain that Wants.
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:20 AM on August 15, 2009

Here's my theory: You're a fairly passive, introverted, typical "nice guy" type who spends a lot of time at home. You need to be less of a passive, introverted, nice guy. Be a little more of an outgoing selfish "do-er" (an alpha male) rather than thinker and brooder (beta male). Be a little bit contemptuous and dismissive of her, rather than always eager for any sign of her favor or scrap of her attention. Normal women despise fawning, insecure men with low self opinions.

If you change, and become more ballsy and robust, less fixated on her, there's a chance she will become attracted to you. More importantly, your life will become more satisfying so you won't care so much whether she is attracted to you, and you will have lots of women clamoring for your attention.
posted by jayder at 9:29 AM on August 15, 2009

I'm cannot flirt with her, or show her any sign that I like her, because she would reject me, and then I would have to move out, which I absolutely do not want to do.

I don't get either part of that, but maybe there is more to the story.

You can flirt with anyone, I think, since it's just flirting and always socially-defensible as "just kidding around." That's sort of the whole thing about flirting: plausible deniability.

And I realize this is anonymous, but rhetorically... why would you have to move out if she didn't sleep with you? You're not sleeping with her now, after all.

And why are you so sure she would reject you?
posted by rokusan at 9:55 AM on August 15, 2009

Tell yourself you're just not automagically entitled to every attractive woman out there. Crushes also tend to die when you find someone else.
posted by damn dirty ape at 10:38 AM on August 15, 2009

Tell yourself you're just not automagically entitled to every attractive woman out there.

He doesn't seem to think he is. In fact, he's so sure he's not entitled to this woman that he's not going to try for her.

My advice, OP, mirrors what others have said. Get out more often to meet people, look into moving. Once you move, then maybe you can try flirting with this girl.

You probably should reconsider that drink. Especially when you go out to meet people. It will help.
posted by spaltavian at 11:16 AM on August 15, 2009

Those of you assuming stuff, how do you know the OP is a man, exactly?
posted by rokusan at 11:38 AM on August 15, 2009

The first and most obvious question is "why are you sure she wouldn't respond at all?". You can always, as said above, flirt a little and see what response you get. If you have a good reason to think that she wouldn't respond (like you've already tried it or whatever), then you're in a tough spot.

This kind of situation is rough because you can't really escape from it. Ultimately the best solution is @mdonleys - move out and move in with people you're not attracted to. As far as I'm concerned, people are not designed to live in close proximity that they want but can't have; how are you supposed to forget something that's being shoved in your face all the time?. Nthing the suggestion to go out more, get out of the house. Meet new people, take up a new hobby, do whatever it takes to focus your mind on something/somebody else. If you're single, find a girl that returns your interest.
posted by bone machine at 12:22 PM on August 15, 2009

rokusan : Those of you assuming stuff, how do you know the OP is a man, exactly?

I'm pretty sure the OP is capable of adding an s in front of he if required. None of the advice here, including jayder's, is only applicable to men.
posted by spaltavian at 1:01 PM on August 15, 2009

Be a little bit contemptuous and dismissive of her

I don't know how helpful my suggestion will be, but I can certainly suggest to the OP that he (assuming the OP is a "he") not do this. Seriously, "contemptuous?" Why is it that so much advice of this sort equates becoming a more confident person with being a dick to women, and takes it as some sort of iron law of nature that women just love a man who treats them like crap? There's a difference between being confident and comfortable with oneself, and being an asshole- the insistence many people have on equating the two baffles and depresses me.

To the OP- if there's no chance that she would reciprocate your feelings, and you can't move out or generally spend less time around her, you might try examining the nature of the desire. There have already been some suggestions along those lines- one other thing I'll mention is that for me is that, though I'm not a Buddhist myself, I have found the Buddhist perspective on desire and craving is very relevant to situations like this, and it's quite possible to get something out of it without becoming a convert or believing in the more religious aspects of it. You might consider reading up a little on the Buddhist view of desire and suffering and see if it resonates with you, and delve into it further if it does. I have no idea if that's the kind of thing that you would find helpful, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
posted by a louis wain cat at 1:41 PM on August 15, 2009 [6 favorites]

I'm not sure where Damn Dirty Ape's idea comes from, that having a crush equals thinking "you're just ... automagically entitled to every attractive woman out there." I mean, seriously? Desire for X equals belief that one is entitled to X? Seriously? WTF?

To the OP: it does sound like you're having an extremely unhealthy reaction to this girl. Here's my suggestion: make the fucking move. "What," you ask, "are you fucking crazy?" Perhaps. But here's the rationale. Best case scenario, you're wrong about her likelihood of rejecting you, and you win. Middle scenario: she rejects you but there are no hard feelings, there's a bit of awkwardness and it passes. My experience is that this sort of crush tends to linger when one doesn't do anything about it, but can go away if one tries to do so. (Actually making the move and getting shut down, for some reason, is a good cure for obsession.) Worst case scenario: you have to move out, which you will probably have to do anyway if this sort of seriously unhealthy thinking continues.
posted by paultopia at 3:32 PM on August 15, 2009

I would flirt with her, especially if you are moving out anyway. I think that you want to drink so that you can talk her. Why don't you find a new place and then when the plans are set, give it the old college try.

If she doesn't reject you, it will be better to not start out living together.

Unless this is your best friends girlfriend, then you should just move out and keep in contact. Nothing is hopeless.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 4:10 PM on August 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

If she doesn't reject you, it will be better to not start out living together.

This is also true. I've done the dating-a-roommate thing before. BAD IDEA. If only because a) too much intimacy too fast and b) much harder to escape if things go south.
posted by paultopia at 4:33 PM on August 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

rokusan : Those of you assuming stuff, how do you know the OP is a man, exactly?

I'm pretty sure the OP is capable of adding an s in front of he if required. None of the advice here, including jayder's, is only applicable to men.

Some girls dig other girls.
posted by GPF at 7:43 PM on August 15, 2009

Some girls dig other girls.

And that makes it impossible for them to imagine an s before h-e to make answers more applicable? Weird. I never knew lesbianism was so crippling to one's language skills.

<>

Anyway, to the OP, I too cannot see why you can't flirt with her. Flirting does not equal a relationship, nor does it imply that there ever will be one. However, from what you say, she sounds like a bit of a promiscuous (perhaps) party girl, so maybe you like her but aren't into her lifestyle or are afraid of it to some degree. I have had some pretty hard crushes on people that I logically knew wouldn't be good for me, due to their lifestyle choices, and it sucks. Immensely. I don't know if that's your situation or not, but regardless you do have options:

- You can move out, as mdonley suggested. I think that's a good suggestion, but if this girl is also a friend, she may find it odd that you suddenly want to jump ship, even if the excuse is that the rent is cheaper or the location is better. A friend would sense an odd decision if you make it, definitely.

- You could continue to live with her, but set some friendly, housemate-based guidelines about appropriate behavior. For instance, I think it's all well, good and normal that people occasionally get it on when others are in a house; however, for my own sanity, and sometimes my gag reflex, I don't want to hear moans, groans and screamed adulations to God. That's normal, too. If her behavior on some late nights is bothering you, you, as her housemate, have every right to request her to quiet down a little. She may be a little offended or embarrassed, but she'll get over it.

- Date people. The quickest way to take your mind off of someone you feel you can't have, for whatever reason, is to find someone else you're attracted to. It's really not that hard, either, once you go out and meet other people. Depending on your philosophy, it's either highly surprising or highly unsurprising to find that we have "soul mates" everywhere. If you don't want to date, in particular, invite friends over more often. Keep socially busy.

- Take up a hobby, art or craft. It's amazing what a creative or sports-based activity can do for the brain. Not only is it healthy for you, but it will help you through any sort of emotion you're trying to process: distress, grief, anger, etc. If you're an artsy type, consider finding a craft that is meticulous and will make you concentrate on it. If a sport is more your thing, look for something that will really push your body to its limits; this will give you a serotonin boost to help with all those negative feelings, and it will make you very tired at night, so perhaps you'll sleep through any naughtiness that might be going on around you.
posted by metalheart at 1:25 AM on August 16, 2009

rokusan: Those of you assuming stuff, how do you know the OP is a man, exactly?

Spaltavian: I'm pretty sure the OP is capable of adding an s in front of he if required. None of the advice here, including jayder's, is only applicable to men.

GPF: Some girls dig other girls.


Yeah, that was the point. Someone complained that we don't know the gender of the OP; my point was that the advice isn't gender specific, so if the OP is a female, she can just change the pronouns as needed.

But thanks for the revelation about lesbians, though. I really grew today.
posted by spaltavian at 2:56 PM on August 16, 2009

Why are you infatuated with a woman who is not interested in you?

If no one ever became infatuated with people who weren't interested in them, there'd be less angst in the world, a lot fewer ideas for songs and movies, and fewer questions on Metafilter.

That said, I'd assume that if the OP were female, she would've mentioned it, perhaps along with the fact that the roomie might be straight (otherwise the OP wouldn't be so bothered about guys coming over).

And it might not be so much the assumption of rejection, just the really really bad fallout that would arise from rejection. Even if the OP didn't get kicked out, there'd be an awful lot of tension and awkwardness, and it'd be an elephant in the room.

The obvious answer is to go out and do stuff. You also mention that you don't feel she's worth all this frustration, and that right there puts you in a better boat than if you felt she were the most perfect girl in the world and that you absolutely need to find a way to woo her. Sometimes, accentuating the negative can be a good thing.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 2:24 AM on August 17, 2009

I have a new best answer for unrequited love questions: OK Cupid. Work on getting the little profile complete bar up to 100% and actively rate and message others. It helps in the short term and it's really easy to up the dose whenever you start to build up a tolerance.

Even if you don't strike up any dates, let yourself have wayward, healthy crushes on the profiles you browse.
posted by Skwirl at 5:17 PM on August 17, 2009