How to help a friend get over a break up?
August 13, 2009 4:25 AM Subscribe
Help me get a friend who has the worst malady of all...unrequited love.
I have known this girl for 9 years, and since the day we met when we were 15, we have been best friends. She is unusually sweet tempered, has a degree in rural development, lives her life helping other people and I have seen her cry over the misery of indigenous people, several times. I'm not being partial when I tell you she's beautiful, she dances, she paints she is engaging and very, very interesting. As a pair, I was the not-so-kind one, and I would be the one to always tell people to piss off if they behaved stupidly, specially towards her (she's the sort of person who cannot say NO, while I'm perfectly capable of it, and thoroughly enjoy it).
Well, a couple of years ago she met a guy, who is as wonderful as her. He's an anthropologist, helps indigenous tribes, is a musician, is gentle, nice and cheerful, etc. Which means he's perfect for her. And honestly, I vouch for it, they are the same species from head to toe. Of course they got together and they were happy for a couple of years, but then she became rather insecure, and, to tell you the truth, rather annoying.
R. used to be an independent person with whom I have been everywhere and seen everyone, she was the girl who was capable of traveling on her own to a different country and meet amazing people and she had become pathologically insecure! Of course her boyfriend broke up with her (she was VERY annoying about ridiculous things) , and her world simply shattered. In the end she was right of course, I had been dismissing it as her own paranoia, but the dude had been eyeing another girl, we found out later.
My problem is I'm out of ideas to help. It has been 8 months since they broke up, and I received an email from her today giving me her account of all of the things he does...after 8 months! It pains me to see her like this, she had everything going for her and now she's reduced to I don't know even what...I get the feeling I'm talking to a widow from the 1800's when I'm talking to her, the way she still loves him and cannot get over him.
On top of it all, I have moved to the US, because I got back together with an ex, and we got married about a month after she and her boyfriend broke up. This has two effects: First, I left her alone, which I don't like at all. Second, I think this gave her hopes that she, too, would get together with her ex and would eventually get married.
Please help me get her out of this pathetic state, she's been like this for too long!
I have known this girl for 9 years, and since the day we met when we were 15, we have been best friends. She is unusually sweet tempered, has a degree in rural development, lives her life helping other people and I have seen her cry over the misery of indigenous people, several times. I'm not being partial when I tell you she's beautiful, she dances, she paints she is engaging and very, very interesting. As a pair, I was the not-so-kind one, and I would be the one to always tell people to piss off if they behaved stupidly, specially towards her (she's the sort of person who cannot say NO, while I'm perfectly capable of it, and thoroughly enjoy it).
Well, a couple of years ago she met a guy, who is as wonderful as her. He's an anthropologist, helps indigenous tribes, is a musician, is gentle, nice and cheerful, etc. Which means he's perfect for her. And honestly, I vouch for it, they are the same species from head to toe. Of course they got together and they were happy for a couple of years, but then she became rather insecure, and, to tell you the truth, rather annoying.
R. used to be an independent person with whom I have been everywhere and seen everyone, she was the girl who was capable of traveling on her own to a different country and meet amazing people and she had become pathologically insecure! Of course her boyfriend broke up with her (she was VERY annoying about ridiculous things) , and her world simply shattered. In the end she was right of course, I had been dismissing it as her own paranoia, but the dude had been eyeing another girl, we found out later.
My problem is I'm out of ideas to help. It has been 8 months since they broke up, and I received an email from her today giving me her account of all of the things he does...after 8 months! It pains me to see her like this, she had everything going for her and now she's reduced to I don't know even what...I get the feeling I'm talking to a widow from the 1800's when I'm talking to her, the way she still loves him and cannot get over him.
On top of it all, I have moved to the US, because I got back together with an ex, and we got married about a month after she and her boyfriend broke up. This has two effects: First, I left her alone, which I don't like at all. Second, I think this gave her hopes that she, too, would get together with her ex and would eventually get married.
Please help me get her out of this pathetic state, she's been like this for too long!
Please don't feel guilty about moving to the US and leaving her alone. How she chooses to view your relationship in the context of her own is not your problem. She is still clinging on to some hope that he will change his mind and come around. You need to gently, but firmly, remind her that she needs to move on with her life.
I have a couple of questions. You said he was eyeing another woman - is he definitely involved with somebody else? Are they still on speaking terms? Do they still socialize?
You can't really help other than being a good and caring friend (which you obviously are). Time will do the rest. I'm helping a close friend get over being dumped for another woman. I'm kinda tired of this dominating our conversations on a regular basis, but I know she just needs somebody to listen and understand her hurt.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:24 AM on August 13, 2009
I have a couple of questions. You said he was eyeing another woman - is he definitely involved with somebody else? Are they still on speaking terms? Do they still socialize?
You can't really help other than being a good and caring friend (which you obviously are). Time will do the rest. I'm helping a close friend get over being dumped for another woman. I'm kinda tired of this dominating our conversations on a regular basis, but I know she just needs somebody to listen and understand her hurt.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:24 AM on August 13, 2009
If she really wants to help other people, she's got to take care of herself. Tell her that, and ask her what she'd wish if she knew someone who was spending so much time and energy on something like this. If I'm right, she'd have the impulse to take care of that person -- so she should honor that impulse toward herself, however she, knowing herself as well as she does, thinks is best.
posted by amtho at 5:47 AM on August 13, 2009
posted by amtho at 5:47 AM on August 13, 2009
Contact her often, listen to her, encourage her to get out and meet people, and quit judging her.
posted by bunny hugger at 6:49 AM on August 13, 2009
posted by bunny hugger at 6:49 AM on August 13, 2009
Response by poster: Thank you for your responses, the answers to your questions are these:
They do see each other, because of the similarities in the work they do (cultural events, fund raising, etc.) which I am totally against, because she seems to be surrounded by a wave of gossip and mumbling all the time (it is a circle in which everyone knows everyone).
He did not really cheat on her, but broke up with her, and instantly started a relationship with an Italian intern that had arrived to work at his NGO, which makes me think he sort of planned everything. And this, I may say, really hurt R.
I listen to her, I called her periodically, write to her, and give her advice that goes unheard, but as futureisunwritten said, this subject has occupied the whole of our conversations for the last 8 months, even when I told her that I was going to get married, she was happy for a minute but went back to the subject in a jiffy.
I swear on my kitty that I do listen to her, encourage her and try to be a good friend, and honestly I wouldn't mind listening to her for hours if I knew that she is actually going to get better! About the judging...well our relationship is more about honestly than politeness, so I do judge her, and I have told her that she has shrunk from the great woman that she was. I think that had some sort of effect on her, she felt ashamed and started going out a bit, but to no avail, it always comes back to why H. doesn't love her anymore, and how it breaks her heart to see him with his girlfriend.
posted by Tarumba at 7:37 AM on August 13, 2009
They do see each other, because of the similarities in the work they do (cultural events, fund raising, etc.) which I am totally against, because she seems to be surrounded by a wave of gossip and mumbling all the time (it is a circle in which everyone knows everyone).
He did not really cheat on her, but broke up with her, and instantly started a relationship with an Italian intern that had arrived to work at his NGO, which makes me think he sort of planned everything. And this, I may say, really hurt R.
I listen to her, I called her periodically, write to her, and give her advice that goes unheard, but as futureisunwritten said, this subject has occupied the whole of our conversations for the last 8 months, even when I told her that I was going to get married, she was happy for a minute but went back to the subject in a jiffy.
I swear on my kitty that I do listen to her, encourage her and try to be a good friend, and honestly I wouldn't mind listening to her for hours if I knew that she is actually going to get better! About the judging...well our relationship is more about honestly than politeness, so I do judge her, and I have told her that she has shrunk from the great woman that she was. I think that had some sort of effect on her, she felt ashamed and started going out a bit, but to no avail, it always comes back to why H. doesn't love her anymore, and how it breaks her heart to see him with his girlfriend.
posted by Tarumba at 7:37 AM on August 13, 2009
this subject has occupied the whole of our conversations for the last 8 months, even when I told her that I was going to get married, she was happy for a minute but went back to the subject in a jiffy.
I had a similar situation with an old friend. She'd been having problems with her family for as long as I'd known her, and they'd gotten worse. I listened, gave advice, and listened some more. She wasn't interested in my advice and frequently repeated stories or complaints. If I was happy about some good thing that happened in my life, it took all of five minutes for her to turn my news into more reasons her life sucked. Eventually, I confronted her about the way all of our conversations were going: I told her I wanted to be supportive of her, but I that I couldn't keep having the same exact conversation over and over again. She got very angry, and we stopped speaking for about a year. (My guilt in this situation was that for a long time I said nothing, just took her calls, then started avoiding her by phone, and eventually she started to notice that I wasn't calling her or calling her back. Frankly, I don't blame her for being angry.)
Then, recently, we reconnected. We both apologized. I really truly believe we needed that year apart. She began to get help for herself rather than just repeating the same complaints to friends, and this time around I know how to be honest if I'm feeling drained.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:04 AM on August 13, 2009
I had a similar situation with an old friend. She'd been having problems with her family for as long as I'd known her, and they'd gotten worse. I listened, gave advice, and listened some more. She wasn't interested in my advice and frequently repeated stories or complaints. If I was happy about some good thing that happened in my life, it took all of five minutes for her to turn my news into more reasons her life sucked. Eventually, I confronted her about the way all of our conversations were going: I told her I wanted to be supportive of her, but I that I couldn't keep having the same exact conversation over and over again. She got very angry, and we stopped speaking for about a year. (My guilt in this situation was that for a long time I said nothing, just took her calls, then started avoiding her by phone, and eventually she started to notice that I wasn't calling her or calling her back. Frankly, I don't blame her for being angry.)
Then, recently, we reconnected. We both apologized. I really truly believe we needed that year apart. She began to get help for herself rather than just repeating the same complaints to friends, and this time around I know how to be honest if I'm feeling drained.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:04 AM on August 13, 2009
Best answer: Until she cuts him out of her life completely, she's not going to get over him. Her rational brain has realised that it's over, but her emotional brain hasn't. For her emotions to catch up with her rationality, she needs to stop thinking about him, unfriend him on Facebook (delete his email address/phone number/blog from her favourites/etc) & have nothing to do with him at all*. She needs to completely cut him out of her life. When the emotional link that she still has with him (even if it only goes one way) has been severed, the emotional brain will start to recover.
Until she removes him from her world experience completely, she will not get over him. All she's doing at the moment is feeding the fire.
I received an email from her today giving me her account of all of the things he does...after 8 months!
Does she realise how ridiculous this is? How much this is causing her pain? Not only is she looking for him, she's internalising him and then passing him on to someone else. Until she cuts that out, she's not going to get better.
The problem is this: she might not want to get over him.
She might be enjoying this state she's in. Longing over a lost love can be a way of avoiding dealing with the fact that you now no longer have that love. The rational brain can tell the difference, but the emotional mind can't. She's probably still getting little rushes of happy hormones when she sees what he's up to now.
I can see how it's frustrating you. Believe me, I'd be right there with you, trying to get her to get over it. And she's lucky to have a friend who cares about her enough to be bothered about her mental wellbeing like this. But until the point she wants to change her life, no amount of cajoling and encouraging from you is going to make the slightest bit of difference. If this is going to turn into a wedge that comes between you, consider telling her that you don't want to hear about H at all.
Your friend is no longer the person that you used to know. That sucks. But it's true. There are two problems here - hers with her ex, and the new relationship that you and she have. The only one you can realistically do anything about is the one between you and her. Listening to her go on about this is just sort of enabling her "addiction" to this guy. Try telling her that the subject is off limits now between the two of you. If you're the only outlet she has for this drama, it might dry up a bit faster.
*I see that she can't do this because of work. That makes things a little more awkward. Either way, though, she needs to cut him out as much as possible. Perhaps by not going to work functions, talking to people about him or listening to what they have to say about him, and communicating with him via email.
posted by Solomon at 8:10 AM on August 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
Until she removes him from her world experience completely, she will not get over him. All she's doing at the moment is feeding the fire.
I received an email from her today giving me her account of all of the things he does...after 8 months!
Does she realise how ridiculous this is? How much this is causing her pain? Not only is she looking for him, she's internalising him and then passing him on to someone else. Until she cuts that out, she's not going to get better.
The problem is this: she might not want to get over him.
She might be enjoying this state she's in. Longing over a lost love can be a way of avoiding dealing with the fact that you now no longer have that love. The rational brain can tell the difference, but the emotional mind can't. She's probably still getting little rushes of happy hormones when she sees what he's up to now.
I can see how it's frustrating you. Believe me, I'd be right there with you, trying to get her to get over it. And she's lucky to have a friend who cares about her enough to be bothered about her mental wellbeing like this. But until the point she wants to change her life, no amount of cajoling and encouraging from you is going to make the slightest bit of difference. If this is going to turn into a wedge that comes between you, consider telling her that you don't want to hear about H at all.
Your friend is no longer the person that you used to know. That sucks. But it's true. There are two problems here - hers with her ex, and the new relationship that you and she have. The only one you can realistically do anything about is the one between you and her. Listening to her go on about this is just sort of enabling her "addiction" to this guy. Try telling her that the subject is off limits now between the two of you. If you're the only outlet she has for this drama, it might dry up a bit faster.
*I see that she can't do this because of work. That makes things a little more awkward. Either way, though, she needs to cut him out as much as possible. Perhaps by not going to work functions, talking to people about him or listening to what they have to say about him, and communicating with him via email.
posted by Solomon at 8:10 AM on August 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
Anonymous -
On the one hand, you sound pretty bright, so I am surprised you missed the obvious dynamics at play here. On the other hand, you sound like you want to help your friend...and judge the shit out of her... so maybe not so surprising that you missed the dynamics at play in your "friend's" situation!
The reason she went from being lovely and "in control" to super "annoying," as you termed it, is because she was dating an emotional vampire who undermined her self-esteem and sucked her dry emotionally. Of course she is shattered.
Further evidence for this is: 1. How charming you found the ex-boyfriend to be (those vampire-types usually are,) 2. The caddish way the ex-boyfriend hooked-up with new hot girlfriend in front of sucked-dry old girlfriend (old gf's misery fuels his new relationship on some level, guaranteed...) 3. And the fact that your "friend" is still COMPLETELY HOOKED on this awful awful emotional-vampire-guy, see #1.
BTW, I'll take the air-quotes (" ") away from the word FRIEND, when you start referring to R. with respect and show some understanding. She's learning one of the most difficult life lessons possible. Got it? Cool.
Look. I know this whole thing sucks for you, and you want to help, but you are so very frustrated. I get that. If ex-boyfriend is in the same social circle and your dear friend has become a source of gossip, than understand she is getting triple hurt and drained right now. The only thing she can focus on is the pain, she can not think clearly. In the trauma, she somehow recognizes this started with ex-boyfriend, and in a desperate fucked-up logic, her mind thinks the only relief she can hope is if the ex-boyfriend "loves" her again and makes it all better. I'm not sure if I explained the cycle well enough, but you know the situation better than me. If you step outside the situation, can you see the patterns I am trying to illuminate for you?
Some folks recommended she come and visit you - I nth that suggestion. Triple bonus points if you can convince your friend to join a different program/organization (whatever!) to get her working in another part of the world and far away from the toxic ex and the gossipy colleagues.
One more thing.
Her ex is not a nice guy, so stop saying or acting like he is! Ultimately, you'll need to impress this truth upon your friend if you expect her to get back to being that girl you admired so much. If you keep acting like this is ALL her fault, she will never be that person you admired, and you will only be guilty of compounding the damage this episode is causing her.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 10:51 AM on August 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
On the one hand, you sound pretty bright, so I am surprised you missed the obvious dynamics at play here. On the other hand, you sound like you want to help your friend...and judge the shit out of her... so maybe not so surprising that you missed the dynamics at play in your "friend's" situation!
The reason she went from being lovely and "in control" to super "annoying," as you termed it, is because she was dating an emotional vampire who undermined her self-esteem and sucked her dry emotionally. Of course she is shattered.
Further evidence for this is: 1. How charming you found the ex-boyfriend to be (those vampire-types usually are,) 2. The caddish way the ex-boyfriend hooked-up with new hot girlfriend in front of sucked-dry old girlfriend (old gf's misery fuels his new relationship on some level, guaranteed...) 3. And the fact that your "friend" is still COMPLETELY HOOKED on this awful awful emotional-vampire-guy, see #1.
BTW, I'll take the air-quotes (" ") away from the word FRIEND, when you start referring to R. with respect and show some understanding. She's learning one of the most difficult life lessons possible. Got it? Cool.
Look. I know this whole thing sucks for you, and you want to help, but you are so very frustrated. I get that. If ex-boyfriend is in the same social circle and your dear friend has become a source of gossip, than understand she is getting triple hurt and drained right now. The only thing she can focus on is the pain, she can not think clearly. In the trauma, she somehow recognizes this started with ex-boyfriend, and in a desperate fucked-up logic, her mind thinks the only relief she can hope is if the ex-boyfriend "loves" her again and makes it all better. I'm not sure if I explained the cycle well enough, but you know the situation better than me. If you step outside the situation, can you see the patterns I am trying to illuminate for you?
Some folks recommended she come and visit you - I nth that suggestion. Triple bonus points if you can convince your friend to join a different program/organization (whatever!) to get her working in another part of the world and far away from the toxic ex and the gossipy colleagues.
One more thing.
Her ex is not a nice guy, so stop saying or acting like he is! Ultimately, you'll need to impress this truth upon your friend if you expect her to get back to being that girl you admired so much. If you keep acting like this is ALL her fault, she will never be that person you admired, and you will only be guilty of compounding the damage this episode is causing her.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 10:51 AM on August 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
Your friend is going through a horrible time now and needs someone to listen to her. It's not your job to fix her, but one of the best things friends can do is listen. Don't try to solve her problems, just listen and validate her feelings.
It sounds like you are blaming her for the break up. However, you don't know what went on when you weren't around. Some people are very good at being manipulative and making their partners look like the "bad guys."
Maybe she started feeling insecure because she started noticing little things that made her realize on a gut level that he wasn't what he seemed to be. Maybe she could sense he was getting ready to leave the relationship.
She dated this guy for two years. It will most likely take her more than 8 months to recover. If you want to help her, I think the best thing for you to do is to just listen and try to be less judgmental.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:25 PM on August 13, 2009
It sounds like you are blaming her for the break up. However, you don't know what went on when you weren't around. Some people are very good at being manipulative and making their partners look like the "bad guys."
Maybe she started feeling insecure because she started noticing little things that made her realize on a gut level that he wasn't what he seemed to be. Maybe she could sense he was getting ready to leave the relationship.
She dated this guy for two years. It will most likely take her more than 8 months to recover. If you want to help her, I think the best thing for you to do is to just listen and try to be less judgmental.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:25 PM on August 13, 2009
Response by poster: Dear anonymous,
I know it is the cool thing to do on MF to be a contestatario. However, I'll reply to your post, although the fact that you are anonymous makes me think you won't check back.
She is my friend, and for advocating my not being judgmental, you are judging me a bit too much.
I do think that being the wonderful person she is, she became emotionally draining, clingy, and paranoid (I'm talking about freaking out when he went to the toilet because she thought he was making out with someone else...and crying about it and telling everyone in the room, which was completely unlike her former self, or thinking she was pregnant at least twice a month, and telling every freaking one about it). Besides, the fact that I have lived in this situation for 2 years and 8 months may give you a clue that I am a true friend, want to help her, and have been very, very patient.
I however agree entirely with you that he is an emotional vampire, and believe me when I tell you that I have told her in every tone possible what my opinion is about him. But my problem is not his attitude, since I honestly don't really care about him. My problem is her weakness and her shrinking. I do not care about him and his flirting, I care about her.
I appreciate your help, but think you are actually being disrespectful towards me. Granted, you say yourself that you do not know the whole situation, then why would you treat my affirmation that she is my friend with sarcasm? What is it that makes you think you can judge my feelings towards this person and reach a conclusion as to whether she is my friend or not? What phrase exactly makes you think I do not respect her? Or consider her my friend? Should I give you the list of all the friendly things I did? Like spending my whole bachelorette party crying with her because she was so miserable and I couldn't help her? I can give you many more of those. So please do think before YOU pass judgment.
posted by Tarumba at 12:39 PM on August 13, 2009
I know it is the cool thing to do on MF to be a contestatario. However, I'll reply to your post, although the fact that you are anonymous makes me think you won't check back.
She is my friend, and for advocating my not being judgmental, you are judging me a bit too much.
I do think that being the wonderful person she is, she became emotionally draining, clingy, and paranoid (I'm talking about freaking out when he went to the toilet because she thought he was making out with someone else...and crying about it and telling everyone in the room, which was completely unlike her former self, or thinking she was pregnant at least twice a month, and telling every freaking one about it). Besides, the fact that I have lived in this situation for 2 years and 8 months may give you a clue that I am a true friend, want to help her, and have been very, very patient.
I however agree entirely with you that he is an emotional vampire, and believe me when I tell you that I have told her in every tone possible what my opinion is about him. But my problem is not his attitude, since I honestly don't really care about him. My problem is her weakness and her shrinking. I do not care about him and his flirting, I care about her.
I appreciate your help, but think you are actually being disrespectful towards me. Granted, you say yourself that you do not know the whole situation, then why would you treat my affirmation that she is my friend with sarcasm? What is it that makes you think you can judge my feelings towards this person and reach a conclusion as to whether she is my friend or not? What phrase exactly makes you think I do not respect her? Or consider her my friend? Should I give you the list of all the friendly things I did? Like spending my whole bachelorette party crying with her because she was so miserable and I couldn't help her? I can give you many more of those. So please do think before YOU pass judgment.
posted by Tarumba at 12:39 PM on August 13, 2009
Response by poster: And to everyone please, I think the guy is a monumental prat, so no, I do not admire him, or remotely like him. He behaved terribly towards her, and I hate it that she still is polite and nice to him and falls into his trap when he gives her a dazzling smile and melts her into a puddle of tears. To tell you the truth, I despise the guy, but as I said before, HE is not of my concern. At all.
I honestly want to see her happy again. That's all I want.
posted by Tarumba at 12:45 PM on August 13, 2009
I honestly want to see her happy again. That's all I want.
posted by Tarumba at 12:45 PM on August 13, 2009
I'm going to go the opposite direction from everyone who thinks you should invite her to stay with you. You have just got married and moved to a new country. You really have better things to put your time and energy into. And, while I agree that the boyfriend doesn't sound like quite the prince he may appear to be - and may be an emotional vampire, your friend is acting like one too.
My recommendation is to cool things off with the friend. Tell her that you care tons about her, but you obviously can't help her with her problems and you have things of your own that you need to attend to. The simple fact that you have spent the time and energy to write this post tells me that you are already enmeshed in her situation, and that's not healthy for either one of you.
If she calls - take the initiative and tell her what you've been up to - allow her to talk about anything that isn't exboyfriend related, and get the hell off the phone if she brings him up.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:54 PM on August 13, 2009
My recommendation is to cool things off with the friend. Tell her that you care tons about her, but you obviously can't help her with her problems and you have things of your own that you need to attend to. The simple fact that you have spent the time and energy to write this post tells me that you are already enmeshed in her situation, and that's not healthy for either one of you.
If she calls - take the initiative and tell her what you've been up to - allow her to talk about anything that isn't exboyfriend related, and get the hell off the phone if she brings him up.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:54 PM on August 13, 2009
Tarumba -- has SHE expressed the desire to get over him? even in the fits of tears, "why can't i just let go?" kind of desire? or does she solely focus on getting him back?
if she remains solely focused on getting him back, i'm not sure there is much you can do, save encourage her to change focus.
if she DOES want to let go, then it's time to be much more firm with her. you said yourself you are fully capable of being the one to say "no" -- well, you may have to turn that on her. no more commiserating, no more enabling, just "X, if you want to let go, this is what you do. Until you do these things, you will not let go."
And, i'd consider putting an end to these convos. right now, you are just enabling her behavior, by letting her continue to complain to you (the same thing she did to her asshole ex, it sounds like). she gets a certain amount of time to talk to you about the problem and what she's doing to be proactive about it, and then the conversation moves to something else. you do not spend the whole time talking about the breakup and the loss and everything else.
i hope that makes sense. good luck.
posted by unlucky.lisp at 1:17 PM on August 13, 2009
if she remains solely focused on getting him back, i'm not sure there is much you can do, save encourage her to change focus.
if she DOES want to let go, then it's time to be much more firm with her. you said yourself you are fully capable of being the one to say "no" -- well, you may have to turn that on her. no more commiserating, no more enabling, just "X, if you want to let go, this is what you do. Until you do these things, you will not let go."
And, i'd consider putting an end to these convos. right now, you are just enabling her behavior, by letting her continue to complain to you (the same thing she did to her asshole ex, it sounds like). she gets a certain amount of time to talk to you about the problem and what she's doing to be proactive about it, and then the conversation moves to something else. you do not spend the whole time talking about the breakup and the loss and everything else.
i hope that makes sense. good luck.
posted by unlucky.lisp at 1:17 PM on August 13, 2009
Tarumba. I did check back.
You hold hefty resentments toward R. It came through in your original post, and it came through in your response to what I wrote. Further explaining in your reply to me about all the happy occasions she ruined for you.... well, that shows the roots of your resentment without convincing us you have respect for this woman.
Also, you say really nice things about that guy in your ask. You downplay the way he hooked up with new hot girlfriend, a person you strongly imply deserves the ex more than your now "shrinking" insecure friend. We can only know what you wrote.
Too bad you missed the part of my answer where I pointed out that your friend is probably in so much distress (via boyfriend head-games, peer gossip, etc.), that she can NOT think clearly. She probably thinks (deep down) that if she can win the boyfriend back, the pain and torture will stop. That is a pretty fucked up loop she is playing in her head. i was thinking that if you could deconstruct that loop for her in the terms she is experiencing it, she might be FINALLY be able to hear you. At least, that was my hope when I wrote.
Sure, she is ultimately responsible for her choices and actions. But you wrote the hive asking for insight and advice. We gave it. End of story.
Be honest, you wrote to ask for advice, but also to complain about what you've been experiencing. Fair enough! Just understand that your dual motive comes through. You don't write nice things about your friend in your ask, and your reply continued in that vein.
That said. I don't think you should feel guilty for the way you feel - No!
But if you are going to help her, help her. If you are going to show her the same attitude the emotional vampire guy slimed her with for 2 years before dumping her, then you're probably not going to be very successful helping her. You may actually be making things worse....
....And this was my point to you:)
posted by jbenben at 2:13 PM on August 13, 2009
You hold hefty resentments toward R. It came through in your original post, and it came through in your response to what I wrote. Further explaining in your reply to me about all the happy occasions she ruined for you.... well, that shows the roots of your resentment without convincing us you have respect for this woman.
Also, you say really nice things about that guy in your ask. You downplay the way he hooked up with new hot girlfriend, a person you strongly imply deserves the ex more than your now "shrinking" insecure friend. We can only know what you wrote.
Too bad you missed the part of my answer where I pointed out that your friend is probably in so much distress (via boyfriend head-games, peer gossip, etc.), that she can NOT think clearly. She probably thinks (deep down) that if she can win the boyfriend back, the pain and torture will stop. That is a pretty fucked up loop she is playing in her head. i was thinking that if you could deconstruct that loop for her in the terms she is experiencing it, she might be FINALLY be able to hear you. At least, that was my hope when I wrote.
Sure, she is ultimately responsible for her choices and actions. But you wrote the hive asking for insight and advice. We gave it. End of story.
Be honest, you wrote to ask for advice, but also to complain about what you've been experiencing. Fair enough! Just understand that your dual motive comes through. You don't write nice things about your friend in your ask, and your reply continued in that vein.
That said. I don't think you should feel guilty for the way you feel - No!
But if you are going to help her, help her. If you are going to show her the same attitude the emotional vampire guy slimed her with for 2 years before dumping her, then you're probably not going to be very successful helping her. You may actually be making things worse....
....And this was my point to you:)
posted by jbenben at 2:13 PM on August 13, 2009
It's weird how bad relationships can turn a healthy, happy person into a crying wreck of a shell, isn't it? It sounds like you've been an awesome and patient friend for a really, really long time and it's totally understandable that you'd want some kind of resolution.
My advice is to encourage her to move away, as far as she can, to get him out of her life. As others have said, there's just no way she can move on, seeing him often--particularly if he's still dating the intern--and constantly reminded of him. She can only do this if she really wants to, though. Otherwise, she'll just pine.
In that case, you may have to separate yourself emotionally for a while. I hate to advocate this, because it seems so cold, but if she's drawing out the process longer than is emotionally healthy for anyone, she might be using you to prolong the connection to him (since it seems you still know what he's up to on a regular basis).
posted by timoni at 5:43 PM on August 13, 2009
My advice is to encourage her to move away, as far as she can, to get him out of her life. As others have said, there's just no way she can move on, seeing him often--particularly if he's still dating the intern--and constantly reminded of him. She can only do this if she really wants to, though. Otherwise, she'll just pine.
In that case, you may have to separate yourself emotionally for a while. I hate to advocate this, because it seems so cold, but if she's drawing out the process longer than is emotionally healthy for anyone, she might be using you to prolong the connection to him (since it seems you still know what he's up to on a regular basis).
posted by timoni at 5:43 PM on August 13, 2009
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posted by gadha at 5:09 AM on August 13, 2009 [1 favorite]