If you are married, is it mandatory to say so on your Facebook profile?
August 9, 2009 8:33 PM   Subscribe

If you are married, is it mandatory to say so on your Facebook profile?

I have a Facebook account and I have my "relationship status" turned off. In fact, most of my "Info" on Facebook is disabled. I also do not have my account searchable online. My wife is upset and thinks that I am embarrassed by her because she we are not "linked" on Facebook.

Am I in the wrong because I have not "linked" our two accounts?

She is also upset because I have not initiated any conversation with her through Facebook, and I did not reply to a post she made that mentioned me.

Is my wife getting overly jealous about this? We have already had several arguments about it lasting several hours total. Her argument is that all of her friends who are married are "linked" so I should "link" her too.

I'm not exactly sure how the process works but AFAIK she has not "linked" me, either. Is she doing this just to test me?
posted by farmersckn to Human Relations (59 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
The problem here isn't facebook. Facebook is a symptom, it brings to light other problems.
posted by titanium_geek at 8:36 PM on August 9, 2009 [12 favorites]

If you are married, is it mandatory to say so on your Facebook profile? No. Facebook is not the law.

Tell you what, though, whatever Metafilter decides is not going to make your wife like you any better.
posted by b33j at 8:37 PM on August 9, 2009 [37 favorites]

Oh geez. Disable your account. Sounds like you're opening a big can of worms here. I like Facebook but have seen many a friend get in ridiculous fights with SOs because of it.
posted by emd3737 at 8:37 PM on August 9, 2009

My wife is on Mixi, she won't friend me, and she won't even let me see her Mixi account. Think about how *I* feel.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:38 PM on August 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think within the current culture of facebook that linking profiles is the expected option. That is, to NOT do it might be considered odd. Many people also browse profiles with an eye to romantic partners. Indicating your unavailability could be considered polite. Like, when you go out, and someone asks, "how do you know each other?" People use that information to make more informed social choices.

Your choice to make an issue out of this confuses me. Do you have a good reason for not wanting to link your profiles? A reason that is more important than making your wife happy?
posted by dualityofmind at 8:38 PM on August 9, 2009 [12 favorites]

It's not mandatory but it's polite.
posted by octothorpe at 8:38 PM on August 9, 2009 [5 favorites]

Facebook isn't something worth arguing over. Regardless of who is wrong and who is right, just link her to stop the bickering. Since your profile is friends only anyway no one you wouldn't want to see it will be able to.

If you prefer not to use facebook, just link her anyway but tell her corresponding on facebook isn't your thing. I don't know your wife, but it's facebook - doesn't seem like a big deal to me. My SO never responds to my facebook posts and has the same no info thing going on (the only reason I'm linked on there is because I logged in and linked myself.) It's not a big deal.

(Unless you're responding to everyone except her or something, but I'm guessing this is not the case.)
posted by biochemist at 8:39 PM on August 9, 2009

It seems the issue here is: showing your marital status on facebook is something that is apparently important to your wife. Which is more important to you: not having your marital status showing, or not upsetting your wife about this issue? Is it important to you, or is it just something you feel a tiny bit weird about? If it IS important to you, why? Have you explained these reasons to her? If it's not important to you, why won't you do this small thing for your wife?

fwiw, I won't post my relationship status either. This IS important to me, and when I've explained why to boyfriends in the past (it's an issue about various people in my life), they've understood and been ok with it. Also, she can't be linked to you without you being linked to her too, that's just how it works.
posted by brainmouse at 8:39 PM on August 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

I think this is strange behaviour from your wife, and a lame thing to fight over. You live with her - why would you need to correspond with her via Facebook? Odd. As long as you're not trolling around trying to hook up with girls you fancied in high school, then I'm not sure what the problem is. Leaving certain status items blank says nothiong more than you don't want everyone you know on Facebook to know all of your business, particularly when these contacts can be as various as close friends and acquaintances.
posted by lottie at 8:40 PM on August 9, 2009

Seriously - this is silly. I'm linked to my wife, but only because we're both on facebook and use it rather regularly. If you don't, then no big deal. In fact, if you do, there's no big deal.

I have no clue why she's doing this. It could just be one of those thousands of insecurities that many people have running through their heads. Or this could be something that's important to her. On facebook, one person needs to request the link, the other has to approve it. So she could do it as well - it's not all on your shoulders.

Seriously, if you're having hour long fights about this, maybe it's best that you both put Facebook away for a while, or delete your accounts. If you can't handle this, you should focus on other parts of your relationship.
posted by SNWidget at 8:40 PM on August 9, 2009

What do you have to gain by not linking to her? Why is it worth even a minute of arguing?
posted by drjimmy11 at 8:44 PM on August 9, 2009 [7 favorites]

This is basically what "it's complicated" was made for.
posted by hermitosis at 8:45 PM on August 9, 2009 [5 favorites]

So far as I know, there is nothing mandatory about anything you do or do not stick in Facebook profile, so long as you are not trying to impersonate anyone else for fraudulent purposes.

That said, why wouldn't you link to your wife when she clearly wants you to? Is there a particular reason you wouldn't want to disclose your marital status? Putting it on Facebook doesn't make you any more or less married, but refusing to do it and arguing with her about it for hours is ridiculous. It shouldn't be a big deal.
posted by Diagonalize at 8:45 PM on August 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

When you go to a party, do you identify your wife to those around you? If so, why refuse to do so on Facebook?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:47 PM on August 9, 2009 [7 favorites]

Transfer the question to the real world: do you think your wife would be justified in her anger if you took your wedding ring off before meeting people? Or if you were at a party and did not introduce her to friends? Would she be reasonable in being upset if at that same party you did not speak to her all night?

If the answer is "yes", you should link her on Facebook as your betrothed. Letting her know in words afterwards, face to face, that you are proud of her, and love her, probably wouldn't hurt either.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 8:48 PM on August 9, 2009 [10 favorites]

Seriously: this is YOUR WIFE. I can appreciate that you have "most" of the other info on Facebook turned off, but, as Emerson wrote, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Either care about and accommodate the picayune wishes of your spouse in a spirit of connubial harmony, or hope your next wife is not on Facebook.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 8:48 PM on August 9, 2009 [12 favorites]

No, it's not mandatory.

If your wife wants to put her relationship status on her profile, she can have it say "Married," but unless she adds your name to the box next to it and you then approve the request, it won't say "Married to farmersckn."

What I love about Facebook is that unlike so many other websites, your relationship status is something that you don't have to complete unless you choose to. Personally, I've never posted my relationship status in the five years that I've been on the site. Even after my girlfriend finally joined Facebook a couple of months ago, I didn't see any reason to modify that part of my profile. Sure, we poke each other every once in a while, and if I see something interesting on her page, I might comment on it, but I don't get upset with her if she neglects to write back on my wall or throw a sheep back at me (check out the SuperPoke application if you have no idea what I'm talking about here).

Ultimately, it's your profile, so it's your call to decide what to do about the situation. But remember that it's just a Facebook page. In the long run, would it be easier for you to "marry" her on there or to keep arguing about why you haven't done it yet?
posted by sabira at 8:51 PM on August 9, 2009

Having your marriage status on facebook is a lot like wearing your wedding ring. It's a public display of your commitment and fidelity to your wife. In some relationships, the guy doesn't wear a ring and everyone is cool with that. Other women would be seriously hurt and freak out.

So really, what the norm is doesn't matter. What matters is how it makes her feel, and why she would feel that way. There are deeper issues here if something as trivial as a facebook status is causing this level of discord in your relationship.
posted by chrisamiller at 8:52 PM on August 9, 2009 [19 favorites]

My opinion, for what it's worth is that if you use facebook regularly and don't link your wife or respond to her, I could see where she is coming from. If you rarely use facebook and just have it out there like some sort of yellow pages ad, who cares?

That said, the common phrase for this is "Is this the hill you want to die on?" Marriage is, to some extent, about compromise and this is definitely [judging from the responses you've already gotten] something where there is no clear etiquette. If I were you, I'd link her. That said the guy I've been dating for quite a while doesn't link me and I don't link him [we both have no relationship status set, we're not set to "single"] and that's fine for both of us. So, it depends on the person, really.
posted by jessamyn at 8:52 PM on August 9, 2009

Tell you what, though, whatever Metafilter decides is not going to make your wife like you any better.

This. Although I suspect from your wife's point of view it looks a bit dodgy that you're on a social networking site and haven't noted you're married - she may well be viewing it in the same light as you going out drinking with mates and leaving your wedding ring at home, you know?
posted by rodgerd at 9:04 PM on August 9, 2009

Maybe you don't want people scoping out your wife. That's reasonable, n'est pas?

Of course, if you haven't friended your wife or refuse to chat with her via FB, then it kind of defeats the purpose of using it.
posted by furtive at 9:05 PM on August 9, 2009

I'm not exactly sure how the process works but AFAIK she has not "linked" me, either. Is she doing this just to test me?

How the hell would we know?

Why don't you just link her and be done with it. This attitude you are taking seems really immature and, I suspect, reflects problems with your relationship that are deeper than Facebook.
posted by jayder at 9:07 PM on August 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

In the time you posted this question to Metafilter, you could have linked to her damn profile and been done with it and could now be in the middle of some mad makeup sex.

Look, it's Facebook, it has half the damn planet on it. Being a married guy and on the thing and linked to my wife and having commented on a post she made today, I can't imagine why I wouldn't link to her. Fuck it, I took public vows, signed contracts together and swapped body fluids, I can take half a second and push the damn button on the site that says "Oh yeah, this is who I'm married to."

Pro tip: If a woman starts hitting on your, mention your wife, it'll save a lot of grief all around.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:20 PM on August 9, 2009 [13 favorites]

Speaking for myself only, I prefer to keep my relationship status hidden because, first, it isn't really anybody else's business, second, if it is their business they probably know my status already through other channels, and third, if they're in any way interested in that kind of sense, I'd prefer for them to find out the old-fashioned way, instead of having all the answers at their fingertips - where's the romance in that?

Having said that, "several arguments over several hours" is just over the top. Even if I prefer to maintain a level of privacy around these kinds of things, it's simply not worth the amount of grief that you've brought upon yourself. Just add her, already.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:35 PM on August 9, 2009

You're married, yet you sound like some dude who doesn't want his needy girlfriend to get ahead of herself and think y'all are committed to each other. Really, now. Actively refusing to list her as your wife on your profile is pretty rude -- so just what are your motivations for doing so? Do you see it as giving in to the Web 2.0 Man? Do you view it as acquiescing to your wife's nagging?

As for not writing on her wall or responding to her notes or whatever, well, if it's not your thing (which for some people it isn't) you ought to be able to tell her as much and she ought to be able to leave it at that. But merely listing a significant other on your profile takes so little commitment and effort that "it's not my kinda thing" doesn't really excuse you here..
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 9:39 PM on August 9, 2009

Just friend her.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:41 PM on August 9, 2009

Is it a little ridiculous that she wants you to link her? Yes.

Is it equally ridiculous that you didn't immediately do it when it was obvious it bothered her? Yes.

Is it even more ridiculous that rather than just make peace over a small detail like linking your wife on facebook, you decided to take it to askme so that you could get random people on the internet to back you up in a silly argument with your wife? A million times yes.
posted by whoaali at 9:42 PM on August 9, 2009 [29 favorites]

She wants you to demonstrate the fact that you're a loving and attentive husband in a public forum- having snagged an awesome, faithful mate is a major source of status among humans. Here's how to be the stereotypical perfect mate on Facebook. I'm not saying *you* should do this, but if you *do* choose to do all these things, your wife will feel awesome. Basically you publicly perform parts of your relationship, to demonstrate to others that you're hitched and proud of it, and her. It's a little weird and showy, but that's just normal human behaviour, no different than wanting your wife to hold your hand on the beach instead of strutting around in a bikini acting like a single lady. So here's how to perform "attentive loving hubs":

1. Definitely link to her as married (including her actual name, not just "married" but "married to [her name]".

2. Occasionally put a photo of the two of you as your profile pic.

3. Dedicate your status to her on special occasions, or even just because. "Phil thinks his wife is the coolest lady in Lincolnwood." "Can't believe it's been two years; happy anniversary to my beautiful partner Laura!" "Phil is happy he married a woman who makes him laugh his ass off." "Phil loves Laura and her zucchini muffins." etc.

4. Occasionally write a cute comment on her wall, like "Can't wait to see you", for instance, when you're away, or reference the occasional cryptic inside joke on her wall. Write "Roomba", or something inside-jokey like that that all her friends will ask her about and she can tell them a cute story.

5. You should be the one to tag her in photos of the two of you- don't leave it for her to do all the time. Occasionally caption those photos with compliments, like "Superhero Laura demonstrates her shoveling powers". "God my wife is a babe." etc.

6. If you write a note or something, tag her FIRST.

Basically the perfect FB partner will try to link himself to her as though he's really proud of her; elevate her status with compliments and attention, and make it absolutely impossible for any other woman to miss the fact that you're happily married and deeply in love.

Again, I'm not saying you "should" do all this stuff... I sure don't on my profile... but if you do, she'll have pretty much nothing to complain about your FB conduct.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:43 PM on August 9, 2009 [6 favorites]

Yes, I am married, happily, and have been for 35 years. No, I don't have that information in my fb profile, nor do I have a lot of the other things enabled that you can display about yourself. My husband is fine with that. If he cared to have an fb profile, I'm sure we'd be linked. As jessamyn says, this is not the hill I'd choose to die on. Nor should you.
posted by Lynsey at 9:44 PM on August 9, 2009

This is basically what "it's complicated" was made for.

Ack, no! If you put "it's complicated" as your status, your wife is just going to freak out MORE. This status essentially indicates things like polyamory or on-again-off-again relationships.
posted by asciident at 9:54 PM on August 9, 2009 [9 favorites]

Anecdotally, some years ago when signing up for facebook, my, uh, friend did not include her relationship status on her profile. This did not prove to be a problem, but it was most certainly a symptom. Two months later she moved out, and when the divorce was final she gleefully changed her status to single. Yeah, your wife's being silly, but it's a small thing. Why are you fighting this fight?
posted by little e at 10:21 PM on August 9, 2009

It's not mandatory, but what's your motivation to make the change since you know she cares about it?

Note: this is NOT what "it's complicated" is for! It's not complicated: you're married.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:08 PM on August 9, 2009

She is also upset because I have not initiated any conversation with her through Facebook, and I did not reply to a post she made that mentioned me.

This seems to indicate that the issue is not just that you haven't linked accounts, but that you are not participating in facebook with her to the extent she would like. It seems like that is the conversation you should be having.
posted by anazgnos at 11:15 PM on August 9, 2009

I can imagine one very good reason why he doesn't add her : He might wish to use facebook professionally while she uses it non-professionally. If so, I suggest you make a non-professional facebook account, and identify her as your wife on that account.
posted by jeffburdges at 11:25 PM on August 9, 2009

If you have a problem with saying that you're married on Facebook, best to delete your account before this becomes a big problem.

Or, take the initiative to change your relationship status to "married"; as you do this, Facebook will give you the option to select your wife. She has to approve it, but will hopefully be pleasantly surprised that you took action.

Showing that you're married on facebook tells other women that you're taken. And from what you've described, it sounds like your wife is pretty intent on people knowing.
posted by mtphoto at 11:55 PM on August 9, 2009

If you are married, is it mandatory to say so on your Facebook profile?

It fucking well is in my house.

And, honestly, it would be hard to find two people less hung up on marriage, jealousy or even fidelity for that matter. But if my husband effectively denied my existence by opting not to include me in his FB profile, I'd be furious.

In contrast, during the period in which his profile said both "married" and "interested in women" I found that hilarious and didn't say a word.

FB is a social platform. Your wife wants people to know you're a couple and for you to occasionally interact as such before friends and family in a social venue. Why is this such a big issue for you?

Use LinkedIn for professional networking.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:39 AM on August 10, 2009 [6 favorites]

Well, it's mandatory as far as your wife is concerned, so why wouldn't you just do it? Doesn't she humor you in some ways? Getting past this kind of crap quickly makes relationships a lot easier.

As for this: Is she doing this just to test me?

Why don't you know whether or not she's doing it to test you? Is it because you don't understand her well or because you're not communicating or what? To me, that's the more complicated part of the question.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:42 AM on August 10, 2009

his profile said both "married" and "interested in women"

Not recommended. :)

Facebook is going to be the end of the Internet. And marriage. Thanks, CIA guys!

What is your FaceBook account for, anyway? What happens to your life if you delete it? I don't just mean this in a "that'll show her!" way, I mean... would it stop these problems and stress in future, too?

Say it with me: "I don't use FaceBook."

It's liberating.
posted by rokusan at 1:59 AM on August 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Is she doing this just to test me?

It's my observation that people in healthy relationships don't "test" each other.
posted by gaspode at 6:22 AM on August 10, 2009

I'm not linked to my SO on Facebook, but then neither of us use it much, and the only information most people can see about me is my Networks. I agree that there's probably a much bigger issue at stake here, but if you don't use it all that much, just disable the account. If you change your mind in the future or you two come to an agreement, you can always reactivate it.

I don't really understand your aversion to linking her. You know it's possible for you to link with her, and then have ONLY HER see this profile information, right? You still don't give anyone any info on your profile that you wouldn't want to give, but your wife gets to show off the fact that she's, y'know, married.
posted by Phire at 6:33 AM on August 10, 2009

This is basically what "it's complicated" was made for.
I think this was a joke.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:34 AM on August 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Facebook is a form of PDA. Just like with real-life PDA, couples need to come to an agreement on their expectations and comfort levels.
posted by whycurious at 7:05 AM on August 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

WHat's the big deal here? Link the lady, already. You married her, right? I'd be offended if my wife didn't "link" me. I'm proud to be married to her, I'd expect her to reciprocate. WHat are you proving, exactly, by not linking her?
posted by GilloD at 7:10 AM on August 10, 2009

God, thank goodness for jeffburdges.

Note to Mefites who think the poster is being ridiculous: maybe not everyone uses Facebook in exactly the same way that you do. If you use Facebook partly professionally, you may well decide it's none of your Facebook "friends"'s fucking business whether you're married or not. Or what your political views are. Or when your birthday is.

Someone said upthread that the OP's behavior is equivalent to removing his wedding ring before going to a party. But what if it's equivalent to deciding be known professionally as Ms instead of Miss or Mrs?
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 7:18 AM on August 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Facebook is not for professional networking. Unless you're a clown or magician.
posted by applemeat at 7:27 AM on August 10, 2009 [8 favorites]

I think the issue here is what does your wife think you're saying about your relationship by not linking to her? Things she might be thinking include:

* he doesn't want people to know we're married because he's ashamed of me
* he doesn't want people to know we're married because he's thinking about leaving
* he doesn't want people to know we're married because he likes being seen as single

yada, yada, yada

I think you'll end up with a more productive discussion if you get to the root of what message she thinks you're conveying by not acknowledging that you're married.
posted by MsMolly at 7:29 AM on August 10, 2009

One of the most illuminating conversations of my life happened after I continued to use a pet phrase that a friend indicated she didn't like being applied to her. When she reiterated that it bothered her I said "I don't understand, given [x y and z blah blah blah], why this bothers you at all."

She said "I don't understand why it's not enough that it just does."

If you have some professional reason (sadly, yes, they do exist on Facebook) or personal aversion for not sharing this stuff then set the privacy (on the settings menu in the upper right choose privacy, then profile) levels so that nobody can see your shit except for a group containing your wife and close friends.

Then either get some training on better communicating (because you haven't given us here any idea that this is based on some deeply-held personal belief or professional constraint and obviously couldn't communicate it to your wife either) or some counseling. Even aside from the question of "why would you make your wife feel like shit over this" there's the question of "why would you put yourself through this conflict over this?"
posted by phearlez at 8:05 AM on August 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

I know very few spouses who are linked to each other on Facebook. Usually one uses FB and the other doesn't, but even when both do, they don't generally friend each other. I see no problem with that, if the spouses are both OK with it (which yours isn't) and no problem with not broadcasting your relationship status or other personal info.

The problem isn't what you're doing on FB. It's that there is discord in your marriage. You and your wife have different expectations, standards, etc. It may be a trust issue, with your wife not trusting you to play unsupervised, or it may just be a matter of you varying from what she thinks is 'the norm' in FB world. Talking about this may bring up other similar places of tension in your relationship.
posted by mmw at 8:15 AM on August 10, 2009

You cannot set basic, personal, etc. info. as "Only Me", phearlez. So you must either manage your friends into limited profile lists or create another account if you feel like you want to restrict this information.

I can imagine many legit & quasi-legit reasons for not indicating married status : work usage, jealous ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends, annoying or flirtatious friends of hers or his, racist family or boss, etc. It may also be personal space issues here too, which might be either's fault. I doubt you'd just let your s.o. friend all your ex's, no?

I've a friend who has a second identically named facebook account just so she can say she's married to herself. So she could show off her married status using his second facebook account, which had no other friends, but his account wouldn't reveal any information.
posted by jeffburdges at 10:17 AM on August 10, 2009

Nthing the separate social and professional profiles if that's how you're using FB.

Another question that comes to mind is whether your FB circles are primarily meatspace or online. Mine are primarily originally meatspace although after moves, I see them mostly online. They know I'm married to Mr. immlass, yes, but that means there are no privacy implications to linking our profiles.

Mr immlass has a lot of "friends" he plays FB games with and otherwise doesn't know from Adam. I have no idea what his privacy restrictions are for them, and I don't much care for myself. If I cared what I was putting online, I wouldn't put it online. But if you don't want strangers to have access to your wife's profile and this is your concern, you need to put it that way to your wife, because otherwise it looks a lot like you're hanging out in a singles bar with your wedding ring tucked away. You might not convince her that you shouldn't link up ("what are you doing hanging out with people you don't want me to hang out with?") but it sounds a lot less like "I'm ashamed of my wife and my marriage" and more "I want to protect my wife from people I'm not sure about".
posted by immlass at 11:10 AM on August 10, 2009

First, if you are using facebook for professional reasons, a) no don't that's nuts (IMPO), and b) would you not introduce your wife as your wife at a work function or convention? Of course you would. SHE IS YOUR WIFE! You shouldn't be ashamed of her. Even if she's poking her friends and whatnot, everyone else on facebook, including your colleagues is doing it too. No one is going to turn you down for a job because you're married to someone who plays Games in their spare time on a computer.

As to the suggestion that strangers you know could see her, she is already on facebook, and in control of her own privacy settings. Trying to protect her from the internet is useless and degrading. Anyone who knows her name could find her, so really, what is the point. And if her profile is open and yours isn't, even if strangers were to click your name, your privacy settings activate and show none of your protected information, so it's not like linking her opens a gateway.

My SO never uses his facebook, but we're linked, because he wanted to world to know we are together. That's a very nice thing. Maybe your wife is too jealous and thinks you're trolling for tail. Maybe she feels unloved because you won't acknowledge one simple thing she wants you to do. Maybe a bunch of single guys keep sending her messages, and she would like them to know that you're married to her and she's not interested. Ask her why or don't, but you should link to her. It's nice to consider your wife's feelings regarding the trivial matters of the internet.
posted by itsonreserve at 11:55 AM on August 10, 2009

Have you given your wife any reason to believe that you actually are embarrassed by her? Because if you really are arguing for hours over this, I suspect this may not be the only area in which she's feeling marginalized.

I'd be all kinds of butt hurt if my guy didn't link me on facebook, but we're both hard core internet nerds like that. But if he gave me a really good reason why, I'd live with it - because I know how much he values our relationship.

Make sure your wife knows too.
posted by Space Kitty at 12:20 PM on August 10, 2009

1. If it makes your wife happy, just announce to everyone that you're married to her.

2. You are under no obligation to respond to anything she says on Facebook. If she asks why you didn't respond, tell her: "I LIVE with you! Why can't I just tell you in person?!? Do I really have to use the internet to talk to you?"

I kind of see that as splitting the difference. :)
posted by Citrus at 12:40 PM on August 10, 2009

People overthink facebook way too much. Its a website.

I only log in to my facebook about once a month, tops. I don't even know if my boyfriend (whom i live with) and I are friends or not because i really just dont care or put that much thought into facebooking.

Now if i was a regular user, yea id link and friend him or whatever.
And i would expect him to do the same, if he were a regular user. But neither of us are really into vanity projects like facebook.

Your wife is obviously into facebook. To quell the arguing, just log in and link her.

If you are a regular user of facebook, you should be asking yourself why you have been so adament in not linking her....
posted by WeekendJen at 1:29 PM on August 10, 2009

Just kill your facebook account if you don't want to use the site. Facebook etiquette is all kinds of stupid.
posted by chunking express at 10:01 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

I haven't seen anyone mention a very possible reason why your wife might feel threatened.

Facebook is not so much about meeting people than reconnecting with old friends. Like, say, high school flames. If your wife is a very heavy FB user, it's very likely your wife has been contacted by friends she knew in high school or college, and they've reminisced about old times. It's also very likely she's extrapolated that this is happening to you as well.

Which is to say, if there are women in your past who your wife dislikes or is jealous of, you're probably better off linking your wife.
posted by Ubiq at 10:40 AM on August 11, 2009

what's your motivation to make the change since you know she cares about it?

Woops... of course, I should have said "what's your motivation NOT to..."

posted by Jaltcoh at 5:11 PM on August 11, 2009


Excellent how-to-get-posted-to-stfumarrieds writeup!
posted by darkshade at 4:58 PM on August 17, 2009

I can't imagine a reason why you wouldn't want to link to your spouse's Facebook account, I really can't. Especially if your life partner has requested it. It's not mandatory, sure, but I think your marriage will suffer if you choose this anthill to die on. Happily married people don't tend to hide their spouse in any social environment -- they want to be seen as a married couple, and they interact with others as a married couple.

I'd say that the fact you're here looking for a justification that allows you to die on this particular anthill is very telling.
posted by 2xplor at 9:38 AM on December 16, 2009

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