Work vs. love, recession edition: How to deal with concurrent uncertainty with love and career choices in an abysmal economy?

August 5, 2009 11:58 AM

Work vs. love, recession edition: How to deal with concurrent uncertainty with love and career choices in an abysmal economy?

I finished graduate school with a degree in a supposedly recession-proof profession last January. Seven months later, I'm still unemployed due to a frozen Northeastern job market. My partner finishes graduate school next month and the underwhelming number of job opportunities in our respective cities has tipped us into an anxiety-laden frenzy.

We live 2 hours apart, as we have throughout our relationship. The distance has not been an issue, as we see each other at least twice a month. We're very much in love and have both vocalized our concern about the looming possibility of work-related separation. While we agree that we have to do what's necessary to gain work experience, neither of us wants to break up. My partner is someone with whom I'd like to have a committed, long-term relationship, though neither of us is ready for a formal commitment (i.e. engagement). We've discussed having to relocate individually, either to our hometowns (cities in different regions where we can live rent-free and get that year of experience) or to places where we are offered jobs, as neither of us can afford to live in our current cities much longer without steady income. We're looking for jobs in the same cities and regions, but haven't had any concrete conversations about moving together or its implications because we have another month to exhaust remaining avenues in our current cities.

Since I've been unemployed longer, my partner has encouraged me to worry about myself first, saying we'll figure us out as we go along. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I'm very anxious about what will happen over the next few months. My partner is very important to me, and the possibility of not seeing them is very upsetting. I feel like I should consider the multiple positive and/or negative outcomes of our current situation so I'm not blindsided.

Though I know each situation and relationship is different, I'm somewhat lost in how to process and proceed given the circumstances. I would really appreciate some objective input. For anyone who has been in a similar situation...
- How did you and your partner deal with the stress and uncertainty of choosing work over love, or vice versa?
- How did things work out for your and your partner?
- When did you have the serious "relationship talks", if at all?
- If you chose to maintain a long-distance relationship, how did you make it work?

Thank you so much for your help.

posted by LecheFresca to Human Relations (5 answers total)

Okay, calm down and take this one step at a time here. If you're both still looking in your current cities--keep looking. But if you truly can only live there for another month, you need to start putting in job applications elsewhere, now. In my experience it takes a lot longer than a month to be hired for a professional position. You could also consider getting a temporary job that doesn't pay much but will let you pay your bills while you continue looking for work in your chosen field.

If you're not at a point where you're even talking about living together, then you really should not be planning your careers around each other. In my opinion you'd be best to find the job you want where you want it. It's really unclear where you even want to live/work, or if your fields are incompatible. The way it works in most relationships is that if one partner finds a job somewhere, their SO then looks for jobs in that area, or vice-versa if the other partner finds a job first. If you do both happen to go to your hometowns and work, it really isn't the end of the world, so long as you make plans to keep it a temporary solution. Keep looking for work elsewhere and just make a plan to be together, if that is what you want. I was in a long distance relationship for over a year and it was hard but manageable with daily webchats and regular visits. Once we decided we wanted to be together for keeps, we decided that I would move (even though I had a better job) because, among other things, he had finally found a job where he was and it would be a lot easier for me to find a job there than it would be for him to find another one (and we were right--it took me almost three months whereas it took him much longer than that, and this really depends on your fields, experience, and location).

Basically you need to figure out where you want to go with this relationship. And then you need to talk about it. This sounds like a pretty immediate issue, you've been together for two years--there's really no reason not to discuss what you two will do, especially because it seems to be really stressing you out. If you're not ready to commit, don't do it--I've also been in another long distance relationship where we hadn't been together long but decided it wouldn't work if we were apart and prematurely moved in together. It was mostly a disaster and in retrospect we would not have done it that way if we'd developed the relationship more.
posted by Polychrome at 12:18 PM on August 5, 2009

My long-term boyfriend just moved to Philadelphia [we're both from Pittsburgh, and my job is keeping me here for the time being] in March in order to take a job after just over a year of underemployment. His part-time job was making him miserable, as was his lack of leads on a 'real' job, and, I'll be honest, it almost destroyed us. He was cranky and I couldn't do anything to fix that, which made me unhappy, which made him crankier, etc. It was a vicious cycle that we couldn't seem to get out of.

I'm not going to lie, the distance sucks. But you know what doesn't suck? He's happier now. He's not worried about finding a real job or cuts at his old, sucky job. And we've pretty much come to terms with the fact that, for right now, this is how it's going to have to be, but we both look forward to the time when we can both be in the same city on a more permanent basis.

We had the occasional serious talk when there was a possibility of his relocating to Denver, which pretty much amounted to decisions to visit as often as possible. After Denver, Philadelphia wasn't such a bad possibility. Once he got the job offer in March, we were both kind of a wreck, and I think that's when we had the 'serious', we're-going-to-live-300-miles-apart, how-are-we-going-to-do-this talk. In my mind, there was never any question of his accepting the job offer. Part of loving someone is wanting what's best for them, you know? I'd rather that I'm a little miserable with him in another city with a job instead of us both being really miserable when he's here and jobless.

It's funny: when we were going through the process of letting everyone know that he was moving, so many people asked us if we were going to break up. The thought never even crossed our minds, and I think that positive attitude really does help in making it through this situation. You can either look at a potential separation as a death sentence for your relationship, or as something that will eventually make you both stronger. It really is kind of a make-us-or-break-us kind of thing.

We spend a disgusting amount of time on the phone at night and emailing back and forth during work hours, with the occasional random text thrown in for good measure. The important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. I went without talking to him for a couple of days and went into an irrational jealous-significant-other frenzy, and I hated it.

Every once in a while, I'll send him a funny little card, or something that I picked up in a store that made me think of him. For his birthday [a month after he moved], I sent him an edible arrangement, some trinkets for his new desk, and a guide book for Philly. For my birthday, he sent me tickets to the Philadelphia zoo. We choose to look at it this way: now we have two cities to explore and in which to have adventures.

Good luck to both of you! I hope it works out favorably.
posted by alynnk at 12:26 PM on August 5, 2009

I would really have to agree with Polychrome here: "If you're not at a point where you're even talking about living together, then you really should not be planning your careers around each other." I understand what it's like to really like a person, and I know that breaking up with someone you care about is one of the worst feelings around, but if you don't think you're ready for a serious commitment, you should recognize that planning your future around this person is a serious commitment.

When my boyfriend finished grad school, I left my job to follow him across the country. This was just about when the economy was tanking, and while he was totally set, my job opportunities were and have been slim. So, I guess you could say that I chose love over work, but it wasn't an easy decision.

Because his job prospects, both long-term and short-term, were likely better than mine, it seemed reasonable for me to follow him. This could change, of course, and we both recognize that someday he might have to make the same sacrifice I did. We briefly talked about marriage before the move, and while we decided we weren't ready yet, we both got the strong impression that marriage was the direction we were headed. I seriously doubt I would have followed him if either of us had thought differently. Because I knew how committed we were at this point, we could have separated until things were more stable, but because of the nature of his career, I knew that would be more time than I would be willing to wait. We are still together, still in love, and still in a serious state of flux regarding careers. It was and, on some level, continues to be pretty stressful, but I'm still happy with my choice.

Every couple is different, and I am not advocating any particular course of action, but I do think you're going to need a pretty serious sense of commitment for your relationship to work, regardless of whether you decide to relocate together or brave the distance.
posted by Diagonalize at 2:16 PM on August 5, 2009

I just wanted to say I'm in a similar situation, and it sucks. I don't really have any answers.

We're just taking it all one day at a time. I've increased the geographical area in which I'm looking for work, which may mean my BF and I live apart for a time. As much as it sucks and sounds selfish, getting a strong start to my career is much more important than living near to each other right now.

I beleive if we're meant to be, things will eventually work out - recessions aren't permanent and jobs aren't for life.

my partner has encouraged me to worry about myself first, saying we'll figure us out as we go along

This is exactly where we are.
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 3:22 PM on August 5, 2009

- How did you and your partner deal with the stress and uncertainty of choosing work over love, or vice versa?

It was 1971, and she was pregnant, and Catholic. There wasn't any "choice," for us, and we married, and moved back with my family. I found a job as a sewing machine repairman, at a local fabric and sewing machine store. She had my oldest son, about a month after we got our first apartment.

- How did things work out for your and your partner?

We had a second child, in 1972. In 1974, we moved back to her city of birth, in Tennessee, because she was miserable in Kansas City. In 1976, she took both my sons, and moved in with her parents, and filed for divorce, on grounds of "irreconcilable differences." In 1977, she married a Tennessee lawyer, and got her degree in psychology. In 1978, she got her MA in social work.

- When did you have the serious "relationship talks", if at all?

Oh, we had them all the time, up until 1976. I was serious, and she was talking about relationships with legal professionals. I didn't connect the dots until I got served divorce papers, and lost my custodial rights to my children.

- If you chose to maintain a long-distance relationship, how did you make it work?

I moved to Boston in 1979, and hired a good lawyer at 60 State Street, and let that lawyer talk to my ex-wife's lawyer-husband, for the next 10 years. Assuming you can afford the legal bills, it's the only sensible strategy, once kids are involved.
posted by paulsc at 1:36 AM on August 7, 2009