What's in a name?
August 2, 2009 11:27 PM Subscribe
I'm signing the papers for my divorce this week and moving to a new country (UK) next week. I'll be meeting new people and I'm looking for a word to call my ex-husband.
I'm thinking at some point I'll need to tell these new friends about him. I don't want to call him my ex because that makes me think of bitter spouses who haven't moved on. Calling him my first husband implies I've had more than one or that I'm looking for another. I'm looking for a name that implies divorced but not bitter. Ideas?
I'm thinking at some point I'll need to tell these new friends about him. I don't want to call him my ex because that makes me think of bitter spouses who haven't moved on. Calling him my first husband implies I've had more than one or that I'm looking for another. I'm looking for a name that implies divorced but not bitter. Ideas?
Best answer: Wasband (Was + Husband - Hu!)
posted by Fuzzy Dog at 11:30 PM on August 2, 2009 [9 favorites]
posted by Fuzzy Dog at 11:30 PM on August 2, 2009 [9 favorites]
Beta Version Husband?
posted by bunglin jones at 11:41 PM on August 2, 2009
posted by bunglin jones at 11:41 PM on August 2, 2009
Starter husband.
posted by rhizome at 12:03 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 12:03 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
Starter husband.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:15 AM on August 3, 2009
posted by DarlingBri at 12:15 AM on August 3, 2009
All the above are fine, but "ex" is just the normal term, yknow. No bitter implication.
posted by JimN2TAW at 12:20 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by JimN2TAW at 12:20 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
Fucking really??!
Your actions and attitudes will tell them if (IF) you are as you say "divorced and not bitter"... the name you so cleverly craft on the flight over will do nothing but show a penchant for glib wordplay. Whatever you call your ex (former lover, friend, former partner, guy I knew, this one dude, John Smith, etc.) has much less to do with how the person perceives your attitude towards that (and future) relationship than do any number of other things... foremost: your grace and projected attitudes towards same.
May I suggest step one: Do not bring up your ex-husband at all to people who you have not already struck an attachment to that would preclude their judging you based on your choice of terms in reporting this arbitrary and to-the-general-public-uninteresting chapter of a stranger's life?
(P.S. You can call me anything you'd like... just don't call me late for supper...)
posted by jjjjjjjijjjjjjj at 12:22 AM on August 3, 2009 [16 favorites]
Your actions and attitudes will tell them if (IF) you are as you say "divorced and not bitter"... the name you so cleverly craft on the flight over will do nothing but show a penchant for glib wordplay. Whatever you call your ex (former lover, friend, former partner, guy I knew, this one dude, John Smith, etc.) has much less to do with how the person perceives your attitude towards that (and future) relationship than do any number of other things... foremost: your grace and projected attitudes towards same.
May I suggest step one: Do not bring up your ex-husband at all to people who you have not already struck an attachment to that would preclude their judging you based on your choice of terms in reporting this arbitrary and to-the-general-public-uninteresting chapter of a stranger's life?
(P.S. You can call me anything you'd like... just don't call me late for supper...)
posted by jjjjjjjijjjjjjj at 12:22 AM on August 3, 2009 [16 favorites]
Im my little bit of southern england, ex-husband doesn't imply bitter, it's simply factual.
That rat-bastard ex-husband, on the other hand...
posted by ArkhanJG at 12:23 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
That rat-bastard ex-husband, on the other hand...
posted by ArkhanJG at 12:23 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
" "
posted by fleacircus at 1:31 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by fleacircus at 1:31 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
As a recent ex-husband myself, I don't think "ex" necessarily communicates bitterness. We introduce each other that way all the time. Since (as far as I can tell) the word "ex" only communicates this past-tenseness of the marriage relationship, I think it only implies bitterness if you presume that there's something bitter about someone having been married to you in the past and then at a certain point not being married to you any more.
I think I sort of agree with jjjjjjjijjjjjjj, but I'd put it more like this: if you use the word "ex" to refer to your recent former husband, you're not being negative, you're being straightforward and honest; anything else skirts dangerously close to the region where complicated euphemism is used to avoid uncomfortable realities. Really, I don't think there's a way to put a positive spin on the phrase without becoming either abstruse or evasive; consider the fact that the only possibilities I can come up with are things like 'my recent amicably-separated-from former life partner' or 'my friend who has transitioned from life partner status to simple lifelong (and yet more detached) friendship.
(I shouldn't preach, but these sorts of things remind me of a certain George Carlin bit about the needless evasiveness of language; it happens all the time now with things people are uncomfortable with - we call them 'senior citizens' rather than simply old people, 'hearing impaired' or 'seeing impaired' rather than simply deaf or blind people, we say someone has had to 'deal with redundancy' or 'experienced a layoff' rather than simply that they were fired; even though the poor are poor, old people are old people, and getting fired is getting fired just like it's always been.)
Basically: you got divorced. It's a simple fact, it happened, and it can't really be covered up. You don't harbour any bitterness. Most divorced people do - that's what you're up against, not the word 'ex,' and no matter what phrase you come up with, people are likely to assume that you hate him - but you don't. Unfortunately, however, you can't communicate all of that in a word; there is no word for 'he's my ex-husband, but unlike most people who've gotten divorced, I don't view him with bitterness, and I don't say he's my ex in any sort of angry or demeaning way.' That's something people will have to learn as you go along. It's okay that you can't say all of this to them up-front; if they're worth your time, they'll stick around long enough to figure it out.
posted by koeselitz at 2:36 AM on August 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
I think I sort of agree with jjjjjjjijjjjjjj, but I'd put it more like this: if you use the word "ex" to refer to your recent former husband, you're not being negative, you're being straightforward and honest; anything else skirts dangerously close to the region where complicated euphemism is used to avoid uncomfortable realities. Really, I don't think there's a way to put a positive spin on the phrase without becoming either abstruse or evasive; consider the fact that the only possibilities I can come up with are things like 'my recent amicably-separated-from former life partner' or 'my friend who has transitioned from life partner status to simple lifelong (and yet more detached) friendship.
(I shouldn't preach, but these sorts of things remind me of a certain George Carlin bit about the needless evasiveness of language; it happens all the time now with things people are uncomfortable with - we call them 'senior citizens' rather than simply old people, 'hearing impaired' or 'seeing impaired' rather than simply deaf or blind people, we say someone has had to 'deal with redundancy' or 'experienced a layoff' rather than simply that they were fired; even though the poor are poor, old people are old people, and getting fired is getting fired just like it's always been.)
Basically: you got divorced. It's a simple fact, it happened, and it can't really be covered up. You don't harbour any bitterness. Most divorced people do - that's what you're up against, not the word 'ex,' and no matter what phrase you come up with, people are likely to assume that you hate him - but you don't. Unfortunately, however, you can't communicate all of that in a word; there is no word for 'he's my ex-husband, but unlike most people who've gotten divorced, I don't view him with bitterness, and I don't say he's my ex in any sort of angry or demeaning way.' That's something people will have to learn as you go along. It's okay that you can't say all of this to them up-front; if they're worth your time, they'll stick around long enough to figure it out.
posted by koeselitz at 2:36 AM on August 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
I live in the UK and I don't think of "ex husband" or "ex wife" having negative connotations. Not following up "my ex husband" with "that dirty lying bastard" is quite sufficient to communicate a lack of bitterness.
posted by emilyw at 2:52 AM on August 3, 2009
posted by emilyw at 2:52 AM on August 3, 2009
My ex is leaving my house in about an hour after having spent a long weekend with us, during which we saw a movie, went out for beers, and went kayaking. This happens a couple times a year.* This time he even brought a mumbly emo-goth-type teenager with him who wanted to visit my son. Nine hours each way. So no bitterness, but he is my ex, and I'm pretty sure he refers to me with the same term. It just means past-tense.
*In fact, we spend more time now actually doing fun things than we did when we were together, and it's all his fault the rat bastard. Just kidding. (Mostly.)
posted by headnsouth at 3:36 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
*In fact, we spend more time now actually doing fun things than we did when we were together, and it's all his fault the rat bastard. Just kidding. (Mostly.)
posted by headnsouth at 3:36 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
"Practice spouse," but only with tongue firmly in cheek (as mine is here).
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 4:42 AM on August 3, 2009
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 4:42 AM on August 3, 2009
The terms 'ex-husband' and 'ex-wife' have no baggage attached to them here in the UK. Not that I've ever noticed anyway.
Most people shorten it to "my ex" in conversation, but that can be a bit ambiguous.
I really wouldn't over-think this one too much. 'Ex-husband' is fine. If you notice your new friends and colleagues using different terminology, just go with it. If you're bringing an American accent with you no-one will be surprised if you use strange words for mundane things anyway (sidewalk, resume, mailman, car-hole).
And as other people have mentioned, you don't need to disclose your new divorcee status to everyone you meet. Everyone's divorced here.
posted by SebastianKnight at 4:56 AM on August 3, 2009
Most people shorten it to "my ex" in conversation, but that can be a bit ambiguous.
I really wouldn't over-think this one too much. 'Ex-husband' is fine. If you notice your new friends and colleagues using different terminology, just go with it. If you're bringing an American accent with you no-one will be surprised if you use strange words for mundane things anyway (sidewalk, resume, mailman, car-hole).
And as other people have mentioned, you don't need to disclose your new divorcee status to everyone you meet. Everyone's divorced here.
posted by SebastianKnight at 4:56 AM on August 3, 2009
I think it all depends on whether you spit when you say ex. The body language is all, the word not so much.
posted by fistynuts at 5:19 AM on August 3, 2009
posted by fistynuts at 5:19 AM on August 3, 2009
Your attitude is going to tell more than the name you give him. Why not say you're single, interested in men, and ready to keep your options open? For your new friends, tell them that your first husband and you didn't work out - how simple can it get?
posted by chrisinseoul at 5:37 AM on August 3, 2009
posted by chrisinseoul at 5:37 AM on August 3, 2009
Nthing that there's nothing bitter-sounding about "ex".
posted by Perplexity at 5:48 AM on August 3, 2009
posted by Perplexity at 5:48 AM on August 3, 2009
My current gf has one of them. We call him 'Chris'. Honestly, in the UK, no one will bat an eyelid whatever you call them, theres no stigma. Dont fret.
posted by daveyt at 5:51 AM on August 3, 2009
posted by daveyt at 5:51 AM on August 3, 2009
As a long-divorced person myself, I can attest that the "ex-" doesn't hold a connotation in and of itself, unless you noticably inflect it in a sarcastic or matter-of-fact way, something you presumably would have control over.
posted by aught at 6:17 AM on August 3, 2009
posted by aught at 6:17 AM on August 3, 2009
ex-betrothed. that's fancy.
posted by bunny hugger at 6:23 AM on August 3, 2009
posted by bunny hugger at 6:23 AM on August 3, 2009
What the hell is a car-hole, SebastianKnight? (Dying of curiosity here, as I work for a UK magazine co as an editor, and have never run across that one...)
posted by bitter-girl.com at 7:46 AM on August 3, 2009
posted by bitter-girl.com at 7:46 AM on August 3, 2009
SebastianKnight: If you're bringing an American accent with you no-one will be surprised if you use strange words for mundane things anyway (sidewalk, resume, mailman, car-hole).
bitter-girl.com: What the hell is a car-hole, SebastianKnight? (Dying of curiosity here, as I work for a UK magazine co as an editor, and have never run across that one...)
SebastianKnight is saying that Americans have odd words for things. And he was making a reference to a certain bit from The Simpsons:
Homer: Hmm... I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage...
Moe: The garage! Hey, fellas, the garage! Well, ooh, la-di-DA, Mr. French-man!
Homer: Well, what do you call it?
Moe: A car-hole.
posted by koeselitz at 9:46 AM on August 3, 2009
bitter-girl.com: What the hell is a car-hole, SebastianKnight? (Dying of curiosity here, as I work for a UK magazine co as an editor, and have never run across that one...)
SebastianKnight is saying that Americans have odd words for things. And he was making a reference to a certain bit from The Simpsons:
Homer: Hmm... I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage...
Moe: The garage! Hey, fellas, the garage! Well, ooh, la-di-DA, Mr. French-man!
Homer: Well, what do you call it?
Moe: A car-hole.
posted by koeselitz at 9:46 AM on August 3, 2009
I get the impression - which may not be in any way accurate - that divorce does not carry the stigma in the UK that it does in the US. At least, that was one of the positive sides of my experience in the UK as opposed to what I've dealt with as a divorcee in the US. So "ex-husband" should be fine, and in no way indicate you're looking for a new one. Or you could just not mention him - he's not part of your life anymore, and you don't have reason to tell stories about him.
Or you could use the phrase "former partner" or somesuch, I guess - a dissolved partnership sounds less serious than a dissoluted marriage.
posted by medea42 at 10:23 AM on August 3, 2009
Or you could use the phrase "former partner" or somesuch, I guess - a dissolved partnership sounds less serious than a dissoluted marriage.
posted by medea42 at 10:23 AM on August 3, 2009
Response by poster: Thanks everyone! I got married quite young (almost 21) and it lasted almost 15 years. He played a pretty big role in my life for many years. I'm working on going from a 'we' to an 'I', but some stories do involve him.
posted by CdnMathTeacher at 11:09 AM on August 3, 2009
posted by CdnMathTeacher at 11:09 AM on August 3, 2009
Best answer: I feel bad about the exasperated tone I dumped on you earlier, and I apologize. Knowing a tiny bit more about the backstory, now, I think I can kinda feel your angle a bit more. Stories are gonna come up naturally, and you need a device to downplay some assumptions based on the marital underpinnings of the details of these stories. Avoiding stories about the ex would be practically impossible, based on the large volume of stories that he's involved in.
By way of penance, I'm just going to go ahead and solve your problem for you. What you're looking for is... (wait for it) ... "The guy I was with at the time." As in:
I say practice this in front of the mirror until it feels natural, and then consider if it is suitable to use as a boilerplate of sorts when telling stories of this kind. It's not even being (even slightly) dishonest.
posted by jjjjjjjijjjjjjj at 1:33 PM on August 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
By way of penance, I'm just going to go ahead and solve your problem for you. What you're looking for is... (wait for it) ... "The guy I was with at the time." As in:
YOU: Oh really? I love giraffes too! Back when I was living in Grand Rapids I used to drag the guy I was with at the time to the zoo every weekend just to see them..."Seriously. This will work. In 99% of the interactions whereby you will be telling a story that your ex was a part of, it will be of no use to your story or to your listener for them to know (or not know) whether you had a ring on your finger or had ever stood in front of a justice of the peace. These stories are your stories after all, and you deserve to have them. They do not have to serve any purpose that you do not want them to, including outing any type of historical information not germane to the conversation at hand.
I say practice this in front of the mirror until it feels natural, and then consider if it is suitable to use as a boilerplate of sorts when telling stories of this kind. It's not even being (even slightly) dishonest.
posted by jjjjjjjijjjjjjj at 1:33 PM on August 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
"Former husband"?
posted by Neofelis at 11:29 PM on August 2, 2009 [2 favorites]