Escaping the Destination Wedding
August 2, 2009 10:48 AM Subscribe
My half-sister is getting married. I really don't want to go to the wedding. Can I get out if it without appearing dreadfully rude?
The bride is a very nice woman, although we're not close - she's around sometimes when I go visit my mom, and that's about it. My parents only divorced 2 years ago, so it's not like we've grown up together, either. I don't want to go because:
- The wedding is being held in a small city/town about 4-5 hours drive outside NY - I'd have to get a ride with my mother, since I can't drive. Once we arrive, the guests are expected to stay for 4 days (!)
- I do not get along with my mother. It's hard for me to visit with her for a few hours - I make myself do it every other Saturday, out of duty, and dread it. Without getting into detail, she is an extremely difficult woman to get along with. The only other people I know who will be in attendance are the bride's immediate family, who are fine people, but who I wouldn't want to spend 4 days with - it's hard for me to maintain a conversation with them over 20 minutes.
- I have GAD and social anxiety (diagnosed), and the idea of being trapped for 4 days outside my home with my mother and group of strangers is actually kind of terrifying to me. Not to mention the car trip, which will be it's own kind of unpleasant. Further, I've had an extremely stressful summer thus far (can't-sleep-for-several-days-straight kind of stressful), and I could really use that time to either a) get more work done (I still have tons more to do before the summer ends and I run out of free time) or b) relax. This wedding will be anything but relaxing, and I will not be able to get much work done there. This remaining month is very valuable to me.
I see three possibilities here:
A) Suffer through it, in it's entirety, in order to avoid alienating my half-sister and her/my family.
B) Go for the ceremony and reception, and then catch a bus home, staying for only one or two days.
C) Send a gift and a congratulatory note, don't go.
I'm receiving a lot of pressure on both sides of my family to go, although I haven't made the strength of my reservations clear to them (for example, they don't know about my social/general anxiety). Is this a "set boundaries" thing or a "suck it up and maintain the peace" thing? How rude would it be to choose option B? Or C? If I choose A, what excuse should I use? (I'll need one. I don't live with my either of my parents, so lying will be easier.) I find it hard to believe that the bride would care too much about my presence (or lack thereof), considering that we're not close, but my family seems to think that not going would be terrible etiquette on my part.
The bride is a very nice woman, although we're not close - she's around sometimes when I go visit my mom, and that's about it. My parents only divorced 2 years ago, so it's not like we've grown up together, either. I don't want to go because:
- The wedding is being held in a small city/town about 4-5 hours drive outside NY - I'd have to get a ride with my mother, since I can't drive. Once we arrive, the guests are expected to stay for 4 days (!)
- I do not get along with my mother. It's hard for me to visit with her for a few hours - I make myself do it every other Saturday, out of duty, and dread it. Without getting into detail, she is an extremely difficult woman to get along with. The only other people I know who will be in attendance are the bride's immediate family, who are fine people, but who I wouldn't want to spend 4 days with - it's hard for me to maintain a conversation with them over 20 minutes.
- I have GAD and social anxiety (diagnosed), and the idea of being trapped for 4 days outside my home with my mother and group of strangers is actually kind of terrifying to me. Not to mention the car trip, which will be it's own kind of unpleasant. Further, I've had an extremely stressful summer thus far (can't-sleep-for-several-days-straight kind of stressful), and I could really use that time to either a) get more work done (I still have tons more to do before the summer ends and I run out of free time) or b) relax. This wedding will be anything but relaxing, and I will not be able to get much work done there. This remaining month is very valuable to me.
I see three possibilities here:
A) Suffer through it, in it's entirety, in order to avoid alienating my half-sister and her/my family.
B) Go for the ceremony and reception, and then catch a bus home, staying for only one or two days.
C) Send a gift and a congratulatory note, don't go.
I'm receiving a lot of pressure on both sides of my family to go, although I haven't made the strength of my reservations clear to them (for example, they don't know about my social/general anxiety). Is this a "set boundaries" thing or a "suck it up and maintain the peace" thing? How rude would it be to choose option B? Or C? If I choose A, what excuse should I use? (I'll need one. I don't live with my either of my parents, so lying will be easier.) I find it hard to believe that the bride would care too much about my presence (or lack thereof), considering that we're not close, but my family seems to think that not going would be terrible etiquette on my part.
Ha, "Option see." You know what I meant. Option ...C.
posted by Polychrome at 10:52 AM on August 2, 2009
posted by Polychrome at 10:52 AM on August 2, 2009
4 days is ridiculous to expect from anyone. If you're receiving pressure to go and think it'd be bad for the family if you don't go, then go for a day and catch the bus back.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 10:54 AM on August 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by KateHasQuestions at 10:54 AM on August 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
I would go with option B if possible. Four days is excessive, in my opinion. It's not rude at all to only attend the ceremony and reception. But, if your anxiety is too great, don't go. But of course that will probably cause a new set of anxieties...
posted by shrabster at 10:56 AM on August 2, 2009
posted by shrabster at 10:56 AM on August 2, 2009
Four days? That's nuts. I've never heard of anything like that except for small, special "destination weddings" where typically only the closest friends and family members are invited. If you can find a way just to go for the ceremony and reception itself, that sounds like a good compromise.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 10:57 AM on August 2, 2009
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 10:57 AM on August 2, 2009
I don't even know you and I would be perfectly happy to give you a totally airtight excuse/mission so that you don't have to go to this wedding.
Give polite "oh thank you so much but I just can't" apologies and send a gift and do not suffer any guff for it. The great thing about weddings is that while people would probably like you to go, at the end of the day it's their happy day and sort of your loss if you don't make it. Other people who are NOT the happy couple may make it "a thing" but it's not their wedding and ultimately not your concern. Feel free to not go and be okay about not going and don't make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.
posted by jessamyn at 10:58 AM on August 2, 2009 [12 favorites]
Give polite "oh thank you so much but I just can't" apologies and send a gift and do not suffer any guff for it. The great thing about weddings is that while people would probably like you to go, at the end of the day it's their happy day and sort of your loss if you don't make it. Other people who are NOT the happy couple may make it "a thing" but it's not their wedding and ultimately not your concern. Feel free to not go and be okay about not going and don't make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.
posted by jessamyn at 10:58 AM on August 2, 2009 [12 favorites]
What about a modified option B: go with a friend with a car who has to return home immediately after the ceremony? This would avoid the trip with your mother, the extended stay and help alleviate any feelings of being trapped. In addition, you'd have an ally - someone to hang out with if the family gets to be too much.
Good luck.
posted by sciencegeek at 11:04 AM on August 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
Good luck.
posted by sciencegeek at 11:04 AM on August 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
Ah, okay, I see that you did refer to it as a destination wedding in the title of the post. Even so, as I say, destination weddings (as far as I understand them) typically involve small groups of the couple's closest friends and family members - not distant relations they barely know. You might have been caught in an awkward position (from the bride's point of view) since you slot into a family member spot that is often very "close" but in this case happens not to be. But even so, I don't think that obligates you to go to a destination wedding.
By the way, you refer to the bride as your "half-sister," but then mention your parents divorcing only two years ago. I know this may seem like a weird question, but perhaps did you mean step-sister?
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 11:04 AM on August 2, 2009
By the way, you refer to the bride as your "half-sister," but then mention your parents divorcing only two years ago. I know this may seem like a weird question, but perhaps did you mean step-sister?
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 11:04 AM on August 2, 2009
I think it would be nice of you to go, but FOUR DAYS? And having to rely on your mother and/or public transportation to attend? That's really asking a lot of . . .anyone and really going beyond the scope of someone that has anxieties to the extent that it sounds like you do.
Seeing as you'd need bus transportation to get back home, I'd probably go with C. Get them a nice gift and include a nice note. Tell your family that it's just not doable for you to go for four days. You are backed up with work and if you were to go just for the wedding and reception you would then need to find an alternate means of transportation back home - such as a bus - and that's just out of the question.
You shouldn't have to suffer this much to attend a wedding. Weddings should be fun and you should look forward to eating gobs of cake instead of thinking about a 5 hour bus ride back home.
posted by Sassyfras at 11:04 AM on August 2, 2009
Seeing as you'd need bus transportation to get back home, I'd probably go with C. Get them a nice gift and include a nice note. Tell your family that it's just not doable for you to go for four days. You are backed up with work and if you were to go just for the wedding and reception you would then need to find an alternate means of transportation back home - such as a bus - and that's just out of the question.
You shouldn't have to suffer this much to attend a wedding. Weddings should be fun and you should look forward to eating gobs of cake instead of thinking about a 5 hour bus ride back home.
posted by Sassyfras at 11:04 AM on August 2, 2009
but my family seems to think that not going would be terrible etiquette on my part.
Oh hell, they probably said the same thing to your half-sister about inviting you. Option C is a no-brainer here.
posted by meerkatty at 11:10 AM on August 2, 2009 [13 favorites]
Oh hell, they probably said the same thing to your half-sister about inviting you. Option C is a no-brainer here.
posted by meerkatty at 11:10 AM on August 2, 2009 [13 favorites]
An event that demands a 4-day stay is eminently within the bounds of etiquette to decline gracefully. What if you had to work on two of those days?
You don't need to tell them anything personal; just apologize and say that you are unfortunately unable to absent yourself for so long, and wish them all the best etc. Send a slightly nicer present than you would have brought in person, and a card with a nice handwritten bit (no apologies in the card, just say the nice things about the marriage that you would have said in person).
As a bit of a tangent - I also have social anxiety, and for a long time it made me spend a lot of energy trying to please people, and I mean ridiculous amounts of energy and self-denial. Then one day, a remarkable woman I was working with said simply, "you know, you don't *have* to be everyone's dog."
It's been fifteen years and I still think of that. It was the moment I stopped trying to please everyone else out of fear of social failure or faux-pas or just not being liked and started trying to please myself out of fear not living the life I'd been given. You don't have to be hurting yourself to please unpleasable people. You have the perfect right to be happy in your life and not to have to drink poison every other week out of obligation to someone who seems to feel ownership rather than mutual obligation to you, much less spend four days in hell because they want you to.
Have a lovely weekend alone while they're all together!
posted by Billegible at 11:13 AM on August 2, 2009 [9 favorites]
You don't need to tell them anything personal; just apologize and say that you are unfortunately unable to absent yourself for so long, and wish them all the best etc. Send a slightly nicer present than you would have brought in person, and a card with a nice handwritten bit (no apologies in the card, just say the nice things about the marriage that you would have said in person).
As a bit of a tangent - I also have social anxiety, and for a long time it made me spend a lot of energy trying to please people, and I mean ridiculous amounts of energy and self-denial. Then one day, a remarkable woman I was working with said simply, "you know, you don't *have* to be everyone's dog."
It's been fifteen years and I still think of that. It was the moment I stopped trying to please everyone else out of fear of social failure or faux-pas or just not being liked and started trying to please myself out of fear not living the life I'd been given. You don't have to be hurting yourself to please unpleasable people. You have the perfect right to be happy in your life and not to have to drink poison every other week out of obligation to someone who seems to feel ownership rather than mutual obligation to you, much less spend four days in hell because they want you to.
Have a lovely weekend alone while they're all together!
posted by Billegible at 11:13 AM on August 2, 2009 [9 favorites]
Option C, and an offer to buy them both dinner next time they're in town, so they know you aren't avoiding THEM specifically.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:17 AM on August 2, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by small_ruminant at 11:17 AM on August 2, 2009 [5 favorites]
I have social anxiety and panic disorder. I find it skews my perception of what others think is rude. Turn it around - how would you react if it were your wedding? Would you be upset if she chose option C, if her circumstances were akin to yours?
Send a nice gift and a note. Call beforehand and sincerely tell her that you are sorry you can't make it, but you hope she has a wonderful day. I've been the bride within the past year, and I could barely remember my name, let alone which (sort-of distant) relatives were attending the wedding.
posted by desjardins at 11:26 AM on August 2, 2009
Send a nice gift and a note. Call beforehand and sincerely tell her that you are sorry you can't make it, but you hope she has a wonderful day. I've been the bride within the past year, and I could barely remember my name, let alone which (sort-of distant) relatives were attending the wedding.
posted by desjardins at 11:26 AM on August 2, 2009
I think B or C are good options. It is not unforgivably rude unless you wait until the last minute and don't offer sincere regrets and well-wishes to the happy couple. I'd keep B just because weddings are fun and it can be a good time to see your family loosen up, dance around like fools and be really happy and romantic. But, sometimes family gatherings are NOT fun so that's really up to you. Be sincere, be clear and firm about your intentions and know that it's just a (long) weekend and not the end of the world.
posted by amanda at 11:30 AM on August 2, 2009
posted by amanda at 11:30 AM on August 2, 2009
I see the many temptations to go with Option C, but it sounds to me that there is a lot of family pressure and you may be better off going with Option B. Most people will understand if you say you have work assignments you can't get out of, darn the luck, but are going to make the effort to go for the sake of the family for the wedding and one night and then get the bus back first thing the next morning (it doesn't hurt to rack up some family "points" while you are at it, so you can subtly play up how you are making a great effort to shift things around in your schedule in order to come for this one night to be with the family for this special event.)
Also, what sciencegeek said: What about a modified option B: go with a friend with a car who has to return home immediately after the ceremony? This would avoid the trip with your mother, the extended stay and help alleviate any feelings of being trapped.
posted by gudrun at 11:31 AM on August 2, 2009
Also, what sciencegeek said: What about a modified option B: go with a friend with a car who has to return home immediately after the ceremony? This would avoid the trip with your mother, the extended stay and help alleviate any feelings of being trapped.
posted by gudrun at 11:31 AM on August 2, 2009
I like Sassyfras's answer, especially this part:
You shouldn't have to suffer this much to attend a wedding. Weddings should be fun and you should look forward to eating gobs of cake instead of thinking about a 5 hour bus ride back home.
If you and the bride were very close, I'd say give B a try. But you're not, so all of this worrying is just not worth it- especially if it's just to please some family members who will forget all about it in no time anyway. Tell them you can't miss work and send a nice gift.
posted by shelayna at 11:32 AM on August 2, 2009
You shouldn't have to suffer this much to attend a wedding. Weddings should be fun and you should look forward to eating gobs of cake instead of thinking about a 5 hour bus ride back home.
If you and the bride were very close, I'd say give B a try. But you're not, so all of this worrying is just not worth it- especially if it's just to please some family members who will forget all about it in no time anyway. Tell them you can't miss work and send a nice gift.
posted by shelayna at 11:32 AM on August 2, 2009
C.
You don't need to make excuses, really. Being terribly busy = no four-day trips out of town.
Although you didn't ask, if I were you I'd start to cut back on visits to Mom if she stressed me out that much. Maybe go visit with your mother once a month or thereabouts? Maybe spending less time around her would leave you with a bigger reserve of Dealing-With-People power in general. Just a thought. I've been diagnosed with GAD/depression too, which is totally awesome, and I've found that it helps me an awful lot if I can set some limits on how much time I spend around people. Especially people who stress me out.
posted by Neofelis at 11:33 AM on August 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
You don't need to make excuses, really. Being terribly busy = no four-day trips out of town.
Although you didn't ask, if I were you I'd start to cut back on visits to Mom if she stressed me out that much. Maybe go visit with your mother once a month or thereabouts? Maybe spending less time around her would leave you with a bigger reserve of Dealing-With-People power in general. Just a thought. I've been diagnosed with GAD/depression too, which is totally awesome, and I've found that it helps me an awful lot if I can set some limits on how much time I spend around people. Especially people who stress me out.
posted by Neofelis at 11:33 AM on August 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
It's ok not to attend pretty much any wedding that you are not a participating member of or family member. The day isn't about you, it's about the bride and groom. If your absence somehow detracts from the wedding in the bride's eyes, then she's looking for reasons to be disappointed.
I just got married and a couple people were no shows. I was so busy having fun and focussing on my bride I didn't even know they hadn't showed until we talked about it afterward.
posted by vito90 at 11:33 AM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I just got married and a couple people were no shows. I was so busy having fun and focussing on my bride I didn't even know they hadn't showed until we talked about it afterward.
posted by vito90 at 11:33 AM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
When you want to avoid being rude, it's less daunting if you imagine the specific point of view of whoever you might offend. Think about them individually.
The bride is the most important. She should get a note from you. (A note is much better than a phone call.) To her, it should seem like you just want to express good wishes for the wedding day and beyond, and generally to say nice things. Also say that you wish you could join them for (more of) the celebrating, and that you'll be thinking of them when you're not there/ look forward to seeing photos, whatever. You don't have to give a reason. Your note is really going to stand out, and she'll probably even keep it with her wedding memorabilia. Don't worry about going over the top with your prose; brides love to believe other people care a whole lot about their weddings.
If the bride's not offended or hurt, she's not going to mention anything bad about you to anyone close to her. They won't have any gossip to spread around. If you think any of the family might be thinking, "Man, I was really looking forward to seeing anonymous and now I won't get to," talk to them personally.
Anyone who's of a mind to be negative will get over it quickly, because it won't affect them much. If they can't say something like, "Suzie is so hurt/Jack is very disappointed," their comments won't have much weight.
posted by wryly at 11:49 AM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
The bride is the most important. She should get a note from you. (A note is much better than a phone call.) To her, it should seem like you just want to express good wishes for the wedding day and beyond, and generally to say nice things. Also say that you wish you could join them for (more of) the celebrating, and that you'll be thinking of them when you're not there/ look forward to seeing photos, whatever. You don't have to give a reason. Your note is really going to stand out, and she'll probably even keep it with her wedding memorabilia. Don't worry about going over the top with your prose; brides love to believe other people care a whole lot about their weddings.
If the bride's not offended or hurt, she's not going to mention anything bad about you to anyone close to her. They won't have any gossip to spread around. If you think any of the family might be thinking, "Man, I was really looking forward to seeing anonymous and now I won't get to," talk to them personally.
Anyone who's of a mind to be negative will get over it quickly, because it won't affect them much. If they can't say something like, "Suzie is so hurt/Jack is very disappointed," their comments won't have much weight.
posted by wryly at 11:49 AM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I find it hard to believe that the bride would care too much about my presence (or lack thereof), considering that we're not close
My wedding was a couple months ago. I invited my mom's stepsiblings, who are lovely people I don't know well who live in another state. I invited them partly at my mother's request, partly to acknowledge that I consider them family and think they're nice. I had zero expectation that they would actually attend. They didn't come. They sent cards and gifts (though I wouldn't have thought ill of them if all they'd sent were cards). I was really touched.
A personal note wishing the bride well and saying that unfortunately you can't attend would be lovely. (You don't need to explain that the reason you can't attend is because your mother would make the experience unpleasant.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:21 PM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
My wedding was a couple months ago. I invited my mom's stepsiblings, who are lovely people I don't know well who live in another state. I invited them partly at my mother's request, partly to acknowledge that I consider them family and think they're nice. I had zero expectation that they would actually attend. They didn't come. They sent cards and gifts (though I wouldn't have thought ill of them if all they'd sent were cards). I was really touched.
A personal note wishing the bride well and saying that unfortunately you can't attend would be lovely. (You don't need to explain that the reason you can't attend is because your mother would make the experience unpleasant.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:21 PM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
You could drink enough to get tipsy. Carry a small flask and drink out of it. That ought to calm your nerves and overthinking. You could take a sleeping pill for the four hour drive with your mom. But don't get drunk and don't drink and mix sleeping pills.
posted by anniecat at 12:34 PM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by anniecat at 12:34 PM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh god -- C, definitely. Send a card with a gift. If pressed, give some excuse regarding having to work. This is not a big deal, it really isn't. Don't sweat it, and enjoy the time to yourself.
posted by cgg at 1:37 PM on August 2, 2009
posted by cgg at 1:37 PM on August 2, 2009
If you don't want to go, there are many legitimate reasons as to why you can't -- you can't get time off from work, you don't have the money, etc. (There are weddings I want to go to, and those things are issues.)
Send a note (and a gift, if you want) and I think you're fine.
posted by darksong at 1:41 PM on August 2, 2009
Send a note (and a gift, if you want) and I think you're fine.
posted by darksong at 1:41 PM on August 2, 2009
Go with C.
I really have to nth meerkatty here: since you and your half-sister aren't close, the same family pressuring you now probably also pressured her to invite you in the first place.
It is perfectly polite to RSVP 'no' to a wedding as long as you aren't being dramatic about it (and it doesn't sound like you are). Simply say that it isn't possible for you to make it, and send a lovely gift and note/card to the happy couple and all is well as far as etiquette is concerned.
posted by asciident at 2:28 PM on August 2, 2009
I really have to nth meerkatty here: since you and your half-sister aren't close, the same family pressuring you now probably also pressured her to invite you in the first place.
It is perfectly polite to RSVP 'no' to a wedding as long as you aren't being dramatic about it (and it doesn't sound like you are). Simply say that it isn't possible for you to make it, and send a lovely gift and note/card to the happy couple and all is well as far as etiquette is concerned.
posted by asciident at 2:28 PM on August 2, 2009
C, nice card, gift if you feel like it.
posted by imjustsaying at 3:00 PM on August 2, 2009
posted by imjustsaying at 3:00 PM on August 2, 2009
Lots of good advice here, but since more votes might help, I'm going to add my voice to the C crowd. Given your personality and situation, it doesn't make sense for you to go. There's no way of knowing the brides reaction; obviously, we all hope she responds like Meg_Murry, but it's possible she'll be offended. In that case, you'll have to deal with that and hope she gets over it, but I'm pretty sure that will be less of a burden on you than going to this fershlugginer over-the-top event.
Or, in the words of a wise and succinct person:
> Feel free to not go and be okay about not going and don't make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.
posted by languagehat at 3:20 PM on August 2, 2009
Or, in the words of a wise and succinct person:
> Feel free to not go and be okay about not going and don't make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.
posted by languagehat at 3:20 PM on August 2, 2009
Yeah, I'm confused if she is your half-sister or step-sister. If she's your step-sister then definitely do not go. Just because somebody receives an invitation does not obligate them to attend an event.
posted by All.star at 3:42 PM on August 2, 2009
posted by All.star at 3:42 PM on August 2, 2009
I think it would be exceptional if you could bring yourself to go! It is simply a few days out of your entire lifetime and things like weddings and funerals are important to the people involved. It is not about you--it is about them. I understand that you don't know the sister and you don't care about her. Believe me---she and everyone else is going to get THAT message (loud and clear) when you don't go.
I understand you ...about how it is a pain, your Mother is a pain..how it is inconvenient and so forth ..yes, I understand! However, I vote for the option where you go and leave early if you can't tolerate it. Since this is an event that will take place in the future you do not know for a certainty that you wouldn't have a perfectly nice time! You are deciding for a certainty (soothsaying) that you will be miserable. Your relationship is not good with your Mother. You are going to add fuel to that fire by not going. This invitation isn't some form of torture (albeit, I DO UNDERSTAND you have issues!) --You would be doing yourself and everyone involved a big favor if you put your issues aside and put this barely-known sister at the top of your priority list for just a couple of days. You could do it if you made up your mind to do it. Attitude is absolutely everything. You'll be the classy one should you attend (despite all your misgivings).
posted by naplesyellow at 4:03 PM on August 2, 2009
I understand you ...about how it is a pain, your Mother is a pain..how it is inconvenient and so forth ..yes, I understand! However, I vote for the option where you go and leave early if you can't tolerate it. Since this is an event that will take place in the future you do not know for a certainty that you wouldn't have a perfectly nice time! You are deciding for a certainty (soothsaying) that you will be miserable. Your relationship is not good with your Mother. You are going to add fuel to that fire by not going. This invitation isn't some form of torture (albeit, I DO UNDERSTAND you have issues!) --You would be doing yourself and everyone involved a big favor if you put your issues aside and put this barely-known sister at the top of your priority list for just a couple of days. You could do it if you made up your mind to do it. Attitude is absolutely everything. You'll be the classy one should you attend (despite all your misgivings).
posted by naplesyellow at 4:03 PM on August 2, 2009
Maybe they invited you to be your mother's babysitter. Perhaps they feel the same way about her and "need" you. I would respectufully decline without going into any details. Option C, of course.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:28 PM on August 2, 2009
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:28 PM on August 2, 2009
> I understand that you don't know the sister and you don't care about her.
What? The OP didn't say that s/he didn't care about the bride.
> Believe me---she and everyone else is going to get THAT message (loud and clear) when you don't go.
That is unnecessarily harsh.
If the OP goes with Option C, then the message that the bride and groom will get--unless they are peculiar people with chips on their shoulders--is that the OP wishes them well but isn't able to attend the wedding.
OP, I encourage you to go with Option C. Contrary to what your family has told you, your non-attendance is not a breach of etiquette! Etiquette just requires that you RSVP ahead of time to let the couple know you won't be able to be there, so they can plan accordingly. The note and gift are a nice additional gesture to let them know you wish them well.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:53 PM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
What? The OP didn't say that s/he didn't care about the bride.
> Believe me---she and everyone else is going to get THAT message (loud and clear) when you don't go.
That is unnecessarily harsh.
If the OP goes with Option C, then the message that the bride and groom will get--unless they are peculiar people with chips on their shoulders--is that the OP wishes them well but isn't able to attend the wedding.
OP, I encourage you to go with Option C. Contrary to what your family has told you, your non-attendance is not a breach of etiquette! Etiquette just requires that you RSVP ahead of time to let the couple know you won't be able to be there, so they can plan accordingly. The note and gift are a nice additional gesture to let them know you wish them well.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:53 PM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
>I understand that you don't know the sister and you don't care about her. Believe me---she and everyone else is going to get THAT message (loud and clear) when you don't go.
I think perhaps your response here is rooted in issues mentioned here, and the OP should read it with the necessary grain of salt.
>This invitation isn't some form of torture (albeit, I DO UNDERSTAND you have issues!) --You would be doing yourself and everyone involved a big favor if you put your issues aside
And honestly, this is just mean and not called for.
Just about every single bride has had to acquiesce to her parent's and in-law's requests to add people to the invite list for her wedding whether it was to be polite, or to not raise family hackles, or it was because it would be a business faux-pas if the fellow law-firm partners were overlooked. It doesn't mean that she wants them there, and it doesn't necessarily mean they want to come.
To be emotionally and mentally uncomfortable to appease somebody to be socially correct is just ridiculous.
OP, send a note and a gift and be done with it. The bride probably will be just as happy that it will be one less head to pay for. As far as your Mother is concerned, well, you can't please all the people all of the time (see above). You're no longer living under her roof, and if she can't take the disappointment, well, that's something she will have to work on. Perhaps bi-weekly phone calls are in order instead of visits.
posted by dancinglamb at 6:53 PM on August 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
I think perhaps your response here is rooted in issues mentioned here, and the OP should read it with the necessary grain of salt.
>This invitation isn't some form of torture (albeit, I DO UNDERSTAND you have issues!) --You would be doing yourself and everyone involved a big favor if you put your issues aside
And honestly, this is just mean and not called for.
Just about every single bride has had to acquiesce to her parent's and in-law's requests to add people to the invite list for her wedding whether it was to be polite, or to not raise family hackles, or it was because it would be a business faux-pas if the fellow law-firm partners were overlooked. It doesn't mean that she wants them there, and it doesn't necessarily mean they want to come.
To be emotionally and mentally uncomfortable to appease somebody to be socially correct is just ridiculous.
OP, send a note and a gift and be done with it. The bride probably will be just as happy that it will be one less head to pay for. As far as your Mother is concerned, well, you can't please all the people all of the time (see above). You're no longer living under her roof, and if she can't take the disappointment, well, that's something she will have to work on. Perhaps bi-weekly phone calls are in order instead of visits.
posted by dancinglamb at 6:53 PM on August 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
Chiming in for Option C, although I'm also confused as to whether she's your half-sister or step-sister. I'd definitely go for C if she's a step, but I might lean towards B if she's a half and you share a parent who's going to make a big deal out of it forever. (FWIW, I'm close enough to my step and half siblings that I'll go to all of their weddings, but I understand that's not always the case. For the most part, we grew up together but I wouldn't feel any obligation towards a person who was already an adult when our parents married, which is what your case sounds like.)
If you do go with Option B, definitely stay the shorter amount of time and have your own transportation. I have never regretted spending money on being independent when I go to visit family, and I'm a bit of a tightwad. And if renting a car for yourself make the trip prohibitively expensive, than you can't afford to go, so send regrets and a nice gift.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:20 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you do go with Option B, definitely stay the shorter amount of time and have your own transportation. I have never regretted spending money on being independent when I go to visit family, and I'm a bit of a tightwad. And if renting a car for yourself make the trip prohibitively expensive, than you can't afford to go, so send regrets and a nice gift.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:20 AM on August 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Polychrome at 10:52 AM on August 2, 2009