Help my girlfriend myself or get therapy?

July 24, 2009 8:32 AM

I feel like I'm giving up on my girlfriend by suggesting therapy instead of helping her myself. Am I?

My girlfriend has been working through some issues lately related to a death in the family. Basically the only person who she actually liked in her family is now dead, and wanted her to keep her connections to the rest of the family which she despises.

She continually talks to me about things that the people still around have done, which are all horrible but in the past. She realizes that she is doing this, and apoligises sometimes, which I don't think she should do. I'm willing to listen to her tell me about them, but I don't have any constructive input at this point, and I'm scared that if I try to talk to her about these issues that I will step on some emotional land mine and I won't be able to mend things - this is obviously a huge issue for her. It has been going on with varying severity for months.

Recently I have been thinking that she should go into therapy for these things, but I am having serious problems with this because I feel like I am giving up, or that I am hopeless with respect to helping her with this major life issue. As a bonus, I can't really afford therapy for her, and she is on state-funded care which apparently doesn't cover mental health. If she does go into therapy, I fear having to impose an artificial limit on the number of sessions or the length.

I really love her, and I want her to work through these issues. Should I be trying harder to help her myself or is therapy the way to go?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total)

You should still listen to her and care about her, but therapy sounds like a good idea -- it isn't up to you to "fix" her. You're dating a person, not a project.
posted by runningwithscissors at 8:34 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

God, no. There is absolutely nothing wrong with understanding that you don't currently have the tools to help someone you love. It takes courage to admit that and you obviously are willing to support them in getting the help they need.
posted by sharkfu at 8:36 AM on July 24, 2009

IMHO therapy is something anyone can benefit from at any time. If you have serious issues you need to talk through, then therapy can benefit you all the more. Given that, it's kind of foolish not to make use of therapy if you have issues and the means to go.
posted by xammerboy at 8:37 AM on July 24, 2009

You've created a bit of a false dichotomy -- don't think of it as you OR therapist, it's you AND therapist. That way, she can have someone who can offer the "constructive input" that you feel you don't have, but also have someone there who understands and cares about her the rest of the time, and who can help her implement the things the therapist suggests.

Of course, if you can't afford it, that's another issue. I know there have been questions in the past about how and where to get free/cheap mental health care, so do some searches for those.
posted by brainmouse at 8:38 AM on July 24, 2009 [9 favorites]

Agree. You clearly care about her and will therefore probably be able to make clear your intent without hurt feelings. You're making this recommendation not out of laziness or frustration with her, but because you really want her to address these big issues, and real therapy is a big help.
posted by jragon at 8:40 AM on July 24, 2009

If she was having issues related to diabetes, would you feel guilty about sending her to a doctor instead of helping her yourself? Of course not - you are not trained to deal with it, and even if you were, you're too close to her to be objective. Do what you can to help her get the therapy she needs, but don't beggar yourself to do it, either.
posted by Lemurrhea at 8:41 AM on July 24, 2009 [6 favorites]

Let me recast this into a theoretical to show you the answer.

"I feel like I'm giving up on my girlfriend by suggesting a doctor's visit instead of putting a cast on her leg myself."

See, if professional help can help her, it's a good thing to help her get that professional help. I'm sorry that her life has been so hard, and I'm glad that you want to help her, but if you simply do not have the skill set required to do so, the best thing you can do is to help her get to someone who does.

I understand what you're feeling -- I've had the same issues. Getting her help will help *both* of you. This doesn't mean you have to stop listening to her, or being there for her, it means someone with professional training -- and professional *detachment* -- will be help you help her.
posted by eriko at 8:44 AM on July 24, 2009 [3 favorites]

I recently lost someone in my family - my only child, at 9 months old. The situations may not be exactly the same, but I am going to give you my two cents anyway.

I am in grief counseling (I call it that rather than therapy, but it is therapy) with a great therapist I started seeing after my near-death during childbirth, with renewed interest when my daughter was diagnosed with cancer at 2 months old. From my time at St. Jude, I know a lot of people who have lost children - some are in therapy/grief counseling/other support groups, some are not. Of those who are, it helps some, and not others.

It's not something my husband wants to pursue, but for me, therapy/counseling has been AMAZING. I don't spend my time crying about my dead baby, I mostly work on how I relate to my husband as our relationship changed from "spouse-parents" to "spouse-grieving parents," and building a more positive life and outlook for myself. I also focus a lot on my feelings about my family, some of whom I have not heard one single word from or seen since the day of my daughter's funeral. I deal with my resentment about other friends and family members who have healthy babies, and so forth. I could not manage these feelings without therapy. I am amazed every week, when I make little changes that are helping the situation.

My husband and I talk a lot about the situations, and I talk with friends, but NONE of them can help me the way grief counseling has. No matter how much they try (and they do). They love and support me and encourage me, but my time with the trained professional is critically important to my ability to get out of bed every day. You can and should support her, but a trained professional (especially the right one that's a good fit for her), will be able to do things you can't.

I won't make the comparison "You wouldn't feel this way if she was sick with x disease and you suggested she see a doc rather than keep plugging away at home remedies with you," because I don't think it's quite right here (although it has some truth to it). But, you suggesting therapy is coming from a place of recognizing she needs more help than you can give, NOT of wanting to shed yourself of the problem. Continue to offer her love and support and a caring ear, but recognize that these are complex problems you don't necessarily have the right toolkit to solve. By suggesting therapy, rather than taking away her only resource (you), you are adding an additional resource (therapist). I think maybe you feel some guilt that you can't solve the problem, or just sadness for her terrible situation, but don't let that stop you from helping her pursue a financially feasible therapy arrangement.
posted by bunnycup at 8:47 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

but I am having serious problems with this because I feel like I am giving up, or that I am hopeless with respect to helping her with this major life issue.

You may in fact be hopeless. That's okay.

And I mean "hopeless" in the sense of you not being a trained therapist, not you being a terrible partner. You sound like a great partner. But it's very difficult to help someone through tough emotional stuff sometimes if you're too close to the situation and too close to them. When my mom died, I went (back) into therapy; my girlfriend at the time was a trained counselor and a close friend was also a counselor. The close friend gave me recommendations for good therapists and my girlfriend hugged me and took care of me (made me eat and stuff) and that is the best help they could have given.

Having someone you love die brings up all kinds of ancient stuff that may or may not have anything to do with the death itself (in my experience), and a good therapist can help the person sort out what can and should be dealt with, and can offer perspective in a way that someone who really loves the person grieving just can't. It's not failure; it's just how things go sometimes.

I have known non-therapists who did co-counseling (a sort of mutual therapy) with their partners, but that also takes a level of training or experience, and your communication skills and boundaries should be really, really good. Honestly, it's not a thing I would start when the other person is grieving.

Don't know where you are, but google your city/town + grief therapy and see what pops up; there are likely groups, which may be free or cheap, and many therapists offer services on a sliding scale. I take it from your question that she can't contribute financially to the cost of therapy at all? If that's because she can't work due to emotional/psychological difficulties, that's another reason for therapy right there.
posted by rtha at 8:48 AM on July 24, 2009

Admitting to not knowing how to do something is one of most capable things a person can do.
posted by lampoil at 8:52 AM on July 24, 2009 [3 favorites]

Just listen. You don't have to fix her problems. Just hear her out and comfort her. But a therapist might be able to help her come up with some strategies for dealing with her family's past and present weirdness. Suggesting this is not giving up. It's wanting her to have the best resources at her disposal: a great partner and a competent therapist are two awesome but different things.

Anecdotally: because I was (unintentionally) relying on him for everything, my husband suffered an awful lot for the two+ years I waffled about whether I should seek help for my "issues." I should have, I did, and I'm much better. But he bore the brunt of my depression for the first two years of our married life. We both would've been better off--and I would have been no less loved or cared for by my wonderful partner--if I'd sought out talk therapy/sweet sweet Lexapro at an earlier date.

You sound like a good person. She's lucky to have you.
posted by Neofelis at 8:54 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

If my girlfriend wanted the hall knocking through into the kitchen she could ask but if she persuaded me she would end up with a botch job, it makes more sense for her to get a builder in. I might try but I'm not an expert. The house would be better for having one involved.
posted by biffa at 8:55 AM on July 24, 2009

The cost issue is real, and I wish other people had good ideas for handling it. I don't have any experience there to offer you.

However, it sounds like she feels guilty about talking to you about it, even though you listen willingly. Maybe it would help (as a money-free approach) if you set aside some time when she was just *supposed* to talk to you about her this stuff. When the time is up, you both do something else (maybe fun), and she doesn't apologize, because this is not only your gift to her (and to each other), but because her apologizing makes you feel sad.

Bonus if you also work in some time when she listens to you. Maybe less time if you're not as upset.

I've heard of studies which have shown that just talking about things can be substantially helpful. I believe this.

And now, I like my own idea so much I think I'll see if I can talk my dude into doing it with me.
posted by amtho at 9:18 AM on July 24, 2009

years ago i had a friend who was going through a lot of things (new job, new city, boyfriend who moved back to europe and with whom she was arguing on the phone all the time, etc). i listened and offered sympathy and whatever—at the six month mark i had started to suggest she see a therapist who would be more able to offer her something that a friend with a sympathetic ear couldn't. she never did, and a year on, i finally had to insist that she see a professional or stop talking to me about the same things night after night bc it was obvious things weren't getting better and just having someone to listen wasn't helping—and i found myself lacking the patience to continue to do so.

at a certain point, you need to recognize that there is only so much you can do for another person and that suggesting that they see someone who is more qualified than you to help them work through their problems isn't giving up on them, but further example that you care about their well-being. you can listen and be there for her, but it's not your job to fix her—that's her responsibility. otherwise, it could be a year (or more) on and neither you nor her have moved forward from this.
posted by violetk at 9:32 AM on July 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

Well, you make it sound like therapy isn't even going to be possible: if she's on Medicaid or other state-funded healthcare that doesn't cover it, and neither of you have the money to pay for a private therapist, I'm going to go ahead and say that telling her to go to therapy when it's not in the realm of possibility is probably not the best thing to do. She obviously feels guilty about unloading some of her unresolved feelings about her family on you (she keeps apologizing about it), and I'm guessing a request that she talk to a therapist is going to shut her up right quick from talking to you about this stuff any more. If there's no therapist in the picture when you make this request, that might mean not talking to anyone about this stuff, which is probably much worse than you "stepping on an emotional landmine" while talking about it with her.

I agree with the people above that therapy is the first-best solution. If that's a nonstarter for financial reasons, is it possible for you to do some of the legwork to find low- or no-cost support groups or grief counseling in your area that she could use? I think the only way you can really make this request without causing her more stress/grief is to: (1) have the pamphlets or phone number in hand when suggesting that she talk to someone else, and (2) reassure her that you want her to keep talking to you and confiding in you, and that this is just to give her some additional help and perspective.

I think you should also cut yourself a little slack in terms of thinking that you need to "fix" her. Your language in this question makes it sound like you're uncomfortable just letting her process the feelings and experiences from childhood that this death has brought up--like you feel a bit uncomfortable if you can't solve something or make her pain stop. You can't, and even if you could, I doubt it would be a good thing--coping with a death takes time. Whether or not you're able to find a way for her to get into therapy, I think maybe it would be helpful for you to do a little reading or research into the stages of grief so you feel a little less helpless watching someone you love in pain. Sometimes what people need is their loved ones to just be *with* them while they process this stuff; while therapy is almost always helpful, I don't think it's always necessary (obviously I'm not talking about true mental illness here, just about dealing-with-major-life-events pain). You're probably better equipped to be a supportive shoulder than you give yourself credit for.
posted by iminurmefi at 9:38 AM on July 24, 2009

By suggesting therapy you are doing exactly the opposite of giving up on her. You're not a professional. So nthing pretty much all of the above.

Depending on where you live, cheap or free therapy may be available to you. In pdx there's outside/in, among others. Search past posts...or google.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:51 AM on July 24, 2009

Just listen. You don't have to fix her problems. Just hear her out and comfort her.

This. When she complains about a problem, she isn't necessarily asking you for a solution. Often I am just venting or maybe letting my boyfriend know that I am upset and why. This can be frustrating as the listener, but what the complainer may need is just some commiseration and acknowledgment of their issue.

I'm willing to listen to her tell me about them, but I don't have any constructive input at this point.
You don't need to have constructive input to be a good supportive listener. Helping her in other ways can alleviate stress for her and give her energy to deal with her problems herself.

I don't think you'd be out of line suggesting therapy to her, and since there are some financial hurdles to that, maybe you could work together to find a support group that she likes.
posted by soelo at 10:09 AM on July 24, 2009

Even if you were a professional clinician you would still refer her to a colleague because of the nature of your relationship.
posted by The Straightener at 10:31 AM on July 24, 2009

I grew up with the same mindset you have and I realize now I have done huge damage by taking on roles I'm not equipped to handle or trained for. I thought I was equipped by virture of caring so much but I was not.

Also, when you take on a role besides partner or peer, it can really screw your relationship up in ways you don't even realize until much later.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:38 AM on July 24, 2009

As everyone else has said, you're not giving up on her by suggesting therapy. You love her and want her to get the help she needs, and if you're unable to provide all of that help, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Just tell her that you love her, that you're there for her to talk to whenever she needs it, but tell her that she may want impartial help as well, something that you cannot provide. Good luck :)
posted by neewom at 10:57 AM on July 24, 2009

You wouldn't be asking us, "am I letting my girlfriend down by taking her to the doctor instead of fixing her broken bone myself?" That's because you know that a doctor is specially trained to fix that particular problem, and you aren't.

This is the same thing. The average layman can be of some help it comes to helping a loved one with emotional problems, but sometimes you need to call in the experts. That's all that's happening here.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:05 AM on July 24, 2009

I'm a psychotherapist, so not surprisingly I echo others' comments about the reasons to support your girlfriend in seeking therapy for herself.

I'm chiming in here because I'm aware of several options for working around the financial barriers: 1) depending on where you live, there may be special state funding for MH care even if her regular state-funded healthcare plan doesn't cover it. In NC where I live/ practice, now is the best time to pursue special state-funded care since it's the beginning of the new fiscal year and the funds haven't run out. 2) there are probably therapists around who would either see her for free or for a sliding-scale (low) fee. Many therapists in private practice have a small group of clients who pay nothing or a very reduced rate. I'm a LCSW, but I know psychologists, LPC's, LMFT's, etc who also do this for clients. 3) there may be free or reduced-cost therapy services available for her through an agency with social work/ psychology/ counseling students who will receive professional supervision and support in their work.

Good luck!
posted by Gooly at 11:14 AM on July 24, 2009

Do not ever try to be your significant other's psychologist. It corrupts the relationship and causes some serious problems.
posted by Electrius at 12:55 PM on July 24, 2009

If a person keeps going over some same emotional territory, and makes little or no progress with whatever it is about it that's bothering them, that's a good time to think about getting extra support. If you don't know how to solve a problem you need to look for someone who does. If you refuse to help your girlfriend change a tire you're a dick; if you're unable to help her repair her transmission it just means you're not a mechanic.
posted by nanojath at 2:05 PM on July 24, 2009

For low cost therapy, try a nearby university (if there is one). At Ohio State, the Marriage and Family Therapy graduate students had a clinic where they saw people for low/no cost. When I needed therapy and had no money, I found a number in the phone book, told them I needed help and was broke and they saw me for $40 a session. Seems kind of like a lot but I REALLY needed the help. I saw that therapist for several years with more or less frequency, with and without insurance. She was incredibly flexible and I suspect you would be able to find someone that will work with your GF's situation.

I was also working through a death and family relationships and therapy seriously helped me move forward. I would never expect my SO to have the tools to help me through the incredible grief I felt/still feel. But, I expect a certain level of understanding from my SO around the situation. For example: my dad died and if there are touching father/child moments in a movie or tv show I am going to cry. My SO knows to hold my hand, not to make fun, and that he doesn't have to talk to me about my feelings.

Besides therapy, what has helped me is to write in a journal, make art work about my family (may not work for all), and strangely enough, read memoirs about death. CS Lewis "A Grief Observed" was very moving. YMMV. There is something about the commonality of grief that comforts me and it may not work in this situation. Also, running or biking long distances has helped. There are many times I cry while I run (weird, I know) because I can finally let all the bad feelings go.

You are not bad for not having the tools/training to handle this. Keep listening, not trying to fix, if you can ask questions that are open ended that would be bonus. Good luck!
posted by rachums at 8:14 PM on July 24, 2009

Others have replied adequately above, but I wanted to add a concrete suggestion; when my girlfriend recently had a course of CBT, after every session the therapist would post a CD recording to her, then we would listen to it together. This helped me be involved in the therapy process and understand what she was going through. So if you do decide to suggest therapy, you could see if recording the sessions would be possible. My experience was in the UK, so sorry I can't make any suggestions re. the cost.
posted by primer_dimer at 6:05 AM on July 25, 2009

You absolutely are NOT giving up on her by suggesting therapy. In fact, it's a very mature stance to take when you can realize that you want to help but that it's beyond what you are able to handle yourself. You can continue to be supportive, and help her in enormous ways, by sticking with her through it, by encouraging her to find therapy, and helping her to figure out a therapist that works well for her. You can even participate in the therapy in an adjunct role (occasionally joining therapy sessions) if you, she, and the therapist feel that is helpful.

My point is, if she needs therapy, the greatest help you can provide her is to facilitate it. That's not giving up on her -- that's stepping up and doing the best you possibly can for her. You keep supporting her at home, but go beyond that and assist her with getting the help she needs.
You might consider actively helping in the search for a therapist. Help call around, screen people, ask about pricing, etc.

With regards to money, talk to the therapists. Many will offer a sliding scale for those with fewer means. And in general, a non physician will be cheaper, and in fact, better suited to these sorts of issues.

Lastly, group therapy is one of the most helpful treatments for grief reactions. It's quite likely you'll have a number of free, or at least low-cost, support groups nearby. That could be enormously helpful to her in itself, or combined with individual therapy. You might try contacting local hospitals -- they would know a lot about grief resources in the area.

Best of luck to you and her, and wishing you both support in this difficult time.
posted by davidnc at 6:11 AM on July 25, 2009