Patching Over Things
July 23, 2009 8:32 AM Subscribe
Brainstorming filter: ideas on properly appreciative ways to returning a borrowed book to once-a-friend and ways to salvage our friendship?
Due to unrelated distractions stemming from issues in my personal life, I moved out of town and out of touch abruptly with a friend.
This friend reached out to re-establish contact a few years later, and we exchanged a few emails, but the same personal distraction reared its head, I missed my turn in responding and we lost contact again for the last 5 years.
Now it's been 7-8 yrs since I've seen him last.
We moved in the same circle while hiking and rock climbing in SF, and did a lot of that on weekends together for a few years. I like and respect him -- he's a generous and considerate toward others, a contemplative thinker.
I'd like to salvage this friendship. I'm settled in the east coast for the moment. I have reached out on Facebook recently(which I think was the wrong move- should have searched for his email address and written directly), and though he added me as a friend, he hasn't personally written back to me. Strike one.
So I borrowed a climbing how-to book from him 8-9 yrs ago. I know he has since purchased a more recent edition for his copy, and was planning to use the copy he lent me as a "loaner" for his friends when I return them. I would like to use this as an excuse to help smooth things over.
Please help brainstorm:
1)properly appreciative ways to returning a borrowed book to once-a-friend?
2)ways to salvage our friendship?
He is a computer engineer with interests in outdoors(hiking, mountaineering, rock climbing, traveling, photography)
Due to unrelated distractions stemming from issues in my personal life, I moved out of town and out of touch abruptly with a friend.
This friend reached out to re-establish contact a few years later, and we exchanged a few emails, but the same personal distraction reared its head, I missed my turn in responding and we lost contact again for the last 5 years.
Now it's been 7-8 yrs since I've seen him last.
We moved in the same circle while hiking and rock climbing in SF, and did a lot of that on weekends together for a few years. I like and respect him -- he's a generous and considerate toward others, a contemplative thinker.
I'd like to salvage this friendship. I'm settled in the east coast for the moment. I have reached out on Facebook recently(which I think was the wrong move- should have searched for his email address and written directly), and though he added me as a friend, he hasn't personally written back to me. Strike one.
So I borrowed a climbing how-to book from him 8-9 yrs ago. I know he has since purchased a more recent edition for his copy, and was planning to use the copy he lent me as a "loaner" for his friends when I return them. I would like to use this as an excuse to help smooth things over.
Please help brainstorm:
1)properly appreciative ways to returning a borrowed book to once-a-friend?
2)ways to salvage our friendship?
He is a computer engineer with interests in outdoors(hiking, mountaineering, rock climbing, traveling, photography)
Best answer: It's entirely possible that he didn't write back because he was just busy, and becuase it's been a while. It may not be that he's angry.
If you really, really want to return the book, even though you know he's gotten an updated copy, maybe you could get another book by the same author and include it? You know, if you're talking about a climbing "how to" book, maybe if the author wrote an overview of his favorite hiking sites or whatever?
Or if you want ideas for "companion" books, look up the book in question on Amazon and see what Amazon matches it with for "purchase these books together and save" deals. Then get him whatever that companion book is.
Whatever you do, just give things time, and be prepared for it just not working out. He may not bear you any ill will, it may simply be that seven years have elapsed and people just change, and things just may shake down with you both in different personal places right now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:39 AM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you really, really want to return the book, even though you know he's gotten an updated copy, maybe you could get another book by the same author and include it? You know, if you're talking about a climbing "how to" book, maybe if the author wrote an overview of his favorite hiking sites or whatever?
Or if you want ideas for "companion" books, look up the book in question on Amazon and see what Amazon matches it with for "purchase these books together and save" deals. Then get him whatever that companion book is.
Whatever you do, just give things time, and be prepared for it just not working out. He may not bear you any ill will, it may simply be that seven years have elapsed and people just change, and things just may shake down with you both in different personal places right now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:39 AM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
have reached out on Facebook recently(which I think was the wrong move- should have searched for his email address and written directly), and though he added me as a friend, he hasn't personally written back to me. Strike one.
I frequently include a little greeting when I send someone a friend request, and rarely hear back despite the person accepting my request. I don't assume it has any meaning, just that they clicked "accept" without thinking to write back.
Call or e-mail him directly and explain that you feel bad about losing touch, and that you still have that book he lent you, and how can you return it to him? If he's upset, he'll let you know. But more likely, he's been doing his own thing and isn't harboring resentment about an e-mail correspondence fading away.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:50 AM on July 23, 2009
I frequently include a little greeting when I send someone a friend request, and rarely hear back despite the person accepting my request. I don't assume it has any meaning, just that they clicked "accept" without thinking to write back.
Call or e-mail him directly and explain that you feel bad about losing touch, and that you still have that book he lent you, and how can you return it to him? If he's upset, he'll let you know. But more likely, he's been doing his own thing and isn't harboring resentment about an e-mail correspondence fading away.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:50 AM on July 23, 2009
The really silly thing about Facebook friend requests is that the little message you include disappears into the ether as soon as you hit accept. It's not in your inbox, or anywhere else. And if he saw your name and hit accept without thinking, then there would be no other reminder anywhere for him to reply to you.
I've lost contact with plenty of people and rekindled it after years, and rarely has there been resentment on either side. People get busy, and lose track of things. I think you're overthinking it. Just send a brief emailing explaining you'd like to get back in contact.
posted by Phire at 8:59 AM on July 23, 2009
I've lost contact with plenty of people and rekindled it after years, and rarely has there been resentment on either side. People get busy, and lose track of things. I think you're overthinking it. Just send a brief emailing explaining you'd like to get back in contact.
posted by Phire at 8:59 AM on July 23, 2009
Best answer: I would return the book, and knowing that he is going to lend it to others, inscribe something complementary and or meaningful about your friend, showing your appreciation both of his friendship and for the loan of the book.
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:31 AM on July 23, 2009
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:31 AM on July 23, 2009
Best answer: I have a friend like you. I was the one who kept reaching out to her, and she was the one who kept fading out. After awhile, I came to the conclusion that this is just how she operates. Now I don’t put any effort into our friendship; we are “friends” on Facebook but rarely communicate. And that’s ok by both of us. I don’t feel let down because I have no expectations, and she continues with her life as usual. Perhaps, based on his experience, this is how your friend now views your friendship. Before you try to change the situation, I think you should ask yourself if you yourself have changed or if you will simply keep repeating an established pattern.
If you do feel you’ll be able to give more to the friendship now, then I would say write him a short letter outlining what you’ve told us here. Include it with the book along with another new book as a gesture of good faith (because I doubt that he had expected you’d have his book for 9 years). After that the ball is in his court. Don’t be put off if he doesn’t respond as you hope; as others have said, people change and things get busy. He may have just moved on.
posted by yawper at 12:40 PM on July 23, 2009
If you do feel you’ll be able to give more to the friendship now, then I would say write him a short letter outlining what you’ve told us here. Include it with the book along with another new book as a gesture of good faith (because I doubt that he had expected you’d have his book for 9 years). After that the ball is in his court. Don’t be put off if he doesn’t respond as you hope; as others have said, people change and things get busy. He may have just moved on.
posted by yawper at 12:40 PM on July 23, 2009
Response by poster: Thanks everybody, for the reality check - I will keep in mind that the current state of things may just be and stay what it is. Yes, he may not harbor much feelings on this. Problem is, I do- I feel awfully guilty.
To clarify, I sent a brief note with my Facebook message, then after he added me without writing back, I sent a more detailed email directly to him, briefly updating and briefly commenting on news I've read on his page. It's been a few days.
So what would be a fluid yet creative way to return this book that would perhaps re-energize the friendship? A whimsical note, or a thoughtful gift to include to say thanks, and oops- sorry for keeping this so long. Fedex it? Show up with it in the fall when I am in town? etc.
posted by hedonic.muse at 3:29 PM on July 23, 2009
To clarify, I sent a brief note with my Facebook message, then after he added me without writing back, I sent a more detailed email directly to him, briefly updating and briefly commenting on news I've read on his page. It's been a few days.
So what would be a fluid yet creative way to return this book that would perhaps re-energize the friendship? A whimsical note, or a thoughtful gift to include to say thanks, and oops- sorry for keeping this so long. Fedex it? Show up with it in the fall when I am in town? etc.
posted by hedonic.muse at 3:29 PM on July 23, 2009
Response by poster: EmpressCallipygos :
I like the idea of searching for a companion book, but without access to list of books in his current collection... so I thought about including a small Amazon or REI gift card, in small enough amount ($25? $50?$100?) that it isn't too burdensome to receive...but $ and friendship ??
OHenryPacey:
I like the idea of inscribe something complementary and or meaningful about him too, but unauthorized defacing of the book...?? Perhaps I need to think of a way that it can be semi-permanent, so that he has the option of removing, or keeping it in. Maybe include a thoughtful customized bookmark?
posted by hedonic.muse at 3:42 PM on July 23, 2009
I like the idea of searching for a companion book, but without access to list of books in his current collection... so I thought about including a small Amazon or REI gift card, in small enough amount ($25? $50?$100?) that it isn't too burdensome to receive...but $ and friendship ??
OHenryPacey:
I like the idea of inscribe something complementary and or meaningful about him too, but unauthorized defacing of the book...?? Perhaps I need to think of a way that it can be semi-permanent, so that he has the option of removing, or keeping it in. Maybe include a thoughtful customized bookmark?
posted by hedonic.muse at 3:42 PM on July 23, 2009
Some people just suck ass at Facebook. I am one of those people. Hit me up on Twitter and you'll get a response within an hour (if I'm awake). Send me a FB message and you'll probably have to wait to see me in person before I respond.
posted by desjardins at 3:43 PM on July 23, 2009
posted by desjardins at 3:43 PM on July 23, 2009
Response by poster: ah...twitter. Didn't think to look there. Don't think he's the type though.
posted by hedonic.muse at 3:56 PM on July 23, 2009
posted by hedonic.muse at 3:56 PM on July 23, 2009
Best answer: Don't think about it too much, it will blow your proportions. Fedex the book, along with another book and a letter explaining your feelings. Wrap it nicely, send it and leave the ball in his court. Then you can relax and feel you've done the best you can do without forcing the issue. I'd say give it a month, if you still haven't heard from him send him an email. If he doesn't respond to that, he just might be over it.
Good luck.
posted by wild like kudzu at 9:44 PM on July 23, 2009
Good luck.
posted by wild like kudzu at 9:44 PM on July 23, 2009
I like the idea of searching for a companion book, but without access to list of books in his current collection...
I wasn't clear, then; do you know how when you look up a book on Amazon, they sometimes have on the page you're looking at, a promotional deal where they suggest a second book, and say "if you get THIS book you're looking at plus this other book, you can save ten bucks"? Wait, look here: look about halfway down the page where they say "Frequently bought together."
I looked up Confederacy of Dunces and they suggested A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius to go with it. That's what I mean -- that you look up the book you borrowed from him on Amazon, strictly to see what their "Frequently Bought Together" pairing is. Then, whatever they pair it with, you only buy THAT book. (I'd be getting A Heartbreaking Work alone in this instance, is what I mean.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:34 AM on July 24, 2009
I wasn't clear, then; do you know how when you look up a book on Amazon, they sometimes have on the page you're looking at, a promotional deal where they suggest a second book, and say "if you get THIS book you're looking at plus this other book, you can save ten bucks"? Wait, look here: look about halfway down the page where they say "Frequently bought together."
I looked up Confederacy of Dunces and they suggested A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius to go with it. That's what I mean -- that you look up the book you borrowed from him on Amazon, strictly to see what their "Frequently Bought Together" pairing is. Then, whatever they pair it with, you only buy THAT book. (I'd be getting A Heartbreaking Work alone in this instance, is what I mean.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:34 AM on July 24, 2009
Response by poster: EmpressCallipygos: I understood what you were suggesting. I was remarking that since he has a fairly extensive collection of books in his library, I wouldn't put it past him to already own these other "frequently bought together" books, and have no way of verifying if he does or not.
Still perhaps it's the gesture that counts, so perhaps I may do that anyway. A thoughtful note of thanks, a token book/item to add to his collection, & Fedex. Hope for the best.
Thanks everyone.
posted by hedonic.muse at 12:54 PM on July 24, 2009
Still perhaps it's the gesture that counts, so perhaps I may do that anyway. A thoughtful note of thanks, a token book/item to add to his collection, & Fedex. Hope for the best.
Thanks everyone.
posted by hedonic.muse at 12:54 PM on July 24, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by desjardins at 8:39 AM on July 23, 2009