Unable to connect with anyone
July 22, 2009 6:28 PM Subscribe
I have a problem that has been stuck with me for as long as I can remember. I can't connect personally with anyone I meet at all -- I don't think it's a matter of bad social skills, but more of a matter of not really having any common interests...but I'm not sure about that either, which is why I'm here.
After many years of making friends and losing them without ever really feeling like I connected with any throughout middle school to college, it began to occur to me that I may have a problem.
I've never had a problem with not being social -- I smile a lot, I genuinely care for others and even inconvenience myself for them often, and I always make it a point to greet people I meet and get to know them a bit. The main problem seems to come after I meet people -- I can't connect any further than the acquaintance level because of my lack of interests.
I'm not really into music...I barely know any artists or bands by name, or even any songs for that matter. I haven't watched TV since I started high school, and though I enjoy playing sports, I have no interest in watching them. I'm not interested in cars much, as long as it runs and allows me to move from one location to another, it's good enough for me. And to top it off, I'm gay, and pretty much every person I met has been straight.
This leaves me with little to no small-talk material, I can't talk about sports, cars, celebrities, not even about girls with other guys. I can't talk about my social life because I don't have one. After breaking out of a long depression that started with me discovering I was gay and losing some of my memory, I now find myself as 22 years old with no seeming direction, no interests or goals, no motivation, and no friends. It seems it's this lack of drive that's making me uninteresting to other people -- they can't talk to me about anything, and I don't seem to have opinions on almost anything. It's almost like I'm a blank sheet a paper. Normally, friends share parts of their lives with each other...if I have nothing to share, how can I be anyone's friend?
The question is: What's the real problem? Is my main problem:
1) Being a bad conversationalist?
or
2) Having an uninteresting personality/No drive?
If I'm a bad conversationalist, which I really don't think I am, then I could fix that with simple practice and continually being in social situations.
If the problem is my personality, then I have a lot to work on, and I don't know where or how to start. That's probably grounds for a different discussion for another time.
In social group settings, I'm usually just "there", and I make a comment here and there, but I really add nothing to the conversation. I know I'm not the only one who thinks this -- no matter what group of friends it was, people would always forget to invite me to things all the time, which testifies to how much of a ghost I am. Nobody dislikes me, but...nobody really would care if I wasn't there, since I don't change anything.
If it's a more personal setting, like just hanging out one-on-one, I generally end up with a blank mind after the first few minutes of conversation and can only converse if people bring up topics to talk about.
Your input is appreciated. This is a situation I've been trying to get out of for years -- I get depressed when I'm alone because I have no goals or motivation, and I get depressed when I'm with my "friends" because I feel like an alien. After searching through other sites that offer advice and the like, I've found the discussion here at Meta seems deeper than at crap like Yahoo Answers, so I hope to have a good discussion with you all.
After many years of making friends and losing them without ever really feeling like I connected with any throughout middle school to college, it began to occur to me that I may have a problem.
I've never had a problem with not being social -- I smile a lot, I genuinely care for others and even inconvenience myself for them often, and I always make it a point to greet people I meet and get to know them a bit. The main problem seems to come after I meet people -- I can't connect any further than the acquaintance level because of my lack of interests.
I'm not really into music...I barely know any artists or bands by name, or even any songs for that matter. I haven't watched TV since I started high school, and though I enjoy playing sports, I have no interest in watching them. I'm not interested in cars much, as long as it runs and allows me to move from one location to another, it's good enough for me. And to top it off, I'm gay, and pretty much every person I met has been straight.
This leaves me with little to no small-talk material, I can't talk about sports, cars, celebrities, not even about girls with other guys. I can't talk about my social life because I don't have one. After breaking out of a long depression that started with me discovering I was gay and losing some of my memory, I now find myself as 22 years old with no seeming direction, no interests or goals, no motivation, and no friends. It seems it's this lack of drive that's making me uninteresting to other people -- they can't talk to me about anything, and I don't seem to have opinions on almost anything. It's almost like I'm a blank sheet a paper. Normally, friends share parts of their lives with each other...if I have nothing to share, how can I be anyone's friend?
The question is: What's the real problem? Is my main problem:
1) Being a bad conversationalist?
or
2) Having an uninteresting personality/No drive?
If I'm a bad conversationalist, which I really don't think I am, then I could fix that with simple practice and continually being in social situations.
If the problem is my personality, then I have a lot to work on, and I don't know where or how to start. That's probably grounds for a different discussion for another time.
In social group settings, I'm usually just "there", and I make a comment here and there, but I really add nothing to the conversation. I know I'm not the only one who thinks this -- no matter what group of friends it was, people would always forget to invite me to things all the time, which testifies to how much of a ghost I am. Nobody dislikes me, but...nobody really would care if I wasn't there, since I don't change anything.
If it's a more personal setting, like just hanging out one-on-one, I generally end up with a blank mind after the first few minutes of conversation and can only converse if people bring up topics to talk about.
Your input is appreciated. This is a situation I've been trying to get out of for years -- I get depressed when I'm alone because I have no goals or motivation, and I get depressed when I'm with my "friends" because I feel like an alien. After searching through other sites that offer advice and the like, I've found the discussion here at Meta seems deeper than at crap like Yahoo Answers, so I hope to have a good discussion with you all.
I'm really sorry you feel this way. Please don't think you have "nothing to share," I doubt that's true for anyone. And you mentioned breaking out of a long depression, but is it possible you're still depressed? The way you're talking about yourself--that no one cares if you're around or not, that you have no passion for anything--seems to suggest it. If therapy interests you, it may help you work through some issues and get used to opening up to someone and talking about yourself.
Also, I think a lot of people who are on the shy side are sometimes at a loss for conversation topics. This is something that can be worked on and I think there have been other questions posted about this topic. Lastly, you name a lot of things you aren't interested in, but there is of course more to talk about than celebrities, cars, and girls...what about current events? Do you keep up with news? Reading about various world events might help you form opinions on things...then again, being able to see many sides of an issue is also good. Is your job something you could talk about with other people? Are you at all interested in food, movies, pets, the outdoors, etc.?
posted by janerica at 6:48 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, I think a lot of people who are on the shy side are sometimes at a loss for conversation topics. This is something that can be worked on and I think there have been other questions posted about this topic. Lastly, you name a lot of things you aren't interested in, but there is of course more to talk about than celebrities, cars, and girls...what about current events? Do you keep up with news? Reading about various world events might help you form opinions on things...then again, being able to see many sides of an issue is also good. Is your job something you could talk about with other people? Are you at all interested in food, movies, pets, the outdoors, etc.?
posted by janerica at 6:48 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you're not comfortable with yourself. Someone who is comfortable with him/herself is able to be more than merely "there" in a conversation. I used to feel the way you do, when I was younger. I was painfully insecure around people I didn't know well. When I became more confident this problem pretty much vanished.
posted by jayder at 6:49 PM on July 22, 2009
posted by jayder at 6:49 PM on July 22, 2009
Echoing jayder, I would wonder if the problem is more that you think that you have nothing interesting to say.
What are you interested in? It doesn't have to be something that lots of people are commonly interested in like cars or celebrities.
posted by grouse at 6:58 PM on July 22, 2009
What are you interested in? It doesn't have to be something that lots of people are commonly interested in like cars or celebrities.
posted by grouse at 6:58 PM on July 22, 2009
The question is: What's the real problem?
Well, I don't know you in real life so take it with a grain of salt, but from what you describe, I would agree that it's difficult to connect with other people if you don't have anything to talk about, and that requires interests -- shared or not. I have some friendships that are, to be honest, a chore to keep up simply because I share so few interests with those people, but the friendships persist because they're quite nice people. I could not keep this up if I did not see these people so infrequently, because there is no real connection between us. And those people have actual interests to at least fill the conversation with. I try to imagine being friends with someone with no interests and I don't know how I would do it, much less connect with them.
There's absolutely nothing that interests you? No books, no academic subjects, no philosophical problems... nothing? Certainly, it would improve your quality of life in many regards to simply find interests. I recognize it's difficult to pursue or feel excited about anything when depressed, and that it's a bit of a cycle, so consider therapy to get more helpful advice on that front.
posted by Nattie at 7:04 PM on July 22, 2009
Well, I don't know you in real life so take it with a grain of salt, but from what you describe, I would agree that it's difficult to connect with other people if you don't have anything to talk about, and that requires interests -- shared or not. I have some friendships that are, to be honest, a chore to keep up simply because I share so few interests with those people, but the friendships persist because they're quite nice people. I could not keep this up if I did not see these people so infrequently, because there is no real connection between us. And those people have actual interests to at least fill the conversation with. I try to imagine being friends with someone with no interests and I don't know how I would do it, much less connect with them.
There's absolutely nothing that interests you? No books, no academic subjects, no philosophical problems... nothing? Certainly, it would improve your quality of life in many regards to simply find interests. I recognize it's difficult to pursue or feel excited about anything when depressed, and that it's a bit of a cycle, so consider therapy to get more helpful advice on that front.
posted by Nattie at 7:04 PM on July 22, 2009
You make it sound like you do nothing. Surely you do something. I bet you do lots of things. Cool things. If it's interesting to you, it will be interesting to someone else.
Also, some of the best conversationalists I know are observers of the world around them. It's not about what's new in pop culture, but what is occurring around you at the moment. Wry observations, conjuring of nostalgic memories and insightful comments are fabulous.
posted by jabberjaw at 7:09 PM on July 22, 2009
Also, some of the best conversationalists I know are observers of the world around them. It's not about what's new in pop culture, but what is occurring around you at the moment. Wry observations, conjuring of nostalgic memories and insightful comments are fabulous.
posted by jabberjaw at 7:09 PM on July 22, 2009
Best answer: I actually don't know anyone who sits around talking about sports, cars, celebrities, etc. It sounds like you're either spending time around people who are a bit shallow, or making assumptions about what people are 'supposed to' talk about. Either way, you could try giving people the benefit of the doubt - maybe approach a conversation as an exercise in trying to find something interesting about the person you're talking to, rather than worrying about impressing them with your conversational skills. The benefit to that is that people generally enjoy talking about themselves, and will probably come away thinking you're brilliant.
And I do think the main problem is that you don't feel like you're interested in anything. What do you do when you're on your own? Read? Watch tv? Go for walks? Mess around on the internet? Make stuff? Unless you're sitting in an empty room staring at a wall, there's something that you're choosing to do with your time, and that counts as an interest. What do you think about when you're walking down the street, eating lunch, working, etc? Most likely you're people-watching, noticing little bits of things about the world around you, musing about something you've read, and so forth, and all of that is fair game for conversation. Talking to other people is about sharing your experience of the world, it doesn't have to be anything more than that.
posted by Fifi Firefox at 7:14 PM on July 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
And I do think the main problem is that you don't feel like you're interested in anything. What do you do when you're on your own? Read? Watch tv? Go for walks? Mess around on the internet? Make stuff? Unless you're sitting in an empty room staring at a wall, there's something that you're choosing to do with your time, and that counts as an interest. What do you think about when you're walking down the street, eating lunch, working, etc? Most likely you're people-watching, noticing little bits of things about the world around you, musing about something you've read, and so forth, and all of that is fair game for conversation. Talking to other people is about sharing your experience of the world, it doesn't have to be anything more than that.
posted by Fifi Firefox at 7:14 PM on July 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
It doesn't help that small talk really is inherently boring as hell; we're expected to be able to do it, to some extent.
I have this issue as well, both as something I've always felt to some extent as well as a problem that's been compounded by gaps in feeling present at all due to deep depression. I think, perhaps, that for me it may be a matter of wanting so much to please other people, or at least not annoy them, that my mind goes into a sort of blank-slate state when I'm trying to interact socially with someone whom I might like, preparatory to absorbing everything it can about them so that my behavior can adapt to how I think they're most likely to want me to be. All of my opinions, arguments, idiosyncracies, and wants have a tendency to just fade into the background, subsumed by the overriding desire not to offend. My few close friends have been people I either didn't like at all when I first met them, or ones with whom I collaborated on something difficult. Both types of situations help me to avoid this problem, but I have had to be actively willing to put myself in those situations. Also, once you get past the years of being in school when activities and social groups are something more frequently inflicted upon you than something you choose, interests- and interest in interests- are things that you have to hunt down and sample on your own. Once you have learned to deal with your depression (in whatever form dealing may take) which probably has drained away most of what you knew as a kid about how to enjoy life, go after that enjoyment in any way you can. What affects you, thrills you, infuriates you, sickens you, makes you shiver? When you feel yourself reacting to something, explore that feeling and that something to its source and to the extent of its possibilities.
It should go without saying, but: therapy, to explore what thought processes might be behind your difficulty in connecting. And: involve yourself in activities that require you to focus on some purpose apart from pure socializing, such as cast or crew for community theatre, Habitat for Humanity, language conversation groups, the less generic pickup sports such as ultimate frisbee, or activism. Especially good if you're able to get involved with something that has you solving problems as part of a team- doesn't matter what sort of problems, as it's the working through them that will help you share more of the person you really are- or just feel like being at the time- and bond with others as their own barriers against connection are set aside in order to accomplish the common goal.
posted by notquitemaryann at 7:25 PM on July 22, 2009 [8 favorites]
I have this issue as well, both as something I've always felt to some extent as well as a problem that's been compounded by gaps in feeling present at all due to deep depression. I think, perhaps, that for me it may be a matter of wanting so much to please other people, or at least not annoy them, that my mind goes into a sort of blank-slate state when I'm trying to interact socially with someone whom I might like, preparatory to absorbing everything it can about them so that my behavior can adapt to how I think they're most likely to want me to be. All of my opinions, arguments, idiosyncracies, and wants have a tendency to just fade into the background, subsumed by the overriding desire not to offend. My few close friends have been people I either didn't like at all when I first met them, or ones with whom I collaborated on something difficult. Both types of situations help me to avoid this problem, but I have had to be actively willing to put myself in those situations. Also, once you get past the years of being in school when activities and social groups are something more frequently inflicted upon you than something you choose, interests- and interest in interests- are things that you have to hunt down and sample on your own. Once you have learned to deal with your depression (in whatever form dealing may take) which probably has drained away most of what you knew as a kid about how to enjoy life, go after that enjoyment in any way you can. What affects you, thrills you, infuriates you, sickens you, makes you shiver? When you feel yourself reacting to something, explore that feeling and that something to its source and to the extent of its possibilities.
It should go without saying, but: therapy, to explore what thought processes might be behind your difficulty in connecting. And: involve yourself in activities that require you to focus on some purpose apart from pure socializing, such as cast or crew for community theatre, Habitat for Humanity, language conversation groups, the less generic pickup sports such as ultimate frisbee, or activism. Especially good if you're able to get involved with something that has you solving problems as part of a team- doesn't matter what sort of problems, as it's the working through them that will help you share more of the person you really are- or just feel like being at the time- and bond with others as their own barriers against connection are set aside in order to accomplish the common goal.
posted by notquitemaryann at 7:25 PM on July 22, 2009 [8 favorites]
I see this differently from the other commenters. I agree with them that you probably have -- or could have -- some perfectly fine interests that would make suitable fodder for a conversation. But if you don't think you do, then all the encouragement in the world isn't going to suddenly make you less of a "ghost".
Rather, I have a suggestion for how you can move a conversation beyond the introductory banalities. Rather than share information, solicit it. Ask questions, even simple things like "what magazines do you read?", to get the other person(s) to reveal their interests. The possibilities for follow-up questions abound, providing the basis for what could be a pleasant conversation.
And you might even catch someone's passion or discover that you actually find the subject quite interesting.
posted by DrGail at 7:27 PM on July 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
Rather, I have a suggestion for how you can move a conversation beyond the introductory banalities. Rather than share information, solicit it. Ask questions, even simple things like "what magazines do you read?", to get the other person(s) to reveal their interests. The possibilities for follow-up questions abound, providing the basis for what could be a pleasant conversation.
And you might even catch someone's passion or discover that you actually find the subject quite interesting.
posted by DrGail at 7:27 PM on July 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
Two contrasting comments for you:
1) In my life it was a great revelation that not all conversation has to be deep or interesting. Many of the conversations that build relationships seem superficial. They often don't have to be related to deeply important beliefs or interests. They are honest but not "deep." Important conversations often come after a lot (could be hours/weeks/months) of inane chitchat that lets you figure each other out. Listen to people, pay attention to what they say, and when you find common ground let them expand on it. Put in your two cents, but let them continue with their thoughts. Don't be afraid of "that's great, reminds me of something I read about blank, but tell me more about what you read."
I.E. Listen and focus on other people's interests.
2) Where you live and who you hang out with matters. People are different; seek out a place (even a city, yes cities and regions have different vibes) that has like minded people. The exact same thing goes for circles of people. Objectively, it could be that many of the people that you are interacting with are immature idiots. If you continue searching (note, could take months or years) you will find likeminded people.
I.E. Find people that actually get you from the start. They are out there.
posted by SantosLHalper at 7:31 PM on July 22, 2009 [8 favorites]
1) In my life it was a great revelation that not all conversation has to be deep or interesting. Many of the conversations that build relationships seem superficial. They often don't have to be related to deeply important beliefs or interests. They are honest but not "deep." Important conversations often come after a lot (could be hours/weeks/months) of inane chitchat that lets you figure each other out. Listen to people, pay attention to what they say, and when you find common ground let them expand on it. Put in your two cents, but let them continue with their thoughts. Don't be afraid of "that's great, reminds me of something I read about blank, but tell me more about what you read."
I.E. Listen and focus on other people's interests.
2) Where you live and who you hang out with matters. People are different; seek out a place (even a city, yes cities and regions have different vibes) that has like minded people. The exact same thing goes for circles of people. Objectively, it could be that many of the people that you are interacting with are immature idiots. If you continue searching (note, could take months or years) you will find likeminded people.
I.E. Find people that actually get you from the start. They are out there.
posted by SantosLHalper at 7:31 PM on July 22, 2009 [8 favorites]
This leaves me with little to no small-talk material, I can't talk about sports, cars, celebrities, not even about girls with other guys. I can't talk about my social life because I don't have one.
You seem to be assuming that you need shared knowledge and interests to successfully have a conversation. You don't. You can listen and ask interested questions, and learn something about cars, sports, celebrities, or whatever else the other person is interested in. "Oh, you've been watching American Idol? Cool. Why do you think [insert inane celebrity here] has been so popular this time round?"
Eventually, if your conversation partner isn't a complete knob, they'll realise that they've been talking for a while and they'll start asking you bout what you're interested in. That's when it helps to have something interesting going on in your life, but it doesn't really matter whether that something is sports and girls or stamp collecting and boys. Just be interested in something, and be willing to share your enthusiasm with others.
posted by embrangled at 7:39 PM on July 22, 2009
You seem to be assuming that you need shared knowledge and interests to successfully have a conversation. You don't. You can listen and ask interested questions, and learn something about cars, sports, celebrities, or whatever else the other person is interested in. "Oh, you've been watching American Idol? Cool. Why do you think [insert inane celebrity here] has been so popular this time round?"
Eventually, if your conversation partner isn't a complete knob, they'll realise that they've been talking for a while and they'll start asking you bout what you're interested in. That's when it helps to have something interesting going on in your life, but it doesn't really matter whether that something is sports and girls or stamp collecting and boys. Just be interested in something, and be willing to share your enthusiasm with others.
posted by embrangled at 7:39 PM on July 22, 2009
And to top it off, I'm gay, and pretty much every person I met has been straight.
Where do you live, Utah? Pack your things and move to the nearest metropolis, and start your life for real.
posted by trotter at 7:55 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Where do you live, Utah? Pack your things and move to the nearest metropolis, and start your life for real.
posted by trotter at 7:55 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Write up a list of things you like-- things that you appreciate, admire, or enjoy.
Then for each one, ask yourself what, specifically, you like about it.
After hearing yourself think, Well, you know, it just feels good a couple of times, push yourself to expand and even free associate on your answers. Perhaps the particular thing makes you see yourself a certain way, or reminds you of a particular time; perhaps it makes something else easier, or more valuable.
Just jot down these associations.
Next time you're in a conversation, put aside the impulse to make logical, relevant links... and instead, when you hear someone talk about how cool X is and how much he enjoys it, agree that X is cool (if you think it is), and then talk how cool it is when something's, um, cool, and how cool [sneak glance at list] is, and what you like about it.
This is will probably seem awkward at first... but not talking already feels awkward for you. And either you'll open your present friends up to your genuine interests, or you'll acquire new friends, or both.
[And, to state the obvious, your location and social environment matter a great deal-- when possible, spend time at places where you're likely to find people with similar interests.]
As far as small talk per se goes... well... just nod, smile, echo, and say Awesome alot. It's all about The Vibe, rather than content-- or rather, the vibe, the mood, the feeling of agreement and exchange, is the content.
But before any of this tactical stuff, it seems as though you must make a decision to believe that small talk, or what it represents, is of greater value and interest than its surface would suggest.
posted by darth_tedious at 7:55 PM on July 22, 2009
Then for each one, ask yourself what, specifically, you like about it.
After hearing yourself think, Well, you know, it just feels good a couple of times, push yourself to expand and even free associate on your answers. Perhaps the particular thing makes you see yourself a certain way, or reminds you of a particular time; perhaps it makes something else easier, or more valuable.
Just jot down these associations.
Next time you're in a conversation, put aside the impulse to make logical, relevant links... and instead, when you hear someone talk about how cool X is and how much he enjoys it, agree that X is cool (if you think it is), and then talk how cool it is when something's, um, cool, and how cool [sneak glance at list] is, and what you like about it.
This is will probably seem awkward at first... but not talking already feels awkward for you. And either you'll open your present friends up to your genuine interests, or you'll acquire new friends, or both.
[And, to state the obvious, your location and social environment matter a great deal-- when possible, spend time at places where you're likely to find people with similar interests.]
As far as small talk per se goes... well... just nod, smile, echo, and say Awesome alot. It's all about The Vibe, rather than content-- or rather, the vibe, the mood, the feeling of agreement and exchange, is the content.
But before any of this tactical stuff, it seems as though you must make a decision to believe that small talk, or what it represents, is of greater value and interest than its surface would suggest.
posted by darth_tedious at 7:55 PM on July 22, 2009
Go to a MetaFilter meetup.
posted by hermitosis at 8:49 PM on July 22, 2009
posted by hermitosis at 8:49 PM on July 22, 2009
It doesn't sound like you're boring or a bad conversationalist- this post is specific and self-aware, which are both pleasant qualities in a friend. It sounds like you're surrounded by people you don't have much in common with, though, and you're being too hard on yourself for not having much to talk about with them. You need more hobbies, and more gay friends.
Do you live in a place where there's not much to do? I bet you'd find friends in a big liberal city. Look for one with lots of vegetarian restaurants and a big gay pride parade; even if you're a carnivore who's not into the gay clubby scene, those two traits tend to be good predictors of a city where it's easy to make friends.
Maybe join a sports league in your area? There might even be a gay league that could be fun.
Move into a house with roommates? (Look very carefully on Craigslist for a group of people you feel compatible with, and be very discerning. Subletting for 2-3 months in someone else's home is a good way to feel people out if you're not ready to move in all the way with strangers. I've made amazing friends from people I lived with).
Get involved in some projects with other people! Short films and especially plays are fun to work on, and you tend to meet lots of fun, extroverted people. If you don't want to be the centre of attention volunteer to stage manage or do lighting or something, it's not that hard to learn. Look on Craigslist for ideas, or take an acting or improv class to meet people.
It doesn't sound like you're really the problem here, though. It's depressing and demoralizing not to have many friends, but that can happen because of circumstance, not because of a flaw in your character, and it really sounds like circumstances are to blame in your case. So don't try to change yourself- try to change your circumstances. You sound nice-- good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:00 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Do you live in a place where there's not much to do? I bet you'd find friends in a big liberal city. Look for one with lots of vegetarian restaurants and a big gay pride parade; even if you're a carnivore who's not into the gay clubby scene, those two traits tend to be good predictors of a city where it's easy to make friends.
Maybe join a sports league in your area? There might even be a gay league that could be fun.
Move into a house with roommates? (Look very carefully on Craigslist for a group of people you feel compatible with, and be very discerning. Subletting for 2-3 months in someone else's home is a good way to feel people out if you're not ready to move in all the way with strangers. I've made amazing friends from people I lived with).
Get involved in some projects with other people! Short films and especially plays are fun to work on, and you tend to meet lots of fun, extroverted people. If you don't want to be the centre of attention volunteer to stage manage or do lighting or something, it's not that hard to learn. Look on Craigslist for ideas, or take an acting or improv class to meet people.
It doesn't sound like you're really the problem here, though. It's depressing and demoralizing not to have many friends, but that can happen because of circumstance, not because of a flaw in your character, and it really sounds like circumstances are to blame in your case. So don't try to change yourself- try to change your circumstances. You sound nice-- good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:00 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Is it possible that you are still depressed, and your lack of interest in everything is a symptom? I know you say you have broken out of a long depression, but perhaps you're almost out but still partially in. Depression can feel like a total lack of interest, energy, and life. It would explain why you feel the way you do. If you think this might be going on, perhaps therapy (with or without drugs) could help.
posted by prefpara at 9:26 PM on July 22, 2009
posted by prefpara at 9:26 PM on July 22, 2009
Speaking as someone who is not interested in cars, sports, celebrities, pop culture, music written this century or most of last century, don't own a TV or watch TV on the internet ...
Have to say, I'm still a pretty interesting person. Or at least, there seem to be a lot of people that think so.
I have interests, and no, they aren't 'normal' or 'typical' interests. That's alright; I find people with similar interests, skills, pursuits, hobbies and pastimes. The ones I keep are the ones that don't mind me looking blank and confused when they talk about the latest celebrity scandal. And don't mind feeling blank and confused when I wax lyrical about my most recent interesting thing, which may or may not be total gibberish to them. What I do for fun and enjoyment seems pretty boring to most people. That's okay; it's not 'most' people I'm interested in getting to know, anyway.
You say you play sports, even if you don't watch them; well, sport is a bit of a social thing (so I'm told). Join a team. That'll give you shared experiences and interests with a group of people.
posted by ysabet at 10:36 PM on July 22, 2009
Have to say, I'm still a pretty interesting person. Or at least, there seem to be a lot of people that think so.
I have interests, and no, they aren't 'normal' or 'typical' interests. That's alright; I find people with similar interests, skills, pursuits, hobbies and pastimes. The ones I keep are the ones that don't mind me looking blank and confused when they talk about the latest celebrity scandal. And don't mind feeling blank and confused when I wax lyrical about my most recent interesting thing, which may or may not be total gibberish to them. What I do for fun and enjoyment seems pretty boring to most people. That's okay; it's not 'most' people I'm interested in getting to know, anyway.
You say you play sports, even if you don't watch them; well, sport is a bit of a social thing (so I'm told). Join a team. That'll give you shared experiences and interests with a group of people.
posted by ysabet at 10:36 PM on July 22, 2009
Response by poster: Thanks for your comments, everyone. It looks like I was right about MeFi.
I really mean it when I say I have no interests -- I've wanted to die for over 10 years, and I've just been holding out because I refuse to commit suicide and hurt everyone around me. I'm fine now, but I'm finding I'm in such a deep hole now and it's difficult to pull by since I don't know what I want to do. For those of you that say I still sound depressed, you may be right, but I don't really see a point in talking about that. I also did take counseling from a psych and after half a year the only thing I notice is I have over a thousand dollars less than I would have if I hadn't seen him. It's not the first time I've tried counseling...I hate counseling.
I literally don't know what to do to keep myself entertained. Everyone always tells me to "find my interests" or something, because everyone's gotta have some interests. I'm sure there's something out there but I don't know how to find it. It's like everyone just magically knows how to do it and I don't or something. Kind of like making friends.
After I come home from work I sit around, try to think of something to do, usually don't, go out for an aimless walk for 1-2 hours, come back, and then try to think some more with no avail. If I'm lucky I manage to fall asleep early, otherwise I need to bust out the MJ before the night gets too lonely.
Let me answer your comments:
Reductiondesign -- First off, you weren't being vague. It's interesting you ask about music...I don't really know how I feel about it. I've always had music playing in my head, so I've never really cared to actively seek out new music to listen to. I feel like I may have talent as a music composer but I have no motivation to learn how to currently because I guess I'm depressed.
Janerica -- No, I don't even keep up with any current events. They just don't interest me and when I force myself to watch news or something it gives me that same feeling as when I tried to "study" about celebrities and artists in high school just so I could talk to people. I realized later what a dumb idea that was.
Jayder & Grouse -- Yes, that is a good question. What AM I interested in? I have no clue...and I feel like it's driving me insane trying to figure out.
Nattie -- I totally agree with you. I need to find an interest, a goal. If I can do that, at the very least, I can at least be happy with myself, even if I'm alone. But I don't even know how to do that...so I need some help here.
Fifi -- While I'm out walking, I do observe everything around me. The things I think about tend to be negative, so I don't like talking about them -- I'll watch the couple walking by and wonder what it's like to be able to like a girl. Or even be friends with one. I'll see groups of friends going around and then reflect on the groups of friends I used to hang out with. Then after a while it gets too depressing and I try to think of something fun, and I can't. So I just keep walking...and focus on that.
NotQuiteMaryAnn -- I used to have this exact problem, and I think it's because I became extremely self conscious ever since I started noticing that nobody seemed to like me much. It still effects me to this day, but I think the issue at hand is what concerns me more.
DrGail -- I'm working on this right now. I was always good at this sort of thing as a child, but it seems now I end up being unable to think of anything to say after someone excitedly jabbers about something they like except something that kills conversation like, "Oh, that's cool," or "It seems like you really like [topic]". I don't know if I'm bad at reading into what people or saying or what. This is the part of my conversation where all my friendships go to die.
SantosLHalper -- I'm moving to Hong Kong in about a month. I hope to find people there I can connect with, but experience tells me that I have a lot more to fix up about myself before I'm ready to do so.
embrangled -- Hey, you actually gave an excellent example for me to explain a bit about how I respond: normally I would say, "Oh, you've been watching American Idol? Cool." I wouldn't be able to say the second question...I wouldn't know about such person being popular.
Pseudostrabismus -- Actually, I've lived in L.A. all my life, so...there should actually be a lot to do here. I understand that maybe it's just my friends that are the problem and not me, but...after making groups of friends in church, school, sports, and finding that I lose them all because of what appears to be the same reason...I can see why I might have trouble believing it.
There, I hope that helps reflect my situation a bit better. As you can see...I actually talk a crapload. I don't know if I'm shutting my own thoughts out, or honestly don't know what to talk about, or if I'm just plain bad at conversation at some points. I'll take some time to think about what each of you have said. Thank you.
posted by formaltide at 10:56 PM on July 22, 2009
I really mean it when I say I have no interests -- I've wanted to die for over 10 years, and I've just been holding out because I refuse to commit suicide and hurt everyone around me. I'm fine now, but I'm finding I'm in such a deep hole now and it's difficult to pull by since I don't know what I want to do. For those of you that say I still sound depressed, you may be right, but I don't really see a point in talking about that. I also did take counseling from a psych and after half a year the only thing I notice is I have over a thousand dollars less than I would have if I hadn't seen him. It's not the first time I've tried counseling...I hate counseling.
I literally don't know what to do to keep myself entertained. Everyone always tells me to "find my interests" or something, because everyone's gotta have some interests. I'm sure there's something out there but I don't know how to find it. It's like everyone just magically knows how to do it and I don't or something. Kind of like making friends.
After I come home from work I sit around, try to think of something to do, usually don't, go out for an aimless walk for 1-2 hours, come back, and then try to think some more with no avail. If I'm lucky I manage to fall asleep early, otherwise I need to bust out the MJ before the night gets too lonely.
Let me answer your comments:
Reductiondesign -- First off, you weren't being vague. It's interesting you ask about music...I don't really know how I feel about it. I've always had music playing in my head, so I've never really cared to actively seek out new music to listen to. I feel like I may have talent as a music composer but I have no motivation to learn how to currently because I guess I'm depressed.
Janerica -- No, I don't even keep up with any current events. They just don't interest me and when I force myself to watch news or something it gives me that same feeling as when I tried to "study" about celebrities and artists in high school just so I could talk to people. I realized later what a dumb idea that was.
Jayder & Grouse -- Yes, that is a good question. What AM I interested in? I have no clue...and I feel like it's driving me insane trying to figure out.
Nattie -- I totally agree with you. I need to find an interest, a goal. If I can do that, at the very least, I can at least be happy with myself, even if I'm alone. But I don't even know how to do that...so I need some help here.
Fifi -- While I'm out walking, I do observe everything around me. The things I think about tend to be negative, so I don't like talking about them -- I'll watch the couple walking by and wonder what it's like to be able to like a girl. Or even be friends with one. I'll see groups of friends going around and then reflect on the groups of friends I used to hang out with. Then after a while it gets too depressing and I try to think of something fun, and I can't. So I just keep walking...and focus on that.
NotQuiteMaryAnn -- I used to have this exact problem, and I think it's because I became extremely self conscious ever since I started noticing that nobody seemed to like me much. It still effects me to this day, but I think the issue at hand is what concerns me more.
DrGail -- I'm working on this right now. I was always good at this sort of thing as a child, but it seems now I end up being unable to think of anything to say after someone excitedly jabbers about something they like except something that kills conversation like, "Oh, that's cool," or "It seems like you really like [topic]". I don't know if I'm bad at reading into what people or saying or what. This is the part of my conversation where all my friendships go to die.
SantosLHalper -- I'm moving to Hong Kong in about a month. I hope to find people there I can connect with, but experience tells me that I have a lot more to fix up about myself before I'm ready to do so.
embrangled -- Hey, you actually gave an excellent example for me to explain a bit about how I respond: normally I would say, "Oh, you've been watching American Idol? Cool." I wouldn't be able to say the second question...I wouldn't know about such person being popular.
Pseudostrabismus -- Actually, I've lived in L.A. all my life, so...there should actually be a lot to do here. I understand that maybe it's just my friends that are the problem and not me, but...after making groups of friends in church, school, sports, and finding that I lose them all because of what appears to be the same reason...I can see why I might have trouble believing it.
There, I hope that helps reflect my situation a bit better. As you can see...I actually talk a crapload. I don't know if I'm shutting my own thoughts out, or honestly don't know what to talk about, or if I'm just plain bad at conversation at some points. I'll take some time to think about what each of you have said. Thank you.
posted by formaltide at 10:56 PM on July 22, 2009
Sometimes when I'm down and not wanting to be and nobody's around to see me being ridiculous, I put a huuuuuge fake smile on. and wait. and wait. and eventually, for me, there's a genuine smile instead, and it brings a bit of joy, at least for a moment. This works with laughing sometimes, too.
Pseudostrabismus has it right, I think. Volunteering, clubs, etc. Billiards, bowling, bicycling. Show up somewhere regularly, even if you don't *think* you have a common interest, and eventually y'all will have the common interest of that shared set of experiences.
Some direction: An experience like AmeriCorps or some such thing might be good. Alternately, you could move to a new city or country, form new habits there.
Oh! Especially this: How much time do you spend on the Internet? If you spend a lot of time online, cut back to no more than an hour per day. Spend it in the sunshine instead.
posted by aniola at 11:24 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Pseudostrabismus has it right, I think. Volunteering, clubs, etc. Billiards, bowling, bicycling. Show up somewhere regularly, even if you don't *think* you have a common interest, and eventually y'all will have the common interest of that shared set of experiences.
Some direction: An experience like AmeriCorps or some such thing might be good. Alternately, you could move to a new city or country, form new habits there.
Oh! Especially this: How much time do you spend on the Internet? If you spend a lot of time online, cut back to no more than an hour per day. Spend it in the sunshine instead.
posted by aniola at 11:24 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: you always have music playing in your head? Well that sounds like the something very interesting right there. Seek out music classes.
If you genuinely feel like you have no interests and can't think of anything to do with your time, then try some out, it's a simple as that. Read a book, read several books, go to some leisure classes, a music listening group, take up photography, anything!! And if you live in LA I'm pretty sure that you will run into the gay community if you look. Take up a physical activity. Try out several in fact. The only way to develop interests is to try them out. None of us were born loving certain things.
And if you can't get up the motivation to do this, I would strongly assert, that yes you are still depressed.
posted by nunoidia at 12:28 AM on July 23, 2009 [3 favorites]
If you genuinely feel like you have no interests and can't think of anything to do with your time, then try some out, it's a simple as that. Read a book, read several books, go to some leisure classes, a music listening group, take up photography, anything!! And if you live in LA I'm pretty sure that you will run into the gay community if you look. Take up a physical activity. Try out several in fact. The only way to develop interests is to try them out. None of us were born loving certain things.
And if you can't get up the motivation to do this, I would strongly assert, that yes you are still depressed.
posted by nunoidia at 12:28 AM on July 23, 2009 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: You're right, nunoida, the only way to find them is to try them. I think I'm making this harder than it should be. I've been trying to listen to some music lately, for the first time in my life...Trance seems to help me drown out my emotions.
I may still be depressed, but this is nowhere near before when I actively loathed my very existence. This is as good as it's going to get for me right now, so I'm just going to have to deal with it and move on anyways. I don't give a crap that I'm depressed, complaining about it doesn't do jack. I just need to do this one thing and hope for the best.
Aniola -- You have a good point about showing up somewhere regularly. I've tried a number of things, but i've never stuck to them. I think I get discouraged easily...
I wonder if I have commitment problems.
To answer your question: I spend a ton of time on the internet. The rest of the time, I spend walking outside aimlessly.
posted by formaltide at 12:48 AM on July 23, 2009
I may still be depressed, but this is nowhere near before when I actively loathed my very existence. This is as good as it's going to get for me right now, so I'm just going to have to deal with it and move on anyways. I don't give a crap that I'm depressed, complaining about it doesn't do jack. I just need to do this one thing and hope for the best.
Aniola -- You have a good point about showing up somewhere regularly. I've tried a number of things, but i've never stuck to them. I think I get discouraged easily...
I wonder if I have commitment problems.
To answer your question: I spend a ton of time on the internet. The rest of the time, I spend walking outside aimlessly.
posted by formaltide at 12:48 AM on July 23, 2009
If you find it difficult to come up with interests of your own, borrow someone else's!
Seriously, in this world, there are always more ships that need crew than captains, more teams that need players than coaches, and more parties that need guests. Being willing to be a good follower, to support someone else's interests, to encourage others in their dreams or enthusiasms by participating, is to get something for yourself, while giving something of yourself. And that is the very foundation of successful friendships and personal relationships, of all stripes.
Join a softball team or a bowling league. Volunteer to pick up trash with a civic group. Undertake some reading aloud to the residents of a nearby nursing home. Stop by the local YMCA and join whatever pickup basketball game needs another player. Be frank about your skills, or the lack of them, and don't worry about performing beyond what you're capable of doing, unless you actually enjoy something, and get better at it by participating.
posted by paulsc at 2:56 AM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]
Seriously, in this world, there are always more ships that need crew than captains, more teams that need players than coaches, and more parties that need guests. Being willing to be a good follower, to support someone else's interests, to encourage others in their dreams or enthusiasms by participating, is to get something for yourself, while giving something of yourself. And that is the very foundation of successful friendships and personal relationships, of all stripes.
Join a softball team or a bowling league. Volunteer to pick up trash with a civic group. Undertake some reading aloud to the residents of a nearby nursing home. Stop by the local YMCA and join whatever pickup basketball game needs another player. Be frank about your skills, or the lack of them, and don't worry about performing beyond what you're capable of doing, unless you actually enjoy something, and get better at it by participating.
posted by paulsc at 2:56 AM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]
As kathrineg said, having no interests is a symptom of depression. If you've wanted to die for 10 years, and now your worst symptom is having no interests, no wonder you're not too worked up about that. But they're both classic symptoms, and it's likely that depression is causing the connection problem you're asking about.
At the same time, depression can also be causing your fatalist feeling that there's nothing more to be done about depression, so there's no point discussing it. It's normal that a depressed person wouldn't hold out much hope for a change, but as I read your story, I feel urgency for you to get it treated. When you were in counseling, did you discuss meds, were you prescribed them, and are you taking them? I think you're caught in a vicious cycle, where depression is making you hopeless and blasé about getting your depression treated. I hope you can take some of the faith that I and others here have that it is possible for it to be better for you, and use that to counter the depressed opinion you have that it can't be, and seek further treatment.
Aside from that, one little thread for finding your interests -- when you're spending that ton of time on the internet, notice what kind of sites you gravitate towards. Any themes? I suspect that depression will keep those areas from blossoming into full-fledged interests now, but they could be leads for once you're out from under it.
posted by daisyace at 4:54 AM on July 23, 2009
At the same time, depression can also be causing your fatalist feeling that there's nothing more to be done about depression, so there's no point discussing it. It's normal that a depressed person wouldn't hold out much hope for a change, but as I read your story, I feel urgency for you to get it treated. When you were in counseling, did you discuss meds, were you prescribed them, and are you taking them? I think you're caught in a vicious cycle, where depression is making you hopeless and blasé about getting your depression treated. I hope you can take some of the faith that I and others here have that it is possible for it to be better for you, and use that to counter the depressed opinion you have that it can't be, and seek further treatment.
Aside from that, one little thread for finding your interests -- when you're spending that ton of time on the internet, notice what kind of sites you gravitate towards. Any themes? I suspect that depression will keep those areas from blossoming into full-fledged interests now, but they could be leads for once you're out from under it.
posted by daisyace at 4:54 AM on July 23, 2009
This:
Seriously, in this world, there are always more ships that need crew than captains, more teams that need players than coaches, and more parties that need guests. Being willing to be a good follower, to support someone else's interests, to encourage others in their dreams or enthusiasms by participating, is to get something for yourself, while giving something of yourself. And that is the very foundation of successful friendships and personal relationships, of all stripes.
This is excellent advice.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:45 AM on July 23, 2009
Seriously, in this world, there are always more ships that need crew than captains, more teams that need players than coaches, and more parties that need guests. Being willing to be a good follower, to support someone else's interests, to encourage others in their dreams or enthusiasms by participating, is to get something for yourself, while giving something of yourself. And that is the very foundation of successful friendships and personal relationships, of all stripes.
This is excellent advice.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:45 AM on July 23, 2009
I am going through a massive depressive episode and, I know you said you hate therapists, but are you on any meds? I recently switched and feel much better. While my therapist isn't the brightest bulb, she does help me to get out the feelings I wouldn't otherwise express.
You say you walk alot, I love the outdoors and wish I could spend my entire life outside, though I have low motivation right now and am sometimes lazy. If you are near enough to the outdoors, what about picking out a big day hike- say 10 to 15 miles, or whatever you are comfortable with. If it does work out, try an overnight trip with a specific goal.
I am also a little ocd and have just come up with a goal- I have to have a goal in my life to work toward or else I end up in the same place you are right now, aimless and wandering. If you are good at obsessing, obsess on a positive goal and talk about that. Someone will be interested and the two of you can build on that.
posted by TheBones at 10:22 AM on July 23, 2009
You say you walk alot, I love the outdoors and wish I could spend my entire life outside, though I have low motivation right now and am sometimes lazy. If you are near enough to the outdoors, what about picking out a big day hike- say 10 to 15 miles, or whatever you are comfortable with. If it does work out, try an overnight trip with a specific goal.
I am also a little ocd and have just come up with a goal- I have to have a goal in my life to work toward or else I end up in the same place you are right now, aimless and wandering. If you are good at obsessing, obsess on a positive goal and talk about that. Someone will be interested and the two of you can build on that.
posted by TheBones at 10:22 AM on July 23, 2009
The way you just opened up to us above is how you need to open up to someone else. Meet someone and have an extraordinarily honest conversation. Tell them you're bored and feel dead inside. What do you have to lose? It may be very liberating. For me, it would be very refreshing.
posted by xammerboy at 7:02 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by xammerboy at 7:02 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
I can't connect any further than the acquaintance level because of my lack of interests.
I'm a reasonably successful guy, with varied hobbies and interests, and a wife and kids and friends. And yet, I still feel exactly the way you do (re the lack of connection, not wanting to die and whatnot, although I certainly felt that way when I was younger.)
I'm struggling with this somewhat myself, and probably always will. I wouldn't say it's a fear of intimacy, because I've been very emotionally intimate with people at times, and I'd say I actually hunger for it. Moreso it seems that becoming emotionally intimate with people is difficult because the kinds of people I meet do not share my interests, much as you experience.
Generally speaking, I chalk it up to the intensity of my emotions (as a child I had a great deal of difficulty managing my anger, for instance, and as a teen I fell very fast and hard for a couple of girls before I got a handle on it) and so the coping mechanisms I've developed to manage my emotions are overly effective, preventing me from forming a casual emotional intimacy. It has to be deep and intense and positive (to get through the filters), or it doesn't even begin to make a dent.
I don't have advice on this one for you -- as I said, I struggle with it myself -- but I thought you'd like to know a person can have a pretty awesome life while learning to deal with it.
posted by davejay at 2:44 PM on August 6, 2009
I'm a reasonably successful guy, with varied hobbies and interests, and a wife and kids and friends. And yet, I still feel exactly the way you do (re the lack of connection, not wanting to die and whatnot, although I certainly felt that way when I was younger.)
I'm struggling with this somewhat myself, and probably always will. I wouldn't say it's a fear of intimacy, because I've been very emotionally intimate with people at times, and I'd say I actually hunger for it. Moreso it seems that becoming emotionally intimate with people is difficult because the kinds of people I meet do not share my interests, much as you experience.
Generally speaking, I chalk it up to the intensity of my emotions (as a child I had a great deal of difficulty managing my anger, for instance, and as a teen I fell very fast and hard for a couple of girls before I got a handle on it) and so the coping mechanisms I've developed to manage my emotions are overly effective, preventing me from forming a casual emotional intimacy. It has to be deep and intense and positive (to get through the filters), or it doesn't even begin to make a dent.
I don't have advice on this one for you -- as I said, I struggle with it myself -- but I thought you'd like to know a person can have a pretty awesome life while learning to deal with it.
posted by davejay at 2:44 PM on August 6, 2009
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Or you could discuss your job. For example: "What do you do for a living?" Depending on who's asking, you or someone else, you either begin to describe your job and then return the question, or listen to their answer and wait for your turn.
Voila, a conversation.
I think it's clear from your post that you have the ability to have an intelligent and "normal" discussion with someone.
I'm a lot like you in group situations; I'm the guy who sits there and doesn't say much and, therefore, I'm really slow at meeting new people. I find that I'm much better at getting to know people when they're starting the introductions.
Finally, why are you not into music? A general distaste (not even that, just a lack of interest) or simply not being able to keep up? I ask because music—as well as books/TV/etc.—are wonderful conversation starters. It'd be good to keep up on, I think, but YMMV.
Sorry if this was vague or convoluted.
posted by reductiondesign at 6:42 PM on July 22, 2009