Scared strapless

July 18, 2009 8:39 AM

How can I be less self-conscious in a strapless dress?

I got to pick out my own bridesmaids dress for an upcoming wedding in August (hooray for low maintenance friends). I bought this dress in the latte colour.

I love the dress, but I have never worn strapless ANYTHING ever in my life. I'm 5'7, 160lbs and busty. The dress is tasteful and simple, but I feel pretty exposed. I would like to add something to the outfit that covers my upper arms and armpits - preferably not something I have to keep wrapping around myself every ten seconds. I've tried it on a bunch of times and I'm constantly adjusting out of self-consciousness, even though there's no danger of it falling off of me.

I have seen this AskMe about buying strapless bras. So my question is: What would you recommend for making my day in this dress as comfortable as possible? A short cardigan? Double-sided tape? A halter top underneath? Busty ladies, I need your expertise!

posted by futureisunwritten to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (31 answers total)

I see that you're looking into the different options for strapless bras. I just wanted to come in and note that, imo, a good strapless bra is THE most important thing for feeling comfortable in a strapless dress. It might be tempting to go with a lesser quality bra because you don't wear strapless very often, but don't do it! Try on multiple options and get the one that really fits the best for you. A good strapless bra will make the dress fit much better and keep your chest under control. The dress is really pretty, and I like the color. If the color is true to my monitor, I could definitely see one of those short shrugs, maybe in a subtle metallic color.
posted by theantikitty at 8:46 AM on July 18, 2009 [5 favorites]

If this is going to be stressful, you can get a tailor/seamstress to create a thin, removable spaghetti strap in matching fabric, like the ones that come with tube-top style bathing suit tops.
posted by availablelight at 8:50 AM on July 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

What you're looking for is called a shrug. I see them all over the place, and it's what I'd wear if I bought something strapless for a wedding.
posted by immlass at 8:57 AM on July 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

Very thin 'floaty' cardigan. Soft and translucent, fairly formal as cardigans go.

No on the halter top. But you might try big chunky jewellery -- a necklace and bracelet but especially a necklace -- to give yourself (1) something around your neck, (2) something to fiddle with.
posted by kmennie at 8:59 AM on July 18, 2009

I would like to add something to the outfit that covers my upper arms and armpits - preferably not something I have to keep wrapping around myself every ten seconds.

I was focused on your concern that you couldn't stop adjusting the top due to fears of falling out, and missed this part of the question.

If it's self-consciousness (and not simply modesty) that's driving this urge to cover up, I can assure you that no one will be assessing your upper arm area as harshly as you might be.
posted by availablelight at 9:08 AM on July 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

a) as the antikitty says, you need a proper strapless bra—don't just go to victoria's secret or a department store, go to a small shop and get a professional fitting, where they can make sure you are in the right bra for you and won't let you walk out the door in the wrong one. note that the right strapless bra will and should feel very tight when you put it on, too tight even compared to regular bras. that's on purpose, since it has to work harder. once your bust feels under control you'll stop fiddling with the dress! a good bra really does make all the difference.

b) get a shrug or thin floaty cardigan, as immlass and kmennie have suggested. they're the classic things to wear over a strapless dress. kmennie's advice to wear something else you can fiddle with instead of the top is clever and a+++
posted by lia at 9:16 AM on July 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

As far as "double sided tape" - in my experience, "Fashion tape" like this is fairly worthless. If you are serious about sticking the dress on with tape, you need wig tape. It comes on rolls or in strips, and you can get it basically at any Sally Beauty or similar store.

If you are worried about the shrug matching, any good seamstress can make a pretty simple one for you out of sheer chiffon, which should complement any formalish dress quite well. Also, check out the "occasion" dresses section of any big department store - they will have various kinds of coverups.
posted by Medieval Maven at 9:16 AM on July 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

I feel super self-conscious in strapless dresses too, and last summer I was stuck in a strapless bridesmaid dress as well. My usual reaction is that it's (in my case) a lot of featureless upper chest between breasts and neck. Compound that with DD breasts on my 5'1" self? Yeah. Hell, I'm a cranky atheist and I tried to remind the bride that we weren't supposed to wear strapless things in a church. Didn't work.

So, this is what I did:

1. Found the best strapless bra I could. This happens every so often (the strapless bra need) and I always suck it up and spend as much money as I need to to find the one that fits the best. It helps to have the dress, too, to make sure the bra doesn't fit funny anywhere once the dress it on.

2. Walked around my house wearing a cheap strapless tops. Tried to keep in mind that people would be looking at the bride more than me anyhow.

3. Bought a very plain, thin wrap for the reception. A plain, smallish safety pin (which bridesmaids should have hidden around them anyway, in case of wedding disasters) on the underside of the wrap kept it in place.
posted by cobaltnine at 9:21 AM on July 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am an extremely busty girl myself (32G! On an otherwise very petite frame! Argh!) and I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have a good strapless bra. I have a long-line strapless bra with boning in it and it is a serious undergarment. I still hate going strapless, but it keeps the girls in place and lets me go about my business without constantly stressing about my breasts. It's definitely worth it to spend some extra money at a professional lingerie shop to get a good strapless bra.
posted by fancypants at 9:21 AM on July 18, 2009

I'd disagree on the full cardigan, but the shrug might be an option. And you could probably just have it around to wear during the reception, etc., instead of the ceremony and pictures. Really, speaking as someone who would not at all mind being back where you are, size-wise, you'll be perfectly fine. I think that as long as you find a wonderful bra -- and you will -- you'll be pleasantly surprised with how lovely you look and feel. I know I was when I first tried on a strapless gown, and that was back when I was a 38DD.

Have fun!
posted by Madamina at 9:23 AM on July 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

This might be a good compromise between a cardigan and a shrug.
posted by sulaine at 9:40 AM on July 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

How about a short sleeve bolero?
posted by BlooPen at 9:41 AM on July 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Nothing with buttons. A sheer chiffon shrug would be fine.
posted by palliser at 9:44 AM on July 18, 2009

While you're at the bra shop, try on a long line strapless bra. A normal strapless bra that ends right under your bust can have the tendency to smash your chest and ooch down slowly towards your waist but a long line bra will have boning that rests on your hips. This boning supports the cups, thus preventing a smashed chest and all ooching around. Similarly, make sure the dress fits you at your waist- the weight of the skirt should hang off your hips and the bodice should just lay over your bust.

If you want the formality of a wrap without fussing with it all night, get a brooch and try wearing it like this.
posted by Thin Lizzy at 10:07 AM on July 18, 2009 [8 favorites]

I can't help feeling that wearing a cardigan or something over your dress is really just going to draw more attention to that area of your body than if you were just bare, and I think it will also ruin the intended look of your dress. I think you should take all the good bra and getting-comfortable-with-yourself advice in here instead.

If you can't wear it as is, why not just return it and buy something you're more comfortable in?
posted by hermitosis at 10:44 AM on July 18, 2009 [6 favorites]

I love the wrap + brooch look, and Thin Lizzy has some great fit advice. But what honestly has helped me the most is making the rule that I'm NOT allowed to adjust once I leave the house. I can't stop the dreaded self-conscious/adjust cycle once it's begun *and it's the incessant fiddling that - at best - broadcasts my anxiety to everyone or - at worst! - causes the dreaded wardrobe malfunction.

So, for strapless -

Make sure your foundation garment fits perfectly - bonus points if it looks presentable if a tiny corner of lace or fabric ends up showing.

Use double sided wig/fabric tape for extra insurance.

Do a practice run to make sure everything stays in place

Trust that your precautions are sufficient and then DON'T TOUCH, FIDDLE OR ADJUST!

Enjoy! It's really a gorgeous dress.
posted by Space Kitty at 11:33 AM on July 18, 2009

If you really, really, REALLY need to cover your arms up or you won't feel comfortable at all, the best solution I have seen is to get a pashmina, wrap it around your upper arms like a shawl, and then tie the ends snug behind your back. This will give the illusion of sleeves, won't ruin the silhouette of your dress (which a cardigan, shrug, bolero or pretty much anything else probably will do). Because pashminas come in a million colors, you may even be able to find one that closely matches the color of your dress (which will be difficult with any other wrap, and a different colored cardigan or shrug is going to look even weirder with a dress like that then just going without).

Don't wear a halter top underneath; it will look tacky. If you want a little strap, a tailor can easily add one on as suggested above, or you could even do it yourself if you're confident with your sewing skills. Make sure the color and material match, though, or it will look strange.

When you're shopping for bras, bring your dress and try it on over the bra to see how everything fits/feels/looks. I was also going to suggest a long line like Thin Lizzy linked above--regular strapless bras usually don't do much for me, fall down, and make my boobs look squashed.
posted by Polychrome at 11:41 AM on July 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I like the crochet cardigans for this. Here's an example in a color that probably won't work.

How formal they look depends a lot on what they're made out of. Cotton less formal. Weird shiny synthetics, more formal.

I like them because they cover up the bulgy spot that shows up under my arms when my arms are at my side when I wear strapless things, like corsets. I think they look best when they're form-fitting.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:06 PM on July 18, 2009

Trust that your precautions are sufficient and then DON'T TOUCH, FIDDLE OR ADJUST!

Speaking as a guy, I can't offer advice, but I would like to underscore this. Strapless things are supposed to look effortless, and I realize it takes a lot of work to look effortless. But nothing's a bigger turn-off than seeing a woman grab the front or side edges of something strapless and tug it upward. It's like standing behind the magician and seeing his secret.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:37 PM on July 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I know you're not necessarily looking for bra recommendations, but the strapless bras from Cacique (Lane Bryant) are the best I have ever worn. They make me so happy because I wear all sorts of different shirts now that I would never try on before- hell, sometimes I wear it when I don't have to because it's so comfortable. Their size range is 36C to 48DDD, so maybe you'll be able to find something there.

I also agree that wearing a very beautiful necklace or earrings would draw everyone's eye to the right spot. However, if you still want to cover up, I think dropping by a vintage store might make finding an interesting short bolero or cardigan easier as it seems longer styles are in right now. But if you are going to be somewhere warm for the wedding, you're probably going to stick out more than you would otherwise. Enjoy the wedding- you'll probably be having so much fun you won't even notice your dress!
posted by Mouse Army at 1:10 PM on July 18, 2009

Seconding what Cool Papa Bell said. I too am a guy and at two out of the last three weddings I attended, the brides themselves both wore strapless dresses. It seems like every time I glanced their way during the receptions, they were pulling up the tops of their dresses.

Like most guys I have no problem with the look of strapless dresses, but I remember commenting to my wife that if I were a woman I'd never wear anything that required what seemed like non-stop adjustment.
posted by imjustsaying at 1:18 PM on July 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I agree with hermitosis, wearing something over the dress will just draw more attention to that part of your body. My advice is to take it to a good tailor who can get it to fit you perfectly, and wear a really good bra underneath. That will probably give you the confidence that you won't be fiddling with it and hiking it up all night. If the alterations to the dress involve trimming any fabric from it, your tailor may be able to use it to make a pair of spaghetti straps for you.
posted by LolaGeek at 1:50 PM on July 18, 2009

Girl Friday makes their own dresses. They probably have something you can buy, made with the exact same fabric. (Or, they can probably make something for you, if they don't have it already!) At a minimum, why not just go back to the store to see what they suggest? Bets they can help!
posted by Kololo at 4:05 PM on July 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

electric tape makes a fantastic strapless bra.

Just a word of caution on this, I used to use that for similar on- or next-to-skin applications until I started getting a rash from it, 'cause I had become sensitized to either the plastic or the adhesive. I now use hypoallergenic 3M Durapore surgical tape, which should be available at Walgreens and similar pharmacies.
posted by limeonaire at 7:40 PM on July 18, 2009

Response by poster: Wow, thanks everybody for all of your insight. My bra size is 36DD, so I'm just wanting to find a strapless bra that holds 'em up as well as my usual Wonderbras. I'm going to visit our excellent friendly neighbourhood tailor next week

As for covering myself, a shrug or similar will likely come in handy. Our weather here is pretty darn unpredictable (right now it's 11 degrees celsius and raining) so I'd like to have something to wear if I have to. The bride lives in another province, so her instructions were "Anything goes!"

As of right now, I am taking it out once a day and practicing my best wedding wiggles in it. My boyfriend has done wonders for my self confidence on this one. I can also throw a cardigan on over it on a regular day and wear it to work.
posted by futureisunwritten at 12:10 AM on July 19, 2009

Do *try* a longline from a small, reputable place. Especially with DDs that like to be held up, you're not going to find anything strapless that can do the work -- and you won't believe the difference unless you experience it.
posted by mimi at 5:00 AM on July 19, 2009

I think the wraps and boleros from this Etsy seller are beautiful. I think this red one would be great with your dress
posted by Chick Pea at 9:04 AM on July 19, 2009

Get a wrap or a shawl - a print would be nice with the solid dress. Anything with arm-holes is going to ruin the look (and you don't have option of wearing it low to show off your shoulders while feeling that you have hidden your upper arms which I'm sure are fine.)

You should be able to find one at any mall or in a shopping neighborhood - and that way you can make sure the fabric works with your dress.

You should stand up in the wedding without it, and then you have it for the reception if you want it.

(It's also easy to stuff a shawl into your backpack, if you are the type who gets cold on buses and airplanes.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:46 AM on July 19, 2009

Here's something else to consider: You're probably used to looking down and glancing at your outfit to make sure everything looks right. The problem with this is that you're looking at your chest from an angle no one else will see. Thus, to YOU, you will always look more exposed than you really are.

Try this: Take a photo of yourself in the dress using your camera's self timer and use that to judge. Maybe you're wondering "why not just look in a mirror?" It's not the same. I'm sure it's a psychological thing... we judge the two differently.
posted by 2oh1 at 12:30 PM on July 19, 2009

As a fellow DD-cupper, I want to nth the recommendation of a LONGLINE strapless bra for confidence.

Also, you can sew the top of the dress to the top of the bra. Just take a few stitches in matching thread through the back side of the top hem. You will be glad you did.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:43 PM on July 19, 2009

Buy the bra/shaper first, then bring or wear it to the tailor so that the dress fits perfectly over your body when your body is in that particular bra/shaper.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:24 PM on July 19, 2009