Can a big breast lover learn to downsize?
July 13, 2009 8:08 AM   Subscribe

For whatever oedipal reason that may or may not exist, I have always been attracted to women with large, natural, breasts (how original, right?). By some cosmic twist of fate however, the only women attracted to me recently always tend to be quite flat to small-chested. My question is: is there anyone else who felt similar, but was able to get over such superficialities, and if so, how?

Growing up an avid Savage Love reader, I always though that I shouldn't compromise on the physical qualities that truly turn me on, but on the other hand, I feel like I am missing out on some potential great relationships and being quite shallow. (of course I'm sure anyone else could substitute breast size for a myriad of other qualities that will bring up this similar universal dilemma)

One answer would be to just focus on other physical qualities in terms of how they can bring different kinds of pleasure, but I'm really interested in hearing other perspectives (male and female) relating to your preference for breast size in a partner and reconciling that with your reality, or even how you dealt with certain other physical aspects not meeting your 'ideals'.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (49 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Reality in any shape is usually more fun than idealized fantasies. Flat chests are sexy too.
posted by beerbajay at 8:19 AM on July 13, 2009 [6 favorites]

A choice of partner inevitably involves some departure from your adolescent fantasies. The question you should be asking is which parts of your fantasy do you value most? Is it appearance, kinks, companionship etc. There are no right answers to this, most people learn by trial and error.
posted by munchbunch at 8:23 AM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

re-reading that, it seems a bit flippant. sorry.
My point was that even if you like big breasts, you can probably get equally turned on by a flat-chested lover and have hot fulfilling sex with them. ie. there's not really anything to "overcome" in your attraction to big breasts; be attracted to them, but have fun with the lovers that are actually in front of you.
posted by beerbajay at 8:24 AM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

This is interesting to me, because I am friends with a woman who has the large, natural breasts you speak of. And she is having dating "issues" because she is only attracted to really athletic men. And she's not big on exercising. At all. Not to say that she's morbidly obese or anything, but she's a big girl: 5'6", 210 lbs.

I am trying to help her find that special someone, and I tell her what you probably need to hear. (please note that I am not snarking or being mean, just telling you what I tell her) That is is completely shallow to consider just the physical features, and get over yourself, because I doubt you are perfect. There are some great people out there if you would just give them the chance, even though they don't meet your "expectations".

Sometimes, the best things in life are found in places or packaging that you wouldn't expect. Life's a little too short to focus on just the physical appearances of people.

Another thing to consider: say you do end up with a woman with large breasts. Are you still going to be attracted to her when gravity takes its inevitable toll on them?
posted by bolognius maximus at 8:24 AM on July 13, 2009 [3 favorites]

Dan Savage is often wrong.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:31 AM on July 13, 2009 [36 favorites]

It may help to realize that you're probably not her ideally Hot Man, either. Adults make compromises for the sake of finding companionship.
posted by The Straightener at 8:33 AM on July 13, 2009 [7 favorites]

To be honest, I think this kind of thing is a deal-breaker. If you just don't find somebody sexually attractive, then it's not going to happen. If you like big breasts, and don't like smaller breasts, then there's nothing that can change it.

Some men like both, of course (I'm assuming you're a guy but it doesn't matter either way). Some people here who fall into that camp might give you advice based on their feelings.

It's shallow to admit it, but this the way our bodies work. A profound emotional and intellectual connection with another person is actually a friendship if there isn't a sexual spark there as well.
posted by humblepigeon at 8:34 AM on July 13, 2009 [4 favorites]

The problem with most physical characteristics is that they're not permanent. Hair falls out or turns grey, skin wrinkles and spots, breasts flop and deflate, eyes fade. Focusing too much on anything physical in a potential partner has the opportunity to end in disappointment down the road.

I've always tried to focus on internal traits for the purposes of a relationship, which is lucky for me, because my husband's luscious head of hair is now a luscious back of hair and I'd be in real trouble if "good hair" was a sticking point. The external characteristics are still a lot of fun when I'm people watching, but I'm pretty confident that neither of us is going to get less funny, less kind, less intelligent.
posted by padraigin at 8:38 AM on July 13, 2009 [24 favorites]

Yeah you know I've sort of been in your boat (ok it wasn't big boobs, but dating people who weren't my type physically) and at the end of the day I have very mixed feelings and results. I have dated a couple guys who were not my type and had a non serious but fairly long term relationship with one. I have to admit there was never the same sort of intensity or feelings with him as other guys who are my type. However, I can't tell you if it was just those guys or not. There was definitely some sort of chemistry missing. Was it worth it at the end of the day? I think so, but at the same time I don't see myself in the long run that isn't at least kind of my type. So I would definitely give it a shot, what the guy looked like physically ended up mattering a lot less than I thought it would, but I would be lying if I said that I just magically got over.
posted by whoaali at 8:38 AM on July 13, 2009

Are big boobs are a "type?" I think focusing so narrowly on this one physical characteristic takes you closer to this territory.
posted by The Straightener at 8:44 AM on July 13, 2009

I'll bet if you meet a woman who's really fabulous, and really fall for her, breast size won't be such a big deal. Instead of trying not to think about big boobs, try really paying attention to brains, sense of humor, kindness, or whatever qualities you really want in someone to spend your life with.
posted by theora55 at 8:45 AM on July 13, 2009

I guess the question is:

Just how much do you like big breasts? Can you feel attracted to a woman with smaller breasts, have good sex with her, but when a big-breasted woman walks by you can't help but look? If so, I don't think you really have a problem.

If you are dating flat-chested women just to be dating someone, and you genuinely don't feel attracted to them, that is a problem, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. Except look for a woman with big breasts.

Personally, I am attracted to large-breasted women, but not to the exclusion of other types. Maybe try to think od some other physical characteristic that you're attracted to, too? For me, there are a bunch. Once you think about it, you may realize your "type" is not as narrow as you're telling yourself.
posted by drjimmy11 at 8:46 AM on July 13, 2009

but I'm really interested in hearing other perspectives (male and female) relating to your preference for breast size in a partner and reconciling that with your reality, or even how you dealt with certain other physical aspects not meeting your 'ideals'.

Didn't have a breast issue, but did have certain idealized standard which I was clinging to which my girlfriend, now wife did not fit. Long story short, you have to weigh what you want: Are you going to let a completely awesome person get away because they don't fit a certain mold? That's the only question and only you can decide the answer.

If you decide to stay with the person, you have to look at the total package of who they are, rather than focusing on certain part, as those parts will change.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:49 AM on July 13, 2009

Love tends to erase "faults."
posted by heather-b at 8:50 AM on July 13, 2009

I've found myself surprised over time re what is "my type." Several of my most important and intense relationships have been with people who I would not have initially identified as my type. Maybe this will happen to you. For me, the quality and excitement of a relationship is built on the mental-emotional-humor connection, also how comfortable I feel, plus of course attraction. But the connection and the attraction parts are all intertwined.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 8:55 AM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

The problem with most physical characteristics is that they're not permanent. Hair falls out or turns grey, skin wrinkles and spots, breasts flop and deflate, eyes fade. Focusing too much on anything physical in a potential partner has the opportunity to end in disappointment down the road.

Oh many many times this. In high school and college, I was attracted to men who had outstanding hands. I still am - I saw a dude at the bus stop today with amazingly strong-looking hands and I almost swooned.

Does the fact that I married a man with fleshy, unmuscular hands mean that I "settled", that I'm usatisfied in the relationship? Of course not. For me, there is still companionship and sexual compatibility despite the fact that he's not a hand model. And 50 years from now, when both our hands are weak and mottled with age spots, we'll hopefully still be the same people inside.

There's also a strong amount of objectification when people talk about being sexually attracted to one characteristic of a person. Unfortunately, I can't marry just a pair of hands and you can't date just a pair of breasts - you have to date the whole person.
posted by muddgirl at 8:57 AM on July 13, 2009 [4 favorites]

heather-b: Love tends to erase "faults."

Couldn't agree more. But to get through the attraction phase to the love, there's got to be that initial little push provided by the intense physical attraction. Having said that, getting to know the flat chested ladies might provide some attraction to the part of the body that is the sexiest of all: the brain (mind, personality, whatever).

Also, it may be time to grow up and not be so obsessed with a single physical trait. Try to focus on the whole package, not just a particular selling point.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 8:59 AM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

Do you ever see women in real life that are your type (even if they're not attracted to you)? I ask because women with naturally large breasts are often a bit heavier because a bit of that is fat. So if you're only attracted to women with "athletic" bodies (no hips, not a big waist/hip ratio) but large breasts they probably aren't natural. If thats the case you might need to open up some of your other 'standards' to include larger women.

I have the same problem, being attracted to a certain kind of guy but the opposite being attracted to me. I haven't found an answer to this but it happens to girls too if that makes you feel any better.
posted by Bunglegirl at 9:03 AM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

Maybe you just haven't met that one special woman whom you are so attracted to that you are willing to overlook everything for.

As for myself, I never ever thought I will be sexually attracted to men who are shorter and skinnier than myself. I just hate the thought of being bigger than the guy -- I feel clumsy and fat and out of place. Then I met my boyfriend of two years, who, while not shorter, is the same height, and much skinnier. And guess what? It really doesn't matter.
posted by moiraine at 9:08 AM on July 13, 2009

Sadly, there are dozens of women under the knife right now because they, too, think big-breastedness is an ideal.

This issue is more complicated that a man being superficial and likely has roots in our biology (e.g., "Why do men seek younger mates?" is an age old question).

For now, though, it might be a deal-breaker...and that's OK. Later in life, other traits might override this priority. You'll have to figure out for yourself what's most important for you at the time.
posted by teg4rvn at 9:17 AM on July 13, 2009

It has often happened to me that I meet someone and there is just this great chemistry, sparks flying, but at the time of meeting him I think, well, he's okay-looking, kinda cute, not super-hot or anything. The attraction doesn't come from their physical appearance.

And then, as I get to know him better, and our relationship grows and develops and we are intimate, etc., I come to find him incredibly hot. Like, wake-up-in-the-morning-and-look-over-at-him-and-start-to-drool hot. I see pictures of him and am completely in awe of his handsomeness.

This has happened to me many times. Physical attraction can be symbiotic with other kinds of attraction. Keep that in mind as you begin a romantic interaction with someone - your sense of what's attractive may shift when it comes attached to the right person.
posted by mai at 9:41 AM on July 13, 2009 [10 favorites]

Physical attraction is a biological function- it's not programmed into you by "de evil Vogue Magazine" (or I guess in your case the PC would say Playboy).

The tail does not wag the dog.

I don't know what "Savage Love" is, but I agree- you have to go with what you are attracted to and not worry about what others think. It will all work out fine in the end. It works for me.
posted by Zambrano at 9:43 AM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think I'd ask whether you are more attracted to large breasts in the abstract or in particular (i.e. specific people). Because I have always thought that I preferred brunette hair to blonde hair, and yet, from jr high until now, I have only dated blondes. And at no point did I wish that any of them had darker hair-- what you like in the abstract may not have any relationship to what you actually like.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:44 AM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

I used to only be attracted to thin-statured, long-haired dudes. I went on a date with my current boyfriend because he seemed nice, even though I hadn't been immediately attracted to him when I first saw him. He is stockily, strongly built with somewhat close-cut blond hair--not my type at all. But after spending some time with him, I did become very attracted to him because of the way he carries his body.

Maybe you are attracted to large-breasted women because they tend to be confident about their attractiveness? My guess is that if you find an attractive woman with smaller breasts who knows that she is sexy, you could be turned on by her if you focused on how she holds herself and not on her cup size.
posted by Night_owl at 9:59 AM on July 13, 2009

I forgot to mention: I am still extremely attracted to thin, long-haired guys, and thicker built dudes still don't do it for me for the most part, but I am still starry-eyed hot for my guy.
posted by Night_owl at 10:07 AM on July 13, 2009

I'm into medium to medium large breasts. A girl who broke my heart horribly had non existent breasts (but lovely nipples). It was different being with her but she was really beautiful and sexy in her own way. I really miss her, to be honest. Her personality was really awesome and she was really cute.

She btw also had never shaved her legs or armpits, another thing that generally would be a dealbreaker for me. She made no apologies for it though and I was surprised at how ridiculously smooth her legs were. "I never shaved them, stupid, that's why".

Anyway, do you like these girls? Do you have good conversations with them? That's the important thing, I think. If you are really unattracted to them, that's a problem. If you are not sure, I'd at least get to know them.
posted by sully75 at 10:36 AM on July 13, 2009

In my experience, it is a heck of a lot more important what a person is willing to do with their reproductive equipment, than the dimensions of that equipment. I've been with women with DD cup sizes, and A cup sizes, and most sizes in between, and while there are certainly quantitative differences, it's the attitudinal differences that are more pronounced, I find. Generally, very well endowed women tend to be more assured in the initial phases of an affair, whereas less buxom women can sometimes be almost apologetic about themselves, partly, I think, because of how much womens' bust measurements are noted and commented upon in the real world.

But over time, a person is what they are (absent cosmetic surgery), and supposing one gets to that level of familiarity, actions, in the long run, mean a lot more, to me, than assets.
posted by paulsc at 11:00 AM on July 13, 2009

If you're attracted, you're attracted; if you're not, you're not. Try to make it less about one trait and more about: do they push your buttons, or not?

Dating someone you're not attracted to is bullshit. It shouldn't be a checklist so much as a gut check. If you're into someone, you'll know, you won't be checking her bra size.
posted by kathrineg at 11:04 AM on July 13, 2009 [4 favorites]

Oedipus, schmedipus...he married his mom but didn't know it. That stuff is a bit dated these days. Big breasts suggest an ability to nurture etc...but there are other wualities you would want in a mother of your children.
posted by Postroad at 11:21 AM on July 13, 2009

Before Mr. WanKenobi, I was into tall, pale skinny guys, often with long, dark hair. So, goth dudes and ravers, mostly.

Then I met him and realized that making out with someone around my height was awesome. And the fact that he had fair hair and wasn't a totally pale ghost of a thing wasn't so bad, either.

Mostly, I've realized that he's cute because I like him. Which has opened my eyes to checking out all sorts of other men who wouldn't normally be my "type." These days, I sort of think tall goth dudes are passe. Sorry, tall goth dudes.

I say, give all sorts of ladies a chance. A chance at a conversation, at least--if there's a spark of chemistry there, don't turn someone down because they don't fit your "standards," because those standards are apt to change over time, anyway.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:48 AM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

Everyone will tell you that you can't have the perfect partner because that person doesn't exist. They'll also tell you that you shouldn't be picky because, hey, just how great do you think you are anyway, Hot Shot? True though these may be, it's a losing game to try to convince yourself that you're satisfied with something you're not. A great deal of human sexuality is predicated upon pretty superficial trivialities; but no matter how trivial these things are, they still have an effect on your emotional landscape. You'll have a hard time finding a Nobel Laureate Playboy Bunny with a PhD in astrophysics milling around your local pub, but that doesn't mean that you should date someone you're not attracted to in a effort to 'be reasonable'.

That said, there's no reason not to date people who are interested in dating you. You may discover that what you thought was a deal breaker (small breasts) becomes a non-issue when offset by her wonderful humor, absorbing eyes or willingness to do 'that thing' you've always liked but were too embarrassed to ask for. Either way, you might have fun.

Worst case scenario you have a fun time with someone but confirm your predilection for larger boobs. Good luck.
posted by Pecinpah at 11:59 AM on July 13, 2009 [3 favorites]

Hey, haven't you heard, more than a handful's a waste! Seriously though, I think you'll find that if this is the woman for you, things like this will cease to matter. It's a cliche, but true in my experience -- when you love someone, their flaws aren't dealbreakers. (Not that being small chested is a flaw, per say, but you get the idea).
posted by diocletian at 12:06 PM on July 13, 2009

My question is, is your game suffering because you get nervous around your type? The converse of this might be that the women who are not your type are getting more attracted to your aloofness. That's a lose-lose for everyone.

I agree with many others on here about not trying to talk yourself into what you're attracted to or not attracted to. What a waste of time! I think you should probably examine the possibility of above and go out "climb the mountain" and see if it's that good.
posted by No New Diamonds Please at 12:10 PM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

I used to have a pretty specific type, too, usually involving tall, rail-thin guys with dark hair and severely geometic eyeglasses and copies of Ulysses on their shelves next to their impressive CD collections.

Then I met my boyfriend who's a muscular guy who's half and inch shorter than me, with thinning hair and drugstore reading glasses and a penchant for comic books and stereo cameras. He's also the funniest, warmest, sexiest man I've ever met, and I thank my lucky stars every day that I decided sometime in my mid-30s that being in doomed relationships with guys who superficially met my "requirements" was not a path I wanted to continue to go down. I made that switch, mentally and emotionally, by starting to value myself by my internal qualities rather than my physical characteristics or material possessions... and noticed, as a welcome and surprising corrollary, that how I related to other people changed in the exact same way.
posted by scody at 1:54 PM on July 13, 2009 [4 favorites]

Smell is more important than anything else.

Besides, tastes change over time. You may be a breast man now, but you may end up an ass man.

But smell rules all.
posted by KokuRyu at 2:04 PM on July 13, 2009

It's either very refreshing (or perhaps somewhat depressing) to hear so many women say, in different words, "My guy isn't that good looking, but since he's my guy..." all in response to an original poster who is essentially stating, "I love big tits."

We haven't heard back from the OP, but based on some of the commentary from lady-MeFi-ers, he might end up more likely to look for the Hooters girl of his dreams, 'cuz all he'll need is charm and wit.
posted by teg4rvn at 2:16 PM on July 13, 2009

"My guy isn't that good looking, but since he's my guy..."

My guy's totally good-looking. He's just good-looking in a way that didn't turn my crank till the moment I met him, at which point I was hit with the proverbial lightning bolt.

And yeah, it's all about chemistry. We were clearly crazy about each other about fifteen minutes into our first date. An hour into the date, we had both declared it was the best first date ever. (Incidentally, I'm small-busted, and from what I've seen from pics, a good number of his previous girlfriends were of the large-busted variety. Just goes to show you: pheromones can indeed trump cup size.)
posted by scody at 2:22 PM on July 13, 2009 [4 favorites]

I'll never forget the experience of being hit on by a woman who had elephant man's disease. She was married. I was amazed that her confidence and powerful aura totally blew by both my defenses against a married woman hitting on me and my previously hidden fear of falling for someone with a deformity and what that might "say" about my value as a man. Now I didn't do anything with her, but I did feel a gut tug when that woman would flirt with me. I learned a real lot about attraction right then.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:26 PM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

Naturally big-chested girl here:

Life is really difficult with big boobs, real ones that you've had since puberty. The insecurity goes both ways. Hearing things like "more than a handful is a waste" and being embarrassed and awkward and teased and emotionally and physically in pain takes its toll. We have our own stereotypes and cruel jokes. (Breast reduction patients are among the most satisfied of plastic-surgery recipients.) So I am all for guys who are happy with big boobs. No one complains about superficiality when a guy says he likes small boobs (plenty of guys say this, to girls with big boobs for some reason).

It's nice when a guy is evidently appreciative. It's been a lot of trouble in my life lugging these things around, and if not for the joy they'll give a guy I'm with, then for what?

Now obviously there's a line. I don't want to be fetishized or objectified. My boobs are not there for you, although I'm happy if you enjoy them; just be sure that I'm enjoying what you're enjoying. So if it's a fetish we're talking about, or you're looking at cup size to the exclusion of all other qualities, then you'll have problems. If it's just something that's a significant component of what you're attracted to (eg, I like broad shoulders), then I don't think you should be forcing yourself to be attracted to something you're not.

I have to agree with the above observation that maybe you're acting awkwardly around big-chested girls. Otherwise, I really can't imagine what kind of inherent difference there would be that would make you attractive only to flat-chested girls.

So, some tips:
PLEASE learn to control yourself and not stare at the boobs -- it's 100% possible.
Do not make any comments about the boobs until her shirt is off with you in private. None whatsoever. Basically don't discuss boobs at all in public in front of a big-chested girl that you're interested in. If everyone else is talking about boobs, stay silent.
Never, over the course of your entire relationship, play target-practice with the cleavage (unless she offers).
Don't attempt "that thing you saw them do in that porn" on your first night with her. It's really awkward, and annoying, if it hasn't been discussed beforehand.
After a few shirtless sessions, mention how "beautiful" they are -- goes a long way.
posted by thebazilist at 2:54 PM on July 13, 2009 [8 favorites]

I agree with thebazilist 100%. I'm another naturally large chested girl on a small frame, which has caused me great consternation more than half my life due to lecherous, creepy men. This is a daily thing. Are you giving these large breasted women the wrong kind of attention? Staring at or talking about their boobs is OFF LIMITS at all times. It's not hard for a guy to go from "ok, he's datable" to "oh god no fucking way" in two seconds due to how he acts because of the way I'm shaped. I also agree with thebazilist in the fact that there's more a stigma attached to only liking big boobs as opposed to just liking small ones. You just have to ask yourself if this is a serious deal breaker. I personally cannot date a guy thats chubby or bigger. I cannot be turned on by that kind of physique but it has never caused me any issues in getting dates. If you can't get a date because your preferences are too specific, then maybe it's time to give other physical types a shot.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 3:10 PM on July 13, 2009

I think barring straight up fetish or stunted adolescent fantasy over reality issues, chemistry is the actual thing you're alluding to, and yes, sometimes it goes outside of on-paper "type." But only you know if you have chemistry with someone or not. I'm not my guy's type--like you he's really into curviness, not just breasts but the entire hourglass figure, bubble-butt package--but other aspects of me, plus the fact what I DO have is rockin' on its own terms (I'm not curvy but he thinks my frame and everything else about my, uh, chest area is perfect--complexion, shape, all that stuff, whatever), lead to his immediate awed appreciation of me physically. Maybe what you're getting at is that the other chicks didn't have chemistry with you anyway. And you're guessing it can be simplified down to boob size (it might be a leading factor, but I sort of highly doubt it's just that probably didn't have chemistry anyway for other reasons too) so you can avoid mistakes or something, shortcut the process in the future. But it doesn't work that way. Chemistry is convoluted and multi-faceted, sometimes even mysterious. Listen to that instinct, don't just mentally whip out a checklist and do an inventory search when you're with someone.

THAT SAID, if the issue is you didn't have chemistry with these ladies--regardless of the various nebulous reasons involved--the point is, yeah, it's ok to make that a dealbreaker. Do not fall into the trap of dating people because they're nice enough, nothing's markedly "wrong" with them, and hey, it's better than being single, etc etc. I'm admittedly jaded about this, because I dated guys who did this--most girls can eventually tell when a guy they're with is settling for them when it comes to sexy times. And that feeling? It fucking sucks. So make sure you do really love getting down with the people you choose to date if you're going into it with a serious relationship mindset, yeah. The specifics of that appreciation vary, so maybe it's all about the boobs sometimes and maybe not other times. The criteria for the chemistry is a moot point and is probably a little murky/unknowable all-around. The important thing is just having the chemistry and giving it room to breathe, even if it doesn't fit your on-paper ideals. Chemistry itself is a dealbreaker, though, yes. Don't feel like a jerk about that...honestly, it'd make you more of a jerk (in my eyes anyway) if it wasn't and you just "settled" for some poor comfortably nice girl you didn't really dig. She deserves to be with someone who finds her smokin' hot just as she is. You do too. Don't waste this time.
posted by ifjuly at 3:12 PM on July 13, 2009

Well, for what it's worth I will offer the perspective of someone who was involved in my younger years with some great men. Long term relationships, deep and passionate. All of them progressive. Two of them constantly ruminating about larger breasts and blond hair as an ideal. I loved them, loved being physical with them, had a great personal connection with them. Knocked myself out to please them sexually. Eventually, their running sound track about Barbie killed any sexual desire I had for them. Got bored. Left them for someone else. And you know what? Had their girlfriend/wife complain to me that they could never measure up to the memory of me. I even took both of the guys aside and pointed this out to them. So I'm just saying you are looking at really ruining the relationships you do have.
Just sayin'.
posted by effluvia at 3:15 PM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

There are a lot of great, warm loving women out there who would make excellent partners for me. They have breasts of all sizes, and they are all beautiful in their own unique way. Despite this, I don't want them and I don't even consider having a relationship to them. I'm closed to the idea of a romance, and I dismiss them in favour of what I want, a more limited choice. You see, I'm a (mostly) heterosexual woman and I just can't seem to be attracted to my own gender.

My point being that equal opportunity is for employers, not lovers. It’s also not like big pillowy breasts are important except in so far as the cause the owner back pain, and as long as you acknowledge that boob size is only reflective of how well it turns your crank, and not of anything about the women they’re attached to, you’re okay. As many posters say, you may end up perfectly happy with Miss Flat, but that’s no biggie, you’ll just be perfectly happy and attracted to her.
posted by Phalene at 3:56 PM on July 13, 2009

I am so confused about what people mean when they say "attracted to", after reading this thread. Are they talking about "characteristics that get my rocks off when I watch porn"? "Characteristics that make me take a second look on the street"? Or do they mean, "Characteristics that lead to short- or long-term sexual chemistry"? Because for me these are three (four, really) different things. So it's becoming hard for me to say how productive the OP may be in dating outside his "type".
posted by muddgirl at 4:01 PM on July 13, 2009

Some good answers and a lot of goofy stuff in here. Yes, being open-minded is a good thing generally, but you should not date someone you're not attracted to in an effort to be open-minded -- that won't end well for you or her. There is nothing wrong with liking what you like and you don't have to apologize for it.

Yes, looks fade (to varying degrees -- older people can still be fit and attractive) but, so what? First, the OP didn't say he was looking for a life-partner, and even if he was that still doesn't mean it's wrong to want someone who looks good now. And yes, you should consider the whole person -- and part of a whole person is their looks.

In your life you will meet people whom you get along very well with and could possibly have a great romantic relationship with, except that you aren't attracted to them. You'll also meet people whom you're very attracted to but do not relate to or get along with. Neither of these groups will make for good romantic partners, and realizing this will save a lot of heartache.

I think this pretty much sums it up:

If you're attracted, you're attracted; if you're not, you're not. Try to make it less about one trait and more about: do they push your buttons, or not?

Dating someone you're not attracted to is bullshit. It shouldn't be a checklist so much as a gut check. If you're into someone, you'll know, you won't be checking her bra size.

However, the part of your question that seems odd to me is where you say "the only women attracted to me recently always tend to be quite flat to small-chested." Are you approaching women that you find attractive? What happens when you do? It could be that you're afraid of being rejected by women you really want, so you choose the safe option of flirting only with women you're not really into.
posted by ludwig_van at 6:10 PM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

As others have said, the fact that you're not awkward or shy around the women you're less attracted to is probably making you a lot more attractive to them. The problem is your own self-image of your desirability.

Not every apparent dealbreaker really is a dealbreaker, especially if it's not any kind of physical characteristic. You might meet someone you initially don't find attractive and it might just click for you. However, some characteristics really are dealbreakers for some people, even against their best interests and their happiness. Don't beat yourself up over it, and don't listen to the people who call you "shallow" just for not having the same range of preferences that they themselves do. I am convinced that there are many more gradations in sexual orientation than merely being "gay or straight, please tick one or both".

As for physical change over time, that shouldn't be a problem, because it's gradual. Assuming you stay in love with your long-term partner, continue to have good sex, and spend a lot of time together, your sense of what is attractive should change along with her; and even where it doesn't, you still have an image in your memory of her as she was. Ask anyone who has stayed in love with their partner for decades through gain and loss of weight, changes of hairstyle and dress, etc. They're still them.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 9:02 PM on July 13, 2009

follow-up from the OP. I can't mark best answer, so here they are.
I just want to thank everyone for the range of responses submitted here, it's given me alot to think about, and I hope other people that posted on the thread also got something out of it. That said, after further reflection, there are some points that were pointed out in the following threads (if possible, you can mark these as best answers) that I think resonated most clearly.
posted by jessamyn at 9:07 AM on July 14, 2009

I was engaged to a guy who was pretty much the opposite of my physical ideal. I gave it my best shot, but our sex life was always rather poor. The next guy I dated was much more my style and everything was so much easier physically. As much as you can rationalize being with the awesomest flat-chested girlfriend in the world, it will probably always be a little bit harder than dating somebody with your ideal physique.
posted by timoni at 3:40 PM on July 14, 2009

So just to throw one more out there, I am attracted to blond haired, blue-eyed hairless guys with nice round butts. My current boyfriend has brown hair, brown eyes, is a yeti and not so much with the butt. Sexual chemistry is off the chain. Love the guy to pieces. Lesson? If it's right, it's right, it doesn't matter what it looks like.

A caveat: men are more visual than women, and I have a guy friend who has a similar issue with large breasts (ie flat breast = no erection) and he's blissed out living with his large-breasted lady.

Do you have a problem? Probably not. Just be open. If some hot chick with mosquito bites starts chatting you up, don't run away because the chest is small. If you stop worrying about it, the issue will resolve itself most likely.
posted by anniek at 6:54 PM on July 14, 2009

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