Your cranium called, it's got some space to rent.

July 9, 2009 11:29 AM

What could George's comeback to the "jerk store" retort have been?

For those who don't remember the setup, here is wikipedia's summary:

George Costanza has a conflict with one of his coworkers at the New York Yankees named Reilly (Joel Polis). When Reilly catches George stuffing himself with shrimp cocktail at a meeting, Reilly remarks: "Hey George, the ocean called; they're running out of shrimp." Slow-witted George cannot think of a comeback until later, while driving to the tennis club to meet Jerry. His comeback is: "Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you." George suffers from l'esprit de l'escalier and becomes obsessed with recreating the encounter so that he can make use of his comeback. . . .

George flies to Akron, Ohio, sets up a meeting, and brings a tray of shrimp just to try out the jerk store line. When he says it, however, Reilly shoots back with "What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller." George, unprepared for this ends up using Kramer's line "Oh yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!" He is then told that Reilly's wife is in a coma.

The episode concludes like this:

[George's Car]

Once again, George drives along, frustrated and angry.

GEORGE: 'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the life support machine called and...

He tails off, as he can't think of anywhere to go. Then a look of enlightenment comes to George's face, as he thinks of something.

GEORGE: (shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've said! (frustration) D'ohh!

George looks gutted for a second, then a determined expression comes to his face. He swings the car round with a squeal of tires, and heads back towards the airport.

GEORGE: (cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) You're meat, Reilly! You just screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!

[END]

I realize this isn't the point of the joke, but I've always wondered what he could have said to win the exchange. Any ideas?

posted by hayvac to Society & Culture (16 answers total)

There's nothing that he could have said to win the exchange - that's the point. The guy's wife is in a coma - that's not another put down to "one up", but George, being George, thinks of it that way.
posted by moxiedoll at 11:53 AM on July 9, 2009

"i heard the hospital called and said all your wife does is just lay there."
posted by lester at 11:57 AM on July 9, 2009 [5 favorites]

Moxie's right. But to try to answer your question, you'd have to plum the depths of George's evilness.

So:

Well, the life support machine called, and it said --

* that the only thing your wife likes plugged into her more than IT, is ME!

* that the only thing flatter than her brain waves is her chest!

* that it wants someone to pull the plug on IT!

None of those are great. On the other hand, though, I'm going to hell.
posted by lexfri at 11:59 AM on July 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

Sorry. Plumb the depths.
posted by lexfri at 12:00 PM on July 9, 2009

You can't insult the wife. She's in a coma.

How about: "Your wife's in a coma? Then what the fuck are you doing at this goddamn meeting? Instead of being with your wife in her hour of need, you're sitting here laughing about my lunch! You're either the worst husband ever or one desperate working stiff. You're like Jack Lemon in Glengarry Glen Ross. 'I've got to go on a sit. Gotta get on the big board.' You think I'm gonna' give you the leads? Coffee is for closers asshole. You are one dumb fuck."

or something like that.
posted by originalname37 at 12:13 PM on July 9, 2009

Response by poster: I was thinking of something to replace the "I had sex with your wife!" line, but the burns about having a comatose wife are almost funnier.
posted by hayvac at 12:15 PM on July 9, 2009

Best answer: "Yeah I know; last night was intense"
"Are you sure she didn't just fall asleep on top of you?"
"The hospital called, your wife's dead. Dead ugly."
"The widower store called, seems they're about to get a new shipment of YOU"
"Oh really? What's the vet's prognosis?"
posted by nomad at 12:25 PM on July 9, 2009 [18 favorites]

I was thinking of something to replace the "I had sex with your wife!"

Oh, in that case, how about "Oh ho, and once again I'm more desirable than you!"
posted by losvedir at 12:26 PM on July 9, 2009

Guy: My wife's in a coma.

George: Yeah, but she woke up in the middle of it and told me she never loved you.
posted by box at 12:27 PM on July 9, 2009 [5 favorites]

Guy: What's the difference? You're their all-time bestseller.

George: No, you're thinking of 'Gone With the Wind.'
posted by box at 12:32 PM on July 9, 2009

woke up in the middle of it and told me...

you never satisfied her.
posted by box at 12:38 PM on July 9, 2009

Comebacks for the "What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller." line:
"That's only because it takes them longer to manufacture your giant head!"
"The difference is that you fill the tiny penis niche"
"Because I'm the best at getting jerked... your wife's on the weekly delivery plan!"
posted by nomad at 12:47 PM on July 9, 2009

I totally disagree that the coma one is impossible to come back from. It's much easier to think of coma jokes. After awhile, the Jerk Store metaphor gets stretched to the breaking point.
posted by nomad at 12:49 PM on July 9, 2009

"You're thinking of the Awesome Store, next door. I'm the all-time best seller there."
posted by jabberjaw at 2:00 PM on July 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

She's not in a coma, she's just faking it so you'll go away.
posted by Bonzai at 2:38 PM on July 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

Reilly: What's the difference? You're their all-time bestseller.
George: What they'd do, promote you to stock-boy?

alternatively

Reilly: My wife's in a coma
George: Mine just tells me she has a headache, you must really be a piece of work.
posted by syntheticfaith at 4:05 AM on September 1, 2009 [1 favorite]