Grad school self-sabotage
June 24, 2009 12:47 PM Subscribe
Please, help me deal with a justified last-minute anxiety, regarding a Very Important oral presentation (end of the year research presentation), that will introduce a more than average research (due to personal problems, which interfered with academic work). Also, help me think about the right attitude to adopt towards my teachers on D-day.
Hello, and sorry in advance for the length this may take. My story may be related to this one , this , and this as well
I am a student in my 1st year of grad school, in a country where university isn't expensive at all. My program doesn't make selections before accepting students in grad school, as their policy is to let them in and see their capacities, then selecting them for the next year (= about 30% of us end up making it into the next levels). In order to maximize chances to be selected, 1/3 of the students decide to divide the academic content of that first year, over 2 years, which I decided to do, very late last schoolyear.
Students are led to enroll in research and in the writing of something very similar to a scientific paper on their own, in collaboration with advisors as part of the credits, aside of full-time courses and internships 1 day a week. The program is known to be a tough one in its field. I made a research in collaboration with a very sweet and understanding advisor/researcher. She went along with the repetitive and irritating delays each of my writing pieces and experiments had to take, very gracefully, partly due to my sincerity and motivation towards work. These delays were the results of procrastination, and of a clouded mind about half of the time. These being heavily caused by social and performance anxiety as well as depression issues I have been dealing with in therapy, with medication, for 2 years now. It has gotten better, but my time management definately needs improvement
(These issues started showing up like never before only a few months into grad school.. which didn't leave me with a choice but to continue)
The problem is that all these delays got me horribly late for the presentation I needed to make at the end of the year (next monday to be precise), and as i had sent her the various parts of my writing separatel during the year, i ended up sending her the last and most important part exactly 2 days before due date, when all teachers would have access to it. Busy as she is, and having let me know that she wouldn't be very available these days, she trusted me to hand it it, and even found time to read it once, sending it back to me about 2 hours before i printed it.
Having dealt with my time as usual, and being too busy re-reading my 60 pages long paper, in bad need of sleep, with shaky hands, I was adjusting and checkig my graphics, etc... I was horrified to see that she had underlined a single thing in each paragraph, and was asking me to reconsider them, the way I had expressed certain ideas but also a few key elements (such as all the statistics I had done, including the ones that didn't show any significant results)... I couldn't have gathered and edited all this information by myself, in such little time. I did all that I could, but ended up giving back a booklet that bears every proof of me being somehow slack and uncaring, etc.... (for the second half of the paper.. the first half being of a good quality). Some pages don't match the summary, some elements are missing... Overally, it isn't entirely bad, except that my instructors are probably laughing at the moment, thinking I gave them a work that lacked an average week weeks of re-reading, editing / etc. They are strict, and by no means would I be able to fool them by saying that these errors were technical (as a friend suggested).
Presently, I feel devastated, as I have felt every once in a while since school started.... Too well aware that my relationship to deadlines and to the assignments that I am given by professors is compulsory. And I know that my reason to procrastinate is merely a fear of disapointing them. (usually, as soon as I hand my work in, I purposefuly stay away about the topic, and everything related, despite enjoying my work and having picked it myself out of many others........ because I have been so very scared by the whole "adventure".)
In case it is relevant, I am a 23y female, and I decided during the last 6 months to make a change of major, in which i have been accepted thanks to the grades i got in the last years....; So my future isn't at stake here, as I will start a new gradschool program next fall, in another city, and am forsaking this field of study for now, for valid reasons (the other field offers more stable jobs, has better recognition, and it will probably match my personality much better). I intend on making solid changes, documenting myself sufficiently on time management and the likes, and dealing with all the lessons I learned the hard way, during the coming summer.
As a side information, my university doesn't really put health services in touch with teachers as it is the case in america, in order to help them out in difficult times.
I know there is no easy way to go through next monday, and am scared to be overwhelmed by emotions, because I feel like I have never wanted anything like this to happen. I am scared to death of the reaction my teachers will have. They will probably only ask questions, be cold, and let me go. But... even though my conclusions are alright and can be justified, I am really shaky. There is no way I can justify the poor quality of my work, because my personal life isn't of any interest to them.
Do you have any advice on what I could do or say to balance my emotions and be at my best ? Also, would it be acceptable to hand in another paper, that would have been corrected ? I cannot ask my advisor anything regarding this, as she has said she will be unreachable until the day of the examination. Thank you in advance, hive mind.
Hello, and sorry in advance for the length this may take. My story may be related to this one , this , and this as well
I am a student in my 1st year of grad school, in a country where university isn't expensive at all. My program doesn't make selections before accepting students in grad school, as their policy is to let them in and see their capacities, then selecting them for the next year (= about 30% of us end up making it into the next levels). In order to maximize chances to be selected, 1/3 of the students decide to divide the academic content of that first year, over 2 years, which I decided to do, very late last schoolyear.
Students are led to enroll in research and in the writing of something very similar to a scientific paper on their own, in collaboration with advisors as part of the credits, aside of full-time courses and internships 1 day a week. The program is known to be a tough one in its field. I made a research in collaboration with a very sweet and understanding advisor/researcher. She went along with the repetitive and irritating delays each of my writing pieces and experiments had to take, very gracefully, partly due to my sincerity and motivation towards work. These delays were the results of procrastination, and of a clouded mind about half of the time. These being heavily caused by social and performance anxiety as well as depression issues I have been dealing with in therapy, with medication, for 2 years now. It has gotten better, but my time management definately needs improvement
(These issues started showing up like never before only a few months into grad school.. which didn't leave me with a choice but to continue)
The problem is that all these delays got me horribly late for the presentation I needed to make at the end of the year (next monday to be precise), and as i had sent her the various parts of my writing separatel during the year, i ended up sending her the last and most important part exactly 2 days before due date, when all teachers would have access to it. Busy as she is, and having let me know that she wouldn't be very available these days, she trusted me to hand it it, and even found time to read it once, sending it back to me about 2 hours before i printed it.
Having dealt with my time as usual, and being too busy re-reading my 60 pages long paper, in bad need of sleep, with shaky hands, I was adjusting and checkig my graphics, etc... I was horrified to see that she had underlined a single thing in each paragraph, and was asking me to reconsider them, the way I had expressed certain ideas but also a few key elements (such as all the statistics I had done, including the ones that didn't show any significant results)... I couldn't have gathered and edited all this information by myself, in such little time. I did all that I could, but ended up giving back a booklet that bears every proof of me being somehow slack and uncaring, etc.... (for the second half of the paper.. the first half being of a good quality). Some pages don't match the summary, some elements are missing... Overally, it isn't entirely bad, except that my instructors are probably laughing at the moment, thinking I gave them a work that lacked an average week weeks of re-reading, editing / etc. They are strict, and by no means would I be able to fool them by saying that these errors were technical (as a friend suggested).
Presently, I feel devastated, as I have felt every once in a while since school started.... Too well aware that my relationship to deadlines and to the assignments that I am given by professors is compulsory. And I know that my reason to procrastinate is merely a fear of disapointing them. (usually, as soon as I hand my work in, I purposefuly stay away about the topic, and everything related, despite enjoying my work and having picked it myself out of many others........ because I have been so very scared by the whole "adventure".)
In case it is relevant, I am a 23y female, and I decided during the last 6 months to make a change of major, in which i have been accepted thanks to the grades i got in the last years....; So my future isn't at stake here, as I will start a new gradschool program next fall, in another city, and am forsaking this field of study for now, for valid reasons (the other field offers more stable jobs, has better recognition, and it will probably match my personality much better). I intend on making solid changes, documenting myself sufficiently on time management and the likes, and dealing with all the lessons I learned the hard way, during the coming summer.
As a side information, my university doesn't really put health services in touch with teachers as it is the case in america, in order to help them out in difficult times.
I know there is no easy way to go through next monday, and am scared to be overwhelmed by emotions, because I feel like I have never wanted anything like this to happen. I am scared to death of the reaction my teachers will have. They will probably only ask questions, be cold, and let me go. But... even though my conclusions are alright and can be justified, I am really shaky. There is no way I can justify the poor quality of my work, because my personal life isn't of any interest to them.
Do you have any advice on what I could do or say to balance my emotions and be at my best ? Also, would it be acceptable to hand in another paper, that would have been corrected ? I cannot ask my advisor anything regarding this, as she has said she will be unreachable until the day of the examination. Thank you in advance, hive mind.
I just presented a Master's thesis, so I know how nerve wracking this stuff can be. If you're questioned about why the work is sub-par, I would say stuff along the lines of "It was not my best effort and I understand that continuing the program or X requires more support/input. I have made arrangements for this with X teacher/counselor/advisor." You can admit you screwed up without spilling the mental health beans. I think it looks better to own up to stuff and present a plan of action rather than ignoring the missteps or being like, "Yeah I totally suck, you're right." Good luck.
posted by ShadePlant at 1:18 PM on June 24, 2009
posted by ShadePlant at 1:18 PM on June 24, 2009
So.... you procrastinated and handed in last-minute work which was of sub-par quality. But it doesn't matter in the long term because you're leaving this field and switching schools anyway.
Is that a fair summary?
Iit seems to me that there's nothing bad that your examiners can tell you that you haven't already told yourself a dozen times in much worse ways. And trust me: you won't be the first student they've seen who's put themselves in this situation.
You're correct that your anxiety and other issues aren't your teacher's responsibility. (This would be the case in America, too, incidentally.) Just get through this for now -- it will likely be unpleasant, but since there are no long term consequences for you no matter what they do, all you have to do is get through it. Be polite, be honest, acknowledge where your work could have been improved, and above all don't make excuses.
(But try to keep some perspective: small formatting issues such as your page numbers not matching the summary are not that big a deal, assuming the core concepts are accurate. And your instructors are not "laughing at you".)
Then, seriously, seek help regarding your anxiety etc before you begin your new program in your new school, so you don't do this to yourself again.
posted by ook at 2:38 PM on June 24, 2009
Is that a fair summary?
Iit seems to me that there's nothing bad that your examiners can tell you that you haven't already told yourself a dozen times in much worse ways. And trust me: you won't be the first student they've seen who's put themselves in this situation.
You're correct that your anxiety and other issues aren't your teacher's responsibility. (This would be the case in America, too, incidentally.) Just get through this for now -- it will likely be unpleasant, but since there are no long term consequences for you no matter what they do, all you have to do is get through it. Be polite, be honest, acknowledge where your work could have been improved, and above all don't make excuses.
(But try to keep some perspective: small formatting issues such as your page numbers not matching the summary are not that big a deal, assuming the core concepts are accurate. And your instructors are not "laughing at you".)
Then, seriously, seek help regarding your anxiety etc before you begin your new program in your new school, so you don't do this to yourself again.
posted by ook at 2:38 PM on June 24, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Think_Long at 1:05 PM on June 24, 2009