Do you know retorts similar to "that's what she said?"

June 21, 2009 7:23 PM

I'm looking for retorts similar to "that's what she said." Phrases that turn a sentence someone else has uttered into a double entendre. The one's I know are "as the actress said to the bishop," "I hardly know her" and "twenty bucks, same as in town."
posted by Kattullus to Writing & Language (73 answers total)

Response by poster: Oh, and I could've sworn that there was a thread on MetaFilter full of these but I couldn't find it anywhere.
posted by Kattullus at 7:24 PM on June 21, 2009

I think the smartass one-liners you're looking for make up about half my posting history.

So, you know, help yourself.*

(*That's what your mom said to me last night, btw.)
posted by rokusan at 7:32 PM on June 21, 2009

You might lose friends, but here ya go:

I know you are, but what am I?
Why don't ya marry it then?
...the blind man said, to his deaf wife.
That's not what you said last night.
Hey, watch your mouth!
At least buy me dinner first.
Say that again. Slooowwwwerrrr.
posted by The Deej at 7:43 PM on June 21, 2009

The one I hear far too often is "If by X you mean not-X" where the responder replaces one word from the statement (X) with it's opposite (not-X). I love this so much, if by love I mean hate with the fire of a thousand suns.
posted by allen.spaulding at 7:51 PM on June 21, 2009 [3 favorites]

One I overuse is "that reminds me of the movie I downloaded last night".
posted by nowonmai at 7:55 PM on June 21, 2009

Best answer: One of my friends says "I knew a girl like that once.."
And yea, "that's not what you said last night" is much more applicable to a lot of conversations.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 7:58 PM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

I use this line to tease my students when they say "See you later.......not if I see you first".

I still giggle over an observation I heard many years ago...."What, exactly, do atheists say when they have sex?" ;)
posted by effluvia at 7:58 PM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Best answer: "That's not what she said." "That's not what I heard." "That's not what your wife told me." "Your mama."


And Letterman does these often...

"Sounds like my first wife."
"Sounds like my honeymoon."

For some reason I find retorts like these funnier than stuff like "That's what she said" and "I don't even know her!" I guess they rely more on vagueness? I just don't find more pain than humor in exchanges like "But it's so hard."/"That's what she said!"
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 8:07 PM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Er, I just find more pain than humor.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 8:07 PM on June 21, 2009

Best answer: My wife always uses "...said the girl at the picnic."

Well, not always, but occasionally when it comes up.

(...said the girl at the picnic.)
posted by bondcliff at 8:10 PM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

"On Uranus."
posted by iconomy at 8:14 PM on June 21, 2009

Best answer: You can get detention for saying that's what she said.

The juvenile retort we've been overusing in the office lately is "like your mom" or "like your dad" to anything that could even be remotely dirty sounding.
posted by birdherder at 8:14 PM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Double entendre? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
posted by NortonDC at 8:18 PM on June 21, 2009 [3 favorites]

"Between the sheets."
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 8:25 PM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Of course the historical "Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch"
posted by Rubbstone at 8:29 PM on June 21, 2009 [2 favorites]

On you maybe.
posted by grobstein at 8:30 PM on June 21, 2009

(Obviously, you're not a golfer.)
posted by grobstein at 8:30 PM on June 21, 2009

I've heard "In bed" (over)used for this purpose.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 8:47 PM on June 21, 2009

Whenever I hear a train, a truck backing up, or a loud boat horn, I always say "your mom's here." OK, not always, but if I'm with a good friend.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 8:49 PM on June 21, 2009 [3 favorites]

When giving back money you owe to people - "this is for last night"
posted by KateHasQuestions at 8:49 PM on June 21, 2009 [2 favorites]

I've heard "so's your face", and there's also "You're a (XYZ)" with (XYZ) being what you just mentioned earlier. Sometimes this gets really silly:

A: Hey, this computer needs a reboot.
B: YOU NEED A REBOOT!
A: Uh...
posted by divabat at 8:57 PM on June 21, 2009 [3 favorites]

Best answer: If you want to go fake Shakespearian I'm a huge fan of "So Sayeth She."
posted by Uncle at 9:00 PM on June 21, 2009

"...that's not what you mother told me in bed last night..."
posted by karizma at 9:16 PM on June 21, 2009

Best answer: I annoy the hell out of certain people with a "ha, ha, ha - that's what ALL the girls say!" at every possible double-entendre moment.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:26 PM on June 21, 2009

"I'm sorry, what?"
"Moving right along...."
"Awkwaaaaaaaaard."
posted by jimfl at 9:29 PM on June 21, 2009

Best answer: "Wink wink, nudge nudge" or the old standby "...if you know what I mean" (or the elaboration "if you know what I mean ... and I think you do!"
posted by wintersweet at 9:32 PM on June 21, 2009

If you still use checks, write "For Sexual Favors" , "Last night was worth every penny" or "For condoms, lube, etc" on the memo line.
posted by nooneyouknow at 9:34 PM on June 21, 2009 [2 favorites]

"On Uranus."

Kornheiser on "Pardon the Interruption" loves this one, although (hopefully) the joke is in the lameness of the running gag, not the joke itself. "Tony, did you hear that NASA has released new photos of Mars?" "That's great, but when are they releasing photos of Uranus?!" Cue Wilbon's annoyed fake laughter.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 9:42 PM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

"...I'd buy THAT for a dollar!"

You may be able to dig up a few at macros2000.com, though the focus there is more "random" than "double-entendre".
posted by Lazlo at 10:06 PM on June 21, 2009

I say, "If you're going to be that way, I just won't go," which is the punchline to a long-forgotten joke about a rabbit and a bear (I think.)
posted by sugarfish at 10:08 PM on June 21, 2009

"...funny, I heard some people talking about that the other day." [...] "Yeah, they were saying the same thing [raise voice] about your mom. AHWWWWWHHH."

The trick isn't the about your mom so much as it is the initial impression you give that you're just returning the lob of a three-quarters-not-really-listening conversation.
posted by mindsound at 10:26 PM on June 21, 2009

I just want to add "Well, there's your problem!" and "....in my/your pants!"
posted by ninazer0 at 10:48 PM on June 21, 2009

I've become partial lately to "story of my life" (with ", man" as necessary).
posted by The Bridge on the River Kai Ryssdal at 11:03 PM on June 21, 2009

The one retort I actual will use (and I'm a little ashamed to admit to it, hence posting so long after the initial one), comes after someone has said something that manages to be both vehement, but not fully thought-out. I usually respond with "that's just like your opinion, man."
posted by allen.spaulding at 11:18 PM on June 21, 2009

Best answer: Oh, and I could've sworn that there was a thread on MetaFilter full of these but I couldn't find it anywhere.

Not sure if it's the one you're looking for, but here's a post on History's Greatest Replies, with additions from mefites in thread.
posted by mosessis at 11:56 PM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm partial to "So that's what the kids call it these days." A related one is "I've never heard it called that before," as in the good oldie:

A: "I kissed her on the veranda."
B: I've never heard it called that before!
or
B: So that's what the kids are calling it these days.
or
B: As they call it in France.

(These replies also for for "I parked in the annex", "I was talking the dog", and "Lets use the car pool lane.")

I have a friend with a lecherous streak a mile long who can make anyone blush by just waiting a beat and then saying "reeeealy?' while waggling his eyebrows.

Blush and say "I don't think I know you well enough to hear any more of this story!"
posted by Ookseer at 12:04 AM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

My classically annoying line of this type goes like this:

Friend: "Oh man, XXX is such a YYY."

Me: "You're a YYY!"

This can be carried out to great length and ridiculousness without regard to whatever XXX refers to. "You're a sorry old weiner dog." "You're borked." "You're singing like an angel." etc etc...

..I know how annoying this is, so for the record, I work to restrain myself from using this type of retort with any regularity.
posted by samthemander at 12:16 AM on June 22, 2009

My husband is a huge fan of the surreal-entendre.

Me: Could you run out and pick up some bread?

Him: ...if I know what you mean?

Me: That doesn't even make sense!

Him: That's what she said!

It can be hilarious if your audience isn't expecting it. Hearing it every day gets a little tiresome.
posted by tomatofruit at 12:43 AM on June 22, 2009 [7 favorites]

Little Johnny jokes are a great source of these, especially the one where when he tells the teacher a bull gored his dad and she keeps correcting his swear words. Finally, he tells her the bull gored his dad in the asshole. She says, "Rectum." To which, Johnny replies:

RECTUM?! It nearly killed 'im!
posted by Ghidorah at 1:23 AM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'll show you a retort similar to "that's what she said", bend over.

Once someone starts doing this one, no statement is safe, because somehow anything anyone ever says can seem like a euphemism for some sort of act upon their anus. If the perpetrator of "I'll show you X, bend over" jokes is male, you can often make them shut up by talking about nothing but limp noodles, minuscule vaguely phallic objects, and unsatisfying lovemaking experiences. Otherwise the bend over jokes can last for a very long time. I'll show you something that lasts for a very long time, bend over.
posted by idiopath at 1:51 AM on June 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

Oh tomatofruit, does your husband also make up silly songs on the fly? Because we might be married to the same guy. I find that unlikely, because I'm very demanding and I see you're in... oh nevermind.

With the majority being the surreal variety, some of ours are more like this:
Instead of "bread" on the shopping list, he'll write "bred" as just a bad spelling joke. When my friend sees it, she says, "Bred like horses!" And then, that turns into the bad joke of a few years now. Along the lines of, "We need bread, hon." "Yep, bred like horses!" It's awful, I know.

BTW, according to some MeTa thread, maybe we should all be espoused. :)
posted by lilywing13 at 2:00 AM on June 22, 2009

I like "for my sins"

("So you fix computers?" "Yes, for my sins.")

I also enjoy "As long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses," but it's hard to work that one in.
posted by mmoncur at 3:47 AM on June 22, 2009

Oh god, I do "You need rebooting" to my housemate all the time. He's my favourite victim.

Jilder's Housemate: I'm putting the kettle on. Do you want a cup of tea?
Jilder: (muttering in insulted tones) You're a cup of tea.
JHM: That doesn't make any sense!
J:(muttering) YOU don't make any sense...

It can go on for hours.

I also like replying with massive in jokes. We've been playing a lot of Plants vs. Zombies at my house, and butter/head related comments are becoming common (also, tricycles). My boyfriend will attempt to sheep people. References to gaming checks abound.

JHM: Did you clean out the fridge? It was pretty foul.
J: I lost san.

"lolwut?" is another favourite. It's best accompanied by giggles or a gleeful expression.

Can you tell we are big fat nerds?

"That's what you think" is fun.

JHM: The pizza is here
J: That's what you think.
posted by Jilder at 4:29 AM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

"fnarr fnarr", if they are Brits of a certain age or hang out in certain parts of Usenet
posted by nonane at 5:08 AM on June 22, 2009

"In prison"... as in, "Yes, that's how they tailor pants.... in prison"
posted by backwards guitar at 5:27 AM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

I say, "That's what he said to her," or "Did she say that? I don't think she said that."
posted by emilyd22222 at 5:35 AM on June 22, 2009

"No homo."
posted by box at 5:50 AM on June 22, 2009

♫ Bow-chicka-wow-wow ♫
posted by iviken at 6:36 AM on June 22, 2009

This one only works in a very specific instance, but when I say to my wife "You/That doesn't make sense." she usually replied "I/It don't have to make sense... I make dollars!" The "r" sound is usually dropped from the word "dollars".
posted by owtytrof at 6:39 AM on June 22, 2009

Mefites sure not be understanding concept of double entendre, like.

There's basically no shortage of these -- just act like whatever the sentence was was actually filth and respond accordingly. "You kiss your mother with that mouth?", fr instance. Or lecherously agree "oh yeahhhh I can bring the *shopping* *in*".
posted by fightorflight at 6:48 AM on June 22, 2009

Replying with "I just met her" to a sentence ending in the -er sound:
"blah blah blah liquor." "Lick her? I just met her!"
"blah blah blah poker." "Poke her? I just met her!" etc.
posted by candyland at 7:09 AM on June 22, 2009

It can be hilarious if your audience isn't expecting it. Hearing it every day gets a little tiresome.

I wasn't aware you'd gotten a MeFi account baby! Mwah!

"So's my johnson" can be used pretty much interchangeably with That's What She Said. I'm also fond of "Oh, is that what you're calling it now?" as in

"I have to get my tires rotated"
"Oh, is that what you're calling it now?"

"I have to send this to the render farm"
"So that's what you're calling it now?"

etc.
posted by Scoo at 7:27 AM on June 22, 2009

most of these suggestions are really not Double Entendres - in fact many do not have any sort of sexual element at all?
posted by mary8nne at 7:37 AM on June 22, 2009

As a reference to "Turning Japanese," the following can be almost universally used:

"You know that song's about masturbation?"
posted by General Malaise at 7:37 AM on June 22, 2009

Someone I know went through a phase where he said "I bet you did!" suggestively all the time. As in someone would say "Steve and I had a good time last night" and he would respond with "I bet you did!"

Another one similar to that's what she said is something along the lines of "Women say that to me all the time." A self-decprecating twist would be "If I had a nickel for every time a woman said that to me I'd be broke."
posted by burnmp3s at 8:09 AM on June 22, 2009

Nthing some variation on "Is that what they call it these days?"

Example*:
roommate: "I just got a part time job at a fish market."
me [drily]: "Is that what they call it?"

*This actually happened, about a week ago
posted by HumuloneRanger at 8:44 AM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm astonished that I'm the first person to say "Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more."

"I just got a freelance gig!"
"A freelance gig? A freelance gig? Freelance? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more."
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:52 AM on June 22, 2009

Since the thread seems to have drifted, I'll add that any term or phrase that sounds like a person's name can be followed by claiming to know said person.

"Don't eat raw chicken or you'll get salmonella."
"Sal Minella? I went to high school with him!"
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:30 AM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Totally depends on context, but: [dismissively] "Hey, whatever floats your boat." It's all in the subtle palms-up gesture and the accepting-yet-judgmental intonation.

And please please please use these sparingly. I know asking the internet to ease up on joke-overkill is like the world's biggest pony, but you don't want to come off as this guy's unfunny little brother.
posted by kittyprecious at 9:34 AM on June 22, 2009

I'm a fan of "woudn't be the first time!"
posted by mcarlson85 at 9:58 AM on June 22, 2009

During a improv program, we had to act out a scenario: each statement needed to end with "...if you know what I mean." Everything sounded like sexual innuendo.
posted by kensch at 10:38 AM on June 22, 2009

Best answer: "I'm _______ing [noun OR prepositional phrase]."
"Should I take off my socks?"

It'll probably take someone a few tries to, uh, cotton onto what you're entendering.

I'm going in the back.
Should I take off my socks?
I'm going to bake a cake.
Should I take off my socks?
I'm going to murderize you.
Should I take off my socks?

While I was neighborhood shopping with my roommate, we'd cruise around and look for rental signs. Whenever a lady was out walking her dog or whatnot I'd say, "We could live here." This can be ported to any sort of occasion. Hot waiter. "I could eat here." Good-looking clerk. "We can change here."

Finally, any declaration of intent or action can also be met with, "THREATS!"
posted by carsonb at 12:28 PM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

I use these on my wife all the time. They can come in an infinite variety. You have to say it with a horny / lustful look in your eye.

Her: "I just got a new freelancing gig!"
Me: "I'll show you a new freelancing gig!"

Her: "Do you know where my keys are?"
Me: "No, but I know where something else is"

Her: "Can we talk about the new car?"
Me: "No, but we can talk about last night!!"
posted by jasondigitized at 1:32 PM on June 22, 2009

I find that "If I had a dime for every..." works very similarly to "that's what she said" in applicable situations.
posted by lunit at 4:53 PM on June 22, 2009

Along with carsonb's post above, i often reply with "Lies" to any declarative statement, often followed by "more lies" to any attempt to clarify or explain or assert.

Or, if person X asks person Y to do something, I say "don't do it; it's a trick."
posted by exlotuseater at 5:44 PM on June 22, 2009

Everything sounded like sexual innuendo.

...If you know that I mean. And I think you do... hehe!
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 11:50 PM on June 22, 2009

Hilarious in thread, but I the thought of encouraging someone to talk like this does make me worry somewhat.

In the spirit of things, I'll fess up to having an ongoing joke where you append "... with sexy results" to something. Actually, practically anything.

"I went to see a great band last night!"

"...with sexy results!"

It works best if you sound really excited for the other person, as if they've confided a big secret to you.

Please, please, please use sparingly. Otherwise death, disembowelment or defenestration may occur.
posted by Magnakai at 6:40 AM on June 23, 2009

Brooklyn Research says:
Old: "THAT was easy."
New: "ay-oh."
posted by Oddly at 11:05 AM on June 24, 2009

"Speaking of X, how's your mom?"

I used to work someplace that had an employee break room with vending machines. Every day I would watch and wait for someone to select Baked Lays potato chips, just so I could say "Speaking of Baked Lays, how's your mom?"

I never did get to use that one though
posted by Restless Day at 12:16 PM on June 24, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'll X your Y ;)
posted by divabat at 7:25 PM on June 24, 2009

For adjectives and adjectival phrases: "like my men." (ultimately derived from here)

"This is a good audition aria: short, but significant."
"Like my men."

"This goddamn computer doesn't work and makes my life hell!"
"Like my men."

...et caetera ad nauseam.
posted by Pallas Athena at 2:51 PM on June 28, 2009

"The catering was just a major disaster."

"Major Disaster!" *salutes*

(from "How I Met Your Mother")
posted by Pronoiac at 1:57 PM on June 30, 2009

Keep in touch . . . with yourself!
posted by eggman at 3:04 AM on July 3, 2009