Help me become better at sex
June 18, 2009 12:42 PM   Subscribe

How do I make my hook-ups/one-night-stands more satisfying for me and my partner? Turn me into a sexual tyrannosaurus, please!

I am dipping my toe in the the world of FWB/hook-ups/one-night-stands. Previous sexual experience has been in long-term-relationships. My goal is to just have safe fun with a bunch of different types of people.

However, one thing I've immediately noticed is that the hook-ups are not as satisfying as the sex in the LTR. It's harder to figure out what your partner does and doesn't like and communicate what you do and don't like when you've only just met them.

Is this going to be a function of hook-ups, that it will never be as good? Or is there a sexy, smooth way to convey your preferences and figure out what your partner wants without sitting down and going through a checklist? I love making my partners happy and it worries me to get the feeling they might not be having a fantastic time.

I'm also wondering how one becomes better at sex in general, in techniques practiced on all genders.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

First time sex is almost never as good as later on, when you both (or, um, y'all) know what you're doing.

It's one of the great Hollywood Lies, like how Julia Roberts is allegedly attractive.
posted by rokusan at 12:50 PM on June 18, 2009 [13 favorites]

Communication during sex is often a trait in dominant partners (ie, "I like it when you do x, y, and z") which might be hard to pull off if you're remotely shy or worried about turning them off. One thing to do is kiss their neck and ears area while saying something along the lines of "Tell me what you want."

I'm not going to say that hook-ups are universally less satisfying than LTR sex, but the merits are obviously different. LTR sex is all about intimacy and satisfying the other person and spooning and shit. Hook-ups are about the wild weird wonderful world of "What's your name again?"

Enjoy the spontaneity of hooking up with a new person rather than trying to hash out the mysteries of everyone's dark sexual underpinnings. If you're not planning on seeing the person again, then go nuts with whatever* you're in the mood for. Be aggressive if you're into that, and they're likely to respond by being submissive. Talk dirty, they'll probably respond just to avoid an awkward silence. Oftentimes people who don't know you that well are too polite in bed to do anything but play along as best they can.

*obvious restrictions apply!
posted by zoomorphic at 12:54 PM on June 18, 2009

It depends. I've had one night stands that were awesome and beyond the pale and I've had ones that were at best, meh. It depends mostly on the individual and how comfortable you both are with your sexuality. One thing that you can do that is blindingly helpful (at least, to me) is to confirm that what is being done is good. Like it when your ear is kissed? Say so. Like when your hair is pulled, let your partner know when he/she does it. It's always nice to be playing with someone new and get that kind of live feedback that reminds you that yes, you are as awesome as you thought. I've also found that this kind of feedback is encouraging to your partner because they can do the same.
posted by teleri025 at 12:56 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I only have advice on ettiquette as opposed to technique:

If you have an orgasm before your partner does, and then start to get up and get ready to leave without them having an orgasm, that's generally not looked upon kindly.

If you do this, but they stop you and say, "erm...I'd kind of like to experience the same thing, here?" and you sigh and look put-upon about it, that's generally a good way to get them to decide that on second thought, they're not sure they ever want to talk to you again.

That asshole still tries to track me down sometimes.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:21 PM on June 18, 2009 [6 favorites]

The more information you have about your partner, the better the hookup.

I don't know where you're getting your meat from or its variety, but there are plenty of hookup sites all over the net that lets participants solve (or mediate) your problem with profiles (questions, answers) that specify preferred proclivities–and please don't ask me for site name or addresses, as I'll plead celibacy through my lying teeth.

If you're going at things blind (no information afore), then I'd say what zoomorphic said.

I personally think you have to be comfortable with risk to enjoy hookups. If you're not, at least a little, then you might never enjoy them. I especially don't want to be a scaremonger, but note that there are a lot of people, especially those that are familiar to that scene, that do not enjoy sex without risk. As a consequence, there's much greater risk to you (i.e. what diseases they might have, what level they (could want to, will) take things things to, etc.).
posted by foooooogasm at 1:37 PM on June 18, 2009

So you want to please your partner(s)-- good for you! Here's some nuggets of wisdom I've picked up along the way:

1. Everybody has buttons. Most people have one or two favorite buttons to push, so it's your job to keep an eye on your partner while you try kissing/caressing their neck, ears, chest, thighs, back, etc. When they squirm, you've found the button. Also pay attention for different breathing patterns, goosebumps and moans. Experiment with all of them, but if you discover one that they love, well... push it!

2. If you want them to do something, send clear body language. When they go near that favorite spot at the base of your spine, arch your back, groan, smile at them, squirm... anything. We humans are smart, we should be able to pick up on it.

3. Be aggressive (be, be aggressive!) get on top, kiss their neck, and lightly bite it while you ask them "What do you like, baby?" or something like that. No response? So what! You already know where the major buttons are, so go to town.

4. DON'T LINGER. I don't know if I'm the only one who experiences this, but I get damned bored when somebody fixates on a square inch of skin on my neck for more than a few minutes. Sex is active, passionate. Throw the rules out the window and let your body make the decisions for once. I promise that your instincts will take over if you let them. That's what they're there for.

5. When you're out on your date/at the bar you met your partner in, start the engine running. Show how interested you are by letting them catch you staring passionately at their face. Smell their hair. Touch their hands. Kiss their shoulder. Say it with your eyes, and later say it with your body. Don't let it get awkward on the way to the bed, either. Whether you're in the car, at the bar, in the parking lot, in church (joking!), or whatever, you can always state your intentions with your body language.
posted by wild like kudzu at 1:46 PM on June 18, 2009 [6 favorites]

It's harder to figure out what your partner does and doesn't like and communicate what you do and don't like when you've only just met them.

Learn the art of flirting and dirty talk.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:25 PM on June 18, 2009

If you are a guy then take control. Women want a take-charge guy in the sack.
posted by Zambrano at 2:55 PM on June 18, 2009

Some women want a take-charge guy in the sack.

Fixed that for you.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:57 PM on June 18, 2009 [6 favorites]

Hard R rated answer:

Does anyone remember what novel has a character ask a girl that he had just picked up and taken back to his hotel room, "Do you want to have sex or --- do you want to fuck?" She smiled and threw herself into his arms and said, "I want a hard fuck." He knew then to talk dirty and not pretend there's any romance.

That was fiction, of course, but.....

Oh, and just enough (but not too much) alcohol helps define the trajectory of a hook-up.
posted by Gerard Sorme at 3:04 PM on June 18, 2009

Some Almost all straight women want a take-charge guy in the sack, at least some of the time.

Improved that for you.

Nobody likes it the same way, every time.
posted by IAmBroom at 4:15 PM on June 18, 2009

The point of a one night stand is not to have good, satisfying sex; it's to get laid by a stranger. It's the thrill of the chase, as they say. Good quality sex only happens when you know what your partner likes and vice-versa.
posted by Simon Barclay at 5:05 PM on June 18, 2009

I think Zoomorphic has it.

Mostly, just go for what you want, and trust that your partner will do the same. The whole fun of it is that you have a new toy for the evening, and you get to play with him or her however you want, because there's nothing emotional at stake. If you ever wanted to try something silly or unusual, now's the time. Don't be an asshole, but -- don't worry so much about whether your partner is having a good time. Anxiety kills the fun more than selfishness.
posted by Methylviolet at 7:14 PM on June 18, 2009

Right -- my point, IAmBroom, is that -- well, yes, not everyone likes it the same way every time. But, not everyone likes it the same way at all anyway. Or -- everyone likes something different. And so -- it would behoove a young lad or young lady to actually ask their paramours what they want and treat them as individuals rather than trying to adopt some kind of all-encompassing suggestion that "always do X because everyone likes Y". Because everyone does not always like Y. Even if they do sometimes like Y, they may not like Y that night -- you might have caught them when they wanted Z.

The only way to know for sure is to ask them what they want rather than just assuming you already know. And asking someone what they want -- and then giving it to them -- is not only respectful, it can also be mind-blazingly hot.

....Or, you know, you could just assume "women likes men who take charge" and always do the same thing again and again. Your call.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:08 PM on June 18, 2009

If I had a choice between two types of general attitude towards what is most favored, rather than what specific women want, I would suggest a "take charge" plan of action as opposed to "20 questions routine". Respect should be a given and taking charge doesn't mean that should be diminished. Of course you are going to have to figure out what is the best course of action to charge forthwith.
posted by P.o.B. at 2:05 AM on June 19, 2009

If I had a choice between two types of general attitude towards what is most favored, rather than what specific women want, I would suggest a "take charge" plan of action as opposed to "20 questions routine".

Fair enough. But -- you don't just have two types of general attitude to choose from.

Actually I think we may be on the same page, just different paragraphs. I have a hunch you're thinking more about a "just jump in and try stuff" approach, rather than "taking charge" as such.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:00 AM on June 19, 2009

« Older A place where my call IS really important   |   Is it normal to feel worse as you get better? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.