"Mother dearest"
May 29, 2009 5:48 AM Subscribe
What is a lesbian daughter to do, when the mode and extent of her mother's display of affection becomes "too much"?
My mother and I have an unconventionally close relationship, more akin to an idealized sisterhood or friendship than one of child and parent. We are greatly at ease and open with each other, not only intellectually (no subject, it seems, is beyond the reach of possible discussion) but also physically: along with the occasional peck on the cheek (she is French), we frequently exchange hugs and publicly walk arm-in-arm, happily chattering away.
My concerns begin here: though, previously, this intimacy had never appeared as anything more than "Platonic", presently, I am troubled, particularly when reflecting on the physical expressions of affection which she gives and solicits. And, when she gives me her hand when we are outside, walking alone, or hugs me particularly deeply; when she says things like, "You give me meaning and, without you, my life has no sense"; or (more recently) becomes exasperated at my refraining from total emotional disclosure and request for distance, I feel slightly uneasy.
I think that this might have something, or all, to do with a very recent realization that I am a lesbian (an insight catalyzed through a sudden awareness of the fact I struggle to keep close friendships with other females without struggling with some degree of sexual attraction and, in some cases, falling in love with them).
Other details that might be relevant: Though they still live together, over the course of the last several years, my mother has progressively become estranged from my father (in part of the latter's depression) and, I feel, has increasingly come to rely on our relation for the affection she no longer receives as a result of her spousal alienation. She prefers to spend whatever time she has available visiting me (I am a ways away, at college) rather than with him, all the while admitting that "she should" and that "it would do him some good". She explicitly identifies as a heterosexual woman and, though I have been intimating (through tactful phrasing) at the possibility of my being a lesbian, I have not yet disclosed my orientation in fear of the awkwardness ruining our relationship, which I do cherish.
How can I approach this, delicately? I am failing to find any resources (helpful books or websites) from which I might draw from, that would shed light on the complexity of the undoubtedly queer bond between lesbian daughters and their mothers. Thank you so much, in advance, for your advice.
My mother and I have an unconventionally close relationship, more akin to an idealized sisterhood or friendship than one of child and parent. We are greatly at ease and open with each other, not only intellectually (no subject, it seems, is beyond the reach of possible discussion) but also physically: along with the occasional peck on the cheek (she is French), we frequently exchange hugs and publicly walk arm-in-arm, happily chattering away.
My concerns begin here: though, previously, this intimacy had never appeared as anything more than "Platonic", presently, I am troubled, particularly when reflecting on the physical expressions of affection which she gives and solicits. And, when she gives me her hand when we are outside, walking alone, or hugs me particularly deeply; when she says things like, "You give me meaning and, without you, my life has no sense"; or (more recently) becomes exasperated at my refraining from total emotional disclosure and request for distance, I feel slightly uneasy.
I think that this might have something, or all, to do with a very recent realization that I am a lesbian (an insight catalyzed through a sudden awareness of the fact I struggle to keep close friendships with other females without struggling with some degree of sexual attraction and, in some cases, falling in love with them).
Other details that might be relevant: Though they still live together, over the course of the last several years, my mother has progressively become estranged from my father (in part of the latter's depression) and, I feel, has increasingly come to rely on our relation for the affection she no longer receives as a result of her spousal alienation. She prefers to spend whatever time she has available visiting me (I am a ways away, at college) rather than with him, all the while admitting that "she should" and that "it would do him some good". She explicitly identifies as a heterosexual woman and, though I have been intimating (through tactful phrasing) at the possibility of my being a lesbian, I have not yet disclosed my orientation in fear of the awkwardness ruining our relationship, which I do cherish.
How can I approach this, delicately? I am failing to find any resources (helpful books or websites) from which I might draw from, that would shed light on the complexity of the undoubtedly queer bond between lesbian daughters and their mothers. Thank you so much, in advance, for your advice.
Your title (similar to the title of "Mommy Dearest," a book about child abuse) and your leading sentence makes me think you believe you are being sexually molested, or your mother is being sexually inappropriate with you. However, your examples (hugging, kissing, holding hands) really don't sound sexual or inappropriate.
I'd consider why you feel that this is sexual or inappropriate in nature, as I think this has more to do with you than with her. And also think about why you believe being lesbian has anything to do with it -- you mention it quite a bit, but also say that she does not know, and I wonder at its relevance. Did you used to find these activities acceptable, but now do not because you have discovered you are gay? Do you find that you interpret every touch between women to be a sexual one?
However, to resolve the issue, just tell her, "I'm not comfortable with [insert activity that makes you uncomfortable]. Please don't do that again." Surely she'd stop, although she will probably ask the same questions I did (or at least wonder about them).
posted by Houstonian at 6:05 AM on May 29, 2009 [7 favorites]
I'd consider why you feel that this is sexual or inappropriate in nature, as I think this has more to do with you than with her. And also think about why you believe being lesbian has anything to do with it -- you mention it quite a bit, but also say that she does not know, and I wonder at its relevance. Did you used to find these activities acceptable, but now do not because you have discovered you are gay? Do you find that you interpret every touch between women to be a sexual one?
However, to resolve the issue, just tell her, "I'm not comfortable with [insert activity that makes you uncomfortable]. Please don't do that again." Surely she'd stop, although she will probably ask the same questions I did (or at least wonder about them).
posted by Houstonian at 6:05 AM on May 29, 2009 [7 favorites]
After I finally came out to my parents (at the age of 24, after a suicide attempt, and with my first partner), I felt far more adult and confident in my dealings with them. Hiding my lesbian sexuality had kept me a child in my mother's eyes. She didn't change much, but I did.
posted by Carol Anne at 6:08 AM on May 29, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by Carol Anne at 6:08 AM on May 29, 2009 [2 favorites]
I suspect your mother is having a difficult time coping with your father's depression and with you being away at school, and so she's looking to you for more emotional satisfaction. If you think this is the case, encourage her to develop other sources of support and gratification: a support group, increased time with friends and other family members, pursuing her interests or career development if she is still in the workforce. Also if your dad is not being treated for depression, you and your mother need to try to get him to get some help.
posted by orange swan at 6:16 AM on May 29, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by orange swan at 6:16 AM on May 29, 2009 [2 favorites]
Your relationship sounds like that of my aunt and cousin. There's nothing sexual about it, it's just that my aunt can't let go of being best buds with my cousin, even when she's away at school (she comes and visits her often on the weekends, much to my cousin's chagrin). My aunt is single, and if she had a partner, she would probably be occupied to the extent that she would not need my cousin so much. Again, it's not sexual, it's just a matter of loneliness and empty nest syndrome.
If you want to have more time to yourself, let your mom know that you have plans on some of the weekends she wants to visit. The best way to come to terms with your sexuality is to actually go out there and socialize and meet people (friends and dates), and I can imagine that with mom there so often, that can be kind of difficult.
But just to reiterate, it doesn't seem like your mom is doing/intending/feeling anything sexual, it's just a matter of closeness and wanting you to still be super close like you were when you were a kid.
posted by ishotjr at 6:24 AM on May 29, 2009
If you want to have more time to yourself, let your mom know that you have plans on some of the weekends she wants to visit. The best way to come to terms with your sexuality is to actually go out there and socialize and meet people (friends and dates), and I can imagine that with mom there so often, that can be kind of difficult.
But just to reiterate, it doesn't seem like your mom is doing/intending/feeling anything sexual, it's just a matter of closeness and wanting you to still be super close like you were when you were a kid.
posted by ishotjr at 6:24 AM on May 29, 2009
Um... Your Mother isn't attracted to you because you are a lesbian. That is an extremely weird thing to think.
Mom's love their children. Your mom and my mom are in similar situations and I have noticed a steady ramp-up in annoying mom lovy-dovyness (I'm her only son). You are her child and she is probably at that point in her life where you mean more to her than anything in the world. Maybe she is attracted to her independent daughter's cool independence that she never had and is expressing it in some ways that may seem unfamiliar to you.
Give your mom a break, you are probably the best thing in her life right now and you are providing her with "meaning" (as she puts it) to her life. If she is being annoying as hell and won't give you any personal space then tell her! Make plans for certain days and have your own personal days. Just make sure you set some time aside for her, she obviously adores you, and not like that!
posted by OuttaHere at 6:36 AM on May 29, 2009 [3 favorites]
Mom's love their children. Your mom and my mom are in similar situations and I have noticed a steady ramp-up in annoying mom lovy-dovyness (I'm her only son). You are her child and she is probably at that point in her life where you mean more to her than anything in the world. Maybe she is attracted to her independent daughter's cool independence that she never had and is expressing it in some ways that may seem unfamiliar to you.
Give your mom a break, you are probably the best thing in her life right now and you are providing her with "meaning" (as she puts it) to her life. If she is being annoying as hell and won't give you any personal space then tell her! Make plans for certain days and have your own personal days. Just make sure you set some time aside for her, she obviously adores you, and not like that!
posted by OuttaHere at 6:36 AM on May 29, 2009 [3 favorites]
If you come out to your mother, it's almost a given that she will immediately have second thoughts about close physical contact with you, even if your emotional relationship remains completely intact. Which is rather handy, don't you think?
posted by hermitosis at 6:41 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by hermitosis at 6:41 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Lilith Magazine might be a good resource. But, give your mom a break. She wants to know you, her daughter.
It's OK to be reserved and wait until you trust her more before you can be open about your sexuality to her but that might not be what she wants. She might be looking simply to carry on being your mom and not another adult you spend a lot of time with.
posted by parmanparman at 6:43 AM on May 29, 2009
It's OK to be reserved and wait until you trust her more before you can be open about your sexuality to her but that might not be what she wants. She might be looking simply to carry on being your mom and not another adult you spend a lot of time with.
posted by parmanparman at 6:43 AM on May 29, 2009
I'd hazard to guess that since your sexuality is weighting heavily upon you it's coloring the interactions with your mother. She's probably is leaning on you hard for emotional support which can be quite stressful, but she's probably not actually hitting on you.
If that's the case, how to support her while maintaining a relationship is an easier question and has been discussed plenty of times here. I'm very direct so I would just flat out tell her everything, some people like lots of personal contact, some don't. Rebuff the uncomfortable physical stuff and follow up with emotional support (how are you today mom?). Phrase it in that sort of manner and make it not a big deal. I'm sure others will have more suggestions.
on preview, what everyone else says. Good luck.
posted by anti social order at 6:48 AM on May 29, 2009
If that's the case, how to support her while maintaining a relationship is an easier question and has been discussed plenty of times here. I'm very direct so I would just flat out tell her everything, some people like lots of personal contact, some don't. Rebuff the uncomfortable physical stuff and follow up with emotional support (how are you today mom?). Phrase it in that sort of manner and make it not a big deal. I'm sure others will have more suggestions.
on preview, what everyone else says. Good luck.
posted by anti social order at 6:48 AM on May 29, 2009
I, too, think you're reading too much of this, and am guessing that your recent realization that you're a lesbian is unfairly coloring things. While your mother might be leaning on you (too much?) for emotional support, there is absolutely nothing wrong a close relationship with her. How has it become anything other than platonic? All the hugs and hand-holding were fine with you before you realized you're gay, right? So what else has changed, or is it just you?
You don't seem so much annoyed with her as you seem simply uncomfortable with the physicality in general. Would you feel this way with a straight female friend, or with a lesbian friend who you're not attracted to? I think it's easy, when we're particularly wrapped up in something, to allow it to take over the way we think about other things. Nevertheless, you should tell your mother if you really want her to back off for a while.
Lastly, I have to ask what you mean about the "undoubtedly queer bond between lesbian daughters and their mothers." Why would it be undoubtedly queer? There's nothing more sexual about this relationship than, say, a straight daughter and her straight father. I don't think being gay means that you can't have platonic same-sex relationships and friendships.
posted by runningwithscissors at 7:00 AM on May 29, 2009
You don't seem so much annoyed with her as you seem simply uncomfortable with the physicality in general. Would you feel this way with a straight female friend, or with a lesbian friend who you're not attracted to? I think it's easy, when we're particularly wrapped up in something, to allow it to take over the way we think about other things. Nevertheless, you should tell your mother if you really want her to back off for a while.
Lastly, I have to ask what you mean about the "undoubtedly queer bond between lesbian daughters and their mothers." Why would it be undoubtedly queer? There's nothing more sexual about this relationship than, say, a straight daughter and her straight father. I don't think being gay means that you can't have platonic same-sex relationships and friendships.
posted by runningwithscissors at 7:00 AM on May 29, 2009
As a child and a young man I was very physically affectionate with my mother: hugging her, holding her. I tended to be the one to initiate this. I was less physical with my father, but it was still there.
One day in my twenties, while visiting my grandparents, I was berated for this, by both my grandmother and aunt: "That's inappropriate", "People might get the wrong idea", etc. I never forgave either of them for it, and I always felt that something had been lost. I moved away to another country shortly after that.
It doesn't matter if you are gay or straight. It really doesn't matter what other people think. You're not sexually attracted to your mother, and she isn't to you. You love your mother deeply... but you're not "in love" with her. She loves you as a daughter, nothing more, and nothing less.
By all means you need to find your own place, meaning, and sexual identity, on your own terms - and I think holding back from talking about your self-discovery to your mother, with whom you have always been close, is more a factor in the confusion of feelings you are having than you may be prepared to admit right now.
It may be that coming out to your mother may alter things. But from my perspective and experience, don't try to force a change on the expressions of affection you share with her. You'll likely regret its loss, deeper than you can know.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 7:13 AM on May 29, 2009 [3 favorites]
One day in my twenties, while visiting my grandparents, I was berated for this, by both my grandmother and aunt: "That's inappropriate", "People might get the wrong idea", etc. I never forgave either of them for it, and I always felt that something had been lost. I moved away to another country shortly after that.
It doesn't matter if you are gay or straight. It really doesn't matter what other people think. You're not sexually attracted to your mother, and she isn't to you. You love your mother deeply... but you're not "in love" with her. She loves you as a daughter, nothing more, and nothing less.
By all means you need to find your own place, meaning, and sexual identity, on your own terms - and I think holding back from talking about your self-discovery to your mother, with whom you have always been close, is more a factor in the confusion of feelings you are having than you may be prepared to admit right now.
It may be that coming out to your mother may alter things. But from my perspective and experience, don't try to force a change on the expressions of affection you share with her. You'll likely regret its loss, deeper than you can know.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 7:13 AM on May 29, 2009 [3 favorites]
If you're trying to say you think your mom is hitting on you, you're wrong. Like, completely wrong. My mom has said similar things to me and behaves much as your mom does. I'm similar to you as regards struggles to be friends with other women, even, too. Your mom is the kind of mother who values her children greatly. That's it.
If you bring this up to your mom -- not the fact that you're a lesbian, but that you think she's hitting on you -- it's going to be very weird, and for good reason. I can practically guarantee you this is your hang-up and not anything odd on your mom's part, and that's not something I say lightly. Talk to a therapist. Please, please do not tell your mom you think she's hitting on you.
posted by Nattie at 7:27 AM on May 29, 2009
If you bring this up to your mom -- not the fact that you're a lesbian, but that you think she's hitting on you -- it's going to be very weird, and for good reason. I can practically guarantee you this is your hang-up and not anything odd on your mom's part, and that's not something I say lightly. Talk to a therapist. Please, please do not tell your mom you think she's hitting on you.
posted by Nattie at 7:27 AM on May 29, 2009
I think my mother still longs for the days when one of her children might climb up into her lap for comfort. And honestly? So do I! There is something about that safe harbor that can't be replicated elsewhere or with other people.
There's a children's book that I love, which never fails to make me cry every time I read it. It's called "Love You Forever" which does a really amazing job of showing how affection between mothers and children changes through life. It's quite lovely.
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:44 AM on May 29, 2009
There's a children's book that I love, which never fails to make me cry every time I read it. It's called "Love You Forever" which does a really amazing job of showing how affection between mothers and children changes through life. It's quite lovely.
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:44 AM on May 29, 2009
I think the bond might be undoubtedly peculiar.
What?! Come on, guys, you did note the fact that the mom is French, right? In other cultures, Mediterranean cultures among them, this sort of physical affection between mothers and children, even adult children, isn't unusual.
Heck, I have both a Jewish mother and a Jewish soon-to-be mother-in-law who have said things to both me and my SO along the lines of "You give me meaning and, without you, my life has no sense." While, yes, both of these people do have some boundaries issues, I don't think for a minute that our mothers are lusting after us. And, for what it's worth, both my queer self and my queer sister hold my mother's hand and hug her.
I know that your relationships are going to change as you make discoveries about your sexuality, but to sexualize what is almost undoubtedly purely motherly affection is doing your mother a disservice. And it sounds like you both need each other right now.
(Oh, and Love You Forever might totally skeeve you out--the mom breaks into her adult son's house with a ladder to rock him while he's sleeping. Now that's boundaries issues.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:10 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
What?! Come on, guys, you did note the fact that the mom is French, right? In other cultures, Mediterranean cultures among them, this sort of physical affection between mothers and children, even adult children, isn't unusual.
Heck, I have both a Jewish mother and a Jewish soon-to-be mother-in-law who have said things to both me and my SO along the lines of "You give me meaning and, without you, my life has no sense." While, yes, both of these people do have some boundaries issues, I don't think for a minute that our mothers are lusting after us. And, for what it's worth, both my queer self and my queer sister hold my mother's hand and hug her.
I know that your relationships are going to change as you make discoveries about your sexuality, but to sexualize what is almost undoubtedly purely motherly affection is doing your mother a disservice. And it sounds like you both need each other right now.
(Oh, and Love You Forever might totally skeeve you out--the mom breaks into her adult son's house with a ladder to rock him while he's sleeping. Now that's boundaries issues.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:10 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
PhoBWanKenobi, surely the "peculiar" comment was riffing on the text of the OP's post, which called the bond "queer".
posted by onshi at 8:16 AM on May 29, 2009
posted by onshi at 8:16 AM on May 29, 2009
PhoBWanKenobi, surely the "peculiar" comment was riffing on the text of the OP's post, which called the bond "queer".
Right--I just don't think that there sounds like there's anything really queer about this woman's relationship with her m0mz, in any sense of the term.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:18 AM on May 29, 2009
Right--I just don't think that there sounds like there's anything really queer about this woman's relationship with her m0mz, in any sense of the term.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:18 AM on May 29, 2009
It's not just a French or Mediterranean thing. In my family (plain old American mutts), we kiss on the lips. I guess this will make the poster pass out! It's not a sexual kiss, it's like this, and this has been true for all generations in my family regardless of age (I can remember my grandmother kissing her mother) and all sexual orientations. We also pat each other on the back and hug, and none of it is sexual in nature at all.
Not all touches are sexual.
posted by Houstonian at 8:32 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Not all touches are sexual.
posted by Houstonian at 8:32 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Your mother loves you in a motherly way. Perhaps you are the one that is attracted to her!!! Freud would love that. Seriously you have nothing to worry about. Whatever voice is in the back of your head, tell it to shut up.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 8:56 AM on May 29, 2009
posted by Mastercheddaar at 8:56 AM on May 29, 2009
I don't think your mom is hitting on you. I think her extreme closeness is related possibly to 3 factors:
1. She's lonely without her husband around and with you away at school.
2. Culture - some families are more touchy feely than others. My buyfriend's family kisses and hugs all the time and it freaked me out at first because I came from a less kissy huggy family.
3. She has suspicions that you are a lesbian and is being overly loving to you in a show of support. If you really are close like best friends, she may have put pieces together and figured out that you are a lesbian. If she did figure that out, she might fear that you (falsely) think she will reject you if you come out to her.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:09 AM on May 29, 2009
1. She's lonely without her husband around and with you away at school.
2. Culture - some families are more touchy feely than others. My buyfriend's family kisses and hugs all the time and it freaked me out at first because I came from a less kissy huggy family.
3. She has suspicions that you are a lesbian and is being overly loving to you in a show of support. If you really are close like best friends, she may have put pieces together and figured out that you are a lesbian. If she did figure that out, she might fear that you (falsely) think she will reject you if you come out to her.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:09 AM on May 29, 2009
You have every right to your feelings about your mother. That you aren't out to her may be causing you to be self-conscious and hyper-alert to her. Whenever I pulled away emotionally from my mother, she felt rejected and rushed closer to me. It was suffocating. Hopefully you two will fare better.
posted by Carol Anne at 10:16 AM on May 29, 2009
posted by Carol Anne at 10:16 AM on May 29, 2009
I empathize with you whole-heartedly. For nearly 12 years before my parents got divorced, their relationship was strained. My father, in particular, began to rely on me like a spouse almost exactly like it sounds like your mother is doing here. He hung out with me and had conversations with me that he probably should have been having with my mom. Then, after the divorce, my mother started up with it. She was "touch deprived" and every time I saw her, I felt like she was smothering me with her need for constant hugging, holding hands, close contact, desire to be in my space.
The fact that you are away at college helps, because you have the opportunity to create a life for yourself that has nothing to do with your parents and family. This will, whether you mother likes it or not, create automatic boundaries that grow out of your increasing independence and reliance on "chosen family" (our friends!).
But you must take care of yourself. When you visit your mother or she visits you, it is okay to create very real and physical boundaries, like not allowing her to enter your room without your permission, or saying you don't feel like holding hands right now. You cannot control her hyberbolic statements like "You give me meaning and, without you, my life has no sense," but you can take time for yourself, breathe deeply, and realize that her crazy does not have to be your crazy.
For what it's worth, after my parents found spousal partners that were good for them, and whom they loved, they became much less needy. And I also established a life that was and is all mine, and an idea of who I am that was and is all my own. This has made it easier to interact with them on all levels because my life is not inextricably intertwined with theirs, no matter how much they wish or think it may be. Now when we visit, I can love them without trying to change them, retreat when I need to (chosen family is just a phone-call away!), and tell them to back off if I'm feeling crowded.
Mefi mail me if you want to talk more. This question really hit close to home.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 10:37 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
The fact that you are away at college helps, because you have the opportunity to create a life for yourself that has nothing to do with your parents and family. This will, whether you mother likes it or not, create automatic boundaries that grow out of your increasing independence and reliance on "chosen family" (our friends!).
But you must take care of yourself. When you visit your mother or she visits you, it is okay to create very real and physical boundaries, like not allowing her to enter your room without your permission, or saying you don't feel like holding hands right now. You cannot control her hyberbolic statements like "You give me meaning and, without you, my life has no sense," but you can take time for yourself, breathe deeply, and realize that her crazy does not have to be your crazy.
For what it's worth, after my parents found spousal partners that were good for them, and whom they loved, they became much less needy. And I also established a life that was and is all mine, and an idea of who I am that was and is all my own. This has made it easier to interact with them on all levels because my life is not inextricably intertwined with theirs, no matter how much they wish or think it may be. Now when we visit, I can love them without trying to change them, retreat when I need to (chosen family is just a phone-call away!), and tell them to back off if I'm feeling crowded.
Mefi mail me if you want to talk more. This question really hit close to home.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 10:37 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think some of these answers are a bit too dismissive of the OP. Yes, different families and different cultures have very different levels of expression, physical and verbal. But, while the described behavior does not sound over the line to me, something obviously has changed to a degree that has made the OP uncomfortable and she has the right to feel that way.
How can I approach this, delicately?
You can't really do this without somehow hurting your mother's feelings but what I might say is something like this:
"Mom, you know I love you, but I'm starting to feel kind of smothered. I'm away at college and these constants visits (phone calls and emails too, maybe) are getting to be a bit much. And I feel like I'm missing out on some of the college experiences that my peers are having. Their mothers don't visit every weekend. Part of being at college is about growing up and becoming independent and I'd like a chance to do that. That doesn't mean I don't want to see you or talk to you but I think we just need to scale that back a bit. I love you, mom."
I know that kind of sidesteps the issue of the possible inappropriateness of her behavior (which, again, I don't think is over the line but more overwhelmingly smothering). Yeah, your mother is going to be hurt. And there's the whole issue of her relationship with your dad and his depression. I have a mother that has a tendency towards smothering but luckily my dad is able to temper that. So I'll second orange swan and say that if you and your mom can help him get (better) treatment. Anyway, your mom may withdraw and you may have to be the one to initiate communication and visits. But hopefully you can find a diplomatic way to tell her to ease off a bit.
And if your mom ever does clearly cross the line, verbally or physically, don't hesitate to tell her that's completely inappropriate.
Good luck!
Oh, one final thought. It sounds like you're an only child but if not it might be helpful for your sibling, especially an older one, to have that "back off Anonymous" conversation, being a bit more removed from the situation.
posted by 6550 at 10:44 AM on May 29, 2009
How can I approach this, delicately?
You can't really do this without somehow hurting your mother's feelings but what I might say is something like this:
"Mom, you know I love you, but I'm starting to feel kind of smothered. I'm away at college and these constants visits (phone calls and emails too, maybe) are getting to be a bit much. And I feel like I'm missing out on some of the college experiences that my peers are having. Their mothers don't visit every weekend. Part of being at college is about growing up and becoming independent and I'd like a chance to do that. That doesn't mean I don't want to see you or talk to you but I think we just need to scale that back a bit. I love you, mom."
I know that kind of sidesteps the issue of the possible inappropriateness of her behavior (which, again, I don't think is over the line but more overwhelmingly smothering). Yeah, your mother is going to be hurt. And there's the whole issue of her relationship with your dad and his depression. I have a mother that has a tendency towards smothering but luckily my dad is able to temper that. So I'll second orange swan and say that if you and your mom can help him get (better) treatment. Anyway, your mom may withdraw and you may have to be the one to initiate communication and visits. But hopefully you can find a diplomatic way to tell her to ease off a bit.
And if your mom ever does clearly cross the line, verbally or physically, don't hesitate to tell her that's completely inappropriate.
Good luck!
Oh, one final thought. It sounds like you're an only child but if not it might be helpful for your sibling, especially an older one, to have that "back off Anonymous" conversation, being a bit more removed from the situation.
posted by 6550 at 10:44 AM on May 29, 2009
when she says things like, "You give me meaning and, without you, my life has no sense"
Well, you know, does her life have any sense? She's estranged from her husband and you're becoming in independent adult. she's looking at years of loneliness (at least from her point of view) when you move out of her life completely. Her behavior doesn't seem at all inappropriate to me, just a little sad.
posted by misha at 11:37 AM on May 29, 2009
Well, you know, does her life have any sense? She's estranged from her husband and you're becoming in independent adult. she's looking at years of loneliness (at least from her point of view) when you move out of her life completely. Her behavior doesn't seem at all inappropriate to me, just a little sad.
posted by misha at 11:37 AM on May 29, 2009
6550's boundary setting speech is a good one but to soften it, I'd suggest you initiate contact with HER more often. If she knows that every Thursday evening at 6 you're going to call and talk for 45 minutes, or every Sunday morning you'll come by for tea, she might feel less insecure and more forgiving when you tell her all the other times that "this isn't a good time for me".
This technique has worked really well for a lot of people I know who are trying to un-enmesh themselves from their parents.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:51 AM on May 29, 2009
This technique has worked really well for a lot of people I know who are trying to un-enmesh themselves from their parents.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:51 AM on May 29, 2009
along with the occasional peck on the cheek (she is French), we frequently exchange hugs and publicly walk arm-in-arm, happily chattering away
This doesn't seem "unconventionally close" to me at all, at least by my Boston-WASP US standards. Like Hermitosis, I come from a family of origin where we kiss each other on the lips--this includes my dad and my brother.
That said, you have the right to have whatever physical boundaries YOU feel comfortable, and other people have good suggestions for how to broach that with your mom.
But if you're wanting to adjust boundaries because you think they look weird to others, I wouldn't give it a second thought.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:15 PM on May 29, 2009
This doesn't seem "unconventionally close" to me at all, at least by my Boston-WASP US standards. Like Hermitosis, I come from a family of origin where we kiss each other on the lips--this includes my dad and my brother.
That said, you have the right to have whatever physical boundaries YOU feel comfortable, and other people have good suggestions for how to broach that with your mom.
But if you're wanting to adjust boundaries because you think they look weird to others, I wouldn't give it a second thought.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:15 PM on May 29, 2009
I have been through a very, very similar situation. I agree that you might do some research on codependency. I grew up with a 'best friend' relationship with my mom. If she had a problem with my dad, she'd talk about it with me. For a long time I didn't see a real problem with this, but once I went to college the shit hit the fan. She couldn't function without me and the guilt that loaded onto me was unfair. Honestly what saved us was therapy for us both. She realized she had to get a life of her own and that me being her best friend put too much stress on our relationship. I realized I needed to be my own person and was not responsible for her happiness.
I don't want to be dismissive, but I don't understand from the info you've provided why you're taking this as a sexual issue. Yes, your mother is affectionate. I assume she's probably been like that for some time. It seems unrelated to your coming out. Sounds like she's just being extra clingy to me. Unless there's more to it than this, the sexual part is clouding the real issue it seems.
posted by CwgrlUp at 8:06 PM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
I don't want to be dismissive, but I don't understand from the info you've provided why you're taking this as a sexual issue. Yes, your mother is affectionate. I assume she's probably been like that for some time. It seems unrelated to your coming out. Sounds like she's just being extra clingy to me. Unless there's more to it than this, the sexual part is clouding the real issue it seems.
posted by CwgrlUp at 8:06 PM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
This sounds like it isn't necessarily about "the undoubtedly queer bond between lesbian daughters and their mothers," but about your mother in particular, and her own lack of healthy boundaries....which means you can use all the usual resources available (google, "codependency", "boundaries", "parents", etc., or if you're sure it's sexual in nature, "emotional incest").
posted by availablelight at 5:53 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]