I'm handsome, excellent flirt, and women willingly give me their numbers...Now what?
May 27, 2009 11:29 AM   Subscribe

I'm handsome, excellent flirt, and women willingly give me their numbers...Now what?

I suck at picking up women...

I'm an excellent flirt, have enough courage (when I'm liquored up) to approach women, and they usually give me their numbers without asking.

The thing is at the end of the night I ALWAYS freeze in my tracks... I usually get a lot of cues that they are quite interested in me, but I really don't know what to do next...

I won't mind getting some, but I honestly don't know how to proceed from that point.

So few questions:

What to do with numbers: When to contact them and what to say?

Also I'm like a deer in the headlights, I can see that the women becomes more flirty, restless, and frustrated...I am not sure what to do at this point, should I just grab her and go home?

If so, how do I do this delicately, because I've had some women get pissed off at me when I just ask them in an upfront manner.

Also I'm not looking for a relationship, but won't mind some sex now and then.

I really don't understand this mating dance sometimes.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
What to do with numbers: When to contact them and what to say?

"Hi, this is anonymous, we met at that place. I'd like to take you out on Friday; are you free?"

Also I'm like a deer in the headlights, I can see that the women becomes more flirty, restless, and frustrated...I am not sure what to do at this point, should I just grab her and go home?

Flirty, restless, and frustrated are three unusual words to use together. However, you never just grab someone and go home. You can say "would you like to come back to my place?" Note that this may lead to sex and it may not. No means no and I'm not certain if you realize that some women might not actually like you or want to sleep with you - because the way you're phrasing your question indicates that you are really out of touch with women.

If so, how do I do this delicately, because I've had some women get pissed off at me when I just ask them in an upfront manner.

Yeah, okay, there we go. They're not frustrated in the sense that they're thinking "oh when will this hunk drag me home," they're frustrated because you are being boring or repellent or coming on too strong, even though you think you're not.

Also I'm not looking for a relationship, but won't mind some sex now and then.

There are plenty of women who will sleep with you NSA, but certainly not the majority. I really think you need to try understand women better, because you seem to have no idea what it is like to not be a man. I am saying this for your benefit as well as the benefit of the women you're looking to take home and have NSA sex with with.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 11:38 AM on May 27, 2009 [13 favorites]

I agree, you're starting off on the wrong foot. You speak as though there are rules and criteria and sure-fire ways to get any woman's attention for either casual dating, serious dating, or no-strings sex... and there aren't. There are as many ways as there are women.

What do you want to do with her number? Do you want to call her the next day? Then call her, dude, and ask her out if you want to. Don't ask her out and have expectations. Ask her out, see if she says yes, get to know her, and decide what you want to happen next. Make yourself available for that, and if you or she wants more than the other, know that it's not going to work out. But it's okay to just go on a date and see what happens. You just have to call her. Be honest and kind about your intentions, however casual they may be, and at least you can know you gave it a shot.

You can ask if she wants to come home with you at the end of the night. You can ask if you can kiss her, and then put her in a cab and get her number and go from there. You can ask all kinds of things, but beware anything that resembles, "should I just grab her and go home?" because no. No, you shouldn't.
posted by juliplease at 11:48 AM on May 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

I can only speak for myself. I'm no huge whore who takes men home from bars all the time (good luck finding the women who are!) but I am often the recipient of the sort of attentions you seem to fancy yourself good at so let's give this a try.

When I'm restless and frustrated, it's because I need to piss or another drink or to find my friend or to find out when the band is going on, and I can't figure out how to end this conversation. Walking away from a guy is difficult even if I'm interested in him, and even if I'm interested in him, likely I don't want to spend the whole night being chatted up by the same stranger. You've got my number, give me an out.

I don't know if you're a huge clubhopper, but on occassion the "hey, I know this party going on (here)" or "I'm thinking of walking down to (other bar)" has gotten me interested in coming along. If I'm not down, it might be because I'm waiting for the DJ I like to come on, or a friend, or whatever. But it can also mean "I don't like/trust you enough to go anywhere with you" which means, hey, you're not getting laid!

And go ahead and call those numbers.
posted by Juliet Banana at 11:54 AM on May 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think that your starting point here should be to try these sorts of things when you're not liquored up. There are a ton of pick-up help sites and books and services and such out there, if you want to go that route (I don't have experience with any of them, so can't recommend any), but generally speaking it's tough to really work on any new skill if you're not sober.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:57 AM on May 27, 2009

I'm handsome, excellent flirt, and women willingly give me their numbers...Now what?

Work on the wall behind the facade.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 12:05 PM on May 27, 2009 [14 favorites]

Okay, I get that you're looking for no strings attached encounters, but that does not really narrow it down.

You could be looking for friends with benefits. Or the proverbial booty call. Or the "I take my trophy tonight and my phone number just catches on fire the next day so she never calls me again" scenario. Each one of these can be communicated in a variety of ways.

Seven digits on a piece of paper may or may not correspond to an actual phone number for the person handing you those digits, but it is not an automatic ticket to the coat-check to get a pair of panties thrown on your bedpost like rings on a tree trunk. It's either a way to escape conversation like a lizard dropping its tail (in the case of a false number) or a way to start one up later — that is all.

Everyone has expectations and hopes for any social interaction; whether or not sex is in that group is a function of you and that other person, plus a long, long list of variables. You want everyone to match up on the expectations, because people do not deal well with thwarted expectations. Dashed hopes, sure, you can get over that.

Work on ways of subtly communicating your intentions and disinterest in a serious relationship. Work on ways of reading feedback from your communications. As a trend, what an average man considers subtle looks a lot like a road flare and three organ-grinder monkeys banging away on little cymbals to the average woman. This could be a cause for the gals who are pissed off about your upfront manner, since many people would rather do something than verbally own up to that act beforehand.

That's why the fine art of reading people is important. Words come off like interrogation, contract, and shameful admission, but consider the mating dance you mentioned — it's a dynamic negotiation of physical boundaries and contact through non-verbal channels, filled with the surprise of learning about each other and little thrills as someone carefully matches up to your style.

It's way different than your current approach, which is docking the Enterprise at a Starbase over what is essentially a CB radio.
posted by adipocere at 12:12 PM on May 27, 2009 [3 favorites]

Last time I did this I was dancing with a woman I'd been flirting with for a while. At some point I explained that I thought she was cute and smart and she responded favorably. I then suggested we go out on the porch to discuss it more. We went outside and did some kissing. The key is to make a suggestion to go somewhere where it is more private. If she says yes, it is a good sign. Once alone I usually just move in for a kiss.

As for picking up women, there's no such thing, really. Although I'm not usually one to take personal advice from commercials, last night I saw one of those Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man In the World" commercials entitled "Pick Up Lines." The dude said there was a time and a place for them. The time is "never" and "I'll leave it up to you to figure out the place." That's some right on advice. The less you think about it, the better.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:35 PM on May 27, 2009 [3 favorites]

...consider the mating dance you mentioned — it's a dynamic negotiation of physical boundaries and contact through non-verbal channels, filled with the surprise of learning about each other and little thrills as someone carefully matches up to your style.

A big part of this "dance", this sub-verbal communication, is kino escalation. If you're not doing this, whether naturally or consciously, you're dancing with two left feet.
posted by LordSludge at 12:47 PM on May 27, 2009

I'm inclined to agree with Optimus Chyme's assessment that you're having trouble relating to women on a personal level. The fact that they'll flirt with you in a public place means you clean up nice, but handsome only gets you so far with most women. You need to convey that you respect their interests and are safe and stable enough to qualify as sleepover material, and even then you're appealing only to the part of the female population who will willingly go home with a decent-looking, respectable man after meeting him a few hours earlier. The fact that most of these women aren't even trying to initiate the conversation wherein you decide what you'll both be doing "later" says that you're not getting a green light from them. Like Juliet Banana notes, "restless" doesn't usually mean "dying to go home with this guy I just met at a bar" but usually "okay you're flirty and cute but something is not totally right oh hey my friend just got back with our drinks bye!"

I am not sure what to do at this point, should I just grab her and go home?

No son, you don't. There are myriad subtle cues you can drop the lady in question so you both can negotiate the terms of the evening without directly telling each other, "Yeah, I'd like bone you." This allows for the conversation to stay light-hearted while responsibly laying out who wants to do what. These cues are deeply obvious to everyone involved, so don't worry if your subtext is only thinly varnished. If you discover that you both harbor a mutual love of John Hughes movies, invite her back to watch Weird Science. She knows what you mean, you know she knows what you mean, she knows you know she knows what you mean. But again, if you're not able to hold a conversation about your favorite movies or whatever in the first place, then you're probably going home alone anyways.
posted by zoomorphic at 12:52 PM on May 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you're unsure of what to do with a woman, be careful reading the signs and get verbal confirmation that you both want the same thing. Always ask, don't assume. None of that "but I'll die if we don't stuff." And, at the risk of being censured by the powers that be, let me suggest the one sure way to get sex on demand: pay for it. That's not something I'd normally recommend, but it seems that's primarily what you're looking for and, frankly, since you have a lot to figure out when it comes to women, it might be the most manageable solution for you right now as long as you remember that you're paying for services from a person, not a thing. Oh, and stay away from those how-to-get-any-woman courses (yecch.) Meanwhile, practice seeing all women as people.
posted by x46 at 1:36 PM on May 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am not anti-prostitute or anti-prostitution, and paying for sex will help remedy the "I'd like sex" part of the question. But I think it could make the "I don't understand the mating dance" problem worse.
posted by juliplease at 1:55 PM on May 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think you need to understand that there just isn't a magical way to get many women to have nsa sex with you. While there are some women who want nsa sex, I would dare to say at least a slim if not great majority aren't interested. Full stop. A decent minority are interested in it now and then, under the right circumstances. By now and then, I'm talking once or twice a year max. A even smaller minority, are far more interested in nsa sex than dating and would be down for it generally speaking, with a guy they liked and found attractive.

What I'm trying to get at here is that most women are not going to be interested in nsa sex with you under any circumstances. There is nothing you can say or do that will likely change their stance on this. Also, (and I hate speaking in broad stereotypical generalizations, but here I go anyway) a women who is interested in dating a man, is not likely to take nsa sex as a consolation prize. While most men generally seem happy to do just that. Some women will, but most won't, especially if it's just some guy they met at a bar an hour ago and have no real attachment to.

So just because a woman is attracted in you, interested in going on a date with you, does not mean she is interested in having nsa sex with you. Honestly, I meet guys all the time who I intitially like and would like to date, they then say something that makes it clear they just want sex and guess what those happy feelings of attraction go away. Your desire for nsa sex is simply not compatible with the majority of women you are likely to meet. You can't change that.
posted by whoaali at 2:13 PM on May 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

Ever try calling those phone numbers? Did some of them, maybe, not work when you did?

It may be that giving you their "phone numbers" is their way out of what has become an uncomfortable situation. I'd be surprised if all the numbers you got were real.

You know, you probably are handsome and all the rest, but if you're also That Guy who is only looking for NSA sex with every woman he meets, it will come across loud and clear in your approach. You'd do better actually trying to get to know a few of them, in a friendly way, first.

Stop focusing on the perfect line and the best way to follow up and just relax. Have a conversation. Ask her questions about herself. As suggested above, first suggest somewhere more private. If she agrees to that, moving on to a night at your place might just happen. If not, and you are interested in pursuing it further anyway because you are attracted enough to want more than NSA sex, then get her number. You should have no problem talking to her now that you've gotten to know her better.
posted by misha at 3:08 PM on May 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Your question makes you sound like a jackass, but I did want to point out the weird contradiction in your question; I am not particularly handsome, I'm an okay flirt, and when women give me their numbers... I call them. In the handful of experiences I've had resulting in random sex - no numbers are exchanged, at least not until the morning.

Why are you getting numbers if you just want to get laid?
posted by RajahKing at 8:41 PM on May 27, 2009

follow-up from the OP
I apologize if I came off as one person put it, a jackass, it was not my intention. I am genuinely perplexed at the whole thing, and the very women I am referring to, have on more than one occasion told me that I'm "handsome", that I am "good flirt," and I didn't realize that I objectified women in my inquiry, and for that, I again apologize. It's just to me, sex is sex, and I assumed that there are some women that do enjoy sex, but I'm frustrated and confused by the complicated dance. In other words, I'm trying to understand why I can't just ask them upfront if they want to sleep with me.

Also to clarify few points:

I almost never ask them for their contact, they just give it to me....seriously. Hence my question regarding what to do with the numbers.

"Grab her and go home" was just a figure of speech, a poorly chosen one; it was in no means a description of a literal physical action that I have attempted. So yes, despite my obliviousness, I plainly understand that no means no and am in fact actually terrified of making wrong physical contact...That is why I asked what to do next, and despite the impression I must have given, I don't literally try to drag them home.

Also, again about sex n' relationship, I'm actually horrified at the idea of taking advantage of women, I just feel like it's not proper to "mislead" them to get some sex when I have no interest of being in a relationship. In short, as some of you have pointed out, I want NSA sex but in a clear, honest manner.

I actually have considered the prostitute route, but I feel like it's just too illegal and dangerous here (I personally don't believe that prostitution is amoral, but not to say that it's not without its problems)

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing a piece (or two) of the puzzle, and sometimes I really don't understand human interaction...I know that this is a direct contradiction to my claim as a good flirt, I'm just a good conversationalist, but it doesn't necessarily mean that I am good at reading physical cues.

Thank you all for the, much deserved, if not brutally honest responses....They actually made things a bit clearer.
posted by jessamyn at 7:07 AM on May 28, 2009

please not this is NOT me telling you that you are an alcoholic....
"I'm an excellent flirt, have enough courage (when I'm liquored up) ..."

I believe this might be the problem. You become, or think you become, the super swave lady killer after a few only to realize that you are not what they think you are when sober. Yes, booze will smooth over your nerves enough to seem to be the confident guy but there is another way...learn to be that way sober.

What? Act drunk? NO comeon how many times did you do something stupid ( kiss/squeeze someone, spill/puke, and there's always the famous beer googles) that you didn't care about it at the time but regretted the next day?

BUT....those things that you acted like or felt like WHEN you were drunk that were sucessful characteristics can be learned.

But that means I will be a fraud/that isn't what I am really like. Its not what you are like now...but ACTING/PRACTICING like how you would like to be will MAKE you that way.

As part of my Al-Anon recovery, I have attended some open AA meetings. I have heard from many there that they are emotionally/socially inept. It seems that one thing that alcoholics suffer from is a social/emotional stagnation which often reflects the age they started drinking. In essence, an alcoholic in recovery can be 40 years old but handling things like a 15 year old. They truly have to learn all that stuff to catch up. A rough realization. Try not to be one of them.
posted by CodeMonkey at 5:36 PM on May 28, 2009

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