Can my girl friend become my girlfriend?
May 27, 2009 11:29 AM   Subscribe

Should I reveal my crush to my friend? If so, how?

I am a man and she is a woman. We have been friends for about 2 years. We're both in our 20s, but I am in my late 20s and she is in her early 20s. We have many friends in common, but if it got really awkward or if it ended badly I could lose them as well as her. We live in a pretty small town.

I know the majority of the sentiments will be "What do you have to lose?" so the answer is her friendship, many other friendships, my self-respect and several other opportunities for dating that I will have to end in order to show her I am serious.

If you do think I should go for it, how do I give myself the best chance of success with the least chance of seeming like a sleazeball or a stuttering wuss? I'm convinced that simply sitting her down and telling her how I feel over coffee is more likely to elicit a gentle rejection than a more sophisticated approach. Please share your experiences if you've proposed and accomplished more-than-friendship with a friend. Thanks!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
Try gradually upping the ante. Call her and see her more often, and gradually become more flirtatious and affectionate. If she responds in kind, she is interested. If she doesn't, and seems to either withdraw or become uncomfortable in any way, go back to just being friends.
posted by orange swan at 11:33 AM on May 27, 2009 [6 favorites]


I'm really curious as to how you could lose her friendship and that of your mutual friends? Just because things don't work out doesn't necessarily mean they end horribly.

I sat a good friend down once and stammered out that I'd had a crush on him for a long time. He politely listened to what I had to say, told me he was extremely flattered, and gently told me he didn't feel the same way. OUCH! But I'm glad I had the balls to do it so I didn't have to go on wondering.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:53 AM on May 27, 2009


I agree with orange swan. Talk a little more quietly. Sit a little closer. Give compliments. Give flowers or a little gift. Ask her on a date. If she's not interested, she'll move away a little, or change the subject, or change the tone of the conversation, etc. Nobody makes any pronouncements, nobody feels awkward, nobody has to reject or be rejected. Plus, it gives her a chance to see how she really feels when you do such things.

Don't come out and say, "Do you every think of me as more than a friend?" or tell her that you're attracted to her. It's no way to start something romantic.
posted by wryly at 11:58 AM on May 27, 2009 [2 favorites]


I always think it is better to take a chance than to wonder what could have happened.
posted by Silvertree at 11:59 AM on May 27, 2009


There is a man with whom I've been friends for about 10 years now. When we met, he was very young, green, but an amazing person nonetheless. He's grown into an awesome man and I'd love a chance to escalate our friendship into something more. A few years ago, I had the chance to tell him how I feel when I visited him in Europe for about a week. Ultimately, I decided not to say anything because I did a little balancing question in my head: Is telling him how I feel about him worth the possibility that I'd somehow damage this absolutely fantastic friendship where we tell one another everything, and share a really warm and genuine affection for each other. I decided it was not worth the risk. You might decided otherwise but it's worth asking yourself a similar question. Good luck.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 12:02 PM on May 27, 2009 [2 favorites]


I'm currently nursing a crush on a good friend. He knows about it, doesn't feel the same way, and we're still friends. In fact, we've got breakfast plans tomorrow.

I don't see how revealing said crush will automatically destroy the friendship. If she says no, and then you moon about after her, making a pest of yourself, well, that's different. But if you respectfully accept a no answer and treat her just the same, where's the problem?

And hey, what if she says yes? Awesome.
posted by mollymayhem at 12:07 PM on May 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm normally fairly oblivious about these sorts of things, so when a very good friend of mine asked me out to lunch one afternoon, I thought we were just hanging out. My roommates all told me that it was a date. As it turns out, he asked me lunch in order to ask me if we could go out some other time.

I let him down gently; I wanted his friendship, but nothing more. And I'm not going to lie. Even though it was completely amicable, we have a ton of mutual friends and it was slightly awkward for a while (especially since we didn't tell anyone that he had wanted to date me).

But things are fine now. He's since moved on, and I still have a great friend.
posted by litterateur at 12:11 PM on May 27, 2009


I have to echo notjustfoxybrown here. I've been friends with a lovely man for six years. We've got everything in common and we have a lot of fun when we spend time together. I feel like I can talk to him about anything. But I know he wouldn't be a very good boyfriend for me (or anyone, really) and I'm also not willing to jeopardize our friendship for something that would most likely fail in the long run.

What are your chances that she would really be interested? What sort of a girlfriend would she be? Will it really be worth it? Are you willing to destroy your friendship for it?
posted by elsietheeel at 12:12 PM on May 27, 2009


I know the majority of the sentiments will be "What do you have to lose?" so the answer is her friendship, many other friendships, my self-respect and several other opportunities for dating that I will have to end in order to show her I am serious.

Please believe me when I say that in time -- and really, not very much time at all -- the fears that you're facing will seem trivial compared to your regrets about not pursuing this.

Go for it. Embarrassment fades. Regrets don't.
posted by PlusDistance at 12:26 PM on May 27, 2009 [9 favorites]


both notjustfoxybrown and orange swan have pretty good answers.

As orange swan says, try to escalate a little bit. If she responds positively, she probably is interested, too. I did this with my current girlfriend and it worked!
But then again, as you escalate, or even before you escalate, you should think about whether this is just a really good friendship, or something that could work as more. You could be interested in her for the wrong reasons. She could be wrong for you.

But then again, don't think about it too hard, because it could make you chicken out and make you miss out on something awesome. So basically, it's a really tough situation and in the end you should... (sigh) listen to your heart.
posted by azarbayejani at 12:27 PM on May 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


I agree with orange swan. The common advice to just blurt it out just isn't a good idea. (And on preview, it's why there are so many, "don't risk the friendship," comments.) It is blunt and jarring. If your friend hasn't consider the idea of a relationship with you before, she will likely give you a gentle rejection like you think. On top of all of that, declarations are only romantic if she already knows how she feels about you. Otherwise they're stressful and awkward. However, this doesn't have to be the huge risk to your friendship that others are making it out to be.

Invite her out one on one more. Up the flirting and also the depth of your conversations. Ask her about herself more. Eventually, smile at her the way you already feel. If you accomplish this gradually, by the time she starts to figure out your feelings, she'll have enough experience with you in this flirty mode to actually decide whether or not she could be into you.

During this time, avoid serious physical advances, especially with alcohol involved, until you think she's at least got a clue you're into her. Surprising kisses in situations like this can end very, very poorly. Also, women are often already forced to be on the defensive from sudden sexual advances. Her subconsciously protecting herself against you won't do you any favors.

Once you think she's aware of your feelings, take it from there just like anyone else you want to date. Just don't put her in a position where she'd have to give you a definite answer; she'll figure it out after dating for awhile.

If it turns out she's just not interested, there's a lot less strain on your relationship this way. Both of you can save face, but if worst comes to worst and she puts you on the spot you can always just tell her you were just kinda curious. The less of a big deal it was on your end, the easier it will be for her to accept that it won't be difficult for things to go back the way they were.

If you're interested in discussing this type of thing, feel free to MeFi Mail.

Good Luck
posted by JakeLL at 12:35 PM on May 27, 2009 [2 favorites]


Also:

several other opportunities for dating that I will have to end in order to show her I am serious

I don't quite follow why you would need to prove your sincerity. You're trying to find out if she wants to go out on dates, not instantly be your girlfriend.
posted by JakeLL at 12:38 PM on May 27, 2009


I think the best thing with this sort of thing is to just ask the person out on a date. And don't be all, "OH MY GOD I LURVE YOU," about it. Mucking around, trying to tease out if she likes you, is stupid highschool shit. Life will move on if she's not interested. I can't imagine what kind of crazy situation you're in where asking someone out will cause you to lose all your friends.
posted by chunking express at 12:51 PM on May 27, 2009


Don't have a Relationship Discusson. That is likely to scare most people.

Invite her to a specific, concrete event. Don't let her assume it's a group activity with your friends.

When you're around her, smile more, stand closer, and occasionally touch her in nonthreatening places. If she does the same back, then you're in. If not, back off.
posted by cmiller at 12:53 PM on May 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm with foxy (hubba hubba) but orange swan's approach sounds harmless to me.

A Relationship Discussion, as cmiller says, is a BAD idea.

And as I have said so often on MetaFilter that it might as well be my sig: Friends are more special, valuable, rare and important than lovers. Don't ever ditch the former just to get a shot at the latter.
posted by rokusan at 1:09 PM on May 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


I think that depends on the person. A good way with one, may not work with another. The way I've handled this, twice, is to contrive to hang out with the girl - like go for a coffee etc. - and then jokingly strike a pose in the middle of the street, with a grand sweep of arm: "I feel you must be mine! What do you say now?!!!" Then I await the reaction - if it's "Oh, no!" as it was with the first girl, then I just go "I see my lady - well, fuck it then, let's just have coffee", and I provide my arm and we stride off. No ill effects at all, and all was forgotten 10 seconds later. Yes, I'm known to joke a lot, but what mattered to me was the quality of her reaction - because she was not expecting it, I could see it clearly in her face "no dice". Cool. The second girl I did it with, and she fell right in with it, and we dated for awhile. Now, you can't do it with every girl, and it also depends on how you are perceived, so you don't do anything totally out of character. Anyhow, just giving you an example of what worked for me, with those two girls in particular. Point being - think outside the box, not everything has to be said while earnestly furrowing your brow, kicking the dirt and examining your fingernails.
posted by VikingSword at 1:24 PM on May 27, 2009


Should I reveal my crush to my friend?

I have come to the conclusion that the answer to this question is almost always NO.
posted by jayder at 1:27 PM on May 27, 2009 [2 favorites]


The people in this item are giving you terrible advice, save PlusDistance. If you feel strongly about this, I would recommend that you do this in a measured and sane way, but I would definitely recommend that you do it.

These people have been burned in the past, apparently, but even when I've been shot down, I've never regretted telling someone I liked them as more than a friend. I have always regretting not doing it.
posted by orville sash at 1:47 PM on May 27, 2009


Here's your "sophisticated approach": Ask her out on a date.

"Do you want to go to x with me -- as a date?"

She will either say yes, or no.
posted by hamsterdam at 1:57 PM on May 27, 2009


You might decided otherwise

Uhh ... or you might decide. Either way, think about it.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 2:42 PM on May 27, 2009


Go for it. Embarrassment fades. Regrets don't.

I've never regretted telling someone I liked them as more than a friend. I have always regretting not doing it.

This really depends on temperament. For some people, embarrassment hangs around for a long time, and regrets subside more easily. I've passed up plenty of opportunities to declare my more-than-friendship for people, only to look back a few months later and feel relieved that I kept things the way they were. That may sound very un-carpe diem, but when in doubt, remember that there will be other days to seize.
posted by Beardman at 4:44 PM on May 27, 2009


Is telling him how I feel about him worth the possibility that I'd somehow damage this absolutely fantastic friendship where we tell one another everything

This question is premised on an internal contradiction. Examining and resolving that contradiction might not lead to a different answer, but it will definitely lead to a different view of the situation.
posted by roystgnr at 5:12 PM on May 27, 2009


I think the basic rule to follow in all social interactions is just be honest. If your feelings for her are intense enough that they are the first thing you think about when you see her, why not just fucking be honest and say "hey I have feelings for you". That is, don't frame the situation as an ego-risking rejection/validation dynamic: "Do you like me yes/no!!!". Just frame it as being open and honest with a friend. And respect her being open and honest with you; if she doesnt feel it she doesnt feel it. I don't think it is going to destroy your social life for revealing a crush on a friend.
posted by norabarnacl3 at 5:14 PM on May 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Go for it. Embarrassment fades. Regrets don't.

That's true. I still (17 years later) deeply regret agreeing to try to turn a friendship into a romantic relationship. From the day we met, he wanted to be more than friends; I didn't. Eventually I agreed to give it a try. It didn't work, ended badly, and I lost one of my closest friends in the process.

I agree with rokusan. Don't be in a rush to trade a strong friendship for the chance at a romantic relationship. Especially since you have the sense that bringing it out in the open and asking her about it would "elicit a gentle rejection". I think that's a feeling worth paying attention to.

Speaking from experience, it's awkward and uncomfortable to know that somebody you consider a platonic friend is yearning unrequitedly after you. If she really considers you a friend, not a potential boyfriend, there's a strong chance that trying to change that might push her away.
posted by Lexica at 5:38 PM on May 27, 2009


I'm inclined to say follow orange swan's advice. I don't quite understand how people can say they don't want to lose Person X as a friend by dating them. The alternative seems to be dating people you aren't very close to or don't care about losing and hoping that changes over time, and while I understand that a lot of people do just this, it makes no sense to me. The feelings present in a good friendship have always been the same feelings I want to be present in a relationship, among other things.

I don't think I've ever even felt romantically toward someone who wasn't my friend for at least a couple years first. I lost a friend by dating him once but the alternative to not taking risks like that is having to wade through a crapshoot of tepid relationships. If I was worried about losing my husband as a friend, he wouldn't be my husband now.

Hang out with her more and see if she becomes interested. Even if you date and break-up, there's a chance you could still be friends. And if not, you'll still have had the time together that you did.
posted by Nattie at 5:47 PM on May 27, 2009 [2 favorites]


I don't understand why you've written off simply telling her how you feel. You predict "gentle rejection" if you take the direct approach. Can't you hear yourself making excuses? You list all of the things you supposedly might lose if something goes wrong. That just means there is a lot at stake. That isn't any reason to back off. You're playing the game with yourself of imagining the worst possible consequences. The most likely reaction will be that she is pleased, flattered and impressed that you have the balls to say something.

Your job is to let her know how amazing she is. What do you like about her? What endears her to you? That's what you tell her. Imagine you are talking to a good friend about her, explaining why she's so incredible. What would you say to him? How would you convince him that she's awesome? If you need some help, ask your friends what they like about their girlfriends, and get some ideas from them. You want to talk to her as if you need to convince her that she's special. And be sure to include your feelings. You have to tell the story of how you became aware of her qualities and how you noticed your emotional reaction to her was changing and becoming deeper. Think of it as a narrative.
posted by conrad53 at 9:20 PM on May 27, 2009


I think it's generally a bad idea. If she hasn't shown any romantic interest in you at all then she probably isn't going to want to date you. In my experience, the longer you're friends with a woman, the less likely it is that you can have a romantic relationship with her. Going from dating to friendship is loads easier than going from friends to dating. The only girl I ever started out as good friends with before dating was my high school sweetheart. It was good, but after the relationship was over, so was the friendship and I haven't really talked to her since then.
posted by runcibleshaw at 10:38 PM on May 27, 2009


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