Out of the Past
May 23, 2009 12:20 PM Subscribe
A woman who I thought was out of my life has started e-mailing me again. I'm not sure how to interpret it and need some perspective. The long version inside.
I'm in my mid-thirties and not terribly experienced with women. Because it's somewhat relevant to the story, I'll also disclose I have a significant physical disability.
Last year, one of my paid caregivers and I realized that a strong attraction had developed between us. She was married at the time and she promptly decided to quit, but it was difficult for both of us to break off all contact. We continued to e-mail and talk, especially after she moved out and initiated divorce proceedings.
We spent a little time together over that summer and those moments were absolutely lovely. But she decided we couldn't pursue things any further. We were very different; she's an evangelical with two young kids and I'm a nonbeliever. She wanted someone who could relate to her faith and be "equally yoked", to use an evangelical term. I was crushed, of course. I adored her and she was one of the few people who seemed to really get me. She did emphasize that my disability did not factor into her decision.
I have not seen her since last summer. I continued to miss her terribly, but dealt with the loneliness by staying busy with work and other things. I know she started seeing someone else last fall/winter (she e-mailed me around New Year's to apologize for hurting me and that's when she shared that news). I wished her well and figured that would be the last I would hear from her.
A few weeks ago, she e-mailed me out of the blue. She made it clear that she was still with her boyfriend, that she regrets what happened between us, and was not interested in rekindling anything, but she missed me and that I was still dear to her. She asked me if we could at least be friends on Facebook. I didn't find that very appealing--it seems like a shallow way to be friends and I didn't really have any desire to hear about the daily minutiae of her life. But I didn't want to totally close the door, so I told her she can e-mail me again if she likes. A couple weeks later, she e-mailed me again with something along the lines "One of my kids just asked me why we don't see you anymore. I thought that was funny and I thought I'd share."
Hearing from her again has stirred up feelings of loneliness that I thought I was starting to resolve. I take her at her word when she says she only wants to be friends, but I can't ignore the nagging feeling that she's not telling me something. I can't understand why she chose now to reestablish contact. A friend of mine suggested just point-blank asking her what's going on, but I'm reluctant to do so. I don't want to give her the impression I'm clinging to some impossible hope of restarting things and have her feel sorry for me. But I also keep hoping she'll contact me again.
My question, then: should I try having an honest discussion with her about her motives in contacting me? Or should I leave well enough alone? She affects my emotions like nobody else and I feel like that's really clouding my judgment. I appreciate any advice you can offer.
I'm in my mid-thirties and not terribly experienced with women. Because it's somewhat relevant to the story, I'll also disclose I have a significant physical disability.
Last year, one of my paid caregivers and I realized that a strong attraction had developed between us. She was married at the time and she promptly decided to quit, but it was difficult for both of us to break off all contact. We continued to e-mail and talk, especially after she moved out and initiated divorce proceedings.
We spent a little time together over that summer and those moments were absolutely lovely. But she decided we couldn't pursue things any further. We were very different; she's an evangelical with two young kids and I'm a nonbeliever. She wanted someone who could relate to her faith and be "equally yoked", to use an evangelical term. I was crushed, of course. I adored her and she was one of the few people who seemed to really get me. She did emphasize that my disability did not factor into her decision.
I have not seen her since last summer. I continued to miss her terribly, but dealt with the loneliness by staying busy with work and other things. I know she started seeing someone else last fall/winter (she e-mailed me around New Year's to apologize for hurting me and that's when she shared that news). I wished her well and figured that would be the last I would hear from her.
A few weeks ago, she e-mailed me out of the blue. She made it clear that she was still with her boyfriend, that she regrets what happened between us, and was not interested in rekindling anything, but she missed me and that I was still dear to her. She asked me if we could at least be friends on Facebook. I didn't find that very appealing--it seems like a shallow way to be friends and I didn't really have any desire to hear about the daily minutiae of her life. But I didn't want to totally close the door, so I told her she can e-mail me again if she likes. A couple weeks later, she e-mailed me again with something along the lines "One of my kids just asked me why we don't see you anymore. I thought that was funny and I thought I'd share."
Hearing from her again has stirred up feelings of loneliness that I thought I was starting to resolve. I take her at her word when she says she only wants to be friends, but I can't ignore the nagging feeling that she's not telling me something. I can't understand why she chose now to reestablish contact. A friend of mine suggested just point-blank asking her what's going on, but I'm reluctant to do so. I don't want to give her the impression I'm clinging to some impossible hope of restarting things and have her feel sorry for me. But I also keep hoping she'll contact me again.
My question, then: should I try having an honest discussion with her about her motives in contacting me? Or should I leave well enough alone? She affects my emotions like nobody else and I feel like that's really clouding my judgment. I appreciate any advice you can offer.
I take her at her word when she says she only wants to be friends, but I can't ignore the nagging feeling that she's not telling me something. I can't understand why she chose now to reestablish contact.
Who knows? Sometimes I go through my contact list and see who I haven't talked to in awhile. Maybe she passed by someone who was wearing a shirt from your favorite sports team. Maybe she was just bored. It's also possible that she doesn't know how she feels about you, and making contact was a way of exploring that for her. Sort of the opposite of poking at a wound to see if it still hurts.
I don't think it does you any good to ruminate over this. If you'd really like to get back together with her, SAY SO. She will make her intentions clear at that point, and if she chooses to remain friends, then accept that. Otherwise this could turn into an obsession. I wouldn't ask her point-blank about her intentions - when I'm put on the spot, I reflexively answer "no." It's better to tell her your intentions and take the risk of rejection. You're not really losing much - you'd been out of touch with her anyway.
If you're lonely, you need to fill up your time with other things and people. If your disability allows you to get out of the house, do that. Meet other people. If you're housebound, well, I don't know, but there has to be some solution there.
posted by desjardins at 12:32 PM on May 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
Who knows? Sometimes I go through my contact list and see who I haven't talked to in awhile. Maybe she passed by someone who was wearing a shirt from your favorite sports team. Maybe she was just bored. It's also possible that she doesn't know how she feels about you, and making contact was a way of exploring that for her. Sort of the opposite of poking at a wound to see if it still hurts.
I don't think it does you any good to ruminate over this. If you'd really like to get back together with her, SAY SO. She will make her intentions clear at that point, and if she chooses to remain friends, then accept that. Otherwise this could turn into an obsession. I wouldn't ask her point-blank about her intentions - when I'm put on the spot, I reflexively answer "no." It's better to tell her your intentions and take the risk of rejection. You're not really losing much - you'd been out of touch with her anyway.
If you're lonely, you need to fill up your time with other things and people. If your disability allows you to get out of the house, do that. Meet other people. If you're housebound, well, I don't know, but there has to be some solution there.
posted by desjardins at 12:32 PM on May 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
I don't want to give her the impression I'm clinging to some impossible hope of restarting things and have her feel sorry for me.
Concern for her opinion of you indicates to me that you are playing defense.
People do that because they feel threatened. You feel threatened.
I'd listen to that feeling. I'd be real careful here. If you do love her, you need to say either we are dating or I need you to leave me alone.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:43 PM on May 23, 2009 [10 favorites]
Concern for her opinion of you indicates to me that you are playing defense.
People do that because they feel threatened. You feel threatened.
I'd listen to that feeling. I'd be real careful here. If you do love her, you need to say either we are dating or I need you to leave me alone.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:43 PM on May 23, 2009 [10 favorites]
Maybe she was just bored.
One thing I hate about FB (and the internet in general) is how easy it is to stir up all kinds of unnecessary personal trauma anytime one is bored or feeling vaguely sentimental or dissatisfied. It sounds to me like she doesn't have a particularly good filter -- when she thinks of you or remembers you fondly, she should be able to just keep that to herself and enjoy it; if she thought about it for more than 5 minutes it might occur to her how confusing and hurtful it could be to contact you whenever she's feeling this way, she'd probably opt to stay quiet. Instead, you are always just a few keystrokes away, which perpetually puts you at the mercy of her emotional tide. She's probably unconscious of this.
If you have feelings for her, I think it's fair to tell her that you're simply not able to have casual contact with her just yet without wondering what it all means, and ask her to please let you initiate contact when you're ready. If she has an ounce of real compassion and is anything but a flaming drama queen, she'll understand completely.
posted by hermitosis at 12:49 PM on May 23, 2009 [5 favorites]
One thing I hate about FB (and the internet in general) is how easy it is to stir up all kinds of unnecessary personal trauma anytime one is bored or feeling vaguely sentimental or dissatisfied. It sounds to me like she doesn't have a particularly good filter -- when she thinks of you or remembers you fondly, she should be able to just keep that to herself and enjoy it; if she thought about it for more than 5 minutes it might occur to her how confusing and hurtful it could be to contact you whenever she's feeling this way, she'd probably opt to stay quiet. Instead, you are always just a few keystrokes away, which perpetually puts you at the mercy of her emotional tide. She's probably unconscious of this.
If you have feelings for her, I think it's fair to tell her that you're simply not able to have casual contact with her just yet without wondering what it all means, and ask her to please let you initiate contact when you're ready. If she has an ounce of real compassion and is anything but a flaming drama queen, she'll understand completely.
posted by hermitosis at 12:49 PM on May 23, 2009 [5 favorites]
She probably genuinely wants attention from someone who adores her (that'd be you.) It can be seductively affirming to know that someone is carrying a torch for you.
You sound like you are quite sure that it would not be best for you, emotionally, to try to be "friends" with a woman with whom you really want to have a relationship. She needs to be a big girl and respect your feelings.
She may genuinely miss your friendship, as well, but asking you to maintain a superficial link with her knowing that it would be painful for you? Not cool, and doesn't incline me to view her motives with much generosity.
posted by desuetude at 12:52 PM on May 23, 2009 [5 favorites]
You sound like you are quite sure that it would not be best for you, emotionally, to try to be "friends" with a woman with whom you really want to have a relationship. She needs to be a big girl and respect your feelings.
She may genuinely miss your friendship, as well, but asking you to maintain a superficial link with her knowing that it would be painful for you? Not cool, and doesn't incline me to view her motives with much generosity.
posted by desuetude at 12:52 PM on May 23, 2009 [5 favorites]
Maybe she needs money or a favor. In my experience, when old friends contact me, it's always because they need this or that. The friend will be chummy for a while and then the request will follow within a few conversations. I'm not saying that's what I think it is and from what you wrote it doesn't seem like that's what it is. But you never know. And that's the pessimistic possibility whether you like it or not.
posted by Pleadthefifth at 12:52 PM on May 23, 2009
posted by Pleadthefifth at 12:52 PM on May 23, 2009
Oh, FWIW, I am absolutely the kind of person who loves having contact with old friends, old flames, exes, etc. Some of whom I count among my closest friends. But it's important (to me) that those relationships have evolved and exist on their own terms.
I spent nearly ten years missing a close friend who had romantic feelings for me before I felt okay about renewing our acquaintance long-distance. Does this woman care about you enough to wait years, to make sure you have moved on, to ensure that she's not hurting you with her overtures of friendship?
posted by desuetude at 12:57 PM on May 23, 2009 [2 favorites]
I spent nearly ten years missing a close friend who had romantic feelings for me before I felt okay about renewing our acquaintance long-distance. Does this woman care about you enough to wait years, to make sure you have moved on, to ensure that she's not hurting you with her overtures of friendship?
posted by desuetude at 12:57 PM on May 23, 2009 [2 favorites]
You can't know what someone is thinking. You can only judge their actions.
Her actions in this case have been limited to email. Which is to say she has made the absolute minimum effort possible to interact with you.
Minimum effort = minimum interest.
posted by wfrgms at 2:48 PM on May 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
Her actions in this case have been limited to email. Which is to say she has made the absolute minimum effort possible to interact with you.
Minimum effort = minimum interest.
posted by wfrgms at 2:48 PM on May 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
This woman is missing something in her current relationship and she seeks it in you. Just like she did when her marriage was not working. She is using you. She does not want anything more than someone to care for her so she can jumpstart her self esteem. You are not seen as a threat to her long term either because of your disability or some other reason you are inaccessible. I do not think there is any potential for long term success with this woman. Just because of your disability and your admitted lack of significant experience with women, do not get fooled into thinking that your options are limited and to feel you are screwing up if you pass this by. Fuck FB or emails. THis is real life baby!
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:05 PM on May 23, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:05 PM on May 23, 2009 [5 favorites]
It seems like there are two issues here. One, why does she want to be your friend. Two, should I be friends with her.
I would like to think that she wants to be friends with you because she misses the emotional connection. When you spend a great deal of time with someone that you feel deeply about, their absence is keenly felt. She misses you and wants to regain a relationship with you. There's many reasons why. Perhaps she has no other ulterior motive than you are a great person to be friends with. Or perhaps she gets a boost from your adoration. You two obviously have different opinions, perhaps she values your perspective. It doesn't matter why. It matters if you are okay with why, and if you are getting something positive out of the relationship as well. From my perspective, asking to be Facebook friends is just a very tentative query of if you and her can begin to rebuild a friendship.
Now onto the more important question. Should you be friends with her? You obviously have quite strong feelings about her. You indicate you miss her. Do you miss her as a friend (like she may be missing you) or do you miss her as a partner? And, if you can answer that question, can you be friends with someone who may never be more than that? If you feel rekindling this friendship, my advice would be to take it slow, and to keep looking elsewhere for that person out there who can and will love you.
posted by gagoumot at 3:30 PM on May 23, 2009
I would like to think that she wants to be friends with you because she misses the emotional connection. When you spend a great deal of time with someone that you feel deeply about, their absence is keenly felt. She misses you and wants to regain a relationship with you. There's many reasons why. Perhaps she has no other ulterior motive than you are a great person to be friends with. Or perhaps she gets a boost from your adoration. You two obviously have different opinions, perhaps she values your perspective. It doesn't matter why. It matters if you are okay with why, and if you are getting something positive out of the relationship as well. From my perspective, asking to be Facebook friends is just a very tentative query of if you and her can begin to rebuild a friendship.
Now onto the more important question. Should you be friends with her? You obviously have quite strong feelings about her. You indicate you miss her. Do you miss her as a friend (like she may be missing you) or do you miss her as a partner? And, if you can answer that question, can you be friends with someone who may never be more than that? If you feel rekindling this friendship, my advice would be to take it slow, and to keep looking elsewhere for that person out there who can and will love you.
posted by gagoumot at 3:30 PM on May 23, 2009
People here seem to be missing that she was your paid caregiver.
I'm assuming she wasn't a babysitter, so there's probably weird issues going on with her having power, being able to take care of somebody, and so on.
I wouldn't follow this up- you did mention she's got a boyfriend now. I get the feeling she's playing games.
posted by dunkadunc at 3:37 PM on May 23, 2009
I'm assuming she wasn't a babysitter, so there's probably weird issues going on with her having power, being able to take care of somebody, and so on.
I wouldn't follow this up- you did mention she's got a boyfriend now. I get the feeling she's playing games.
posted by dunkadunc at 3:37 PM on May 23, 2009
"I have not seen her since last summer. I continued to miss her terribly, but dealt with the loneliness by staying busy with work and other things. I know she started seeing someone else last fall/winter (she e-mailed me around New Year's to apologize for hurting me and that's when she shared that news). I wished her well and figured that would be the last I would hear from her."
Had you started to move on with your life? Had you started to think less and less about her each day?
I was in a similar situation when an ex-girlfriend and I broke up. For the first few months it was tough. Missed her terribly, thought about her each day, felt like a bit of me had been ripped away forever.
It wasn't helped by the fact that I still essentially 'saw' her when I talked to her over IRC. We kept a mainly civil, non-romantic tone, which was good, but I wanted her back so bad.
What I came to realise was that continued contact with her, someone who I could never have back, was not helping me move on. Infact, it was making this worse.
So after I realised this, I went cold turkey. Left the IRC chat channel, deleted and blocked her from MSN, deleted her contact detals from my mobile phone and subdued my urges to re-initiate contact with her at all.
I won't lie to you; it was tough. Really tough. And it hurt. But after about 5 or 6 months, it got easier. Eventually I started to think less and less about her each day, each week, each month. Eventually I barely thought about her at all. And when I realised I had finally moved on, I enjoyed life again.
Go cold turkey. It sounds to me that you and her can and never will be. And while being friends is nice, I'm worried that you will continually pine for her on some level, which might prevent you from seizing other romantic opportunities if and when they present themselves.
So again, go cold turkey, cut her out of your life. It will be tough, but I argue that in the long run, you'll both be better off for having done so.
posted by Effigy2000 at 4:03 PM on May 23, 2009 [3 favorites]
Had you started to move on with your life? Had you started to think less and less about her each day?
I was in a similar situation when an ex-girlfriend and I broke up. For the first few months it was tough. Missed her terribly, thought about her each day, felt like a bit of me had been ripped away forever.
It wasn't helped by the fact that I still essentially 'saw' her when I talked to her over IRC. We kept a mainly civil, non-romantic tone, which was good, but I wanted her back so bad.
What I came to realise was that continued contact with her, someone who I could never have back, was not helping me move on. Infact, it was making this worse.
So after I realised this, I went cold turkey. Left the IRC chat channel, deleted and blocked her from MSN, deleted her contact detals from my mobile phone and subdued my urges to re-initiate contact with her at all.
I won't lie to you; it was tough. Really tough. And it hurt. But after about 5 or 6 months, it got easier. Eventually I started to think less and less about her each day, each week, each month. Eventually I barely thought about her at all. And when I realised I had finally moved on, I enjoyed life again.
Go cold turkey. It sounds to me that you and her can and never will be. And while being friends is nice, I'm worried that you will continually pine for her on some level, which might prevent you from seizing other romantic opportunities if and when they present themselves.
So again, go cold turkey, cut her out of your life. It will be tough, but I argue that in the long run, you'll both be better off for having done so.
posted by Effigy2000 at 4:03 PM on May 23, 2009 [3 favorites]
She missed something in her marriage. She missed something in your relationship with her. She missed something in her new guy. She misses your friendship.What is to be missed next?
posted by Postroad at 4:13 PM on May 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Postroad at 4:13 PM on May 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
A couple weeks later, she e-mailed me again with something along the lines "One of my kids just asked me why we don't see you anymore. I thought that was funny and I thought I'd share."
"Oh, my child, we don't see him anymore because I broke up with him and started to see someone else and decided not to continue being friends with him, that's why". I don't think that's really that funny, and I don't really understand why that is worthy of getting in touch with you wanting to share the memories about.
This seems to be all about her, not about you, and not about anything about you and her together. What's in it for you is totally not clear to me.
posted by kch at 4:15 PM on May 23, 2009 [4 favorites]
"Oh, my child, we don't see him anymore because I broke up with him and started to see someone else and decided not to continue being friends with him, that's why". I don't think that's really that funny, and I don't really understand why that is worthy of getting in touch with you wanting to share the memories about.
This seems to be all about her, not about you, and not about anything about you and her together. What's in it for you is totally not clear to me.
posted by kch at 4:15 PM on May 23, 2009 [4 favorites]
It might be many things. Including her seeking a way to express remorse over how the relationship ended, or to alleviate cognitive dissonance that built up while she was alone with her thoughts after all communication was cut. She might need help, and quite possibly see you as the only one in position to provide that help.
People who are good at taking care of others oftentimes are very tough with and critical of themselves. Evidently, your parting ways was a rupture in the lives of both of you, and from introspective point of view it left negative emotional baggage, which is somewhat inevitable with breakups. Yet after time passes, emotionally strong people might attempt to 'reclaim the baggage' by reestablishing a contact that allows dialogue on level of compassion and honesty that the relationship could not possibly have while ongoing.
Here comes the tough part. Every human has enough internal resources to cope with emotional transitions on his own, no doubt about that. However a chance to go over what happened often has truly cathartic breakthroughs, and may clear much self-imposed negativities, self-doubt, appease the weight of post-factum interpretations of what the other had said or done. In that sense, it is maybe one of the major gifts that humans can offer each other. And it takes enormous strength and courage to open up to doing it.
Now, you say you keep hoping she'll contact you again. What is it that you desire from the contact? Do you believe you could gain something personally from rekindling friendship (other than 'restarting things')?
It is hard to give advice here, but I'd say, ask her if she needs your help in going over some of the issues that remained unresolved. And listen to what the answer is. I might be shallow, then cut your losses. It might be deep, and you might decide to help each other. It would be precious to hear back from you how it turns out.
posted by Jurate at 5:03 PM on May 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
People who are good at taking care of others oftentimes are very tough with and critical of themselves. Evidently, your parting ways was a rupture in the lives of both of you, and from introspective point of view it left negative emotional baggage, which is somewhat inevitable with breakups. Yet after time passes, emotionally strong people might attempt to 'reclaim the baggage' by reestablishing a contact that allows dialogue on level of compassion and honesty that the relationship could not possibly have while ongoing.
Here comes the tough part. Every human has enough internal resources to cope with emotional transitions on his own, no doubt about that. However a chance to go over what happened often has truly cathartic breakthroughs, and may clear much self-imposed negativities, self-doubt, appease the weight of post-factum interpretations of what the other had said or done. In that sense, it is maybe one of the major gifts that humans can offer each other. And it takes enormous strength and courage to open up to doing it.
Now, you say you keep hoping she'll contact you again. What is it that you desire from the contact? Do you believe you could gain something personally from rekindling friendship (other than 'restarting things')?
It is hard to give advice here, but I'd say, ask her if she needs your help in going over some of the issues that remained unresolved. And listen to what the answer is. I might be shallow, then cut your losses. It might be deep, and you might decide to help each other. It would be precious to hear back from you how it turns out.
posted by Jurate at 5:03 PM on May 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
Her motives are irrelevant. Take her at her word, she just wants to be friends now. It doesn't sound like you're ready for that, because it has stirred up all these feelings. I'd tell her you're not ready.
You could say: "I'm sorry. You're an important person to me, and I remember you with love. But I'm not ready to be friends yet. I might never be, I don't know yet. I'm not crushed or depressed, I'm doing okay, I just need to distance from you right now because it stirs up old feelings. Can we go back to not communicating, and can I be the one to contact you if I reach a point where I'm ready?"
posted by salvia at 6:58 PM on May 23, 2009 [5 favorites]
You could say: "I'm sorry. You're an important person to me, and I remember you with love. But I'm not ready to be friends yet. I might never be, I don't know yet. I'm not crushed or depressed, I'm doing okay, I just need to distance from you right now because it stirs up old feelings. Can we go back to not communicating, and can I be the one to contact you if I reach a point where I'm ready?"
posted by salvia at 6:58 PM on May 23, 2009 [5 favorites]
A relationship to be avoided like the plague. It is one sided on her part. Your hope over rides all rational consideration. Taking it any further than thank you but i'd rather not will only come to grief.
posted by ptm at 7:23 PM on May 23, 2009
posted by ptm at 7:23 PM on May 23, 2009
She asked me if we could at least be friends on Facebook. I didn't find that very appealing--it seems like a shallow way to be friends and I didn't really have any desire to hear about the daily minutiae of her life.
A friend of mine suggested just point-blank asking her what's going on, but I'm reluctant to do so. I don't want to give her the impression I'm clinging to some impossible hope of restarting things and have her feel sorry for me.
This is an easy one: the best way to be up-front about this without seeming like you're clinging to some impossible hope of restarting things is to just be up-front about your feelings about her contacting you. Other people have said it here, and so will I: the next time she sends you something, just say "hey, [person], I think you should know that I appreciated you contacting me to be friends again, and I know you've moved on, but it takes me longer to move on so I can't be your friend right now. I'll let you know when that changes."
What's important here is keeping her out of your life so you can continue the healing process. Figuring out what's going on inside her head, or if she wants to be more than friends, is irrelevant because you already know you're incompatible -- so it doesn't matter what's in her head, and meanwhile this contact is keeping you from healing.
Good luck.
posted by davejay at 8:59 PM on May 23, 2009 [3 favorites]
A friend of mine suggested just point-blank asking her what's going on, but I'm reluctant to do so. I don't want to give her the impression I'm clinging to some impossible hope of restarting things and have her feel sorry for me.
This is an easy one: the best way to be up-front about this without seeming like you're clinging to some impossible hope of restarting things is to just be up-front about your feelings about her contacting you. Other people have said it here, and so will I: the next time she sends you something, just say "hey, [person], I think you should know that I appreciated you contacting me to be friends again, and I know you've moved on, but it takes me longer to move on so I can't be your friend right now. I'll let you know when that changes."
What's important here is keeping her out of your life so you can continue the healing process. Figuring out what's going on inside her head, or if she wants to be more than friends, is irrelevant because you already know you're incompatible -- so it doesn't matter what's in her head, and meanwhile this contact is keeping you from healing.
Good luck.
posted by davejay at 8:59 PM on May 23, 2009 [3 favorites]
Davejay says wise things. If it doesn't sit well, not rude or out of line to relate as much without ruling out more communication in the future.
As best I can tell, and maybe I've missed this, she does not have a clear sense of your emotions and feelings. From that perspective, hard to see her actions as inappropriate, unreasonable, inconsiderate.
Feels far from unfathomable that she genuinely and simply values you as a person and a friend, has an interest in you and your well-being, an interest in sharing and trading thoughts about your lives, the world around you and her. I don't get something of a tone in some responses that she's tending toward being selfish, inconsiderate and such.
Y'all had a connection; there was (presumably is) a huge difference relative to faith; she moved on; there was nothing that would qualify as bad behavior (lies, deception and such) before or after she did; she always valued the friendship, liked you and respected you... so it's logical and reasonable that she would wish to continue communicating with you.
Regarding the nature of communication, e-mail and FB, different people have different thoughts and approaches to that. Maybe she sees it as a starting point and hopes it moves on to IM, Skype video, etc.
posted by ambient2 at 3:52 AM on May 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
As best I can tell, and maybe I've missed this, she does not have a clear sense of your emotions and feelings. From that perspective, hard to see her actions as inappropriate, unreasonable, inconsiderate.
Feels far from unfathomable that she genuinely and simply values you as a person and a friend, has an interest in you and your well-being, an interest in sharing and trading thoughts about your lives, the world around you and her. I don't get something of a tone in some responses that she's tending toward being selfish, inconsiderate and such.
Y'all had a connection; there was (presumably is) a huge difference relative to faith; she moved on; there was nothing that would qualify as bad behavior (lies, deception and such) before or after she did; she always valued the friendship, liked you and respected you... so it's logical and reasonable that she would wish to continue communicating with you.
Regarding the nature of communication, e-mail and FB, different people have different thoughts and approaches to that. Maybe she sees it as a starting point and hopes it moves on to IM, Skype video, etc.
posted by ambient2 at 3:52 AM on May 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
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What a strange request. I think I'd respond with something along the lines of "Can't we be friends in real life, instead?"
As to figuring out her motives, I don't think that's something you should do so explicitly, so early, because what's the "good" outcome, really?
Better, I think, to "try out" the friendship thing. Try to avoid topics of an intimate nature for awhile, and talk about other things in your lives, see how it goes.
And this: friends are more important, more precious, and more rare than lovers. If you can maintain a friendship, cherish that.
posted by rokusan at 12:27 PM on May 23, 2009 [1 favorite]