How do I stop paying attention to my wife?
May 17, 2009 9:41 PM   Subscribe

My wife hates warm weather. I think warm weather is the bee's knees. How do I cope with this?

My wife and I love each other very much, and get along famously - we have similar outlooks on life and share a lot, but not all, of the same interests in music, books, film, all that superficial stuff. And on the "deeper" stuff, we're mostly in sync as well - sure, we have our little quibbles, but by and large we have a really solid relationship that has seen its ups and downs but on balance is quite wonderful.

Except this time of year.

My wife was born and raised in a desert climate, and she moved to our current much-more-temperate northwestern location about 12 years ago solely because it rains a lot and the winters are bleak and gray and cold. I have lived in this bleak gray coldness all my life, so around this time of year I start to get really happy, because the sun comes out and stays out - it's not that hot, but it's sunny and light and generally makes me want to skip up and down the street singing a happy song of spring.

My wife, on the other hand, sees days like this first real sunny day in weeks as the canary in the coalmine - she starts throwing around phrases like "fucking sun" and "stupid hot" and "I hate this weather and want the snow back". Even though it's never as hot here (and I mean NEVER) as where she grew up, she still has the revulsion to the sun she's always had; even if it's only in the mid-60's, if the sun's out she gets in a really foul mood, which subsequently puts me in a foul mood.

I want to enjoy spring and summer, and it kills me that my wife hates it so much - I know that I will never convince her to like it when it gets warm, and I've tried to talk with her about how her constant complaining about the sun when it's really not hot outside kinda kills my enthusiasm for this lovely time of year. After I tell her this, she does try to modulate what she says, but within a couple days it's back to full force and it feels like I never said anything. I don't want to constantly be a nag.

So in short, I'm not looking to change her mind (I will never convince her that spring and summer are nice, so I don't even try), and I definitely know where she's coming from and respect her dislike of the heat - but what I really want to know is how I can cope with an incessant stream of complaining about what is probably my favorite time of the year from what is probably my favorite person in the world.

Throwaway email is feralmuppet@gmail.com if you have questions or want to share in private.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
Feel sorry for her? Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder.
posted by Sassyfras at 9:46 PM on May 17, 2009


So lately, my wife and I have been doing nearly all of our grocery shopping at the farmers market. We're not stereotypical farmers market people. Like, at all. But one thing we really get a kick out of is that unlike the supermarket where they basically sell the same items year-round, what veggies and fruits you can get at the farmers market is constantly changing. It's exciting. And as we get more adventurous in bringing home new veggies and learning how to cook them, the changing weather becomes a bigger part of our lives. We notice the changing seasons more, and we notice rainy spells and dry spells more.

Here's the point: the change in weather is something to love and cherish, the cold and the hot and everything. You like the hot best and your wife likes the cold best. I like eggplant best and my wife likes squash best. But what's most exciting of all is the change itself. On the flipside, when it's cold and rainy, you need to let your wife enjoy it. Drink wine and make out in the rain, like in that French movie I can't remember the title of. It's buying trips to the beach.
posted by roll truck roll at 10:12 PM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


I am very similar to your wife and my fiancee is very much the opposite in that she loves warm weather and abhors the cold.

I'm not sure what you can do to improve her mood except to try to come up with new activities that do not involve going outside. In the heat of the summer, I try not to go outside until the evening. I also like to sit on the porch and drink cocktails...

I understand your dilemma, I have the same problem every fall when it begins to get cold.
posted by schyler523 at 10:41 PM on May 17, 2009


I like hades idea. Help her associate hot summer days with her wonderful husband fetching her amazing drinks all day. Soon she'll love summer.
posted by rokusan at 11:04 PM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm going to submit a piece of advice that I give to cat owners.
Get a spray bottle or water pistol. When your companion is being annoying, use it.
(I think that if applied judiciously and flirtatiously, this solution could be charming. But please to note: I am not married. Probably for unrelated reasons.)
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:44 PM on May 17, 2009 [5 favorites]


As a fellow heat-hater, I suggest the following. One, a room where she can have an air conditioner make an ice cold sanctuary, with nice heavy curtains and blinds. Two, a parasol to keep the sun off. It may invite a few questions, so it only works if she's got the personality to enjoy this. Three, hot saunas. It may sound odd, but after spending fifteen minutes in a burning hot sauna, even a hot Oklahoma summer is nothing.
posted by Saydur at 12:22 AM on May 18, 2009


Move her to central Canada for January. Then I guarantee you'll like your old cold weather for a while, and she'll maybe appreciate warmth a bit more :P
posted by lizbunny at 12:29 AM on May 18, 2009


Seconding Saydur. Have a 'cave' room. Blackout curtains + 'cold'. If you have Central Air get a window unit anyway. Also, do the same to your bedroom (at least for sleeping) and add an additional blanket.
posted by filmgeek at 3:05 AM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


Sounds to me like the problem is not the varying tastes, it's the bitching.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:30 AM on May 18, 2009 [3 favorites]


There's no point in being brought down by somebody's crankiness. In one of our first summers together, hades's summer crabbiness was getting to me, truly. It was hard to believe that it wasn't directed at me, at least obliquely. It wasn't until I saw him unwinding with his feet in a bucket of cold water that I thoroughly internalized that it was not about me. Not even a little.

Yeah, this. If she's really mad about the weather — something you couldn't possibly control, and something she couldn't possibly believe you control — then you're allowed to quit feeling bad about it.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:55 AM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


I can relate in some ways, but in some ways her problem confuses me. I live in a place that gets very hot and I start to get down in the dumps at the end of the summer because it's miserably horribly hot where I live and you start to feel like you can never leave the house without misery. I don't really understand why your wife is unable to tolerate warm weather when she grew up with hot weather, especially because it sounds like your summers are equivalent the early spring and late falls of hotter climates. If she has THAT big of an aversion to the sun/mildly warm weather, there may be something else going on that needs to be resolved. Or at least needs to learn to stop bitching. You don't bitch about the cold and the rain constantly, so she should let you enjoy your weather.
posted by ishotjr at 6:35 AM on May 18, 2009


I don't really understand why your wife is unable to tolerate warm weather when she grew up with hot weather, especially because it sounds like your summers are equivalent the early spring and late falls of hotter climates.

Hi, I grew up in a very warm climate and now very happily inhabit the very far north. Above 20 C is very uncomfortable for me, god only knows why. And I bitch about the weather a lot. Maybe it is because in most hot areas of the country, people rely very much on air conditioning and participate in water sports. That's what I did growing up. I never ran around outside when it was 30 C. I went to the swimming pool or read a book inside with my friend the air conditioning.

Sometimes my boyfriend gets upset about this. We have had several fights because I angrily complained about weather and he thought it was about HIM. It wasn't and it never well be.

Now that my BF has told me that my complaining upsets him and brings him down, I pretty much have found ways to keep it to myself or to discuss it with other weather-negative people.

And he bought me a sun hat! It makes a really big difference! Esp. since I sometimes work out in gardens.
posted by melissam at 7:02 AM on May 18, 2009


I'm Hades ex. My exDH is African which just makes things worse as some people expect him to love hot weather instead of liking walking out in mid-winter with no gloves or hat and his coat open. Plus, he has plant allergies that start up in spring and last through to fall. And the sun hurts his eyes. Solution: stay inside during the hottest part of the day and enjoy early morning and evenings, get allergy treatment, wear hats and the darkest sunglasses made, wear loose all cotton clothes as they're cooler and don't stick to you, keep a jug of boiled water and lots of ice in the refrigerator, stock up on aspirin, install a ceiling fan over the bed that can rotate very slowly, use a parasol, pray for fall, and ignore fools who assume you love summer. Oh, and send her to Winnipeg in early February.
posted by x46 at 7:29 AM on May 18, 2009


Be sympathetic, and make sure she knows that you really hear her. "I know how much you dislike the heat." "Can I get you a cool drink?" and "You look really hot in those shorts. in the good way. rrowwrrrr." Even some teasing "Hey, blowing off all that steam should cool you off." Then cheerfully go to the beach, with or without het.

Next winter, when you complain about the cold, maybe she'll make you a cup of tea.
posted by theora55 at 8:15 AM on May 18, 2009


So in short, I'm not looking to change her mind (I will never convince her that spring and summer are nice, so I don't even try), and I definitely know where she's coming from and respect her dislike of the heat - but what I really want to know is how I can cope with an incessant stream of complaining about what is probably my favorite time of the year from what is probably my favorite person in the world.

You can ask her to recommit to altering behavior that's really pretty crappy.

All the above very understanding suggestions are great and you should certainly - as a supportive and sympathetic partner - be doing things to help her be happier, but you describe behavior that goes beyond normal kibbitzing about adversity into something that actively brings you down. Your wife appreciates that - she's made an effort to moderate her complaining - but she's got some long-standing habits that will take more than a few days to break.

Sit down and have the conversation again. Point out that you don't want to nag her but it would mean a lot to you if you could find a way to turn it down from 11 to about a 5. If she's really committed to changing this habit and keeps up with it I suspect you'll find that it won't be hard at all to send her the message that she's backsliding - a look or just "dear..." in a gentle voice will be enough.

Of course, you need to BOTH really be on board here, meaning you need to be properly and legitimately sympathetic to some amount of grousing. Phrases like "Even though it's never as hot here (and I mean NEVER)" and "even if it's only in the mid-60's" is dismissive language and not really sympathetic to her discomfort, so you might want to be careful about whether you're sending an unspoken signal that none of her complaining is justified. It's possible that your incredulity is feeding this grumping to some extent if she feels like, deep down, you're not at all receptive do her discomfort.
posted by phearlez at 8:57 AM on May 18, 2009 [2 favorites]


I'm not entirely convinced that the OP isn't my husband, so I'm not sure if I should offer advice* but I will say this:

If, per the recommendation of pseudostrabismus, you spray her with a water bottle like a fucking cat, except some serious fucking repercussions.

*Okay, I will offer advice: It's not about you, so try not to take it personally. She really is miserable. I get so miserable, especially when it's very hot and humid, that I can't even think about anything other than how miserable I am and how I am going to address that situation. It's like how when you really, really have to poop, and no bathroom is immediately or conveniently accessible, and somebody wants to talk to you about how awesome the nice weather is! You can't talk about the nice weather, because you are operating under a very uncomfortable biological imperative. You can only think about one thing, and while maybe it's not socially acceptable to respond to, "Beautiful day!" with, "Fuck off, I'm trying not to shit my pants," there is not such a social stigma against responding to a similar polite comment with, "Damn heat! Fucking Sun!"

For example, my husband loves hot weather and is totally, miserably miserable when it's cold. And it makes me so sad to see him suffer, and I try really hard not to complain about the heat/sun, because I know that when summer fades, my beloved is going to be very unhappy. I want him to enjoy the warmth of summer unencumbered by my constant bitching. This is what I want and I try so hard to give him the freedom to enjoy the weather, and yet when my core temperature goes up, it's like my brain short circuits. I really do try, though.

And when I fail, I figure the amount of bitching I do about heat probably evens out to the amount of bitching my husband does about the cold (although to be fair, we live in Chicago, so he has a lot more to bitch about).

And as for it not being as hot as it was when she grew up... technically it's hotter in the US south, where we used to live, than it is in Chicago, but heat is much more difficult to deal with in Chicago. In the south, I would wake up in my air conditioned bedroom, walk ten feet to my air conditioned car, drive to my air conditioned job, maybe go out to eat at an air conditioned restaurant, and return to the cool of my air conditioned apartment at the end of the day. In Chicago, I wake up in AC (in this apartment, but not in our last), walk a half mile in heat and humidity that feels like I'm walking in somebody's mouth, get in a train that may or may not be air conditioned, walk four blocks in the mouth-heat, enter my not-very well air conditioned at all workplace (envelopes will seal themselves shut if we aren't careful), etc. etc. I got depressed while living in the south when it was still warm on my late November birthday, but I didn't complain as much.
posted by jennyb at 10:16 AM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


The real question is whether she is a complainer all around. Is she this way about other things? Then the problem is not really the heat.

Heat makes me physically ill - I have trouble taking a shower within a half hour after my husband because the bathroom is so damned hot. I feel faint and nauseous. It's also psychological - I don't feel "freer" wearing less clothes, I feel more exposed and anxious. If you can see her hatred as a symptom of a physical illness rather than some eccentricity or character flaw, that will go a long way towards increasing your compassion for her. Then you can offer her cold drinks etc. as noted above.
posted by desjardins at 10:39 AM on May 18, 2009


Her unhappiness is no excuse for making those around her unhappy -- this is the behavior of a child. Therapy might help.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:01 PM on May 18, 2009


Been through this with all of my exes- I love heat and they all loved cold. Man, just be glad you and your wife aren't arguing over what climate to move to. I feel sorry for you come the retirement years.

I think what you need to do is the verbal equivalent of spraying her with water. You've asked her politely not to ruin your fun, and she forgets about it and starts up with the nasty again in a few days. You are going to have to ask her to stop every single time she starts up. I know you don't want to be a nag, and I wouldn't either, but asking her politely to stop just hasn't worked. You're gonna have to train her like a puppy, in the moment.

Examples:
"God, it's so fucking hot out. I fucking hate summer. Stupid fucking hot days wah wah-"
"Could you please stop with the weather talk? At least do it when I'm out of earshot."

Next day:
"Waah, I'm so hot and anyone who likes summer is a sicko."
"Could you please stop with the weather talk?"

Next day:
"I wish the sun would go away and we'd never ever see it again. I HATE THE SUN!"
"Could you please stop with the weather talk?"

Just do it every time. Eventually it will sink in. Clearly she doesn't remember in between whines that she's been asked not to ruin your fun, so you're just going to have to remind her a lot.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:59 PM on May 18, 2009


Get a spray bottle or water pistol. When your companion is being annoying, use it.
posted by pseudostrabismus


My husband and I are silly as hell and joke around a lot but, if he sprayed me with water because I was annoying he would be a single man in a second.

I am another summer hater. I hate the heat, I hate the humidity. I despise sitting in the hot sun. All of this is because every single time I am in the heat for too long I end up with a horrendous headache. No matter what I do I have a headache.

As for you wife, be patient with her. Try and realize that she is truly uncomfortable and miserable in the heat. Learn to do the outside stuff you like by yourself or with friends.
posted by SuzySmith at 3:24 PM on May 18, 2009


I am just so glad to read all the wonderful posts here from heat-haters. I feel like I have company, friends even, and I want to marry all of you. (Don't tell my husband, though, please.)
posted by Capri at 5:07 PM on May 19, 2009


blah blah blah hate on pseudostrabismus I would effing eviscerate any man who dared to blah blah blah

Oh for pete's sake, does nobody have a sense of humour around here? I'm half-joking, which I think was pretty clear from the tone of my comment. What sincerity I do have is directed towards advising the OP to make a cute joke out of spraying her, in a way she'll like: I did say to "apply it flirtatiously". I get super-hot sometimes and a waterfight or a wee spritz to my overheated, swollen, miserable bare feet can be totally awesome. Or not. But I'm not suggesting he drill her in the eye with a SuperSoaker.

posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:58 PM on May 19, 2009


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