When to make eye contact with people on the street?
May 3, 2009 11:17 PM Subscribe
When do you make eye contact with people you see on the street or on a trail?
I really enjoy making eye contact with and smiling at strangers as I pass them on the street (okay, mostly women, but still). It's even better when they smile back. But I still somehow have a fear of doing this that I would like to get over, and part of it is that I don't think I am timing things right.
I usually don't make eye contact until a split-second before I pass the person. While this occasionally works (in that they will smile back), I often feel that I am being way too timid, and that I am exhibiting a lack of confidence by avoiding them until the last minute, and then suddenly looking at them might just seem weird.
On the other hand, I feel like staring at the person the whole time they are in view would be creepy. There must be a happy medium. How do I find it?
I really enjoy making eye contact with and smiling at strangers as I pass them on the street (okay, mostly women, but still). It's even better when they smile back. But I still somehow have a fear of doing this that I would like to get over, and part of it is that I don't think I am timing things right.
I usually don't make eye contact until a split-second before I pass the person. While this occasionally works (in that they will smile back), I often feel that I am being way too timid, and that I am exhibiting a lack of confidence by avoiding them until the last minute, and then suddenly looking at them might just seem weird.
On the other hand, I feel like staring at the person the whole time they are in view would be creepy. There must be a happy medium. How do I find it?
I hate being in this situation. You obviously see the other person, but it's weird to stare. But it's rude to look away. I never know what to do.
posted by kerri13 at 11:27 PM on May 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by kerri13 at 11:27 PM on May 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
I never thought about this until I started walking around with my kids, at which point I realized it was necessary to show them how to interact with strangers as we passed so they would have more comfort with dealing with the situation.
So I will generally smile at passersby and simply say hello or good morning to them if there aren't a ton of people around when we're walking around town. On hikes, I will expand that to a slightly longer greeting like "hi, how's it going?" which usually elicits a similarly short and friendly response.
It's nice when we see the same person frequently because sometimes it leads to somewhat more personal interactions ("ooh, cute dog!" "I love your jacket!" "hey, new jogging stroller?") but in general, just a friendly greeting is all that's necessary.
posted by padraigin at 11:28 PM on May 3, 2009
So I will generally smile at passersby and simply say hello or good morning to them if there aren't a ton of people around when we're walking around town. On hikes, I will expand that to a slightly longer greeting like "hi, how's it going?" which usually elicits a similarly short and friendly response.
It's nice when we see the same person frequently because sometimes it leads to somewhat more personal interactions ("ooh, cute dog!" "I love your jacket!" "hey, new jogging stroller?") but in general, just a friendly greeting is all that's necessary.
posted by padraigin at 11:28 PM on May 3, 2009
What happens in my place of work is two people will see each other far off (perhaps making eye contact, but it's too far away to acknowledge strangers), then they both look away until they are about to pass each other. They start to make eye contact with just enough time to give some sort of greeting before passing (perhaps 10 ft away).
It's different when one person doesn't see the other, or is too focused in something else.
I've seen people greet each other far more often in the woods ("on a trail") than on the street, though smiles never hurt anyone.
posted by philomathoholic at 11:35 PM on May 3, 2009 [6 favorites]
It's different when one person doesn't see the other, or is too focused in something else.
I've seen people greet each other far more often in the woods ("on a trail") than on the street, though smiles never hurt anyone.
posted by philomathoholic at 11:35 PM on May 3, 2009 [6 favorites]
if it's just you (or your small group) passing one other (or her small group), smile and say, "Hello," or "Good morning," or the like with a nod of your head.
If there are more people/groups around (such that you could legitimately get away with just passing and not saying anything to her specifically), bow your head down just slightly--it's a modern tip of the hat--and make eye contact when she's about 8 or 10 feet in front of you (assuming she's walking the the opposite direction you are).
Also, if you think you're being creepy, you'll come of as either timid or...well...creepy.
if you're going to make eye contact. own it. don't just half-way do it. Make eye contact and smile, then look down or away.
wow that was more analysis than i've ever given to smiling at somebody. good question!
posted by cmchap at 11:40 PM on May 3, 2009
If there are more people/groups around (such that you could legitimately get away with just passing and not saying anything to her specifically), bow your head down just slightly--it's a modern tip of the hat--and make eye contact when she's about 8 or 10 feet in front of you (assuming she's walking the the opposite direction you are).
Also, if you think you're being creepy, you'll come of as either timid or...well...creepy.
if you're going to make eye contact. own it. don't just half-way do it. Make eye contact and smile, then look down or away.
wow that was more analysis than i've ever given to smiling at somebody. good question!
posted by cmchap at 11:40 PM on May 3, 2009
That's something I'd expect to see (and I do as well) in a small town or suburban area. If you're doing it downtown in a big city when people are just trying to get to their next thing, I would find that weird. If you're doing it on a busy sidewalk such that you're greeting people one after the other - quit that.
As far as timing is concerned - imagine that you're going to say hi, they're going to recognize you, and you're going to stop and shake hands. So, like 10-15 feet, depending on how fast you walk? So that each of you has a couple of more steps until you pass.
posted by ctmf at 11:52 PM on May 3, 2009
As far as timing is concerned - imagine that you're going to say hi, they're going to recognize you, and you're going to stop and shake hands. So, like 10-15 feet, depending on how fast you walk? So that each of you has a couple of more steps until you pass.
posted by ctmf at 11:52 PM on May 3, 2009
I assumed you were talking about when you're out jogging, but looking back nothing indicates that. I think a lot of it depends on where you live and what you're doing. When out exercising I find that its generally common for two people to give a nod or greeting just as they're about to pass. In this case, I don't think it matters where you look as you're approaching, or the timing as much, because you'll only have a short window of reasonable time to greet before you've passed on.
In a small town/suburbs/etc... I think I've always found it appropriate to look at the person before the last minute, perhaps because people have their guard down or think of you as a neighbor or something.
In a bigger city I might actually find it slightly weird that a stranger says hi, especially if he was watching me approach, but in most other cases than the above I would say I'd find it normal as philomathoholic said... you wait until the last minute both to look over and greet.
I think the happy medium you're looking for is giving the other person enough time to respond if they want to, yet not so much that if they don't it leaves an awkward silence before you pass.
posted by nzydarkxj at 11:57 PM on May 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
In a small town/suburbs/etc... I think I've always found it appropriate to look at the person before the last minute, perhaps because people have their guard down or think of you as a neighbor or something.
In a bigger city I might actually find it slightly weird that a stranger says hi, especially if he was watching me approach, but in most other cases than the above I would say I'd find it normal as philomathoholic said... you wait until the last minute both to look over and greet.
I think the happy medium you're looking for is giving the other person enough time to respond if they want to, yet not so much that if they don't it leaves an awkward silence before you pass.
posted by nzydarkxj at 11:57 PM on May 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
I gave up worrying about my friendliness coming off as creepiness a long time ago. If the person you're passing is the sort of person who's creeped out by eye contact, well, (a) there's very little you can do to avoid that response, and (b) it's really more their problem than yours.
I generally wait until the last minute myself, though, since extended eye contact with someone you don't know can get awkward. Until such time passes as it's OK to initiate eye contact (someone upthread said 10 seconds, I usually think more like 5), you just go on doing whatever it was you were doing -- looking at stuff on the street, thinking about dinner, listening to music, whatever. Most people are too caught up in their own stuff to worry about whether you're looking at them too soon or not.
posted by hifiparasol at 12:05 AM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
I generally wait until the last minute myself, though, since extended eye contact with someone you don't know can get awkward. Until such time passes as it's OK to initiate eye contact (someone upthread said 10 seconds, I usually think more like 5), you just go on doing whatever it was you were doing -- looking at stuff on the street, thinking about dinner, listening to music, whatever. Most people are too caught up in their own stuff to worry about whether you're looking at them too soon or not.
posted by hifiparasol at 12:05 AM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
If I see you I'll say hi back, but don't feel offended if I "ignore" you... often I'm so far off in my own thoughts that I can walk right by a person I know and not realize it's them.
posted by IndigoRain at 12:30 AM on May 4, 2009
posted by IndigoRain at 12:30 AM on May 4, 2009
As a native New Yorker, I don't find it weird, for what it's worth. And in fact, do this a lot myself. Don't be afraid to continue doing this sort of thing in a big city.
I don't approach it as a structured game or assign any ritual to it. I just look if I feel like it (not staring), and generally smile. Your chances of getting this reaction increase if you are (or have) a small child or pet.
posted by cmgonzalez at 1:00 AM on May 4, 2009
I don't approach it as a structured game or assign any ritual to it. I just look if I feel like it (not staring), and generally smile. Your chances of getting this reaction increase if you are (or have) a small child or pet.
posted by cmgonzalez at 1:00 AM on May 4, 2009
> If the person you're passing is the sort of person who's creeped out by eye contact, well, (a) there's very little you can do to avoid that response, and (b) it's really more their problem than yours.
To add to this: if you're only making eye-contact and smiling, they probably won't notice either way, since they won't be looking at you. Saying "hi" does put another person on the spot, though, and possibly startles them out of their reverie, so I would avoid it unless they are smiling back.
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with being friendly in a big city, it's just a practical thing -- if you're passing a constant stream of people, you can't be greeting every single one. I'd just narrow it down to the cute ones. :P
posted by cj_ at 1:43 AM on May 4, 2009
To add to this: if you're only making eye-contact and smiling, they probably won't notice either way, since they won't be looking at you. Saying "hi" does put another person on the spot, though, and possibly startles them out of their reverie, so I would avoid it unless they are smiling back.
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with being friendly in a big city, it's just a practical thing -- if you're passing a constant stream of people, you can't be greeting every single one. I'd just narrow it down to the cute ones. :P
posted by cj_ at 1:43 AM on May 4, 2009
Generally if I make eye contact with a stranger, I will smile, unless there's some reason not to. I'm a woman, so I guess it's not threatening. People almost always smile back.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:26 AM on May 4, 2009
posted by bluedaisy at 2:26 AM on May 4, 2009
Few answers above seem to deal with the actual timing.. I'd just like to add that I don't find it at all weird to nod and smile even as you're further apart. What rule says you then have to keep staring at each other until you have passed them? Smile, nod, go back to looking at shop windows / the scenery / your cell as applicable. I find that FAR preferable to the awkward "pretending not to see each other until you're close enough" procedure.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 3:11 AM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by ClarissaWAM at 3:11 AM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
I find it differs by region. In the West (Idaho, Utah, Texas) people excpect eye contact and think you are shifty if you don't meet their gaze. In Pennsylvania, not so much. They think you're staring.
posted by RussHy at 3:48 AM on May 4, 2009
posted by RussHy at 3:48 AM on May 4, 2009
I don't say hi to people as I walk in the city, but often people say hi to me. Unfortunately the trend seems to be to say hi as they are passing me which leaves me to flounder and say hi either to their backs or not at all.
So I would vote that if you are going to say hi then do it with enough time that they can say hi back before they pass you.
posted by aetg at 3:51 AM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
So I would vote that if you are going to say hi then do it with enough time that they can say hi back before they pass you.
posted by aetg at 3:51 AM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
I always find it weird when total strangers make any kind of gesture of recognition towards me on the street. This includes smiling, nodding, waving, saying "hi," etc. And most of the time I will actually reflexively respond to the person just out of habit, even though I personally find this kind of contact creepy and unnecessary (as do most of my friends). So don't think that just because you get a smile back the stranger isn't creeped out.
posted by notswedish at 6:48 AM on May 4, 2009
posted by notswedish at 6:48 AM on May 4, 2009
philomathoholic has it. The "normal" behavior is to make eye contact initially while somewhat distant, break eye contact, and then re-establish EC when you get close and say"hi" or whatever.
And don't worry about creeping people out. Yeah, some people aren't going to like it, but that doesn't mean you can't be warm or friendly to them anyway.
posted by PFL at 7:15 AM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
And don't worry about creeping people out. Yeah, some people aren't going to like it, but that doesn't mean you can't be warm or friendly to them anyway.
posted by PFL at 7:15 AM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
I think it is all about context--the smile/hi is "acceptable" or "not creepy" where you are in a situation that encourages human interaction. Very rarely does this happen in a city walking down the street. Sorry. Is simply is not a milieu in which interacting with strangers is the norm. However, you both get off the street and enter a building and are waiting for an elevator--boom, OK to interact. Maybe waiting in a line at Starbucks, but that has more of the feel of a thoroughfare than an private space.
In spite of, or perhaps because of, the inherent vulnerability of being on a trail taking a hike (i.e., no one around but you and the person who is coming in the other direction) it is almost always acceptable, even encouraged, to acknowledge the other person.
This is why, instead of smiling or saying hi to people I pass on the street, I generally just give the finger. That works everywhere.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:47 AM on May 4, 2009
In spite of, or perhaps because of, the inherent vulnerability of being on a trail taking a hike (i.e., no one around but you and the person who is coming in the other direction) it is almost always acceptable, even encouraged, to acknowledge the other person.
This is why, instead of smiling or saying hi to people I pass on the street, I generally just give the finger. That works everywhere.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:47 AM on May 4, 2009
ClarissaWAM has the right idea, so far as I'm concerned. You smile and nod, or say, or whatever, when you notice the person and it feels right. And if they smile back and there's still time, well, no need to keep staring. You'd done the friendly thing, now go back to window gazing or bird watching or sidewalk crack avoiding.
I don't think its creepy to be friendly, so long as you aren't forcing any interaction beyond you smiling at them, and you're projecting genuine friendliness towards the world. Maybe its because I did not grow up in a big city, but the horror some people have towards other people being friendly is just something I don't understand.
posted by sandraregina at 8:45 AM on May 4, 2009
I don't think its creepy to be friendly, so long as you aren't forcing any interaction beyond you smiling at them, and you're projecting genuine friendliness towards the world. Maybe its because I did not grow up in a big city, but the horror some people have towards other people being friendly is just something I don't understand.
posted by sandraregina at 8:45 AM on May 4, 2009
I am confused by all the people who say that it's "creepy" to smile and say hi to people you pass on the street. I find that it makes my day when I am greeted on the street, even or especially by people I don't know. When I initiate, it seems like most people I say hi to grow a genuine smile and start looking at the world a little brighter.
For me, the sequence of events usually goes like this:
50 feet: Notice there's a person up ahead. Look away, ahead, at scenery, etc.
15 feet: Smile and make eye contact.
10 feet: "Hey, how's it goin'?"
5 feet: Other person smiles back, maybe responds
Of course, I don't think about it, that's just what feels natural to me.
posted by Night_owl at 9:16 AM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
For me, the sequence of events usually goes like this:
50 feet: Notice there's a person up ahead. Look away, ahead, at scenery, etc.
15 feet: Smile and make eye contact.
10 feet: "Hey, how's it goin'?"
5 feet: Other person smiles back, maybe responds
Of course, I don't think about it, that's just what feels natural to me.
posted by Night_owl at 9:16 AM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
I use the "Zingerman's Service Guide" rule - 10-4
Ten feet to eye contact - if they return contact and look amiable, 4 feet gets a Hello, smile or nod, depending on context.
Unless I'm staring at my feet listening to my ipod.
posted by bensherman at 10:40 AM on May 4, 2009
Ten feet to eye contact - if they return contact and look amiable, 4 feet gets a Hello, smile or nod, depending on context.
Unless I'm staring at my feet listening to my ipod.
posted by bensherman at 10:40 AM on May 4, 2009
In relation to my earlier response: I'm assuming these situations are not happening on busy lower Manhattan-style streets, where, as cj_mentioned, not saying hi to people is simply a matter of practicality. My home street in LA is relatively sedate, so I say hello when I pass people, but on Hollywood Boulevard I generally keep to myself unless I have some inevitable interaction with someone (someone waiting for a bus steps out of my path as I'm walking, etc.)
I suspect that anyone who finds this creepy is simply misinterpreting awkwardness. While it's never creepy to say hello to someone on the street if your intention is simple neighborliness, it can be awkward if not done at just the right time. Some assign malice to a socially awkward situation, because, I dunno, maybe it just makes life easier for them. I'd reiterate that it's not your problem, and encourage you to keep being friendly.
posted by hifiparasol at 10:44 AM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
I suspect that anyone who finds this creepy is simply misinterpreting awkwardness. While it's never creepy to say hello to someone on the street if your intention is simple neighborliness, it can be awkward if not done at just the right time. Some assign malice to a socially awkward situation, because, I dunno, maybe it just makes life easier for them. I'd reiterate that it's not your problem, and encourage you to keep being friendly.
posted by hifiparasol at 10:44 AM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's creepy if you make the other person feel that they have to respond. That's why I'm fine with "Hello," but not so keen on "How are you?"
Also, obviously there are important regional differences here.
When my parents were living in Stockholm, it fascinated me that in their neighborhood people would greet each other verbally but they wouldn't smile. They'd say "Hej" and nod in a way that would seem downright curt and dismissive to someone from, say, Indiana, which is where I was living at the time. Interestingly, it took about a day of this before it started to seem absolutely normal to me.
posted by tangerine at 11:04 AM on May 4, 2009
Also, obviously there are important regional differences here.
When my parents were living in Stockholm, it fascinated me that in their neighborhood people would greet each other verbally but they wouldn't smile. They'd say "Hej" and nod in a way that would seem downright curt and dismissive to someone from, say, Indiana, which is where I was living at the time. Interestingly, it took about a day of this before it started to seem absolutely normal to me.
posted by tangerine at 11:04 AM on May 4, 2009
I kind of like to experiment with, what they call "social camouflage" and I'm interested in this. (ie this is random speculation) People "award" being-seen + eye contact on the basis of many different factors, beginning with where you go and the people there. E.g. I partly moved to my just large enough to be anonymous city because people smile occasionally and are often comfortable with subtle nonverbal exchanges. I'm fascinated with this topic & observed a bunch of different situations, so here's my "economy of attention in public"...
1) Paranoia: people don't want to look at me if I am wearing a baseball cap or a hoodie; I used to have a hoodie & cap combination that would make my old neighbour from upstairs look away so she didn't recognise me. (Sunglasses as well) These diverse signs seem to trigger stereotypes which make some people look away. E.g. it was my musician friend with a sitar coming home from a party totally wasted and I was going to my day job in my coat and he blanked me! He only saw the uniform and auto blanked me, paranoid. Conversely I might be paranoid of other people and look away because of them looking dodgy... or if they look better than I do, because of their "judgement" (sort of a disapproving glance).
2) Confident: I just look straight ahead no matter where people look. Peripheral vision is still good for seeing them (or ignoring them).
3) Sneaky: I do this sometimes for fun: quick glance, both looking away, then glimpse just before passing the other person.
4) Confident + neutral: I'm actually sizing people up, judging hotness / status
4a) "Stare at geezers so they know you ain't lightweight" (Mike Skinner, "The Streets")
5) Confident + cheerful: relaxed posture and body language, aware (mindful?), subtly more comfortable when passing strangers, seeking eye contact, seeing if people respond (not necessarily smiling, maybe half-smiling)
6) "Free smile" - if I'm in such a good mood I smile at random people and don't care whatever expression they're wearing (except if they look dangerous - it's sort of cheeky)
7) The best kind of smile in passing for me is when I'm happy, the other person is happy, we happen to glance at the same time, and have split-second recognition!
8) Being with babies / dogs / kittens: smiles from random people x100
I don't like the forced smile at all, it feels like I'm subtly "leaning" on the other person, being a vampire on authenticity.
posted by yoHighness at 6:41 PM on May 4, 2009
1) Paranoia: people don't want to look at me if I am wearing a baseball cap or a hoodie; I used to have a hoodie & cap combination that would make my old neighbour from upstairs look away so she didn't recognise me. (Sunglasses as well) These diverse signs seem to trigger stereotypes which make some people look away. E.g. it was my musician friend with a sitar coming home from a party totally wasted and I was going to my day job in my coat and he blanked me! He only saw the uniform and auto blanked me, paranoid. Conversely I might be paranoid of other people and look away because of them looking dodgy... or if they look better than I do, because of their "judgement" (sort of a disapproving glance).
2) Confident: I just look straight ahead no matter where people look. Peripheral vision is still good for seeing them (or ignoring them).
3) Sneaky: I do this sometimes for fun: quick glance, both looking away, then glimpse just before passing the other person.
4) Confident + neutral: I'm actually sizing people up, judging hotness / status
4a) "Stare at geezers so they know you ain't lightweight" (Mike Skinner, "The Streets")
5) Confident + cheerful: relaxed posture and body language, aware (mindful?), subtly more comfortable when passing strangers, seeking eye contact, seeing if people respond (not necessarily smiling, maybe half-smiling)
6) "Free smile" - if I'm in such a good mood I smile at random people and don't care whatever expression they're wearing (except if they look dangerous - it's sort of cheeky)
7) The best kind of smile in passing for me is when I'm happy, the other person is happy, we happen to glance at the same time, and have split-second recognition!
8) Being with babies / dogs / kittens: smiles from random people x100
I don't like the forced smile at all, it feels like I'm subtly "leaning" on the other person, being a vampire on authenticity.
posted by yoHighness at 6:41 PM on May 4, 2009
I let me eye contact go for as long as feels natural - I often make eye contact (or try to - it's not always reciprocated) from the moment I see someone until when they pass. It's difficult to tell if the "glance, look away, glance back" is "he's kinda cute" or just "he thinks I'm cute, let me see if he's still looking at me" - I admit that I'll "glance, look away, look back" for either reason myself, but it does communicate interest in one for or another.
FWIW I'm a New Yorker with a finely tuned sense of what is & is not appropriate for eye contact.
The eyes themselves are just a small part of it - body language, appearance, clothing, etc. have as much to do with the creep factor as the eye contact.
And if she refuses to make eye contact, I assume it's just social training that forces her to be cold & distant - it's not easy to be an attractive woman in the big city.
I also like to make eye contact with women I find attractive that aren't traditionally attractive. The one that are obviously attractive, I don't pay as much attention to (why bother when everyone else does?). The girls I find attractive that are less than cover-girl material, I find return eye contact more & do so in a more playful, intriguing way.
posted by MesoFilter at 11:21 PM on May 4, 2009
FWIW I'm a New Yorker with a finely tuned sense of what is & is not appropriate for eye contact.
The eyes themselves are just a small part of it - body language, appearance, clothing, etc. have as much to do with the creep factor as the eye contact.
And if she refuses to make eye contact, I assume it's just social training that forces her to be cold & distant - it's not easy to be an attractive woman in the big city.
I also like to make eye contact with women I find attractive that aren't traditionally attractive. The one that are obviously attractive, I don't pay as much attention to (why bother when everyone else does?). The girls I find attractive that are less than cover-girl material, I find return eye contact more & do so in a more playful, intriguing way.
posted by MesoFilter at 11:21 PM on May 4, 2009
I usually appreciate it when I get a random smile from a stranger, but I've found that by the time I receive it, I'm caught off-guard and it takes a second for it to register and make me smile back, so I end up wondering if the other person even saw my reciprocation. So it's possible that that could happen to you as well.
But if you smile too far apart from the other person, I suppose they may think they're supposed to know you from somewhere, and maybe even anticipate a conversation that won't happen, and that could get awkward. I suppose the right balance is right when you're in normal conversation range, even if you're just flashing a grin.
There's a lot of great answers here, and it's a great question. I have to add that I was compelled to ask two questions in the past few months that are sort of similar, one about the effect of smiles on others (which may be visible below as a related question) and another about what's the right way to make eye contact with people you're about to pass by.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 12:28 AM on May 5, 2009
But if you smile too far apart from the other person, I suppose they may think they're supposed to know you from somewhere, and maybe even anticipate a conversation that won't happen, and that could get awkward. I suppose the right balance is right when you're in normal conversation range, even if you're just flashing a grin.
There's a lot of great answers here, and it's a great question. I have to add that I was compelled to ask two questions in the past few months that are sort of similar, one about the effect of smiles on others (which may be visible below as a related question) and another about what's the right way to make eye contact with people you're about to pass by.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 12:28 AM on May 5, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by freddymetz at 11:24 PM on May 3, 2009