Oh Dear.
March 31, 2009 7:47 AM Subscribe
My life is kinda fucked up and I'm at a complete loss at the steps I need to take in order to not be so fucked up.
I am 25. I weigh nearly 300 pounds. I went to a very exclusive high school. Flunked out of one of the best small liberal arts colleges in the US. Went to a "college"(more like a high school in the UK) in the UK. Attended, for three years, one of the UK's best schools and flunked out. Attended a community college in San Francisco. Transferred to a UC. I failed to attend the last half of my classes and exams at said UC last quarter.
I drink very heavily. My doctor prescribed .5 mg of alprazolam for anxiety 3 times a day. I don't know what to do at my school in order to stay a student.
I want to quit drinking. I spend all of my time online. I am afraid that I have alienated myself from all of my friends except for drinking buddies. I don't know anyone in my UC town.
I am a genius, according to most non-specialized standardized tests. I am very good at math, coding and I love literature. I feel that if I can quit drinking I can do well in my classes. I may still be a student here for another quarter and can provide documentation about my mental problems if it comes to it.
I love and trust metafilter. What should I do with my life? I am scared.
Feel free to contact me kali.scot@gmail.com.
I am 25. I weigh nearly 300 pounds. I went to a very exclusive high school. Flunked out of one of the best small liberal arts colleges in the US. Went to a "college"(more like a high school in the UK) in the UK. Attended, for three years, one of the UK's best schools and flunked out. Attended a community college in San Francisco. Transferred to a UC. I failed to attend the last half of my classes and exams at said UC last quarter.
I drink very heavily. My doctor prescribed .5 mg of alprazolam for anxiety 3 times a day. I don't know what to do at my school in order to stay a student.
I want to quit drinking. I spend all of my time online. I am afraid that I have alienated myself from all of my friends except for drinking buddies. I don't know anyone in my UC town.
I am a genius, according to most non-specialized standardized tests. I am very good at math, coding and I love literature. I feel that if I can quit drinking I can do well in my classes. I may still be a student here for another quarter and can provide documentation about my mental problems if it comes to it.
I love and trust metafilter. What should I do with my life? I am scared.
Feel free to contact me kali.scot@gmail.com.
Seconding therapy.
posted by cooker girl at 8:01 AM on March 31, 2009
posted by cooker girl at 8:01 AM on March 31, 2009
Schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist, tell him what's going on. He will probably put you on antidepressants because you really, really sound depressed.
posted by mckenney at 8:03 AM on March 31, 2009
posted by mckenney at 8:03 AM on March 31, 2009
Like they say in one of my favorite movies*, "Baby steps, Bob."
I don't think that the question should be "What should I do with my life?" but "What do I want to do in my life?"
Important difference there.
You've got a lot of things working against you and a lot working for you, but right now you're probably overwhelmed and scared and just don't know where to start.
You start where you are.
Do you want to quit drinking?
Do you want to spend more time offline with friends and acquaintances?
Do you want to discover what you true passion is in life and become qualified to do that?
Each of these is a baby step.
Trying to tackle them all, at once, would only aggravate them.
But taking one of them at a time, a day at a time, would probably do wonders for your life, your health and your self esteem.
Oh, and get thee to a therapist, if you can avail yourself of one.
But not Dr. Leo Marvin** :)
Good luck,
- Bill
*"What About Bob?" It's wonderful. Highly recommend it as one of Bill Murray's best movies.
**The therapist in "What About Bob?"
posted by willmize at 8:06 AM on March 31, 2009 [2 favorites]
I don't think that the question should be "What should I do with my life?" but "What do I want to do in my life?"
Important difference there.
You've got a lot of things working against you and a lot working for you, but right now you're probably overwhelmed and scared and just don't know where to start.
You start where you are.
Do you want to quit drinking?
Do you want to spend more time offline with friends and acquaintances?
Do you want to discover what you true passion is in life and become qualified to do that?
Each of these is a baby step.
Trying to tackle them all, at once, would only aggravate them.
But taking one of them at a time, a day at a time, would probably do wonders for your life, your health and your self esteem.
Oh, and get thee to a therapist, if you can avail yourself of one.
But not Dr. Leo Marvin** :)
Good luck,
- Bill
*"What About Bob?" It's wonderful. Highly recommend it as one of Bill Murray's best movies.
**The therapist in "What About Bob?"
posted by willmize at 8:06 AM on March 31, 2009 [2 favorites]
have you tried to stop drinking on your own, or limiting your consumption? How has that worked out for you? If you haven't give it a shot see if you can. If you can't you may have a problem with the sauce. You may want to seek out professional help, find a counselor or therapist who has experience working with addictions. This would be a good place to start. I have some experience with this personally. Feel free to email me at the email is listed on my profile page if you want to discuss further. I don't check metafilter regularly...
posted by jeffe at 8:20 AM on March 31, 2009
posted by jeffe at 8:20 AM on March 31, 2009
Cognitive behavioral therapy. I found one at my school and it was free. You need to do it ASAP because you'll need to use them to deal with the repercussions of failing things mentally and administratively.
Work therapy is also an option. I worked on a commune for some time and the manual labor, sunlight, and eating healthy meals with other people made a huge difference in my ability to do other things. Now that I'm back in school it's pretty easy for me to fall into my old habits, so I try to volunteer or go to some sort of meeting at least once a week and regularly exercise outside.
posted by melissam at 8:23 AM on March 31, 2009
Work therapy is also an option. I worked on a commune for some time and the manual labor, sunlight, and eating healthy meals with other people made a huge difference in my ability to do other things. Now that I'm back in school it's pretty easy for me to fall into my old habits, so I try to volunteer or go to some sort of meeting at least once a week and regularly exercise outside.
posted by melissam at 8:23 AM on March 31, 2009
You list a lot of symptoms, but never mention causes.
Have you thought at all about causes?
posted by ook at 8:29 AM on March 31, 2009 [2 favorites]
Have you thought at all about causes?
posted by ook at 8:29 AM on March 31, 2009 [2 favorites]
Causes are the sort of things that psychologists can help sort out. Whatever your reasons, it's time. Find a counselor. Stop drinking. Enroll in the 12-step program if you must. Make the choice to get your life back in order. No one is going to do it for you. Good luck :)
posted by chrisinseoul at 8:47 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by chrisinseoul at 8:47 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
Here are the steps:
1) Take at least a semester off. It's one thing to try, try again, but at some point -- and it sounds like you're at that point -- you have to cut your losses, take a step back, and try a new approach that doesn't involve school.
2) Get a job. This doesn't have to be a job that uses all of your skills, just a job that you're vaguely interested in, allows you to make some bucks, get some health insurance if you're lucky, and get a feeling of accomplishment, even if it's being the best damn sandwich maker in Sacramento. Plus, you'll meet new people.
3) Quit drinking. If you don't stop drinking, you may not be able to keep your job. If you can't stop on your own, be honest to yourself and go to an AA meeting. You'll meet new people there, too.
4) Save a little money and get self-sufficient. Money can't buy you happiness, but it sure can help you keep a roof over your head, food on the table, move to where you want to live, or get into another school down the line.
5) Get healthy. It's hard to eat healthy when you're stressed about classes/parents/money/homes/cars/work etc. But possibly, once you get to this point, you'll be able to devote some time to it, cut back to non-crappy food, spend some time walking or on a bike.
If you can get through these 5 steps, I'll bet you that you won't need the Xanax anymore.
Optional:
6) Find a partner. A good partner sure can lower stress. But try to get yourself un-fucked up first.
7) Find a better job doing something you love based on experience you've built up in step 2 above. If you're a good coder, you don't need a degree to succeed, just examples of your prior work and a proven track record with other organizations.
8) Go back to school. Only if you run out of other things to do. I mean, there's life to be lived first, in my opinion. You don't have to if you don't want to. But if you've gotten this far, you should be able to slog through if you really want that degree. People don't seem to have a problem with computer geniuses who drop out of school (Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, etc.) -- but only if they work hard to make something of themselves after they drop out.
To the people who keep saying "see a therapist" -- anon has a prescription for Xanax. He's seen a doctor, and has a psychiatric medication. I mean, it's fine to recommend a certain type of therapy you might find helpful, but just telling him to generically see a therapist really isn't helpful here since he's already in the medical system.
posted by I EAT TAPAS at 8:48 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
1) Take at least a semester off. It's one thing to try, try again, but at some point -- and it sounds like you're at that point -- you have to cut your losses, take a step back, and try a new approach that doesn't involve school.
2) Get a job. This doesn't have to be a job that uses all of your skills, just a job that you're vaguely interested in, allows you to make some bucks, get some health insurance if you're lucky, and get a feeling of accomplishment, even if it's being the best damn sandwich maker in Sacramento. Plus, you'll meet new people.
3) Quit drinking. If you don't stop drinking, you may not be able to keep your job. If you can't stop on your own, be honest to yourself and go to an AA meeting. You'll meet new people there, too.
4) Save a little money and get self-sufficient. Money can't buy you happiness, but it sure can help you keep a roof over your head, food on the table, move to where you want to live, or get into another school down the line.
5) Get healthy. It's hard to eat healthy when you're stressed about classes/parents/money/homes/cars/work etc. But possibly, once you get to this point, you'll be able to devote some time to it, cut back to non-crappy food, spend some time walking or on a bike.
If you can get through these 5 steps, I'll bet you that you won't need the Xanax anymore.
Optional:
6) Find a partner. A good partner sure can lower stress. But try to get yourself un-fucked up first.
7) Find a better job doing something you love based on experience you've built up in step 2 above. If you're a good coder, you don't need a degree to succeed, just examples of your prior work and a proven track record with other organizations.
8) Go back to school. Only if you run out of other things to do. I mean, there's life to be lived first, in my opinion. You don't have to if you don't want to. But if you've gotten this far, you should be able to slog through if you really want that degree. People don't seem to have a problem with computer geniuses who drop out of school (Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, etc.) -- but only if they work hard to make something of themselves after they drop out.
To the people who keep saying "see a therapist" -- anon has a prescription for Xanax. He's seen a doctor, and has a psychiatric medication. I mean, it's fine to recommend a certain type of therapy you might find helpful, but just telling him to generically see a therapist really isn't helpful here since he's already in the medical system.
posted by I EAT TAPAS at 8:48 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
Nthing ook's point. Have you ever taken inventory about the dynamics and relationships of yourself and your family? do you know why you drink? Getting clear helps finding the best possible way to move forward.
The first step though would be connecting with AA. That could be a very helpful thing for you right now when you clearly need support and direction.
posted by watercarrier at 8:54 AM on March 31, 2009
The first step though would be connecting with AA. That could be a very helpful thing for you right now when you clearly need support and direction.
posted by watercarrier at 8:54 AM on March 31, 2009
I EAT TAPAS writes: anon has a prescription for Xanax. He's seen a doctor
In the US, most people on prescription medication for anxiety and depression got those prescriptions from a general-practice physician, not from a psychiatrist. Sad but true. The fact that he has Xanax doesn't mean he's seen anyone with any psychiatric qualifications.
While we're on the topic of the meds, you shouldn't be drinking and taking Xanax at the same time. (You may know this and not care, but not everyone knows this, so forgive me if I'm stating something that seems obvious to you.)
Stop hating yourself so much! Do whatever it takes to stop hating yourself--talk therapy, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, yoga, training for triathlons (the book Slow Fat Triathlete is a great primer on how to get off the couch and start doing hard physical work for your own joy and personal growth), getting a puppy, whatever.
And, yeah, stop drinking. If you went to fancy universities and a sixth-form college and what-not, my guess is that your parents have some money. Have them bankroll a residential recovery program for you. Hazelden, in Minnesota, or The Meadows, in Arizona, are the two best. I would lean toward The Meadows for you because the program has a big focus on getting clients to stop fucking hating themselves so much.
Even if you're not speaking to your parents, they should pay for your recovery program. My guess is that they are a large part of the problem. You're only 25, after all, and it sounds like you've been mired in self-loathing for many years, what with the flunking out and all. That almost never comes out of nowhere--it's usually the result of some serious mistakes in parenting, even by well-meaning parents.
What you're talking about sounds a lot more like a software issue than a hardware issue. You're underachieving because you feel worthless. You're abusing your body because you hate yourself. You are afraid to act on your intellectual potential because you feel like you don't deserve success.
That's buggy code right there. You need to work with someone who can help you debug the programming your parents (and perhaps your school, your grandparents, your babysitter, your siblings, your friends--who knows?) screwed up.
Can you start by reading Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody? It's not the most deeply intellectual book ever, but I think you will find some mirrors of your own situation and mindset in it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:14 AM on March 31, 2009 [3 favorites]
In the US, most people on prescription medication for anxiety and depression got those prescriptions from a general-practice physician, not from a psychiatrist. Sad but true. The fact that he has Xanax doesn't mean he's seen anyone with any psychiatric qualifications.
While we're on the topic of the meds, you shouldn't be drinking and taking Xanax at the same time. (You may know this and not care, but not everyone knows this, so forgive me if I'm stating something that seems obvious to you.)
Stop hating yourself so much! Do whatever it takes to stop hating yourself--talk therapy, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, yoga, training for triathlons (the book Slow Fat Triathlete is a great primer on how to get off the couch and start doing hard physical work for your own joy and personal growth), getting a puppy, whatever.
And, yeah, stop drinking. If you went to fancy universities and a sixth-form college and what-not, my guess is that your parents have some money. Have them bankroll a residential recovery program for you. Hazelden, in Minnesota, or The Meadows, in Arizona, are the two best. I would lean toward The Meadows for you because the program has a big focus on getting clients to stop fucking hating themselves so much.
Even if you're not speaking to your parents, they should pay for your recovery program. My guess is that they are a large part of the problem. You're only 25, after all, and it sounds like you've been mired in self-loathing for many years, what with the flunking out and all. That almost never comes out of nowhere--it's usually the result of some serious mistakes in parenting, even by well-meaning parents.
What you're talking about sounds a lot more like a software issue than a hardware issue. You're underachieving because you feel worthless. You're abusing your body because you hate yourself. You are afraid to act on your intellectual potential because you feel like you don't deserve success.
That's buggy code right there. You need to work with someone who can help you debug the programming your parents (and perhaps your school, your grandparents, your babysitter, your siblings, your friends--who knows?) screwed up.
Can you start by reading Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody? It's not the most deeply intellectual book ever, but I think you will find some mirrors of your own situation and mindset in it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:14 AM on March 31, 2009 [3 favorites]
Just because he/she has a scrip for Xanax doesn't mean he/she is seeing a therapist or psych. My mom gets all kinds of depression and anxiety meds through her primary care doctor and has never seen a therapist in her life. She definitely needs to, but she never will.
Definitely see a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/whatever to get diagnosed and get on some kind of therapy and possible regular meds. This is also important because they can write you a note that you can use as documentation of your condition with your school. I don't know about your specific school, but most colleges have an office that handles accommodations for students with mental health disorders, learning disabilities, etc.
posted by fructose at 9:18 AM on March 31, 2009
Definitely see a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/whatever to get diagnosed and get on some kind of therapy and possible regular meds. This is also important because they can write you a note that you can use as documentation of your condition with your school. I don't know about your specific school, but most colleges have an office that handles accommodations for students with mental health disorders, learning disabilities, etc.
posted by fructose at 9:18 AM on March 31, 2009
Therapist? Meds? Nah. Not to get all Tom Cruise on your ass, but that won't solve the problems you've got. You need a purpose.
What you need, my friend, is an inspirational book. The kind of book that will make you shed your past life, find a purpose and pursue it relentlessly, until the subject of that book becomes your addiction. Kind of like the orchids guy in Adaptation.
I am sure more knowledgable MeFi users will add to this. But why not start with Richard Askwith's Feet in the clouds: a tale of fell-running and obsession.
posted by xpermanentx at 9:34 AM on March 31, 2009
What you need, my friend, is an inspirational book. The kind of book that will make you shed your past life, find a purpose and pursue it relentlessly, until the subject of that book becomes your addiction. Kind of like the orchids guy in Adaptation.
I am sure more knowledgable MeFi users will add to this. But why not start with Richard Askwith's Feet in the clouds: a tale of fell-running and obsession.
posted by xpermanentx at 9:34 AM on March 31, 2009
If you have the family/financial support it sounds like you have I think you should forget about school for the nonce, enter an inpatient alcohol treatment facility, and then proceed to focus on long-term therapy for mental health. When you you are truly on board with your sobriety and feel more mentally stable proceed to the sort out life direction question.
posted by nanojath at 9:42 AM on March 31, 2009
posted by nanojath at 9:42 AM on March 31, 2009
If you can afford it, it might be a good idea to go live in some sort of rehab centre or retreat for a few months. I'm thinking of some place where there is no internet or alcohol or unhealthy food available and you can (and, really, have to) just focus on talking to therapists and other people in your situation, get some rigorous physical exercise, and get yourself into a better mental state before you try coping with school or a job again.
posted by orange swan at 9:45 AM on March 31, 2009
posted by orange swan at 9:45 AM on March 31, 2009
>What you're talking about sounds a lot more like a software issue than a hardware issue. You're underachieving because you feel worthless. You're abusing your body because you hate yourself. You are afraid to act on your intellectual potential because you feel like you don't deserve success.
That's buggy code right there. You need to work with someone who can help you debug the programming your parents (and perhaps your school, your grandparents, your babysitter, your siblings, your friends--who knows?) screwed up.
Yeah, exactly.
You've already got a prescription; good. But you certainly want a different and better life, and that prescription alone isn't getting you there.
Note how extreme the symptoms you're describing are-- your life seems to be embodying a Grand Refusal. Baby steps and changes in outward behavior aren't the issue here; your symptoms probably have to do with categories and labels in your head, categories and labels established when you were too young to critically evaluate them... and which have been so thoroughly integrated into your world-view that you no longer consciously perceive them.
It's not that you're blithely making unhelpful choices; it's that genuinely helpful choices, in a given moment, probably aren't that apparent or plausible to you-- or come freighted with painful associations that make them hard to choose.
My suggestion: Go see a Master Practitioner or Trainer-level NLP therapist, and let yourself spend several sessions discovering and re-coding the hidden categories in your head.
Best of luck.
posted by darth_tedious at 10:03 AM on March 31, 2009
That's buggy code right there. You need to work with someone who can help you debug the programming your parents (and perhaps your school, your grandparents, your babysitter, your siblings, your friends--who knows?) screwed up.
Yeah, exactly.
You've already got a prescription; good. But you certainly want a different and better life, and that prescription alone isn't getting you there.
Note how extreme the symptoms you're describing are-- your life seems to be embodying a Grand Refusal. Baby steps and changes in outward behavior aren't the issue here; your symptoms probably have to do with categories and labels in your head, categories and labels established when you were too young to critically evaluate them... and which have been so thoroughly integrated into your world-view that you no longer consciously perceive them.
It's not that you're blithely making unhelpful choices; it's that genuinely helpful choices, in a given moment, probably aren't that apparent or plausible to you-- or come freighted with painful associations that make them hard to choose.
My suggestion: Go see a Master Practitioner or Trainer-level NLP therapist, and let yourself spend several sessions discovering and re-coding the hidden categories in your head.
Best of luck.
posted by darth_tedious at 10:03 AM on March 31, 2009
You mention you're a genius. I think it might be good to forget about this for a while. I have a number of highly intelligent friends who will always include how intelligent they are in discussions of their unhappiness. I have other friends (also highly intelligent) who are members of churches or bird-watchers or volunteers or who have found any number of ways to keep themselves content and occupied.
Happiness begins as a decision. It's harder for some people than for others due to brain chemistry and circumstances. I agree with previous posters about seeking professional help to work with you through this difficult time. But I think it would also be good for you to stop focusing on the reasons you ought to be happy (intelligence, educational opportunity, medication) and start focusing on the things you can do to get there.
You're a great person who has a lot to offer the world. It's okay to be scared sometimes, and you've done the right thing by asking for help.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 10:05 AM on March 31, 2009 [3 favorites]
Happiness begins as a decision. It's harder for some people than for others due to brain chemistry and circumstances. I agree with previous posters about seeking professional help to work with you through this difficult time. But I think it would also be good for you to stop focusing on the reasons you ought to be happy (intelligence, educational opportunity, medication) and start focusing on the things you can do to get there.
You're a great person who has a lot to offer the world. It's okay to be scared sometimes, and you've done the right thing by asking for help.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 10:05 AM on March 31, 2009 [3 favorites]
I'm not a medical professional, but I can give you an outline of some of the steps I took when I was hitting rock bottom:
1) Reach out to family and friends. You may have lost touch, but that doesn't mean that they don't care.
2) Find a therapist and/or support group. This is really, really important. You need to be able to speak to someone who understands where you are coming from.
3) Eat well & exercise. You would be amazed at how much this truly does make a difference. It doesn't have to be an overnight change; baby steps are the best and most effective.
4) Write down some goals and areas in your life that needs fixing. Once you get that list written out, start busying yourself with making the changes. When you feel like doing something negative (drinking, wasting time online) look at the list and do something positive instead.
5) Realize that you are not alone. Many of us have been down the same road. You can survive this, but it starts with you. You have to want to change and make a difference in your life.
Good luck!
posted by scarello at 10:10 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
1) Reach out to family and friends. You may have lost touch, but that doesn't mean that they don't care.
2) Find a therapist and/or support group. This is really, really important. You need to be able to speak to someone who understands where you are coming from.
3) Eat well & exercise. You would be amazed at how much this truly does make a difference. It doesn't have to be an overnight change; baby steps are the best and most effective.
4) Write down some goals and areas in your life that needs fixing. Once you get that list written out, start busying yourself with making the changes. When you feel like doing something negative (drinking, wasting time online) look at the list and do something positive instead.
5) Realize that you are not alone. Many of us have been down the same road. You can survive this, but it starts with you. You have to want to change and make a difference in your life.
Good luck!
posted by scarello at 10:10 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
You really, really need to let go of the, "I'm a genius" part of this right now. You can sort that out later. It seems like it might be at the root, or part of the root, of what's going on.
posted by availablelight at 10:27 AM on March 31, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by availablelight at 10:27 AM on March 31, 2009 [2 favorites]
I am 25. I weigh nearly 300 pounds. I am a genius, according to most non-specialized standardized tests. I am very good at math, coding and I love literature.
You sound like one of my best friends who, in his youth, was a big fat depressed mess. It was really fucking ugly and horrible and sometimes it was hard to be his friend and see how much he hated himself.
Now, seven years later, he is in amazing shape, finished his PhD last year, and is on his way to Quantico to begin his training as an FBI special agent.
He did this by deciding to change the things that made him unhappy. I don't want to give you some speech about bootstraps, but the truth is that the only person who can help you is you. Start walking everywhere, join a gym, eat healthy food in reasonable portions, cut back on the drinking, and go out and meet some people with whom you have a common interest other than drinking. Losing weight will help a lot with that last one, incidentally. There should be no shame in being fat but it makes most people totally fucking miserable. This is The Way It Is.
Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:31 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
You sound like one of my best friends who, in his youth, was a big fat depressed mess. It was really fucking ugly and horrible and sometimes it was hard to be his friend and see how much he hated himself.
Now, seven years later, he is in amazing shape, finished his PhD last year, and is on his way to Quantico to begin his training as an FBI special agent.
He did this by deciding to change the things that made him unhappy. I don't want to give you some speech about bootstraps, but the truth is that the only person who can help you is you. Start walking everywhere, join a gym, eat healthy food in reasonable portions, cut back on the drinking, and go out and meet some people with whom you have a common interest other than drinking. Losing weight will help a lot with that last one, incidentally. There should be no shame in being fat but it makes most people totally fucking miserable. This is The Way It Is.
Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:31 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
Count composing this post as Step One. You've already begun!
posted by thinkpiece at 10:44 AM on March 31, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by thinkpiece at 10:44 AM on March 31, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'm going to second what BusyBusyBusy says. Smart people are people too, even though they forget that sometimes.
It sounds like you've got a lot of work to do. The thing is not going to get better on it's own, but you have to realize that the problem is in the way you think and not your behaviour. I'm sure you know this, but you cleverly avoided discussing any of the reasons here. The answer to "how do I stop drinking?" is "don't take another drink". I think the question you need to ask yourself is "why do I want to take a drink? what am I trying to avoid?". I'm sure you're probably thinking about this already, but the fact that you haven't mentioned what the problem is seems like a clear indicator to me that you are afraid to show people what's going on on the inside. More than likely you feel there is something fundamentally wrong with you (else why would you be fucking up life, right?). You don't, or at least not any more than many other people. You're going to have to trust me on this. You're not perfect. But you're not unredeemable either.
To bring this full circle, and this is what I latched onto - being smart brings with it many curses. One of them is this: as you're growing up, in school, you learn that you can do things maybe not perfectly, but pretty damn close. That's what 100% means. Well, nobody gets perfect at life, or even close. Failure is part of being human.
As far as practical advice goes:
You're already on meds. You may need antidepressants as well. Get checked out for obvious physical causes of mental problems like thyroid, low testosterone, etc.
Get outside. Go for a walk, throw a frisbee. Moderate your internet usage. Real life has a much better video resolution anyway ;)
Read. There are plenty of books about recovering from any psychological problem. Some of them are pretty basic, but you need basic. You sound anxious and depressed, but IANAMentalHealthProfessional.
Therapy would be good. Talking to somebody, opening up to somebody, is 100% a must. MUST. If you don't have any close friends who will be supportive, it will have to be a professional (better in a lot of ways anyway).
But the first thing to start with is : write your thoughts down. Somehow this is a great detoxifier, even if you're writing about how messed up you feel. You've made a great step here by posting on MeFi... keep going.
Good luck!
posted by '' at 10:57 AM on March 31, 2009
It sounds like you've got a lot of work to do. The thing is not going to get better on it's own, but you have to realize that the problem is in the way you think and not your behaviour. I'm sure you know this, but you cleverly avoided discussing any of the reasons here. The answer to "how do I stop drinking?" is "don't take another drink". I think the question you need to ask yourself is "why do I want to take a drink? what am I trying to avoid?". I'm sure you're probably thinking about this already, but the fact that you haven't mentioned what the problem is seems like a clear indicator to me that you are afraid to show people what's going on on the inside. More than likely you feel there is something fundamentally wrong with you (else why would you be fucking up life, right?). You don't, or at least not any more than many other people. You're going to have to trust me on this. You're not perfect. But you're not unredeemable either.
To bring this full circle, and this is what I latched onto - being smart brings with it many curses. One of them is this: as you're growing up, in school, you learn that you can do things maybe not perfectly, but pretty damn close. That's what 100% means. Well, nobody gets perfect at life, or even close. Failure is part of being human.
As far as practical advice goes:
You're already on meds. You may need antidepressants as well. Get checked out for obvious physical causes of mental problems like thyroid, low testosterone, etc.
Get outside. Go for a walk, throw a frisbee. Moderate your internet usage. Real life has a much better video resolution anyway ;)
Read. There are plenty of books about recovering from any psychological problem. Some of them are pretty basic, but you need basic. You sound anxious and depressed, but IANAMentalHealthProfessional.
Therapy would be good. Talking to somebody, opening up to somebody, is 100% a must. MUST. If you don't have any close friends who will be supportive, it will have to be a professional (better in a lot of ways anyway).
But the first thing to start with is : write your thoughts down. Somehow this is a great detoxifier, even if you're writing about how messed up you feel. You've made a great step here by posting on MeFi... keep going.
Good luck!
posted by '' at 10:57 AM on March 31, 2009
nthing therapy. Failing that, a support group. You need to get rid of the chemical dependence and get your head re-focused before you worry about anything else.
You mentioned math, coding and literature. Try looking for groups online and off that study these subjects. It'll give you an opportunity to find some like-minded people. Some social interaction will do wonders.
posted by JuiceBoxHero at 11:31 AM on March 31, 2009
You mentioned math, coding and literature. Try looking for groups online and off that study these subjects. It'll give you an opportunity to find some like-minded people. Some social interaction will do wonders.
posted by JuiceBoxHero at 11:31 AM on March 31, 2009
"Forget" that you're a genius for a while.
Sounds silly, works wonders. I used that as a crutch for maaaany years myself. It was self-permission for not doing things or working on things: I'm a genius, I can do anything I set my mind to, if it was really that important I would, so it must not actually be that important. So I did a lot of nothing.
Eventually, right about your age even, I decided that I didn't want to lean on that crutch anymore. New group of friends, new job, new activities that were uncomfortable, never mentioned the genius thing so I would just be assumed to be "normal." Eventually everyone figured out I was smart anyway, of course... picked things up too quickly to not be. I still ended up with an entire city of folks who treat me much more normal than any of the old folks who know I'm a genius -- being around folks I actually have to walk instead of talk with makes all the difference in the world.
My grandfather used to tell everyone he was scared of his genius grandson, and I never quite got it until I did this and saw how differently people treat those they think are geniuses. They don't want to talk to them and look stupid; they don't want to play with them and feel slow; they don't want to compete with them and get creamed. You spend your entire life with everyone tiptoeing around you, scared to question anything you do, no matter how destructive it is. We all need that external check sometimes, and maybe you're lacking it more than most like I was.
Give yourself permission to not be a genius for a while, see what happens. It's not a cure-all, and there's other great things to try in here... but it sure can't hurt.
posted by Pufferish at 11:38 AM on March 31, 2009 [6 favorites]
Sounds silly, works wonders. I used that as a crutch for maaaany years myself. It was self-permission for not doing things or working on things: I'm a genius, I can do anything I set my mind to, if it was really that important I would, so it must not actually be that important. So I did a lot of nothing.
Eventually, right about your age even, I decided that I didn't want to lean on that crutch anymore. New group of friends, new job, new activities that were uncomfortable, never mentioned the genius thing so I would just be assumed to be "normal." Eventually everyone figured out I was smart anyway, of course... picked things up too quickly to not be. I still ended up with an entire city of folks who treat me much more normal than any of the old folks who know I'm a genius -- being around folks I actually have to walk instead of talk with makes all the difference in the world.
My grandfather used to tell everyone he was scared of his genius grandson, and I never quite got it until I did this and saw how differently people treat those they think are geniuses. They don't want to talk to them and look stupid; they don't want to play with them and feel slow; they don't want to compete with them and get creamed. You spend your entire life with everyone tiptoeing around you, scared to question anything you do, no matter how destructive it is. We all need that external check sometimes, and maybe you're lacking it more than most like I was.
Give yourself permission to not be a genius for a while, see what happens. It's not a cure-all, and there's other great things to try in here... but it sure can't hurt.
posted by Pufferish at 11:38 AM on March 31, 2009 [6 favorites]
Pufferfish has some great advice for you here.
Despite what you were told in elementary school, success isn't predicated on your IQ. It's much more dependent on your motivation to succeed. And guess what? There are surely successful people all around you who aren't geniuses. These are people who know that it's necessary to take risks--to risk looking foolish sometimes, even--to do something with their lives.
You need to talk to a counselor, preferably a university counselor (because they can help you get started on taking a leave of absence from your college to straighten out your substance abuse issues). It's good that you want to stop drinking. But know that your success, even after you stop drinking, isn't guaranteed just because you are smart. You're going to have to work hard at it. But please, work hard for yourself. You deserve it! You only get one shot at life.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:51 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
Despite what you were told in elementary school, success isn't predicated on your IQ. It's much more dependent on your motivation to succeed. And guess what? There are surely successful people all around you who aren't geniuses. These are people who know that it's necessary to take risks--to risk looking foolish sometimes, even--to do something with their lives.
You need to talk to a counselor, preferably a university counselor (because they can help you get started on taking a leave of absence from your college to straighten out your substance abuse issues). It's good that you want to stop drinking. But know that your success, even after you stop drinking, isn't guaranteed just because you are smart. You're going to have to work hard at it. But please, work hard for yourself. You deserve it! You only get one shot at life.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:51 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
Were you abused as a child? Is part of your childhood memories blocked from you?
I agree: you should see a therapist. They will help you understand your self-destructive tendencies. Either something happened in your past that has led to this or you have a bona fide neurotransmitter imbalance in your brain (or both). A doctor can address both of these problems.
Also, I would work on losing weight first. Give yourself a goal that can truly be accomplished (which it can be with the right tools and commitment) and something that will build your self-confidence, allowing you to tackle all the rest of your problems.
Life is hard. Keep hanging in there. In 12 months from now you will have no idea how it will be. It could be better or worse, but you can't predict it. I find that comforting.
posted by sickinthehead at 11:54 AM on March 31, 2009
I agree: you should see a therapist. They will help you understand your self-destructive tendencies. Either something happened in your past that has led to this or you have a bona fide neurotransmitter imbalance in your brain (or both). A doctor can address both of these problems.
Also, I would work on losing weight first. Give yourself a goal that can truly be accomplished (which it can be with the right tools and commitment) and something that will build your self-confidence, allowing you to tackle all the rest of your problems.
Life is hard. Keep hanging in there. In 12 months from now you will have no idea how it will be. It could be better or worse, but you can't predict it. I find that comforting.
posted by sickinthehead at 11:54 AM on March 31, 2009
As everyone else here has said, therapy is a first step. Also, you haven't said what your family situation is, but if it's good, get their help. Perhaps consider moving back home for a little while to get some stability.
posted by paultopia at 12:02 PM on March 31, 2009
posted by paultopia at 12:02 PM on March 31, 2009
Also, I would work on losing weight first.
I really, really think he should start with alcohol recovery. Getting drunk a lot has a lot more short-term risks than being heavier than he'd like.
And healthy eating/exercise plans are much harder to follow when you're getting drunk, because alcohol is a depressant and a disinhibitor.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:40 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
I really, really think he should start with alcohol recovery. Getting drunk a lot has a lot more short-term risks than being heavier than he'd like.
And healthy eating/exercise plans are much harder to follow when you're getting drunk, because alcohol is a depressant and a disinhibitor.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:40 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
What you're talking about sounds a lot more like a software issue than a hardware issue. You're underachieving because you feel worthless. You're abusing your body because you hate yourself. You are afraid to act on your intellectual potential because you feel like you don't deserve success.
This might be true, it might not. Software issues & hardware issues are not mutually exclusive. They also tend to perpetuate each other. Which one came first is a chicken/egg question.
Anyway, there are so many things going on here and (necessarily) so little context or detail that any attempts by any of us to suggest specific diagnoses might do more harm than good. Anon, I worry that this thread might leave you feeling more overwhelmed than before you posted your question, and to be honest I worry you're not in a state of mind to sift through the responses with a critical enough mind to determine what's right, what's relevant, and what isn't.
Look: baby steps. Make ONE goal. You're in school, so my suggestion is to seek out a therapist through your school's counseling/mental health resources program - someone to help you plot out a treatment plan. If you can, see if they have someone who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is very practical and forward-oriented. But either way, the right therapist can be your teammate and cheerleader.
So:
Go to your school's website and find the mental health services page.
Locate the phone number, call it, and make an intake appointment.
If there's a cost associated with it, quite frankly, I'd suggest eating it - put it on a credit card if you have to. Your health is the absolute best investment you can make. You'll also be saving more money in the long run by not losing any more tuition on failed semesters.
If you're in the SF Bay Area, MeMail/email me (in profile) and I can give you some suggestions for resources in the area. Good luck!!
posted by granted at 1:02 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
This might be true, it might not. Software issues & hardware issues are not mutually exclusive. They also tend to perpetuate each other. Which one came first is a chicken/egg question.
Anyway, there are so many things going on here and (necessarily) so little context or detail that any attempts by any of us to suggest specific diagnoses might do more harm than good. Anon, I worry that this thread might leave you feeling more overwhelmed than before you posted your question, and to be honest I worry you're not in a state of mind to sift through the responses with a critical enough mind to determine what's right, what's relevant, and what isn't.
Look: baby steps. Make ONE goal. You're in school, so my suggestion is to seek out a therapist through your school's counseling/mental health resources program - someone to help you plot out a treatment plan. If you can, see if they have someone who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is very practical and forward-oriented. But either way, the right therapist can be your teammate and cheerleader.
So:
Go to your school's website and find the mental health services page.
Locate the phone number, call it, and make an intake appointment.
If there's a cost associated with it, quite frankly, I'd suggest eating it - put it on a credit card if you have to. Your health is the absolute best investment you can make. You'll also be saving more money in the long run by not losing any more tuition on failed semesters.
If you're in the SF Bay Area, MeMail/email me (in profile) and I can give you some suggestions for resources in the area. Good luck!!
posted by granted at 1:02 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
I agree that you should forget that you're a genius, and I agree that sort of self-characterization can get you into thought patterns that really hold you back, and alienate other people.
But you also should forget it because, the word "genius" apparently has no meaning anymore. There are too many people floating around calling themselves "geniuses" and claiming that right because tests, teachers, family, or friends have told them so. Or because they're interested in subject matter that is conventionally associated with geniuses. Or because their IQ is over a certain threshold.
There cannot possibly be as many geniuses as there are people who claim they are. I've met only a handful of people in my life who even come close to deserving that label. Because genius implies action. You aren't a genius until you've actually done something amazing and inspired. If it sits in your head your entire life, it may as well not exist.
The good news is, once you aren't a "genius" anymore, you're free to actually be something more self-invented and real. So drop this label from your inventory of self-description, and any other labels you're trying to live up to.
I also agree with the work/sunshine/good food therapy, and with the What About Bob? method
posted by Coatlicue at 2:04 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
But you also should forget it because, the word "genius" apparently has no meaning anymore. There are too many people floating around calling themselves "geniuses" and claiming that right because tests, teachers, family, or friends have told them so. Or because they're interested in subject matter that is conventionally associated with geniuses. Or because their IQ is over a certain threshold.
There cannot possibly be as many geniuses as there are people who claim they are. I've met only a handful of people in my life who even come close to deserving that label. Because genius implies action. You aren't a genius until you've actually done something amazing and inspired. If it sits in your head your entire life, it may as well not exist.
The good news is, once you aren't a "genius" anymore, you're free to actually be something more self-invented and real. So drop this label from your inventory of self-description, and any other labels you're trying to live up to.
I also agree with the work/sunshine/good food therapy, and with the What About Bob? method
posted by Coatlicue at 2:04 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
First off stop being so arrogant. I don't know if you are genius or not but you don't sound like you've made a lot of smart decisions. It's a total putoff. Realize that your potential does you no good except inflate your ego when you aren't realizing it for a good cause.
Secondly, get treatment for achohol abuse and depression (it sounds like you are depressed). The sooner, the better.
posted by scottschulthess at 2:35 PM on March 31, 2009
Secondly, get treatment for achohol abuse and depression (it sounds like you are depressed). The sooner, the better.
posted by scottschulthess at 2:35 PM on March 31, 2009
also....are you tired all the time? ask your doctor about getting tested for sleep apnea, especially given your obesity. Sleep deprivation makes it nearly impossible to crawl out of depression, even if it's not the actual cause of a depression.
posted by availablelight at 5:08 PM on March 31, 2009
posted by availablelight at 5:08 PM on March 31, 2009
see a doctor. once you begin to get help for whatever is making you feel negative, life will look more hopeful. trust me - trust all of us, a lot of us have probably been through similar self-defeating feelings. you will probably be able to manage, find your inspiration, and thrive, you just need some help and some confidence (not like that's simple but...it IS possible). but you know you have potential, so you know it is possible -- it will be better when you get support.
posted by bengalibelle at 7:56 PM on March 31, 2009
posted by bengalibelle at 7:56 PM on March 31, 2009
Several people have jumped on you for calling yourself a genius, and I notice that you even mention it in your tags. I understand what it's like to invest a great deal of your identity in being smart, but as others have pointed out (and as I have learned from painful experience), no one cares what your IQ is if you can't get things done or are not pleasant to be around. It connotes a sense of entitlement that's off-putting.
But setting aside what others might think of you, one reason you should drop the "genius" label is that it can be debilitating. If you think you always have to be brilliant, or that only brilliant things matter, you'll never be able to get off the ground. One thing I've found personally helpful is to stop thinking about how to dazzle the world with my brain, and simply try to be useful to people and get things done for them. As Pufferfish pointed out, smartitude will manifest itself in action.
(Oh, and you should also stop drinking. And eat healthier and exercise more if you're unhappy with your body.)
posted by ambulatorybird at 8:23 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
But setting aside what others might think of you, one reason you should drop the "genius" label is that it can be debilitating. If you think you always have to be brilliant, or that only brilliant things matter, you'll never be able to get off the ground. One thing I've found personally helpful is to stop thinking about how to dazzle the world with my brain, and simply try to be useful to people and get things done for them. As Pufferfish pointed out, smartitude will manifest itself in action.
(Oh, and you should also stop drinking. And eat healthier and exercise more if you're unhappy with your body.)
posted by ambulatorybird at 8:23 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]
Another case in point of our over-medicated society. More drugs is NOT always the answer! I'm amazed at how many people think continuing to throw drugs at situation will somehow help. As someone else stated, that will NOT fix your problem.
In that vein, I would recommend seeing a psychologist, instead of a psychiatrist if that's possible. Along with that, I would seek out some kind of live-person (not internet-based) support. I'm not sure of your religious leanings, but church might be an excellent way to find an ally or group to help see you through this difficult phase of your life. Also, you might find AA helpful. In addition to that, I recommend enrolling in something, like one class. If not college, maybe a Continuing Education class of a hobby or something. I think just one or two classes will be enough, you need to take baby steps. The more small milestones you reach (like getting a certificate or getting a good grade on a test or something), the more you can re-build your self-image. I think right now, what you need most, is to just finish something--anything. You need to know that you are capable of completing something. I think this would do WONDERS in helping you later when you enroll in school full-time. I would also recommend you joining a local aerobics class or getting a personal trainer (if money permits) or something of the sort. I think if you start--in baby steps--toning your body, you'll do wonders for "toning" or focusing your mind.
Most of all, have faith. You will be okay Anonymous. Just take a deep breath. Decide that that old you--the one from yesterday--is a memory. NOW is when your healing begins. You can do it. Don't rob the world of your awesome mind and talent. Don't rob YOURSELF of all the opportunity sitting at your doorstep. Just take it one day, one step, at a time. Good luck!
posted by GeniPalm at 2:38 AM on April 1, 2009
In that vein, I would recommend seeing a psychologist, instead of a psychiatrist if that's possible. Along with that, I would seek out some kind of live-person (not internet-based) support. I'm not sure of your religious leanings, but church might be an excellent way to find an ally or group to help see you through this difficult phase of your life. Also, you might find AA helpful. In addition to that, I recommend enrolling in something, like one class. If not college, maybe a Continuing Education class of a hobby or something. I think just one or two classes will be enough, you need to take baby steps. The more small milestones you reach (like getting a certificate or getting a good grade on a test or something), the more you can re-build your self-image. I think right now, what you need most, is to just finish something--anything. You need to know that you are capable of completing something. I think this would do WONDERS in helping you later when you enroll in school full-time. I would also recommend you joining a local aerobics class or getting a personal trainer (if money permits) or something of the sort. I think if you start--in baby steps--toning your body, you'll do wonders for "toning" or focusing your mind.
Most of all, have faith. You will be okay Anonymous. Just take a deep breath. Decide that that old you--the one from yesterday--is a memory. NOW is when your healing begins. You can do it. Don't rob the world of your awesome mind and talent. Don't rob YOURSELF of all the opportunity sitting at your doorstep. Just take it one day, one step, at a time. Good luck!
posted by GeniPalm at 2:38 AM on April 1, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:59 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]