Should I tell my wife about my new fetish?
March 9, 2009 10:01 PM   Subscribe

Should I try to ask my wife to let me try a sex act that I know she'll think is gross?

My wife and I have a good sex life. We're both attracted to each other and love having sex. I love her and am really hot for her and we have really good sex, but I also have a very strong libido and masturbate when she's either not around or unwilling, and she's cool enough to be fine with that. We're totally in love.

But a couple weeks ago I was masturbating while she was away for the weekend and I guess I was curious, so I put a finger in my butt near the end, and the feeling I had when I finished was *amazing*.

I want to be stimulated that way while I have sex with her, but I know for a fact she'll be grossed out by it. I brought up having anal sex with her a long time ago, and she thought the idea was gross ("there's poop in there" was I think the biggest deal). So there's no way she'll want to reach back and stimulate me that way. If she's grossed out with me doing it to her, then I'm pretty sure no way she'll do it to me. I could do it to myself, but I'm worried it would freak her out and make the sex not as good for her, which is the most important thing to me.

But the deal is that I feel like it's wrong that there's something that I'm enjoying without her, like it's the kind of secret you shouldn't keep from your wife. I'm not going to try to talk her into it, because I know she's really disgusted with the whole idea, but I feel like keeping that a secret is wrong. On the other hand, if she wouldn't like it, I feel like maybe bringing it up would do more harm than good.

Should I tell her, and if I should tell her, how? The idea really scares the hell out of me. I don't want to change the way she sees me. And yeah, I know, if she *really* loves you she won't run away -- I don't think she would leave me over something like this at all, she's great, but coming out about something like this is hard for me.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

I dunno. Just 'cause she doesn't want you to do it to her, in my experience, doesn't mean she wouldn't be okay with doing it to you.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 10:04 PM on March 9, 2009

I don't want to change the way she sees me.

Yes you do. You want her to see you as someone who likes a finger in his ass, and you want to change how you see your wife as a woman who is into that. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and not broaching this will eat at you for the rest of your life. And if you're worried about her thinking you're gay or something, a gay man would not prefer to be fucking a woman while this is happening. That proof is in the pudding.
posted by rhizome at 10:11 PM on March 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

This is fairly commonplace in sexplay so I wouldn't even think about it too much as a fetish (meaning sexualizing something not sexual - for a lot of people buttplay is in the realm of stuff normally considered sexy but I digress) and think more about it being something you're interested in.

Prostate stimulation is really pretty terrific as far as orgasms go and that should maybe be your talking point when you bring it up with your wife. More like "omg this feels awesome, can we bring this into *our* sex life and not just *my* sex life?" and not "please stick finger up my butt kthx" You might want to read or browse Anal Pleasure and Health which is sort of a getting started manual for buttplay stuff (talks about a lot of activities, not just anal sex). A few more suggestions

- there are ways to get around the "there's poop in there" issue if that's really all it is. Mess around in the shower, time it so that there's not poop in there [the rectum is usually pretty well empty most of the time anyhow], use latex barriers &c.
- if you're into toys and/or lots of lube, this could be a natural extention of either of those things. While something in your butt [or hers] that is not a body part could, depending on your personal preference, be weirder than finger exploration, this could also get around the weirdness of feeling that stuff was 1. dirty 2. too tight for exploration
- anal sex and cautious finger exploration are way way different, so you may just want to start with the latter and see where it goes
- secrets are, though, okay. If you were, say, a rubber fetishist and couldn't get off without thinking about your wife in a rubber apron and were secretly thinking about that while you and she had sex, that would be a secret that was maybe not helpful. Having your own "this is how I touch me when I make me feel good" practices is not a bad secret, in my own opinion. I mean, if you were my boyfriend I'd sort of like to know that sort of thing because it's fun to know what turns the other person on, but if you know already that they don't like that [and you might want to explore a little more with your wife, she may not be as against it as you think] it's okay to do what makes you feel good in your own private spaces.

So, if you're not raring to tell her RiGHT NOW, I'd wait until it either comes up while you guys are idly fooling around or when you're just talking about "hey you know what I found that I really like...?" and move forward like that. In the meantime, yay for discovering new things about your body, aren't they wonderful things?
posted by jessamyn at 10:17 PM on March 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also, what you describe isn't really fetish (as you suggest in your title), in the precise application of the word ( an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression). In your case, it sounds like a interest, but not *required* for your sexual gratification.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 10:18 PM on March 9, 2009

Ah, tell her what you just told us - that you were curious and tried it and liked it (if you say something quick, before months or years pass, it won't have time to become your burning, festering secret) - and tell her you know she's grossed out about the idea herself but would she mind if you did it to yourself? Wear a glove or a condom on your finger if it makes her feel better: small steps, etc.
posted by springbound at 10:20 PM on March 9, 2009

I don't want to change the way she sees me.

Yes you do. You want her to see you as someone who likes a finger in his ass

No he doesn't, the OP stated his wish in this regard.

Jesus, just because you asked your lover to stick her finger in your arse doesn't mean that you somehow typecast and it will be some insomountable hurdle. Like there is not getting over it. "Hmmm, I would like Jim to pick the kids up from school, but there's that whole finger in the arse thing, so now, I'm not so sure"

anonymous - go for it, ask with pride. Try it on her first, as a way of braking the taboo. Suggest a latex glove if she thinks it's gross.
posted by mattoxic at 10:22 PM on March 9, 2009

some women don't like the idea of their ass being played with but don't mind at all playing with the asses of others.

i think you should approach it like you told us - hey honey, while i was jacking off the other day i got a wild hair and decided to try putting a finger in my butt. i know this is something that grosses you out, and i'm not asking you to do it to me (unless you'd like to), but i'd like to do it to myself either while you're around or you're not. i realized i could have just done it and never told you, but i love you and our amazing life and our openess about sex. i felt weird having pleasured myself without giving you the option to know about it. so, there, now you know. i love you.
posted by nadawi at 10:30 PM on March 9, 2009 [5 favorites]

go for it, ask with pride. Try it on her first, as a way of braking the taboo

Can we just clarify too that you'll want to talk about trying it on her before going and doing it? I'm sure this is what mattoxic meant; just the way it was written was slightly unclear. A surprise finger up her bum probably won't help your case. ;)
posted by springbound at 10:37 PM on March 9, 2009

Seconding the idea that she might not be grossed out by penetrating you with a gloved hand or with a toy... no direct poop-touching required. Also, this is not such an unusual thing and makes anatomical sense -- unless she is pretty sheltered, she's probably heard of butt plugs, etc. Good luck!
posted by ecsh at 10:40 PM on March 9, 2009
posted by robofunk at 11:00 PM on March 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Maybe point her at the Aneros (a prostate-stimulation device) and say you'd like to try it out sometime?

My fiancé has one, and I love that thing... I'm the one who always suggests that we use it. It's hands-free, batteryless and works off your body's own muscle contractions, so she won't have to get anywhere near it if she's squeamish. You can wear it while you have intercourse, and she wouldn't even know it was in except for the part where you're moaning and groaning and your eyes are rolling back in your head.
posted by Gianna at 11:03 PM on March 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

No, you shouldn't "try" to ask. You should absolutely ask. "Hey honey, would you mind sinking your finger up my ass? No? How about this latex toy? IF there's poo up there it can be easily washed."

Okay, that's probably way too overt for a married couple's bedroom (which makes me sad) but there's not reason you shouldn't ask. Just make sure that you that you frame it in such a way that she can decline gracefully. You don't want her thinking for the rest of her life that you're unhappy unless you get [whatever]. The way you posted it above is pretty good. "I was doing [natural thing and thinking about you] when I stuck a finger up there. It was really amazing. Would you mind exploring this with me? I promise there will be no personal encounters with poo. Unless you want them."

And as far as the "there's poop up there!" argument goes. That's easy to deal with, just search your local pharmacy for "suppositories".
posted by Ookseer at 11:31 PM on March 9, 2009

YES YES YES you should ask! Clean your butt nicely first (a lite enema and then a shower), have a set of latex gloves and some lube nearby, be sweet about it, and ask! Perhaps you could warm her up with a viewing of Bend Over Boyfriend * first?

(*I'm sort of assuming you're a dude here, but I think you might get something out of this film even if you're not)
posted by serazin at 12:22 AM on March 10, 2009

You could always buy some finger cots to take away some of the poop ick factor.
posted by nerdcore at 1:06 AM on March 10, 2009

Should I try to ask my wife to let me try a sex act that I know she'll think is gross?

Yep. Ya'll have the rest of your lives together, you might as well try out every sexual fantasy you have, otherwise it's going to be a long and boring life.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:42 AM on March 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

I have two cold showers and one hot one:

(1) Of course you should ask. What is the point of a wife (or a lover) if you can't ask for something you would like to try?

(2) I also choked a little on your "coming out" remark in the question. If you're having anxiety that this makes you somehow gay, please don't. It's a very sensitive zone in a very sensitive area, and many (most?) people enjoy stimulation of some kind there, personal preferences on the kind of stimulation notwithstanding.

(3) And a warning... If you don't ask her, and try to bury this inside your brain, then this thing (that again, is very minor) is going to grow and grow in your brain until it BECOMES a big deal. If you ever get to a point where you're not only not getting what you want from your lover, but you're actually afraid to ask for it this is a blinking "trouble ahead" light. Fix it before your anxiety turns into bitterness or regret.
posted by rokusan at 5:30 AM on March 10, 2009

This is about as tame as it comes. Maybe get some latex gloves for her?
posted by Electrius at 6:05 AM on March 10, 2009

I suggest a toy. That way "she's" not doing it, the toy is.
posted by agentwills at 6:50 AM on March 10, 2009

I feel like it's wrong that there's something that I'm enjoying without her, like it's the kind of secret you shouldn't keep from your wife.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying things like that. I think you're extending the "don't have sex with another person" taboo to "don't have sex acts with yourself that your wife doesn't like."
posted by Ironmouth at 7:21 AM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

This is, to you, sort of gross and sort of kinky. Many people enjoy this exact thing. Many people think it's mildly icky or not icky at all, very erotic or not somuch, and not kinky at all, and surely some people think it's OMG horrifying. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with sexual orientation.

You should talk to her about your wish to have anal stimulation and penetration during sex. Things that may want to consider: butt plug, latex finger cot, glove, lube; in some positions, it could be a difficult reach for her. There are lots of nerve endings there, men get extra stimulation if the prostate gets involved, and many women enjoy this even without a prostate.

Remind her that you think she's really sexy, you're so turned by her, you want her to be part of your sexual exploration. Remind yourself that it's okay for her to say no.
posted by theora55 at 7:41 AM on March 10, 2009

anonymous - go for it, ask with pride. Try it on her first, as a way of braking the taboo. Suggest a latex glove if she thinks it's gross.

I wouldn't try it on her first. I'd bring it up, gently and politely, possibly in a non-sexual setting. The suggestions to get sex toys and clean yourself up first are great. But if she's stated that she's not interested in anal sex, that probably means that she doesn't want her own butt played with--respect that.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:51 AM on March 10, 2009

(I go thereon her when my wife and I are making love, and it seems to ramp up her enjoyment a LOT. But I can't talk about that (specifically) with her. So I just do it every so often and it's fine, as long as it does not get talked about. Strange.)

But to ask for it, fine. She has the right to say yes or no, and hopefully you two can move on. And there is a glass that is over half full here, it seems, so that is a good thing.
posted by Danf at 8:00 AM on March 10, 2009

If she's grossed out with me doing it to her, then I'm pretty sure no way she'll do it to me.

Maybe so, if she has a real aversion to feces. But you can ask.

This is a really normal thing. I mean, lots and lots of very vanilla monogamous opposite-sex couples do this all the time.

There's an NSFW page which is NSFW on it, for heaven's sake.! It's not a "fetish" any more than oral sex is a "fetish". I imagine it will be in Reader's Digest sometime within the next ten years.

So maybe start with this? "Honey, I was trying out some prostate stimulation stuff while I was jacking off, and it felt awesome. Oh, you don't know what that is? Well, there's an page on it" and go from there.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:24 AM on March 10, 2009

Seconding jessamyn--this is just barely non-vanilla as a sex maneuver, somewhere in between French vanilla and lemon sorbet. It's not like you suddenly discovered 1 guy 1 cup. If you rhapsodize about the big shiny orgasm you had when you did it to yourself, I would hope she'll be eager to try it on you soon. Work up to this by setting a scene in which you've just emerged from a hot shower all squeaky clean. Finger cots are a good call too, though a tad clinical and prostate examine-y. Have fun!
posted by zoomorphic at 11:50 AM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

One caveat: I read this week in the Metro about a woman worried that her boyfriend was gay because he asked for this. If your wife is the type to be concerned that, rather than a finger, you would prefer a penis in your butt, then I suggest you have a little work to do before talking to her about this.
posted by greekphilosophy at 2:39 PM on March 10, 2009

Maybe she could get a small strap on and experience what it feels to be the penetrater versus the penetrated.
Or you can always get a simple silicone butt toy, personally I love the fun factory bootie, it is perfect for beginners. And remember lube lube LUBE!
posted by Ekidnagrrl17 at 7:07 PM on March 17, 2009

Anal sex is more fun and less stressful if poop jokes are funny
posted by Blasdelb at 10:35 AM on March 9, 2010

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