I need all your best jeers, razzes, taunts, and insults for baseball games!
March 6, 2009 1:36 PM   Subscribe

Baseball season is fast approaching, which means one thing above all else: I need all your best jeers, razzes, taunts, and insults!

If there's one thing I love more than going to baseball games, it's yelling things at baseball games. Some of my favorites, a mix of standards and homemade ones, include:

"The AFL-CIO throws better strikes than that!"
"I've seen better swings on a porch!"
"Hey blue, if you had another eye, you'd be a cyclops!"
"Get off your knees, blue, you're blowing the game!"
"Hey [player], too bad you aren't as good at playing baseball as you are at being ugly!"
"I find [player] to be a subpar athlete!"

As you can see, I don't have strict or high standards. They can be lewd, crass, long, short, idiotic, clever, obscure, esoteric. My arsenal is limited and I am looking to expand... for that, I turn to MeFi!
posted by ORthey to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (31 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
" No batter!" " No batter!" " No batter!" " No batter!" " No batter!" " No batter!" " No batter!"
posted by Drasher at 1:37 PM on March 6, 2009


posted by dersins at 1:39 PM on March 6, 2009

I don't want to start a flame war.... BUT "Yankees s*ck" is classic in its simplicity. As is, " "My grandmother could've caught that ball!"
posted by pentagoet at 1:50 PM on March 6, 2009

" No batter!" " No batter!" " No batter!" " No batter!" " No batter!" " No batter!" " No batter!"

Suh-wing, batter!
posted by billysumday at 1:52 PM on March 6, 2009

I sat next to a guy once who was ostensibly an Os fan - but had this obsession with punishing Aubrey Huff:

"I knew you couldn't do it, Aubrey!"
"Your father was right, Aubrey!"
"Aubrey Huff, Rally Killer!"
"You better not ask me for money again, Aubrey!"

I think maybe he really did owe the guy money.
posted by peachfuzz at 1:54 PM on March 6, 2009 [2 favorites]

Best answer: "I find your pitching to be lackluster, do you maybe have a headache!"

"You should go back to Triple-A, try a little harder, gain some maturity, and come back to the majors in a year or two!"

"Your fielding is surprisingly poor compared to your teammates, but all things considered, still incredibly above-average!"
posted by billysumday at 1:55 PM on March 6, 2009 [13 favorites]

@pentagoet...yes! It's best when worked into the "LETS-GO-YAN-KEES (clap clap clapclapclap/Yankees suck!)" cadence. I like "GO-HOME-YAN-KEES", too.

(at Camden Yards, the crowd at an Os-Yankees game is never, ever more than 40% Os fans. Curiously, a third of the rest are usually outfitted in Red Sox gear, come just to cheer against the Yanks)

I like the subtler ones, too. Like this one guy who just drawled out superstar nicknames in the most obnoxiously nasal, condescending way possible. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa-Rod. Aaaaaaaaaaaa-Rod." "Jeeeeeeeeeter. Jeeeeeeeeeeeter!" Perfect.
posted by peachfuzz at 2:00 PM on March 6, 2009

Best answer: When an outfielder can't flag down a liner cause he takes a bad path:

posted by vito90 at 2:00 PM on March 6, 2009 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: These are great. I forgot to mention another standby, which works best with the Yankees as well: "Hey ARod! Go back to New York! [pause] Wherever THAT is!"
posted by ORthey at 2:02 PM on March 6, 2009

At my college, they placed the student section right behind the visitors' bullpen. Bad news bears. That was fun. We actually looked up the names of, say, the warming up pitcher's girlfriend or mother to use in our insults. For instance, "Linda said last night she can throw better than that!" or "Go home, outfielder, Marie's waiting for you!"
posted by Night_owl at 2:15 PM on March 6, 2009

For a couple of months after Halle Berry left David Justice in '96, leaving him publicly miserable, when the Braves played in NYC the Mets fans would chant "HAL-LE! (stomp stomp) BER-RY!". It was cruel but funny. (Then he hurt his shoulder. But then he became a Yankee, so fuck him.) So, in general, I suggest taunting the players based on their tabloid-worthy personal lives.
posted by nicwolff at 2:17 PM on March 6, 2009

"Hey, Chipper Jones! There's a run in your panty hose."
posted by Pants! at 2:21 PM on March 6, 2009

When Rice loses a baseball game against another TX state school, I always enjoy the "Flip our bur-gers!".
posted by Seeba at 2:28 PM on March 6, 2009

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa-Rod. Aaaaaaaaaaaa-Rod."

posted by dersins at 2:29 PM on March 6, 2009

And, in a post I'm embarrassed to repeat, I remember the jeer "Death to the Opposition!" from Deep Space Nine. Short, simple, hyperbole.
posted by Seeba at 2:30 PM on March 6, 2009

"What's wrong with (insert player's number)? He's a bum!"

It's just fun to yell.
posted by juliplease at 3:10 PM on March 6, 2009

"Turn around Blue. You're missing a good game"
"Sounded like a strike"

Jim Edmonds seems to catch everything and that annoys me.
"Damn it, Edmonds! GET OFF MY LAWN!"

I sat next to a guy yelling at Jeromy Burnitz.
"Hey Burnitz...Hey round boy...throw you another hot dog".
posted by nimsey lou at 3:19 PM on March 6, 2009

Just off the top of my head...

"Yo Jeter! Your boyfriend made me one hell of an omelet this morning!" ... "No, I'm not talking about you A-Rod" (not limited to Derek Jeter/A-Rod)

"Clemens, you throw a baseball like you're stroking off a tranny!"

"If you strike out, I'll stop fucking your wife"

When it comes to baseball heckling, the more emasculating, the better. If you want some really good ones, sit in the student section of a local college game. One quiet weekend, a bunch of friends and I ended up sitting in the parking lot overlooking the outfield of our stadium drinking beers and ripping on the long haired centerfielder from Rice, I believe. The insults above are tame compared to what we were yelling at this kid. So he gets up to bat, jacks a home run over the fence about 2 clicks away from us, comes back out and flips us off. We gave him a standing ovation.

"What's wrong with (insert player's number)? He's a bum!"

Nothing whatsoever. The bums always lose!

posted by clearly at 3:38 PM on March 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

British soccer fans are endlessly inventive. Perhaps something to learn there, e.g. "Can we play you every week?"
posted by idb at 3:46 PM on March 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

McSweeney's published some really good ones as part of their "Expert Help For Your Fantasy Baseball Franchise."

Tales Of The Heckle.

"You're the reason we can't do the wave, Podsednik."
posted by Mountain Goatse at 4:11 PM on March 6, 2009 [2 favorites]

All these answer make me yearn for a Daryl to take the field.

posted by AloneOssifer at 4:16 PM on March 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

Learn from the best.
posted by davcoo at 5:16 PM on March 6, 2009

If a pitcher is nibbling at the plate, I like to yell, "Hey, Babe Ruth is dead, so how 'bout throwing some strikes?"

Of course, when your team is being blown out, there's always...

posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:45 PM on March 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

I always enjoyed the heckling of the opposing pitcher as he warmed up. Including when the pitcher throws the crowd goes whooooop then the catcher returns and the crowd goes wheeee.
You gotta be there.
posted by pianomover at 9:17 PM on March 6, 2009

Limited in usage opportunity, depending on your team / league - there's only two signed in the AL right now - but still one of my favorites:

"Hey Sanchez! Your uniform is DIRTY!"
posted by SquidLips at 10:59 PM on March 6, 2009

If a player is having a bad day in the field and at the plate: "Hey Blanko you're a real two way player!"
posted by Gungho at 5:37 AM on March 7, 2009

Oh man, this takes me back to college hockey games. They actually stopped publishing the opposing players names with their numbers because we were so good (or bad) at heckling. Chants were the best to get going. There were simple ones like: "you suck" & "it's all your fault" every time someone screwed up or "dou-ble dig-its" when your team's score reaches 10 or up. Oh and the naughty, "shoulda been a bj."

Then there are shout outs like:
I dislike you immensely.
That uniform makes you look fat or your butt looks big in that uniform.
You're a horrible person and should be ashamed of yourself.
It's ok, your team/family/girlfriend is used to dissapointment.
It's ok, your mom still loves you!

That's all I remember for now.
posted by CoralAmber at 11:04 AM on March 7, 2009

Response by poster: Thanks, all! This is great.

Also, how did I forget the word "heckle" in my list of words??? It's like the main one. Yeesh.
posted by ORthey at 11:42 AM on March 7, 2009

I love hilariously ineffective or lackluster heckling. Our favorite in Hockey Band was sublimely simple:

Hey, X, you're no good!
posted by ulotrichous at 3:05 PM on March 7, 2009

My wife always feels bad about heckling players, so she gives them mild compliments instead. It's kinda cute.
posted by elder18 at 4:00 PM on April 10, 2009

I didn't realize at first how old this thread was, but I had to add these for sake of posterity (many are inspired by Letterman's monologues and top ten lists):

"You're so weak, you need steroids just to WATCH baseball!"
"It's so hot, I bet you'd test positive for iced tea!"
"It's so cold, I bet you'll go inject yourself with hot soup!"
(While the steroids insults are fun and current, they can be embarrassing in retrospect once someone on your own team inevitably gets busted for using 'em.)

"Hey, Mendoza called. He wants his line back!"
"Hey CC, you're so fat, the only Yankees record you'll ever own is having the most pinstripes on your uniform!"
"Hey pitcher, you couldn't even strike out Ted Williams' frozen head!"
"Hey, the hot dog vendors are all wondering when you're coming back to work!"
"Hey Cal, your wife says you're no Iron Man in the bedroom!" (retired)
"Hey, I heard you joined a gym in the offseason just so you can keep showering with men!"
"Hey pitcher, you suck so bad, the commissioner doesn't give a damn if your games get reproduced or retransmitted in any form, or if the accounts and descriptions are disseminated without his express written consent!"
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 12:28 AM on July 30, 2009

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