Anybody Here Seen My Old Friend Bruce, Can You Tell Me Where He's Gone?
February 22, 2009 12:28 PM Subscribe
While searching for an old friend on Facebook, I found out that he had died a year ago, "unexpectedly at home." Usually that means something bad. What's an appropriate response given that amount of time? Should I follow-try to contact his wife, whom I never met?
Response by poster: Why do you want to contact his wife at all?
He was a close friend at one time and I'd like but don't need closure. Also, unexpectedly at home, here in Vermont, usually, but not always, means suicide.
posted by Xurando at 12:42 PM on February 22, 2009
He was a close friend at one time and I'd like but don't need closure. Also, unexpectedly at home, here in Vermont, usually, but not always, means suicide.
posted by Xurando at 12:42 PM on February 22, 2009
If you have a private way to get in touch, I don't think it would be inappropriate to send her a note, letting her know you just found out and express your sympathy. It would be nice if you could tell her about how you know Bruce and maybe share a fond memory. (A physical letter is nicer than an email, if possible.)
A year seems like a long time in some ways, but I think it's safe to assume she's still dealing with the loss. I think it would be nice to acknowledge this to her privately, briefly, and it might make you feel a little better, too.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend.
posted by juliplease at 12:52 PM on February 22, 2009 [7 favorites]
A year seems like a long time in some ways, but I think it's safe to assume she's still dealing with the loss. I think it would be nice to acknowledge this to her privately, briefly, and it might make you feel a little better, too.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend.
posted by juliplease at 12:52 PM on February 22, 2009 [7 favorites]
Don't contact her. You've never met her. You just want to know how he died, and that's selfish.
posted by amro at 12:52 PM on February 22, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by amro at 12:52 PM on February 22, 2009 [5 favorites]
Or, in other words, ask yourself, "If I found out he had died in an auto accident, would I still want to contact this stranger?"
posted by amro at 12:53 PM on February 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by amro at 12:53 PM on February 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
How long ago was he a close friend? Unless it was fairly recently, which it doesn't seem to be, my gut says don't do it. Besides, if it was bad, you would likely cause pain for the wife if she's in the process of getting over it and you reopen the wound.
posted by Night_owl at 12:54 PM on February 22, 2009
posted by Night_owl at 12:54 PM on February 22, 2009
How long ago was he a close friend?
Since Xurando hasn't met the wife, it can't have been that recently.
posted by jayder at 1:00 PM on February 22, 2009
Since Xurando hasn't met the wife, it can't have been that recently.
posted by jayder at 1:00 PM on February 22, 2009
I don't know if that means suicide or not. Have you heard that used as a euphemism for suicide before? People who have accidents in the home (very common) would fit that description, someone who died of an undiagnosed medical condition (heart attack, diabetic coma, stroke) would fit that description, etc. Regardless of how he died, his wife is still going to be mourning, but it's not necessarily a traumatic situation like a suicide. I also can't imagine that your note would help her heal at all unless you were one of your friend's best friends from his youth that she would know about and you have some exceptionally fabulous stories about him. (If it was a suicide, she might be dealing with anger towards him, so "he was a great guy" kind of comments might actually add to her anger rather than help her heal.)
posted by parkerjackson at 1:01 PM on February 22, 2009
posted by parkerjackson at 1:01 PM on February 22, 2009
I'm under the impression that Xurando mentioned the possibility that this may have been suicide not because it piqued his morbid curiosity, but because it makes the act of contacting the family that much more delicate. I don't think it's fair to assume he wants to get in touch just to be nosy.
posted by juliplease at 1:03 PM on February 22, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by juliplease at 1:03 PM on February 22, 2009 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: You just want to know how he died, and that's selfish.
Wrong, this was someone I spent a whole two years working together in very close proximity and at the time we shared everything. Don't presume to know my motivations even here on MeFi.
posted by Xurando at 1:03 PM on February 22, 2009 [5 favorites]
Wrong, this was someone I spent a whole two years working together in very close proximity and at the time we shared everything. Don't presume to know my motivations even here on MeFi.
posted by Xurando at 1:03 PM on February 22, 2009 [5 favorites]
Oh, I do think we're minimizing your loss which is probably pretty upsetting. But I think you can do other things to deal with the loss rather than try to contact the wife. Talking over the event with other friends of that era and sharing stories about your friend can help you deal with him being gone. You don't need to contact his wife to find some closure in the event.
posted by parkerjackson at 1:05 PM on February 22, 2009
posted by parkerjackson at 1:05 PM on February 22, 2009
I would shy away from contacting the wife as over a year has passed and she might be in the process of moving on. Is there a mutual friend you could contact that might have more information and could possibly provide some sort of closure?
posted by Ugh at 1:08 PM on February 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by Ugh at 1:08 PM on February 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
I found out via Google that my best friend from elementary school died unexpectedly in her late teens. I found her brother on Facebook last month and sent a note saying that I had heard of her death and that I was so sorry for his family's loss. I don't see why something as simple as that would be inappropriate- if it were me, I'd want to know that there were people who still remember my loved one and missed him or her.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:09 PM on February 22, 2009 [15 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:09 PM on February 22, 2009 [15 favorites]
Have you heard that used as a euphemism for suicide before?
In Vermont this tends to be something you read in obituaries for suicides. I don't know if it's regional or not.
I would send a letter as suggested by juliplease.
posted by jessamyn at 1:11 PM on February 22, 2009
In Vermont this tends to be something you read in obituaries for suicides. I don't know if it's regional or not.
I would send a letter as suggested by juliplease.
posted by jessamyn at 1:11 PM on February 22, 2009
I would also send the letter juliplease suggests. The point is not whether or not you've met his wife, but that you can let her know about another person that her husband's life touched.
I would also take "unexpectedly at home" to mean suicide. However, by sending a snail-mail letter -- which by necessity makes an immediate response impossible so I can't see how this would be taken as snooping or morbid curiosity. And of course, you should not ask.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 1:20 PM on February 22, 2009
I would also take "unexpectedly at home" to mean suicide. However, by sending a snail-mail letter -- which by necessity makes an immediate response impossible so I can't see how this would be taken as snooping or morbid curiosity. And of course, you should not ask.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 1:20 PM on February 22, 2009
A friend of mine recently had a similar experience.
A classmate of hers had passed away in an automobile accident a couple years after graduation and she happened to see his sister on Facebook. She sent a note to the sister saying that she often thought of her friend over the years and told her a little about the friendship they had had and what if had meant to her at the time. Somewhat unexpectedly, the sister wrote back and told her how much it meant to her to know that people still remembered her brother and how moved she was and how much she appreciated hearing about their friendship. It was pretty emotional for both of them, but in a really GOOD way.
I realize there are a couple differences here. The loss had been many many years old and the cause of death was known, but in my experience as well as this one, people are often happy to talk about their lost loved ones and don't get much of a chance to because people are so worried about upsetting them and are afraid to bring it up.
In the same situation, I would send a note. I would concentrate on letting his wife know how much his friendship had meant to you at one time and perhaps share a happy memory or two with her. It may be nice for her to hear that someone else out there is thinking of him.
posted by Edubya at 1:22 PM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
A classmate of hers had passed away in an automobile accident a couple years after graduation and she happened to see his sister on Facebook. She sent a note to the sister saying that she often thought of her friend over the years and told her a little about the friendship they had had and what if had meant to her at the time. Somewhat unexpectedly, the sister wrote back and told her how much it meant to her to know that people still remembered her brother and how moved she was and how much she appreciated hearing about their friendship. It was pretty emotional for both of them, but in a really GOOD way.
I realize there are a couple differences here. The loss had been many many years old and the cause of death was known, but in my experience as well as this one, people are often happy to talk about their lost loved ones and don't get much of a chance to because people are so worried about upsetting them and are afraid to bring it up.
In the same situation, I would send a note. I would concentrate on letting his wife know how much his friendship had meant to you at one time and perhaps share a happy memory or two with her. It may be nice for her to hear that someone else out there is thinking of him.
posted by Edubya at 1:22 PM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
I always interperted it as suicide too (Ontario). A nice letter with fond memories would be perfectly appropriate. Too many people are afaid of mentioning someone that died to the survivor, as though she could have gotten past and forgotten her husband. I know such letters are difficult to write so good for you that you are willing to share her grief rather than lapse into embarrassed silence.
posted by saucysault at 1:22 PM on February 22, 2009
posted by saucysault at 1:22 PM on February 22, 2009
I think juliplease's advice is good. A few words of sympathy without prying, sharing of a fond memory or two, and an expression of hope that she herself is doing ok, would not be inappropriate or unwelcome, even a year later. Make note of the fact that you still think of her husband fondly, and just wanted her to know that. Don't ask for info. about his death. If she wants to contact you further, or share info., she will, if not, leave it alone after that.
My mother-in-law's second husband had run a bookstore during his retirement, so quite a few people knew him, as he had been a bit of a local character. After he died (of natural causes, fortunately), she was happy to get even belated expressions of sympathy and good memories about him, even from strangers who used to frequent his shop.
If you had any mutual friends you can contact, you might try that route as well.
I think it is natural to want to know what happened to an old friend, not necessarily selfish, but you need to balance that with trying not to cause any further pain to his wife and family.
I went to a state university and had 2 very good friends in college (we were all from that state). I moved away, but kept in touch with X (who is still in our home state), but we both lost touch with Y (also in our home state), despite our best efforts. Fast forward 20 years and X finds out some months after the fact that Y had died in a fire. X and I both wanted to know what had happened to Y. Fortunately (or unfortunately) there was enough press coverage and also memorial blogging about Y that we could find out the sad story via google without contacting his family, but I don't think there was anything wrong with X or me for wanting some closure, as we were all extremely close at one time, and both X and I honor and treasure those memories.
posted by gudrun at 1:30 PM on February 22, 2009
My mother-in-law's second husband had run a bookstore during his retirement, so quite a few people knew him, as he had been a bit of a local character. After he died (of natural causes, fortunately), she was happy to get even belated expressions of sympathy and good memories about him, even from strangers who used to frequent his shop.
If you had any mutual friends you can contact, you might try that route as well.
I think it is natural to want to know what happened to an old friend, not necessarily selfish, but you need to balance that with trying not to cause any further pain to his wife and family.
I went to a state university and had 2 very good friends in college (we were all from that state). I moved away, but kept in touch with X (who is still in our home state), but we both lost touch with Y (also in our home state), despite our best efforts. Fast forward 20 years and X finds out some months after the fact that Y had died in a fire. X and I both wanted to know what had happened to Y. Fortunately (or unfortunately) there was enough press coverage and also memorial blogging about Y that we could find out the sad story via google without contacting his family, but I don't think there was anything wrong with X or me for wanting some closure, as we were all extremely close at one time, and both X and I honor and treasure those memories.
posted by gudrun at 1:30 PM on February 22, 2009
I would shy away from contacting the wife as over a year has passed and she might be in the process of moving on.
No, she is not going to have left her husband's death behind her, regardless of how it happened. And nothing you would say in a gentle, friendly snail-mail letter is going to have the power to massively re-traumatize her. You're not that important.
On the other hand, for many people in her situation, the fear that others might forget the deceased person is a major issue, and a letter from you could only help with that.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 1:33 PM on February 22, 2009 [13 favorites]
No, she is not going to have left her husband's death behind her, regardless of how it happened. And nothing you would say in a gentle, friendly snail-mail letter is going to have the power to massively re-traumatize her. You're not that important.
On the other hand, for many people in her situation, the fear that others might forget the deceased person is a major issue, and a letter from you could only help with that.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 1:33 PM on February 22, 2009 [13 favorites]
I don't think you really gain anything by assuming it was a suicide. People sit down to write obituaries when their pretty messed up and there's a chance she might have borrowed the phase without fully understanding it's connotations.
Not exactly the same, but when my Dad passed, I was grateful to hear words from friends of his I'd never met. His wife might be comforted to hear from somebody else who remembers him. I'd recommend writing the letter and include your email address with it. If she's inclined, she can easily get in touch. If not, you've still paid your respects.
posted by bonobothegreat at 1:36 PM on February 22, 2009
Not exactly the same, but when my Dad passed, I was grateful to hear words from friends of his I'd never met. His wife might be comforted to hear from somebody else who remembers him. I'd recommend writing the letter and include your email address with it. If she's inclined, she can easily get in touch. If not, you've still paid your respects.
posted by bonobothegreat at 1:36 PM on February 22, 2009
Too many people are afaid of mentioning someone that died to the survivor, as though she could have gotten past and forgotten her husband. I know such letters are difficult to write so good for you that you are willing to share her grief rather than lapse into embarrassed silence.
On the other hand, you don't know this person, your friend's wife, nor do you know the circumstances of his death or the relationship they shared. Perhaps the suicide, if it was a suicide, had something to do with their relationship. Perhaps any number of things. Perhaps sending a letter would be opening old wounds after a year of moving on. Perhaps she takes it well and appreciates the sentiment. You don't know her so you don't know how she'll respond - therefore, this isn't about her, about consoling her, about sharing a story with her. This is about you doing something you feel you need to do. I won't speculate why you feel like you need to send a letter to a stranger. Personally I find it odd but I've never been in your position so perhaps I'd feel differently. As others have mentioned, if I were you, I feel as though I'd be more comfortable sharing my feelings with people that my friend and I both knew. His family members, other coworkers, old friends, etc.
posted by billysumday at 1:36 PM on February 22, 2009
On the other hand, you don't know this person, your friend's wife, nor do you know the circumstances of his death or the relationship they shared. Perhaps the suicide, if it was a suicide, had something to do with their relationship. Perhaps any number of things. Perhaps sending a letter would be opening old wounds after a year of moving on. Perhaps she takes it well and appreciates the sentiment. You don't know her so you don't know how she'll respond - therefore, this isn't about her, about consoling her, about sharing a story with her. This is about you doing something you feel you need to do. I won't speculate why you feel like you need to send a letter to a stranger. Personally I find it odd but I've never been in your position so perhaps I'd feel differently. As others have mentioned, if I were you, I feel as though I'd be more comfortable sharing my feelings with people that my friend and I both knew. His family members, other coworkers, old friends, etc.
posted by billysumday at 1:36 PM on February 22, 2009
I had the same situation earlier this year with a friend, I e-mailed his mother my condolences and asked what had happened. She seemed relieved to talk about how they had no COD for months, and eventually found it to be a diabetic coma, when they had no idea that the person had diabetes.
I would at least contact her, if not ask the COD, and she will probably appreciate hearing from one more person who knew and cared for her husband.
posted by chana meira at 1:43 PM on February 22, 2009
I would at least contact her, if not ask the COD, and she will probably appreciate hearing from one more person who knew and cared for her husband.
posted by chana meira at 1:43 PM on February 22, 2009
After losing my mom last year, just hearing others speak her name was very precious to me, and also fairly rare. The posters who mentioned a handwritten note with a shared special memory I think offer the best advice. You're giving her permission to share her sorrow, should she desire, as your share yours and keep his memory alive.
posted by neelhtak at 1:58 PM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by neelhtak at 1:58 PM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
We honor the memory of those that we have lost by keeping them alive in our thoughts. I believe that others who loved them will understand.
I would write a brief letter that said something like: "I recently learned that (name) passed away last year. Although we had lost touch over the years, I still think of him often, and I am very sorry for your loss. Please know that he will always be with me in my heart."
posted by malocchio at 1:59 PM on February 22, 2009 [5 favorites]
I would write a brief letter that said something like: "I recently learned that (name) passed away last year. Although we had lost touch over the years, I still think of him often, and I am very sorry for your loss. Please know that he will always be with me in my heart."
posted by malocchio at 1:59 PM on February 22, 2009 [5 favorites]
No, she is not going to have left her husband's death behind her, regardless of how it happened. And nothing you would say in a gentle, friendly snail-mail letter is going to have the power to massively re-traumatize her. You're not that important.
I said "in the process of moving on," not left her husband's death behind her. For me personally, the chance of pouring salt on a wound would not be worth it. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. However, if I contacted a mutual friend, I might learn more about the situation, more about their relationship, and then feel comfortable contacting the wife directly.
posted by Ugh at 2:11 PM on February 22, 2009
I said "in the process of moving on," not left her husband's death behind her. For me personally, the chance of pouring salt on a wound would not be worth it. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. However, if I contacted a mutual friend, I might learn more about the situation, more about their relationship, and then feel comfortable contacting the wife directly.
posted by Ugh at 2:11 PM on February 22, 2009
I won't speculate why you feel like you need to send a letter to a stranger. Personally I find it odd...
There's absolutely nothing odd about it. You don't have to know someone to offer your condolences if you were a good friend of the deceased. It's a standard, Miss-Manners-like thing to do. In fact, I think sending a letter would be kind.
It's true that you don't know how she'll respond, because every person grieves differently. But this kind of a letter is a normal part of our rituals for marking someone's death, just as much as sending flowers to a funeral. And there's a very good chance that she would appreciate it.
Not sure what you can do about COD. If you were talking to her in person, maybe you could ask in a low, concerned tone, "What happened?", which leaves her room to respond vaguely if she wishes. But in a letter...? I'm assuming you don't have any other old friends who kept in touch with this guy, and might have more info?
posted by sesquipedalian at 2:14 PM on February 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
There's absolutely nothing odd about it. You don't have to know someone to offer your condolences if you were a good friend of the deceased. It's a standard, Miss-Manners-like thing to do. In fact, I think sending a letter would be kind.
It's true that you don't know how she'll respond, because every person grieves differently. But this kind of a letter is a normal part of our rituals for marking someone's death, just as much as sending flowers to a funeral. And there's a very good chance that she would appreciate it.
Not sure what you can do about COD. If you were talking to her in person, maybe you could ask in a low, concerned tone, "What happened?", which leaves her room to respond vaguely if she wishes. But in a letter...? I'm assuming you don't have any other old friends who kept in touch with this guy, and might have more info?
posted by sesquipedalian at 2:14 PM on February 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
If I were his wife, I'd want to hear from you. For what it's worth.
posted by Coatlicue at 2:19 PM on February 22, 2009
posted by Coatlicue at 2:19 PM on February 22, 2009
fwiw, I think it would be fine to send a note. I recently lost my best friend, who died unexpectedly, at home (from a brain hemorrhage, not suicide - there are other ways to die unexpectedly just FYI).
My situation IS NOT the same, but as someone who is still going through the loss, and dealing with it, I can't imagine a loved one being upset to hear that someone else is feeling the loss too. We tend to live in a death-denying society. I'm not sure that's a good thing. Don't be nosy, or dramatic. Send a note saying that you are sorry, as others have suggested. I think it'd be fine.
posted by Richat at 2:29 PM on February 22, 2009 [3 favorites]
My situation IS NOT the same, but as someone who is still going through the loss, and dealing with it, I can't imagine a loved one being upset to hear that someone else is feeling the loss too. We tend to live in a death-denying society. I'm not sure that's a good thing. Don't be nosy, or dramatic. Send a note saying that you are sorry, as others have suggested. I think it'd be fine.
posted by Richat at 2:29 PM on February 22, 2009 [3 favorites]
I think a letter would be fine actually. When a person dies, it isn't necessarily practical to contact everyone who should be informed. Having just learned of his passing I think it's ok to express your condolences and what his knowing him meant to you.
posted by chairface at 2:41 PM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by chairface at 2:41 PM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
I find the responses talking about "opening old wounds" peculiar. I am very fortunate, having not yet lost any close loved ones. But I have never, ever heard someone who has talk about "reopening wounds" as a concern. Quite the opposite, in fact: the problem, instead, stems from other people being afraid to talk about the loved one, from concerns about him/her being forgotten, from feeling like you can't talk about and revisit memories of this person whose absence has opened a gaping hole in your life. If you've lost a loved one, the worst has happened already. And--moving on?? A year is not much time at all when a spouse has passed away. People often talk about the first anniversary of the death as being a particularly painful time.
If your friend did commit suicide, then your words might be especially welcome, since suicide's circumstances are particularly agonizing and also, due to perceived awkwardness or taboo, may leave others even less likely to share their memories of him with his wife. (Yes, she might be angry at him, by the way; but that doesn't mean she wants to forget him or doesn't also love him.)
As juliplease, edubya and others said, appropriate things to include in a snail-mail letter would be a few memories, or some words about what your friend meant to you, that sort of thing; and you can include your contact information so that she can respond how and when (if) she chooses. (I would only contact her in written words unless she later invites you to do otherwise.) It would be utterly tacky and unpleasant to inquire about cause of death or other such particulars, regardless of what kind of "closure" you might like, but from your additional posts I think you understand that.
posted by Herkimer at 3:43 PM on February 22, 2009
If your friend did commit suicide, then your words might be especially welcome, since suicide's circumstances are particularly agonizing and also, due to perceived awkwardness or taboo, may leave others even less likely to share their memories of him with his wife. (Yes, she might be angry at him, by the way; but that doesn't mean she wants to forget him or doesn't also love him.)
As juliplease, edubya and others said, appropriate things to include in a snail-mail letter would be a few memories, or some words about what your friend meant to you, that sort of thing; and you can include your contact information so that she can respond how and when (if) she chooses. (I would only contact her in written words unless she later invites you to do otherwise.) It would be utterly tacky and unpleasant to inquire about cause of death or other such particulars, regardless of what kind of "closure" you might like, but from your additional posts I think you understand that.
posted by Herkimer at 3:43 PM on February 22, 2009
FWIW, and somewhat tangentially, my cousin commited suicide and I faithfully write a note to my aunt each and every year on my cousin's birthday and on the day of her death, which are days I assume are especially difficult days for my aunt. I, too, was concerned that I'd be rehashing something painful with this type of contact, but my aunt expressed to me that of course she thought of her daughter/my cousin each and every day and it was in fact very comforting to know that she/my cousin was not forgotten.
My aunt expressed that as time goes by, fewer and fewer people seem to 'remember' my cousin, in that now that the funeral's obviously over and a few years have gone by, my cousin is mentioned less and less. Perhaps people are afraid to bring up her memory. I don't know. But it's not as if you'd be bringing up a forgotten memory by contacting your friend's wife; surely she, too, thinks of her husband every single day, if not every hour, and receiving a small note would help her understand that others, too, think of him. There's something very comforting to know that even though time has passed, the positive impacts of that departed person's life are still very much present.
So I'd opt for putting your feelings out there in a brief note, as others have mentioned, regardless of the amount of time that has passed.
posted by December at 3:46 PM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
My aunt expressed that as time goes by, fewer and fewer people seem to 'remember' my cousin, in that now that the funeral's obviously over and a few years have gone by, my cousin is mentioned less and less. Perhaps people are afraid to bring up her memory. I don't know. But it's not as if you'd be bringing up a forgotten memory by contacting your friend's wife; surely she, too, thinks of her husband every single day, if not every hour, and receiving a small note would help her understand that others, too, think of him. There's something very comforting to know that even though time has passed, the positive impacts of that departed person's life are still very much present.
So I'd opt for putting your feelings out there in a brief note, as others have mentioned, regardless of the amount of time that has passed.
posted by December at 3:46 PM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
edit: There's something very comforting about knowing...
posted by December at 3:48 PM on February 22, 2009
posted by December at 3:48 PM on February 22, 2009
The notion that sending a note would be very upsetting to the wife seems odd to me. Certainly, it might make her sad--I am still sad when I think of good friends who have died, even many years afterward. But I would much rather be reminded of my happy memories, with all the accompanying feelings of loss, than never hear my friend's name mentioned again.
Absolutely contact her and let her know how much your friend meant to you. Certainly, there's a possibility that she will take it badly, for whatever reason, but I think that's vastly outweighed by the chances that she will take comfort in connecting with someone else who knew him and shares her grief.
posted by fermion at 4:00 PM on February 22, 2009
Absolutely contact her and let her know how much your friend meant to you. Certainly, there's a possibility that she will take it badly, for whatever reason, but I think that's vastly outweighed by the chances that she will take comfort in connecting with someone else who knew him and shares her grief.
posted by fermion at 4:00 PM on February 22, 2009
I'm friends with a widow, and I cannot imagine any widow not appreciating a kind note containing fond memories of her husband. It's not going to reopen old wounds for the reason that a year is not long enough to close them.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:17 PM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:17 PM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
My uncle had a son who he didn't raise who I never met just pass away in his early thirties last year. My mother saw his obituary from the Guestbook link on a lot of newspapers and left a message of condolence, with her e-mail visible. The deceased cousin's mother contacted my mother and was sooo happy to hear from someone on that side of the family. I can't imagine a scenario in which your friend's wife wouldn't be glad to hear from her late husband's good friend. I've been trying to think of the other side, but I can't. I can't imagine how she would be in any offended by your leaving a nice message of condolence for her late husband, I just can't. Do it.
posted by GeniPalm at 4:46 PM on February 22, 2009
posted by GeniPalm at 4:46 PM on February 22, 2009
Losing a loved one is a very solitary experience. Knowing that someone else remembers that person and shares your loss can be a comfort. Especially a few months after the funeral when everyone else has moved on with their lives. It's good to know that someone else still remembers.
How he died really isn't important. People who loved him are still grieving.
A simple letter would be fine.
posted by 26.2 at 5:01 PM on February 22, 2009
How he died really isn't important. People who loved him are still grieving.
A simple letter would be fine.
posted by 26.2 at 5:01 PM on February 22, 2009
Would searching his name online help? Do you have any mutual friends you can ask?
I agree though; a letter expressing your sympathy would be nice.
posted by anniecat at 5:19 PM on February 22, 2009
I agree though; a letter expressing your sympathy would be nice.
posted by anniecat at 5:19 PM on February 22, 2009
By "searching his name online" I actually mean searching hometown newspapers online for any police blotter details. I recently saw a "police responded to a an apparent suicide" type report in the police blotter section of the newspaper of the small town where I attended college.
posted by anniecat at 5:22 PM on February 22, 2009
posted by anniecat at 5:22 PM on February 22, 2009
Nthing juliplease's advice. Most people would appreciate a short letter sharing a fond memory.
posted by brianogilvie at 5:23 PM on February 22, 2009
posted by brianogilvie at 5:23 PM on February 22, 2009
My ex-husband died 'unexpectedly at home".. we'll never know if it was suicide, either way it wasn't good. Even though things were always very friendly between us after the split, most people did not contact me because my husband and I parted ways a year before he died.
From my perspective, I would have loved to get a letter or email from you expressing your sympathies and perhaps sharing how you met him and a fond memory like juliplease suggested.
It is not at all selfish. In fact, even though my ex-husband passed away almost two years ago now, I would still like to hear from someone like you.
posted by sadtomato at 6:38 PM on February 22, 2009
From my perspective, I would have loved to get a letter or email from you expressing your sympathies and perhaps sharing how you met him and a fond memory like juliplease suggested.
It is not at all selfish. In fact, even though my ex-husband passed away almost two years ago now, I would still like to hear from someone like you.
posted by sadtomato at 6:38 PM on February 22, 2009
Send the letter. It will help.
My mother died suddenly and traumatically 6 years ago, and I still have lots of questions about her life. Hearing about her from someone who knew her in a different context than I did would be wonderful.
posted by decathecting at 7:41 PM on February 22, 2009
My mother died suddenly and traumatically 6 years ago, and I still have lots of questions about her life. Hearing about her from someone who knew her in a different context than I did would be wonderful.
posted by decathecting at 7:41 PM on February 22, 2009
What juliplease said.
In my (thankfully limited) experience, it's nice to get a note a year later because it seems like the whole world has forgotten already. You can be sure his wife hasn't.
I wouldn't ask any questions or call- just write a note saying how sorry you are to hear the news and what you told us about what your relationship was, maybe with a couple more details. I suggest adding your address and phone number with the usual "if there's any way I can help" line, but don't expect to be answered.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:35 PM on February 22, 2009
In my (thankfully limited) experience, it's nice to get a note a year later because it seems like the whole world has forgotten already. You can be sure his wife hasn't.
I wouldn't ask any questions or call- just write a note saying how sorry you are to hear the news and what you told us about what your relationship was, maybe with a couple more details. I suggest adding your address and phone number with the usual "if there's any way I can help" line, but don't expect to be answered.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:35 PM on February 22, 2009
I died unexpectedly, not at home but just out the door in a buddies pickup on the way to the hospital. Heart attacks nailed me. I wasn't married but I've got siblings and parents who'd want to hear from people who cared about me in my life, one brother and one sister I know for a fact would welcome hearing. It was sudden, it came out of left field, no one was ready or expecting it at all. Who knows, maybe the same thing happened to him.
And even if he did take himself out, for whatever reason, I'd bet she has warm memories of him -- she did marry the guy, there was presumably something there. It's a kind letter, he's not going to grill her, it's a human thing to do and I think a good one. Write the letter, run it past two trusted friends to make certain that there are not any hooks in it, any left-handed jive that you can't see on your own, get it right and send it out.
My $0.02
posted by dancestoblue at 2:21 AM on February 23, 2009
And even if he did take himself out, for whatever reason, I'd bet she has warm memories of him -- she did marry the guy, there was presumably something there. It's a kind letter, he's not going to grill her, it's a human thing to do and I think a good one. Write the letter, run it past two trusted friends to make certain that there are not any hooks in it, any left-handed jive that you can't see on your own, get it right and send it out.
My $0.02
posted by dancestoblue at 2:21 AM on February 23, 2009
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posted by parkerjackson at 12:34 PM on February 22, 2009