Can This Be Undone?
February 10, 2009 5:36 PM Subscribe
Things got screwed up. I want her back. How do I fix the damage?
My ex-girlfriend and I broke up about a month and a half ago. We had been together for about a year and a half before that. We started out with a strong, close-knit, happy relationship that had grown out of being friends for several years. Seriously, it was something special. None of the usual ex-girlfriend complaints--she's a wonderful girl, smart and funny and kind, with a giant heart.
The real problem that brought us down in recent months grew out of a failure to communicate. We had both been really busy with assorted work and life drama that I will not go into here, but said dramatic episodes gave rise to arguments, and those arguments turned into emotional distance that became hard to get past. It was basically like a tiny ball of hurt and anger that rolled into a bigger and bigger ball. The closeness we used to have eroded, and so we broke it off, because it felt like the fun and laughter and understanding--and, I guess, the spark--had faded after all the distance that had been built during that stressful period between us.
The thing is, I miss her, a lot, and I still love her. We both decided that being broken up was the right thing for us at the time, and have been doing our separate things since, trying to move on and adjust. While we've agreed to be friends, there hasn't been much contact at all from either of us, and she has seemed a bit more reticent to contact me than I have been. I think I want to try to rebuild what we used to have. Is there anything I can do, besides giving us both time and space, to foster the friendship--and love--we used to have together? There's so much quiet between us right now, where there used to be warmth. How do I reach out, without scaring her away or invading her space?
My ex-girlfriend and I broke up about a month and a half ago. We had been together for about a year and a half before that. We started out with a strong, close-knit, happy relationship that had grown out of being friends for several years. Seriously, it was something special. None of the usual ex-girlfriend complaints--she's a wonderful girl, smart and funny and kind, with a giant heart.
The real problem that brought us down in recent months grew out of a failure to communicate. We had both been really busy with assorted work and life drama that I will not go into here, but said dramatic episodes gave rise to arguments, and those arguments turned into emotional distance that became hard to get past. It was basically like a tiny ball of hurt and anger that rolled into a bigger and bigger ball. The closeness we used to have eroded, and so we broke it off, because it felt like the fun and laughter and understanding--and, I guess, the spark--had faded after all the distance that had been built during that stressful period between us.
The thing is, I miss her, a lot, and I still love her. We both decided that being broken up was the right thing for us at the time, and have been doing our separate things since, trying to move on and adjust. While we've agreed to be friends, there hasn't been much contact at all from either of us, and she has seemed a bit more reticent to contact me than I have been. I think I want to try to rebuild what we used to have. Is there anything I can do, besides giving us both time and space, to foster the friendship--and love--we used to have together? There's so much quiet between us right now, where there used to be warmth. How do I reach out, without scaring her away or invading her space?
There is no Grand Gesture you could do that would lead to anything you want.
posted by spec80 at 5:48 PM on February 10, 2009
posted by spec80 at 5:48 PM on February 10, 2009
I think I want to try to rebuild what we used to have.
Not after one and a half months of breaking up after a year and a half of being together. You're still grieving over the relationship. Now is not the time to rekindle the friendship. You need to give it way more time, at least three months, if not way more. No, there's nothing you can do to make it go faster.
posted by Meagan at 5:50 PM on February 10, 2009
Not after one and a half months of breaking up after a year and a half of being together. You're still grieving over the relationship. Now is not the time to rekindle the friendship. You need to give it way more time, at least three months, if not way more. No, there's nothing you can do to make it go faster.
posted by Meagan at 5:50 PM on February 10, 2009
Write her a letter (the old-fashioned kind), explaining all your feelings and how you're willing to do what it takes to work things out. Tell her that, now that you've had some space, you realize you don't want it. Ask if you can start from scratch again, with better communication this time. Ask if she would like to go to dinner at some point.
I say write a letter, as that will enable you to put a lot of thought into your words. Depending on how dramatic things were at the end, including a rose may or may not help you.
It sounds like you had a good relationship, but you guys just reacted too quickly when something bad happened. That's normal. I think more people should realize when they've done this and be willing to go back and say, "Hey, I think we did this wrong." Especially when the relationship wasn't abusive or bad. As you said, you feel you just had communication issues. Try to fix it!
If it to doesn't work out, though, try to allow yourself to feel satisfied with what's happened. It won't be entirely possible (as any breakup hurts), but you will know that you tried on your end.
posted by metalheart at 5:53 PM on February 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
I say write a letter, as that will enable you to put a lot of thought into your words. Depending on how dramatic things were at the end, including a rose may or may not help you.
It sounds like you had a good relationship, but you guys just reacted too quickly when something bad happened. That's normal. I think more people should realize when they've done this and be willing to go back and say, "Hey, I think we did this wrong." Especially when the relationship wasn't abusive or bad. As you said, you feel you just had communication issues. Try to fix it!
If it to doesn't work out, though, try to allow yourself to feel satisfied with what's happened. It won't be entirely possible (as any breakup hurts), but you will know that you tried on your end.
posted by metalheart at 5:53 PM on February 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
I once lived with a man who annoyed me to no end ... everything about him made me say on a daily basis "WTF? How did I get here?" I literally danced on the front lawn of my new apartment building when I broke up with him and moved out.
But a week later, I missed him. It happens. I missed the routine and the familiarity of it all ... no matter how ridiculously unpleasant it was. I'm sure if you had a relationship that started out well, you miss the good parts.
But there's a reason you all broke up and I sense that the unspoken life drama had a lot to do with it, but there's likely a lot more.
You said she's been reluctant to contact you. Take that as a sign. It'll stop hurting eventually. I promise. Good luck.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 5:55 PM on February 10, 2009 [9 favorites]
But a week later, I missed him. It happens. I missed the routine and the familiarity of it all ... no matter how ridiculously unpleasant it was. I'm sure if you had a relationship that started out well, you miss the good parts.
But there's a reason you all broke up and I sense that the unspoken life drama had a lot to do with it, but there's likely a lot more.
You said she's been reluctant to contact you. Take that as a sign. It'll stop hurting eventually. I promise. Good luck.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 5:55 PM on February 10, 2009 [9 favorites]
I definitely agree with spec80 that there's no grand gesture that will turn back the clock. But as I see it, there are two options here.
1) you can make small advances of friendship, in an attempt to rebuild some closeness and maybe ascertain whether she regrets the break-up as well.
2) Just put your feelings out there, call her up and ask to grab a coffee, and simply say a lot of what you've written up there.
I favor option 2, simply because option 1 feels like you're trying to worm your way back into her life and then hope she simply falls for you all over again, it just feels wrong, insidious even. Option 2 seems more honest, you two used to be able to tell each other most anything, so go back to that type of action and just tell her how you're feeling. If you really believe that it was the situation that made things go wrong, and not really the two of you, then maybe you can get back together and be stronger than ever. And if she says she's not feeling it, then maybe later on you can try option 1, but without any ulterior motives.
Or, you could go with turgid dahlia and just let it go. But I think you should give it a shot, or it seems like you'd probably be holding onto it in the back of your mind.
On preview, I'm with metalheart, but I think I'd skip the rose, that's a little melodramatic for my tastes.
posted by dnesan at 5:56 PM on February 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
1) you can make small advances of friendship, in an attempt to rebuild some closeness and maybe ascertain whether she regrets the break-up as well.
2) Just put your feelings out there, call her up and ask to grab a coffee, and simply say a lot of what you've written up there.
I favor option 2, simply because option 1 feels like you're trying to worm your way back into her life and then hope she simply falls for you all over again, it just feels wrong, insidious even. Option 2 seems more honest, you two used to be able to tell each other most anything, so go back to that type of action and just tell her how you're feeling. If you really believe that it was the situation that made things go wrong, and not really the two of you, then maybe you can get back together and be stronger than ever. And if she says she's not feeling it, then maybe later on you can try option 1, but without any ulterior motives.
Or, you could go with turgid dahlia and just let it go. But I think you should give it a shot, or it seems like you'd probably be holding onto it in the back of your mind.
On preview, I'm with metalheart, but I think I'd skip the rose, that's a little melodramatic for my tastes.
posted by dnesan at 5:56 PM on February 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
Give it a year and then maybe cast an e-mail for coffee or something. Anything you do now will probably further distance her from you.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 6:11 PM on February 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 6:11 PM on February 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
During the time you were dating there must have been millions of things you talked about wanting to do or interests she had. Find some event in your area related to one of those. Think along the lines of concerts, exhibits, movies cultural events, a restaurant or store she'd always wanted to go to, etc... Call her up and invite her in the "Hey I saw in the paper that ____ is going to open up on Saturday and remember you'd mentioned liking that type of thing."
But have it be something she was actually interested in. It will not only be a good excuse to get to see her and have the big conversation if necessary, but it's also in the realm of something an ex on good terms or a friend would generally do without going over the top, seeming desperate, etc...
If she's hesitant, the pure nature of the event she's interested in might be the pushing factor (for wanting to go or not wanting to sound ridiculous for turning you down) that you might not have if you were to do something like invite her out on a romantic date or something.
posted by nzydarkxj at 6:16 PM on February 10, 2009
But have it be something she was actually interested in. It will not only be a good excuse to get to see her and have the big conversation if necessary, but it's also in the realm of something an ex on good terms or a friend would generally do without going over the top, seeming desperate, etc...
If she's hesitant, the pure nature of the event she's interested in might be the pushing factor (for wanting to go or not wanting to sound ridiculous for turning you down) that you might not have if you were to do something like invite her out on a romantic date or something.
posted by nzydarkxj at 6:16 PM on February 10, 2009
I say go for the grand gesture....so write the letter, e-mail, phone call or whatever it is that you do best, clearly outlining why you want her back, why things have changed, and how they are going to be different going forward....humble yourself but do not be weak, be confident in what you want, and present it to her as a choice, you realize that there is a chance your heart will be further broken but to you it is worth just giving it one more chance
What is the worse that could happen?
She says NO
If she does look at her in the eye (or write an email or letter) saying that it is all good...and that you understand you just needed to let it out....
I say that you do this because it is sooo bad to have that what if in the back of your head.....i think the chances of she getting back with you are low...but they are even lower if you dont give it a try....and at the end of the day you can tell yourself you did the best you could....let me know what happens
posted by The1andonly at 6:25 PM on February 10, 2009
What is the worse that could happen?
She says NO
If she does look at her in the eye (or write an email or letter) saying that it is all good...and that you understand you just needed to let it out....
I say that you do this because it is sooo bad to have that what if in the back of your head.....i think the chances of she getting back with you are low...but they are even lower if you dont give it a try....and at the end of the day you can tell yourself you did the best you could....let me know what happens
posted by The1andonly at 6:25 PM on February 10, 2009
Oh yeah...there is this song "The one that got away" read the lyrics before the letter or the call...
posted by The1andonly at 6:27 PM on February 10, 2009
posted by The1andonly at 6:27 PM on February 10, 2009
Do a grand gesture rather than small steps that could easily be misinterpreted as attempts at friendship. And if she doesn't respond like you were hoping, let her be. You might not know when you've crossed the line from ex-trying-to-get-back-together to scary-won't-leave-me-alone-ex.
Unfortunately, from my own experience, breaking up even once is usually a bad sign. You guys weren't communicating before--how will you fix it going forward? How will you know you won't just fall back into old bad habits?
Regret and missing someone, even when the breakup was warranted, is common and is not a sign that you should get back together.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:37 PM on February 10, 2009
Unfortunately, from my own experience, breaking up even once is usually a bad sign. You guys weren't communicating before--how will you fix it going forward? How will you know you won't just fall back into old bad habits?
Regret and missing someone, even when the breakup was warranted, is common and is not a sign that you should get back together.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:37 PM on February 10, 2009
Do you know what a grand gesture is? It's lipsticks on a pig. The very reason why it's grand is because it's extra-ordinary. But you didn't break-up over extraordinary circumstances. You broke up because of the ordinary, the daily grind stuff. Unless you address that, I don't think band-aid solutions will fix this problem. Break-up is a big decision. You are currently suffering from the consequence of it. The only proper way to deal with it is to follow-through with:
1. Post-relationship analysis: what worked, what didn't; great things and failures.
2. Self-evaluation: what do you want? What did you bring into the relationship? Things you did right and how to increase it? Things you did wrong and how to ameliorate it?
3. Action plans: armed with information from the steps above, how can you improve yourself? How do you recognize, evaluate and act appropriately when problem arise? How do you maximize your strength and minimize your weakness? What kind of advice/support/training will benefit you?
The reason why I mention these steps is because once you get that down and embark on the action plans, your options widen significantly. You may choose to stay alone and work on your goal. You may write a letter to her outlining your analysis and plans without being needy. Or you may decide that a different person may fit you better. Because, let's face it, you broke up because of who you were and because what you did didn't work. Of course, it could be because of her too. But the only real solution is either she must change, or you must change. It's easier to change yourself. Re-initiate contact now without the necessary changes will just waste her time and yours. It reeks of desperation, and unlikely to work in the long-term.
PS: Just in case that during your evaluation, you find certain things that she must change, add those to the list of demands inyour letter, or alternatively to the list of qualifications for your next relationship. Good luck.
posted by curiousZ at 7:17 PM on February 10, 2009 [5 favorites]
1. Post-relationship analysis: what worked, what didn't; great things and failures.
2. Self-evaluation: what do you want? What did you bring into the relationship? Things you did right and how to increase it? Things you did wrong and how to ameliorate it?
3. Action plans: armed with information from the steps above, how can you improve yourself? How do you recognize, evaluate and act appropriately when problem arise? How do you maximize your strength and minimize your weakness? What kind of advice/support/training will benefit you?
The reason why I mention these steps is because once you get that down and embark on the action plans, your options widen significantly. You may choose to stay alone and work on your goal. You may write a letter to her outlining your analysis and plans without being needy. Or you may decide that a different person may fit you better. Because, let's face it, you broke up because of who you were and because what you did didn't work. Of course, it could be because of her too. But the only real solution is either she must change, or you must change. It's easier to change yourself. Re-initiate contact now without the necessary changes will just waste her time and yours. It reeks of desperation, and unlikely to work in the long-term.
PS: Just in case that during your evaluation, you find certain things that she must change, add those to the list of demands inyour letter, or alternatively to the list of qualifications for your next relationship. Good luck.
posted by curiousZ at 7:17 PM on February 10, 2009 [5 favorites]
Figure out how you are going to fix your communication problems, lay out a plan, and then go to her. Go to her after you've found a therapist, after you've read couples' communication books, after you can say where you messed up before and not be defensive about it. Or however you decide to do it. It will fail again if you go back without working on yourself.
Only tell her how you feel once. More than that is creepy and stalkerish. If she says no, she's over you or she's too hurt to try again.
And if she does take you back, prepare for a long period of distrust, especially if you were the dumper. It will take awhile for you both to feel secure in the relationship again, now that you've both been hurt. That warmth might take awhile to grow again.
Relationships can work the second time, but only if you both work hard to resolve the problems you had before, and if you are both even more committed to each other than you were before.
posted by min at 7:18 PM on February 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
Only tell her how you feel once. More than that is creepy and stalkerish. If she says no, she's over you or she's too hurt to try again.
And if she does take you back, prepare for a long period of distrust, especially if you were the dumper. It will take awhile for you both to feel secure in the relationship again, now that you've both been hurt. That warmth might take awhile to grow again.
Relationships can work the second time, but only if you both work hard to resolve the problems you had before, and if you are both even more committed to each other than you were before.
posted by min at 7:18 PM on February 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm going to go against the crowd and say go for it. There's a world or difference between "I'm miss her" and "I still love her". If you still genuinely love her, you owe it to yourself to try.
Start with a phone call and ask her to meet for coffee or something. When you talk to her in person, tell her you miss her. See if things can build from there.
posted by 26.2 at 7:32 PM on February 10, 2009
Start with a phone call and ask her to meet for coffee or something. When you talk to her in person, tell her you miss her. See if things can build from there.
posted by 26.2 at 7:32 PM on February 10, 2009
You both need more time to heal. Having been the girl in a situation exactly like this (there's even an anonymous askme from the guy I was dating), I can tell you she needs her space. If you get back together while you are both still hurting, there is going to be resentment all around and you'll find yourself alone again. In the meantime, don't be tempted to do anything stupid that you'd hate for her to find out (one night stand with her ex-roomie, blabbing her secrets, saying mean things about her, you catch my drift).
If the time comes down the road that yes, you do want to date again, then treat it as a completely new relationship. This isn't "getting back together", it's you a little bit more experienced and wiser so that you won't repeat the same mistakes.
We are now engaged after a 6 month breakup, so reuniting is possible.
posted by idiotfactory at 7:52 PM on February 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
If the time comes down the road that yes, you do want to date again, then treat it as a completely new relationship. This isn't "getting back together", it's you a little bit more experienced and wiser so that you won't repeat the same mistakes.
We are now engaged after a 6 month breakup, so reuniting is possible.
posted by idiotfactory at 7:52 PM on February 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
I think you need to let her lead.
posted by teamparka at 8:26 PM on February 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by teamparka at 8:26 PM on February 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'll join those saying take a shot--because it comes across as a short-term problem that, as you said, snowballed, not as a fundamental problem or problems (infidelity, substance abuse, being financially irresponsible, etc).
Another voice for the put-pen-to-paper means of taking your shot. Knowing little about countless relevant things, feels pointless to wade much into thoughts of what to say other than give it your best thought and write from the heart.
If she responds favorably, there ya go, though as people have said, probably best to have plans and ideas--reading books, perhaps couples counseling--to reduce the chances of more communication problems.
If she doesn't respond or doesn't respond favorably, no loss.
Me thinks you'd long regret not having a go at it.
posted by ambient2 at 10:13 PM on February 10, 2009
Another voice for the put-pen-to-paper means of taking your shot. Knowing little about countless relevant things, feels pointless to wade much into thoughts of what to say other than give it your best thought and write from the heart.
If she responds favorably, there ya go, though as people have said, probably best to have plans and ideas--reading books, perhaps couples counseling--to reduce the chances of more communication problems.
If she doesn't respond or doesn't respond favorably, no loss.
Me thinks you'd long regret not having a go at it.
posted by ambient2 at 10:13 PM on February 10, 2009
How do I fix the damage?
You don't. It's not a vase.
Is there anything I can do, besides giving us both time and space, to foster the friendship--and love--we used to have together?
No. Becoming friends and then lovers was not the result of a carefully enacted and self-conscious stratagem, it was what happens spontaneously and naturally every minute between millions of people all across the planet. You can't make that happen. You can't make someone want you. The more you try, the less they will.
How do I reach out, without scaring her away or invading her space?
You don't, most likely. Or, at best, you do so without any expectations that you'll win her back. Which, it sounds like, you're not capable of doing right now. Desperation always smells stronger than pheremones. And trying desperately to not be desperate just... well, I think you know.
Do what curiousZ says, with a healthy mixture of gentleness and brutal honesty. And start to address that "life drama," and make sure this isn't all a way to avoid it or pretend it doesn't matter.
Do this not because it will help you achieve your goal, but because it will help you grow as a person and increase your capacity for love.
Then - and don't skip to this step right away - by all means, write her a letter. Maybe in a month, maybe less. There's no reason to deny how you feel, assuming you still feel that way by then. Go easy on the drama, or implications of any expectations. Focus on what you've realized and how you feel about it, not what you want from her. Just so you know, she probably won't reply. And it needs to be enough to you that you cleared the air and didn't leave anything unsaid.
Then, maybe meet for coffee or something down the road. See if you can be friends again.
And... that's pretty much it, I'm afraid. There's no secret trick here. These things usually don't work, and they usually shouldn't. And if you do get back together - which you probably won't - it will, as was said above, be a completely different relationship. You're saying, "yeah, yeah, I know," but honestly? It's been a month, and I bet you don't - and I don't think you should even be thinking about this at all until you do understand it. How would it work in this moment, with both of you self conscious, aware of what happened - you aware of what you're doing and worrying about how it's going, and her aware that you're aware of this, and you aware that she's aware...
If you two still love eachother and are "meant" to be together (in as much as any two people could be), waiting a few months - or more - is nothing (though I know it probably doesn't feel that way). But if either of you have washed your hands of it by that time, well, probably best you didn't keep on, then. It's terrifying to think she might meet someone else. And I bet it's also terrifying to think you might meet someone else. But I'm guessing you're actually not the best judge of what you need right now, beyond reflection and healing.
I'm speaking from experience here. Once, an intense relationship I thought was long dead fired up again unexpectedly - two and a half years later, and after we'd both seen different people. Another time, well - let's just say something different happened. Guess which one I tried to control.
Work on your shit. Not because it will help your cunning plan, but because you need to. You seem to think you just fucked up, big time. So why the hell are you not busy trying to learn from that?
posted by Phosphor Bronze at 10:42 PM on February 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
You don't. It's not a vase.
Is there anything I can do, besides giving us both time and space, to foster the friendship--and love--we used to have together?
No. Becoming friends and then lovers was not the result of a carefully enacted and self-conscious stratagem, it was what happens spontaneously and naturally every minute between millions of people all across the planet. You can't make that happen. You can't make someone want you. The more you try, the less they will.
How do I reach out, without scaring her away or invading her space?
You don't, most likely. Or, at best, you do so without any expectations that you'll win her back. Which, it sounds like, you're not capable of doing right now. Desperation always smells stronger than pheremones. And trying desperately to not be desperate just... well, I think you know.
Do what curiousZ says, with a healthy mixture of gentleness and brutal honesty. And start to address that "life drama," and make sure this isn't all a way to avoid it or pretend it doesn't matter.
Do this not because it will help you achieve your goal, but because it will help you grow as a person and increase your capacity for love.
Then - and don't skip to this step right away - by all means, write her a letter. Maybe in a month, maybe less. There's no reason to deny how you feel, assuming you still feel that way by then. Go easy on the drama, or implications of any expectations. Focus on what you've realized and how you feel about it, not what you want from her. Just so you know, she probably won't reply. And it needs to be enough to you that you cleared the air and didn't leave anything unsaid.
Then, maybe meet for coffee or something down the road. See if you can be friends again.
And... that's pretty much it, I'm afraid. There's no secret trick here. These things usually don't work, and they usually shouldn't. And if you do get back together - which you probably won't - it will, as was said above, be a completely different relationship. You're saying, "yeah, yeah, I know," but honestly? It's been a month, and I bet you don't - and I don't think you should even be thinking about this at all until you do understand it. How would it work in this moment, with both of you self conscious, aware of what happened - you aware of what you're doing and worrying about how it's going, and her aware that you're aware of this, and you aware that she's aware...
If you two still love eachother and are "meant" to be together (in as much as any two people could be), waiting a few months - or more - is nothing (though I know it probably doesn't feel that way). But if either of you have washed your hands of it by that time, well, probably best you didn't keep on, then. It's terrifying to think she might meet someone else. And I bet it's also terrifying to think you might meet someone else. But I'm guessing you're actually not the best judge of what you need right now, beyond reflection and healing.
I'm speaking from experience here. Once, an intense relationship I thought was long dead fired up again unexpectedly - two and a half years later, and after we'd both seen different people. Another time, well - let's just say something different happened. Guess which one I tried to control.
Work on your shit. Not because it will help your cunning plan, but because you need to. You seem to think you just fucked up, big time. So why the hell are you not busy trying to learn from that?
posted by Phosphor Bronze at 10:42 PM on February 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
5 years later: "We started out with a strong, close-knit, happy relationship that had grown out of being friends for several years. Seriously, it was something special. None of the usual ex-girlfriend complaints--she's a wonderful girl, smart and funny and kind, with a giant heart."
Please don't take this the wrong way, I know that you're hurting, but most of us have gone through something similar.
Even if it is a mistake, something you said, something she misunderstood, somehow you drifted apart...
There exists the possibility that it is over. There may be nothing that you can say or do to change it.
I hope that I am wrong. I hope that you can work it out.
I can only share my experience. As terrible as I felt that my life was, as bad as I thought things were, I never thought, "No one has ever felt this." "I am the first person to hurt this way." I always realized that, even though things feel the worst that they could possibly be, I am not the first person to go through this. It sucks, but it's survivable.
You can't feel good about this, you can't want people to tell you, "give it time, you'll get over it." I know she's special. Maybe it will work out. But if it doesn't, nothing is "for the best." Nothing is, "meant to be." It just sucks. It's terrible. It's painful. But it does end.
Some people say to give it time. These people are wrong. It's not time that heals, it's distance. There are too many people who, brokenhearted, wait. Waiting solves nothing.
It's getting back out there and dating other people that creates distance. Dating others after she leaves you is not cheating. It is not a renunciation of your relationship. What do you suppose that she is doing?
I see that you posted this anonymously, I don't think that you had to. What you are going through is a fairly universal experience. I don't say that to belittle you, or make it worse, I would hope that it makes it better.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 1:28 AM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Please don't take this the wrong way, I know that you're hurting, but most of us have gone through something similar.
Even if it is a mistake, something you said, something she misunderstood, somehow you drifted apart...
There exists the possibility that it is over. There may be nothing that you can say or do to change it.
I hope that I am wrong. I hope that you can work it out.
I can only share my experience. As terrible as I felt that my life was, as bad as I thought things were, I never thought, "No one has ever felt this." "I am the first person to hurt this way." I always realized that, even though things feel the worst that they could possibly be, I am not the first person to go through this. It sucks, but it's survivable.
You can't feel good about this, you can't want people to tell you, "give it time, you'll get over it." I know she's special. Maybe it will work out. But if it doesn't, nothing is "for the best." Nothing is, "meant to be." It just sucks. It's terrible. It's painful. But it does end.
Some people say to give it time. These people are wrong. It's not time that heals, it's distance. There are too many people who, brokenhearted, wait. Waiting solves nothing.
It's getting back out there and dating other people that creates distance. Dating others after she leaves you is not cheating. It is not a renunciation of your relationship. What do you suppose that she is doing?
I see that you posted this anonymously, I don't think that you had to. What you are going through is a fairly universal experience. I don't say that to belittle you, or make it worse, I would hope that it makes it better.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 1:28 AM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
The real problem that brought us down in recent months grew out of a failure to communicate.
You may be right, but also, I'd be prepared for her to have her own theory on why things didn't work out and to not understand yours right away.
posted by salvia at 7:56 AM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
You may be right, but also, I'd be prepared for her to have her own theory on why things didn't work out and to not understand yours right away.
posted by salvia at 7:56 AM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Go and see her and talk to her about this. See if she's interested in getting back together. There is a good chance she isn't. There isn't some trick here that will win her back. And no one here knows more about your relationship then you do.
If she is not interested in starting things up again, then your best bet is to move one. A friendship with an ex you love but who doesn't love you is a recipe for disaster and loneliness.
posted by chunking express at 8:57 AM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
If she is not interested in starting things up again, then your best bet is to move one. A friendship with an ex you love but who doesn't love you is a recipe for disaster and loneliness.
posted by chunking express at 8:57 AM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
The grand gesture is an apology for whatever strikes your fancy and an admission that you were wrong to break up. If her response to this is anything other than "you know, you might be right...", then back off. Take it from there.
posted by Caviar at 6:49 PM on February 11, 2009
posted by Caviar at 6:49 PM on February 11, 2009
The closeness we used to have eroded, and so we broke it off, because it felt like the fun and laughter and understanding--and, I guess, the spark--had faded after all the distance that had been built during that stressful period between us.
There's a clue to what needs fixing. Can you? People and relationships go through difficult times. The test of a relationship's strength is what you (two) do with the low periods.
You asked how to fix the damage, but maybe you need to ask "Can you fix the damage?" first. Start with an honest assessment of your role in the decline and breakup. How could you personally do better next time a relationship is stressed? I don't mean to imply that you caused the breakup. But owning your role in it (or lack of a role, if that's relevant) will help you know whether and how, to try to fix this one.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 10:01 AM on February 13, 2009
There's a clue to what needs fixing. Can you? People and relationships go through difficult times. The test of a relationship's strength is what you (two) do with the low periods.
You asked how to fix the damage, but maybe you need to ask "Can you fix the damage?" first. Start with an honest assessment of your role in the decline and breakup. How could you personally do better next time a relationship is stressed? I don't mean to imply that you caused the breakup. But owning your role in it (or lack of a role, if that's relevant) will help you know whether and how, to try to fix this one.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 10:01 AM on February 13, 2009
My boyfriend and I have both said to each other, "If I try to break up with you, ever, fight it. Just give me a really hard time and make the painful efforts." Even if this means I want to be rid of him someday and change my name and phone number and move to Ukraine or something, I really hope he does.
You know if what you had is worth incredibly painful conversations and long recovery time. If it is, then of course you should give this a shot. At least you will know that you have done all you can. I'm not suggesting you stalk her or anything. The letter was a fine idea. So is meeting her. Tell you love and miss her, go through what went wrong honestly like you did here.
posted by shadowfelldown at 6:18 PM on February 14, 2009
You know if what you had is worth incredibly painful conversations and long recovery time. If it is, then of course you should give this a shot. At least you will know that you have done all you can. I'm not suggesting you stalk her or anything. The letter was a fine idea. So is meeting her. Tell you love and miss her, go through what went wrong honestly like you did here.
posted by shadowfelldown at 6:18 PM on February 14, 2009
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Yes, that will happen. It's happened to everybody, ever.
Yes, it's rough. Yes, you want her back.
But you need to let it go.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:42 PM on February 10, 2009 [1 favorite]