My parents are possibly insane.
February 6, 2009 3:41 PM Subscribe
How do I deal with my mother's anxiety and my father's various problems?
If you look at my posting history, you know who I am.
20-year-old college student, currently taking a year off to deal with some problems.
Currently dealing with my OWN problems; do not want to get sucked into theirs. Seriously.
My mother has anxiety that is bad enough to affect the way she, I, and my father interact. Example - she exploded at me today because she thought I had rewired my cell phone to not take calls from her when the SIM card wasn't working and I told her I had absolutely no intent to filter her calls. It is nigh-impossible to do this on the cell phone I have. When she gets into arguments, she loses her head, and sometimes when I don't do something she wants, she threatens to cease paying my tuition, which often makes me either cave, if I can stand to, or lose my own temper. She has a terrible tendency to not be rational.
My father has bladder problems, eats nothing but fatty foods and tries to persuade me and Mom to do the same despite the fact that I'm trying to eat healthier and Mom's trying to eat a little healthy, and is generally depressed.
I'm dealing with my own issues - being treated for depression which I may be coming off of or may not be coming off of yet, dealing with my own existential issues and some other emotional stuff, and other things, and really do not want my parents to drag me down.
If you look at my posting history, you know who I am.
20-year-old college student, currently taking a year off to deal with some problems.
Currently dealing with my OWN problems; do not want to get sucked into theirs. Seriously.
My mother has anxiety that is bad enough to affect the way she, I, and my father interact. Example - she exploded at me today because she thought I had rewired my cell phone to not take calls from her when the SIM card wasn't working and I told her I had absolutely no intent to filter her calls. It is nigh-impossible to do this on the cell phone I have. When she gets into arguments, she loses her head, and sometimes when I don't do something she wants, she threatens to cease paying my tuition, which often makes me either cave, if I can stand to, or lose my own temper. She has a terrible tendency to not be rational.
My father has bladder problems, eats nothing but fatty foods and tries to persuade me and Mom to do the same despite the fact that I'm trying to eat healthier and Mom's trying to eat a little healthy, and is generally depressed.
I'm dealing with my own issues - being treated for depression which I may be coming off of or may not be coming off of yet, dealing with my own existential issues and some other emotional stuff, and other things, and really do not want my parents to drag me down.
A friend of mine had similar issues at your age, and simply made the decision to cut the cord. Stopped taking tuition or any other form of support from them.
It set him back a few years in college, but he's never regretted the decision. He still occasionally gets involved in the emotional drama, but the knowledge that he can just walk away helps immensely.
Bottom line: they're grown ups, and their problems are not your.
posted by tkolar at 4:04 PM on February 6, 2009 [2 favorites]
It set him back a few years in college, but he's never regretted the decision. He still occasionally gets involved in the emotional drama, but the knowledge that he can just walk away helps immensely.
Bottom line: they're grown ups, and their problems are not your.
posted by tkolar at 4:04 PM on February 6, 2009 [2 favorites]
tkolar is on the right track.
There comes a time in many people's lives when they have to divorce themselves from the parental units. Most of my siblings have done this, myself included. This doesn't mean you have to cut all contact, btw.
Honestly, when you look at them as people instead of parents the fog starts to lift. If these people are not healthy for you then it is time to put some miles between you so you can grow and develope independently.
You are not responsible for them and their crazy choices and for your own sake you seem to realize that they are having a negative impact on you.
Get some space and let yourself heal.
posted by trinity8-director at 4:26 PM on February 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
There comes a time in many people's lives when they have to divorce themselves from the parental units. Most of my siblings have done this, myself included. This doesn't mean you have to cut all contact, btw.
Honestly, when you look at them as people instead of parents the fog starts to lift. If these people are not healthy for you then it is time to put some miles between you so you can grow and develope independently.
You are not responsible for them and their crazy choices and for your own sake you seem to realize that they are having a negative impact on you.
Get some space and let yourself heal.
posted by trinity8-director at 4:26 PM on February 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I wish I had some magical answer, but all you can do is let it quit bothering you.
My mom does the same sorts of things your mom does; she's really anxiety-full, hardly ever rational, and freaks out and takes things out on me when she does. My dad had a slew of health problems and would not eat healthily. This used to really upset me when... yeah, when I was 20 years old and in college. I'm 24 now.
My dad ended up dying last year, albeit of a drug that was twice the dosage it should have been. (It was recalled... after a bunch of people died.) My mom is worse about a lot of the same stuff, better about some of it, and worse about a lot of new things.
All I did was quit worrying about it. I think, in a weird way, in the past I felt like it was my duty to worry for and about my parents. Like I didn't love them if I didn't worry, and someone had to worry about them. I think I also had the idea that if I worried enough, I would find some magical solution. But really, worrying doesn't change anything. It just ruins your life. Your parents are going to keep having their dysfunctions and making bad decisions, and you can either be miserable about it or be okay. I had to keep telling myself this for years, and by the time I was 22 or so I had quit actively worrying about things much. Things crop up on occasion but I just remind myself "you can be miserable or not be miserable" and I snap out of it.
Now, the couple times my mom has said something that's truly upset me I've just kept my mouth shut, allowed myself time to mull it over and be a little upset, and then I get over it. I came to terms that my dad was probably going to die because he wouldn't take care of himself, and there was nothing I could do about it. It just got easier and easier for me to accept the more I was conscious of my feelings, and by the time he died, I grieved but was overall okay.
My mom finds new ways to get under my skin, and my initial reaction is usually to be upset but lately, after internalizing that it's not worth the energy to be angry/sad/whatever over it, it just doesn't bother me for very long. Really, one piece of concrete advise I would give you is to stay completely calm when your mom freaks out, because at least in my experience, people like that will feed off any reaction you give them. It takes some practice because generally, to stay calm, you have to actually not be affected by the things they're saying. That part is hard at first. It takes practice but you can get there eventually. If my mom freaked out about something like the SIM card situation you describe, I know my instinct would be to get really annoyed because what the hell, that's so irrational, and it's so annoying and insulting she'd think I'd block calls from her, right? That really drives things downhill, though. In situations like that, I stop for a second, think about what they need to hear to feel better, and I'd say something like, "What? ::laugh:: Oh god, no, of course I'm not blocking your calls! I'm so sorry you couldn't reach me, you must have been really worried. My SIM card is being a pain."
The things that are hardest to get through, at least for me, are when their bad decisions have some effect on me. For example, my mom's bad financial decisions impact me. Similarly, your mom threatens to quit paying your tuition. In situations like that, I always have a nagging feeling that I should say something more, or I shouldn't let her "get away with" doing this or that because it effects me, I shouldn't just brush it off because I'm giving her the message she can do that sort of thing. But the thing is, again, it doesn't solve anything if I let it make me angry or miserable. I can either be pissed off and screwed over or okay and screwed over, right? So right now I've had to firmly tell my mom that she needs to get her money in order because we have some joint credit lines. She isn't doing much of anything, and it's annoying. But sitting around being anxious about it won't change anything, and yelling at her is just going to make her feel like I"m being unreasonable, so I just keep being firm but I don't let myself feel very emotionally invested in it. There are times when being angry can show people you're serious and make things happen, but it's usually better to stay calm and not freak out. I also gave it some thought and I think as long as you're firm, you're not giving them the single that they can manipulate you or take advantage of you or what-have-you.
One way to start hammering this in is to pay attention to whenever you feel upset, whether you're sad or angry or anxious. This is pretty easy to notice, since it's not a good feeling. Tell yourself you don't have to feel that way, and figure out why it is you do. Think about what you can do/say to keep the situation from escalating, even if it goes against your instinct. I take special note of whenever I want to say something to someone in an unfriendly way, because really, there are very few situations where such a thing is worthwhile or even justified. On a rational level, I realize that I could feasibly go my whole life without it being helpful for me to get an attitude with someone. That helps a lot. When I get the urge to be nasty to someone, I stop, tell myself it's not necessary to feel that way, and certainly being nice will make my life easier. It's been a huge help, and it diffuses most negative people. For the few people that it doesn't, I can be sure that being negative right back would not have made things any easier, and on the plus side I don't feel very emotionally invested in the situation, so I win either way. I think that will help more with your mom than with your dad.
In short, the way you deal with it is to realize you can't control them, and the only thing you have any decent amount of control over is how you feel about the situation.
posted by Nattie at 4:30 PM on February 6, 2009 [6 favorites]
My mom does the same sorts of things your mom does; she's really anxiety-full, hardly ever rational, and freaks out and takes things out on me when she does. My dad had a slew of health problems and would not eat healthily. This used to really upset me when... yeah, when I was 20 years old and in college. I'm 24 now.
My dad ended up dying last year, albeit of a drug that was twice the dosage it should have been. (It was recalled... after a bunch of people died.) My mom is worse about a lot of the same stuff, better about some of it, and worse about a lot of new things.
All I did was quit worrying about it. I think, in a weird way, in the past I felt like it was my duty to worry for and about my parents. Like I didn't love them if I didn't worry, and someone had to worry about them. I think I also had the idea that if I worried enough, I would find some magical solution. But really, worrying doesn't change anything. It just ruins your life. Your parents are going to keep having their dysfunctions and making bad decisions, and you can either be miserable about it or be okay. I had to keep telling myself this for years, and by the time I was 22 or so I had quit actively worrying about things much. Things crop up on occasion but I just remind myself "you can be miserable or not be miserable" and I snap out of it.
Now, the couple times my mom has said something that's truly upset me I've just kept my mouth shut, allowed myself time to mull it over and be a little upset, and then I get over it. I came to terms that my dad was probably going to die because he wouldn't take care of himself, and there was nothing I could do about it. It just got easier and easier for me to accept the more I was conscious of my feelings, and by the time he died, I grieved but was overall okay.
My mom finds new ways to get under my skin, and my initial reaction is usually to be upset but lately, after internalizing that it's not worth the energy to be angry/sad/whatever over it, it just doesn't bother me for very long. Really, one piece of concrete advise I would give you is to stay completely calm when your mom freaks out, because at least in my experience, people like that will feed off any reaction you give them. It takes some practice because generally, to stay calm, you have to actually not be affected by the things they're saying. That part is hard at first. It takes practice but you can get there eventually. If my mom freaked out about something like the SIM card situation you describe, I know my instinct would be to get really annoyed because what the hell, that's so irrational, and it's so annoying and insulting she'd think I'd block calls from her, right? That really drives things downhill, though. In situations like that, I stop for a second, think about what they need to hear to feel better, and I'd say something like, "What? ::laugh:: Oh god, no, of course I'm not blocking your calls! I'm so sorry you couldn't reach me, you must have been really worried. My SIM card is being a pain."
The things that are hardest to get through, at least for me, are when their bad decisions have some effect on me. For example, my mom's bad financial decisions impact me. Similarly, your mom threatens to quit paying your tuition. In situations like that, I always have a nagging feeling that I should say something more, or I shouldn't let her "get away with" doing this or that because it effects me, I shouldn't just brush it off because I'm giving her the message she can do that sort of thing. But the thing is, again, it doesn't solve anything if I let it make me angry or miserable. I can either be pissed off and screwed over or okay and screwed over, right? So right now I've had to firmly tell my mom that she needs to get her money in order because we have some joint credit lines. She isn't doing much of anything, and it's annoying. But sitting around being anxious about it won't change anything, and yelling at her is just going to make her feel like I"m being unreasonable, so I just keep being firm but I don't let myself feel very emotionally invested in it. There are times when being angry can show people you're serious and make things happen, but it's usually better to stay calm and not freak out. I also gave it some thought and I think as long as you're firm, you're not giving them the single that they can manipulate you or take advantage of you or what-have-you.
One way to start hammering this in is to pay attention to whenever you feel upset, whether you're sad or angry or anxious. This is pretty easy to notice, since it's not a good feeling. Tell yourself you don't have to feel that way, and figure out why it is you do. Think about what you can do/say to keep the situation from escalating, even if it goes against your instinct. I take special note of whenever I want to say something to someone in an unfriendly way, because really, there are very few situations where such a thing is worthwhile or even justified. On a rational level, I realize that I could feasibly go my whole life without it being helpful for me to get an attitude with someone. That helps a lot. When I get the urge to be nasty to someone, I stop, tell myself it's not necessary to feel that way, and certainly being nice will make my life easier. It's been a huge help, and it diffuses most negative people. For the few people that it doesn't, I can be sure that being negative right back would not have made things any easier, and on the plus side I don't feel very emotionally invested in the situation, so I win either way. I think that will help more with your mom than with your dad.
In short, the way you deal with it is to realize you can't control them, and the only thing you have any decent amount of control over is how you feel about the situation.
posted by Nattie at 4:30 PM on February 6, 2009 [6 favorites]
I reacted similarly to tkolar's friend- when they used financial help as leverage to make threats against me, i just cut the cord. my mother was so irrational i couldnt figure out what the hell was going on. after a couple years, it just stopped.
a couple years later we talked about it and she confessed to me that she has been going through 'the change' at the time and she thought that was a big part of what was affecting her mood/ causing her anxiety. don't know if that's your mom's problem, but it could be. or in my case it could have just been that i stopped letting her have control over any aspects of my life. i listened to her input but made my own decisions, and made sure she knew that. you gotta do the same. also, i started ending conversations every time she would yell or get irrational. try that. you didn't say you were living at home but i assume thats what you are implying. in my experience, things are just never easy when we're under the same roof.
but really- the threatening not to pay your tuition thing. don't give in. tell her, "if you stop paying my tuition, i'm getting an effing loan. you cannot use this to control me." and you may have to. maybe not. but if they don't have anything to leverage against you, then the arguments will dry up. at least they did for me.
posted by lblair at 4:30 PM on February 6, 2009
a couple years later we talked about it and she confessed to me that she has been going through 'the change' at the time and she thought that was a big part of what was affecting her mood/ causing her anxiety. don't know if that's your mom's problem, but it could be. or in my case it could have just been that i stopped letting her have control over any aspects of my life. i listened to her input but made my own decisions, and made sure she knew that. you gotta do the same. also, i started ending conversations every time she would yell or get irrational. try that. you didn't say you were living at home but i assume thats what you are implying. in my experience, things are just never easy when we're under the same roof.
but really- the threatening not to pay your tuition thing. don't give in. tell her, "if you stop paying my tuition, i'm getting an effing loan. you cannot use this to control me." and you may have to. maybe not. but if they don't have anything to leverage against you, then the arguments will dry up. at least they did for me.
posted by lblair at 4:30 PM on February 6, 2009
Best answer: I empathize. My own mother has a habit of losing her temper, being generally unable to discuss things in an adult manner, and making thoughtless/hurtful comments. I gradually learned that the way to draw all the air out of her sails is to simply not respond to her when she's acting like a child. Whether that means just going quiet and giving her a hard look, or physically retreating, or something in between, depends on the circumstance and the inappropriateness of her actions.
It doesn't stop her from engaging in her old habits, but it does allow me to communicate with her in something approaching a useful way. She'll realize that she's crossed a line with me when I go quiet, and she calms right down.
This may or may not work for you, and it may require a lot of patience on your part. Your mother threatens to take away your financial support because it gets her what she wants. Your task will be to train her that this tactic won't work any more, and to insist that she instead speak to you like a reasonable adult when there is something to be discussed. I wish you luck.
posted by trunk muffins at 4:40 PM on February 6, 2009 [3 favorites]
It doesn't stop her from engaging in her old habits, but it does allow me to communicate with her in something approaching a useful way. She'll realize that she's crossed a line with me when I go quiet, and she calms right down.
This may or may not work for you, and it may require a lot of patience on your part. Your mother threatens to take away your financial support because it gets her what she wants. Your task will be to train her that this tactic won't work any more, and to insist that she instead speak to you like a reasonable adult when there is something to be discussed. I wish you luck.
posted by trunk muffins at 4:40 PM on February 6, 2009 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm not sure what would happen regarding moving out and covering things with a loan. My GPA suffered because of the depression, and I'm trying to pick my GPA up significantly.
The trouble with simply not responding to Mom is the fact that she's going to start accusing me of evading the conversation; she does this to Dad, too. She doesn't run out of steam.
posted by kldickson at 5:32 PM on February 6, 2009
The trouble with simply not responding to Mom is the fact that she's going to start accusing me of evading the conversation; she does this to Dad, too. She doesn't run out of steam.
posted by kldickson at 5:32 PM on February 6, 2009
Response by poster: So far, there's a lot I've learned from your responses! :D
posted by kldickson at 5:34 PM on February 6, 2009
posted by kldickson at 5:34 PM on February 6, 2009
The trouble with simply not responding to Mom is the fact that she's going to start accusing me of evading the conversation
You may need to learn how to just let her do that. She yells about how you're evading the conversation, you say you're not going to have a shouting match. Repeat as necessary. She may not run out of steam, but she also won't break if you ignore her.
Given that you have a year off, you have time to talk to your school's financial aid office and sort out your financial situation (I understand that you're also dealing with your family and depression issues, but I just mean you're not under class deadlines). It would probably make sense to talk to the financial aid counselors at your school even if you don't plan to move out and even if your mom never goes through with her threats to cut off tuition: if you knew for certain that you could pay your own way, and knew step by step what to do, it would probably give you some peace of mind next time your mom starts making threats. Knowledge is good, even if you don't need to use it.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:25 PM on February 6, 2009
You may need to learn how to just let her do that. She yells about how you're evading the conversation, you say you're not going to have a shouting match. Repeat as necessary. She may not run out of steam, but she also won't break if you ignore her.
Given that you have a year off, you have time to talk to your school's financial aid office and sort out your financial situation (I understand that you're also dealing with your family and depression issues, but I just mean you're not under class deadlines). It would probably make sense to talk to the financial aid counselors at your school even if you don't plan to move out and even if your mom never goes through with her threats to cut off tuition: if you knew for certain that you could pay your own way, and knew step by step what to do, it would probably give you some peace of mind next time your mom starts making threats. Knowledge is good, even if you don't need to use it.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:25 PM on February 6, 2009
My own mother has a habit of losing her temper, being generally unable to discuss things in an adult manner, and making thoughtless/hurtful comments. I gradually learned that the way to draw all the air out of her sails is to simply not respond to her when she's acting like a child. Whether that means just going quiet and giving her a hard look, or physically retreating, or something in between, depends on the circumstance and the inappropriateness of her actions.
I can't favorite this enough.
My mother, though I love her dearly, can be very emotionally manipulative and hysterical. She has full blown temper tantrums.
I've realized that the only way to deal with this sort of behavior is the same way you'd deal with any two year old having a temper tantrum: you need to ignore it. So she'll accuse you of evading the conversation. Big deal. If she presses it, tell her that you're upset and need space to cool off, and don't engage--certainly don't let her guilt trip you. That's just more manipulative behavior.
Eventually, she'll get frustrated and give up, even if she's still steamed. That's okay. You're not responsible for your mother's emotions.
I realize that this sounds like "easier said than done." I'm much better with this stuff than I used to be, but my mother still pushes my buttons like nobody's business. I'm not a violent person, but the last time I was home I pushed a chair over during an argument. She's the only person with whom I ever interact like that. But arguing with your mom can bring out the worst in you--it puts you right back into the mental and emotional space of a child, and can be very disabling feeling.
The other key is to create space. Definitely take out loans--this will neutralize the financial threats. I had to buy my own car because my mother would take my keys away at 21 if she was mad at me. Taking away her leverage over that meant it was something that I just didn't worry about any more. Trust me, the debt will be worth it, and you'll be able to concentrate more fully on school. You have no idea how calm your life can potentially be.
Despite the aforementioned fight (which happened after being home for a month--bad idea, and I should have known better), my mother and I generally get along pretty well these days. I really, really think that space is what's saved our relationship.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:35 PM on February 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
I can't favorite this enough.
My mother, though I love her dearly, can be very emotionally manipulative and hysterical. She has full blown temper tantrums.
I've realized that the only way to deal with this sort of behavior is the same way you'd deal with any two year old having a temper tantrum: you need to ignore it. So she'll accuse you of evading the conversation. Big deal. If she presses it, tell her that you're upset and need space to cool off, and don't engage--certainly don't let her guilt trip you. That's just more manipulative behavior.
Eventually, she'll get frustrated and give up, even if she's still steamed. That's okay. You're not responsible for your mother's emotions.
I realize that this sounds like "easier said than done." I'm much better with this stuff than I used to be, but my mother still pushes my buttons like nobody's business. I'm not a violent person, but the last time I was home I pushed a chair over during an argument. She's the only person with whom I ever interact like that. But arguing with your mom can bring out the worst in you--it puts you right back into the mental and emotional space of a child, and can be very disabling feeling.
The other key is to create space. Definitely take out loans--this will neutralize the financial threats. I had to buy my own car because my mother would take my keys away at 21 if she was mad at me. Taking away her leverage over that meant it was something that I just didn't worry about any more. Trust me, the debt will be worth it, and you'll be able to concentrate more fully on school. You have no idea how calm your life can potentially be.
Despite the aforementioned fight (which happened after being home for a month--bad idea, and I should have known better), my mother and I generally get along pretty well these days. I really, really think that space is what's saved our relationship.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:35 PM on February 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
Could she possibly be going through menopause? Has she always been like this?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:34 PM on February 6, 2009
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:34 PM on February 6, 2009
Reading-up a little on the fundamentals of Buddhism (eg. four noble truths, mindfulness, compassion) might help.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 9:04 PM on February 6, 2009
posted by ZenMasterThis at 9:04 PM on February 6, 2009
I have learned two techniques to deal with these types of people. One is silence. They rant, I say, "I am sorry to hear that." and I stop talking. Usually the rant starts back up and when they stop I say, "You are right." even if they are not right or even in their right mind. It is very difficult for someone to keep on arguing with you when you "agree" with them. If they still continue to rant, I usually respond with, "Please take yes for an answer. I agreed with you. What more would you like from me?" Eventually, they run out of steam.
I agree with some of the other responses that suggested cutting the financial strings. A blackmailer, emotional or otherwise, is only successful if they have something to hang over your head. Once I cut financial ties with my folks, I had the upper hand. The relationship with my parents was based on them having money and me not. They would use money or the threat to cut me off to entice me to do things I otherwise would not want to do. Once I decided that I was not taking their money ever again regardless of my own financial situation, I had the upper hand. Although, admittedly, the poor macaroni again for the 5th day in a row upper hand.
What never worked was for me to try to have a rational logical conversation. No matter how much you try or how successful you are at developing a logical argument, an emotional irrational person will never get it. Only two rational people can have a rational conversation. I do think that two irrational people can have successful conversations. I have had conversations with my father where I purposely tried to respond the way I thought he would respond. For example, if my father said I was purposely cutting him off and not answering my phone to avoid him, I would respond with something like, "But I had to because it was raining." Usually after a long pause that would get a frustrated resigned response such as, "You know what I'm talking about. Now stop avoiding me." and he would move onto the next issue. It is almost a competition between my brothers and I to see who can have the strangest conversation with our father.
As simple as it sounds, if you don't let it bother you, it won't.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:14 PM on February 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
I agree with some of the other responses that suggested cutting the financial strings. A blackmailer, emotional or otherwise, is only successful if they have something to hang over your head. Once I cut financial ties with my folks, I had the upper hand. The relationship with my parents was based on them having money and me not. They would use money or the threat to cut me off to entice me to do things I otherwise would not want to do. Once I decided that I was not taking their money ever again regardless of my own financial situation, I had the upper hand. Although, admittedly, the poor macaroni again for the 5th day in a row upper hand.
What never worked was for me to try to have a rational logical conversation. No matter how much you try or how successful you are at developing a logical argument, an emotional irrational person will never get it. Only two rational people can have a rational conversation. I do think that two irrational people can have successful conversations. I have had conversations with my father where I purposely tried to respond the way I thought he would respond. For example, if my father said I was purposely cutting him off and not answering my phone to avoid him, I would respond with something like, "But I had to because it was raining." Usually after a long pause that would get a frustrated resigned response such as, "You know what I'm talking about. Now stop avoiding me." and he would move onto the next issue. It is almost a competition between my brothers and I to see who can have the strangest conversation with our father.
As simple as it sounds, if you don't let it bother you, it won't.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:14 PM on February 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
The trouble with simply not responding to Mom is the fact that she's going to start accusing me of evading the conversation;
Well to be fair, that's exactly what you are doing. For a good reason. And you shouldn't be ashamed of or deny that fact.
You have no duty to sit through a "conversation" with someone who is not respecting you or your time.
posted by tkolar at 9:28 PM on February 6, 2009
Well to be fair, that's exactly what you are doing. For a good reason. And you shouldn't be ashamed of or deny that fact.
You have no duty to sit through a "conversation" with someone who is not respecting you or your time.
posted by tkolar at 9:28 PM on February 6, 2009
I cut financial ties to my family when I was about your age, for many of the same sorts of issues you've raised. It really was a question of my mental health and self respect, or continuing to put up with their mishigoss. My mother was going through menopause at that point, but she had always been like this. In other words, her hormones made the situation just that much worse.
When your parents pay the rent, and they open a crate of crazy in your living room... you feel you have to sit and listen.
When you pay the rent, you can ask them to leave. Even if you don't actually ask, the possibility is there.
Cutting myself off from financial support wasn't easy. Lots of guilt and fear - for them, for me. I was scared that I'd drop out because I wouldn't be able to balance it all, or not be able to cover my rent. That my friends would evaporate, and I'd be on my own. I did lose some friends, mainly because my lifestyle had changed so dramatically and I had very little free time. But the ones I'm still friends with - they stayed, and were happy for me. My GPA actually went up! I lost my freshman fifteen! It was hard, but so, so worth it.
My relationship with my mother, in particular, still hasn't quite recovered - but then again, they are still the same people they have always been, still peddling the same mishigoss. Your own results may vary.
If you do decide to become financially independent from your folks, talk to an academic and financial aid counselor at your school and see what's available to you before you make that decision. You might be surprised at the kind of support your school can give you.
posted by Grrlscout at 12:26 AM on February 7, 2009
When your parents pay the rent, and they open a crate of crazy in your living room... you feel you have to sit and listen.
When you pay the rent, you can ask them to leave. Even if you don't actually ask, the possibility is there.
Cutting myself off from financial support wasn't easy. Lots of guilt and fear - for them, for me. I was scared that I'd drop out because I wouldn't be able to balance it all, or not be able to cover my rent. That my friends would evaporate, and I'd be on my own. I did lose some friends, mainly because my lifestyle had changed so dramatically and I had very little free time. But the ones I'm still friends with - they stayed, and were happy for me. My GPA actually went up! I lost my freshman fifteen! It was hard, but so, so worth it.
My relationship with my mother, in particular, still hasn't quite recovered - but then again, they are still the same people they have always been, still peddling the same mishigoss. Your own results may vary.
If you do decide to become financially independent from your folks, talk to an academic and financial aid counselor at your school and see what's available to you before you make that decision. You might be surprised at the kind of support your school can give you.
posted by Grrlscout at 12:26 AM on February 7, 2009
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posted by grippycat at 4:02 PM on February 6, 2009