Advice on preventing compulsive eating in children
February 4, 2009 8:06 PM Subscribe
I need advice on getting help/treatment for a child who seems to be starting down the path toward a compulsive eating disorder. I'm not a professional, but I've been overweight for my adult life, and I recognize some of my habits in this child. She's 10.
I'm making an appointment with the primary care physician to talk about her ideas, such as a nutritionist. I just want to be somewhat informed before the appointment so the doctor doesn't say, Oh, she's fine, don't worry so much.
I've always emphasized healthy eating and don't eat badly in front of her; we don't keep junk food in the house or eat fast food often. We keep fresh fruit and veggies around for snacks. We don't often eat dessert, and when we do, it's often yogurt or fruit, but she occasionally gets treats, so it's not like complete deprivation or anything. I make sure she has some fun ways to exercise (Wii). I actually think now there may be some genetic component.
I love my daughter so much -- I don't want her to have weight and/or food problems (she's only very slightly overweight now, pretty proportionate, and we are careful to offer support and promote a positive body image).
What is the best help I can get her? A nutritionist? A shrink? Who specializes in compulsive eating disorders?
I'm making an appointment with the primary care physician to talk about her ideas, such as a nutritionist. I just want to be somewhat informed before the appointment so the doctor doesn't say, Oh, she's fine, don't worry so much.
I've always emphasized healthy eating and don't eat badly in front of her; we don't keep junk food in the house or eat fast food often. We keep fresh fruit and veggies around for snacks. We don't often eat dessert, and when we do, it's often yogurt or fruit, but she occasionally gets treats, so it's not like complete deprivation or anything. I make sure she has some fun ways to exercise (Wii). I actually think now there may be some genetic component.
I love my daughter so much -- I don't want her to have weight and/or food problems (she's only very slightly overweight now, pretty proportionate, and we are careful to offer support and promote a positive body image).
What is the best help I can get her? A nutritionist? A shrink? Who specializes in compulsive eating disorders?
It might be helpful if you said something more specific about what behaviors you're seeing that look to you like a disorder.
But in the absence of that, and I mean this without any snark at all, my instinct is that you might start with some conversations with a therapist or someone about your own relationships and issues and get an objective opinion about the extent to which they are shaping your perceptions of your daughter's (or is it "this child's"?) behavior.
posted by RandlePatrickMcMurphy at 8:21 PM on February 4, 2009
But in the absence of that, and I mean this without any snark at all, my instinct is that you might start with some conversations with a therapist or someone about your own relationships and issues and get an objective opinion about the extent to which they are shaping your perceptions of your daughter's (or is it "this child's"?) behavior.
posted by RandlePatrickMcMurphy at 8:21 PM on February 4, 2009
My mom's struggles with and attitudes about her weight affected me a lot as a kid. You might think about a therapist for yourself. I don't mean to be snarky or un-helpful--just, some kids are heavier around 10, 11, 12, and how your parents act around you and talk about weight/health sticks around a lot longer than the childhood chub. I was heavy in middle school and junior high. I got a lot taller and much slimmer around 16, 17, 18, but I still felt like a fat kid because of the attitudes my parents modeled. (They were/are wonderful parents, just didn't really have a great vocabulary for talking about weight, exercise, and nutrition that) That's why I suggest a specialist for yourself before you go trying to treat your daughter. If her pediatrician says she needs to lose weight or exercise more, that's one thing, but some kids are just pudgy at that age.
If you're asking who specializes in compulsive eating disorders, I assume you haven't gotten help for yourself. (I could, of course, be wrong.) It's going to be incredibly hard to effectively model good attitudes and habits around food, exercise, and self-image for your daughter if you haven't gotten a handle on your own issues in those areas. I hope this doesn't come across as harsh, really what I mean is: take care of yourself and your daughter will learn that it's important to take care of herself.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:29 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you're asking who specializes in compulsive eating disorders, I assume you haven't gotten help for yourself. (I could, of course, be wrong.) It's going to be incredibly hard to effectively model good attitudes and habits around food, exercise, and self-image for your daughter if you haven't gotten a handle on your own issues in those areas. I hope this doesn't come across as harsh, really what I mean is: take care of yourself and your daughter will learn that it's important to take care of herself.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:29 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think the advice that you should go to therapy, not her, is absolutely on the right track. It sounds like you have a lot of issues with food and are really scared your daughter will be overweight. If you go to a therapist they can give you advice on how to parent her and can give you constructive feedback about whether her behavior is actually something you need to worry about. I think it's telling that you are predicting that her doctor will blow off your concerns that she is developing an eating disorder.
Also, she's 10, that's a pretty prime age for a growth spurt, 5-10 extra pounds (I really don't know what you mean by very slightly overweight, but it sounds like nothing) will probably melt off as soon as she grows a few inches.
posted by whoaali at 8:32 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, she's 10, that's a pretty prime age for a growth spurt, 5-10 extra pounds (I really don't know what you mean by very slightly overweight, but it sounds like nothing) will probably melt off as soon as she grows a few inches.
posted by whoaali at 8:32 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think it is surely possible that the OP’s experience with eating disorders is coloring his/her perception of the child’s behavior. It is also possible that the child does indeed have issues with food. Even if the child’s weight is only slightly above the normal range, as mine was at the age of 10, it still doesn’t mean that the child does not have the beginnings of an eating disorder. The angle that I feel most people are missing here is that the poster does not say “My child is slightly overweight. Does she have a problem with an eating disorder?” The poster specifically says that s/he notices behaviors that cause him or her to believe that the child may have an abnormal relationship to food.
I am not a doctor, nutritionist, or therapist. You have indicated that you are planning to see someone professional about this situation. I think that’s a very positive step to take, but you’ll have to think carefully about how you want to talk about this experience with your child. It is very easy for a child to infer that there is something wrong or bad about them because of their weight or their relationship with food. This may only exacerbate the situation. An overweight child is probably already receiving this message in many forms – advertising, television, peers, etc. I think it’s really important that she not perceive this as a judgment from you, a trusted adult.
I think you should continue to be a food role model for your child. If your concerns are not taken seriously the first or second time you see the doctor, and you and other adults around the child do feel that there is a possible issue, it may be helpful to take her to a nutritionist or therapist on your own. Alternatively, (or additionally) it might be useful for you to see one of these professionals to think about how you want to talk about/handle the situation with her.
I am posting this because I think it’s likely that you will get a flurry of answers telling you not to worry (or that it's likely your problem), and that is not necessarily the case. I do think it’s worth mentioning again that you might be hyper-aware of her food habits as a parent who has been through an eating disorder. I say this because it’s something that I myself have thought about quite often in terms of parenting. It’s worth seeking the second opinion of your partner/friends that you trust. However, I’m also someone who battled issues with food from a very young age, and I can confirm that these problems can indeed crop up as early as 10. I found out much later that I had a serious hormonal imbalance. Drug therapy made a tremendous difference for me – more than I ever thought possible – but I don’t know how relevant this is to your situation. Feel free to Mefimail/email me if you think it would be helpful to hear more.
posted by theantikitty at 9:28 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
I am not a doctor, nutritionist, or therapist. You have indicated that you are planning to see someone professional about this situation. I think that’s a very positive step to take, but you’ll have to think carefully about how you want to talk about this experience with your child. It is very easy for a child to infer that there is something wrong or bad about them because of their weight or their relationship with food. This may only exacerbate the situation. An overweight child is probably already receiving this message in many forms – advertising, television, peers, etc. I think it’s really important that she not perceive this as a judgment from you, a trusted adult.
I think you should continue to be a food role model for your child. If your concerns are not taken seriously the first or second time you see the doctor, and you and other adults around the child do feel that there is a possible issue, it may be helpful to take her to a nutritionist or therapist on your own. Alternatively, (or additionally) it might be useful for you to see one of these professionals to think about how you want to talk about/handle the situation with her.
I am posting this because I think it’s likely that you will get a flurry of answers telling you not to worry (or that it's likely your problem), and that is not necessarily the case. I do think it’s worth mentioning again that you might be hyper-aware of her food habits as a parent who has been through an eating disorder. I say this because it’s something that I myself have thought about quite often in terms of parenting. It’s worth seeking the second opinion of your partner/friends that you trust. However, I’m also someone who battled issues with food from a very young age, and I can confirm that these problems can indeed crop up as early as 10. I found out much later that I had a serious hormonal imbalance. Drug therapy made a tremendous difference for me – more than I ever thought possible – but I don’t know how relevant this is to your situation. Feel free to Mefimail/email me if you think it would be helpful to hear more.
posted by theantikitty at 9:28 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Kudos for providing healthy food, fun activity, etc. Like other commenters, I'm not clear what makes you concerned about an eating disorder. Pre-teens especially tend to eat a lot from real hunger, and also to get a bit fatter before their bodies change in puberty. And as you mention, genetics has quite a lot to do with body shape and size. In any case, I think these links might be helpful for a kid dealing with an eating disorder and/or for a kid who just happens to be chubby.
The Body Positive is a great organization that, though they come at this from a different angle, might be very helpful.
Also, not sure if this will resonate with you, but even if some of it doesn't I think you might pick out some advice at another website, coincidentally also called body positive.
More ideas on their resource page.
Good luck.
posted by serazin at 9:32 PM on February 4, 2009
The Body Positive is a great organization that, though they come at this from a different angle, might be very helpful.
Also, not sure if this will resonate with you, but even if some of it doesn't I think you might pick out some advice at another website, coincidentally also called body positive.
More ideas on their resource page.
Good luck.
posted by serazin at 9:32 PM on February 4, 2009
I'd recommend you read this book and contact these people to find someone near you who can help. Good luck.
posted by peggynature at 3:59 AM on February 5, 2009
posted by peggynature at 3:59 AM on February 5, 2009
(she's only very slightly overweight now, pretty proportionate, and we are careful to offer support and promote a positive body image)
Honestly, I have to ask "what's the problem?" She's ten and only slightly overweight, what are you worried about? Having raised a daughter and been around plenty of her female friends, I think it's fairly normal for them to still have a bit of baby fat around ten, which rapidly disappears as they go through puberty.
Based solely on what you've written here and being a 3rd party observer, I'll politely suggest that you may be reliving some of your issues through your kid. That doesn't make you a bad parent at all, you want the best for her and you're doing what you should be doing as a parent, trying to make sure her life is better than yours. Perfectly normal and acceptable, but please be careful about worrying over her too much.
Don't worry her about her weight. Instead, encourage her to live a healthy lifestyle. Again, based solely on what you've written here, I'd suggest the two of you doing some sort of physical exercise together. It doesn't have to be anything major, just Saturday afternoon's throwing around a frisbee or going swimming a lot. If she's interested, have her sign up for some sports in whatever she likes.
She's 10, so you've got about 2-4 years before she starts actively pulling away from you and the usual teenage drama starts. I'd strongly encourage you to just have fun with her doing physical activities that give her confidence and cement a bond between the two of you. Realize that once the teenage years hit, she'll probably be consuming a diet consisting of fast food and what not. Don't give her shit for that, just love her and try to spend time with her.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:10 AM on February 5, 2009
Honestly, I have to ask "what's the problem?" She's ten and only slightly overweight, what are you worried about? Having raised a daughter and been around plenty of her female friends, I think it's fairly normal for them to still have a bit of baby fat around ten, which rapidly disappears as they go through puberty.
Based solely on what you've written here and being a 3rd party observer, I'll politely suggest that you may be reliving some of your issues through your kid. That doesn't make you a bad parent at all, you want the best for her and you're doing what you should be doing as a parent, trying to make sure her life is better than yours. Perfectly normal and acceptable, but please be careful about worrying over her too much.
Don't worry her about her weight. Instead, encourage her to live a healthy lifestyle. Again, based solely on what you've written here, I'd suggest the two of you doing some sort of physical exercise together. It doesn't have to be anything major, just Saturday afternoon's throwing around a frisbee or going swimming a lot. If she's interested, have her sign up for some sports in whatever she likes.
She's 10, so you've got about 2-4 years before she starts actively pulling away from you and the usual teenage drama starts. I'd strongly encourage you to just have fun with her doing physical activities that give her confidence and cement a bond between the two of you. Realize that once the teenage years hit, she'll probably be consuming a diet consisting of fast food and what not. Don't give her shit for that, just love her and try to spend time with her.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:10 AM on February 5, 2009
The poster specifically says that s/he notices behaviors that cause him or her to believe that the child may have an abnormal relationship to food.
It's important to remember that just because a child does the same things as a person with an abnormal relationship to food does not mean that child has an abnormal relationship with food.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:16 AM on February 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's important to remember that just because a child does the same things as a person with an abnormal relationship to food does not mean that child has an abnormal relationship with food.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:16 AM on February 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
Are you certain she's not just growing? I promise you, when I was 9 and up until I was 18, I could drink and eat three or four times what I can take in now. I was growing. I wasn't fat and my eating, if I was an adult, might have seemed compulsive, but as a child, it was obvious that I needed the food to help with growth.
I ate six guavas in one afternoon and in less than an hour's time, all while reading a book. I'm a very slim woman now.
posted by anniecat at 6:52 AM on February 5, 2009
I ate six guavas in one afternoon and in less than an hour's time, all while reading a book. I'm a very slim woman now.
posted by anniecat at 6:52 AM on February 5, 2009
The poster specifically says that s/he notices behaviors that cause him or her to believe that the child may have an abnormal relationship to food.
Personally, the reason I jumped to "get help for yourself" so quickly was this: "I recognize some of my habits in this child" alongside this: "A nutritionist? A shrink? Who specializes in compulsive eating disorders?" That indicated to me that she sees problems in her own life but hasn't gotten help for them, but at the same time wants to prevent those problems from affecting her child.
Even if the OP's daughter does have or is developing an eating disorder, how is she going to effectively support treatment if she herself has an untreated disorder?
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:59 AM on February 5, 2009
Personally, the reason I jumped to "get help for yourself" so quickly was this: "I recognize some of my habits in this child" alongside this: "A nutritionist? A shrink? Who specializes in compulsive eating disorders?" That indicated to me that she sees problems in her own life but hasn't gotten help for them, but at the same time wants to prevent those problems from affecting her child.
Even if the OP's daughter does have or is developing an eating disorder, how is she going to effectively support treatment if she herself has an untreated disorder?
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:59 AM on February 5, 2009
Be careful when "offering support and a positive body image". In my experience my friends who grew up with a healthy relationship with food grew up in homes that didn't analyze it to death. There wasn't constant talk about what is healthy and what is not. There wasn't constant talk of "a positive body image" Those things were just done. Healthy foods and lifestyle just were a fact of life, not a constant lesson. I am not sure I am being clear, but the constant focus on the food even if it is in the context of a healthy lesson, is still putting way to much focus on the food. Kids pick up on that and may internilze it in a way you don't intend. Same thing on taking a barely overweight child to a doctor or nutrionist or therapist. You may think you are sending the message " i love you and want these people to help you be the best you can be" but the message they recieve may be more like "my mom thinks i need fixing". And I know that is not what you want to send to your child.
If you talk to her doctor about it, do it in private and don't let her know you think she has the beginnings of a eating disorder. Talk about a self fufilling prophecy. Please think about what you are projecting onto your child before you take that step at all. At 10 she needs a yearly check up anyway around her birthday. Wait until then. she may be a lean machine by that time.
posted by domino at 8:38 AM on February 5, 2009 [2 favorites]
If you talk to her doctor about it, do it in private and don't let her know you think she has the beginnings of a eating disorder. Talk about a self fufilling prophecy. Please think about what you are projecting onto your child before you take that step at all. At 10 she needs a yearly check up anyway around her birthday. Wait until then. she may be a lean machine by that time.
posted by domino at 8:38 AM on February 5, 2009 [2 favorites]
Studies have shown that mothers with a history of disordered eating are more likely to view their children's eating habits negatively, for example assuming they are "greedy," overweight, or eating too much when the child is in fact eating normally. Lying in Weight discusses this phenomenon in some depth and might be worth a read for you.
It's not completely clear from your question that your daughter is in fact on her way to an eating disorder - you may be projecting your struggles with food onto her, or she may in fact be developing an unhealthy attitude towards food. And if she is, it may be genetic, or it may be learned from observing your behavior and your attitude towards your body. That's a moot point, and there may not be a pinpointable answer, and it certainly doesn't mean you're a bad mother. However, it is something you'll have to be aware of.
I am neither a parent nor a doctor, but I have been both a very-slightly-pudgy preteen girl and a grown woman with an eating disorder. I do know that the coming years can be incredibly hard on a young girl, particularly one who perceives herself as "fat." Your daughter and her classmates will all be going through puberty in the next few years, and they will all go through different changes at different rates - she might develop curvy hips that she thinks are "fat" while all the popular girls are still in the skinny gangly growth-spurt stage. Added to that, girls of that age are often starting to feel the pressure to be attractive for the first time - and "attractive" has a pretty narrow definition, especially in middle school/junior high, and thinness is almost always a prerequisite. It can be a time of misperception and misinformation, a time of all surface and no substance.
So be the substance in your daughter's life. Don't express disappointment at her weight, and don't express disappointment at yours when she's around. Frame healthy food and exercise in a context that doesn't deal with weight - e.g. "cookies can make you feel sluggish and low energy" and not "cookies can make you fat." Make sure she knows that you think she's beautiful, and that she has a lot of things to offer the world besides her appearance. I don't have specific advice for exactly what to do and say around her, but a therapist might.
I would definitely recommend talking to a therapist for yourself before you take your daughter to one. Just like children can pick up on their parents' food issues, they can also pick up on their parents' learning to feel healthier and better about themselves.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of good things already. Good luck to you and your daughter.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:44 AM on February 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's not completely clear from your question that your daughter is in fact on her way to an eating disorder - you may be projecting your struggles with food onto her, or she may in fact be developing an unhealthy attitude towards food. And if she is, it may be genetic, or it may be learned from observing your behavior and your attitude towards your body. That's a moot point, and there may not be a pinpointable answer, and it certainly doesn't mean you're a bad mother. However, it is something you'll have to be aware of.
I am neither a parent nor a doctor, but I have been both a very-slightly-pudgy preteen girl and a grown woman with an eating disorder. I do know that the coming years can be incredibly hard on a young girl, particularly one who perceives herself as "fat." Your daughter and her classmates will all be going through puberty in the next few years, and they will all go through different changes at different rates - she might develop curvy hips that she thinks are "fat" while all the popular girls are still in the skinny gangly growth-spurt stage. Added to that, girls of that age are often starting to feel the pressure to be attractive for the first time - and "attractive" has a pretty narrow definition, especially in middle school/junior high, and thinness is almost always a prerequisite. It can be a time of misperception and misinformation, a time of all surface and no substance.
So be the substance in your daughter's life. Don't express disappointment at her weight, and don't express disappointment at yours when she's around. Frame healthy food and exercise in a context that doesn't deal with weight - e.g. "cookies can make you feel sluggish and low energy" and not "cookies can make you fat." Make sure she knows that you think she's beautiful, and that she has a lot of things to offer the world besides her appearance. I don't have specific advice for exactly what to do and say around her, but a therapist might.
I would definitely recommend talking to a therapist for yourself before you take your daughter to one. Just like children can pick up on their parents' food issues, they can also pick up on their parents' learning to feel healthier and better about themselves.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of good things already. Good luck to you and your daughter.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:44 AM on February 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by sweetkid at 8:18 PM on February 4, 2009