Regarding trust in a relationship.

February 3, 2009 12:48 AM

Regarding trust in a relationship

This thread is pretty dumbfounded but I somehow want to complain to you metafilters.

I recently got involved in a relationship.

A month later (our 1st anniversary), I called up my gf and wish her happy 1st month anniversary and yada yada. In that phone call, she said that she had actually cheated on me approximately 2 weeks into our relationship. Cheated = made out with a friend of hers several times.

I asked why. She said that I hadn't been treating her very well in that period of time. That is due to me not really being able to spend time with her due to my assignments and also me being very negatively thinking regarding our relationship (i.e. i am not good enough for her or not as compatible with her compare to other of her friends).

I wasn't angry with her at that time she confronted me. I am not sure if its because i truly love her and am able to forgive whatever she does or maybe its due to the fact that my love for her isn't so strong that I do not really care much about her.

I knew of the guy that she made out with. I knew that she liked him. She had told me before that she doesn't like him at all and just takes him as a good friend. However, i guess my trust was betrayed.

Sometimes when i hug her now, i'll think of the things that she and the guy do. I guess the only way for me to forget about those matter is time.

I will be going back to Melbourne to study for approximately 5-6 months and my decision now would be ending our relationship as I do not want to be in a relationship where I have to worry about my gf everyday, thinking what she might do to betray my trust again.

Is this a viable decision?

p.s. sorry for the badly constructed sentences.

posted by red_rika to Human Relations (30 answers total)

One month in and she cheated on you? Move on. The milk's spoiled and won't get any fresher.
posted by codswallop at 12:51 AM on February 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think it's a better than viable decision.
posted by taz at 12:53 AM on February 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Two weeks? You didn't ever even HAVE a relationship, man. Move on.
posted by rokusan at 12:55 AM on February 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

Yeah, definitely break up. Nothing to gain, so much to lose.
posted by Phire at 1:23 AM on February 3, 2009

Hmmm. Had commitment been established two weeks in? She might not have considered you her boyfriend yet. Only you (or your girlfriend) could answer that.

If you could reasonably assume that the two of you were "exclusive" at that point, but she still cheated on you, then dump her already! If she cheats on you in the honeymoon phase, imagine how much cheating she will do later on. It's not just cheating, either. It shows she is dishonest and doesn't respect you. There are a bazillion women out there who will show you the same loyalty that I assume you would show to them. Get one of those.
posted by giggleknickers at 1:37 AM on February 3, 2009

Been there, done that. It only goes downhill from here my friend. Move on.
posted by barc0001 at 1:44 AM on February 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

im going to agree with everyone else move on!
posted by moochoo at 2:05 AM on February 3, 2009

I had typed up a big long response, then re-read your question and deleted it.

if after a month she feels you're not giving her enough attention, then there's not really any way you'll hold on to her for 5-6 months long-distance.

break it off, land on your feet, it'll work out for the better.
posted by meowN at 2:22 AM on February 3, 2009 [4 favorites]

Yes, this is an open and shut case. She can't manage two weeks without cheating on you and then does the typical passive-aggressive thing of making out like it's your fault and that she has no responsibility for her own actions. She's selfish and immature. You're better off looking for someone else. If you stay with her, she will cheat again. And again. And again.

Basically, DTMFA.
posted by idiomatika at 2:52 AM on February 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Sorry for not making my statement that clear. I have actually known her for more than 5 years and we kinda get very close when I am in Melbourne. And after I got back to my country to see her, we are just like a normal couple except that I hadn't ask her to be a steady partner due to some reasons. So basically we have been together for around 3 - 4 months. But i know, cheating 3-4 months into the relationship is quite bad. However, what about second chance? Cause I kinda believe that everyone deserves a second chance. But at the back of my head, I am still worrying that I might be betrayed again.
posted by red_rika at 3:06 AM on February 3, 2009

Response by poster: I'm sorry i made a terribly bad typo mistake in my statement

"I knew of the guy that she made out with. I knew that she liked him. She had told me before that she doesn't like him at all and just takes him as a good friend. However, i guess my trust was betrayed. "

Its actually I knew that he liked her.
posted by red_rika at 3:21 AM on February 3, 2009

Hey, you know that honeymoon period where you think the other person is the BEST in the world and you want to spend every damn second with them? While it makes you dumb, it's also important for bonding. I was in a very similar situation and I realized that I would never bond with the guy because the honeymoon period had ended so abruptly and I couldn't stop thinking about the incident. I'm glad I moved on because I love a great guy now and I'm still riding on that honeymoon period going on two months and not only is it wonderful, it allows us to get to know each other without playing games and worry.
posted by melissam at 3:32 AM on February 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

But i know, cheating 3-4 months into the relationship is quite bad.

listen to this gut feeling you have.


Its actually I knew that he liked her.

it takes two to tango, as they say.
posted by meowN at 3:33 AM on February 3, 2009

Response by poster: Thanks metafilters for the the answers.

I am just afraid that if i were to break up with her, I am not able to find someone as attractive as her (minus the cheating part). Although she isn't the perfect perfect girl for me, I am quite contented with her. I am not a guy who has many many female friends thus am worry about the future.

But that being said, I know that being in a relationship that you worry everyday isn't healthy at all and will lead to self-destruction.

Sorry for typing this useless reply.
posted by red_rika at 3:48 AM on February 3, 2009

You said in one of your past questions that you are 21 years old. Don't worry about it, man. Life is long. Statistically, you will not meet the love of your life at 21. And you definitely should not be worrying about "never finding someone else" at 21, especially not when the girl in question has cheated on you. You never know what will happen on later in life - maybe you'll find a job with female friends, maybe you'll move to a different city. Hell, you're going to Melbourne for 5-6 months, and that's a whole new set of opportunities there.

I get the sense that you're a little bit afraid of being alone, but the person you eventually spend the rest of your life with shouldn't be someone you're just "content" with. They should be the other member of a two-person-team-against-the-world. You should be able to trust them, and they should in turn live up to that trust.

I'm about your age, and I get how annoying it can be for people to say "Oh, you're just young, don't worry about it". But in this situation, I honestly believe that you would be wasting your time and life if you tried to stay with her. Don't make yourself miserable.
posted by Phire at 3:53 AM on February 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am just afraid that if i were to break up with her, I am not able to find someone as attractive as her
This is among the worst of all reasons to stay in a relationship with someone who has not treated you well.

She has not treated you well.

I'm not a DTMFA sort, but your investment in this relationship at this point is low. I think moving on is the best course of action.
posted by DWRoelands at 3:57 AM on February 3, 2009

I am not able to find someone as attractive as her (minus the cheating part).

You don't have her to lose. You never did.

This is the part you need to swallow.
posted by rokusan at 4:15 AM on February 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

One thing I've learned over a very long time is that if a relationship isn't good in the beginning, it only gets worse.
This relationship will not get better.
You will meet someone better and more suited to you, trust me. This happens Every. Time.
My biggest regret in relationships were wasting years in stinkers that I always hoped would get better, and never did, and the longer you try to make a relationship work that isn't meant to, the harder it is when it ends.
It sounds like you're already head over for this girl, but it also sounds (sorry) that she's not that much into you. It's harsh, but it's the truth, and you running fast in the other direction is the best option. You will look back and thank yourself for getting out early, I promise you.
Speaking from the girls point of view, what she is doing (no matter what she is telling you) is showing you how she feels about you. In my younger, self centered immature days, I would pull BS like this as well. I was an asshole, and I was using guys like you as fallbacks, or because I was emotionally insecure.
An easy way to judge her feelings towards you is to pretend you are her. Would you do to her what she has done to you if you loved her? Don't make excuses for her either. Thats lying to yourself.
Get out now. it won't get better. Give yourself a chance to find someone who makes you happy. They are out there somewhere.
posted by newpotato at 4:32 AM on February 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am just afraid that if i were to break up with her, I am not able to find someone as attractive as her

Not only is this not true, it is a terrible reason to stay in a relationship. Never stay in a bad relationship because you think it's better than nothing. It isn't.

Sorry everybody here is kind of jumping on you for this, but honestly, based on the information you've given here, you should break up with her.
posted by number9dream at 9:27 AM on February 3, 2009

You are making a great call to break up with her. If you can set someone that you are attracted to on the shelf because they hurt you, you will be gaining confidence regarding who you are because you are treating yourself right. This will help you later on in other relationships. Good call.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:36 AM on February 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks metafilterians for the answers.

But what if, what if she has really changed to be a much better person, wouldn't I be wasting this opportunity (our relationship) that I have now?

p.s. I am sorry for contradicting what everyone says, it feels like there is no purpose in this post as I am not really accepting everyone's opinions.
posted by red_rika at 9:37 AM on February 3, 2009

Dump her, don't be especially nice about it, but dont burn any bridges. Just tell her you dont have time to deal with that bullshit and you dont want to see her again.

Also, I remember when I was in my first relationship with a really hot girl, and I thought it couldn't get any better then that. It does, and it will for you. Just work on yourself, and you will be amazed at how much better you can do for yourself.

CONFIDENCE.
posted by BobbyDigital at 9:41 AM on February 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Seriously?

People don't just change. Find someone better who is closer to you, there are literally billions of other girls out there, you shouldn't bend over backwards for some immature jerk.

Grow up and dump her and move on!
posted by BobbyDigital at 9:42 AM on February 3, 2009

No dude. There is no opportunity. That isn't a relationship.
posted by Xany at 9:48 AM on February 3, 2009

Second chances are for people that you have so much invested in, you're willing to gamble that they'll change. 4 months is not a major investment. Yeah, the cheating itself was bad but the real concern with this girl is her lack of trustworthiness. Drop her. You will find someone better for you.
posted by Happydaz at 9:50 AM on February 3, 2009

Response by poster: thank you metafilterians. you guys have been a great help.

thread closed. :)
posted by red_rika at 9:55 AM on February 3, 2009

Well, something similar happened to me once—one month into the relationship, she went off with another one of her friends and had sex with some other dude, and I found out about three months later. Now, there were maybe extenuating circumstances in my case (I'm still not sure what "I don't know if I was raped" means, but I do know she was fucked up).

That relationship ended with her cheating on me again.

Now, on the whole, it was still a pretty good relationship. I was 22, she was hot, we stayed together for a year and a half and had a lot of fun. It hurt a lot when we broke up for good, and I was all mewly and craven about it. But then, in the span of about a month and a half, I hooked up with two other girls who were just as hot. I'm still with the second of those two, and things are pretty great. In the end, the only thing I kinda regret about that relationship where she cheated on me was that when I had the opportunity, I didn't cheat and I totally could have. But now I don't want to, and I can at least say that I've never cheated on anyone.

So, break up, or don't, but at least be honest with yourself about where this is going and who you are. I know that feeling of desperation, where you think nothing will be this good again, but with the perspective of a couple of years, yeah, things will be. Relax.
posted by klangklangston at 10:42 AM on February 3, 2009

You are young, and she is not very devoted to you. You seem to be hanging onto something for fear rather than any sort of love.

She is not the only attractive girl you'll ever meet, and you will probably find someone more compatible too.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:23 AM on February 3, 2009

I'm agreeing with everyone here in the thread, but as you seem resistant to moving on, think back to that discussion you had with her when she said she cheated on you and then blamed your treatment of her. Did she show any remorse at all?

She doesn't sound like she's turning over a new leaf to me, like she's genuinely sorry she messed up and trying hard to make up for it.

Instead, it sounds like you don't have the best self-esteem and she is trading off of this low opinion you have of yourself to justify really crappy behavior on her part.

This is not a healthy relationship for you, no matter how pretty she is on the outside. Let it go.
posted by misha at 5:42 PM on February 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: She sounded really remorse when she confessed to me. Anyhow, I have made my decision and will be breaking up with her. But we have actually paid for a holiday tour before she confessed to me. We will be going in around 2 weeks time. So I am currently now putting on a mask everyday when I am with her. Now, I feel like I am cheating on her.
posted by red_rika at 7:27 PM on February 3, 2009