Help me figure out his intentions
January 30, 2009 5:10 PM Subscribe
Yet another dating question. Maintaining constant contact but not actually asking me out again - what's the deal?
Met him online two months ago. Met up regularly for the first six weeks, and communicated frequently between dates. Three weeks ago was the last time we had a date (one that I initiated) - and this was just watching TV at my place, followed by him spending the night. We didn't sleep together, but we did fool around. There was a little incident with ED - which I think we managed to breeze past, but I'm not sure how serious this is to some guys.
The days immediately following he was a bit quiet - I figured perhaps he was embarrassed, or it wasn't good for him (no sexual chemistry on his end, maybe), or something. He then emailed me asking how I was, suggesting we do something soon and apologized for the "sporadic contact." We then made plans for that weekend, which fell through after he said he was tired and not feeling great, and I suggested we take a rain check.
Since then, he has been sick. Or maybe it's "sick." Last weekend he asked if I would be free to meet up if/when he felt better, I replied "sure, let me know" but said I had to play that weekend by ear as I was getting a new dog and wanted to concentrate on that. He emailed me throughout the weekend, asking how the dog was adjusting, telling me what he was watching on TV, etc. Boring, but frequent, contact.
That was the last time he suggested getting together. He's been emailing me several times a day, every day, (almost) always the one to initiate. Sending me pictures of his nieces, asking how my day is going, very friendly and normal stuff - just minus the actual, you know, SEEING each other part. I'm always receptive to his emails.
So - is he just keeping me on ice while he pursues other options? (We've both logged onto the dating site since we've been dating, not that I've, um, checked his profile or anything.) Perhaps he's just actually sick and/or busy? Backing off because he senses I'm not into him? Why would someone care to maintain communication with someone they were just getting to know, unless they were still interested?
This is frustrating as I've really enjoyed every date we've had, minus the last awkward one. I'm hoping that didn't kill everything for him.
Any advice on how I should proceed will be much appreciated!
Met him online two months ago. Met up regularly for the first six weeks, and communicated frequently between dates. Three weeks ago was the last time we had a date (one that I initiated) - and this was just watching TV at my place, followed by him spending the night. We didn't sleep together, but we did fool around. There was a little incident with ED - which I think we managed to breeze past, but I'm not sure how serious this is to some guys.
The days immediately following he was a bit quiet - I figured perhaps he was embarrassed, or it wasn't good for him (no sexual chemistry on his end, maybe), or something. He then emailed me asking how I was, suggesting we do something soon and apologized for the "sporadic contact." We then made plans for that weekend, which fell through after he said he was tired and not feeling great, and I suggested we take a rain check.
Since then, he has been sick. Or maybe it's "sick." Last weekend he asked if I would be free to meet up if/when he felt better, I replied "sure, let me know" but said I had to play that weekend by ear as I was getting a new dog and wanted to concentrate on that. He emailed me throughout the weekend, asking how the dog was adjusting, telling me what he was watching on TV, etc. Boring, but frequent, contact.
That was the last time he suggested getting together. He's been emailing me several times a day, every day, (almost) always the one to initiate. Sending me pictures of his nieces, asking how my day is going, very friendly and normal stuff - just minus the actual, you know, SEEING each other part. I'm always receptive to his emails.
So - is he just keeping me on ice while he pursues other options? (We've both logged onto the dating site since we've been dating, not that I've, um, checked his profile or anything.) Perhaps he's just actually sick and/or busy? Backing off because he senses I'm not into him? Why would someone care to maintain communication with someone they were just getting to know, unless they were still interested?
This is frustrating as I've really enjoyed every date we've had, minus the last awkward one. I'm hoping that didn't kill everything for him.
Any advice on how I should proceed will be much appreciated!
I suggested we take a rain check.
said I had to play that weekend by ear
You may have sent signals asking for distance. So perhaps he's not sure where you stand either. But contact and getting to know you is not a bad sign.
Invite him out again (when you are absolutely sure you won't be dealing with a dog or anything else!), and see what happens.
posted by cmgonzalez at 5:20 PM on January 30, 2009
said I had to play that weekend by ear
You may have sent signals asking for distance. So perhaps he's not sure where you stand either. But contact and getting to know you is not a bad sign.
Invite him out again (when you are absolutely sure you won't be dealing with a dog or anything else!), and see what happens.
posted by cmgonzalez at 5:20 PM on January 30, 2009
+1 on the thought that he thinks you may not want more. My wife, had several excuses, all legit, for not going on a date after we had first met. I finally said to her, "I would love to go out again but you call me because you sound real busy." Ask him out and find out.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:29 PM on January 30, 2009
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:29 PM on January 30, 2009
Best answer: I think you should just say to him:"So, when are we going to see each other again?"
If he gives you a vague answer, suggest to him a specific day/time. "I'm free on Friday. I've been wanting to do _______ . We should go!"
If he likes you, but is just shy or unsure, he will be happy to concrete plans with you. If you don't see each other after plainly expressing your interest in seeing him again and even suggesting a specific time, you should take that as your cue to move on.
At that point I would no longer be so receptive of his contact. Sure, I would be friendly, I just wouldn't get so enthusiastic. I would remind myself "I like men who WANT to see me, not so much men who want to be IN TOUCH."
posted by Locochona at 5:30 PM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
If he gives you a vague answer, suggest to him a specific day/time. "I'm free on Friday. I've been wanting to do _______ . We should go!"
If he likes you, but is just shy or unsure, he will be happy to concrete plans with you. If you don't see each other after plainly expressing your interest in seeing him again and even suggesting a specific time, you should take that as your cue to move on.
At that point I would no longer be so receptive of his contact. Sure, I would be friendly, I just wouldn't get so enthusiastic. I would remind myself "I like men who WANT to see me, not so much men who want to be IN TOUCH."
posted by Locochona at 5:30 PM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
I don't know what ED is. emergency dissent? erectile disfunction? please advise.
what I do know is that six weeks is an awful long time to not even have gotten the 'do you like me?' part out of the question. unless you're fourteen a female not bringing that up for such a long time is bound to make me very insecure about my chances. (speaking of insecurities - you mention next to nothing about him, so god knows what's going on there. what kind of persona? does he have issues? how does he behave? etc.) I'm speculating here but if I did took my chances and attempted to make out after all this time and I got rejected, I'd give up.
a host of things could have or be happening here. he could just not be all that into you. he could be insecure. he could be interested in someone else. he was interested but changed his mind and doesn't know how to let you know. you will only know if you ask. yes, communication is key. you knew that already but I thought a reminder might come in handy.
lastly: it's a dating site, you say. that means you are looking for a partner. that also means he is looking for a partner. say goodbye to the idea of having him as a platonic friend. that's not how it works for men. women yes, men no. we choose platonic friends from people we pursue hobbies with, who we work with, who we have contact with another stated purpose than dating. the way to find platonic friends is via a site like meetup.com but not match.com.
posted by krautland at 5:32 PM on January 30, 2009
what I do know is that six weeks is an awful long time to not even have gotten the 'do you like me?' part out of the question. unless you're fourteen a female not bringing that up for such a long time is bound to make me very insecure about my chances. (speaking of insecurities - you mention next to nothing about him, so god knows what's going on there. what kind of persona? does he have issues? how does he behave? etc.) I'm speculating here but if I did took my chances and attempted to make out after all this time and I got rejected, I'd give up.
a host of things could have or be happening here. he could just not be all that into you. he could be insecure. he could be interested in someone else. he was interested but changed his mind and doesn't know how to let you know. you will only know if you ask. yes, communication is key. you knew that already but I thought a reminder might come in handy.
lastly: it's a dating site, you say. that means you are looking for a partner. that also means he is looking for a partner. say goodbye to the idea of having him as a platonic friend. that's not how it works for men. women yes, men no. we choose platonic friends from people we pursue hobbies with, who we work with, who we have contact with another stated purpose than dating. the way to find platonic friends is via a site like meetup.com but not match.com.
posted by krautland at 5:32 PM on January 30, 2009
I agree you may have sent out some "I'm busy" signals. He may be putting the ball in your court now.
If you want to see him again, say so. Given his regular attempts at maintaining contact it seems like he would be receptive to that. I don't think this is a situation where you have to read his mind or feel out his real motives.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 5:33 PM on January 30, 2009
If you want to see him again, say so. Given his regular attempts at maintaining contact it seems like he would be receptive to that. I don't think this is a situation where you have to read his mind or feel out his real motives.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 5:33 PM on January 30, 2009
Best answer: Forget "figuring out his intentions"; just ask him out unambiguously for a next date -- e.g. "would you like to see a movie and have dinner on Sunday?"
If he says yes (or if he declines but offers a specific alternative), there you go. If he gives you a noncommital response, or a "no" without a specific offer of another plan, then I think he's doing the fadeout (for whatever reason) and it's totally fair for you to start moving on.
posted by scody at 5:34 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
If he says yes (or if he declines but offers a specific alternative), there you go. If he gives you a noncommital response, or a "no" without a specific offer of another plan, then I think he's doing the fadeout (for whatever reason) and it's totally fair for you to start moving on.
posted by scody at 5:34 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
1. ask him what's up and know for sure
2. wait and drive yourself crazy
pick one.
posted by desjardins at 5:35 PM on January 30, 2009 [3 favorites]
2. wait and drive yourself crazy
pick one.
posted by desjardins at 5:35 PM on January 30, 2009 [3 favorites]
To me this has all the signals that he already has a girlfriend or a wife, and is maneuvering himself for companionship or benefits on the side.
posted by crapmatic at 5:47 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by crapmatic at 5:47 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
You know you're allowed to ask a man out on a date, right? This isn't Dogpatch--no need to wait for Sadie Hawkins' Day.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:54 PM on January 30, 2009
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:54 PM on January 30, 2009
Do you want to see him some more? Then ask him out. It really can be that easy.
If he accepts, on the date you can ask him what's up— maybe he really is busy, maybe he enjoys your company but there's no real chemistry, maybe he's not really interested but feels like he should like you, maybe the fooling-around-but-no-sex date made him feel either embarrassed/inadequate or frustrated and he doesn't want a repeat— but really, there's no point in playing guessing games.
You don't really say whether you actually want to continue dating him, though. You wonder if he's "backing off because he senses I'm not into him?" — does that mean you're not into him?
My guess is he thinks the ball is in your court. He asked you out, you turned him down (the dog thing) and didn't totally reject him but didn't provide a continuation either, so that's kind of a mixed signal. He doesn't know if you actually enjoyed your last date (it was awkward, as you said) so he's keeping in contact and waiting for you to make the next move.
posted by hattifattener at 6:07 PM on January 30, 2009
If he accepts, on the date you can ask him what's up— maybe he really is busy, maybe he enjoys your company but there's no real chemistry, maybe he's not really interested but feels like he should like you, maybe the fooling-around-but-no-sex date made him feel either embarrassed/inadequate or frustrated and he doesn't want a repeat— but really, there's no point in playing guessing games.
You don't really say whether you actually want to continue dating him, though. You wonder if he's "backing off because he senses I'm not into him?" — does that mean you're not into him?
My guess is he thinks the ball is in your court. He asked you out, you turned him down (the dog thing) and didn't totally reject him but didn't provide a continuation either, so that's kind of a mixed signal. He doesn't know if you actually enjoyed your last date (it was awkward, as you said) so he's keeping in contact and waiting for you to make the next move.
posted by hattifattener at 6:07 PM on January 30, 2009
Response by poster: Thanks for all of the responses so far. I agree asking him out would be a good indicator of his interest (and a mature thing to do) but I was hoping that he would just do that - he's done it before, and enthusiastically. I know that's sort of a cowardly way around not coming out and asking him, but what can I say - now that I know I like him, I'm more sensitive about being possibly rejected.
Just for the record, he's 36, I'm 28. We both work in media and live in NYC. He's really smart and funny, and pretty nerdy and awkward (which I happen to like, so it's a good thing). I'm not sure what his dating history has been like, but I know he's had previous relationships.
And his Facebook status has him listed as "single" so... I hope he doesn't have a girlfriend, or wife, for her sake.
posted by longwalks at 6:11 PM on January 30, 2009
Just for the record, he's 36, I'm 28. We both work in media and live in NYC. He's really smart and funny, and pretty nerdy and awkward (which I happen to like, so it's a good thing). I'm not sure what his dating history has been like, but I know he's had previous relationships.
And his Facebook status has him listed as "single" so... I hope he doesn't have a girlfriend, or wife, for her sake.
posted by longwalks at 6:11 PM on January 30, 2009
I may be jumping to this conclusion because it happened to me in a very similar situation, but this sounds to me like he's gay.
posted by meerkatty at 6:21 PM on January 30, 2009
posted by meerkatty at 6:21 PM on January 30, 2009
Thanks for all of the responses so far. I agree asking him out would be a good indicator of his interest (and a mature thing to do) but I was hoping that he would just do that - he's done it before, and enthusiastically. I know that's sort of a cowardly way around not coming out and asking him, but what can I say - now that I know I like him, I'm more sensitive about being possibly rejected.
The thing is, the fact that he has done it before is a good explanation for why he's not doing it now. If I'm in a position, in friendship or relationships, where I'm doing all the asking, I generally stop. Otherwise I can never tell if the person is genuinely interested or just too cowardly/polite to say no.
posted by nasreddin at 6:28 PM on January 30, 2009
The thing is, the fact that he has done it before is a good explanation for why he's not doing it now. If I'm in a position, in friendship or relationships, where I'm doing all the asking, I generally stop. Otherwise I can never tell if the person is genuinely interested or just too cowardly/polite to say no.
posted by nasreddin at 6:28 PM on January 30, 2009
I was hoping that he would just do that - he's done it before
That's not a reason for him to always do it -- that's why you should do it this time. Keep things interesting.
I still don't understand why you're not asking for what you want. You're talking to us about it when you should be talking to him.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:49 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
That's not a reason for him to always do it -- that's why you should do it this time. Keep things interesting.
I still don't understand why you're not asking for what you want. You're talking to us about it when you should be talking to him.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:49 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
Nthing asking him out. If he's just shy or worried you don't like him, this should put him at ease, and if he says no or it's awkward, it's probably for the best for both of you to work it out and move on. Sorry if that was a bit too frank.
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:10 PM on January 30, 2009
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:10 PM on January 30, 2009
Ask him whats up. If he doesn't tell you straight away, move on. Seriously, its annoying as it is...doesn't it annoy the brains out of you that he is also 36? Don't people develop the balls and decency to be upfront at that age?
Think about it.
posted by xm at 7:28 PM on January 30, 2009
Think about it.
posted by xm at 7:28 PM on January 30, 2009
You know, I think you're best off following the advice that you've given off keep-your-distance signals and he's politely respecting them while maintaining contact. It's also possible that, while doing this, he's finding out whether you guys get along as people who talk as well as you get along as people who are fooling around -- when you're older, you're more likely to take your time and make sure there's a more well-rounded compatibility.
You should still reach out and set a meeting, though, and I'll bet a quick "I've been disappointed that we haven't been able to see each other for so long" will probably be enough to clue him in if he's interested in continuing.
posted by davejay at 7:47 PM on January 30, 2009
You should still reach out and set a meeting, though, and I'll bet a quick "I've been disappointed that we haven't been able to see each other for so long" will probably be enough to clue him in if he's interested in continuing.
posted by davejay at 7:47 PM on January 30, 2009
I vote "he's just not that into you". He must like you as a person if he's still talking with you online a lot, but perhaps the romantic interest part has waned. Haven't you sometimes felt that with those dating sites, you're always trying to keep your eye out for a 'better deal'? But don't take it personally, it just seems like the relationship wasn't working out that way in his mind, not quite enough there to create that spark.
Cutting back the contact with him (not being so available online) would probably do your heart the most good, if you're not ok with just being his online chat friend. Even the most socially awkward, introverted guys I know will make a real effort to see the girls they're interested in dating -- in person.
posted by lizbunny at 8:22 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
Cutting back the contact with him (not being so available online) would probably do your heart the most good, if you're not ok with just being his online chat friend. Even the most socially awkward, introverted guys I know will make a real effort to see the girls they're interested in dating -- in person.
posted by lizbunny at 8:22 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
Be an adult and say what you are thinking. Ask him out on a date. Be clear that this is a date. If he says no, double check your hunch by saying "Just want to check out what I'm hearing - sounds like you are more interested in being friends that dating". If he geniunely back-tracks ("No - I really do want to see you but I've been with mono for six weeks) then your good. If not, then you now where you stand. Better to know the truth and get on with your life than feeling rejected when you don't even know.
posted by metahawk at 8:34 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 8:34 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
Sure, he might be actually sick. Everyone I know, including myself, has had a shitty winter of chronic sinus infections. Greenish mucus is Not Sexy.
But yeah, I think you just need to make a move. "Hey, when are we going to see each other again. Would totally love that. Free on Friday. Hint, hint. Hey, wanna go on a date with me?"
posted by desuetude at 8:35 PM on January 30, 2009
But yeah, I think you just need to make a move. "Hey, when are we going to see each other again. Would totally love that. Free on Friday. Hint, hint. Hey, wanna go on a date with me?"
posted by desuetude at 8:35 PM on January 30, 2009
Sorry - didn't preview carefully
BE AN ADULT - say what you are thinking. Ask him out on a date. Be clear that this is a date. If he says no, double check your hunch by saying "Just want to check out what I'm hearing - sounds like you are more interested in being friends than dating". If he geniunely back-tracks ("No - I really do want to see you but I've been sick with mono for the past six weeks) then you are good. If not, then you know where you stand. Better to know the truth and get on with your life than feeling rejected when you don't even know.
posted by metahawk at 8:37 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
BE AN ADULT - say what you are thinking. Ask him out on a date. Be clear that this is a date. If he says no, double check your hunch by saying "Just want to check out what I'm hearing - sounds like you are more interested in being friends than dating". If he geniunely back-tracks ("No - I really do want to see you but I've been sick with mono for the past six weeks) then you are good. If not, then you know where you stand. Better to know the truth and get on with your life than feeling rejected when you don't even know.
posted by metahawk at 8:37 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm also guessing he's just not all that sparked, but you never know. I'd ask, "Hey, do you want to hang out again? It's OK if you don't." Simple, to the point, and giving him an easy out in exchange for you getting to know where he stands.
posted by rhizome at 8:44 PM on January 30, 2009
posted by rhizome at 8:44 PM on January 30, 2009
There are several scenarios, as outlined above, as to what could be going on here. None of us know, and guessing is going to get you absolutely nowhere. There are only two ways to find out:
a) Ask him "Hey, what's going on here?"
b) Ask him "Do you want to go out on Friday?"
A makes a big deal out of something that may not be a big deal. B has the advantage of getting you where you want to go, which is out on a date with this man.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:55 PM on January 30, 2009
a) Ask him "Hey, what's going on here?"
b) Ask him "Do you want to go out on Friday?"
A makes a big deal out of something that may not be a big deal. B has the advantage of getting you where you want to go, which is out on a date with this man.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:55 PM on January 30, 2009
Since then, he has been sick. Or maybe it's "sick." Last weekend he asked if I would be free to meet up if/when he felt better
So... what's the problem? He suggested something just this past weekend, as soon as he feels better.
I think part of the problem is you're paranoid that he's lying about being sick. I have been the person who's sick before and who has expressed interest in seeing a friend when I'm better. It's incredibly annoying for them to assume I'm lying when I said I want to see them. What eventually happens with people like that is that I can't be their friend anymore because I can't deal with their insecurity and their assuming the worst about me as a result.
You don't have a lot to gain by assuming people are lying to you. You have a lot more to gain by taking them at their word; you won't waste so much time and energy, you won't piss anyone off, and the few times you get lied to it'll be their fault. If he didn't want to see you, he wouldn't be e-mailing you and saying that he wants to see you. He is telling you exactly what he wants and you're making up scenarios in your head to get worked up over.
posted by Nattie at 3:45 AM on January 31, 2009
So... what's the problem? He suggested something just this past weekend, as soon as he feels better.
I think part of the problem is you're paranoid that he's lying about being sick. I have been the person who's sick before and who has expressed interest in seeing a friend when I'm better. It's incredibly annoying for them to assume I'm lying when I said I want to see them. What eventually happens with people like that is that I can't be their friend anymore because I can't deal with their insecurity and their assuming the worst about me as a result.
You don't have a lot to gain by assuming people are lying to you. You have a lot more to gain by taking them at their word; you won't waste so much time and energy, you won't piss anyone off, and the few times you get lied to it'll be their fault. If he didn't want to see you, he wouldn't be e-mailing you and saying that he wants to see you. He is telling you exactly what he wants and you're making up scenarios in your head to get worked up over.
posted by Nattie at 3:45 AM on January 31, 2009
He likes you, is embarassed, thinks you are not interested. Tell him that you like him. When dudes drop you they drop you, they don't call, they hope you don't. They avoid awkwardness, not initiate it. They sure as hell don't send you pictures of their nieces if they're not interested.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:52 AM on January 31, 2009
posted by Ironmouth at 6:52 AM on January 31, 2009
Since then, he has been sick. Or maybe it's "sick." Last weekend he asked if I would be free to meet up if/when he felt better, I replied "sure, let me know" but said I had to play that weekend by ear as I was getting a new dog and wanted to concentrate on that.
Given the unfortunate combo of awkward date plus dog weekend, I'm voting for the strong possibility that he's getting the strong vibe from you that you're busy and he's staying in contact so you don't forget him and waiting for you to initiate because you're the one who sent distancing signals.
It's good that you're self-aware enough to realize that what you're doing is a bit cowardly and passive-aggressive. He may have been making all the initiation effort before and now that you put him off, is thinking, okay, I've been doing all the initiating, now she's busy, I hope she's really still interested. Because what you're doing here is expecting him to somehow read your mind. You do get that, right?
A relationship goes both ways. This isn't the 1950s, and he's rightfully expecting that he's not the only one responsible for getting stuff going.
Give him a call. "You want to go out [specific plan here]?"
That'll tell you more than any random group of Internet snarkers.
posted by canine epigram at 7:55 AM on January 31, 2009
Given the unfortunate combo of awkward date plus dog weekend, I'm voting for the strong possibility that he's getting the strong vibe from you that you're busy and he's staying in contact so you don't forget him and waiting for you to initiate because you're the one who sent distancing signals.
It's good that you're self-aware enough to realize that what you're doing is a bit cowardly and passive-aggressive. He may have been making all the initiation effort before and now that you put him off, is thinking, okay, I've been doing all the initiating, now she's busy, I hope she's really still interested. Because what you're doing here is expecting him to somehow read your mind. You do get that, right?
A relationship goes both ways. This isn't the 1950s, and he's rightfully expecting that he's not the only one responsible for getting stuff going.
Give him a call. "You want to go out [specific plan here]?"
That'll tell you more than any random group of Internet snarkers.
posted by canine epigram at 7:55 AM on January 31, 2009
Oh man. Going through the exact same thing. I emailed my-dude today saying "Im free Saturday evening or Sunday evening - pick one to hang out." He wrote back saying Sunday works for him. I said "OK call me Sunday morning then." Just hoping he calls, otherwise, I guess he's just not that into me.
Just ask him to hang out, give him a choice of two days, if he can't make EITHER one, then give up.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:49 PM on January 31, 2009
Just ask him to hang out, give him a choice of two days, if he can't make EITHER one, then give up.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:49 PM on January 31, 2009
Response by poster: Update:
A few days after I posted this, he emailed to apologize for acting distant...but didn't explain, and began emailing less frequently in the days that followed. I took this to mean he either wasn't into me and trying to do a polite fade out, or he was having some problems with something personal. Either way I decided to let him have his space.
Fast forward a few days - he asked me to dinner and during our meal, I brought up his "apology" and asked him to elaborate - he basically gave the "it's not you, it's me" speech about how he freaks out in new relationships and becomes distant when he senses he has the potential to hurt a woman's feelings, and that he doesn't know why he does it and it's frustrating to him. I still don't really know what to make of all of it, but he did say he felt really comfortable telling me this, which I'll take as a compliment, whether or not he intended it to be one.
At any rate we had a nice time at dinner and I told him I don't expect anything of him, and I do think he's a good guy. At the end of the night, he thanked me for being so understanding. Not all relationships work out, and I know that, but it still sucks since he was pretty darn cool.
So, I guess that's that! Thanks again for all of your advice.
posted by longwalks at 10:03 PM on February 10, 2009
A few days after I posted this, he emailed to apologize for acting distant...but didn't explain, and began emailing less frequently in the days that followed. I took this to mean he either wasn't into me and trying to do a polite fade out, or he was having some problems with something personal. Either way I decided to let him have his space.
Fast forward a few days - he asked me to dinner and during our meal, I brought up his "apology" and asked him to elaborate - he basically gave the "it's not you, it's me" speech about how he freaks out in new relationships and becomes distant when he senses he has the potential to hurt a woman's feelings, and that he doesn't know why he does it and it's frustrating to him. I still don't really know what to make of all of it, but he did say he felt really comfortable telling me this, which I'll take as a compliment, whether or not he intended it to be one.
At any rate we had a nice time at dinner and I told him I don't expect anything of him, and I do think he's a good guy. At the end of the night, he thanked me for being so understanding. Not all relationships work out, and I know that, but it still sucks since he was pretty darn cool.
So, I guess that's that! Thanks again for all of your advice.
posted by longwalks at 10:03 PM on February 10, 2009
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posted by smorange at 5:18 PM on January 30, 2009 [3 favorites]