Maintaining self esteem in sensitive boys
January 6, 2009 7:37 AM Subscribe
Raising boys filter: Mini-hellbound is not sports-inclined...
He is not un-athletic but he just isn't that interested in games with rules and physical competition. He is also very tall for his age, having gained several inches over the past year, and is somewhat less coordinated with such gangly limbs. I think this impacts his social life at school to a certain extent. He's also pretty sensitive.
I want to support my boy if this turns out to be more than a stage and in fact an ongoing preference for less aggressive, competitive activity. I worry that he will have difficulty since it's so common for athletic prowess and to be expected and rewarded in boys.
I would love to hear from those of you who were perhaps similar during childhood and feel that your parents did a good job supporting you and helping you maintain your self esteem. I would also love to hear from parents with similar children.
He is very clever and funny, mechanically inclined, imaginative, and learning to be a good skier- and so I do try to support and encourage the things he likes to do/ excels at.
He is not un-athletic but he just isn't that interested in games with rules and physical competition. He is also very tall for his age, having gained several inches over the past year, and is somewhat less coordinated with such gangly limbs. I think this impacts his social life at school to a certain extent. He's also pretty sensitive.
I want to support my boy if this turns out to be more than a stage and in fact an ongoing preference for less aggressive, competitive activity. I worry that he will have difficulty since it's so common for athletic prowess and to be expected and rewarded in boys.
I would love to hear from those of you who were perhaps similar during childhood and feel that your parents did a good job supporting you and helping you maintain your self esteem. I would also love to hear from parents with similar children.
He is very clever and funny, mechanically inclined, imaginative, and learning to be a good skier- and so I do try to support and encourage the things he likes to do/ excels at.
I am not, nor have I ever been, a 7 year old boy, but, based on the mentions of "mechanically inclined" and "imaginative"...
Try getting him involved in FIRST LEGO League (or JFLL, at his age). The FIRST competitions for bigger kids are a sports-like atmosphere with rules, but JFLL is mostly a teamwork and creativity exercise. The program is very much team-based, not individually-based, so there's some buffer for kids who may be insecure or particularly sensitive. And you'd be surprised at how non-nerdy so many of the participants are... especially at a young age, EVERYONE thinks LEGOs and robots are cool, so it could help on the social scene. Also, if he likes it and moves into FLL (9-14 year old kids, with an actual competition event) it gives you as a parent something to cheer him on at, or even get involved yourself as a mentor or team coach.
/FIRST geek
posted by olinerd at 7:49 AM on January 6, 2009 [3 favorites]
Try getting him involved in FIRST LEGO League (or JFLL, at his age). The FIRST competitions for bigger kids are a sports-like atmosphere with rules, but JFLL is mostly a teamwork and creativity exercise. The program is very much team-based, not individually-based, so there's some buffer for kids who may be insecure or particularly sensitive. And you'd be surprised at how non-nerdy so many of the participants are... especially at a young age, EVERYONE thinks LEGOs and robots are cool, so it could help on the social scene. Also, if he likes it and moves into FLL (9-14 year old kids, with an actual competition event) it gives you as a parent something to cheer him on at, or even get involved yourself as a mentor or team coach.
/FIRST geek
posted by olinerd at 7:49 AM on January 6, 2009 [3 favorites]
I was not tall and skinny, but I never dug on the competitive sports either. To this day I glaze at the merest discussion of football. In a professional realm I have learned that people love to tell you about their favorite sport and the fact that you don't know it and are a good listener makes them very happy.
In school I had my fair share of friends. Not everyone is on the football team or plays pony league whatever-that-sport-is. We went backpacking (probably because it didn't snow enough in Georgia for skiing. I became a pretty decent marksman. I took up wrestling for a year to see if I liked the independent competitive sports. I didn't.
My parents supported me in whatever I wanted to try and they encouraged me to not quit what I had started. They never attempted to push me towards something I didn't want to do (except for my Dad always telling me that golf would help my professional life, turned out to not be so).
Support, support, support.
Encourage healthy levels of activity, but do not try to direct.
Let the kid wander further than the average American parent does.
posted by Seamus at 7:54 AM on January 6, 2009
In school I had my fair share of friends. Not everyone is on the football team or plays pony league whatever-that-sport-is. We went backpacking (probably because it didn't snow enough in Georgia for skiing. I became a pretty decent marksman. I took up wrestling for a year to see if I liked the independent competitive sports. I didn't.
My parents supported me in whatever I wanted to try and they encouraged me to not quit what I had started. They never attempted to push me towards something I didn't want to do (except for my Dad always telling me that golf would help my professional life, turned out to not be so).
Support, support, support.
Encourage healthy levels of activity, but do not try to direct.
Let the kid wander further than the average American parent does.
posted by Seamus at 7:54 AM on January 6, 2009
I'm not a parent, but I'm that kid. Yes, I caught shit for sucking at athletics. I was skinny for a while as a kid, chunked up, and got less chunked-up during high school and my early 20s. No matter what stage I was within that, I was never good at sports. Even when I work out, jog, and get into better shape, that doesn't make me any better at basketball or baseball. That's a whole different skillset that I don't purport to have.
My parents knew that I was bad at sports. They didn't push me into it. They let me do things I enjoyed - archeology camp at the local museum, acting, and music, which is what I do now. I'm engaged to a beautiful woman, have friends, and managed to live through 7 years of Physical Education at public schools. Hell, I did marching band - something which is athletic (to a point), and something at which I'm actually pretty good.
Look, yes, you should get him to go outside of his comfort zone. That's never a bad thing, especially with some kids who don't like to do that. But don't shove sports down his throat. As a kid, he needs to feel successful at something. If my parents had made me do Little League, I would have failed at it. Perhaps I would have done ok some games, but honestly, it's not my talent. I still learned all those important sports-like things (gracious losing, gracious winning, etc) through other venues.
In summary, go teach him how to throw a ball. Play hoops with him. Maybe some family football when everyone gets together for the holidays. Just make sure you give him outlets to be successful with the skills he actually has. And even if he isn't good at traditional, find a way for him to succeed at it. Museums have great programs if he's inclined towards those things.
posted by SNWidget at 7:57 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
My parents knew that I was bad at sports. They didn't push me into it. They let me do things I enjoyed - archeology camp at the local museum, acting, and music, which is what I do now. I'm engaged to a beautiful woman, have friends, and managed to live through 7 years of Physical Education at public schools. Hell, I did marching band - something which is athletic (to a point), and something at which I'm actually pretty good.
Look, yes, you should get him to go outside of his comfort zone. That's never a bad thing, especially with some kids who don't like to do that. But don't shove sports down his throat. As a kid, he needs to feel successful at something. If my parents had made me do Little League, I would have failed at it. Perhaps I would have done ok some games, but honestly, it's not my talent. I still learned all those important sports-like things (gracious losing, gracious winning, etc) through other venues.
In summary, go teach him how to throw a ball. Play hoops with him. Maybe some family football when everyone gets together for the holidays. Just make sure you give him outlets to be successful with the skills he actually has. And even if he isn't good at traditional, find a way for him to succeed at it. Museums have great programs if he's inclined towards those things.
posted by SNWidget at 7:57 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
I played just about every little league sport available to me when I was in elementary school and hated every minute of it. Don't push him if he's not interested in it. Definitely find some sort of physical activity he's interested in, though. Has he learned to ride a bicycle yet? Do you have woods in your area for hiking/exploring?
I wouldn't worry too much about it hurting his social life; I never found it to be true myself. In fact, if he's into something unusual it may end up in his favor. Every kid plays football or baseball, but there are fewer that, say, climb Mt. Washington or do charity bike rides (perhaps a bit early for that, but the point stands).
Also, Lego League is an awesome idea. FIRST was a great experience for me.
posted by backseatpilot at 8:00 AM on January 6, 2009
I wouldn't worry too much about it hurting his social life; I never found it to be true myself. In fact, if he's into something unusual it may end up in his favor. Every kid plays football or baseball, but there are fewer that, say, climb Mt. Washington or do charity bike rides (perhaps a bit early for that, but the point stands).
Also, Lego League is an awesome idea. FIRST was a great experience for me.
posted by backseatpilot at 8:00 AM on January 6, 2009
I was exactly like that, apart from the height thing. In my experience this is absolutely common and completely normal. In fact (I may be wrong, but) it sounds a little as if you're very sport inclined/competitive and probably grew up among similarly inclined kids and adults.
Stop worrying about it. Schools normally cope very successfully with range of interests and abilities that kids have. Athletic prowess is rewarded, but so are all other kinds of achievement or effort.
If he has no interest in sport or other competitive activities he'll find no shortage of friends with the same feelings. And these kids, whether they're into books or computers or art or music or whatever, get on in life just as well as everyone else. And after taking no interest in sport for the first fourteen years of my life, I suddenly found I had a real talent for sprinting and the long-jump. But once I'd beaten all the other kids a few times I just went back to what interested me.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 8:01 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
Stop worrying about it. Schools normally cope very successfully with range of interests and abilities that kids have. Athletic prowess is rewarded, but so are all other kinds of achievement or effort.
If he has no interest in sport or other competitive activities he'll find no shortage of friends with the same feelings. And these kids, whether they're into books or computers or art or music or whatever, get on in life just as well as everyone else. And after taking no interest in sport for the first fourteen years of my life, I suddenly found I had a real talent for sprinting and the long-jump. But once I'd beaten all the other kids a few times I just went back to what interested me.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 8:01 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
I was never good at athletics, and dreaded things like gym class because I knew I would be subjected to the derision of the jackals around me. Always picked last, and justifiably so - I sucked at baseball, football, basketball, and so on.
My parents never pushed me to do things like Little League or Pop Warner, but my dad also never did anything like play catch with me. I have often wondered if I might have spared a little bit of torment if I had learned a few basics like how to throw a baseball competently.
In any event, I wouldn't push a child toward those things if there is genuinely no interest. However, I might encourage them to dabble, much in the way I encourage my children to try new foods rather than simply turn up their nose. They sometimes learn that they actually like the new food.
In other words, I am nthing SNWidget. :)
posted by DWRoelands at 8:04 AM on January 6, 2009
My parents never pushed me to do things like Little League or Pop Warner, but my dad also never did anything like play catch with me. I have often wondered if I might have spared a little bit of torment if I had learned a few basics like how to throw a baseball competently.
In any event, I wouldn't push a child toward those things if there is genuinely no interest. However, I might encourage them to dabble, much in the way I encourage my children to try new foods rather than simply turn up their nose. They sometimes learn that they actually like the new food.
In other words, I am nthing SNWidget. :)
posted by DWRoelands at 8:04 AM on January 6, 2009
Response by poster: Yes, I did grow up with a lot of pressure to be good at sports.
I should clarify that I am not in the least bit disappointed that my son doesn't seem to be interested in sports- I just want him to be happy and like himself.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:05 AM on January 6, 2009
I should clarify that I am not in the least bit disappointed that my son doesn't seem to be interested in sports- I just want him to be happy and like himself.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:05 AM on January 6, 2009
Response by poster: And it just seems, by random luck, his current classroom is populated with very physical boys.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:06 AM on January 6, 2009
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:06 AM on January 6, 2009
My husband and I are not competitive sports people. We don't watch sports, we don't participate in sports. We always said we'd encourage our kids to do whatever they liked w/r/t competitive sports, but it turns out that neither of them are really interested, either. We signed them up for all sorts of things (soccer, basketball, baseball, swimming) when they were younger but nothing really stuck. Except Taekwondo for my son and Taekwondo and gymnastics for my daughter.
He'll either find something he likes (and it sounds like he has; skiing) or he won't, and he'll do something else with his time. I won't lie to you and tell you that being a kid who doesn't like sports hasn't affected my son in school (he's 11 now). It has. Nearly all of the other boys play basketball or football during recess. It wasn't so bad when they were all young; he could get some of the boys to wander with him and talk, but now he's down to two other boys who don't like sports. They discuss everything from politics to ninjas. He knows he's different but he doesn't much care. He was in Boy Scouts briefly and one day we were taking a neighbor boy home from a meeting. The boy said to me, "Doesn't Christopher play any real sports?" I nearly smacked that kid. I just informed him that Taekwondo is a real sport and even if it isn't, who cares anyway? I figure once he gets out of elementary school he'll find his niche of similar kids who like the same stuff he does.
So, just encourage him to find his own path. He sounds like a great kid.
posted by cooker girl at 8:07 AM on January 6, 2009
He'll either find something he likes (and it sounds like he has; skiing) or he won't, and he'll do something else with his time. I won't lie to you and tell you that being a kid who doesn't like sports hasn't affected my son in school (he's 11 now). It has. Nearly all of the other boys play basketball or football during recess. It wasn't so bad when they were all young; he could get some of the boys to wander with him and talk, but now he's down to two other boys who don't like sports. They discuss everything from politics to ninjas. He knows he's different but he doesn't much care. He was in Boy Scouts briefly and one day we were taking a neighbor boy home from a meeting. The boy said to me, "Doesn't Christopher play any real sports?" I nearly smacked that kid. I just informed him that Taekwondo is a real sport and even if it isn't, who cares anyway? I figure once he gets out of elementary school he'll find his niche of similar kids who like the same stuff he does.
So, just encourage him to find his own path. He sounds like a great kid.
posted by cooker girl at 8:07 AM on January 6, 2009
Perhaps encourage him to do something different, but also physical, that will help with his coordination. Like karate or something.
And try to find out if he dislikes sports because he's bad at them, or because he just dislikes them. If he wants to be in sports but can't take the pressure of being worse than his peers, or not knowing the rules, find someone to help him in a supportive, one on one setting, with an eye toward learning good sportsmanship. Nothing wrong with not wanting to be athletic, but it sucks to not be able to jump into a pickup game with your friends because you suck hard.
posted by gjc at 8:08 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
And try to find out if he dislikes sports because he's bad at them, or because he just dislikes them. If he wants to be in sports but can't take the pressure of being worse than his peers, or not knowing the rules, find someone to help him in a supportive, one on one setting, with an eye toward learning good sportsmanship. Nothing wrong with not wanting to be athletic, but it sucks to not be able to jump into a pickup game with your friends because you suck hard.
posted by gjc at 8:08 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
In my experience as a boy, and today watching friends raise young boys, in almost all sports there are usually options for both super-competitive and mostly-for-fun. There might be some exceptions, like with American Football, where there may not be just-for-fun options available in your town. But for most activities, from soccer to rock climbing to fencing to running, you have more than one way to participate.
So for a boy like yours (who sounds a bit like me at that age), he might have a miserable time on the kind of Little League team with hyper-involved parents and a "Go kill them, team!" coach, but a great time on a coed, more casual baseball or softball team. Even something as individualistic and free-form as rock climbing has both the competitive climbing gym side and the contemplative bouldering side, as well as lots of options in between.
My point is that it's not a choice between physical activity or the chess club -- it's a choice between different kinds of physical activity, and the chess club.
Basically, for a kid like yours, I'd be looking seriously at slighly non-mainstream options -- less Little League, more fencing or climbing, things that people tend to do their entire lives rather than just in high school, and things that really reward an ability to sit back and think critically about a problem rather than simply engage in a group activity.
And, as suggested above, I'd couple that with things like lego clubs, or robot clubs, or other hands-on technical-ish activities that engage both hands and brain. For a kid whose body is slightly out of control (a problem that will likely get much, much worse when adolescence hits), things like robots or model trains or remote controlled cars can be a real oasis of stability and success in a confusing and sometimes hostile world. Plus, they don't need to be solitary activities, and they allow a kid to engage with both younger and older fellow enthusiasts; if his body is putting him momentarily out of step with his age-cohort, then maybe he'd get along well with the old geezers at the model train club, or with the younger kids who are also just beginning fencing classes.
posted by Forktine at 8:13 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
So for a boy like yours (who sounds a bit like me at that age), he might have a miserable time on the kind of Little League team with hyper-involved parents and a "Go kill them, team!" coach, but a great time on a coed, more casual baseball or softball team. Even something as individualistic and free-form as rock climbing has both the competitive climbing gym side and the contemplative bouldering side, as well as lots of options in between.
My point is that it's not a choice between physical activity or the chess club -- it's a choice between different kinds of physical activity, and the chess club.
Basically, for a kid like yours, I'd be looking seriously at slighly non-mainstream options -- less Little League, more fencing or climbing, things that people tend to do their entire lives rather than just in high school, and things that really reward an ability to sit back and think critically about a problem rather than simply engage in a group activity.
And, as suggested above, I'd couple that with things like lego clubs, or robot clubs, or other hands-on technical-ish activities that engage both hands and brain. For a kid whose body is slightly out of control (a problem that will likely get much, much worse when adolescence hits), things like robots or model trains or remote controlled cars can be a real oasis of stability and success in a confusing and sometimes hostile world. Plus, they don't need to be solitary activities, and they allow a kid to engage with both younger and older fellow enthusiasts; if his body is putting him momentarily out of step with his age-cohort, then maybe he'd get along well with the old geezers at the model train club, or with the younger kids who are also just beginning fencing classes.
posted by Forktine at 8:13 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
There are always sporty things to do that aren't necessarily competitive - walking, cycling, swimming, dance, canoeing; or things involving physical co-ordination, such as juggling, which (in the UK anyway) has the most happy friendly non-competitive community you could ask for.
I always hated competitive sports at school but enjoyed many of the above.
posted by emilyw at 8:13 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
I always hated competitive sports at school but enjoyed many of the above.
posted by emilyw at 8:13 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
I did not do competitive sports - in a suburb with huuuuge soccer teams. I did Tae Kwon Do and loved it. There were competitive people, who went to competitions, and there were the rest of us. It helped that we had an awesome, awesome teacher (he was a physics teacher, too.) Some of them can be not so good, and this needs to be sussed out. If he's concerned about being uncoordinated, it can help.
That being said, if he doesn't want to, the other technical clubs others have suggested are great. I had a great secular scout troop, but this may or may not be an option for you.
posted by cobaltnine at 8:30 AM on January 6, 2009
That being said, if he doesn't want to, the other technical clubs others have suggested are great. I had a great secular scout troop, but this may or may not be an option for you.
posted by cobaltnine at 8:30 AM on January 6, 2009
What he likes/dislikes at nearly 7 will change dramatically over the next few years. Don't be surprised if by 10 or 11 he's much more into sports. That's around the age my own son developed an interest in football (despite the fact he's very small for his age).
In the mean time, continue to support whatever interests he has now.
posted by rocket88 at 9:00 AM on January 6, 2009
In the mean time, continue to support whatever interests he has now.
posted by rocket88 at 9:00 AM on January 6, 2009
Congratulations! You have a nerd! His self-identification probably won't come from team sports, and he's likely to join the drama club and the math team. He'll probably be picked on, and some understanding (The bastards! They don't know crap!) will go a lot further than advice (Maybe you should try to fit in by trying out for the team?)
Here's a hint, tho - if he likes skiing, he's athletic. Sports isn't all games and teams and timed trials. Encourage the skiing, and encourage other outdoor activities, like hiking, kayaking, biking, rock-climbing, geo-caching. See if he's interested in clubs or events featuring these kinds of activities.
As a teen-aged boyscout, after climbing a mountain in Maine - in February - I really didn't think the jocks had a damn thing on me. Helped my fragile self-confidence quite a bit.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:02 AM on January 6, 2009
Here's a hint, tho - if he likes skiing, he's athletic. Sports isn't all games and teams and timed trials. Encourage the skiing, and encourage other outdoor activities, like hiking, kayaking, biking, rock-climbing, geo-caching. See if he's interested in clubs or events featuring these kinds of activities.
As a teen-aged boyscout, after climbing a mountain in Maine - in February - I really didn't think the jocks had a damn thing on me. Helped my fragile self-confidence quite a bit.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:02 AM on January 6, 2009
As the nerdy kid who never played any sports seriously, I really wish I did. Oh sure, I had friends to play with and my parents loved me lots.
I really think that participating in a sport is important for being a well-rounded, happy person. And, like anything in the world, skills in a sport are not something that are innate, but will be gained by practice. It might not be you kids favorite thing, but if he doesn't like reading, will you exempt him from practicing his reading? Don't cop that attitude that being a certain way physically should exclude him from trying and learning.
It would be really nice if I had even the remotest understanding of sports and could talk about "the game" with my boss. Give your kid a leg up (or at least equal footing) in the society of men, and help him out. It's a skill like any other, and best to be obtained while young.
As for the non-competitive aspect: the guys and girls who learned how to deal with competition now boss me around at work. And probably you. They are not bad people. Competition is part of what makes us human, kids should learn how to be competitive without being bastards. It would be nice if the world of business and work and academia and love were win-win-win-win-win, but there are lots of losers out there. People who don't get the job, people whose businesses fail, people whose significant others ditch them. Know how to win an loose is important, too.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 9:04 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
I really think that participating in a sport is important for being a well-rounded, happy person. And, like anything in the world, skills in a sport are not something that are innate, but will be gained by practice. It might not be you kids favorite thing, but if he doesn't like reading, will you exempt him from practicing his reading? Don't cop that attitude that being a certain way physically should exclude him from trying and learning.
It would be really nice if I had even the remotest understanding of sports and could talk about "the game" with my boss. Give your kid a leg up (or at least equal footing) in the society of men, and help him out. It's a skill like any other, and best to be obtained while young.
As for the non-competitive aspect: the guys and girls who learned how to deal with competition now boss me around at work. And probably you. They are not bad people. Competition is part of what makes us human, kids should learn how to be competitive without being bastards. It would be nice if the world of business and work and academia and love were win-win-win-win-win, but there are lots of losers out there. People who don't get the job, people whose businesses fail, people whose significant others ditch them. Know how to win an loose is important, too.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 9:04 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
I was that kid -- loved to play with legos or ride a bike in the yard, but loathe to throw a ball around or that sort of thing. As I got older, my parents tried to man me up a little by pushing me into sports (middle school football, basketball and softball). I was gangly, effeminate and terrible at these activities, and mercilessly teased.
They relented by the time I was in 8th grade and I became the band nerd I was destined to be, and couldn't have been happier.
Now I'm a pretty normal dude at 36, very active in noncompetitive, teamless sports like hiking, backpacking, cycling, snowshoeing. I don't watch sports on television, and to this day haven't a competitive bone in my body. Some people just aren't cut out for that sort of thing.
My father sometimes still tells me he's sorry for pushing me into sports as a kid.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 9:16 AM on January 6, 2009
They relented by the time I was in 8th grade and I became the band nerd I was destined to be, and couldn't have been happier.
Now I'm a pretty normal dude at 36, very active in noncompetitive, teamless sports like hiking, backpacking, cycling, snowshoeing. I don't watch sports on television, and to this day haven't a competitive bone in my body. Some people just aren't cut out for that sort of thing.
My father sometimes still tells me he's sorry for pushing me into sports as a kid.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 9:16 AM on January 6, 2009
I'm similar to your son as well. Minus the tall.
You didn't mention other children so this may not apply but something my parents did was sign my brother and I up for all our activities together. I was the artistic, introverted, less competitive child and my sibling was the athletic, extroverted, aggressive type. Our choice in activities really showcased this.
I wanted to attend drawing, cooking, and dance classes he wanted to join soccer, learn karate, and play golf so my parents signed us up for all of them.
I think it made for good balance.
He wanted to go to basketball camp and I wanted swimming lessons so for 2 summers we did them back to back.
I wanted to be a pianist and he wanted to be a boy scout. So we became both.
The deal was that we could each chose an activity that both of us would have to do for one year/season/session of classes. If we enjoyed it we could continue, if we hated it we could quit after the time period was expired.
At the time I absolutely hated his activity choices but having someone I knew doing it along with me helped me get through them. Now that I'm adult looking back I'm glad my parents forced this on me. I never felt like I needed to be more of a "boy" (that's who my brother was and I wanted to be my own person) and when my manhood was challenged I was able to say that I've done basketball camp and karate and played soccer for 3 years.
Now I feel like I'm much more well-rounded, I understand sports and competition, I learned useful skills (e.g. teamwork, how to win/lose, etc), I can say that I had the experiences (something many people don't have)... and I have a decent jump shot.
posted by simplethings at 9:30 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
You didn't mention other children so this may not apply but something my parents did was sign my brother and I up for all our activities together. I was the artistic, introverted, less competitive child and my sibling was the athletic, extroverted, aggressive type. Our choice in activities really showcased this.
I wanted to attend drawing, cooking, and dance classes he wanted to join soccer, learn karate, and play golf so my parents signed us up for all of them.
I think it made for good balance.
He wanted to go to basketball camp and I wanted swimming lessons so for 2 summers we did them back to back.
I wanted to be a pianist and he wanted to be a boy scout. So we became both.
The deal was that we could each chose an activity that both of us would have to do for one year/season/session of classes. If we enjoyed it we could continue, if we hated it we could quit after the time period was expired.
At the time I absolutely hated his activity choices but having someone I knew doing it along with me helped me get through them. Now that I'm adult looking back I'm glad my parents forced this on me. I never felt like I needed to be more of a "boy" (that's who my brother was and I wanted to be my own person) and when my manhood was challenged I was able to say that I've done basketball camp and karate and played soccer for 3 years.
Now I feel like I'm much more well-rounded, I understand sports and competition, I learned useful skills (e.g. teamwork, how to win/lose, etc), I can say that I had the experiences (something many people don't have)... and I have a decent jump shot.
posted by simplethings at 9:30 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
No interest at age 7? I was like that until 15! I was always the guy picked second-to-last in middle school. I had zero interest in team sports until sophomore year in high school, and not much ability either. By my senior year of high school, I was on two varsity teams, captain of one, and an all-state athlete.
So, don't sweat it.
posted by zippy at 9:47 AM on January 6, 2009
So, don't sweat it.
posted by zippy at 9:47 AM on January 6, 2009
Response by poster: Each and every one of these responses is valuable- thank you so much.
I live just outside of DC and folks around here are frantic about sports and activities from toddlerhood, it seems, onward. I needed the perspective.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 10:03 AM on January 6, 2009
I live just outside of DC and folks around here are frantic about sports and activities from toddlerhood, it seems, onward. I needed the perspective.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 10:03 AM on January 6, 2009
A thought: my oldest brother was big (he grew 7" one year in high school), and seven years older than I am. He made it clear to me to do *something* athlectic as I grew just to make sure that my body got to know how to move. It saved me from being both unhappy-at-sports AND clumsy.
My parents encouraged us to play sports, but they didn't care which ones. I did soccer a couple of summers, "inbetween ball" [where the coaches pitched!] one summer, and then bailed out into summer schools and science camps galore a few years later. My brothers played soccer, and the oldest one ran track through college. By junior high and high school I'd settled on track (the quarter mile): it attracted a crowd of semi-oddballs, and you competed mostly against strangers. :7)
At age seven you're in a sticky spot: lots of local sports leagues are available, but the boy's still too young for things like Scouts that would get him out and active. Does your local YMCA have activites he might like that aren't too regimented, but that offer resources or equipment you don't have? Do you have a GPS unit and the time for geocaching? That's one thing I would LOVE to do with my herd of four!
posted by wenestvedt at 10:26 AM on January 6, 2009
My parents encouraged us to play sports, but they didn't care which ones. I did soccer a couple of summers, "inbetween ball" [where the coaches pitched!] one summer, and then bailed out into summer schools and science camps galore a few years later. My brothers played soccer, and the oldest one ran track through college. By junior high and high school I'd settled on track (the quarter mile): it attracted a crowd of semi-oddballs, and you competed mostly against strangers. :7)
At age seven you're in a sticky spot: lots of local sports leagues are available, but the boy's still too young for things like Scouts that would get him out and active. Does your local YMCA have activites he might like that aren't too regimented, but that offer resources or equipment you don't have? Do you have a GPS unit and the time for geocaching? That's one thing I would LOVE to do with my herd of four!
posted by wenestvedt at 10:26 AM on January 6, 2009
Oh, man, the skiing is going to get him major points in the future, trust me. There is competitive skiing, but from what I've seen, skiing seems to get lumped in with stuff like snowboarding, where it's a low-key sort of competitiveness, and most people are more interested in just doing cool stuff.
Support what he wants to do, definitely, but I would also say that if he's into skiing already, then as to your concerns about whether he'll be a social pariah, I think you have little to worry about.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:39 AM on January 6, 2009
Support what he wants to do, definitely, but I would also say that if he's into skiing already, then as to your concerns about whether he'll be a social pariah, I think you have little to worry about.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:39 AM on January 6, 2009
Have you checked around with local towns? My town's Parks and Recreation department offers kid sports that meet once a week, and that's what my third grader has been doing for the last couple of years. It's laid back, she has fun, and there are plenty of (other) non-jocky kids on her teams.
posted by gnomeloaf at 10:40 AM on January 6, 2009
posted by gnomeloaf at 10:40 AM on January 6, 2009
If he likes skiing, then he'll love snowboarding, and if he loves skateboarding, he'll love skateboarding, and if he loves skateboarding, he's 7/10th of the way to being an awesome punk rock kid that you can dress in your old leather jacket and teach how to tag bridges.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:48 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:48 AM on January 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
On preview, I grew up in Silver Spring and I don't recall being forced to do too many sports things. Unless you count MSI, which you shouldn't because that is a dangerous cult.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:50 AM on January 6, 2009
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:50 AM on January 6, 2009
I agree with everyone suggesting non-competitive athletic endeavors. It's good to feel good in your body, even if you're turned off by competition. Rock climbing, gymnastics, skateboarding, swimming, geo-caching- all might be things he'd like. I was a non-athletic kid, but ended up for several years on a competitive horse vaulting team, which I wasn't great at, but I enjoyed because it involved horses and was a strange, off-beat sport that no one else at my school did (or had even heard of, actually). I definitely would have been a lot clumsier and less confident in certain ways if I hadn't been involved in it. As an adult, I coached gymnastics for many years, including a "competitive" 6-7 year old boys team. My little team was half awesome super atheletes; and half quiet, sensitive kids who had really responded well to my style of coaching. The sensitive kids I didn't necessarily expect to stick with competition forever, but I saw much bigger changes in their attitudes, self esteem, and even posture than I did in the naturally physically gifted kids. Sometimes athletics are wasted on the athletes. I'm kidding, of course, but really, I got the most joy out of the students that showed the most personal growth in my classes and that more often than not, were never destined to be competitive gymnasts.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:59 AM on January 6, 2009
posted by oneirodynia at 10:59 AM on January 6, 2009
My parents never pushed me into any physical activity or taught me anything about how to eat healthy, and I was a big fat mess until around age 16. I had few friends and very low self-esteem up until that point. I lost a lot of weight through dieting, but never really picked up on exercise until 5 years after that.
Part of why I thought I didn't like team sports was because I didn't understand the rules and strategy of the games. I had no interest in some sports until I started watching them in college and having the rules explained to me by other guys in the room. It was only at that moment that I thought "oh, THAT'S where the fun comes from". But then when I had the interest to try playing baseball or football I was the only guy around who couldn't throw, catch, bat, you name it. It definitely took the wind out of my sails.
Now as I'm trying to get into non-team physical activities like skiing and running I also feel like it would have been good to have started at an earlier age. But again, my parents were too busy trying to keep me happy by letting me eat pizza and drink eight Mountain Dews per day while I played Quake in my bedroom with the door shut.
I'm glad that I wasn't forced into anything, but I may have benefitted from being introduced and educated to a basic level with a variety of activities.
posted by adamk at 11:00 AM on January 6, 2009
Part of why I thought I didn't like team sports was because I didn't understand the rules and strategy of the games. I had no interest in some sports until I started watching them in college and having the rules explained to me by other guys in the room. It was only at that moment that I thought "oh, THAT'S where the fun comes from". But then when I had the interest to try playing baseball or football I was the only guy around who couldn't throw, catch, bat, you name it. It definitely took the wind out of my sails.
Now as I'm trying to get into non-team physical activities like skiing and running I also feel like it would have been good to have started at an earlier age. But again, my parents were too busy trying to keep me happy by letting me eat pizza and drink eight Mountain Dews per day while I played Quake in my bedroom with the door shut.
I'm glad that I wasn't forced into anything, but I may have benefitted from being introduced and educated to a basic level with a variety of activities.
posted by adamk at 11:00 AM on January 6, 2009
Take your kid's description and add "bookworm" and you have me. Skiing was the only sport I liked as a kid, wasn't much good at anything else. After several moves, I was not only the unathletic dork but also the new kid, which sucked, but I found friends and met this nice girl (who eventually married me) and I still mostly suck at sports, but I have fun trying. Can't run as well as a lot of guys my age but I do enjoy running. Stunk in Little League, but my dad was the coach, and he didn't expect us to do anything except try our best and have fun, so I didn't hate it - and was surprised to find that I wasn't bad at softball playing in a non-competitive league while in grad school. Not great, but I did OK. And I still like to ski, when I can, and I'm still not half bad at it.
My advice? Get involved as the kind of parent every skinny, unathletic kid should have: The dad that encourages you to have fun, try your best, and is happy if you're happy no matter the score. The dad that will sit through the entire soccer game even though it's pouring rain and you've been on the sidelines for most of it and you're down by 5 points, and will greet you with a smile and a hug after it's over. The kind of dad that points out to you while watching a hockey game that the best part of it all is the way the players line up at the end to say "good game" because class and good sportsmanship is more important than showing off and gloating. And of course, the kind of dad that remembers spending time together is way more important than what activity you might be doing - doesn't matter if it's playing catch or rewiring a 3-way switch, if you're good at something you should be proud of it, and Dad will be there to encourage you.
posted by caution live frogs at 11:10 AM on January 6, 2009
My advice? Get involved as the kind of parent every skinny, unathletic kid should have: The dad that encourages you to have fun, try your best, and is happy if you're happy no matter the score. The dad that will sit through the entire soccer game even though it's pouring rain and you've been on the sidelines for most of it and you're down by 5 points, and will greet you with a smile and a hug after it's over. The kind of dad that points out to you while watching a hockey game that the best part of it all is the way the players line up at the end to say "good game" because class and good sportsmanship is more important than showing off and gloating. And of course, the kind of dad that remembers spending time together is way more important than what activity you might be doing - doesn't matter if it's playing catch or rewiring a 3-way switch, if you're good at something you should be proud of it, and Dad will be there to encourage you.
posted by caution live frogs at 11:10 AM on January 6, 2009
Definitely encourage your kid to pursue his interests and don't push him. However, I do think little league sports can be invaluable to a kid's development, helping to instill the values of intangibles like teamwork, practice, fairness and good sportsmanship. Stay away from coaches and leagues that seem hyper-competitive.
posted by gnutron at 11:21 AM on January 6, 2009
posted by gnutron at 11:21 AM on January 6, 2009
This was my son, and based on our own experience I would say it's a bit early to be too terribly concerned. I found that generally, I was about 6-9 months ahead of my son - if I was worried that he wasn't making friends or participating in activities, it tended to sort itself out before the year was out. This seemed to hold true for all kinds of things, so I just tried to adjust my worry-meter. If I had that nagging feeling, I'd just tell myself "give him 6 months, then worry". I had the same concern about sports - we did little league and a real JERK of a coach turned my son off sports for a while. But eventually, after a "learn to skate" class at age 8 or so, he picked up ice hockey and LOVES it. I think, as others have said, that the key is to let your son find it and encourage him all you can.
I think the best thing you can do is to say "yes" to everything that's reasonable.
posted by ersatzkat at 12:03 PM on January 6, 2009
I think the best thing you can do is to say "yes" to everything that's reasonable.
posted by ersatzkat at 12:03 PM on January 6, 2009
I was short, round, and non-athletic as a child; it's hard to be athletic when your nose is buried in a book. But I loved martial arts. Some schools focus on competition with other students, but mine was more about refining your own skills, with sparring not so much about beating the other person but using what you know.
The other thing that got me out of the house was my bike. I loved bike riding. If your son is mechanically inclined, he can learn to maintain and modify the bike.
posted by lekvar at 12:17 PM on January 6, 2009
The other thing that got me out of the house was my bike. I loved bike riding. If your son is mechanically inclined, he can learn to maintain and modify the bike.
posted by lekvar at 12:17 PM on January 6, 2009
My brother is the least athletic person I ever met. My parents encouraged him to do the things he was interested in and that turned out to be art and writing. He turned out to be a wonderful, imaginative writer. So I would say encourage him to do the things he likes. One word of caution though: It is really important for his health that he remain active and exercise throughout his life. So it would be good if you could find at least one activity (biking, swimming, tennis) that will be fun for him and that he can do for exercise. The problem with the non-exercise inclined is that they end up as couch potatoes which can turn into a health problem later in life (it certainly has for my brother).
posted by bananafish at 12:19 PM on January 6, 2009
posted by bananafish at 12:19 PM on January 6, 2009
In my experience a boy's father has much more impact on his sense of self worth than all of his peers. I wouldn't worry too much.
posted by muscat at 12:59 PM on January 6, 2009
posted by muscat at 12:59 PM on January 6, 2009
I was your son, too. In my case, it wasn't because I didn't like the sports per se, but because I was terrible, compared to kids in my age group. What passed for PE at my schools was more like barely-supervised recess. There was very little actual instructing going on. I do remember one coach at one point taking the time to show me the basic volleyball skills (bump, set, etc) and spend a little time making sure I was doing it right. Suddenly I liked volleyball ok.
I actually tried joining the basketball team once, just so I could have a real coach show me how to do it right. Alas, you had to actually be good already to be on the team, and I was cut before it got much past conditioning drills.
I'm not sure I would have wanted to commit to professional lessons in any one sport. I do wish there had been something like CrossFit Kids for me.
posted by ctmf at 1:05 PM on January 6, 2009
I actually tried joining the basketball team once, just so I could have a real coach show me how to do it right. Alas, you had to actually be good already to be on the team, and I was cut before it got much past conditioning drills.
I'm not sure I would have wanted to commit to professional lessons in any one sport. I do wish there had been something like CrossFit Kids for me.
posted by ctmf at 1:05 PM on January 6, 2009
My point of view here is as a mother of five boys (ages 12-23) who are so different from each other I'm often wondering how they can be brothers. The two oldest were in the same frame of mind as your son, they were never really interested in too many structured competitive sports. The oldest did eventually play basketball in junior/senior high and baseball as a teenager, the 2nd oldest only played some hockey and baseball as a teenager, and no jr/sr high school sports at all. They had many good friends through school and now, many of which were very involved in all the competitive team sports available. They were and are happy and well-adjusted, in part, i think, because we never treated their decisions to not be involved in sport as right or wrong, it was just who they were. Activity was always encouraged, they rode bikes, went swimming, played outside and I feel that is important as a health issue. I would be concerned about a child who didn't participate in sport and was inactive as well which doesn't sound as if it's an issue in your case. One thing I have learned over the years is that I needn't have worried as much as I always did, things seemed to have worked out for my kids in spite of my worries and I think I sometimes actually stressed them worrying about things that weren't even really bothering them! Hope that helps a bit, sorry for going on so long!
posted by albertagirl at 1:27 PM on January 6, 2009
posted by albertagirl at 1:27 PM on January 6, 2009
Response by poster: @ muscat: FWIW, I'm his Mom.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 1:28 PM on January 6, 2009
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 1:28 PM on January 6, 2009
Funny how much emphasis is put on competitive sport, team sports, etc. for our kids, and how little it really matters once they reach adulthood anyway!
posted by albertagirl at 1:43 PM on January 6, 2009
posted by albertagirl at 1:43 PM on January 6, 2009
I loathed competitive sports as a kid. I still do. I loved waterskiing, downhill skiing, and (as an older teen) aikido. Still do.
My parents forced me to take a couple of years of little league anyway. The only effect was to make me hate sports even more than I already did. Waste of a lot of perfectly decent summer afternoons, standing around in a field waiting for somebody to hit a ball with a stick.
Not all boys like sports. There is nothing wrong with that.
I worry that he will have difficulty since it's so common for athletic prowess to be expected and rewarded in boys.
Difficulty with what? Taking part in an activity he doesn't enjoy in the first place?
This will only be a problem if you make it a problem. Sure, some of the other kids will not socialize with him because he's not into sports. There is always going to be some reason why some of the other kids won't socialize with him; that's part of being a kid. Or an adult for that matter.
posted by ook at 2:07 PM on January 6, 2009
My parents forced me to take a couple of years of little league anyway. The only effect was to make me hate sports even more than I already did. Waste of a lot of perfectly decent summer afternoons, standing around in a field waiting for somebody to hit a ball with a stick.
Not all boys like sports. There is nothing wrong with that.
I worry that he will have difficulty since it's so common for athletic prowess to be expected and rewarded in boys.
Difficulty with what? Taking part in an activity he doesn't enjoy in the first place?
This will only be a problem if you make it a problem. Sure, some of the other kids will not socialize with him because he's not into sports. There is always going to be some reason why some of the other kids won't socialize with him; that's part of being a kid. Or an adult for that matter.
posted by ook at 2:07 PM on January 6, 2009
Nthing swimming. I joined my pool's swim team when I was his age, and it was the perfect sport for me: very few rules, no physical contact with anyone else, and it's as competitive as you make it, which for me was beating my personal records. His height might even give him an advantage over kids in his age group.
posted by coppermoss at 3:58 PM on January 6, 2009
posted by coppermoss at 3:58 PM on January 6, 2009
I am another "no sports as a kid" male who turned out OK. I would like to nominate Rock Climbing as a possible sport substitute for your son - it can be non competitive while remaining challenging and confidence boosting.
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 4:59 PM on January 6, 2009
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 4:59 PM on January 6, 2009
Psst: If/when he starts getting into video games, try steering him toward cooperative ones. You can learn a lot about communication from the out loud planning that goes along in stuff like that and the sense of comradery is really pleasant.
posted by NoraReed at 6:26 PM on January 6, 2009
posted by NoraReed at 6:26 PM on January 6, 2009
Other than trying out non-competitive/team sports, I have a random suggestion... what about music? 7 may or may not be a bit young but his creative/mechanical side may thrive with a go on the guitar or drums.
posted by like_neon at 4:44 AM on January 7, 2009
posted by like_neon at 4:44 AM on January 7, 2009
Here's another voice in favor of swimming. Despite what the current Phelps mania would have you think, swimming isn't necessarily competitive, it's great for learning to coordinate your limbs and there are many different styles, so you can always enjoy and take pride in those that suit you better.
His confidence from learning to ski will serve him well in and out of sports, anyway.
posted by ersatz at 6:51 AM on January 7, 2009
His confidence from learning to ski will serve him well in and out of sports, anyway.
posted by ersatz at 6:51 AM on January 7, 2009
I'm catching up after being out of town for a couple of weeks, so just skimmed the answers here, and I hope I'm not duplicating someone else's answer; Destination Imagination. My not interested in team sports son did this for several years with a group of friends and really loved it. It's been a few years now since they aged out/got too busy with other stuff, but he still talks about the program and how valuable the skills he learned there have been to him. Of course a lot depends on the adult overseeing the team, but my son learned tons about brainstorming ideas in a supportive environment, teamwork and really stretching himself creatively. I highly recommend the program.
posted by jvilter at 5:07 PM on January 20, 2009
posted by jvilter at 5:07 PM on January 20, 2009
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posted by hellboundforcheddar at 7:37 AM on January 6, 2009