end the attachment cycle

December 23, 2008 8:11 AM

I want to stop being a relationship-machine and start having something more casual. Why do I get attached so quickly? And how do I prevent myself from getting attached so I can have more fun?

I’m female, 27, and I’ve had 3 significant relationships over the past 6 years. My recent Very Serious Relationship ended in October. We were very serious, headed towards marriage, and the breakup was abrupt and staggering. Initially it was awful, but now I feel great, and I’m taking some time for myself and for traveling. I’m in school, and moving to a new city after graduation. I’m not planning to really date until after I move; I want to use the next 6 months to just get my head on straight, figure out what happened, and build myself back up.

Although – I have started casually seeing/hooking up with someone at school. It’s tons of fun and clearly not going anywhere. He’s someone I don’t see a future with, and we’re moving very far away after graduation. I’ve never successfully done the casual/rebound thing before, but I like it. We have fun together. I don’t expect either of us to be monogamous, though I think we both have been. I would totally understand breaking this off if either of us met someone we liked better.

Except that I find myself feeling attached to this guy after just a few weeks. We’re on winter break and I’m constantly checking my phone to see if he’s texted me. In the past, I’ve shied away from more casual things because I was worried that getting physical would lead to attachments, but I *really* don’t want to be in a relationship right now, so I thought it would be ok. And I don't want to end this. I like it, and it's helped me feel a lot better after a really crappy breakup.

I don’t get it – half my brain is thinking “I don’t want to be in a relationship! It’s so great to have something light, casual and fun!” And the other half is thinking, “why hasn’t he called?? Will I be devastated if it’s over when we get back from break?” But I’m not that crazy about the guy. I’m worried that I automatically go into attachment mode, and I think that’s not healthy for me or my relationships. How do I understand the attachment part of my brain? Can I prevent myself from attaching when I don't want to so I can just… have fun?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Maybe the only way not to get attached is to break things off?
posted by ginagina at 8:20 AM on December 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

This obviously varies from person to person, but for me, it is all about expectations- not just from myself, but from the other person. In the past, until we both sat down and made it clear this wasn't going anywhere and were in it just for the fun factor, I felt like you. Once I knew the other person was also in it casually and nothing serious would happen, my expectation level dropped. No longer did I expect this to go anywhere, and I stopped worrying about OMG is she going to call.
posted by jmd82 at 8:26 AM on December 23, 2008

The way I see it, there's two ways to change your thinking in the near term: therapy or action. Tony Robbins-esque epiphanies won't do it. As for taking action, I think your best bet is having more men in your life, so that each one is presumably less special. But I understand that many women have issues about doing that sort of thing.
posted by mpls2 at 8:34 AM on December 23, 2008

in the near term
posted by mpls2 at 8:35 AM on December 23, 2008

Are you checking your phone because you're attached to the guy or because you want the attention? I used to get into trouble because I thought I was growing attached to or really into somebody just to get bored and realize I just liked the attention they gave me.

Things got a lot easier when I figured that out.
posted by PFL at 8:47 AM on December 23, 2008 [8 favorites]

Some of us aren't wired for casual hookups, as much as we'd like to be.
posted by desjardins at 9:00 AM on December 23, 2008 [9 favorites]

I am the same way and the only way I found that helps is you either have to admit you can't do the casual thing or you need to make sure you always have 3 men at a same (and duh, practice safe sex if you are sleeping with all three, which I'm sure you don't need to be told). It helps keep your mind off one in particular so you're not so obsessive with the phone (again, I'm the same). It IS a lot of work to go that route, but helps keep everything casual.

And don't forget hanging out with girlfriends more! That also helps.
posted by getmetoSF at 9:06 AM on December 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

When you get a little older you will find more people are looking for the same thing: fun.

People in their 20's are hooked on the whole attachment/exclusivity/jealousy thing- and they get married because of it. You would think it would be the opposite. The social/economical pressure to get married has turned it all upside down, I guess.

I would suggest dating older men who have become as "socially evolved" as you seem to be (your term "reationship machine" is a clue that you are).
posted by Zambrano at 9:17 AM on December 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

I am at attachor myself. It happens every time, even if I am not really into the person.

How do I understand the attachment part of my brain?

One reason is an actual hormone. It's called Oxytocin and it really does create an attachment to who you are sleeping with. Moreso with women then men, they say. It is released with physical touch, massage, sex, orgasm, etc. It is what creates bonding and attachment in the physical side of things.

from psychecentral:

Bonding. In the Prairie Vole, oxytocin released into the brain of the female during sexual activity is important for forming a monogamous pair bond with her sexual partner. Vasopressin appears to have a similar effect in males.[13] In people, plasma concentrations of oxytocin have been reported to be higher amongst people who claim to be falling in love.[citation needed] Oxytocin has a role in social behaviors in many species, and so it seems likely that it has similar roles in humans.

You can read more here.

Dating more than one person, or not having sex with who you date are both ways that can keep you from getting too attached.
posted by Vaike at 9:35 AM on December 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Sorry, that psychcentral quote is actually from wikipedia.

and I meant 'I am an', not 'I am at'. Now I get the whole: don't type w/o coffee thing...
posted by Vaike at 9:40 AM on December 23, 2008

Find someone new.
posted by rhizome at 9:44 AM on December 23, 2008

Er, Zambrano I don't think her problem is other people, nor do I think it's necessary to be "socially evolved" in this way. You may have misread her question. She cannot have casual flings because she gets attached really easily.

Anon could just be not the kind of person who can have sex and not feel that chemical snap of romance. I've had some gfs who were like this (actually... is that you baby? I hope so, glad you're playing the field again!)...and as long as they were honest and didn't have full-on sex unless they had warned the guy, they usually manage to mitigate total devastation into just mild bummers if relationships don't come out of that. So keep it in your pants (or at least keep from actually screwing until you know it's serious).

But all this is besides the point.

Anon's question really isn't "What can I do to to be more casual." It's "OMG I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY HALP!" You want a real relationship now. Can you try to make it work even though it makes no sense? Should you? Sure, why the fuck not? The worst you can do it make the breakup more complicated but so what you're breaking up anyway, go for it!

As a grownup, I'm never surprised or upset when a woman that I thought was just interested in causal sex starts steering it towards boyfriendness. That's just the way it goes. Sometimes I've started dating them for real, sometimes broken it off, but it was never like, a constitutional crime or something. Next time maybe just be honest with yourself and reserve the right at the start of anything to change your mind and convert sex into love. Maybe eventually you'll be able to have NSA encounters, but until then work to contain the fallout of your identifiable tendencies.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:46 AM on December 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

you're afraid of being alone, that it will suck and you will be miserable and wish you weren't and that you'll grow old, have twenty cats and die.

none of that is true. being alone is okay. get okay with is and enjoy casual dating.
posted by krautland at 10:04 AM on December 23, 2008

Anon's question really isn't "What can I do to to be more casual." It's "OMG I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY HALP!" You want a real relationship now.

That is certainly not what the OP is saying. PFL's advise is good - check if it isn't just a case of wanting attention. More than that, maybe you have trouble dealing with perceived rejection (i.e., him not texting or calling), even when you're not all that interested in the guy. For some people, it can suck to realize the other party is just as much not into you as you aren't into them. You need to do a bit of introspection and figure out if you can get over that.
posted by neblina_matinal at 10:26 AM on December 23, 2008

Neblina_: Crap you're right, I somehow missed the line: "I’m not that crazy about the guy". Scratch the last half of my answer.

But I still think that some people just cannot be casual about sex, and shouldn't mess themselves up trying to change that. Possibly try being alone for a while. Even a month without any action can be good for the brainpipes sometimes in terms of defining what you want and when.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:43 AM on December 23, 2008

There's no rule saying you can't have a good crush and fun times with this guy, looking forward to his texts/calls and all, and still not have a relationship with him. "Casual" doesn't have to mean "without feelings" and there is room for affection here. Maybe this can be part of how you broaden your definition of dating to include less serious relationships.

It's worked for me in the past. It's important to be honest with him if it comes time to re-evaluate what you guys are doing, and don't (either of ou) fall into a relationship just because it's easier than giving it up when the time comes. Let it run it's course and enjoy it.
posted by juliplease at 10:53 AM on December 23, 2008

I get attached to prairie voles even after a one night stand. Damn you oxytocin!
posted by benzenedream at 11:19 AM on December 23, 2008 [5 favorites]

For me, when I get like this, it's more a habit triggered by chemicals than anything emotionally significant. Just let that part of your brain do its thing, but keep reminding yourself that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't mean anything. It certainly doesn't mean that you need to get more serious with this particular guy - that bit of your brain would do it with anybody, in that situation. That was the key, for me - once the higher functions of my brain figured it out, the lizard brain could obsess to its little heart's content and not really disrupt my life.
posted by restless_nomad at 11:29 AM on December 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

As a psychotic attacher myself, it's not really something you can break yourself of too well. The heart wants a commitment, dammit! *sigh*, even if the brain does not. This may not be something you can break yourself out of even if you try.

At the very least, since you are on break right now, it's forcing you to spend some time apart and not go into auto-cling. This is good. Stop checking your dang phone (turn it off if you can, perhaps?), remind yourself that booty calls probably aren't going to get called a lot while you're on vacation, and try as best you can not to think about him and/or your hormones. Luckily, this is a fairly distracting time of year for that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:15 PM on December 23, 2008

Your instinct is healthy, really. You are trying to teach yourself how to sometimes live life that "doesn't really count" but your subconscious wants to live in a way that builds on itself toward a goal, with a purpose. I have often had the opposite problem and had trouble getting projects off the ground (including personal-life "projects" like relationships, always waiting for something perfect instead of starting things for real and leading an active life) because of it. If you are aware that you are "taking time off" of life, maybe you can have these fun little flings you crave, but in the end, there is no real need for them. You may as well spend the time with friends / single.

Just break up with the guy if you feel it is getting too serious and he's not right for you.
posted by mdn at 2:54 PM on December 23, 2008

Vaike has it: oxytocin. That's what's driving your feelings of attachment. Oxytocin doesn't care whether you and your lover are a good fit. It just does its thing.

I had a similar attitude to yours when I was in my twenties. But once I learned that oxytocin would create feelings of attachment in me (sooner or later) without regard to my conscious intentions, I decided to be more careful. Now I refrain from getting sexually involved with anyone I don't want to get serious with.

Which means, in practice, that I've passed up a few tempting opportunities and remained celibate for longer than I'd like. But for me, this is better than getting inappropriately attached to someone I know I'm not compatible with for the long term. I've already been down that road, and it ended in a broken heart for me.

So if my experience is any indication, it's unlikely that you'll be able to stop yourself from attaching. You said you don't want to get more attached, so I'd say your best bet is to stop sleeping with this guy.
posted by velvet winter at 5:04 PM on December 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

Yeah, whether it's oxytocin or more complicated, I've never met anyone who could change their "relational style" in the direction of "not get attached" when they tend to do this. I've certainly heard of people going the opposite direction-- ie, they are casual and then "settle down" but I've not seen it happen the other way in any kind of healthy situation.

I suppose if you had tons of sequential one-night stands, always being sure to dump anyone you found yourself quite liking and certainly never seeing such people more than once, you might condition yourself into it with enough repetition.

But I imagine this would be traumatic, extremely difficult to actually do and hard to reverse if you did actually succeed-- and I can't imagine why anyone would actually want to do this.
posted by Maias at 6:47 PM on December 23, 2008

i went from being attachment-prone, one-girl-guy to casual dating of multiple partners. i find it's fairly easy to get used to if you follow these few rules:

1) be honest with everyone - you date multiple people. get it out there on the first date or two so no one's upset when you arent available some saturday night.
2) never see any one "date" more than once a week, even if you're tempted. this is important.
3) fill up your date book with dates. go out and get multiple dating partners, don't be lazy about it. it's easier to be casual with one person when you know you're seeing someone else later that week regardless.

you don't have to sleep with everyone you date, but sleeping with more than one of them counteracts that whole oxytocin effect.
posted by messiahwannabe at 10:05 PM on December 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

Hmmmmm....

I did this also. Here's my advice:

1.) Don't sleep with everyone.
2.) Keep your standards (no need to date someone just to date someone)
3.) Take time to hang out with yourself
4.) Keep yourself emotionally removed - don't reveal too much, don't give yourself away, don't volunteer favors etc. Keep your distance (curbs the attachment and keeps you from being hurt).

And after a few months of dating (came out of series of LTRs), I realized I am and will always be a serial monogamist, a passionate lover and that I can't fulfill that (and be myself) with casual dating. And I'm ok with that and pretty happy that I figured it out.

Worthwhile activity to pursue though.
posted by HolyWood at 3:46 PM on January 19, 2009 [3 favorites]