Add my dad on facebook friends?

December 23, 2008 3:18 AM

Argh! I just found my dad on facebook. Do I add him as a friend? I feel I should, but I feel a bit odd about it. further info, I'm mid-thirties, and he's twice my age.
posted by singingfish to Society & Culture (42 answers total)

Response by poster: p.s. I just noticed he's been a member for 18 months and has no facebook friends.
posted by singingfish at 3:20 AM on December 23, 2008

Seeing as he's been a member for so long, as doesn't have any friends, he probably just signed up to check it out, because people were talking about it, but doesn't use it anymore.

However, in case by chance he does use it, and you add him: would you feel comfortable with him knowing every status update you make? every comment your friends post on your wall? photos your friends tag of you from your college days? Would you feel the need to explain any of this to him? {I know you're in your mid-thirties, so it's not like you're a drunken teenager, but it doesn't mean you don't necessarily reveal a different side of yourself on your Facebook, than you reveal to your parents}

Personally, I wouldn't. I'm not sure why you "feel you should", but especially since he doesn't seem to use it, there really isn't any good reason to.
posted by hasna at 3:33 AM on December 23, 2008

Best answer: I would wait for him to friend you. He probably signed up and then forgot about it.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 3:34 AM on December 23, 2008

Nothing wrong with it, I guess, but it does kind of depend. Are you prone to uploading/having your friends upload photo albums full of pictures of you drunk? Anything you don't really want him to know about?

If he hasn't added you, I wouldn't bother. The real dilemma comes when he tries to add you. I'd leave it, unless you have a business-like profile with nothing particularly exciting going on.
posted by jaffacakerhubarb at 3:35 AM on December 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Not to be snarky, but is there some reason you wouldn't add him as a friend?
posted by Solomon at 3:47 AM on December 23, 2008

No. He would have asked you to be his friend if he wanted to be involved on facebook. Do you have any siblings who are on FB who also have not yet friended him? Ignore it. You never saw it. If he ever brings it up act surprised.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:50 AM on December 23, 2008

If you're really paranoid about he seeing things you don't want him to, you could only give him limited access to your information. Might be a compromise?
posted by Mattat at 4:00 AM on December 23, 2008

wow, you need global consensus to decide that?
depends what u use facebook for.
i tip the answer is no.
posted by edtut at 4:14 AM on December 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

Since your Dad isn't an active user, I'd say don't add him - Unless you want to, personally I have both my parents added on facebook, as do my siblings as it's a handy way to keep in touch and share photos rather then trying to get them to use Twitter, my blog, flickr etc all individually.


I can imagine younger kids might want to keep their parents off their backs, but I figure once you hit your mid twenties or even earlier, you're all adults and don't have anything to hide from each other. And as has been mentioned, there is the limited profile option.
posted by paulfreeman at 4:16 AM on December 23, 2008

Gosh, I'd add my dad on facebook in a second (I'm also in my mid-thirties, and my dad is in his mid-sixties), but I don't really use it all that much any more. Since scrabulous might make a come-back, it might be nice to have some games of scrabble going with him. My dad is on twitter, flickr, IM and has a blog, and it's great! I introduced him to each of these. I'd create a facebook profile for him if he'd let me. I even made my dad a second life avatar.

It depends on the relationship you have with your dad, and what exactly you do on facebook.
posted by Hildegarde at 4:29 AM on December 23, 2008

No way is my answer. facebook is for peers not parents! for me anyway. not for everyone but i feel strongly that its FINE to keep some parts of your life just for your peers. also im 31 and live in a different country to my folks, they can see my flickr and my blog and i email them often enough. facebook is friends only. dont feel bad about it.
posted by beccyjoe at 4:52 AM on December 23, 2008

I've added my mom, an aunt and an uncle. I'm mid-thirties as well.

The only time it becomes an issue is when I contemplate changing my status update while drinking.
posted by Lucinda at 4:53 AM on December 23, 2008

On the one hand, I'm in my forties and have Facebook contacts ranging in age from 16 to 70. On the other hand, one of those is not my 19 year old son. When I think back to when I was 19, (imaging that there was an accessible internet in 1983), I definitely would not have friended my parents but by the time I was in my thirties, my parents were essentially my peers and I definately would have.
posted by octothorpe at 5:24 AM on December 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm mid-sort of-50's, and my kids are in their early 20's. My attitude is that it's their serve. If they want to 'friend' me, fine, but I'd never ask to 'friend' them or their friends. And if the one who has friended me decided to unfriend me, I wouldn't be perturbed. I'm careful of what I put on FB, but they're going through a lively time of life, and there's no reason they or their friends should have to censor themselves (though Lord knows, I warned my kids often enough that the internet is forever.)
posted by mojohand at 5:24 AM on December 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

I've added my in-laws along with cousins ranging from 60to 12, and aunts and uncles. Unless you have some secret alternate life I wouldn't worry to much about it!
posted by miss tea at 5:24 AM on December 23, 2008

i'm about 10-15 years older than my nieces/nephews and when i "friended" them, they didn't accept.
posted by elle.jeezy at 5:25 AM on December 23, 2008

Don't do it.
I added my mother as a friend on friendface and discovered she'd listed her current mood as "sensual".
posted by seanyboy at 5:25 AM on December 23, 2008 [34 favorites]

I'm a little younger than you but had the same thing happen.
I facebooked my last name and found my dads friendless, photoless listing. I didn't add him because I wasnt positive I wanted him seeing all the posts, updates, and pictures, and figured (must have been correct) that he'd signed up to check it out but didnt actively use it or anything.

Then about a month ago I got a friend request. I saw my dad now had all of our extended relatives added...so I decided I should accept (and add the others too), and not post anything that would completely shock him. Unless you lead a double life of sorts hopefully it wouldn't come to that anyway, under 21 have more to worry about.
Its been nice, now he can see all my pictures and the things going on in my life that I havent told him about. I think its nice for parents, especially ones not as involved anymore, to have another way to stay in their children's lives.

The only difference for me has been that I often delete the "recent actions" off my wall so that it doesn't show all the comments I've made on other pages.

In summary... wait til he requests to add you... then you should probably say yes but put a really limited profile if you have reason to.
posted by nzydarkxj at 5:30 AM on December 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Don't add him. Don't mention it to him. If you feel guilty, write him an email.

A long-ago friend believed in "the principle of decent hypocrisy," which meant that both parent and child tacitly understood that though they both knew certain things were happening, each preferred not to know for sure.

See also: seanyboy's sensual mom.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:54 AM on December 23, 2008

Doesn't anyone use the privacy settings? It is possible to have friends who don't have global privileges.
posted by fixedgear at 5:59 AM on December 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

I added my father against my inner-feelings, and it's really opened up our communication with each other.
He loves it because he gets a 'feel' or what I'm doing day to day.
posted by whoda at 6:09 AM on December 23, 2008

What's your relationship with your dad? I'm not surprised that so many people are saying no, but I am surprised that the answers seem so one-sided. My mom is my friend on facebook (I'm 26, she's about twice my age), as is her sister (my aunt) and dozens of cousins. We're a tight-knit family, but if you're not friendly with your dad, you might not want to friend him.

If you're worried about what might show up on his news feed from you, limit his access with the privacy settings.
posted by sjuhawk31 at 6:11 AM on December 23, 2008

I'm 58, my daughter is 16, and we're both on Facebook as friends. Why not? I guess it all depends on how much you like your parents/offspring. My daughter and I like each other just fine. Like sjuhawk31 says, you can edit your privacy settings if you think you need to. No biggie.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 6:15 AM on December 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Why don't you ask him about it? Like, "hey dad, I saw you on Facebook!" and see how he reacts. If he doesn't have any other friends, he probably just set it up once and never looked at it again. If he sounds interested, go ahead and add him, with the privacy level of your choosing.
posted by emd3737 at 6:28 AM on December 23, 2008

It totally depends on your relationship. My father is the perpetually disappointed sort of person, so I'd be bound to get emails like "I see your friend so-and-so from college has [cushy job], why are you spending time on facebook instead of looking for better employment?" Thank god he couldn't figure out my metafilter username even if he knew about the site.
posted by desjardins at 6:39 AM on December 23, 2008

You won't have your Dad forever. Why not add him as a friend and post some stuff on his wall?
posted by txvtchick at 6:41 AM on December 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

Do you two have a good relationship? Then yes.

Do you wish you two would talk more? Then yes.

When he's dead will you look back and wish you had talked more? Then yes.

Worried about him seeing certain things? Then make an invite only Facebook group for the family, where everyone can keep in touch.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:50 AM on December 23, 2008

I wouldn't bother adding him just because it sounds like he never uses facebook if he has no friends on there.

But I'm surprised people are saying no! I'm friends with my mom on fb, I'm even friends with an ex-boyfriend's mom on myspace. I don't have anything to hide - they know I drink, and they know that any retarded comment a friend makes on my page doesn't mean that I'm into weird fetish goat sex or whatever else a random comment might contain to try embarrass me. Also, my mom isn't nosy so I know she doesn't check up on me every day and check my friend's pages to see who they are. But if your parents are nosy I can see that being a problem.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 7:04 AM on December 23, 2008

By the time you're in your mid-thirties, what are you doing that would shock your parents but that you're still willing to list on a public web site?

I agree that he probably forgot about the account and you should wait for him to friend you first. But -- looking at the larger picture -- you should presume your dad, your boss, and everyone else you know can see your Facebook account. I've been sent screenshots from members-only websites before; I know someone who reads his daughter's blog, even though she hasn't spoken to him in 18 years.

I'm Facebook friends with my mom. And my uncle-in-law. And one of my kids' teachers. My therapist and my mom both know about my blog. This is all good, as it stops me from being a real jerkass on-line (I hope).

If I wanted to have a private life on the Internet, I would do it anonymously; I wouldn't count on a small hurdle like a Facebook password to keep things private.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:09 AM on December 23, 2008

No harm in adding him -- this is why facebook has customizable privacy settings and filters. You just tell Facebook exactly which parts of your profile Dad should be able to see. You can make a "family" or a "limited profile" and put him in there. He won't even know what he's missing, and you get peace of mind and maybe a few good rounds of Scrabble.
posted by dryad at 7:11 AM on December 23, 2008

This is The Facebook Wall that I think everyone except those with exceedingly boring lives will slam into eventually. Worlds can only collide so much without things becoming a giant clusterfuck.

So I think my vote is no, there, along with: I feel your pain.
posted by rokusan at 7:11 AM on December 23, 2008

If you're okay with "being yourself" in the presence of your Dad, then yes, by all means, friend him. If you still hold back parts of yourself when you're around him in person, it would seem like a bad idea to add him - simply because you'll have to hold yourself back online, too.
posted by VioletU at 7:39 AM on December 23, 2008

Just set him up as a limited profile friend, if there's anything you're uncomfortable with him seeing.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:04 AM on December 23, 2008

I found my dad in another popular social network. He didn't have any friends or a photo. When I told him, he had no idea he had an account there. I think somebody invited him and he forgot. I bet it's the same with your dad. Don't add him and don't feel guilty.
posted by clearlydemon at 8:14 AM on December 23, 2008

My daughter - she's in her mid twenties; I'm in my mid forties - is one of my Facebook friends and I don't think it bothers either one of us. Of course, we both hate Facebook and now we can bitch about it with each other: "If anyone ever sends me another stupid little green plant, I'm going to rip their lungs out" which is a nice bonding ritual. It never occurs to me to check her page or anything either. Maybe I should go do that right now. . .

Anyway, chances are your dad doesn't use the damn thing anyway and more power to him. If he friends you, then friend him back. Otherwise, let sleeping parents lie.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:33 AM on December 23, 2008

I don't know if this would be a deciding factor, but imagine him "checking it out then forgetting about it", as others have suggested... then after you add him he suddenly feels obliged to flesh out his profile & add more people for fear of looking "weird."
But maybe that's just me being weird.

I'd wait til he requests you first anyway. Or you could ask him in person if he'd be interested. It really depends on your relationship with him. I declined my father when he requested me, but I wouldn't have a problem with my mum following me if she wanted to.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 8:38 AM on December 23, 2008

The lovely thing about adding your parents is that then they can see when you're tagged in childhood pictures posted by friends that they'd never have seen otherwise. I think that's kind of magical.

Once you're thirty, if there are things about you on Facebook that you wouldn't want your parents to see, it's probably not Facebook that you're doing wrong...
posted by nicwolff at 10:35 AM on December 23, 2008

Ha ha, oh, some day my parents may connect to the internet. Maybe. They did get a DVD player last year.

If your Dad has no friends on Facebook he didn't go through the "find people you know" stage and probably doesn't care and never uses it. Probably he got an automated email from some friend or acquaintance who had signed up, started the sign-up process and then when it started to get to the find friends stage he gave up on it and hasn't been back since.

If you would not be bothered by him having access to your account, ask him about it. If you would don't mention it, it will never come up again.

I added my mother as a friend on friendface and discovered she'd listed her current mood as "sensual".

Is she hot?
posted by nanojath at 11:37 AM on December 23, 2008

my daughter is 16..needless to say, she didn't add me.
posted by sandra194 at 1:23 PM on December 23, 2008

FYI I believe that if a person invites someone to FB, and many newbies hit "invite all" on their address book, the invitee shows up in later searches as being there without a picture or friends or anything.
I have a Luddite friend who is very popular in the real world. If you search for his name or email address, he's there, a shadowy spectral FB presence, even though he has never logged into the site. I believe it's just because he's been invited to join. The same thing could have happened to your dad.
posted by CunningLinguist at 4:49 PM on December 23, 2008

For those not in the know, seanyboy was referring to episode 5 of season 3 of The IT Crowd.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:46 PM on December 27, 2008

Don't post anything on Facebook that would embarrass you if it were on the front page of your local newspaper. If it's attached to your real name, expect that it someday will be published there.

Also, remember that anything you do post there - such as pictures - is effectively a donation to FB's intellectual property. (Read the EULA. I don't post pics on FB, and you shouldn't either. That's what Flickr is for.)

If you have friends who post pictures of your naked, drunken revelries together, firmly ask that they be removed. If the friend won't comply, consider complaining to FB.

As for friending your Dad? I would. My parents aren't online, but the rest of my family is, and they're on my list along with long-lost elementary school classmates, professional contacts, and others. And if I wanted to post something about feeling "sensual" - well, I'd do that under a pseudonym. Not on Facebook.
posted by mikewas at 10:31 AM on December 28, 2008