I can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself!
December 4, 2008 7:50 PM Subscribe
What can I do to help my painfully antisocial, lonely, possibly depressed brother?
I was looking for scrap paper while visiting my family this thangsgiving day weekend and came across a homework that my brother submitted a year ago. The assignment was "write a poem about a childhood friend" and he just wrote "I cannot complete this assignment because I don't have any friends." It broke my heart seeing that.
My brother is 19, lives at home. He is painfully shy - can't call a classmate to get the HW, or ask for directions. He has absolutely no friends in real life since middle school - because we moved around a lot, and because he is so shy (he cries in class when doesn't know the answer! so obviously kids in HS ridiculed the hell out of him). He mumbles when he talks because he has absolutely no confidence. Once a year my mom and I drag him to go hiking with us, and his personality is the type where if a hill is too hard to climb, he'll stop, say he can't do it, and if 5 minutes later we try pushing him to keep going he'll give up and start crying. Part of this is because he had absolutely no male figure in his life growing up. He hugs his mom way too much, bugs her when she's sitting next to him by poking her, or petting her hand, probably because he has no one else in his life he can do that to.
He doesn't take care of himself - he's gained weight from sitting at home on the computer allllll day long, he has a lot of acne, he doesn't care about buying nicer clothes (not that he needs flashy clothes, but just sneakers that aren't smelly and are still in one piece would be nice). My mom took him to the dermatologist, got acne medication, but he just doesn't care to take it for some reason. He doesn't cut his nails as often as he should, just doesn't take care of himself and doesn't bother making himself presentable. He's not a bad looking kid, if he just bothered to take his acne medication and did 10 pushups a day. He refuses to go to the beach or wear shorts because he is uncomfortable with himself. This summer he asked me for help on losing 10 pounds, and when I pointed out "maybe you should drink water instead of that soda - that would be the easiest way to start" he just walked away from me and went off into the crowd and I couldn't find him for hours. Examples like this make me see that he *wants* to do something, and knows our suggestions are good, but can't take the truth about what he needs to do.
Redeeming qualities: He is brilliant at programming, a sweet guy overall (although SO stubborn, because of the constant battle with my mom because she tries suggesting things that would be better for him), can fix anything you ask him to. He has friends online that he talks to about his websites/servers/whatever else, but I can't imagine him not being lonely!
He is difficult to deal with - he still lies about handing in HW (he's only harming himself now!! he's the one helping pay for his college using money he earns from his websites.. it just makes no sense to me to fail when it's something you can easily do!), promises to get stuff done (say, chores by the time mom gets home from work) and then never does.
He went to see a therapist/psychiatrist (I forget the difference) a few times in HS, he was diagnosed as depressed. Then one day he came back from his session early, didn't say what happened, but says he wasn't ever going back.
Recently I was able to get him to come out to a comedy show with some of my friends (which was shocking, normally he'd just say no and stay in) and it was just SO painful to watch him socialize - my friends would ask him questions about where he goes to school, when he got his iPhone, and he would just mumble, even if it was about iPhones and his programming and stuff that interests him!
I feel that as the big sister I should try to help, it hurts me so much seeing the best years of his life go by like this, he's missing out on so much, and it scares me that his personality is as developed as a 12 year old - he doesn't know how to socialize with people. Soon he will be out of college, and I can't imagine him ever being able to work with anyone, the way he is.
My mom says he has a bit of the Asperger's symptoms.
What can I do to help?? I go home once a month or so and try to be social with him, try to talk to him as much as possible, but really, all I ever hear from him, on the phone or in real life, is a mumbly "i'm ok. nothing." and then silence, even if I ask questions.
Anything I can do to make him do simple things, like take his acne medication? Come out with my friends sometimes? I don't even know how to get him to make friends in real life, it seems impossible for someone like him. Any suggestions about this whole thing? I don't want him to be alone his whole life. Don't want him to live with his mom his whole life.
I was looking for scrap paper while visiting my family this thangsgiving day weekend and came across a homework that my brother submitted a year ago. The assignment was "write a poem about a childhood friend" and he just wrote "I cannot complete this assignment because I don't have any friends." It broke my heart seeing that.
My brother is 19, lives at home. He is painfully shy - can't call a classmate to get the HW, or ask for directions. He has absolutely no friends in real life since middle school - because we moved around a lot, and because he is so shy (he cries in class when doesn't know the answer! so obviously kids in HS ridiculed the hell out of him). He mumbles when he talks because he has absolutely no confidence. Once a year my mom and I drag him to go hiking with us, and his personality is the type where if a hill is too hard to climb, he'll stop, say he can't do it, and if 5 minutes later we try pushing him to keep going he'll give up and start crying. Part of this is because he had absolutely no male figure in his life growing up. He hugs his mom way too much, bugs her when she's sitting next to him by poking her, or petting her hand, probably because he has no one else in his life he can do that to.
He doesn't take care of himself - he's gained weight from sitting at home on the computer allllll day long, he has a lot of acne, he doesn't care about buying nicer clothes (not that he needs flashy clothes, but just sneakers that aren't smelly and are still in one piece would be nice). My mom took him to the dermatologist, got acne medication, but he just doesn't care to take it for some reason. He doesn't cut his nails as often as he should, just doesn't take care of himself and doesn't bother making himself presentable. He's not a bad looking kid, if he just bothered to take his acne medication and did 10 pushups a day. He refuses to go to the beach or wear shorts because he is uncomfortable with himself. This summer he asked me for help on losing 10 pounds, and when I pointed out "maybe you should drink water instead of that soda - that would be the easiest way to start" he just walked away from me and went off into the crowd and I couldn't find him for hours. Examples like this make me see that he *wants* to do something, and knows our suggestions are good, but can't take the truth about what he needs to do.
Redeeming qualities: He is brilliant at programming, a sweet guy overall (although SO stubborn, because of the constant battle with my mom because she tries suggesting things that would be better for him), can fix anything you ask him to. He has friends online that he talks to about his websites/servers/whatever else, but I can't imagine him not being lonely!
He is difficult to deal with - he still lies about handing in HW (he's only harming himself now!! he's the one helping pay for his college using money he earns from his websites.. it just makes no sense to me to fail when it's something you can easily do!), promises to get stuff done (say, chores by the time mom gets home from work) and then never does.
He went to see a therapist/psychiatrist (I forget the difference) a few times in HS, he was diagnosed as depressed. Then one day he came back from his session early, didn't say what happened, but says he wasn't ever going back.
Recently I was able to get him to come out to a comedy show with some of my friends (which was shocking, normally he'd just say no and stay in) and it was just SO painful to watch him socialize - my friends would ask him questions about where he goes to school, when he got his iPhone, and he would just mumble, even if it was about iPhones and his programming and stuff that interests him!
I feel that as the big sister I should try to help, it hurts me so much seeing the best years of his life go by like this, he's missing out on so much, and it scares me that his personality is as developed as a 12 year old - he doesn't know how to socialize with people. Soon he will be out of college, and I can't imagine him ever being able to work with anyone, the way he is.
My mom says he has a bit of the Asperger's symptoms.
What can I do to help?? I go home once a month or so and try to be social with him, try to talk to him as much as possible, but really, all I ever hear from him, on the phone or in real life, is a mumbly "i'm ok. nothing." and then silence, even if I ask questions.
Anything I can do to make him do simple things, like take his acne medication? Come out with my friends sometimes? I don't even know how to get him to make friends in real life, it seems impossible for someone like him. Any suggestions about this whole thing? I don't want him to be alone his whole life. Don't want him to live with his mom his whole life.
I am in almost exactly the same situation. I don't know how to help either. It hurts to see someone you love, someone with so much potential and so much intelligence, pursue a future that just doesn't have a future.
I can say that I have seen a dramatic change in my brother since he began taking a low dose of anti-anxiety meds. I'm not sure how you can bring this up. Although it wasn't our intention for him to enter therapy for depression/anxiety, we got my brother to see a shrink after the death of a close family friend. For better or worse, the drugs he got after a few months seeing the doctor have drastically improved his quality of life, his outlook, and his willingness to socialize.
Get your mom in on it. And stick around. He loves you and needs you.
posted by samthemander at 8:07 PM on December 4, 2008
I can say that I have seen a dramatic change in my brother since he began taking a low dose of anti-anxiety meds. I'm not sure how you can bring this up. Although it wasn't our intention for him to enter therapy for depression/anxiety, we got my brother to see a shrink after the death of a close family friend. For better or worse, the drugs he got after a few months seeing the doctor have drastically improved his quality of life, his outlook, and his willingness to socialize.
Get your mom in on it. And stick around. He loves you and needs you.
posted by samthemander at 8:07 PM on December 4, 2008
Okay so this is my ex-boyfriend, except to a more extreme degree. And yes, he was depressed, along with some social anxiety mixed in for good measure, and some ADD that made it hard for him to do things like complete schoolwork or follow-through on chores.
So what to do? I don't entirely know. He felt a lot better when he was with me, but that led to a sense of dependence which only made our break-up more difficult.
He needs some kind of treatment for his depression. I think that trying to force him to socialize at this point won't do much good - too scary. But he needs to do something - medication, exercise, therapy, getting out in the sunshine and fresh air more.
Your mom sounds like she is frustrated and unsure what to do. He is too old for her to make him do things, and yet, in some sense, that is what he needs. Because he lives at home, she still has some influence over him.
I would recommend that you and your mom sit down with him and say, "we are concerned about you because we have noticed __ and __. We want to help you to do something about it. We have the following ideas (list all possible ideas). Which of these do you think you could try? Okay, now what can we do to help you?" Be firm, even if he gets upset.
This is not you forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do - he gets to choose, but he has to do something. My guess is that he feels discouraged that anything will ever make a difference or that he will be able to follow through, so encourage him as much as you can.
posted by mai at 8:07 PM on December 4, 2008 [1 favorite]
So what to do? I don't entirely know. He felt a lot better when he was with me, but that led to a sense of dependence which only made our break-up more difficult.
He needs some kind of treatment for his depression. I think that trying to force him to socialize at this point won't do much good - too scary. But he needs to do something - medication, exercise, therapy, getting out in the sunshine and fresh air more.
Your mom sounds like she is frustrated and unsure what to do. He is too old for her to make him do things, and yet, in some sense, that is what he needs. Because he lives at home, she still has some influence over him.
I would recommend that you and your mom sit down with him and say, "we are concerned about you because we have noticed __ and __. We want to help you to do something about it. We have the following ideas (list all possible ideas). Which of these do you think you could try? Okay, now what can we do to help you?" Be firm, even if he gets upset.
This is not you forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do - he gets to choose, but he has to do something. My guess is that he feels discouraged that anything will ever make a difference or that he will be able to follow through, so encourage him as much as you can.
posted by mai at 8:07 PM on December 4, 2008 [1 favorite]
Addressing his social anxiety and probable depression with a psycho-pharmacologist (psychiatrist who specializes in Psych meds) is likely the precursor necessary to address all of the other issues. He will probably be more empowered to look at and deal with those once his chemical imbalances are treated. Minus that, any changes will be just window-dressing and probably won't stick. He doesn't WANT to be lonely and unattractive in the ways that he is...you clearly have picked up on that...
It may take very subtle moves on your part, including asking if he'd mind you accompanying him to Psych visits, so you can "understand how the doc is going to treat his issues". Your mom's insight about Asperger's is also something to look into. The fact that he has clear skills and abilities is encouraging and something to build on as his chemistry comes into balance and he is better able to purvey those into something he brings to life socially.
A good psychiatrist or even quality GP can likely see if your brother does have Asperger's Spectrum difficulties and take that into consideration as he is treated. It's lovely that you love and care for him, as does your mother, clearly, although I'm guessing he'll be more open to your suggestions than hers; simply because he senses you are where he'd like to be...and that you might be able to help get him closer to where you are socially, etc. What a kind-hearted family you seem to be. Blessings on you and your mother and brother as you work this out.
posted by mumstheword at 9:03 PM on December 4, 2008
It may take very subtle moves on your part, including asking if he'd mind you accompanying him to Psych visits, so you can "understand how the doc is going to treat his issues". Your mom's insight about Asperger's is also something to look into. The fact that he has clear skills and abilities is encouraging and something to build on as his chemistry comes into balance and he is better able to purvey those into something he brings to life socially.
A good psychiatrist or even quality GP can likely see if your brother does have Asperger's Spectrum difficulties and take that into consideration as he is treated. It's lovely that you love and care for him, as does your mother, clearly, although I'm guessing he'll be more open to your suggestions than hers; simply because he senses you are where he'd like to be...and that you might be able to help get him closer to where you are socially, etc. What a kind-hearted family you seem to be. Blessings on you and your mother and brother as you work this out.
posted by mumstheword at 9:03 PM on December 4, 2008
He needs to want to do the helping self development stuff, more than you need to do anything for him. I would also point out that all the encouragement you've been giving him over the weeks? months? years? may give him enough happiness to continue unchallenged, without having to develop his non-functioning skills.
Or maybe whilst your intentions are so incredibly heart-warmingly positive and life affirming, he might need to do it himself. Going out with your friends is a sure fire way to stamp any progress he might make in that environment with a label of "gifted from my big sis". Which is great, but not conducive to him learning how to replicate it nor taking on board and identifying with it. I could continue to be more "tough-love" and maybe include too many of my own experiences (19, male, identity problems). It could be worth considering.
He's 19, he'll want to sleep with hot girls, for better or worse. If you need any motivation out of him, there's a giant well of fire there. Though I spose we all know that.
posted by Submiqent at 9:42 PM on December 4, 2008 [1 favorite]
Or maybe whilst your intentions are so incredibly heart-warmingly positive and life affirming, he might need to do it himself. Going out with your friends is a sure fire way to stamp any progress he might make in that environment with a label of "gifted from my big sis". Which is great, but not conducive to him learning how to replicate it nor taking on board and identifying with it. I could continue to be more "tough-love" and maybe include too many of my own experiences (19, male, identity problems). It could be worth considering.
He's 19, he'll want to sleep with hot girls, for better or worse. If you need any motivation out of him, there's a giant well of fire there. Though I spose we all know that.
posted by Submiqent at 9:42 PM on December 4, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best of luck!
Not a doctor/psychologist/ etc. A psychiatrist has a doctorate in both psychology and medicine, while a psychologist has a degree in psychology. (I think. Something like that) The label 'therapist' could be anything from a school counselor, doctor, to a psychologist/psychiatrist, or a life coach. Not all therapists are created equal! Some are specialists in different fields and areas, and even then some are better than others. Some are great, some are terrible, so if you do pursue that route, be sure to find one you like.
General advice, may or may not be applicable- School can be really overwhelming. I know for me, it was easy to skip/not study and then do poorly on tests and get discouraged. Which led to dropping classes, and just a whole mess. I don't think I EVER completed one of those projects that you do two pages on every day and then turn in the whole thing at the very end. And, of course, college is not for everyone.
Girls can be very intimidating and even downright scary when you're not used to dealing with them. If you do want to try to mix him with your friends, you're going to want to make it as low pressure on him as possible. Board/card games that are fast paced and good for smart people (something like apples to apples) are probably better than slow paced ones.
Also, again emphasizing things that make him comfortable. would he talk more if you didn't use the phone? Would sending him instant messages or emails be better? Do loud/crowded places bother him?
A lot of times, these sorts of problems can feel all entangled and its impossible to do anything because you need to do everything all at once and make it ALL better. Of course, in reality, its one step at a time. He probably wouldn't be terribly receptive to hearing things like that, but... baby steps. Exercise is a great first step. Again, low key and even sneaky (lets go walk to something very close and interesting) might work better than lets go jog! yay exercise! exercise makes everything better! Or, some sport that appeals to the less typical people- fencing, surfing, paintball, skateboarding, something.
And... if he does have something like Aspergers... (and just from your post, I see several red flags, a few of which are particularly telling) there may not be much you can do. He may always be very, very different from what most people would call normal. Not bad or broken, just very different.
Again, not a anything professional. It may be good for you and or your mom to see someone who does work with Aspergers people, and see what they recommend on dealing with your brother.
Some good news though! He's probably not full on autistic. He can do some things, including have income for himself. And he has a loving family who seems like they will do what they can to help.
posted by Jacen at 9:43 PM on December 4, 2008 [1 favorite]
Not a doctor/psychologist/ etc. A psychiatrist has a doctorate in both psychology and medicine, while a psychologist has a degree in psychology. (I think. Something like that) The label 'therapist' could be anything from a school counselor, doctor, to a psychologist/psychiatrist, or a life coach. Not all therapists are created equal! Some are specialists in different fields and areas, and even then some are better than others. Some are great, some are terrible, so if you do pursue that route, be sure to find one you like.
General advice, may or may not be applicable- School can be really overwhelming. I know for me, it was easy to skip/not study and then do poorly on tests and get discouraged. Which led to dropping classes, and just a whole mess. I don't think I EVER completed one of those projects that you do two pages on every day and then turn in the whole thing at the very end. And, of course, college is not for everyone.
Girls can be very intimidating and even downright scary when you're not used to dealing with them. If you do want to try to mix him with your friends, you're going to want to make it as low pressure on him as possible. Board/card games that are fast paced and good for smart people (something like apples to apples) are probably better than slow paced ones.
Also, again emphasizing things that make him comfortable. would he talk more if you didn't use the phone? Would sending him instant messages or emails be better? Do loud/crowded places bother him?
A lot of times, these sorts of problems can feel all entangled and its impossible to do anything because you need to do everything all at once and make it ALL better. Of course, in reality, its one step at a time. He probably wouldn't be terribly receptive to hearing things like that, but... baby steps. Exercise is a great first step. Again, low key and even sneaky (lets go walk to something very close and interesting) might work better than lets go jog! yay exercise! exercise makes everything better! Or, some sport that appeals to the less typical people- fencing, surfing, paintball, skateboarding, something.
And... if he does have something like Aspergers... (and just from your post, I see several red flags, a few of which are particularly telling) there may not be much you can do. He may always be very, very different from what most people would call normal. Not bad or broken, just very different.
Again, not a anything professional. It may be good for you and or your mom to see someone who does work with Aspergers people, and see what they recommend on dealing with your brother.
Some good news though! He's probably not full on autistic. He can do some things, including have income for himself. And he has a loving family who seems like they will do what they can to help.
posted by Jacen at 9:43 PM on December 4, 2008 [1 favorite]
This may sound nuts, but go on a walk with him on a regular basis, even if it's only for five minutes at a time.
I was in a situation where I was extremely withdrawn for a very, very long period of time. Being isolated like that makes so many "normal" thing irrelevant; it's not just that you don't care, you simply cannot see the situation like an outsider does. Like everyone else is suggesting, there are multiple solutions that you should definitely be looking at. But very light exercise, combined with being outside of a habitual living space, can be strangely powerful.
I had a friend who came and took me on a walk every day. It seemed so stupid at first; I hated the pointlessness of it. But after several months (and I really do mean several months), I slowly began to feel different in the rest of my life. I woke up a little bit. And that enabled more changes to happen.
Good luck.
posted by not_the_water at 11:45 PM on December 4, 2008 [5 favorites]
I was in a situation where I was extremely withdrawn for a very, very long period of time. Being isolated like that makes so many "normal" thing irrelevant; it's not just that you don't care, you simply cannot see the situation like an outsider does. Like everyone else is suggesting, there are multiple solutions that you should definitely be looking at. But very light exercise, combined with being outside of a habitual living space, can be strangely powerful.
I had a friend who came and took me on a walk every day. It seemed so stupid at first; I hated the pointlessness of it. But after several months (and I really do mean several months), I slowly began to feel different in the rest of my life. I woke up a little bit. And that enabled more changes to happen.
Good luck.
posted by not_the_water at 11:45 PM on December 4, 2008 [5 favorites]
Your brother has more going on than being shy and depressed. Shy and depressed people don't cry when they don't know an answer in class and they don't cry when climbing a hill and they don't hold their mothers hand and pet it, there are lots of people who did not have a male around as they grew up who are doing just fine. Fact is, a strong, traditional and perhaps inept male figure might have made it all the worse, by demanding that your brother do things that he just cannot do, making him feel like shit for not being on the football team or whatever.
I think that your mother is onto something with her speculation that your brother might have some sort of Aspbergers thing going on; tech smart, machine smart, socially inept. I am damn sure not a doctor nor diagnostician of any sort. Regardless that, from what you describe, she might be headed in the right direction. It'd be interesting to see his doctors notes. But: I Am Not A Doctor, I Am Not His Doctor. Etc And Etc. I'm just another kid on the bus, just another guy on the intertubes. And I don't want to be a doctor anyways, especially a shrink -- ever talk to a shrink? They're nuts. Wacked out. Take a look at their eyes. Jesus. They're worse than lawyers, doctors are, if that's possible -- lawyers are taught to act like they're god; doctors are taught that they are god.
Anyways. I do know from up-close and personal experience how difficult it is to have siblings struggling with physiologically based issues that are bigger than they are and bigger than I am also. It's a bitch to watch someone you love live what looks to you to be a small and limited life, and it's a bitch to accept that it's as good as it's going to get, if it comes to that. And man oh man is it ever a bitch to force someone to get help when they are scared -- terrified, actually -- of any sort of change, especially change that's being forced upon them. That is, if there is help available for your brother; not being a doc nor able to dx I surely don't know and probably you don't either, given what you've written here. Not yet, anyways -- you may get to know more about it than you'd expected, should you step into his struggles with him.
And if his life is to be one of programming and online friendships and a few websites, well, there are worse life stories. He has found people, he's found connection, and while living life through a screen hooked to a wire isn't maybe the best life to be had, it is better than no connections at all. I know for a fact that an online life isn't all that bad, I've lived a lot of my life through a wire since getting online ten years ago, and overall I think I'm richer for it. There's a niche community online for anyone who can read and type; for all you know, your brother might be the president of the second life people, if they have a president, maybe he's hailed as Chief Honcho Online Stallion Man Amongst Men in his life through a wire -- I'm pretty sure that's how I'm seen here on MetaFilter, all you women swooning and faint, the men gnashing their teeth and stuff.
What can you do to help your brother? Accept him as he is, and love him as he is. Start there. And it appears that you have done so, from what you've written. Don't think he doesn't know you love him; love crosses all lines, reaches across all spans of missed communications or miscommunications, touches down into or at the very least glances off of hearts locked far inside of fears and illnesses, it's bigger than fears or illnesses.
And your brother, hey, he's not an illness, he's got one maybe; my buddy Tina the rehabilitation therapist (who IS a diagnostician, currently working nights doing intake at a psych hospital in Tuscon) insists that I not call myself a manic depressive but rather a person who has this dang manic depressive illness, insists that I not call my sister Janice a schizophrenic, that I say instead that Janice has schizophrenia. Wordplay? Semantics? Maybe, but I think she's onto something.
I don't know what your next step is and I know you don't either but he knows you're reaching for him and that's huge, or so it seems to me; it was huge in my reaching toward my sister -- she trusted me; she knew I was in it with her, or was suffering it with her, as I could. Your brother knows that your suffering it with him, as you can. Hiking and social stuff with your friends, that's all gravy, that's where you might end up. But you're looking for the road there, not the destination. Keep reaching toward him, be open, on the lookout for clues as to the next step or steps might be, pray if you believe in it, for strength and guidance and comfort for you and for him, love him as he'll let you, as he can -- that's the road.
I wish you luck, both of you, and peace in your hearts.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:46 PM on December 4, 2008 [3 favorites]
I think that your mother is onto something with her speculation that your brother might have some sort of Aspbergers thing going on; tech smart, machine smart, socially inept. I am damn sure not a doctor nor diagnostician of any sort. Regardless that, from what you describe, she might be headed in the right direction. It'd be interesting to see his doctors notes. But: I Am Not A Doctor, I Am Not His Doctor. Etc And Etc. I'm just another kid on the bus, just another guy on the intertubes. And I don't want to be a doctor anyways, especially a shrink -- ever talk to a shrink? They're nuts. Wacked out. Take a look at their eyes. Jesus. They're worse than lawyers, doctors are, if that's possible -- lawyers are taught to act like they're god; doctors are taught that they are god.
Anyways. I do know from up-close and personal experience how difficult it is to have siblings struggling with physiologically based issues that are bigger than they are and bigger than I am also. It's a bitch to watch someone you love live what looks to you to be a small and limited life, and it's a bitch to accept that it's as good as it's going to get, if it comes to that. And man oh man is it ever a bitch to force someone to get help when they are scared -- terrified, actually -- of any sort of change, especially change that's being forced upon them. That is, if there is help available for your brother; not being a doc nor able to dx I surely don't know and probably you don't either, given what you've written here. Not yet, anyways -- you may get to know more about it than you'd expected, should you step into his struggles with him.
And if his life is to be one of programming and online friendships and a few websites, well, there are worse life stories. He has found people, he's found connection, and while living life through a screen hooked to a wire isn't maybe the best life to be had, it is better than no connections at all. I know for a fact that an online life isn't all that bad, I've lived a lot of my life through a wire since getting online ten years ago, and overall I think I'm richer for it. There's a niche community online for anyone who can read and type; for all you know, your brother might be the president of the second life people, if they have a president, maybe he's hailed as Chief Honcho Online Stallion Man Amongst Men in his life through a wire -- I'm pretty sure that's how I'm seen here on MetaFilter, all you women swooning and faint, the men gnashing their teeth and stuff.
What can you do to help your brother? Accept him as he is, and love him as he is. Start there. And it appears that you have done so, from what you've written. Don't think he doesn't know you love him; love crosses all lines, reaches across all spans of missed communications or miscommunications, touches down into or at the very least glances off of hearts locked far inside of fears and illnesses, it's bigger than fears or illnesses.
And your brother, hey, he's not an illness, he's got one maybe; my buddy Tina the rehabilitation therapist (who IS a diagnostician, currently working nights doing intake at a psych hospital in Tuscon) insists that I not call myself a manic depressive but rather a person who has this dang manic depressive illness, insists that I not call my sister Janice a schizophrenic, that I say instead that Janice has schizophrenia. Wordplay? Semantics? Maybe, but I think she's onto something.
I don't know what your next step is and I know you don't either but he knows you're reaching for him and that's huge, or so it seems to me; it was huge in my reaching toward my sister -- she trusted me; she knew I was in it with her, or was suffering it with her, as I could. Your brother knows that your suffering it with him, as you can. Hiking and social stuff with your friends, that's all gravy, that's where you might end up. But you're looking for the road there, not the destination. Keep reaching toward him, be open, on the lookout for clues as to the next step or steps might be, pray if you believe in it, for strength and guidance and comfort for you and for him, love him as he'll let you, as he can -- that's the road.
I wish you luck, both of you, and peace in your hearts.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:46 PM on December 4, 2008 [3 favorites]
Props for wanting to help.
I have no good advice but only a warning. Although some would advise dating as the ultimate lure for emotionally immature, shy, socially inept males, it can be very dangerous if done before they have the social radar and defenses that most of us take for granted.
My brother was very similar to yours. He did have a few friends but not many and was very fragile emotionally. He was crazy smart but didn't even want to try if it couldn't be perfect. When he was in his early twenties he finally started going out to local bars to listen to music with his friends, who were also quite awkward.
To make a long story short, a borderline sociopath woman picked him up and started a relationship with him. They ended up being married later after a faked pregnancy and miscarriage. She treated him as a slave and source of income, and as long as she played the substitute mother once in a while it worked. While most women see a "mama's boy" and run in the other direction, others see a sucker who can be controlled easily and move in for the kill.
I wish the best for your brother, and I'm sure a combination of professional help and changes as advised above will help him. Just be wary of his initial social explorations when he starts coming out of his shell.
posted by benzenedream at 12:59 AM on December 5, 2008 [3 favorites]
I have no good advice but only a warning. Although some would advise dating as the ultimate lure for emotionally immature, shy, socially inept males, it can be very dangerous if done before they have the social radar and defenses that most of us take for granted.
My brother was very similar to yours. He did have a few friends but not many and was very fragile emotionally. He was crazy smart but didn't even want to try if it couldn't be perfect. When he was in his early twenties he finally started going out to local bars to listen to music with his friends, who were also quite awkward.
To make a long story short, a borderline sociopath woman picked him up and started a relationship with him. They ended up being married later after a faked pregnancy and miscarriage. She treated him as a slave and source of income, and as long as she played the substitute mother once in a while it worked. While most women see a "mama's boy" and run in the other direction, others see a sucker who can be controlled easily and move in for the kill.
I wish the best for your brother, and I'm sure a combination of professional help and changes as advised above will help him. Just be wary of his initial social explorations when he starts coming out of his shell.
posted by benzenedream at 12:59 AM on December 5, 2008 [3 favorites]
Board/card games that are fast paced and good for smart people (something like apples to apples) are probably better than slow paced ones.
For some reason I don't think that one's a good idea for him. I think it's too obviously a drag-'em-out-of-his-shell kind of thing, that could be embarassing. The fact that judging is involved could also give him an excuse to feel rejected if he doesn't do well.
Pick something he'll be somewhat attuned to that your other friends would also like. There's an entire world of "German-style" board games out there that might fit the bill, and aren't hard to find in hobby shops.
posted by JHarris at 2:12 AM on December 5, 2008
For some reason I don't think that one's a good idea for him. I think it's too obviously a drag-'em-out-of-his-shell kind of thing, that could be embarassing. The fact that judging is involved could also give him an excuse to feel rejected if he doesn't do well.
Pick something he'll be somewhat attuned to that your other friends would also like. There's an entire world of "German-style" board games out there that might fit the bill, and aren't hard to find in hobby shops.
posted by JHarris at 2:12 AM on December 5, 2008
I am a doctor, and I know better than to make diagnoses in online fora.
The key point here is that his behaviour is, obviously, not normal. He may have underlying Autistic spectrum disorder / Asperger's. It's possible but unlikely. The speculation doesn't, however, help.
I do think, however, that there is no real doubt that he is suffering from clinical depression / anxiety, probably also social phobia and that he needs treatment for this. Whether that takes the form of therapy or antidepressant medication is immaterial - what is necessary is that he is seen and assessed by a psychiatrist.
It is very, very common for patients with psychiatric illness to lose faith with a particular psychiatrist because being confronted with issues you don't want to deal with can be traumatic and upsetting. The important thing is to take his refusal to see his original psychiatrist seriously but also emphasise that not all psychiatrists are the same.
You should emphasise to him that his current life situation is not something that HE is happy with (always phrase things in reference to him and not yourself or your mother) and that it is clear from the conversations you've had with him that he himself is clear that there is nothing that either he or his family can do or have been able to do to change things.
A good psychiatrist will be able to explore the issues, possibly offer cognitive behavioural therapy or other modalities of treatment. Irrespective of underlying cause antidepressant medication in the vast majority of cases will effect some improvement in mood - but it has to be taken for at least 6 weeks to see an effect and up to 6 months for lasting benefits.
I hope that you are able to persuade him to seek professional help once more. It is important to have involved and caring health professionals involved in cases like this. The natural history of simple depression is that it tends to lift of its own accord after 6 months. If it has lasted longer than this then he is certainly going to need further input.
As suggested by someone else accompanying him to his first psychiatric appointments may go some way to allaying his anxiety about seeing a psychiatrist.
Good luck.
posted by inbetweener at 2:13 AM on December 5, 2008 [6 favorites]
The key point here is that his behaviour is, obviously, not normal. He may have underlying Autistic spectrum disorder / Asperger's. It's possible but unlikely. The speculation doesn't, however, help.
I do think, however, that there is no real doubt that he is suffering from clinical depression / anxiety, probably also social phobia and that he needs treatment for this. Whether that takes the form of therapy or antidepressant medication is immaterial - what is necessary is that he is seen and assessed by a psychiatrist.
It is very, very common for patients with psychiatric illness to lose faith with a particular psychiatrist because being confronted with issues you don't want to deal with can be traumatic and upsetting. The important thing is to take his refusal to see his original psychiatrist seriously but also emphasise that not all psychiatrists are the same.
You should emphasise to him that his current life situation is not something that HE is happy with (always phrase things in reference to him and not yourself or your mother) and that it is clear from the conversations you've had with him that he himself is clear that there is nothing that either he or his family can do or have been able to do to change things.
A good psychiatrist will be able to explore the issues, possibly offer cognitive behavioural therapy or other modalities of treatment. Irrespective of underlying cause antidepressant medication in the vast majority of cases will effect some improvement in mood - but it has to be taken for at least 6 weeks to see an effect and up to 6 months for lasting benefits.
I hope that you are able to persuade him to seek professional help once more. It is important to have involved and caring health professionals involved in cases like this. The natural history of simple depression is that it tends to lift of its own accord after 6 months. If it has lasted longer than this then he is certainly going to need further input.
As suggested by someone else accompanying him to his first psychiatric appointments may go some way to allaying his anxiety about seeing a psychiatrist.
Good luck.
posted by inbetweener at 2:13 AM on December 5, 2008 [6 favorites]
Hmm..I was your brother until recently. For several years in the mid-90s I literally had no irl friends, just people I knew on IRC, and most of those 'friendships' weren't exactly healthy interactions to say the least. It surprises me to this day that I'm not more trollish.
I had serious social anxiety for a long time after that, although I did meet a couple of people thanks to shared interest in technology. I'd hang out with them, but when it came to talking to anyone else, it was a nightmare.
I can't say exactly what it was, but I finally stopped being that way so terribly about 13 years after it started in earnest. I think it started when my SO (I met her on IRC, if that tells you anything) made me start going to the grocery store and run other errands on a regular basis combined with reading some AskMe advice about how talking to people isn't really such a terrible thing.
I finally started actually talking to people and now while I still have some anxiety about talking to people in new situations, it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.
I'm different though, as moderate amounts of alcohol were always able to get me to open up to some degree as I stopped thinking about my social issues, and work wasn't ever really a problem for me (other than never making eye contact and mumbling, which people found weird, of course). I guess that worked because it was a fairly known interaction, rather than new territory.
Oh, and the homework thing? That's just plain not being interested in what he's doing. He needs a bigger challenge to get him to start doing things. I've been that way since I started school. It seems to most people like laziness or something, but it's not. I call myself lazy to avoid talking about the real issue, which is that there's nothing in my life challenging enough to provide real motivation on a long term basis.
He isn't doing his chores because he's doing something he thinks of as more interesting Sort of like I'm not taking out the trash because I'm writing this post, and still won't when I'm done because I'll be reading up on stuff about buying a house or whatever else catches my fancy..far more useful intellectually than doing chores!
And hiking? It really is terrible if you're a couch potato. It's a lot harder than you think for a sedentary person to do it. I know from experience. Of course, I actually wanted to do it the times that I have, so I'm perfectly willing to continue climbing the 200 foot hill after I stop and rest, but someone who isn't? He's just employing the only avoidance mechanism he can make work in that situation. Same as he walks away when he hears something he doesn't like or makes him feel stupid.
Ok, maybe I'm projecting a bit, but I feel like I know what's going through his head to a large degree.
posted by wierdo at 2:57 AM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
I had serious social anxiety for a long time after that, although I did meet a couple of people thanks to shared interest in technology. I'd hang out with them, but when it came to talking to anyone else, it was a nightmare.
I can't say exactly what it was, but I finally stopped being that way so terribly about 13 years after it started in earnest. I think it started when my SO (I met her on IRC, if that tells you anything) made me start going to the grocery store and run other errands on a regular basis combined with reading some AskMe advice about how talking to people isn't really such a terrible thing.
I finally started actually talking to people and now while I still have some anxiety about talking to people in new situations, it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.
I'm different though, as moderate amounts of alcohol were always able to get me to open up to some degree as I stopped thinking about my social issues, and work wasn't ever really a problem for me (other than never making eye contact and mumbling, which people found weird, of course). I guess that worked because it was a fairly known interaction, rather than new territory.
Oh, and the homework thing? That's just plain not being interested in what he's doing. He needs a bigger challenge to get him to start doing things. I've been that way since I started school. It seems to most people like laziness or something, but it's not. I call myself lazy to avoid talking about the real issue, which is that there's nothing in my life challenging enough to provide real motivation on a long term basis.
He isn't doing his chores because he's doing something he thinks of as more interesting Sort of like I'm not taking out the trash because I'm writing this post, and still won't when I'm done because I'll be reading up on stuff about buying a house or whatever else catches my fancy..far more useful intellectually than doing chores!
And hiking? It really is terrible if you're a couch potato. It's a lot harder than you think for a sedentary person to do it. I know from experience. Of course, I actually wanted to do it the times that I have, so I'm perfectly willing to continue climbing the 200 foot hill after I stop and rest, but someone who isn't? He's just employing the only avoidance mechanism he can make work in that situation. Same as he walks away when he hears something he doesn't like or makes him feel stupid.
Ok, maybe I'm projecting a bit, but I feel like I know what's going through his head to a large degree.
posted by wierdo at 2:57 AM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
Plenty of exercise and fresh air.
posted by the_ancient_mariner at 3:34 AM on December 5, 2008
posted by the_ancient_mariner at 3:34 AM on December 5, 2008
I had a cousin who was the exact same. Think he's 21 now but is still pretty awkward to talk to. However, he now has a group of friends who share many of his interests.
Does he not have to attend some kind of class/seminar for his course? I'm sure that there'd be similar people doing the same course?
posted by jhighmore at 4:20 AM on December 5, 2008
Does he not have to attend some kind of class/seminar for his course? I'm sure that there'd be similar people doing the same course?
posted by jhighmore at 4:20 AM on December 5, 2008
One thing you can do is give him sincere, transparent compliments once or twice per day. I have no idea if this will really help, but it probably won't hurt. Don't be put off if he seems to ignore you or even reject them.
By transparent, I mean avoiding statements like "He's not a bad looking kid, if he just bothered to take his acne medication and did 10 pushups a day." Firstly, that's not a compliment. Secondly, it's obviously motivated by what _you_ want, which is to get him to take medication and do push-ups. Just tell him he has striking blue eyes, or silky hair, or how impressed you are that he's able to pay for his own college through his work.
He must have some ability -- how is he finding and interacting with his bosses or clients? That's a good thing!
I don't mean to imply that this isn't a serious matter, just that if the only people in his life are constantly harping on his weak points, that's definitely not going to help.
posted by amtho at 6:48 AM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
By transparent, I mean avoiding statements like "He's not a bad looking kid, if he just bothered to take his acne medication and did 10 pushups a day." Firstly, that's not a compliment. Secondly, it's obviously motivated by what _you_ want, which is to get him to take medication and do push-ups. Just tell him he has striking blue eyes, or silky hair, or how impressed you are that he's able to pay for his own college through his work.
He must have some ability -- how is he finding and interacting with his bosses or clients? That's a good thing!
I don't mean to imply that this isn't a serious matter, just that if the only people in his life are constantly harping on his weak points, that's definitely not going to help.
posted by amtho at 6:48 AM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
Your brother needs to be separated from your mother for a while.
posted by Electrius at 7:03 AM on December 5, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by Electrius at 7:03 AM on December 5, 2008 [2 favorites]
I hate to say it, but out of everything you said, this jumped out at me:
He is difficult to deal with - he still lies about handing in HW (he's only harming himself now!! he's the one helping pay for his college using money he earns from his websites.. it just makes no sense to me to fail when it's something you can easily do!)
Why does he, a grown up, need to answer to anyone as to whether his homework is handed it? You and your mother are not his teachers, and you really have no right to ask, especially as he's funding his education himself.
It sounds like you and your mother are seriously babying him. Nagging him about drinking soda? Dragging him on hiking trips he clearly doesn't want to go on? Clearly, there are problems in his life--the armchair psychologist in me suspects depression--but he's not going to get a handle on that unless he feels like he has control over his life, and he's not going to feel like he has control unless you stop pestering him constantly.
And if you think he's such a sweet, ok guy, stop trying to change him. Try talking with him about stuff he's into instead of bugging him about his acne or whether he's doing push-ups. Really, would you want to have drawn out conversations with people so obviously critical of you?
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:18 AM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
He is difficult to deal with - he still lies about handing in HW (he's only harming himself now!! he's the one helping pay for his college using money he earns from his websites.. it just makes no sense to me to fail when it's something you can easily do!)
Why does he, a grown up, need to answer to anyone as to whether his homework is handed it? You and your mother are not his teachers, and you really have no right to ask, especially as he's funding his education himself.
It sounds like you and your mother are seriously babying him. Nagging him about drinking soda? Dragging him on hiking trips he clearly doesn't want to go on? Clearly, there are problems in his life--the armchair psychologist in me suspects depression--but he's not going to get a handle on that unless he feels like he has control over his life, and he's not going to feel like he has control unless you stop pestering him constantly.
And if you think he's such a sweet, ok guy, stop trying to change him. Try talking with him about stuff he's into instead of bugging him about his acne or whether he's doing push-ups. Really, would you want to have drawn out conversations with people so obviously critical of you?
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:18 AM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
I think you need to be there for him as his sister, but you also need to get tough with him. It's fine to make some extra bucks doing web sites when he's living at home, but does he have a plan for the rest of his life?
It's time to exercise tough love. Make him go out and get his own place. Make him find his way in the real world.
posted by reenum at 7:46 AM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
It's time to exercise tough love. Make him go out and get his own place. Make him find his way in the real world.
posted by reenum at 7:46 AM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
This is heartbreaking because your description reminds me a lot of my cousin, who - and I don't mean to scare you here - shot and killed himself at age 29. Like your brother, he was extremely attached to his mother, and when she died, he just completely fell apart.
I do NOT suggest that your mother pull away from him. I do suggest that she become the champion for his independence, by positively reinforcing any steps that he does take and reassuring him that she will be there no matter what. I suggest that neither of you EVER criticize his appearance or his hobbies. Not doing chores or homework is just normal teenage boy stuff and isn't necessarily related to his depression (but your mom has the right to set standards if he lives there - my guess is that there are no/few consequences for his actions because he's treated like a delicate flower). You especially should not be treating him as your child. Telling him how he should be just reinforces the fact that he's not normal and can calcify his beliefs that there's something irrevocably wrong with him.
This is likely to be a long, slow process for someone who's never really been happy or confident, and doesn't know what that feels like, and furthermore can't imagine feeling that way. Try and imagine something that seems inconceivable, like you're going to wake up as a robot tomorrow. Being happy may seem as unlikely to him as becoming a robot is to you. He can see other people being happy, but it may not seem possible to him.
So, first step - accept and love him EXACTLY as he is - overweight, acne, shy, etc. See all the good in him and reinforce that. Become interested in the web stuff he does. Ask him about his plans for the future. Help him make plans for the future. Ask him what he would do if he could do anything he wanted. He needs stuff to look forward to, even if it's not something you would conceive of anyone enjoying. Let HIM do the choosing, instead of dragging him on hiking trips. Get into his world.
I'm not saying you're doing this, but my cousin's family repeatedly told him that he wasn't doing the right thing, why doesn't he do X or Y, and that he wouldn't amount to anything. No one listened to what he wanted, and while he is ultimately responsible for his suicide, I can't help but think they laid the groundwork.
posted by desjardins at 8:39 AM on December 5, 2008 [2 favorites]
I do NOT suggest that your mother pull away from him. I do suggest that she become the champion for his independence, by positively reinforcing any steps that he does take and reassuring him that she will be there no matter what. I suggest that neither of you EVER criticize his appearance or his hobbies. Not doing chores or homework is just normal teenage boy stuff and isn't necessarily related to his depression (but your mom has the right to set standards if he lives there - my guess is that there are no/few consequences for his actions because he's treated like a delicate flower). You especially should not be treating him as your child. Telling him how he should be just reinforces the fact that he's not normal and can calcify his beliefs that there's something irrevocably wrong with him.
This is likely to be a long, slow process for someone who's never really been happy or confident, and doesn't know what that feels like, and furthermore can't imagine feeling that way. Try and imagine something that seems inconceivable, like you're going to wake up as a robot tomorrow. Being happy may seem as unlikely to him as becoming a robot is to you. He can see other people being happy, but it may not seem possible to him.
So, first step - accept and love him EXACTLY as he is - overweight, acne, shy, etc. See all the good in him and reinforce that. Become interested in the web stuff he does. Ask him about his plans for the future. Help him make plans for the future. Ask him what he would do if he could do anything he wanted. He needs stuff to look forward to, even if it's not something you would conceive of anyone enjoying. Let HIM do the choosing, instead of dragging him on hiking trips. Get into his world.
I'm not saying you're doing this, but my cousin's family repeatedly told him that he wasn't doing the right thing, why doesn't he do X or Y, and that he wouldn't amount to anything. No one listened to what he wanted, and while he is ultimately responsible for his suicide, I can't help but think they laid the groundwork.
posted by desjardins at 8:39 AM on December 5, 2008 [2 favorites]
I feel for you because I've had to deal with similar issues that have rended hearts in my own family, but with a happier ending. When my younger brother emerged from the barbarian realms of middle school with his self-worth scathed beyond recognition, our family became a kind of incubator for him with all kinds of overprotective rituals, though I also believe their love was important in saving him, even as it had its downsides. He was homeschooled and his only friends were on computer BBSes. His social awkwardness was off the charts and I never thought he'd fit in anywhere.
A decade later he is blooming into an amiable software engineer who makes ten times as much money as I do, and has more friends, too. Sometimes, as impossible as it may seem during a protracted adolescence, people may have their own slow-burning chronological timeline that will wake them up much later than you want, but may just surprise you.
I should say that a good, well-qualified therapist and an escape I plotted for him from the parental suburbs to the big city were major factors too. (But be sure to avoid quacks, who can make things worse and kill your confidence in experts.)
Of course, all along, the really maddening part of the equation, which I hear in your question too, was the leading-a-horse-to-water frustration of trying to motivate an apathetic person to do what is best for him. "He has to do it himself"--a phrase I got very tired of hearing, and I am sure you are too--but the more you do things for him, the more he won't.
During all this, my dad became very wise in recognizing that the family's customary reactions of alarm and worry were just reinforcing the sense of doomed childishness hovering over the guy. Treating someone as an equal, with confidence in his abilities, instead of fear for his future, can go a long ways.
A good therapist can do wonders in restoring a helpless person's sense of control over his life. In this case, anyway, it helped to the point where I could escape the desperate role of "brother/emergency second parent" to the much more comfortable territory of just being the guy's bro.
posted by Kirklander at 9:13 AM on December 5, 2008
A decade later he is blooming into an amiable software engineer who makes ten times as much money as I do, and has more friends, too. Sometimes, as impossible as it may seem during a protracted adolescence, people may have their own slow-burning chronological timeline that will wake them up much later than you want, but may just surprise you.
I should say that a good, well-qualified therapist and an escape I plotted for him from the parental suburbs to the big city were major factors too. (But be sure to avoid quacks, who can make things worse and kill your confidence in experts.)
Of course, all along, the really maddening part of the equation, which I hear in your question too, was the leading-a-horse-to-water frustration of trying to motivate an apathetic person to do what is best for him. "He has to do it himself"--a phrase I got very tired of hearing, and I am sure you are too--but the more you do things for him, the more he won't.
During all this, my dad became very wise in recognizing that the family's customary reactions of alarm and worry were just reinforcing the sense of doomed childishness hovering over the guy. Treating someone as an equal, with confidence in his abilities, instead of fear for his future, can go a long ways.
A good therapist can do wonders in restoring a helpless person's sense of control over his life. In this case, anyway, it helped to the point where I could escape the desperate role of "brother/emergency second parent" to the much more comfortable territory of just being the guy's bro.
posted by Kirklander at 9:13 AM on December 5, 2008
P.S. Oh yeah, and just as in your situation, my brother dropped his first shrink and said he was never going back, because the guy was a dumb jock who couldn't relate. But in time he was persuaded to go to a new one he trusted, to everyone's relief.
posted by Kirklander at 9:23 AM on December 5, 2008
posted by Kirklander at 9:23 AM on December 5, 2008
Jharris- good point on the judging. I, personally have never felt my sisters game nights were intended as a get out of shell thing... but thats just me, and my situation.
I was mostly also picking a game that didn't involve a lot of talking; or, god forbid, the way my family plays things like monopoly or Risk, where you move, then.... four... hours... later... its your turn again!
posted by Jacen at 1:03 PM on December 5, 2008
I was mostly also picking a game that didn't involve a lot of talking; or, god forbid, the way my family plays things like monopoly or Risk, where you move, then.... four... hours... later... its your turn again!
posted by Jacen at 1:03 PM on December 5, 2008
You sound like a pretty great sister. Be careful not to be too overt, it does carry the implication that he isn't OK and that forces from the outside are pushing him to change. Most people resist what they see as external forces. And I imagine that it makes someone who is easily overwhelmed shut down even more. Think more along the lines of planting seeds, creating situations where he may find motivation to adapt in order to reach a goal of his own. Hanging out with a bunch of socially skilled young women might not do it if he feels that's a possibility completely beyond his grasp.
This book won't tell you how to fix your brother, but it gives several accounts of similar situations and the subject has peerless insight about bringing change into the lives of the stuck: Uncommon Therapy - The Psychiatric Techniques of Milton Erickson. It's realistic and inspiring.
Two suggestions. Going for a regular walk with him and talking about something besides how things could/should be different is a great idea. When he wants help with self improvement, wait for an occasion where you can give him advice that isn't in direct opposition to what he's doing at the moment.
posted by BigSky at 7:33 PM on December 7, 2008
This book won't tell you how to fix your brother, but it gives several accounts of similar situations and the subject has peerless insight about bringing change into the lives of the stuck: Uncommon Therapy - The Psychiatric Techniques of Milton Erickson. It's realistic and inspiring.
Two suggestions. Going for a regular walk with him and talking about something besides how things could/should be different is a great idea. When he wants help with self improvement, wait for an occasion where you can give him advice that isn't in direct opposition to what he's doing at the moment.
posted by BigSky at 7:33 PM on December 7, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by norabarnacl3 at 8:07 PM on December 4, 2008 [1 favorite]