Support and name for problem needed.
November 26, 2008 9:48 AM Subscribe
What to call a child who grows up thinking one man is her father when it turns out to be someone else entirely?
Asking on behalf of a friend:
Mother got pregnant many years ago by Man A. Mother lied to Man A, said child wasn't his. Child grows up thinking Man B is biological father. Mother tells Child that Man A is biological father after Man A's sister recognizes Child in very small town.
Child has met Man A, but is unsure of what steps to take next. (Child and Man A live about 14 hours drive apart. Man A also has wife and other children.) Child feels very upset with Mother for keeping secret for many years (during which time period, Child went to college and has had a baby of her own). There is no official paperwork between any of the adults in this situation (as far as Child knows).
Questions:
What is the name for a situation like this? Half-abandoned child? Sort-of adoptee?
Are there any sort of support groups or blogs or books or whatever for other people who have been in this sort of situation?
Anonymized for privacy.
Asking on behalf of a friend:
Mother got pregnant many years ago by Man A. Mother lied to Man A, said child wasn't his. Child grows up thinking Man B is biological father. Mother tells Child that Man A is biological father after Man A's sister recognizes Child in very small town.
Child has met Man A, but is unsure of what steps to take next. (Child and Man A live about 14 hours drive apart. Man A also has wife and other children.) Child feels very upset with Mother for keeping secret for many years (during which time period, Child went to college and has had a baby of her own). There is no official paperwork between any of the adults in this situation (as far as Child knows).
Questions:
What is the name for a situation like this? Half-abandoned child? Sort-of adoptee?
Are there any sort of support groups or blogs or books or whatever for other people who have been in this sort of situation?
Anonymized for privacy.
How is she half-abandoned or sort of adopted? Sounds to me like she was just flat out deceived by her mother. I don't think there's a name for the situation.
posted by amro at 9:58 AM on November 26, 2008
posted by amro at 9:58 AM on November 26, 2008
No need to put a name on it.
posted by electroboy at 10:21 AM on November 26, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by electroboy at 10:21 AM on November 26, 2008 [1 favorite]
The key here is the question "what is the child's relationship to Man B"? Your father is your father because of the personal relationship you have with him, not just because of the donation of sperm. Man A is the biological father. If he and the child want to have a more traditional father/daughter relationship than that's a bonus. But if the child has always regarded Man B as her father, and has kept up some sort of father/daughter relationship with him, then Man B does not stop being her father just because of some accident of biology.
The relationship with the mother is more complex. In the end, I would remind your friend that family is not so much about blood. It is much more about relationships. Your family can and should be made up both of people you are related to by blood and people you choose to have in your family. Don't let labels get in the way of relationships. Lots of people out there have two (or more) fathers -- adoptive, step-, biological, chosen -- now your friend is just one of those people.
posted by anastasiav at 10:23 AM on November 26, 2008 [5 favorites]
The relationship with the mother is more complex. In the end, I would remind your friend that family is not so much about blood. It is much more about relationships. Your family can and should be made up both of people you are related to by blood and people you choose to have in your family. Don't let labels get in the way of relationships. Lots of people out there have two (or more) fathers -- adoptive, step-, biological, chosen -- now your friend is just one of those people.
posted by anastasiav at 10:23 AM on November 26, 2008 [5 favorites]
....I'd call the child by his/her name, myself.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:31 AM on November 26, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:31 AM on November 26, 2008 [3 favorites]
As an adopted kid, my adoptive parents are Mom and Dad. My biological mother goes by her name to me. If I knew my bio father, I would address him by his name. Neither of them are "mom" or "dad" to me but my bio mother is special. It's really up to the kids comfort level and the people involved. The guy who raised the kid seems more like "dad" to me and isn't there a sort of common-law adoption happening here?
Also, it sounds like the mom made a pretty poor decision but maybe there were a number of extenuating circumstances which led to that. Give her a break, people.
posted by amanda at 10:39 AM on November 26, 2008 [2 favorites]
Also, it sounds like the mom made a pretty poor decision but maybe there were a number of extenuating circumstances which led to that. Give her a break, people.
posted by amanda at 10:39 AM on November 26, 2008 [2 favorites]
Oh, and, of course EmpressCallipygos is correct. The child has two dads and one mom. Each of these people can call the child their child.
posted by amanda at 10:48 AM on November 26, 2008
posted by amanda at 10:48 AM on November 26, 2008
If I may, it sounds like the OP ('s friend?) may be trying to name this situation because they're looking for resources/books for people who have experienced this kind of situation? Maybe?
That's how the question sounded to me, not that they were looking for a label to replace the kid's name.
posted by alpha_betty at 11:41 AM on November 26, 2008 [1 favorite]
That's how the question sounded to me, not that they were looking for a label to replace the kid's name.
posted by alpha_betty at 11:41 AM on November 26, 2008 [1 favorite]
The Child is a love child, if you want a nicer name for it.
OP did not say if Man B was actually a part of Child's life growing up, or was just another man in Mother's past that she never met. Or died. Or whatever. If Man B was a father-figure to the Child, then it seems like a somewhat not-all-that-uncommon situation (that is, woman has child by a man but leaves him before or shortly after birth, new man and woman agree to raise the child as theirs and say nothing). I would assume there are any number of forums for people who've just found out they're adopted where Child could introduce themselves in the appropriate way and not feel terribly out of place and get referred to the sort of material they are after.
posted by K.P. at 12:12 PM on November 26, 2008
OP did not say if Man B was actually a part of Child's life growing up, or was just another man in Mother's past that she never met. Or died. Or whatever. If Man B was a father-figure to the Child, then it seems like a somewhat not-all-that-uncommon situation (that is, woman has child by a man but leaves him before or shortly after birth, new man and woman agree to raise the child as theirs and say nothing). I would assume there are any number of forums for people who've just found out they're adopted where Child could introduce themselves in the appropriate way and not feel terribly out of place and get referred to the sort of material they are after.
posted by K.P. at 12:12 PM on November 26, 2008
My suggestion would be to find a local support group that helps people who have been adopted, and send the leader of the group an email/phone call asking if your friend would be appropriate for it, or if the group could refer her to another group that would be better suited to helping her. I have a hunch the adopted support group would be willing to help her, and that group would probably be useful in referring her to the right books/blogs/etc. However, I have no experience with this, so I could be wrong.
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:37 PM on November 26, 2008
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:37 PM on November 26, 2008
This is pretty common. Common enough that most folks just hit therapy for it or find a general group to get into if they've ended up with a psychological crisis over trying to integrate it.
A name for it? Hm. Despite having three siblings (2 adopted), several friends/paramours, and many former acquaintances who have this situation, we've never really called it anything specific. Now I'm curious what it should be called, too.
It seems as though there could be some overlap with whatever the kids who are conceived by sperm donation end up doing when it comes time to figure out what this means to their identity.
posted by batmonkey at 1:45 PM on November 26, 2008
A name for it? Hm. Despite having three siblings (2 adopted), several friends/paramours, and many former acquaintances who have this situation, we've never really called it anything specific. Now I'm curious what it should be called, too.
It seems as though there could be some overlap with whatever the kids who are conceived by sperm donation end up doing when it comes time to figure out what this means to their identity.
posted by batmonkey at 1:45 PM on November 26, 2008
"Liv Tyler Conudrum"? This very thing happened to her.
posted by orange swan at 3:04 PM on November 26, 2008
posted by orange swan at 3:04 PM on November 26, 2008
"Liv Tyler Conudrum"? This very thing happened to her.
Eddie Vedder too.
posted by headnsouth at 4:19 PM on November 26, 2008
Eddie Vedder too.
posted by headnsouth at 4:19 PM on November 26, 2008
"Conundrum". No, I didn't just make up a brand new word for the purpose.
posted by orange swan at 12:59 PM on November 27, 2008
posted by orange swan at 12:59 PM on November 27, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
I wish your friend luck in finding a support group to confront this discovery. I have no idea where they might start, but perhaps there might be overlap between this issue and children who find out that they were adopted? There must be a support group for that.
The child was not "abandoned"...that would imply that Man A knew the child was his and did not follow through with being a father. Also, did Man B actually play a father role? If so, then he is the father and Man A is simply the biological father. The roles are the same as they would be in the case of adoption. The only difference is that betrayal and dishonesty was involved, which is why the friend may be feeling hurt right now.
posted by Deathalicious at 9:58 AM on November 26, 2008 [2 favorites]