How do I support my girlfriend's body image?
November 5, 2008 12:56 PM Subscribe
How do I support my girlfriend's body image?
So, my girlfriend has an eating disorder, bad body image, etc. due to some bad experiences in her past. She's been in therapy for a while to work through those experiences, and has become a much more healthy person because of it. However, she's recently pulled back from working on the body-image/food related issues. How can I support and encourage her to deal with these issues? It seems like playing catch with a live grenade: Any misconstrued or poorly timed statement will blow up in my face, so I've just been keeping my yap shut. However, I firmly believe that if she works through them, she(and by extension, we) will be happier in the long run.
I'm hoping for something a bit more profound than,"Tell her she's pretty." I'm working that angle, but I'm wondering if there are other things I can be doing to help.
Apologies for the anonymous-ness...I don't know if she ever reads AskMe, but if she did, she'd know me by my username. :)
So, my girlfriend has an eating disorder, bad body image, etc. due to some bad experiences in her past. She's been in therapy for a while to work through those experiences, and has become a much more healthy person because of it. However, she's recently pulled back from working on the body-image/food related issues. How can I support and encourage her to deal with these issues? It seems like playing catch with a live grenade: Any misconstrued or poorly timed statement will blow up in my face, so I've just been keeping my yap shut. However, I firmly believe that if she works through them, she(and by extension, we) will be happier in the long run.
I'm hoping for something a bit more profound than,"Tell her she's pretty." I'm working that angle, but I'm wondering if there are other things I can be doing to help.
Apologies for the anonymous-ness...I don't know if she ever reads AskMe, but if she did, she'd know me by my username. :)
I feel for you - it can be maddening and depressing to in a position where every little thing you do or say is over analyzed by someone who needs constant affirmation.
I support a tough-love approach: communicate to her how concerned you are that she has veered off course from getting better. Tell her that it's really causing a lot of bumps in what should be a smooth relationship. Make sure she knows that you lover her, but don't be shy about setting conditions - one of which is that she continue with therapy.
Then pull back some yourself to show that you mean business.
You know, it's not just her - you're important too, and this person is making choices which affects your life and happiness as well as her own. She needs to get back on track, you need to support her, obviously, but don't be a door mat.
posted by wfrgms at 1:08 PM on November 5, 2008
I support a tough-love approach: communicate to her how concerned you are that she has veered off course from getting better. Tell her that it's really causing a lot of bumps in what should be a smooth relationship. Make sure she knows that you lover her, but don't be shy about setting conditions - one of which is that she continue with therapy.
Then pull back some yourself to show that you mean business.
You know, it's not just her - you're important too, and this person is making choices which affects your life and happiness as well as her own. She needs to get back on track, you need to support her, obviously, but don't be a door mat.
posted by wfrgms at 1:08 PM on November 5, 2008
Be careful with the "I think you're pretty" tack. Despite the fact you (presumably, I'll assume you're being sincere) find her attractive, expressing your opinion and approval of her in terms of physical beauty and/or attractiveness might in itself possibly be a problem. (As in her feeling, "Now I have to be pretty for him all the time.") In any case, be sure to manifest your affection for her in terms other than her physical body -- support her achievements, share her enthusiasms, sympathize with her frustrations with the world, etc. Good luck.
posted by aught at 2:02 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by aught at 2:02 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
Go for the "healthy" angle....tell her you like seeing her healthy (i'm guessing you do) because you want her to be around for a long time :)
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 2:05 PM on November 5, 2008
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 2:05 PM on November 5, 2008
Ultimately, she will have to tell you how to best support her. In the meantime, if you feel like you're walking on eggshells and it's unpleasant to talk to her to the point where it's affecting your relationship, say "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and it's affecting our relationship."
This.
posted by davejay at 2:24 PM on November 5, 2008
This.
posted by davejay at 2:24 PM on November 5, 2008
Go for the "healthy" angle....tell her you like seeing her healthy (i'm guessing you do) because you want her to be around for a long time :)
This might not be the best approach, depending on where she is in the recovery process. Many eating disorder sufferers equate "healthy" with "fat".
posted by CrazyGabby at 2:57 PM on November 5, 2008
This might not be the best approach, depending on where she is in the recovery process. Many eating disorder sufferers equate "healthy" with "fat".
posted by CrazyGabby at 2:57 PM on November 5, 2008
As someone who has an eating disorder, I agree that you are in a difficult position.
Support her, but do NOT enable her. If she is behaving in a way that is not acceptable, let her know. If you can't see yourself being with her because of the way she is behaving, break up with her. It sounds heartless, but the only way someone with an addictive disorder can change is when he or she is directly exposed to the consequences of their behaviors. Shielding them from consequence is just enabling, and will lengthen the time it takes for her to find recovery.
Read a book like Codependent No More to learn more about how to continue to advocate for your own needs while you are in this sort of relationship.
There are 12 step programs out there like Overeaters Anonymous that have been extraordinarily helpful to many people with eating disorders.
Telling her to do something is likely the best way to ensure that she will never do it.
Good luck, and God bless.
posted by rachelpapers at 3:31 PM on November 5, 2008
Support her, but do NOT enable her. If she is behaving in a way that is not acceptable, let her know. If you can't see yourself being with her because of the way she is behaving, break up with her. It sounds heartless, but the only way someone with an addictive disorder can change is when he or she is directly exposed to the consequences of their behaviors. Shielding them from consequence is just enabling, and will lengthen the time it takes for her to find recovery.
Read a book like Codependent No More to learn more about how to continue to advocate for your own needs while you are in this sort of relationship.
There are 12 step programs out there like Overeaters Anonymous that have been extraordinarily helpful to many people with eating disorders.
Telling her to do something is likely the best way to ensure that she will never do it.
Good luck, and God bless.
posted by rachelpapers at 3:31 PM on November 5, 2008
Remember that most EDs are only nominally about weight and mostly about control. Sufferers obsess over their eating beause they feel the rest of their life is out of control.
You can do a lot of good by praising your GF for the control she exerts over other aspects of her life, whether that's completing a DIY project, getting promoted, learning an instrument or getting the Christmas shopping done early.
posted by the latin mouse at 3:36 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
You can do a lot of good by praising your GF for the control she exerts over other aspects of her life, whether that's completing a DIY project, getting promoted, learning an instrument or getting the Christmas shopping done early.
posted by the latin mouse at 3:36 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
Any misconstrued or poorly timed statement will blow up in my face
Maybe I can help a bit with this part.
You're probably used to being careful about what you say about her by now, but you may want to be more aware of what you say about other women around her. Body image issues, in my opinion, are twofold: one is insecurity about what you look like, and the other is insecurity about what you're supposed to look like. So, for example, if you always tell your girlfriend she's pretty but you're always putting down other women (especially women who are thinner and/or conform more with the "conventionally attractive" look than her) she might be getting the impression that your compliments to her are not sincere, because if those other women don't measure up, she must not either. Similarly, if you're praising the super-skinny Hollywood types, it will come off as sounding like you expect her to look like that.
Really, aught has an excellent point about not framing compliments solely in terms of beauty. Unfortunately, the society we live in being what it is, you won't be able to avoid the subject entirely, so it couldn't hurt to reinforce her body image along with all of the other aspects of her self-image.
posted by AV at 4:20 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
Maybe I can help a bit with this part.
You're probably used to being careful about what you say about her by now, but you may want to be more aware of what you say about other women around her. Body image issues, in my opinion, are twofold: one is insecurity about what you look like, and the other is insecurity about what you're supposed to look like. So, for example, if you always tell your girlfriend she's pretty but you're always putting down other women (especially women who are thinner and/or conform more with the "conventionally attractive" look than her) she might be getting the impression that your compliments to her are not sincere, because if those other women don't measure up, she must not either. Similarly, if you're praising the super-skinny Hollywood types, it will come off as sounding like you expect her to look like that.
Really, aught has an excellent point about not framing compliments solely in terms of beauty. Unfortunately, the society we live in being what it is, you won't be able to avoid the subject entirely, so it couldn't hurt to reinforce her body image along with all of the other aspects of her self-image.
posted by AV at 4:20 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
I disagree with the tough love/12 step position cited above. The research data does *not* support the idea that being tough with people with addictive disorders helps them. You may have to be tough *for your own sanity*-- and that is warranted because it is true that you really can't help others if you are drained yourself and because it is OK to take care of yourself when you need to do so, anyway.
Codependent No More is widely discredited because when researchers looked at the idea of codependence, they found that the defining traits were so broad that it was like a horoscope diagnosis-- anyone could meet the criteria. Further, it pathologized genuine helping behaviors and is seen by many as doing so specifically in an anti-feminist way. YMMV-- but it's not something that isn't taken seriously these days by the real experts in the addictions field.
It is also simply not true that "the only way someone with an addictive disorder can change is when he or she is directly exposed to the consequences of their behaviors." Addiction is defined as compulsive behavior despite negative consequences. If negative consequences themselves cured it, it wouldn't exist. That said, sometimes when people become aware of the negative consequences, they stop. Other times, they keep going.
Being tough just as often makes things worse as better-- and you cannot predict which it will do. Sometimes, people need hope of change more than they need more consequences-- they get so demoralized that adding consequences actually takes them further from recovery. This is why things like needle exchange programs-- which were opposed by many so-called recovery advocates as "enabling"-- actually tend to get people into recovery. The experience of being treated as a human being who can get better and deserves to live is so novel to addicts and so empowering that they start to think, hey wait, maybe I don't have to live this way.
If she happens to like the 12-step approach, you can support her in that-- but be aware that there is a great deal of absolutism amongst people in the program who will say that "being tough is the only thing that works" and that being nice is always "enabling" and all kinds of other things that are based on their own anecdotal experience and not any familiarity with the research in the field.
I think if you can show her that you love her no matter how she is that is one of the most healing things in the world. It doesn't always conquer all-- but contrary to the codependence notion, many, many addicts actually recover by falling in love.
posted by Maias at 4:22 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
Codependent No More is widely discredited because when researchers looked at the idea of codependence, they found that the defining traits were so broad that it was like a horoscope diagnosis-- anyone could meet the criteria. Further, it pathologized genuine helping behaviors and is seen by many as doing so specifically in an anti-feminist way. YMMV-- but it's not something that isn't taken seriously these days by the real experts in the addictions field.
It is also simply not true that "the only way someone with an addictive disorder can change is when he or she is directly exposed to the consequences of their behaviors." Addiction is defined as compulsive behavior despite negative consequences. If negative consequences themselves cured it, it wouldn't exist. That said, sometimes when people become aware of the negative consequences, they stop. Other times, they keep going.
Being tough just as often makes things worse as better-- and you cannot predict which it will do. Sometimes, people need hope of change more than they need more consequences-- they get so demoralized that adding consequences actually takes them further from recovery. This is why things like needle exchange programs-- which were opposed by many so-called recovery advocates as "enabling"-- actually tend to get people into recovery. The experience of being treated as a human being who can get better and deserves to live is so novel to addicts and so empowering that they start to think, hey wait, maybe I don't have to live this way.
If she happens to like the 12-step approach, you can support her in that-- but be aware that there is a great deal of absolutism amongst people in the program who will say that "being tough is the only thing that works" and that being nice is always "enabling" and all kinds of other things that are based on their own anecdotal experience and not any familiarity with the research in the field.
I think if you can show her that you love her no matter how she is that is one of the most healing things in the world. It doesn't always conquer all-- but contrary to the codependence notion, many, many addicts actually recover by falling in love.
posted by Maias at 4:22 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
As someone who has been married for quite sometime to someone who likes puns and wordplay and is occasionally known to say to unsuspecting listeners, "You know 'therapist' parses as 'the rapist,"
(even our four children roll their eyes, it's true, I feel compelled to address your question from the other side of the aisle, as it were.)
Forget all the tiptoe through the eggshells and broken glass shit and just follow the golden (and only) rule. You know that one?
Compliment her for real on, I don't know, her ankles (while kissing them, of course), her acumen, her collarbones, that spot where her waist turns into her hips or her thighs become well, some other place.
I sometimes cried because I thought my husband (who is gorgeous by regular standards) loved me for my brain. That's a long story for another day. A few of my many previous boyfriends had voiced wistful suggestions for improvements I might make in my bodily appearance. I never had an eating disorder, but sometimes I wished I did to banish the little bump of a tummy in my 5'5'' 115lb. nubile frame.
If you've read this far without throwing up or thinking this is some come on thing, please, hear me out. After four babies (born without drugs, most at home, etc. and no I am not a vegetarian--no offense to those who are, I was once and should really be again), and the requisite expansion and contraction of my female body, I am more pleased with it now than ever. And not because I weigh less than ever (no diets, please), but because I finally was able in my insomniac conversations with my (still) husband to tell him about boys who thought "You would be just perfect if . . ."
To which he answered "That is so fucked up, I mean wrong, I can't believe anyone would make you feel that way. And by the way, I love your tummy. And everything else, too." Now whenever there are problems, or I think I have wrinkles or my fingernails leave a little to be desired in the grooming department, my refrain is "Well, at least I'm not fat!"
So my longwinded advice is: a little praise goes a long way.
In your own words, heartfelt, true, and not out of some manual.
P.S. As a mother, I have had plenty of friends with daughters with some serious eating issues/disorders, so I am not trying make light of their severity. I just think there's a lot of overplay in that situation and as the boyfriend/lover your best bet is not analysis and or therapy but love and understanding. And never forget to have fun!
posted by emhutchinson at 4:30 PM on November 5, 2008
(even our four children roll their eyes, it's true, I feel compelled to address your question from the other side of the aisle, as it were.)
Forget all the tiptoe through the eggshells and broken glass shit and just follow the golden (and only) rule. You know that one?
Compliment her for real on, I don't know, her ankles (while kissing them, of course), her acumen, her collarbones, that spot where her waist turns into her hips or her thighs become well, some other place.
I sometimes cried because I thought my husband (who is gorgeous by regular standards) loved me for my brain. That's a long story for another day. A few of my many previous boyfriends had voiced wistful suggestions for improvements I might make in my bodily appearance. I never had an eating disorder, but sometimes I wished I did to banish the little bump of a tummy in my 5'5'' 115lb. nubile frame.
If you've read this far without throwing up or thinking this is some come on thing, please, hear me out. After four babies (born without drugs, most at home, etc. and no I am not a vegetarian--no offense to those who are, I was once and should really be again), and the requisite expansion and contraction of my female body, I am more pleased with it now than ever. And not because I weigh less than ever (no diets, please), but because I finally was able in my insomniac conversations with my (still) husband to tell him about boys who thought "You would be just perfect if . . ."
To which he answered "That is so fucked up, I mean wrong, I can't believe anyone would make you feel that way. And by the way, I love your tummy. And everything else, too." Now whenever there are problems, or I think I have wrinkles or my fingernails leave a little to be desired in the grooming department, my refrain is "Well, at least I'm not fat!"
So my longwinded advice is: a little praise goes a long way.
In your own words, heartfelt, true, and not out of some manual.
P.S. As a mother, I have had plenty of friends with daughters with some serious eating issues/disorders, so I am not trying make light of their severity. I just think there's a lot of overplay in that situation and as the boyfriend/lover your best bet is not analysis and or therapy but love and understanding. And never forget to have fun!
posted by emhutchinson at 4:30 PM on November 5, 2008
The idea that eating disorders are about control is out of date, and thinking about it in that way with regards to your girlfriend is unhelpful. The current research shows that eating disorders, like most mental illnesses, are neurobiological in nature. Those who suffer from them are not acting out in order to assert control over their lives; they're manifesting symptoms of an illness, just as people who get fevers when they have the flu or hallucinate when they have schizophrenia are. Eating disorders are something like 50% heritable, meaning that the chances of developing one are as much as half influenced by genetic factors. Her brain is not thinking about her body or other people's bodies or food properly right now, and she's working to fix that. Bottom line: this isn't something that your girlfriend is doing; this is something that is happening in her brain and body.
Ask her what she needs. Do not talk about her body, her weight, or her health at all. Do not talk about other people's bodies or your own body or health or food. Talk to experts and read things that experts have written about how to help people who live with eating disorders. There was a recent question that linked to some good ones. But as long as she is trying her best to get treatment for herself, the best way for you to help her is to continue to love her and support her decision to continue with treatment for herself.
posted by decathecting at 4:46 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
Ask her what she needs. Do not talk about her body, her weight, or her health at all. Do not talk about other people's bodies or your own body or health or food. Talk to experts and read things that experts have written about how to help people who live with eating disorders. There was a recent question that linked to some good ones. But as long as she is trying her best to get treatment for herself, the best way for you to help her is to continue to love her and support her decision to continue with treatment for herself.
posted by decathecting at 4:46 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
Telling her she is beautiful---and that you would think so regardless of how her body changes---is good. Making it clear that you don't only find thin women attractive will probably be comforting to her (if this is actually true, otherwise leave it alone, I guess.)
Be as nonjudgemental about other's bodies and food choices as possible. Don't make comments about how "bad" it is to eat certain things or whatever. If she is amenable to it, you may try finding images of beautiful women of all sizes---I know for me, it helped a lot to see that sort of thing. MeMail me if you want recommendations in that vein.
If her protestations about eating healthily are that being "fat" is unhealthy, gather some information on the HAES or Health At Every Size movement.
Overall, the best tact to take is not "you're not fat" but "there's nothing wrong with your body regardless of its size."
posted by lacedback at 6:29 PM on November 5, 2008
Be as nonjudgemental about other's bodies and food choices as possible. Don't make comments about how "bad" it is to eat certain things or whatever. If she is amenable to it, you may try finding images of beautiful women of all sizes---I know for me, it helped a lot to see that sort of thing. MeMail me if you want recommendations in that vein.
If her protestations about eating healthily are that being "fat" is unhealthy, gather some information on the HAES or Health At Every Size movement.
Overall, the best tact to take is not "you're not fat" but "there's nothing wrong with your body regardless of its size."
posted by lacedback at 6:29 PM on November 5, 2008
The most helpful boyfriend I ever had basically 'ignored' (kind of a strong word...) the whole issue, made sure I knew he loved and appreciated me. And touched me. A lot.
Being touched might be a trigger for some, but for me at least, it was a helpful reminder of my beauty. Most of all, it was silent- and really there is nothing you can say that's right. If a man called me beautiful, or thin, I would think, "ok, this is working!" and keep at my self destruction. Obviously negative comments only compound the problem. Not that he didn't compliment me, but I didn't feel he was overdoing it at all in an effort to drill it into my head.
Occasionally he'd remind me to eat, but only if he'd noticed it had been days and I was irrational to the point of wondering aloud "why the hell am I so dizzy?". He wouldn't let me get away with being blatantly stupid, but he allowed me to work through my own problems, with his constant (if mostly unspoken) support. Just be there for her, and let her do the talking.
posted by sunshinesky at 6:52 PM on November 5, 2008
Being touched might be a trigger for some, but for me at least, it was a helpful reminder of my beauty. Most of all, it was silent- and really there is nothing you can say that's right. If a man called me beautiful, or thin, I would think, "ok, this is working!" and keep at my self destruction. Obviously negative comments only compound the problem. Not that he didn't compliment me, but I didn't feel he was overdoing it at all in an effort to drill it into my head.
Occasionally he'd remind me to eat, but only if he'd noticed it had been days and I was irrational to the point of wondering aloud "why the hell am I so dizzy?". He wouldn't let me get away with being blatantly stupid, but he allowed me to work through my own problems, with his constant (if mostly unspoken) support. Just be there for her, and let her do the talking.
posted by sunshinesky at 6:52 PM on November 5, 2008
I would say three things.
(1) Look at her with lust
(2) Major sex
(3) Refuse to talk about it beyond saying, I know you are working on this and I'm proud of you for that. REFUSE to say more.
Words are dangerous when people have running dialogues in their heads.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:02 PM on November 5, 2008 [3 favorites]
(1) Look at her with lust
(2) Major sex
(3) Refuse to talk about it beyond saying, I know you are working on this and I'm proud of you for that. REFUSE to say more.
Words are dangerous when people have running dialogues in their heads.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:02 PM on November 5, 2008 [3 favorites]
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