he's not crazy, insecure, or otherwise fucked up, so i need some help!
November 5, 2008 12:20 PM Subscribe
another "does he like me?" and if so, "how do i not fuck this up??"
met a guy online and we traded a bunch of great, fun emails back and forth for several days while our date approached. there was a little drama in that i realize he'd actually been on a few dates with a friend of mine (not a super close friend but someone i like a lot) but we get that squared away. we meet and hit it off, and it is fantastic; just amazing. we end up sleeping together, which isn't something i normally do if i really see potential with a guy, but it just felt right. almost everyone i have been in a relationship before has been quite different from me in terms of common interests which was a deliberate choice on my part (a desire to learn new and different things from my partner) but if you were to tell me to describe the "perfect" guy for me, this guy pretty much fits the bill from the big things down (personality, sense of humor, career, etc) to the most ridiculously trivial (where he grew up, what he drives, the amount of ink he's got, etc). and we are so alike, that it's weird. and most importantly, he seems to be the most emotionally healthy and happy person i've ever found myself attracted to (perhaps the only).
the next day he texts me something funny in reference to the night before and the week following, he sends me an email, text, or calls nearly every day. that tuesday he calls me while he's in the middle of making dinner for some friends who are over to watch the game and we talk for awhile. he says he'll call later in the week about doing something at the weekend, but i don't hear from him til friday when he calls asking me for help with a last-minute halloween costume but then gives up when i ask him if he just wants to join me and a couple of friends for dinner instead. the guy my friend is dating is dressed as andy warhol but looks more like andy dick and is definitely channeling the latter so dinner got uncomfortable at times. after dinner, drinks are suggested at a bar nearby and my date says he'll meet us there. my friend is impressed he actually does join us at the bar considering her date's behaviour. after one drink. she's done with her date and we decide to call it a night. he asks me what my plans are and i say i don't have any. he mentions again the party he'd been planning to go to but doesn't say anything else so i ask him he wants to take me. he says yes, definitely. we go there, he's very luvvy and kissy with me in front of his friends. then we head to a bar and meet up with one of his best friends before going to his place. the next morning takes me to brunch. then walks me home, kisses me several times and says he'll call me. the next day, as i'm dropping off a friend who lives around the corner from him, we run into him walking his dog. so we stop the car and he stands and shoots the shit with us for a bit (my friend says the whole time, he's ducking down trying to see me on the driver's side), before i tell him that if he met me at my friend's house, i'll join him and his dog for a walk. after the walk, he invites me up to hang out before he has to meet a friend for a movie and afterward, walks me to my car and gives me a kiss and says he'll talk to me later. i haven't heard from him since…which is weird considering he'd been emailing me nearly every day, even if it's just sending me a silly link, and particularly since i'd emailed him monday asking if he wanted to watch the elections together.
now, in the past, i couldn't be bothered with the dance that is dating (i'd always had just one date with a guy or ended up in insta-relationships almost right off the bat) but somehow, there's something different about this guy. before i went out with him, i showed his profile to my two closest girl friends and both of them actually independently said, "this is your future husband." and whether that is true or not, i don't want to—in the words of a friend—"fuck this one up." i've never been great at "playing it cool" so it's killing me to hold back and let take the lead in calling/texting/emailing. in the meanwhile, i'm also actively dating other people (but none who compare to this guy) concurrently which i have also never really done before either, although from some of the things he's said he doesn't seem to really be (but who knows).
so…i know this is going to make me sound completely clueless but i just need some objective (and especially the average male!) perspective on this:
a) does he like me?
b) am i doing this right?
c) is this the normal progression of dating?
d) what is up with my not hearing from him in a few days when i have previously heard from him nearly every day? is this just normal guy behaviour?
met a guy online and we traded a bunch of great, fun emails back and forth for several days while our date approached. there was a little drama in that i realize he'd actually been on a few dates with a friend of mine (not a super close friend but someone i like a lot) but we get that squared away. we meet and hit it off, and it is fantastic; just amazing. we end up sleeping together, which isn't something i normally do if i really see potential with a guy, but it just felt right. almost everyone i have been in a relationship before has been quite different from me in terms of common interests which was a deliberate choice on my part (a desire to learn new and different things from my partner) but if you were to tell me to describe the "perfect" guy for me, this guy pretty much fits the bill from the big things down (personality, sense of humor, career, etc) to the most ridiculously trivial (where he grew up, what he drives, the amount of ink he's got, etc). and we are so alike, that it's weird. and most importantly, he seems to be the most emotionally healthy and happy person i've ever found myself attracted to (perhaps the only).
the next day he texts me something funny in reference to the night before and the week following, he sends me an email, text, or calls nearly every day. that tuesday he calls me while he's in the middle of making dinner for some friends who are over to watch the game and we talk for awhile. he says he'll call later in the week about doing something at the weekend, but i don't hear from him til friday when he calls asking me for help with a last-minute halloween costume but then gives up when i ask him if he just wants to join me and a couple of friends for dinner instead. the guy my friend is dating is dressed as andy warhol but looks more like andy dick and is definitely channeling the latter so dinner got uncomfortable at times. after dinner, drinks are suggested at a bar nearby and my date says he'll meet us there. my friend is impressed he actually does join us at the bar considering her date's behaviour. after one drink. she's done with her date and we decide to call it a night. he asks me what my plans are and i say i don't have any. he mentions again the party he'd been planning to go to but doesn't say anything else so i ask him he wants to take me. he says yes, definitely. we go there, he's very luvvy and kissy with me in front of his friends. then we head to a bar and meet up with one of his best friends before going to his place. the next morning takes me to brunch. then walks me home, kisses me several times and says he'll call me. the next day, as i'm dropping off a friend who lives around the corner from him, we run into him walking his dog. so we stop the car and he stands and shoots the shit with us for a bit (my friend says the whole time, he's ducking down trying to see me on the driver's side), before i tell him that if he met me at my friend's house, i'll join him and his dog for a walk. after the walk, he invites me up to hang out before he has to meet a friend for a movie and afterward, walks me to my car and gives me a kiss and says he'll talk to me later. i haven't heard from him since…which is weird considering he'd been emailing me nearly every day, even if it's just sending me a silly link, and particularly since i'd emailed him monday asking if he wanted to watch the elections together.
now, in the past, i couldn't be bothered with the dance that is dating (i'd always had just one date with a guy or ended up in insta-relationships almost right off the bat) but somehow, there's something different about this guy. before i went out with him, i showed his profile to my two closest girl friends and both of them actually independently said, "this is your future husband." and whether that is true or not, i don't want to—in the words of a friend—"fuck this one up." i've never been great at "playing it cool" so it's killing me to hold back and let take the lead in calling/texting/emailing. in the meanwhile, i'm also actively dating other people (but none who compare to this guy) concurrently which i have also never really done before either, although from some of the things he's said he doesn't seem to really be (but who knows).
so…i know this is going to make me sound completely clueless but i just need some objective (and especially the average male!) perspective on this:
a) does he like me?
b) am i doing this right?
c) is this the normal progression of dating?
d) what is up with my not hearing from him in a few days when i have previously heard from him nearly every day? is this just normal guy behaviour?
I'm male, but I wouldn't really classify myself as "average" in my dating experience. Nevertheless, I will gladly 2nd jrichards, especially point e.
posted by owtytrof at 12:43 PM on November 5, 2008
posted by owtytrof at 12:43 PM on November 5, 2008
Good lord, honey. Breathe.
a) Sounds like a yes
b) Again, just breathe. You're doing fine.
c) There is no such thing. Therefore, yes.
d) Call him or email him if you want to talk to him. It's been a few days, you say? No big deal. Maybe he's wondering if you're as into it as he is, if he's doing most of the initiating.
Seconding jrichards, you really need to chill out with the pedestal. He's a dude. A fun to hang out with dude with whom you've got good chemistry. He might be the right guy for you, he might not, but constantly worrying that this is IT, and he is the one, and you might do something wrong? That's a guaranteed way to scare him off.
posted by amelioration at 12:44 PM on November 5, 2008 [3 favorites]
a) Sounds like a yes
b) Again, just breathe. You're doing fine.
c) There is no such thing. Therefore, yes.
d) Call him or email him if you want to talk to him. It's been a few days, you say? No big deal. Maybe he's wondering if you're as into it as he is, if he's doing most of the initiating.
Seconding jrichards, you really need to chill out with the pedestal. He's a dude. A fun to hang out with dude with whom you've got good chemistry. He might be the right guy for you, he might not, but constantly worrying that this is IT, and he is the one, and you might do something wrong? That's a guaranteed way to scare him off.
posted by amelioration at 12:44 PM on November 5, 2008 [3 favorites]
To quote my now-SO-of-five-years, five years ago: "You know, I would call you every day, but then you'd think I was a creepy stalker guy." (said jokingly)
"You know, i would call YOU every day, but then you would think i was the creepy stalker chick."
*pause*
"this is silly."
After that, it almost never happened that we didn't speak to each other daily. And then after 2 1/2 years he moved in.
posted by micawber at 12:51 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
"You know, i would call YOU every day, but then you would think i was the creepy stalker chick."
*pause*
"this is silly."
After that, it almost never happened that we didn't speak to each other daily. And then after 2 1/2 years he moved in.
posted by micawber at 12:51 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
a) Yes, but possibly, possibly not as much as you like him.
b) Are you happy?
c) Whatever works for the two of you. Maybe it's mad monkey sex from day one, or slowly coming together or whatever
d) Don't know, call him. If there's ever a time to be "I can't get enough of you" it's at the beginning of a relationship. Don't be stalker girl about it, but give him a buzz.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:03 PM on November 5, 2008
b) Are you happy?
c) Whatever works for the two of you. Maybe it's mad monkey sex from day one, or slowly coming together or whatever
d) Don't know, call him. If there's ever a time to be "I can't get enough of you" it's at the beginning of a relationship. Don't be stalker girl about it, but give him a buzz.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:03 PM on November 5, 2008
Give him a call. If you like him and you want him then get off your ass and do something about it.
posted by MaxK at 1:08 PM on November 5, 2008
posted by MaxK at 1:08 PM on November 5, 2008
i haven't heard from him since…which is weird considering he'd been emailing me nearly every day
How long has it been? 1-2 days, a week, two weeks?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:33 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
How long has it been? 1-2 days, a week, two weeks?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:33 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
a) I would guess no.
b) Kinda except for the fact that you've hyped him up to the point where his current rejection of you is going to hurt.
c) It is normal if you're looking forward to that "i'm just not that into you speech".
d) No it's not.
He's not that into you. It's been what, four or five days since you last received an email. And you have no idea if he had a business trip, a family vacation, or anything. He says "I'll talk to you later" and...doesn't. That's strange. It sounds like he's a talker - a guy who is great to be with, feeds off your vibe and, then, right when you fall for him, he's gone. He could be against comitment, it could take him awhile to feel real chemistry with someone, or he could just really enjoy talking about himself and mask it to seem like he actually is interested in you. A guy who is really into you doesn't stop talking to you or communicating with you - he does everything in his power to KEEP talking to you. If the whole "I hope I'm not looking like a crazy stalker" conversation didn't go on in his head, he's not into you. He's probably just totally into himself.
But, anyways, call him. He didn't respond to your email to up it to a phone call. If he blows you off then, or plays the "I'll call you later" and doesn't give you a specific time or date to call you, move on.
posted by Stynxno at 1:42 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
b) Kinda except for the fact that you've hyped him up to the point where his current rejection of you is going to hurt.
c) It is normal if you're looking forward to that "i'm just not that into you speech".
d) No it's not.
He's not that into you. It's been what, four or five days since you last received an email. And you have no idea if he had a business trip, a family vacation, or anything. He says "I'll talk to you later" and...doesn't. That's strange. It sounds like he's a talker - a guy who is great to be with, feeds off your vibe and, then, right when you fall for him, he's gone. He could be against comitment, it could take him awhile to feel real chemistry with someone, or he could just really enjoy talking about himself and mask it to seem like he actually is interested in you. A guy who is really into you doesn't stop talking to you or communicating with you - he does everything in his power to KEEP talking to you. If the whole "I hope I'm not looking like a crazy stalker" conversation didn't go on in his head, he's not into you. He's probably just totally into himself.
But, anyways, call him. He didn't respond to your email to up it to a phone call. If he blows you off then, or plays the "I'll call you later" and doesn't give you a specific time or date to call you, move on.
posted by Stynxno at 1:42 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
That's sexist Hollywood Movie malarkey right there.
There's nothing sexist about it- it applies to women, too. If you like someone, you try your best not to disappoint them by disappearing for days on end- hopefully that's not the case here, but only time will tell.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:09 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
There's nothing sexist about it- it applies to women, too. If you like someone, you try your best not to disappoint them by disappearing for days on end- hopefully that's not the case here, but only time will tell.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:09 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
First off I don't think you've done anything wrong, so to speak, to scare him off. Obviously I can't read his mind, but it looks like you two are on the brink of a fairly serious relationship. As in if things continued as they were, you would quickly become a couple. For whatever reason, perhaps one he can't even really pinpoint, something is holding him back from doing so. It may be he doesn't want a serious relationship or he isn't over someone else or he just doesn't feel enough of a connection with you to seriously date you and has pulled back rather than lead you on. I think I should emphasize I don't think it's anything you did or didn't do, sometimes things can looks perfect on paper, but don't translate quite so well to real life.
There is also the possibility that he simply needs some time to think about plunging into this relationship before he does so and is taking some time off from you to think about it. In which case he'll call you.
posted by whoaali at 5:19 PM on November 5, 2008
There is also the possibility that he simply needs some time to think about plunging into this relationship before he does so and is taking some time off from you to think about it. In which case he'll call you.
posted by whoaali at 5:19 PM on November 5, 2008
a) yes
b) there is no absolute "right" but you sound like you're in fine form
c) ditto
d) could be anything (work, family, illness, unpaid internet / phone bills, friends from out of town, election, taking a quick breath in the midst of diving in quickly, etc) - *don't stress*.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:34 PM on November 5, 2008
b) there is no absolute "right" but you sound like you're in fine form
c) ditto
d) could be anything (work, family, illness, unpaid internet / phone bills, friends from out of town, election, taking a quick breath in the midst of diving in quickly, etc) - *don't stress*.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:34 PM on November 5, 2008
Yeah, I say give him a call tomorrow night and invite him to something on Saturday if you haven't heard from him by then. I mean, you want to hang with him, right?
posted by Deathalicious at 11:41 PM on November 5, 2008
posted by Deathalicious at 11:41 PM on November 5, 2008
Oh, you could also try, in a nice moment, looking at him all goofy-like and say, "I really like you" and see how he responds. Holding in your feelings is just going to make them seem that much more intense/powerful.
posted by Deathalicious at 11:42 PM on November 5, 2008
posted by Deathalicious at 11:42 PM on November 5, 2008
Yeah, I definitely agree with those who say he's probably just busy. Honestly, I have been head over heels in love with someone before, but honestly and genuinely not thought about them in a couple of days when I was majorly stressed and had a lot to handle emotionally and academically. That shouldn't be an indication of disinterest - only if it happened more than a few times.
Also, judging by my reading of this, the last time you saw him was Sunday (Hallowe'en Friday, brunch on Saturday, dropping off the next day) and it's now Wednesday night. That's... not that long a stretch of time, first of all. Second, what's wrong with calling him? Third, you're actively dating other people - does this mean you are not as interested in him? Has he found out somehow that you are dating other people? Is he now wondering "I've done a lot of the communicating, yet I disappear for three days but she doesn't even notice, does she not like me?"
There are so many factors here. If you really don't want to fuck this up, stop waiting for him to call you, as it sounds like you have been doing.
posted by Phire at 12:24 AM on November 6, 2008
Also, judging by my reading of this, the last time you saw him was Sunday (Hallowe'en Friday, brunch on Saturday, dropping off the next day) and it's now Wednesday night. That's... not that long a stretch of time, first of all. Second, what's wrong with calling him? Third, you're actively dating other people - does this mean you are not as interested in him? Has he found out somehow that you are dating other people? Is he now wondering "I've done a lot of the communicating, yet I disappear for three days but she doesn't even notice, does she not like me?"
There are so many factors here. If you really don't want to fuck this up, stop waiting for him to call you, as it sounds like you have been doing.
posted by Phire at 12:24 AM on November 6, 2008
Response by poster: hi everyone_thanks for the perspective. it's definitely what i need…
until then, spend some time trying to figure out how to bring a lesser crazy version of you to the table.
well, the reason i'm bring it to the mefite table is so that i don't bring it to his! and no worries, it's not as though i'm thinking he's the one or my soulmate or any of that claptrap—mainly because i don't believe in those concepts. i'm just excited about him!
It's been what, four or five days since you last received an email.
yes, but we went out friday night, went to brunch saturday morning, and ran into each other sunday afternoon and hung out for a bit. but he finally shot me an email yesterday to let me know that he'd gotten slammed with a sudden deadline (which was actually what the tiny voice of ration was telling me) that was happening today and then back to the usual with another email with a link today. but like, no asking out. so i finally just asked if he wanted to meet up for drinks later and he said yes—and then i got scolded by a friend for doing the asking again. i mean, everyone says it sounds/looks like he likes me but what's up with the laziness about asking me out?
posted by violetk at 4:42 PM on November 6, 2008
until then, spend some time trying to figure out how to bring a lesser crazy version of you to the table.
well, the reason i'm bring it to the mefite table is so that i don't bring it to his! and no worries, it's not as though i'm thinking he's the one or my soulmate or any of that claptrap—mainly because i don't believe in those concepts. i'm just excited about him!
It's been what, four or five days since you last received an email.
yes, but we went out friday night, went to brunch saturday morning, and ran into each other sunday afternoon and hung out for a bit. but he finally shot me an email yesterday to let me know that he'd gotten slammed with a sudden deadline (which was actually what the tiny voice of ration was telling me) that was happening today and then back to the usual with another email with a link today. but like, no asking out. so i finally just asked if he wanted to meet up for drinks later and he said yes—and then i got scolded by a friend for doing the asking again. i mean, everyone says it sounds/looks like he likes me but what's up with the laziness about asking me out?
posted by violetk at 4:42 PM on November 6, 2008
Hey, if you want something, go after it. I don't really think it's fair of your friends to berate you for pursuing something you want in a measured pace. Maybe you're just more proactive, that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Good on you.
posted by Phire at 5:43 PM on November 6, 2008
posted by Phire at 5:43 PM on November 6, 2008
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a) yes
b) sure
c) probably
d) He's busy. Give him a few days and then drop him a line and see what happens. You guys spent a lot of time together in the last week or so. He probably just needs a break.
e) STOP building him up in your head so much. That is SUICIDE!
posted by jrichards at 12:31 PM on November 5, 2008 [1 favorite]