Drunken behavior
October 1, 2004 12:15 AM   Subscribe

Bad behavior with alcohol as an excuse: what's the worst thing you ever stole while inebriated (larceny only objects; some guy/girl's heart doesn't count.)

C'mon, bare your soul. Many people behave..well, a little badly at some point in a misanthropic or wayward youth. Alcohol might even contribute. That's how the discussion went. So, is there any larceny in your soul?

Oh, me? Yeah, a pool cue. No, it wasn't one you could take apart either.
posted by filmgeek to Human Relations (51 answers total)
Road signs. Lots of road signs.
posted by paradigm at 1:00 AM on October 1, 2004

When I was younger I would nick these flat sausage roll things from service stations. They were so nice after half a cask of dry white!
posted by malpractice at 1:12 AM on October 1, 2004

I got stopped by the police once carrying a traffic sign. He made us take it back. Spoilsport. And who doesn't have a couple of traffic cones at the bottom of their garden?
posted by salmacis at 1:27 AM on October 1, 2004

There's no one worst thing, not that I can remember anyway: traffic signs from the road, and ashtrays & beer-glasses from pubs.
posted by misteraitch at 2:20 AM on October 1, 2004

A concrete fence.
posted by holloway at 2:23 AM on October 1, 2004

For me, less about stealing, more about forcing dry-cleaning bills onto people.
posted by SpaceCadet at 3:21 AM on October 1, 2004

I stole my friends glasses and convinced her that I'd thrown them into a big patch of overgrown land. Sadly I was so drunk I convinced myself too. When I eventually found them and called to let her know she was actually going into the opticians to get a new pair.
posted by biffa at 3:43 AM on October 1, 2004

Not very original but I stole a traffic cone when I was a student (it's a rite of passage as a student in the UK).
posted by floanna at 3:54 AM on October 1, 2004

Not very original but I stole a traffic cone when I was a student (it's a rite of passage as a student in the UK).

I once took a traffic cone from some roadworks and threw it onto the back of a pick-up truck that was passing.

But that doesn't count, coz I wasn't drunk when I did it.
posted by SpaceCadet at 4:27 AM on October 1, 2004

We used to take all manner of cones and road/street/realty signs, but the purpose was less the theft than the artistic presentation. Imagine 50+ of those "For Sale" realty signs (the ones with 2 legs you push into the ground) arranged in rows of solar-panel-like arcs across a buddy's lawn.

It's the only thing I miss about high school.
posted by jalexei at 5:16 AM on October 1, 2004

I like your style spacecadet :D

Oh and thanks for the reminder misteraitch of the beer glasses and many ashtrays I've obtained over the years too!
posted by floanna at 5:49 AM on October 1, 2004

A friend and I carried a fire hydrant for about two feet before giving up.
posted by ODiV at 6:04 AM on October 1, 2004

Hmmm... A group of us stripped a skip of it's flashing lights and walked home with them. When the police went [ast the lights quickly went up jackets and inside shirts, but you can't turn those bastards off, so we're all there with flashing shirts. Very ammusing at the time.

On another occasion, we stole an eight foot christmas tree (complete with decorations, lights and fake presents) from a Uni hall and took it back to our own...

A favourite (which may or may not count) is stealing 'for sale' signs from houses, and re-erecting them a few doors down.
posted by twine42 at 6:04 AM on October 1, 2004

Stone garden animals. Road signs. Many lighters (this was a contest between a friend and I, who could steal the most lighters from people). An Elias Bros. Big Boy (the midwest restaurant, I lived in Detroit at the time).

As the collection of my cohort and I began to grow, we became a bit more daring, and the last thing we did was a table from a park. A pretty nice table, at that.

We were a block from my house when a cop pulled up next to us, and proceeded to say, in his best Yogi Bear voice,

"Hey, Boo Boo! Where are you going with that picanic table?"

Ah, high school.
posted by adampsyche at 6:22 AM on October 1, 2004

Climbed to the top of a flagpole at Mcdonalds with knife in teeth to cut down McDonalds flag. That's how I recall it. In real life we probably just cut the rope standing there on the ground.
posted by luser at 6:38 AM on October 1, 2004

Every memorial day in the town where I grew up there is a parade, and every Memorial Day Eve everyone puts out all manner of blankets, folding chairs, camping equipment, coolers, water jugs, traffic cones, ropes, ribbons, and even watermelons to save their spots along the parade rounte.


Also, like others have said, the lighter game is fun, but works best if you have some pot to send around: bowl goes out, bowl and lighter come back, both go back in pocket. I'd always try to get the tap at keg parties, too, cause having your own comes in mighty handy. And I'd steal anything and everything I could from frat parties, because, you know, fuck frat boys.
posted by ChasFile at 6:56 AM on October 1, 2004

I grabbed a young woman's behind once, in a convenience store, after drinking 11 beers in a 1 hour drinking contest in college. Luckily it didn't come off in my hand.

She was very angry and gave me a lecture about how she felt demeaned as a woman. In the middle of it, because I was so drunk, I started laughing, and eventually she started half-smiling too, even though she was still lecturing me.

Ahh, youth.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:01 AM on October 1, 2004

A picnic table. From my neighbours. Over the fence.

I don't drink anymore...
posted by Quartermass at 7:08 AM on October 1, 2004

A giant, black, steel number "4" from the front terrace of a dentist's office.

My housemates stole a traffic light. The entire pole, I mean.
posted by Succa at 7:11 AM on October 1, 2004

one of these whatever they're called.
people gave me strange looks on the subway ride home.
posted by mr.marx at 7:12 AM on October 1, 2004

Traffic sign. Complete with metal pole that sign was attached to. Had a bitch of a time carrying it up to our fourth-floor flat.

Why do I get the feeling most of these are crimes of opportunity -- picnic tables, traffic signs, fire hydrants...
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:14 AM on October 1, 2004

A 5 gallon carboy of water (capped, I didn't steal it out of the dispenser). I tried to take it back but couldn't find where I'd gotten it--turns out it was 40 feet from my door.
posted by m@ at 8:03 AM on October 1, 2004

Oh, also, a cooler that was sitting in the back of a pickup truck, full of ice cold beer, which we discovered right after all the bars closed. I really can't say for sure that I wouldn't steal that again today, even perfectly sober, under the same circumstances.

I still have the cooler and use it a lot, and this was 25 years ago.

Also me & my buds used to steel great mountains of cases of empty beer bottles from the alley outside a bar, walk them over to the liquor store, and turn them in for the deposit until we had enough for a new case. It was all about the recycling.
posted by luser at 8:06 AM on October 1, 2004

While at college in 1979, the apartment complex I lived in played muzak in the halls. So, one night around 1:30, I filched every damn speaker from all seven floors from all three apartment buildings. Took me about 2 1/2 hours.

(I left the PA system and the fire alarms untouched.)
posted by mischief at 9:11 AM on October 1, 2004

I swiped a neat flight holder and shot glasses after the bastards at the Mexican place told me two flights of tequilla (6 shots) was enough.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:12 AM on October 1, 2004

I wasn't drunk but a friend and I took apart a gazebo and built it back up in his back yard.

Now that I think of it, I've never stole anything drunk. I'm just a criminal, yay!
posted by JakeEXTREME at 9:12 AM on October 1, 2004

You are ALL under arrest.
posted by FreezBoy at 9:12 AM on October 1, 2004

we were too drunk at a party, so we were getting kicked out by the hosts. of course we felt this was unfair and as payback, stole all the alcohol out of his cupboards and all the beer from the fridge when we left. i remember walking out with my pants tucked into my socks, with a fifth of vodka and ten cans of beer down there. and there were four of us.

wow, we were asses.
posted by ruwan at 9:20 AM on October 1, 2004

A TV aerial, from the top of a house. I then proceeded to fall off the roof. If I hadn't been that drunk I'd probably have killed myself.
posted by influx at 9:31 AM on October 1, 2004

Not strictly on topic but I did once try to piss out of a friend's front window while arseholed. While camping a friend of mine got out of his sleeping bag then urinated on it. But best of all I know someone who walked into a police station and pissed down the front desk.

following influx's stroy, some friends of mine also got back from a night of drinking and were in a second floor kitchen (third floor for americans). One sat on a window ledge then fell out, they rushed over and he was just stood below asking to be let in.
posted by biffa at 9:56 AM on October 1, 2004

When I was 20, back in the Olden Days, I was in France on a bit of a busmans' holiday with my mate. Beer was cheep, the wine was cheaper, and we got pissed every night before staggering back to our campsite.

One night we passed a set of plastic garden furniture, and thought that we could use that back at the campsite.

Imagine our surprise when, only 100 yrds from the site, we noticed that we were being followed by the gendarmes in a patrol car.

They said nothing, nor did we. We attempted to keep a straight face and a straight line whilst retracing our step a good mile back to where we found the damned thing. Never stolen anything under the influence since.

that's tenure track behaviour in Australia, y'know.
posted by dash_slot- at 10:14 AM on October 1, 2004

Wasn't so much theft as vandalism, but a friend and I went to an American Legion hall in a small town in Nebraska and switched the letters on their sign around from
posted by COBRA! at 10:24 AM on October 1, 2004

we stole a 15ft tree at uni and put it inside our block's reception room.

the only trouble was, we had to pull it out of the ground first.
posted by triv at 10:40 AM on October 1, 2004

That's a coat rack, mr.marx.

And whilst I'm here, may I mention that I've never been drunk? That whole "alcoholism runs in the family" thing has scared me off.
posted by deborah at 10:54 AM on October 1, 2004

One night I was *bad*. Usually I get paranoid drunk and antisocial, but this was a get ready thing for a drunken football game for the next day. I don't really know the point but we came in caravans with our cars, shut off the lights and do extreme TP'ing (we ran out of TP first run so we had to resort to stealing). We were bold and went into backyards and stole furniture and the stone garden rabbits in the area. Of course we had no use for anything so I collected a ton of rabbits and set them all facing towards one house. That and my idea of turning on hoses all the way and burying it in the snow... I actually feel sorry for those people who had an ice skating rink in their backyard and never knew it.
posted by geoff. at 11:07 AM on October 1, 2004

I'm losing a lot of respect for my fellow MeFites on this thread. Sigh.

Deborah: If your family history hadn't scared you off drinking, surely these stories would have. I realized I never wanted to be drunk when I witnessed some inebriated co-workers throwing lawn darts at each other, and laughing.
posted by kindall at 11:13 AM on October 1, 2004

I ripped the sign off the front of my freshman year dorm. I think my old roommate still has it.

Lots of pint glasses.
posted by mbd1mbd1 at 11:24 AM on October 1, 2004

A light-up baby Jesus from a neighbor's front yard around Christmas.
posted by hootch at 11:29 AM on October 1, 2004

fire for others
posted by ethylene at 11:57 AM on October 1, 2004

Succa - do I know you? My dorm-mates and I stole a whole traffic light and pole as well. We thought we scored a major coup until bees started to come out of it the next day... (Karma will get you every time.)
posted by MsVader at 12:50 PM on October 1, 2004

Oh man.

One night, while celebrating a friend's new job opportunity, I got fit shaced on So Co and 7&7s. Anyway, we were about to leave so I went down to the pisser to relieve myself. A buddy of mine walks in and points out that someone in one of the stalls left his crutches outside of them leaning against the wall. And wouldn't it be funny if we took them, he said. In my drunken stupor, I took them, ran out the pub and down the streets. My friends had to drive around for 20 minutes to find me. When they did, they threw me into a car and told me I had to return the crutches. Of course, I jumped out of the car with the crutches and threw them in an alley, never knowing if the guy they belonged to ever found them.

Oh and these weren't the kind of crutches you get if you break your ankle. These are the kind that look like canes with the clasps that fit around your forarms.

And before you judge me, know that I will be spending eternity in hell.
posted by inviolable at 3:56 PM on October 1, 2004 [1 favorite]

Inviolable, damn you, at least now I know who took my sticks...I actually used those type of crutches ( from UK) for a year, and you get lots of stares, and people talk to you like you are "special."
As to the thread at hand, as teens under the influence, we would sneeak into the Greek Orthodox church during their services, in the basement was the most amazing spread of food, sitting unprotected. More than once we would help ourselves.. oh, and we would take their candles, too.

I guess i'll be rooming with you in hell.
posted by Duck_Lips at 4:49 PM on October 1, 2004

Numerous picnic tables, stools, ashtrays, pint glasses and various forms of booze. More interesting highlights are a set of patio furniture stolen from the 5th floor balcony at the back of a branch of HMV in the middle of the night and 2 bottles of rather good wine, right off the bar, of the Prime Minister's hotel during Conservative Party conference (lots of police!) and then drunk out of tea cups...I really could go on...
posted by prentiz at 5:08 PM on October 1, 2004

I'm losing a lot of respect for my fellow MeFites on this thread. Sigh.

Kindall, honey... it was going to happen sooner or later. To err is to be human.

Let's see... two 19inch Sony Trinitron video editing monitors from a school donation lab. 60 pounds each and walked them 3 blocks, set them carefully on the curb, walked home, got in the car, and picked them up. Very heavily intoxicated.

About $100 of hard alcohol from a house after one of my friends got in a fight with the host, it turns out the host was touching up my friend when she was passed out. He got a black eye and a broken bathroom mirror for that one.

Destroyed a server and two bathrooms at this persons house because he stole beer from me, right in front of me, and told me to shut up. I walked right up to the keyboard and poured beer all over it.

Do I regret this? At times, yes. But at least I will never be half as bad as stealing crutches. Man, what a shithead!
posted by Keyser Soze at 5:55 PM on October 1, 2004

More beer.
posted by swift at 6:25 PM on October 1, 2004

Damn, I can't think of anything I've stolen while pissed. I must be doing it wrong.
posted by scarabic at 6:41 PM on October 1, 2004

3 handles of liquor from a big house party.

portapotty! part of our senior prank. mua haha.

at least 18 golf flags.

as many pint glasses as i could stack up and fit in my jacket.
posted by slhack3r at 6:44 PM on October 1, 2004

Under the influence? Me and a buddy stole plywood food items from the wall of a local supermarket. I got a large cheese and my buddy got a steak, which he displayed proudly in his room. Who wouldn't? He had the biggest, hardest meat on campus.
posted by plinth at 7:50 PM on October 1, 2004

An antique doll.

Its porcelain head was propmptly smashed and used to consume some sort of cheap whiskey.

The body was impaled on a car antenna.
posted by esch at 12:08 AM on October 2, 2004

I stole quonsar one night. He was unweildy, and I had trouble maneuvering him around corners, but finally I got him into the cab of the blimp and we were home free.

If he hadn't found that umbrella and bailed out at treetop level I'd be using him as a garden gnome this very second.
posted by mwhybark at 1:22 AM on October 2, 2004

The flag pole and flag from the first hole of the golf course at Vassar.
posted by cortex at 3:17 PM on October 4, 2004

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