Help me break up with a friend in the least messy / most responsible way possible.
November 3, 2008 3:01 PM Subscribe
Help me break up with a friend in the least messy / most responsible way possible.
Apologies in advance for the length.
Jen and I have been friends since high school. She's a bad friend. She has always attempted to be controlling, and succeeds at being judgmental and rude to me and the rest of our group of friends from high school to the point that only one or two of us are still in contact with her. In the past she has doled out passive-aggressive punishments to people she felt had wronged her even slightly. She currently lives hundreds of miles away, and calls to chat now and then, and up until recently, this had been a fine arrangement for me since our interaction was little enough that her behavior didn't bother me much.
Cut to two months ago when I got married, her behavior (passive-aggressive punishment - withholding congratulations, snarky remarks in text messages and on social networking sites, getting her father involved in my relationship with her) due to a perceived slight (not calling her the moment I was engaged) was the final straw for me. I let it go at the time and didn't tell her that I thought she was behaving badly. She didn't make it to the wedding, which didn't matter to me either way. I didn't worry about any of it because I was blissfully enjoying my wedding and honeymoon.
Since things have settled I've realized I'm still upset at the way she acted, and at this point I have no interest in maintaining a friendship with Jen. I've ignored and not returned two or three calls she's made to me since I returned from my honeymoon. I'm happy to fade away, except about a week ago she finally sent me a message asking if she had done something wrong, or if I was not returning her calls because I was busy (which is not uncommon for either of us). I don't feel that I owe her an explanation, but I hate to let a point-blank question fall by the way-side.
Do I explain that her behavior about my wedding hurt me and made me realize she's not much of a friend? Or should I ignore the message as I have been doing and continue to fade out?
I'm not interested in having a long, drawn out break up, and there's nothing she can do at this point to try to make up. Whether I was wrong or she was wrong is irrelevant to me at this point. While it would be extremely gratifying for me personally to finally let her know that she treats her friends like crap and that's why she hasn't got any, I'm not sure that's the best course of action. The only caveat is that it is likely that I will see her at a mutual friend's engagement party at the end of this month. Ultimately I'd like the break up to be as tidy and good for my heart as possible, so if the general advice is to keep my mouth shut, that's OK too.
We're both mid 20s female. I've left out a lot of the laborious (and in my mind, unimportant) details about our exchanges, but if more info is needed, I can be reached at: byefriend@hushmail.com
Apologies in advance for the length.
Jen and I have been friends since high school. She's a bad friend. She has always attempted to be controlling, and succeeds at being judgmental and rude to me and the rest of our group of friends from high school to the point that only one or two of us are still in contact with her. In the past she has doled out passive-aggressive punishments to people she felt had wronged her even slightly. She currently lives hundreds of miles away, and calls to chat now and then, and up until recently, this had been a fine arrangement for me since our interaction was little enough that her behavior didn't bother me much.
Cut to two months ago when I got married, her behavior (passive-aggressive punishment - withholding congratulations, snarky remarks in text messages and on social networking sites, getting her father involved in my relationship with her) due to a perceived slight (not calling her the moment I was engaged) was the final straw for me. I let it go at the time and didn't tell her that I thought she was behaving badly. She didn't make it to the wedding, which didn't matter to me either way. I didn't worry about any of it because I was blissfully enjoying my wedding and honeymoon.
Since things have settled I've realized I'm still upset at the way she acted, and at this point I have no interest in maintaining a friendship with Jen. I've ignored and not returned two or three calls she's made to me since I returned from my honeymoon. I'm happy to fade away, except about a week ago she finally sent me a message asking if she had done something wrong, or if I was not returning her calls because I was busy (which is not uncommon for either of us). I don't feel that I owe her an explanation, but I hate to let a point-blank question fall by the way-side.
Do I explain that her behavior about my wedding hurt me and made me realize she's not much of a friend? Or should I ignore the message as I have been doing and continue to fade out?
I'm not interested in having a long, drawn out break up, and there's nothing she can do at this point to try to make up. Whether I was wrong or she was wrong is irrelevant to me at this point. While it would be extremely gratifying for me personally to finally let her know that she treats her friends like crap and that's why she hasn't got any, I'm not sure that's the best course of action. The only caveat is that it is likely that I will see her at a mutual friend's engagement party at the end of this month. Ultimately I'd like the break up to be as tidy and good for my heart as possible, so if the general advice is to keep my mouth shut, that's OK too.
We're both mid 20s female. I've left out a lot of the laborious (and in my mind, unimportant) details about our exchanges, but if more info is needed, I can be reached at: byefriend@hushmail.com
I think jessamyn's idea is a good one: as gratifying as revenge might seem, it won't solve anything. Send that last short message and be done with it.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 3:20 PM on November 3, 2008
posted by Solon and Thanks at 3:20 PM on November 3, 2008
Whatever you decide to do, keep in mind that years down the road you will find yourself in situations that will remind you of this emotional ride, as well as offer new insight about Jen's version of it all. This will be revealing, but it will also make taking the high road seem like not such a big deal. You don't want to find yourself wishing you had done that.
She will likely be having experiences like this too, and struggling with how to be a good person, through trial and error.
I went through something similar, sort of, years ago. I was on the receiving end of weird behavior from a long-time friend going through a whirlwind of wedding plans. Shortly after her wedding she stopped all contact with me, no explanation, mutual friends refused to speak about it. I spent a long while being confused and stuck. I didn't actually start healing until a year after the unexpected break, when a relative of hers fessed up that my close friend didn't want to talk to me, and to not bother her as to why. As vague as it was, it allowed me to finally let go of reanalyzing the past, and start moving forwards. It occurred to me that finding out why was pointless...she had a year start on me, and obviously felt like I wasn't owed anything, not even info I could have used to reflect on what went wrong.
It was mean and horrible. I've learned a lot about myself from it, but not after years of being skiddish about friendships and worrying about making mistakes or being a bad friend and nobody telling me. As I've faced similar situations, where I've wanted to walk away from friends behaving badly, I've used this past experience to draw upon. I wouldn't wish was she did to me on anybody, especially on somebody I once considered a friend, no matter how misguided that honorific seems now.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:28 PM on November 3, 2008 [2 favorites]
She will likely be having experiences like this too, and struggling with how to be a good person, through trial and error.
I went through something similar, sort of, years ago. I was on the receiving end of weird behavior from a long-time friend going through a whirlwind of wedding plans. Shortly after her wedding she stopped all contact with me, no explanation, mutual friends refused to speak about it. I spent a long while being confused and stuck. I didn't actually start healing until a year after the unexpected break, when a relative of hers fessed up that my close friend didn't want to talk to me, and to not bother her as to why. As vague as it was, it allowed me to finally let go of reanalyzing the past, and start moving forwards. It occurred to me that finding out why was pointless...she had a year start on me, and obviously felt like I wasn't owed anything, not even info I could have used to reflect on what went wrong.
It was mean and horrible. I've learned a lot about myself from it, but not after years of being skiddish about friendships and worrying about making mistakes or being a bad friend and nobody telling me. As I've faced similar situations, where I've wanted to walk away from friends behaving badly, I've used this past experience to draw upon. I wouldn't wish was she did to me on anybody, especially on somebody I once considered a friend, no matter how misguided that honorific seems now.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:28 PM on November 3, 2008 [2 favorites]
I know where people above are coming from regarding not telling her, but I'm not a believer in karma nor in basic human intelligence. There's no guarantee that she'll figure it out, and it sounds like you still do care about her in a way that you would like to leave her with something that would actually help her. Telling her you're not her friend anymore and that's that is not helpful in that regard.
I don't think it will necessarily rub her nose in your marriage, as you can certainly explain things in a way that will keep your status and her behavior separate.
Not everybody has people around them who will tell them these things, to help them grow up (already), and say the things that need to be said. This is in no way to construe that you should reconsider your decision, but I think approaching it more like a firing than a breakup will be better for all. Imagine hearing "You're fired. Thanks for asking, but no I won't tell you why."
posted by rhizome at 3:36 PM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
I don't think it will necessarily rub her nose in your marriage, as you can certainly explain things in a way that will keep your status and her behavior separate.
Not everybody has people around them who will tell them these things, to help them grow up (already), and say the things that need to be said. This is in no way to construe that you should reconsider your decision, but I think approaching it more like a firing than a breakup will be better for all. Imagine hearing "You're fired. Thanks for asking, but no I won't tell you why."
posted by rhizome at 3:36 PM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'd lie and say I was busy. People get the hint eventually. Here's why: it sounds like she's going to be around forever. If you make a big thing out of this now, you're going to be dealing with the awkwardness for years. So will your friends. It will never go away, and she'll never see you without mentally referencing it, and neither will you. For someone you're clearly not nuts about anyway, and for a relationship that seems like it's not going to come up all that much, it's simply not worth it.
I'm not of the belief that everything requires absolute honesty--absolute honesty is for relationships where intimacy and vulnerability are important. This doesn't sound like one of them. This sounds like a situation where efficiency and expediency are more important than honesty.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:39 PM on November 3, 2008
I'm not of the belief that everything requires absolute honesty--absolute honesty is for relationships where intimacy and vulnerability are important. This doesn't sound like one of them. This sounds like a situation where efficiency and expediency are more important than honesty.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:39 PM on November 3, 2008
Do I explain that her behavior about my wedding hurt me and made me realize she's not much of a friend?
Yes to the first part, and I would phrase the second part differently. "I felt hurt when you did X, Y, and Z, and that's why I've been avoiding your phone calls. I don't think it's in my best interest to continue this friendship. I wish you all the best."
I think if you just fade out, you will never get closure and it will still be bothering you at some level years later.
posted by desjardins at 3:43 PM on November 3, 2008
Yes to the first part, and I would phrase the second part differently. "I felt hurt when you did X, Y, and Z, and that's why I've been avoiding your phone calls. I don't think it's in my best interest to continue this friendship. I wish you all the best."
I think if you just fade out, you will never get closure and it will still be bothering you at some level years later.
posted by desjardins at 3:43 PM on November 3, 2008
I wouldn't even respond. Just let it go. But I don't believe in "closure" as an act that involves other people - you close yourself, it's something you do for yourself because you believe it is the best course for you. For you, and in fact for the other person, because prolonging the drama doesn't do anyone any good. Trying to explain or make excuses is just inviting discourse, and in a way it's kind of mean - she'll figure it out in her own time, or she won't, it's not about you.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:51 PM on November 3, 2008
posted by Lyn Never at 3:51 PM on November 3, 2008
You're looking to teach her a lesson. Ask yourself why, and you'll know if you should respond.
posted by filmgeek at 4:17 PM on November 3, 2008
posted by filmgeek at 4:17 PM on November 3, 2008
She has always attempted to be controlling - and now you can stop that. Why should you send a message to her?
She missed your wedding - missed your wedding - and then when she realized that you might not only have noticed but also might actually react to her BS, she sent a message asking if she had done something wrong? Either she's too stupid to remember that she sent this message, or she's trying to control you and make you make nice with her. Either way, what's the point in responding?
I say back off, enjoy your blissful marriage, and move her from the friends list to the "cordial acquaintance" list.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:34 PM on November 3, 2008
She missed your wedding - missed your wedding - and then when she realized that you might not only have noticed but also might actually react to her BS, she sent a message asking if she had done something wrong? Either she's too stupid to remember that she sent this message, or she's trying to control you and make you make nice with her. Either way, what's the point in responding?
I say back off, enjoy your blissful marriage, and move her from the friends list to the "cordial acquaintance" list.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:34 PM on November 3, 2008
I have three ex-friends. Each of them did things similar to what you described. I always forgave or made excuses for them and whatnot, but to no avail. In each case, I finally realized, as you did with Jen, that their friendships were not productive, fruitful, beneficial, or growing. Instead they icky encounters that made me feel bad all around. While I was tempted to engage ("You know what, So-and-so, you are a bad friend and all you do is bring negativity!"), I decided ultimately that that was not a productive approach, that in fact I would be hurtful, despite how hurtful these friends had been to me. Knowing that I was a good friend for each of these women for the duration of our relationships made me more inclined to just let it go, as is advised above. I suffered from a bit of guilt for a while, mostly because I like being a good friend and I kept thinking that there was something I could have done. But self-preservation and happiness are of utmost importance, and there is no need to have these kinds of people in your (or my) life, even peripherally on the phone a few times a year. Don't return phone calls, don't return emails.
So what happens at the engagement party? Lie low, be courteous, don't engage.
While I don't know you nor Jen, I suspect that severing this friendship (and a rather one-sided friendship, it seems) is a good decision.
And remember that people will change if and when they choose to change; it is not your responsibility to inform them of their shortcomings, no matter how large. She's a twit (and a likely unhappy twit). She might figure that out. She might not.
Good luck!
posted by cachondeo45 at 5:35 PM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
So what happens at the engagement party? Lie low, be courteous, don't engage.
While I don't know you nor Jen, I suspect that severing this friendship (and a rather one-sided friendship, it seems) is a good decision.
And remember that people will change if and when they choose to change; it is not your responsibility to inform them of their shortcomings, no matter how large. She's a twit (and a likely unhappy twit). She might figure that out. She might not.
Good luck!
posted by cachondeo45 at 5:35 PM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
I think if you just fade out, you will never get closure and it will still be bothering you at some level years later.
I have an ex-friend who's calls and emails I just decided to ignore. Worked out great for me, and it's definitely not bothering me years later. :)
posted by All.star at 6:06 PM on November 3, 2008
I have an ex-friend who's calls and emails I just decided to ignore. Worked out great for me, and it's definitely not bothering me years later. :)
posted by All.star at 6:06 PM on November 3, 2008
I also broke up with one of my best friends form high school when I was about 30 by just sort of ignoring her until she stopped trying to contact me (it was sporadic anyway). She was a terrible friend and I haven't regretted it once.
posted by fshgrl at 6:24 PM on November 3, 2008
posted by fshgrl at 6:24 PM on November 3, 2008
I've done it both ways. Let it fade unless you're cornered and absolutely forced to say something. You are too busy--too busy to put up with her BS and too busy to make explanations that will lead to more drama. It will also make things easier if you have to be polite again at your mutual friend's wedding.
posted by immlass at 7:46 PM on November 3, 2008
posted by immlass at 7:46 PM on November 3, 2008
I would say that you do have some obligation to this person on a human level to give her some feedback. After suffering her bad behavior all these years, it's actually just as passive aggressive to just stop communicating with her now. She may well have earned this kind of treatment, but doing this makes you just as bad.
People who act like this are usually just insecure people. Yes, she spent all her "friend capital" with you and you don't want to be her friend anymore. But spend a moment thinking about her position- it is often quite difficult for friends to accept that their other friends (you) have changed your life and seem to be "moving on" away from them.
So I'd offer that you should send her an email or letter or something-
People who act like this are usually just insecure people. Yes, she spent all her "friend capital" with you and you don't want to be her friend anymore. But spend a moment thinking about her position- it is often quite difficult for friends to accept that their other friends (you) have changed your life and seem to be "moving on" away from them.
So I'd offer that you should send her an email or letter or something-
Dear Jen- We've been friends for a long time, and it really hurt me that you felt disappointed that I didn't tell you about my engagement quickly enough for you. Sadly, this is a pattern in our friendship, and I just can't take it any more. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but I need to tell you that when you act like this, I really don't enjoy our friendship. Friendship should be about mutual respect, caring and sharing in each other's lives. It is unfortunate that we do not have this connection. Please take care of yourself. Signed, Friendposted by gjc at 7:15 AM on November 4, 2008 [1 favorite]
Just ignore her. Or, just tell her your busy whenever you want to do shit. Bringing up all this baggage from the past is just an invitation for more drama.
posted by chunking express at 9:11 AM on November 4, 2008
posted by chunking express at 9:11 AM on November 4, 2008
Previously.
I highly recommend the Liz Pryor book cited in the comments. I had a friend who wanted to be my everything and yet was horrifically competitive and dismissive of me. I tried letting it languish but she pushed the point, and so I sucked it up and followed Pryor's advice. It was one of the more traumatic conversations I've ever had, but now - three years later - I am completely at peace with the situation. That's not the case with other friendships where it did not have a definitive end.
posted by catlet at 9:24 AM on November 4, 2008
I highly recommend the Liz Pryor book cited in the comments. I had a friend who wanted to be my everything and yet was horrifically competitive and dismissive of me. I tried letting it languish but she pushed the point, and so I sucked it up and followed Pryor's advice. It was one of the more traumatic conversations I've ever had, but now - three years later - I am completely at peace with the situation. That's not the case with other friendships where it did not have a definitive end.
posted by catlet at 9:24 AM on November 4, 2008
I broke up with a friend silently, and I suspect that is the only way to be dignified about it. When it comes down to it, anything you might say in this situation would only make you feel worse in the long run. Just let it go. Be civil at social engagements where you see her. Be polite, and don't engage in dramatic gossip on the subject. If someone asks about the situation, you can smile and simply tell them that "Not everyone is meant to be friends." If you maintain a casual attitude about this, everyone else will.
posted by greekphilosophy at 10:31 AM on November 4, 2008
posted by greekphilosophy at 10:31 AM on November 4, 2008
I'm surprised at all the avoid/ignore responses in this thread. I don't see how this would be the 'most responsible' course of action here. Least messy, possibly so, but stonewalling certainly does not consider Jen's feelings in the matter, and denies her any voice or even the ability to say "yes, I respect your wishes. Bye friend." It assumes a shitstorm, which is a horrible lens to look at people through. This is an opportunity to say your peace, and to give your friend a last chance to salvage some dignity and respect on the way out the door. Please consider being that kind of person, even though its a bit harder.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:51 AM on November 4, 2008
posted by iamkimiam at 10:51 AM on November 4, 2008
People do stupid things. People can be mean. People can have reasons for doing what they are doing.
Equally, you could say things taht you wish you didn't say. I don't think any of the Mahatman Gandhi's on this thread could guarantee they would meet Jen with equanimity.
If I was you, I would leave it as follows: "I'm sorry I haven't been able to get back to you. I'm a little hurt that you missed the wedding. As I'm sure you can appreciate, there's a lot going on in my life right now that I need to deal with. I'd like to talk about this at a later date, when I feel more capable of being an adult about this."
You don't ever have to make that later date. Or you can. Or you can run into Jen in six or nine months and realize with some clarity that she was upset because she had just lost her job and although she said she was fine, because you were caught up with the wedding you couldn't support her in the way that she needed and she felt abandoned. Or you will look at Jen and think, "Wow, I don't know why we were ever friends," but the emotion will be drained out and you can smile and be cordial and get on with it. Or you can look at her and wonder why you ever stopped talking.
Or, you can realize that you missed her and you'll just let it all go.
So many things could happen.
Or, not.
posted by micawber at 12:01 PM on November 4, 2008
Equally, you could say things taht you wish you didn't say. I don't think any of the Mahatman Gandhi's on this thread could guarantee they would meet Jen with equanimity.
If I was you, I would leave it as follows: "I'm sorry I haven't been able to get back to you. I'm a little hurt that you missed the wedding. As I'm sure you can appreciate, there's a lot going on in my life right now that I need to deal with. I'd like to talk about this at a later date, when I feel more capable of being an adult about this."
You don't ever have to make that later date. Or you can. Or you can run into Jen in six or nine months and realize with some clarity that she was upset because she had just lost her job and although she said she was fine, because you were caught up with the wedding you couldn't support her in the way that she needed and she felt abandoned. Or you will look at Jen and think, "Wow, I don't know why we were ever friends," but the emotion will be drained out and you can smile and be cordial and get on with it. Or you can look at her and wonder why you ever stopped talking.
Or, you can realize that you missed her and you'll just let it all go.
So many things could happen.
Or, not.
posted by micawber at 12:01 PM on November 4, 2008
I do not advise the avoid/ignore path, from bitter experience.
I tried that once with someone who was also somewhat controlling and judgemental (not that I was a lily-white princess in this situation either). She'd moved hundreds of miles away, we grew apart, I was happier with less frequent contact, she was not, she nagged me and tried to get other people involved, and that made me care about her less and want to spend less time with her. After requesting and getting a break from her, I realised that I was happier and more confident without her in my life, and emailed her to say I didn't think we were suited to still be friends. Looking back a few years later, it was the right decision, but I made it way, way, WAY too late. I should never have let it drag on as long as I did hoping that she would "get the message". It wasn't fair.
Since she has contacted you and asked what's going on, she's aware that you are trying to pull away from her and she obviously isn't going to let it go without an explanation or a fight. I would email her using something very similar to micawber's suggested wording. However, I would probably amend it to not include the "talk at a later date" stage. If it's over, it's over; leaving it open-ended is just letting it drag on.
There's no easy way to do this and there will be some bitterness. You've made the decision that you don't want her in your life, and she doesn't even know about it yet. She at least deserves to know you've made that decision.
posted by andraste at 3:11 PM on November 4, 2008
I tried that once with someone who was also somewhat controlling and judgemental (not that I was a lily-white princess in this situation either). She'd moved hundreds of miles away, we grew apart, I was happier with less frequent contact, she was not, she nagged me and tried to get other people involved, and that made me care about her less and want to spend less time with her. After requesting and getting a break from her, I realised that I was happier and more confident without her in my life, and emailed her to say I didn't think we were suited to still be friends. Looking back a few years later, it was the right decision, but I made it way, way, WAY too late. I should never have let it drag on as long as I did hoping that she would "get the message". It wasn't fair.
Since she has contacted you and asked what's going on, she's aware that you are trying to pull away from her and she obviously isn't going to let it go without an explanation or a fight. I would email her using something very similar to micawber's suggested wording. However, I would probably amend it to not include the "talk at a later date" stage. If it's over, it's over; leaving it open-ended is just letting it drag on.
There's no easy way to do this and there will be some bitterness. You've made the decision that you don't want her in your life, and she doesn't even know about it yet. She at least deserves to know you've made that decision.
posted by andraste at 3:11 PM on November 4, 2008
Years ago I 'phased out' a friend and I sometimes regret my approach (though I am happy we don't speak). We saw each other on a regular basis and lived in the same city and I wonder if things would have been better if I had been more honest.
I would say treat it as a break-up. That is, explain your reasoning and your intentions but do NOT make it negotiable because then you risk her trying to 'change' for you, which you will both resent and it will drag the whole thing out.
Maybe something like:
Jen, I'm sorry for the delay in my response. I have some things to say and you may not like them. I feel hurt because of .... blah blah. I have come to the realization that this is not an isolated incident and rather, typical of our style of interaction. I don't believe that our relationship is supportive, or caring and I don't think it's healthy for either of us. I hope that in group situations, we can be cordial to each other but I see no benefits in maintaining personal contact.
Good luck. This type of thing is so uncomfortable.
posted by cranberrymonger at 3:56 PM on November 4, 2008
I would say treat it as a break-up. That is, explain your reasoning and your intentions but do NOT make it negotiable because then you risk her trying to 'change' for you, which you will both resent and it will drag the whole thing out.
Maybe something like:
Jen, I'm sorry for the delay in my response. I have some things to say and you may not like them. I feel hurt because of .... blah blah. I have come to the realization that this is not an isolated incident and rather, typical of our style of interaction. I don't believe that our relationship is supportive, or caring and I don't think it's healthy for either of us. I hope that in group situations, we can be cordial to each other but I see no benefits in maintaining personal contact.
Good luck. This type of thing is so uncomfortable.
posted by cranberrymonger at 3:56 PM on November 4, 2008
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This is the important part. Generally at this point I'd be asking whether there was anything they can do. If the answer is no, then move on to...
While it would be extremely gratifying for me personally to finally let her know that she treats her friends like crap and that's why she hasn't got any, I'm not sure that's the best course of action.
I'd suggest to skip this part. If she does, as you say, have no friends and you are newly married and happy, then rubbing her face in it isn't particularly gracious even if she's behaved badly towards you. I'd reply with a short email that you thought she behaved poorly, you don't see the two of you as friends anymore and you wish her the best. Period. Then be prepared for a certain amount of grousing (both online and off) and turn the other cheek and don't engage. It may not be as viscerally fulfilling as giving her a piece of your mind, but it sounds as though you have recovered from the nastiness from earlier and getting into it with her again would just be opening up that can of worms again. Good luck.
posted by jessamyn at 3:08 PM on November 3, 2008 [4 favorites]