Stop me from hurting myself or others
September 1, 2008 5:36 AM Subscribe
Everything is going wrong and I can't keep my mind off doing (non-terminal) harm to myself. What can I do?
Put bluntly, my life has turned to shit recently. My employer is talking about shutting down; my marriage looks like it might be terminal; two of my three remaining blood relatives have terminal illnesses; my own health is a mess (although I have no idea how badly until I get more tests) and I've been on Effexor/Venlafaxine for months; all my old friends have either been driven away or ignored and; it looks like my marriage troubles may end up with me losing one of my few means of support. All in all, it's not looking too rosy right now.
Repeatedly recently I've had the almost uncontrollable urge to hurt myself - to cause myself pain. As a teenager I used to hold hot wax in my hands to give myself some control over things. This isn't that. I find myself desperately needing to smash my head against things, or stab myself with pencils or the stylus from my pda. In the grand scheme of things, it's not major injury (certainly the idea of slicing myself open or doing anything terminal doesn't appeal) but it's not a road I can go down.
Last night I ended up punching myself in the arm hoping I could break something, and digging my fingernails into my scalp and my arm trying to draw blood.
I know that UANMD and that the ultimate answer is either to get professional help or to go live in a cave in the shetlands and spend my time making friends with the seaweed, but that doesn't really help me much now. I'm in the UK where medical help of that nature is insanely inaccessible and limited in both time and availability.
How can I distract myself from this behaviour, and how can I release some of this depression and anger without causing harm to myself or those around me?
Put bluntly, my life has turned to shit recently. My employer is talking about shutting down; my marriage looks like it might be terminal; two of my three remaining blood relatives have terminal illnesses; my own health is a mess (although I have no idea how badly until I get more tests) and I've been on Effexor/Venlafaxine for months; all my old friends have either been driven away or ignored and; it looks like my marriage troubles may end up with me losing one of my few means of support. All in all, it's not looking too rosy right now.
Repeatedly recently I've had the almost uncontrollable urge to hurt myself - to cause myself pain. As a teenager I used to hold hot wax in my hands to give myself some control over things. This isn't that. I find myself desperately needing to smash my head against things, or stab myself with pencils or the stylus from my pda. In the grand scheme of things, it's not major injury (certainly the idea of slicing myself open or doing anything terminal doesn't appeal) but it's not a road I can go down.
Last night I ended up punching myself in the arm hoping I could break something, and digging my fingernails into my scalp and my arm trying to draw blood.
I know that UANMD and that the ultimate answer is either to get professional help or to go live in a cave in the shetlands and spend my time making friends with the seaweed, but that doesn't really help me much now. I'm in the UK where medical help of that nature is insanely inaccessible and limited in both time and availability.
How can I distract myself from this behaviour, and how can I release some of this depression and anger without causing harm to myself or those around me?
Professional help would be very useful. In the meantime, you might want to consider reading "Feeling Good" by David Burns.
Best wishes as you wrestle with this....
posted by HuronBob at 5:55 AM on September 1, 2008
Best wishes as you wrestle with this....
posted by HuronBob at 5:55 AM on September 1, 2008
I'm sorry. I've been somewhere similar and it's not fun. Long term, yes, professional help is probably called for.
Short-term, a couple of thoughts, depending on your natural inclinations: If you're an active type, exercise may help you work off some of the excess anger. Running might help, or I knew someone who got a punching bag and found that beating the crap out of the bag rather than himself worked off a lot of that emotion. If you prefer something more sedentary, perhaps writing - get a notebook and just let yourself write out everything you're thinking and feeling, no matter how crappy or awful.
If there's anyone in your life you can trust with feelings like this, perhaps confide in that person and ask if they're willing to be your distractor sometimes. I had a friend who I could call if I was feeling really low, and she'd spend half an hour talking me through it and keeping me distracted, or she'd come over and we'd go for a walk or something - anything just to get your mind to focus on something else for a little while.
Good luck, and I hope you're able to find some help soon.
posted by Stacey at 5:58 AM on September 1, 2008
Short-term, a couple of thoughts, depending on your natural inclinations: If you're an active type, exercise may help you work off some of the excess anger. Running might help, or I knew someone who got a punching bag and found that beating the crap out of the bag rather than himself worked off a lot of that emotion. If you prefer something more sedentary, perhaps writing - get a notebook and just let yourself write out everything you're thinking and feeling, no matter how crappy or awful.
If there's anyone in your life you can trust with feelings like this, perhaps confide in that person and ask if they're willing to be your distractor sometimes. I had a friend who I could call if I was feeling really low, and she'd spend half an hour talking me through it and keeping me distracted, or she'd come over and we'd go for a walk or something - anything just to get your mind to focus on something else for a little while.
Good luck, and I hope you're able to find some help soon.
posted by Stacey at 5:58 AM on September 1, 2008
You've taken the first step, which is to reach out any way you can and connect with other human beings. We are here, and we care.
Others are going to chime in shortly, but just let me help in the only way I feel adequate right now: perspective.
In times past, when I've felt desperate, and alone, and hopeless, there has seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. When you're facing so much at once, it's hard to "step outside of yourself" and see that there can be eventual solutions, possibly even choices. (Choices are something I'm guessing you don't see many of right now. No matter where you turn, you're up against a wall.)
From the perspective of my present state I can look back on those times and realize that I was blinded by my hopelessness: the worst case did not play out in every circumstance, new opportunitied openned up, alternatives sometimes materialized out of nowhere, and I found that I did indeed have the inner strength to make it all work. Surprisingly, sometimes when the worst I could imagine happenned with a relationship or a job, it actually turned out to have been a blessing in the long run.
Try to maintain perspective. Try to put these things in the background at least at bedtime; lack of sleep will have a aggravating effect.
Try reaching out to at least one of those friends who you are sure are lost causes. You will find at least one, and probably more, who will be flattered that you turned to them in time of need.
I lost a friend not long ago. After he was gone, all of us who considered him a friend found ourselves hurt and angry that he hadn't confided in any of us. Any of us would have dropped everything to help him, and yet he never so much as hinted at his desperation. Perhaps he was blinded by his internal agony. Perhaps he had lost perspective.
You are not alone.
posted by dinger at 6:09 AM on September 1, 2008 [10 favorites]
Others are going to chime in shortly, but just let me help in the only way I feel adequate right now: perspective.
In times past, when I've felt desperate, and alone, and hopeless, there has seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. When you're facing so much at once, it's hard to "step outside of yourself" and see that there can be eventual solutions, possibly even choices. (Choices are something I'm guessing you don't see many of right now. No matter where you turn, you're up against a wall.)
From the perspective of my present state I can look back on those times and realize that I was blinded by my hopelessness: the worst case did not play out in every circumstance, new opportunitied openned up, alternatives sometimes materialized out of nowhere, and I found that I did indeed have the inner strength to make it all work. Surprisingly, sometimes when the worst I could imagine happenned with a relationship or a job, it actually turned out to have been a blessing in the long run.
Try to maintain perspective. Try to put these things in the background at least at bedtime; lack of sleep will have a aggravating effect.
Try reaching out to at least one of those friends who you are sure are lost causes. You will find at least one, and probably more, who will be flattered that you turned to them in time of need.
I lost a friend not long ago. After he was gone, all of us who considered him a friend found ourselves hurt and angry that he hadn't confided in any of us. Any of us would have dropped everything to help him, and yet he never so much as hinted at his desperation. Perhaps he was blinded by his internal agony. Perhaps he had lost perspective.
You are not alone.
posted by dinger at 6:09 AM on September 1, 2008 [10 favorites]
You might want to google "(self-injury,self-harm) alternatives" - there are a lot of suggestions out there for helping yourself deal with/get around the idea (here is one example page).
posted by jacalata at 6:31 AM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by jacalata at 6:31 AM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
You need to actually talk to someone about this. It sounds like you actually want help. reach out to someone who cares about you and tell them whats going on and what you should do. They know more about you than any of us. that way you will probably get better advice and it will be cathartic.
posted by phllip.phillip at 6:55 AM on September 1, 2008
posted by phllip.phillip at 6:55 AM on September 1, 2008
Try reaching out to at least one of those friends who you are sure are lost causes. You will find at least one, and probably more, who will be flattered that you turned to them in time of need.
I came to say exactly this. Try reaching out to one of those old friends you believe have been driven away. They might not be as distant as you think.
I had a good friend who went through a horrible depression a few years back. She tried her very best to push all of us away. She didn't want to "burden" us with her problems. Most of us tried for a good long while but she eventually cut all ties and we had no way to contact her. Nearly two years later she finally emailed a few of us. She was terrified that we hated her.
She told us that she had desperately wanted to ask us for help but had no idea how. She thought that too much time had gone by and that we would not be willing to help because she had made such an effort to cut us off. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Yes, my feelings were hurt in the beginning when she slipped away but all I wanted was to make sure she was alright. She could have called me at any time during those two years and I would have been glad to do whatever I could to help. The depression had brought her so low that she couldn't convince herself that she was worthy of help.
So maybe some of your friends feel the same way. Maybe if you reach out to one or two of them you might find you have more support than you realize. It's worth a shot. It might be scary or you might feel like you have to swallow your pride but it's better than hurting yourself. Don't suffer alone when there might be folks out there more willing to help than you realize.
posted by lysistrata at 6:58 AM on September 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
I came to say exactly this. Try reaching out to one of those old friends you believe have been driven away. They might not be as distant as you think.
I had a good friend who went through a horrible depression a few years back. She tried her very best to push all of us away. She didn't want to "burden" us with her problems. Most of us tried for a good long while but she eventually cut all ties and we had no way to contact her. Nearly two years later she finally emailed a few of us. She was terrified that we hated her.
She told us that she had desperately wanted to ask us for help but had no idea how. She thought that too much time had gone by and that we would not be willing to help because she had made such an effort to cut us off. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Yes, my feelings were hurt in the beginning when she slipped away but all I wanted was to make sure she was alright. She could have called me at any time during those two years and I would have been glad to do whatever I could to help. The depression had brought her so low that she couldn't convince herself that she was worthy of help.
So maybe some of your friends feel the same way. Maybe if you reach out to one or two of them you might find you have more support than you realize. It's worth a shot. It might be scary or you might feel like you have to swallow your pride but it's better than hurting yourself. Don't suffer alone when there might be folks out there more willing to help than you realize.
posted by lysistrata at 6:58 AM on September 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
Effexor might be a source of these feelings. There's some evidence that SSRI's and similar drugs can induce self-harming behaviour in some people. So you should discuss that with your GP or psychiatrist. Don't stop taking it, but if it's not helping you might want to talk about tapering off and switching to another medication.
Lots of primary care centres offer counselling services, which might be helpful. If your employer has an employee assistance scheme, they should be able to offer that kind of thing as well.
As someone who's been through a lot of serious self-harm, I'd say that distraction and bargaining are key in dealing with these kinds of feelings. Do whatever you can that will get your mind off the need to hurt yourself. Go for a run, watch a movie, etc. etc. Sometimes writing about what's caused the feeling can help, although dwelling on it can make it worse, so be careful. Try to wait the feelings out. Bargain with yourself by giving yourself permission to hurt yourself if you wait for an hour and the feelings are still as strong. Usually the initial urge will have diminished after some time has passed by. Don't get caught up in feeling ashamed about hurting yourself.
I've also found the Samaritans useful on occasion. If the feelings do suddenly get worse, remember, that, being in immediate danger of seriously hurting yourself is a medical emergency and you can find help at the A+E department of any hospital.
posted by xchmp at 7:23 AM on September 1, 2008
Lots of primary care centres offer counselling services, which might be helpful. If your employer has an employee assistance scheme, they should be able to offer that kind of thing as well.
As someone who's been through a lot of serious self-harm, I'd say that distraction and bargaining are key in dealing with these kinds of feelings. Do whatever you can that will get your mind off the need to hurt yourself. Go for a run, watch a movie, etc. etc. Sometimes writing about what's caused the feeling can help, although dwelling on it can make it worse, so be careful. Try to wait the feelings out. Bargain with yourself by giving yourself permission to hurt yourself if you wait for an hour and the feelings are still as strong. Usually the initial urge will have diminished after some time has passed by. Don't get caught up in feeling ashamed about hurting yourself.
I've also found the Samaritans useful on occasion. If the feelings do suddenly get worse, remember, that, being in immediate danger of seriously hurting yourself is a medical emergency and you can find help at the A+E department of any hospital.
posted by xchmp at 7:23 AM on September 1, 2008
Let me start by saying this: self-harm is a coping mechanism. You've done it before, so you know pain relieves you of the anguish you're feeling, if only for a relatively short time. People rarely understand that self-harm is often more akin to drug use than it is to suicide; it's a form of self-medication. You're not going crazy. You're just in over your head.
I second the exercise suggestion; it's probably the only other thing that has the same impact on your body. Though you say your health isn't great, so that might be even harder than we imagine. I know "go see your doctor" isn't the answer you want to hear, but you might consider talking to your doctor about severe anxiety rather than saying "I need my head shrunk, I want to hurt myself." There are medications they can give you to help relieve you of the anxiety that you're feeling, to at least help you get through this rough patch.
posted by Hildegarde at 7:32 AM on September 1, 2008
I second the exercise suggestion; it's probably the only other thing that has the same impact on your body. Though you say your health isn't great, so that might be even harder than we imagine. I know "go see your doctor" isn't the answer you want to hear, but you might consider talking to your doctor about severe anxiety rather than saying "I need my head shrunk, I want to hurt myself." There are medications they can give you to help relieve you of the anxiety that you're feeling, to at least help you get through this rough patch.
posted by Hildegarde at 7:32 AM on September 1, 2008
I admire you for reaching out: if it were me, I would have moved into that cave a long time ago. :-)
Have you talked with your GP lately about depression / self-harm? I moved from the UK to the US recently, so I sympathize about how hard it is to get specalized help through NHS. Still, it is really worth bringing up; the GP might be able to direct you to a support group IRL.
posted by woodway at 7:33 AM on September 1, 2008
Have you talked with your GP lately about depression / self-harm? I moved from the UK to the US recently, so I sympathize about how hard it is to get specalized help through NHS. Still, it is really worth bringing up; the GP might be able to direct you to a support group IRL.
posted by woodway at 7:33 AM on September 1, 2008
As I understand it, being at risk of injuring yourself is something that gets you bumped up on the queue with the mental-health providers. Call the clinic or hospital or practice where you get help and tell them what you told us.
Call someone now. Tell them what is going on. Care providers respond VERY differently to "I can't stop thinking about injuring myself" than they do to "I'm feeling depressed."
Good luck. Get help. There is help for you.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:59 AM on September 1, 2008
Call someone now. Tell them what is going on. Care providers respond VERY differently to "I can't stop thinking about injuring myself" than they do to "I'm feeling depressed."
Good luck. Get help. There is help for you.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:59 AM on September 1, 2008
Self-harm UK. I have no experience with that site. Good luck.
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:54 AM on September 1, 2008
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:54 AM on September 1, 2008
I'm so sorry that you're hurting so badly.
I wanted to agree with everyone here - and also suggest that if everything feels like too much, it can feel overwhelming to even imagine reaching out to your doctor. Every step can feel like a trying to cross a mountain - like it takes too much energy - energy you don't have (and you might think that it might not work, because you don't know *how* they can help you, because if you did, you would have done it already.)
But try- do what Sidhedevil says and tell your provider that you can't stop thinking about harming yourself. Don't worry about all the steps after that and how you'll manage them. Just take that one first step - well, second really, since you've already taken the wonderful first step of telling somebody.
Sending bucketfuls of good thoughts your way today, across the world, all the way from San Francisco.
posted by anitanita at 11:19 AM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
I wanted to agree with everyone here - and also suggest that if everything feels like too much, it can feel overwhelming to even imagine reaching out to your doctor. Every step can feel like a trying to cross a mountain - like it takes too much energy - energy you don't have (and you might think that it might not work, because you don't know *how* they can help you, because if you did, you would have done it already.)
But try- do what Sidhedevil says and tell your provider that you can't stop thinking about harming yourself. Don't worry about all the steps after that and how you'll manage them. Just take that one first step - well, second really, since you've already taken the wonderful first step of telling somebody.
Sending bucketfuls of good thoughts your way today, across the world, all the way from San Francisco.
posted by anitanita at 11:19 AM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
This is going to sound trite, but you really do have an opportunity here to reinvent yourself. Many people would give a lot to be able to change everything about their life at once.
I know things seem hard just now: I have been in a similar situation (unexpected divorce, job going down the pan, zero self-confidence). I also thought about self-harm, although I see now that this was mainly a consequence of very little self-esteem. I also alienated my few friends, because I felt worthless.
Because I needed a new job, I took the opportunity to change what I did for a living - retrained in a new field and then got a Masters degree, to appear more qualified. Yes, I pushed up my loans, but this opened up a whole new set of possibilities. I moved to a new area and used the opportunity to do lots of things that the "old me" would not have done. I started my own business and traveled to places I never would have dared visit before. I attended classical music recitals, the opera, and ballet. I made new friends and explored new interests. From seeing myself as someone who was pretty boring and uninteresting, I now see myself as someone who is smarter than average and very good at what I do, with a wide range of interests.
I'm not saying that you have to reinvent yourself, to get over this. But this is an opportunity to do things differently. You can see the glass as half full instead of gradually emptying. Work on some plans for your future. Start with an inventory of your skills and interests. Think what you can learn about, to do something different. Read 'What Color Is Your Parachute'. Draw up some plans for how you could live, if you started over. Dare to dream!
posted by sgmax at 2:47 PM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
I know things seem hard just now: I have been in a similar situation (unexpected divorce, job going down the pan, zero self-confidence). I also thought about self-harm, although I see now that this was mainly a consequence of very little self-esteem. I also alienated my few friends, because I felt worthless.
Because I needed a new job, I took the opportunity to change what I did for a living - retrained in a new field and then got a Masters degree, to appear more qualified. Yes, I pushed up my loans, but this opened up a whole new set of possibilities. I moved to a new area and used the opportunity to do lots of things that the "old me" would not have done. I started my own business and traveled to places I never would have dared visit before. I attended classical music recitals, the opera, and ballet. I made new friends and explored new interests. From seeing myself as someone who was pretty boring and uninteresting, I now see myself as someone who is smarter than average and very good at what I do, with a wide range of interests.
I'm not saying that you have to reinvent yourself, to get over this. But this is an opportunity to do things differently. You can see the glass as half full instead of gradually emptying. Work on some plans for your future. Start with an inventory of your skills and interests. Think what you can learn about, to do something different. Read 'What Color Is Your Parachute'. Draw up some plans for how you could live, if you started over. Dare to dream!
posted by sgmax at 2:47 PM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
We've told you you're not alone morally. Don't be alone physically either. Be in public or semi-public places when you can, for a while. Use the social norms to damp your urges.
Maybe meditate some. Concentrating on breathing is very calming. Setting aside fifteen minutes to just recall glad memories helps re-orient your evaluation of things. And just being somewhere different can shift your viewpoint. Give you a time-out from the thought patterns you've been in.
But yeah, like I said before. Don't be alone too much. You can get through this.
posted by eritain at 4:04 PM on September 1, 2008
Maybe meditate some. Concentrating on breathing is very calming. Setting aside fifteen minutes to just recall glad memories helps re-orient your evaluation of things. And just being somewhere different can shift your viewpoint. Give you a time-out from the thought patterns you've been in.
But yeah, like I said before. Don't be alone too much. You can get through this.
posted by eritain at 4:04 PM on September 1, 2008
My boyfriend was on Effexor for months and was kind of a wreck during that time. He thought about harming himself all the time while he was on it, but not in a suicidal way. He was switched to an SSRI (Effexor is an SNRI, not an SSRI), Lexapro, and was doing much better once he got over the withdrawal-like symptoms he had going off of the Effexor.
I'm not saying that's the best route for you, but I would see whoever does your medication management and let them know you are having this problem. They kept raising my boyfriend's Effexor dose to try to fix things at first, but once it kept getting worse, he was switched.
posted by fructose at 6:30 PM on September 1, 2008
I'm not saying that's the best route for you, but I would see whoever does your medication management and let them know you are having this problem. They kept raising my boyfriend's Effexor dose to try to fix things at first, but once it kept getting worse, he was switched.
posted by fructose at 6:30 PM on September 1, 2008
"If you prefer something more sedentary, perhaps writing - get a notebook and just let yourself write out everything you're thinking and feeling, no matter how crappy or awful."
Be CAREFUL with this. I discovered, eventually, that free-form journaling only makes my bad feelings worse.
I heartily endorse whatever exercise you can safely get. If there's something you can do to exhaustion, do that. (I've burned out a lot of lousy emotional states on very long bike rides.) If nothing else, get up and walk around the block a few times as a distraction.
David Burns' Feeling Good book is excellent, I'm also having good experiences right now with The Mindful Way Through Depression. The Feeling Good book has some excellent written exercises as an alternative to free-form journaling.
posted by epersonae at 10:09 AM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite]
Be CAREFUL with this. I discovered, eventually, that free-form journaling only makes my bad feelings worse.
I heartily endorse whatever exercise you can safely get. If there's something you can do to exhaustion, do that. (I've burned out a lot of lousy emotional states on very long bike rides.) If nothing else, get up and walk around the block a few times as a distraction.
David Burns' Feeling Good book is excellent, I'm also having good experiences right now with The Mindful Way Through Depression. The Feeling Good book has some excellent written exercises as an alternative to free-form journaling.
posted by epersonae at 10:09 AM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bleucube at 5:53 AM on September 1, 2008