Horrible hatable roommate trouble!
August 31, 2008 7:24 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend would like me to move into his place when school starts (tomorrow). He has two roommates already, and one of them hates me. A few days ago my boyfriend mentioned my moving in and helping with rent to said hateable roommate, and said hateable roommate was uncooperative to say the least. What now?
Lets call my boyfriend B, the hateable roommate H, and the other one O.
Last year we were all sort of friends, though I was the most recent addition to their group. Then I started dating B, and H started hating me. We think it started out as a combination of jealousy from liking me and jealousy of the time I was spending with B, but that now it's pretty much all the second brand.
I would like to move into B's room and pay, and save everypone a bundle of money each month in rent. I don't want to move all of my crap everywhere, I don't want to dictate house rules, I just want to hang out and have fun and steal them food from the Dining Commons at school.
O never had a problem with me, or B and I dating, or me moving in.
Our options seem to be:
Move about half of my stuff into B's room, try it for a week.
Assuming H can grow up and deal, and I can live there and either help them pay rent or just keep my dorm room in case and never use it.
I would rather help pay, especially because B is running into a little familial money problems and I'd like to lower his payments (I'm absolutely fine, money-wise. I made a ton this summer and my dad will help me. Paying rent in no way puts me at a detriment.)
Or, B and I can break the lease, pay the 100$ fee and find a replacement, and move somewhere together, just us. Pros: I would love living with him. We're completely in love and all that, and living together now feel more like The Start of our just living together always.
Cons: It would be a hassle and expensive, and I sort of feel like Yoko breaking up the group. I just want everything to stay nice and friendly! I was planning on force-fixing things with H and jsut making it work.
So, whats the hive mind's opinion here? Advice? B and I are not okay living apart this year. We spent most of last semester in my double-single dorm and although we planned to see eachother perhaps once or twice a week this summer, we've spent more time together than apart.
Lets call my boyfriend B, the hateable roommate H, and the other one O.
Last year we were all sort of friends, though I was the most recent addition to their group. Then I started dating B, and H started hating me. We think it started out as a combination of jealousy from liking me and jealousy of the time I was spending with B, but that now it's pretty much all the second brand.
I would like to move into B's room and pay, and save everypone a bundle of money each month in rent. I don't want to move all of my crap everywhere, I don't want to dictate house rules, I just want to hang out and have fun and steal them food from the Dining Commons at school.
O never had a problem with me, or B and I dating, or me moving in.
Our options seem to be:
Move about half of my stuff into B's room, try it for a week.
Assuming H can grow up and deal, and I can live there and either help them pay rent or just keep my dorm room in case and never use it.
I would rather help pay, especially because B is running into a little familial money problems and I'd like to lower his payments (I'm absolutely fine, money-wise. I made a ton this summer and my dad will help me. Paying rent in no way puts me at a detriment.)
Or, B and I can break the lease, pay the 100$ fee and find a replacement, and move somewhere together, just us. Pros: I would love living with him. We're completely in love and all that, and living together now feel more like The Start of our just living together always.
Cons: It would be a hassle and expensive, and I sort of feel like Yoko breaking up the group. I just want everything to stay nice and friendly! I was planning on force-fixing things with H and jsut making it work.
So, whats the hive mind's opinion here? Advice? B and I are not okay living apart this year. We spent most of last semester in my double-single dorm and although we planned to see eachother perhaps once or twice a week this summer, we've spent more time together than apart.
Talk to H today, say you don't want to be Yoko, and ask him what would make it work.
If he refuses to discuss the issue, don't move in.
posted by Pants! at 7:51 AM on August 31, 2008
If he refuses to discuss the issue, don't move in.
posted by Pants! at 7:51 AM on August 31, 2008
Generally, in a household of three housemates, if one housemate wants to move his girlfriend into his room and therefore add an extra tenant, he has to first seek the consent of the other two housemates. Whether this is contractually required or merely good form depends on the lease. In some situations it may also be necessary to seek permission from the landlord.
If even one housemate is unhappy with adding an additional tenant, then the housemate with the girlfriend is sadly out of luck. It must be a group decision. Adding a fourth tenant can put a big strain on a household's resources and goodwill.
What I'm trying to say is: I think you've put the cart before the horse a little. It sounds from the wording of your post that your boyfriend wants you to move in tomorrow, but he only mentioned it to his housemates a few days ago. Did he pose it as a question, or state it as a fact?
Unfortunately, this decision is not just up to you and your boyfriend. You must seek consent from his housemates, and if H doesn't grant his consent, you can't move in. It doesn't matter if you think he's "hateable" or that he should "grow up and deal". It's his home, and he gets to decide if you live in it. His vote is worth one in three, and your vote is worth nothing, because only tenants get to vote.
If, as you say, you're not happy living apart from your boyfriend this year, the best option is to move out and get your own place together, as you suggest. Or take on a lease in a big new place and advertise for roomies.
posted by hot soup girl at 7:55 AM on August 31, 2008 [17 favorites]
If even one housemate is unhappy with adding an additional tenant, then the housemate with the girlfriend is sadly out of luck. It must be a group decision. Adding a fourth tenant can put a big strain on a household's resources and goodwill.
What I'm trying to say is: I think you've put the cart before the horse a little. It sounds from the wording of your post that your boyfriend wants you to move in tomorrow, but he only mentioned it to his housemates a few days ago. Did he pose it as a question, or state it as a fact?
Unfortunately, this decision is not just up to you and your boyfriend. You must seek consent from his housemates, and if H doesn't grant his consent, you can't move in. It doesn't matter if you think he's "hateable" or that he should "grow up and deal". It's his home, and he gets to decide if you live in it. His vote is worth one in three, and your vote is worth nothing, because only tenants get to vote.
If, as you say, you're not happy living apart from your boyfriend this year, the best option is to move out and get your own place together, as you suggest. Or take on a lease in a big new place and advertise for roomies.
posted by hot soup girl at 7:55 AM on August 31, 2008 [17 favorites]
Yeah, as scary as it sounds, you need to have a sitdown with H and work out a compromise. Like Solomon said, you'd know best whether to have your boyfriend there or not. If he still wont budge, you don't really have authority to move in as it really is a matter of consensus.
posted by saxamo at 8:05 AM on August 31, 2008
posted by saxamo at 8:05 AM on August 31, 2008
So if I'm reading this correctly, H has only had a few days' notice that you plan to move in with B tomorrow? That would cause a lot of people to become "uncooperative," regardless of their previous opinion of you. Having an additional roommate move in changes the dynamics of the living situation no matter who it is, and you really need to give everyone involved plenty of time to think about and get used to the idea. Even then, they might still say no. You may not want to set the house rules or leave stuff in the common areas, but if you move in it's not going to be a simple case of "nothing changes except everyone's rent goes down." How many bathrooms are there? How much time are you and B going to be spending hanging out in the common areas? Are you going to be cooking when you're not stealing food from the dining commons? Are you going to start inviting your friends over? hot soup girl is right - everyone in the house has to consent before you can even think about moving in.
I notice you haven't included "live apart for a couple more months and then move in if H reconsiders" as an option, either. If this living situation is going to work at all, you're going to need to be able to compromise. While I don't mean this as an attack, honestly I don't see much in what you wrote that indicates that you're willing to do so. Maybe you're so excited about the idea of moving in with B that you can't really see how anything could be a problem. Unfortunately, there are always problems, and you need to be prepared for that.
Even if H does relent (and especially if you just move in hoping he'll "grow up and deal" - bad idea, that), you're not going to be able to "force-fix" things. There's no such thing. It'll just make him angrier and more resentful, and things will get even worse. If you really want to fix things with H, you need to work on doing so before you move in.
Relationships are about compromise and patience, and my best advice to you is to remember that. If I were you, I would stay in the dorms for another quarter/semester and try to work on building a better relationship with H. Then, depending on how things go, you can move in with H's and O's blessing or find another place to live with B. If you're really not willing to wait, then go ahead and have B break his lease, but be prepared for H (and potentially O) to be displeased with this course of action as well.
Good luck.
posted by I Said, I've Got A Big Stick at 8:13 AM on August 31, 2008 [4 favorites]
I notice you haven't included "live apart for a couple more months and then move in if H reconsiders" as an option, either. If this living situation is going to work at all, you're going to need to be able to compromise. While I don't mean this as an attack, honestly I don't see much in what you wrote that indicates that you're willing to do so. Maybe you're so excited about the idea of moving in with B that you can't really see how anything could be a problem. Unfortunately, there are always problems, and you need to be prepared for that.
Even if H does relent (and especially if you just move in hoping he'll "grow up and deal" - bad idea, that), you're not going to be able to "force-fix" things. There's no such thing. It'll just make him angrier and more resentful, and things will get even worse. If you really want to fix things with H, you need to work on doing so before you move in.
Relationships are about compromise and patience, and my best advice to you is to remember that. If I were you, I would stay in the dorms for another quarter/semester and try to work on building a better relationship with H. Then, depending on how things go, you can move in with H's and O's blessing or find another place to live with B. If you're really not willing to wait, then go ahead and have B break his lease, but be prepared for H (and potentially O) to be displeased with this course of action as well.
Good luck.
posted by I Said, I've Got A Big Stick at 8:13 AM on August 31, 2008 [4 favorites]
Living with someone who hates you is a horrible, stressful thing, and will eventually affect your mental state. Dreading being at home because of the tension is not good for your studies or your social life. College students aren't mature enough to hide their feelings, and in some cases, won't be mature enough to not deliberately annoy/torment you as they become more and more resentful of your presence.
Highly suggest that you find another living arrangement.
posted by chuke at 8:18 AM on August 31, 2008 [4 favorites]
Highly suggest that you find another living arrangement.
posted by chuke at 8:18 AM on August 31, 2008 [4 favorites]
If I had a roommate whose SO I didn't like (fairly or not), and that roommate came to me and said "Hey, would it be cool if my SO, who you hate, moves in next week? She'll pay rent, so it's no problem, right? Thanks!" I'd be seriously upset. As others have mentioned, it's not just a cash issue, where cheaper rent = happiness for all. This is where H lives, where he should be most comfortable and able to relax. Your presence doesn't seem like it would allow him to relax, so whether or not it's fair for him to dislike you, it's entirely legitimate for him to object to your moving in.
I think the best option would be for you and your boyfriend to get your own place and pay according to Suze Orman's advice for cohabiting: you each pay rent in proportion to what you earn (or have saved). Maybe you pay 70% of the rent and he pays 30%--or whatever makes sense for both of you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:20 AM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
I think the best option would be for you and your boyfriend to get your own place and pay according to Suze Orman's advice for cohabiting: you each pay rent in proportion to what you earn (or have saved). Maybe you pay 70% of the rent and he pays 30%--or whatever makes sense for both of you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:20 AM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
Don't do it. You and your boyfriend are being terrifically insensitive to his roommate's desires. I've turned down offers to join living situations with couples--many people just don't want that, because it skews the power dynamic in a household, and because then you have to live with all of the baggage that a couple brings. These are completely valid reasons to choose to live elsewhere. You guys are completely imposing this on his roommate after a living situation has already been established. And all of this is completely separate from issues about whether or not he likes you--which are actually pretty valid. He shouldn't have to live with someone he doesn't get along with.
The "grow up and deal" part of it is pretty immature, on your part.
Assuming H can grow up and deal, and I can live there and either help them pay rent or just keep my dorm room in case and never use it.
So you might live there and not pay rent? And have your daddy pay for a dorm room too? You're really not approaching this situation like an adult.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:27 AM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
The "grow up and deal" part of it is pretty immature, on your part.
Assuming H can grow up and deal, and I can live there and either help them pay rent or just keep my dorm room in case and never use it.
So you might live there and not pay rent? And have your daddy pay for a dorm room too? You're really not approaching this situation like an adult.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:27 AM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
Well, I know you're excited about in with your man but your question comes off as pretty short-sighted and immature. Living with a couple can be difficult at the best of times and it's unfair to expect boyfriend's roommate to be as thrilled at the prospect as you are. Also, the title of the ask sounds really bratty, if this is how you act around the roommate I can see how he'd be reluctant to have you there as a permanant fixture. Be considerate, see it from his perspective, there's little win for him in this situation. If you guys want to be together go get a room of your own.
posted by freya_lamb at 8:30 AM on August 31, 2008
posted by freya_lamb at 8:30 AM on August 31, 2008
We think it started out as a combination of jealousy from liking me and jealousy of the time I was spending with B
This is reason alone not to move in. It'll drive H crazy and you and your boyfriend with him. Don't be that girl.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:32 AM on August 31, 2008
This is reason alone not to move in. It'll drive H crazy and you and your boyfriend with him. Don't be that girl.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:32 AM on August 31, 2008
B and I are not okay living apart this year.
If you are determined to live together, I really (really, really!) think you need to find a better way to do it.
Under the best circumstances, with the most accommodating roommates, living together as couple with others is extremely difficult, and can strain the relationship of the couple. Relationships in general are difficult under the best of circumstances. Why add all the extra drama and hassle right now? Getting through school while maintaining a relationship is already tough, without add anything extra.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 8:39 AM on August 31, 2008
If you are determined to live together, I really (really, really!) think you need to find a better way to do it.
Under the best circumstances, with the most accommodating roommates, living together as couple with others is extremely difficult, and can strain the relationship of the couple. Relationships in general are difficult under the best of circumstances. Why add all the extra drama and hassle right now? Getting through school while maintaining a relationship is already tough, without add anything extra.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 8:39 AM on August 31, 2008
B and I can break the lease, pay the 100$ fee and find a replacement, and move somewhere together, just us
So option one is to have a roommate you hate, pay rent there, and pay for a dorm room too. Option two is to pay a $100 fee and help B move.
Cons: It would be a hassle and expensive, and I sort of feel like Yoko breaking up the group.
Expensive? You talk about keeping your dorm room and not living there while you pay rent on another place, and you think $100 is expensive? Where are you that you get a free dorm room, I´d like to know so I can apply there. Hassle? Not much compared to living with someone who doesn´t like you, and you have to move anyway. It sounds like you have already broken up their group by hanging out with B so much, but you know something? Guys who hang out all the time in college eventually stop hanging out all the time. Well, mostly. They probably don´t aspire to be one of the exceptions to that.
Pay the extra $100 and put in the time now on moving, or you will spend a lot of time in conflict with H later, and wish that you hadn´t moved in. Roommates aren´t like the person in the next dorm room, you really need to get along, and if you don´t get along moving in isn´t a good fix for that.
posted by yohko at 8:40 AM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
So option one is to have a roommate you hate, pay rent there, and pay for a dorm room too. Option two is to pay a $100 fee and help B move.
Cons: It would be a hassle and expensive, and I sort of feel like Yoko breaking up the group.
Expensive? You talk about keeping your dorm room and not living there while you pay rent on another place, and you think $100 is expensive? Where are you that you get a free dorm room, I´d like to know so I can apply there. Hassle? Not much compared to living with someone who doesn´t like you, and you have to move anyway. It sounds like you have already broken up their group by hanging out with B so much, but you know something? Guys who hang out all the time in college eventually stop hanging out all the time. Well, mostly. They probably don´t aspire to be one of the exceptions to that.
Pay the extra $100 and put in the time now on moving, or you will spend a lot of time in conflict with H later, and wish that you hadn´t moved in. Roommates aren´t like the person in the next dorm room, you really need to get along, and if you don´t get along moving in isn´t a good fix for that.
posted by yohko at 8:40 AM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
let me see if I get this straight: the only drawback to not moving in and dealing with the potential drama is $100? I realize you are not rich, as you talked about swiping from the Dining Commons, but that's a pretty low drawback to a much more preferable option.
I'd suggest breaking the lease hands down. find yourself a little private place to live together and enjoy being in love.
posted by krautland at 8:42 AM on August 31, 2008
I'd suggest breaking the lease hands down. find yourself a little private place to live together and enjoy being in love.
posted by krautland at 8:42 AM on August 31, 2008
"Lets call my boyfriend B, the hateable roommate H, and the other one O."
You shouldn't move in unless you've got at least neutral consent from both H and O. Besides the unbalancing effect of having a couple in your room mate dynamic (one of the things that makes roommates bareable is the hope that they'll spend 50% of their time at their SO's place) if H and O are male you've got the big change of having 3 guys going to 3 guys and a girl. Many people prefer/insist on not having cross sex roommates.
posted by Mitheral at 8:43 AM on August 31, 2008
You shouldn't move in unless you've got at least neutral consent from both H and O. Besides the unbalancing effect of having a couple in your room mate dynamic (one of the things that makes roommates bareable is the hope that they'll spend 50% of their time at their SO's place) if H and O are male you've got the big change of having 3 guys going to 3 guys and a girl. Many people prefer/insist on not having cross sex roommates.
posted by Mitheral at 8:43 AM on August 31, 2008
You moving in will only make H more resentful. Get your own place with your boyfriend- it's the only solution that keeps everyone happy.
posted by emd3737 at 8:51 AM on August 31, 2008
posted by emd3737 at 8:51 AM on August 31, 2008
A couple of clarifications to my comment above:
1. I said that H's vote is worth one in three, but to be clear, it's not a "majority rules" situation; for you to move in, the agreement among the three housemates must be unanimous.
2. As Meg-Murry said, the fact that your moving in will lower the rent per tenant is only one of the many effects you will have on the household. Your boyfriend's housemates will decide for themselves whether they are happy to accept added strain on communal space and resources, limited bathroom and kitchen time, added noise, more complex social dynamics, the unique issues of living with a couple, etc. in exchange for a little less rent. The evaluation is theirs to make.
3. You mention that an alternative to moving in as a legitimate rent-paying tenant would be to "just keep my dorm room in case and never use it." Assuming this means "while spending all my time at my boyfriend's place", this is a pretty terrible idea, and inevitably create all sorts of ill-will. In most share-houses there is a rule - usually unspoken but real nonetheless - that significant others mustn't spend every night of the week at the shared house. Or even more than half.
posted by hot soup girl at 8:54 AM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
1. I said that H's vote is worth one in three, but to be clear, it's not a "majority rules" situation; for you to move in, the agreement among the three housemates must be unanimous.
2. As Meg-Murry said, the fact that your moving in will lower the rent per tenant is only one of the many effects you will have on the household. Your boyfriend's housemates will decide for themselves whether they are happy to accept added strain on communal space and resources, limited bathroom and kitchen time, added noise, more complex social dynamics, the unique issues of living with a couple, etc. in exchange for a little less rent. The evaluation is theirs to make.
3. You mention that an alternative to moving in as a legitimate rent-paying tenant would be to "just keep my dorm room in case and never use it." Assuming this means "while spending all my time at my boyfriend's place", this is a pretty terrible idea, and inevitably create all sorts of ill-will. In most share-houses there is a rule - usually unspoken but real nonetheless - that significant others mustn't spend every night of the week at the shared house. Or even more than half.
posted by hot soup girl at 8:54 AM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
Jesus, no. It's a set up for drama that will put considerable strain on your relationship.
Living with a boyfriend is adult decision, and even if you're an adult, you're not really in an adult environment if you're in college. Starting to live with a partner is never easy. Sure it's wonderful and convenient, but there is always a lot of adjustment and compromise. Roommates are easier because you can put distance between each other when they get on your nerves. You'll be waking up with this guy, and he'll be the last thing you see when you go to sleep at night.
To be blunt, I had too many people move in with me when I was in college because they'd broken up with or fought with their partners during finals. Think ahead to what wouldl happen is this doesn't work out. Will you have options? A place to go?
If you do love this guy, wait until there's a good living situation to move in with him.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 8:55 AM on August 31, 2008
Living with a boyfriend is adult decision, and even if you're an adult, you're not really in an adult environment if you're in college. Starting to live with a partner is never easy. Sure it's wonderful and convenient, but there is always a lot of adjustment and compromise. Roommates are easier because you can put distance between each other when they get on your nerves. You'll be waking up with this guy, and he'll be the last thing you see when you go to sleep at night.
To be blunt, I had too many people move in with me when I was in college because they'd broken up with or fought with their partners during finals. Think ahead to what wouldl happen is this doesn't work out. Will you have options? A place to go?
If you do love this guy, wait until there's a good living situation to move in with him.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 8:55 AM on August 31, 2008
Seconding everyone else: it's H's call, shitty as you may find it. Levering your way in with bargaining and pressure is just going to lead to a resentful living arrangement, which sucks for everyone. I wouldn't even bother trying to persuade H, because even if he agrees, it'll be under duress -- just move out and live with your boyfriend. It'll make you so much happier!
posted by Drexen at 9:01 AM on August 31, 2008
posted by Drexen at 9:01 AM on August 31, 2008
Last year we were all sort of friends, though I was the most recent addition to their group. Then I started dating B, and H started hating me. We think it started out as a combination of jealousy from liking me and jealousy of the time I was spending with B, but that now it's pretty much all the second brand.
Three things:
This roommate is not "hateable." That implies a certain global unlikeability, something innate to his whole character. And I don't think that is the case here. He's not globally hateable; you hate him. There is a difference. From my standpoint, I see a guy standing up for himself and saying that a certain living situation is not something he can do. That frustrates you. While I can understand your frustration, I admire the guy for speaking his mind and not giving in.
It's not always about money. As noted above, psychological comfort matters as well.
How would you feel if you were in the "hateable" roommate's position? Think about it.
In short: don't move in. It would be a disaster.
posted by jason's_planet at 9:34 AM on August 31, 2008
Three things:
This roommate is not "hateable." That implies a certain global unlikeability, something innate to his whole character. And I don't think that is the case here. He's not globally hateable; you hate him. There is a difference. From my standpoint, I see a guy standing up for himself and saying that a certain living situation is not something he can do. That frustrates you. While I can understand your frustration, I admire the guy for speaking his mind and not giving in.
It's not always about money. As noted above, psychological comfort matters as well.
How would you feel if you were in the "hateable" roommate's position? Think about it.
In short: don't move in. It would be a disaster.
posted by jason's_planet at 9:34 AM on August 31, 2008
Do not move into that apartment even if H mouths consent. If 6 months from now, the relationship has done a 180, revisit it, but don't move in now. If the boyfriend pressures you, tell his ass to move to another apartment (or wait for H to move out) if he wants you to live with him to keep costs down.
posted by history is a weapon at 9:36 AM on August 31, 2008
posted by history is a weapon at 9:36 AM on August 31, 2008
I know these are not the answers you want, but listen to the majority here. If you force your way into this household, there's a good chance all hell will break loose. H is unlikely to be that easily cowed and that will be a shitty, tense situation. If it rocks on long enough, the third roommate will likely become disgruntled from the situation and be unhappy as well. Yoko, if you're gonna break up the group - take John away to live with him, don't force yourself in the middle.
posted by CwgrlUp at 9:37 AM on August 31, 2008
posted by CwgrlUp at 9:37 AM on August 31, 2008
H doesn't seem like the only immature one in this situation, what with you trying to insert yourself into a household in which someone doesn't like you, and giving only a few days notice of it at that. why would you want to live with someone who doesn't like you? do you even know how much that sucks? and yes, whether or not you want to bring all your stuff in or dictate the house rules, the dynamic of the house will change—and in light of the case here, probably not for the better. i agree with everyone else who says not to do it and the smartest thing would be to get your own place with your bf. no amount of reduction in money will make it worth not feeling comfortable in one's own home and the roommate who officially lives there should be allowed to be comfortable in his own home. trying to impose your will in a household in which you have no say just because it suits you is both pretty selfish and just as immature as you are claiming H to be.
Assuming H can grow up and deal, and I can live there and either help them pay rent or just keep my dorm room in case and never use it.
don't do that. don't be the significant other that spends every night in a house/apartment in which s/he does not officially live. that sucks for the other roommates who actually live there, especially, for the one who already does not like you. again, it's his home and he should be allowed to feel comfortable in it, without you imposing yourself on him every day/night—a situation he did not sign up for when the living arrangements were made. that's just common courtesy—and would be a mature thing to do on your part.
posted by violetk at 9:38 AM on August 31, 2008
Assuming H can grow up and deal, and I can live there and either help them pay rent or just keep my dorm room in case and never use it.
don't do that. don't be the significant other that spends every night in a house/apartment in which s/he does not officially live. that sucks for the other roommates who actually live there, especially, for the one who already does not like you. again, it's his home and he should be allowed to feel comfortable in it, without you imposing yourself on him every day/night—a situation he did not sign up for when the living arrangements were made. that's just common courtesy—and would be a mature thing to do on your part.
posted by violetk at 9:38 AM on August 31, 2008
Colllege etiquette is that once you have been with someone long enough for a residence change, and you want to live with them, you have to shack up with them ALONE. Most people that don't already hate your guts will not be cool with shacking up with a couple. And this is already gonna be nothing but disaster.
Either have B sleep in your dorm a lot, or just get a place together. This will be nothing but hell.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:05 AM on August 31, 2008
Either have B sleep in your dorm a lot, or just get a place together. This will be nothing but hell.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:05 AM on August 31, 2008
Keep your dorm room. If you and boyfriend wanna see each other, have him come to your dorm or go to his apartment.
Living together should be a fun special time. Jumping into a drama filled situation in which YOU are changing their original living arrangement is not going to be fun or special. Also, seriously, have you ever lived with guys? Much less 3 guys? It has the potential to be gross.
posted by k8t at 10:11 AM on August 31, 2008
Living together should be a fun special time. Jumping into a drama filled situation in which YOU are changing their original living arrangement is not going to be fun or special. Also, seriously, have you ever lived with guys? Much less 3 guys? It has the potential to be gross.
posted by k8t at 10:11 AM on August 31, 2008
H doesn't seem like the only immature one in this situation, what with you trying to insert yourself into a household in which someone doesn't like you, and giving only a few days notice of it at that. why would you want to live with someone who doesn't like you?
I agree with violetk. Why are you even considering this? H was there before you, it's his home, and he doesn't like you. People's home is their refuge. You shouldn't be planning to move into the home of someone who doesn't like you. Find another place to live!
posted by jayder at 10:28 AM on August 31, 2008
I agree with violetk. Why are you even considering this? H was there before you, it's his home, and he doesn't like you. People's home is their refuge. You shouldn't be planning to move into the home of someone who doesn't like you. Find another place to live!
posted by jayder at 10:28 AM on August 31, 2008
I just want to hang out and have fun and steal them food from the Dining Commons at school.
You don't really think this is how this works do you?
How many bathrooms are there in this apartment? Who gets first dibs on the shower? Who cleans those bathrooms? How much common area it there? What times do people sleep or study or just need some quiet? Who cooks and does dishes?
A living situation with 3 people is hugely different from one with 4. To assume that you're financial contribution makes up for your disturbance is silly. If they wanted a 4th roommate, they would have gotten one when they signed the lease.
B and I are not okay living apart this year.
This is not H or O's problem.
posted by 26.2 at 10:43 AM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
You don't really think this is how this works do you?
How many bathrooms are there in this apartment? Who gets first dibs on the shower? Who cleans those bathrooms? How much common area it there? What times do people sleep or study or just need some quiet? Who cooks and does dishes?
A living situation with 3 people is hugely different from one with 4. To assume that you're financial contribution makes up for your disturbance is silly. If they wanted a 4th roommate, they would have gotten one when they signed the lease.
B and I are not okay living apart this year.
This is not H or O's problem.
posted by 26.2 at 10:43 AM on August 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
If I were H, and you moved in regardless of my feelings with a few days notice, you'd be very lucky if all I did in the first hour was to spike your toothpaste with ratshit, and it'd get worse from there.
So over and above the fact that it's absolutely H's choice whether or not you get to move in, consider your own health and welfare should you move in regardless of social convention.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 11:54 AM on August 31, 2008
So over and above the fact that it's absolutely H's choice whether or not you get to move in, consider your own health and welfare should you move in regardless of social convention.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 11:54 AM on August 31, 2008
Just reverse the situation, imagine you are living with a female friend/roommate whose SO you hate...HATE, and she tells you he will be moving in with you, into your HOME, in a couple days... you gonna grow up and deal now?
posted by Cosine at 12:29 PM on August 31, 2008
posted by Cosine at 12:29 PM on August 31, 2008
B and I are not okay living apart this year.
So? That's not H's problem. Thats your problem.
posted by damn dirty ape at 1:13 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
So? That's not H's problem. Thats your problem.
posted by damn dirty ape at 1:13 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
Move in with B when his lease is up - I'm assuming H and O are actual friends of his and not just random roommates? It will ruin their friendship for B to break the lease and leave them scrambling for a new roommate just as the semester starts.
Until then, *you* grow up and deal. (I do not mean that nasty like it sounds, honest.) You and B can spend time in your room and at his apartment and make wonderful plans for when you can move in together for real.
I know, I know this is super exciting and your heart just wants to jump in and do it. But living at B's place right now is not a viable option - if you could force H to accept it, it's pretty much guaranteed to be a crappy living environment, for all of you. Do you really want to start living with B under all that stress?
If it's worth doing, do it right. B tells H and O, hey guys, I want to live with my girl, and I'm out of here and the end of the semester, so you guys have time to start looking for a roommate. And you and B start looking for a place. And then when you're on winter break, you both move into your own place, and you make it your own.
Oh, and while you'll be spending time at B's place *this* semester, make sure to contribute the occasional food and beer, or clean the kitchen, or just do something little that is a nice gesture acknowledging that you're spending some time in H and O's place.
posted by KAS at 2:47 PM on August 31, 2008
Until then, *you* grow up and deal. (I do not mean that nasty like it sounds, honest.) You and B can spend time in your room and at his apartment and make wonderful plans for when you can move in together for real.
I know, I know this is super exciting and your heart just wants to jump in and do it. But living at B's place right now is not a viable option - if you could force H to accept it, it's pretty much guaranteed to be a crappy living environment, for all of you. Do you really want to start living with B under all that stress?
If it's worth doing, do it right. B tells H and O, hey guys, I want to live with my girl, and I'm out of here and the end of the semester, so you guys have time to start looking for a roommate. And you and B start looking for a place. And then when you're on winter break, you both move into your own place, and you make it your own.
Oh, and while you'll be spending time at B's place *this* semester, make sure to contribute the occasional food and beer, or clean the kitchen, or just do something little that is a nice gesture acknowledging that you're spending some time in H and O's place.
posted by KAS at 2:47 PM on August 31, 2008
If this is how you (and your boyfriend) deal with conflict, your relationship is going to be a volatile one. That makes it more likely that the roommates aren't going to want to live with you - especially as a couple.
And if you're in a volatile relationship, that's even more reason to keep your own place -- at least you'll have your own place if/when it goes downhill. I understand the inclination, but the situation as you've outlined it does not bode well for anyone involved, and your relationship will be incredibly tested by the tensions. Stay where you are, or move in alone together if you're really dead-set on it. Leave your roommates out of the decision.
posted by barnone at 2:49 PM on August 31, 2008
And if you're in a volatile relationship, that's even more reason to keep your own place -- at least you'll have your own place if/when it goes downhill. I understand the inclination, but the situation as you've outlined it does not bode well for anyone involved, and your relationship will be incredibly tested by the tensions. Stay where you are, or move in alone together if you're really dead-set on it. Leave your roommates out of the decision.
posted by barnone at 2:49 PM on August 31, 2008
You're the one that needs to grow up and deal. It's not your decision at all - it needs to be unanimous between the existing roomates. Moving into a situation like you describe would be moving into a situation with a lot of stress and tension. Why would you want that?
posted by Ostara at 2:56 PM on August 31, 2008
posted by Ostara at 2:56 PM on August 31, 2008
Just reiterating what others have said but this is H's house. He may share it with others, but it is his house. You can't move yourself into his house without his consent and expect anything but strife.
If I were H, I would prevent you from moving your stuff in and then figure out how to get rid of your boyfriend.
posted by 517 at 3:47 PM on August 31, 2008
If I were H, I would prevent you from moving your stuff in and then figure out how to get rid of your boyfriend.
posted by 517 at 3:47 PM on August 31, 2008
I hope that I'm not just jumping on the bandwagon here, but I agree that this is not a smart thing to do. You see, I was in a similar position to H for about 8 months in the last place I lived. My roommate and I lived in an apartment when we first moved cross country and then he bought the middle unit of a triplex after about a year. I paid him rent and everything was kosher. Then, the girl he was dating began spending more and more time there (as couples are want to do) until she was basically living with us. I was never asked about this situation, it just happened. All of a sudden, I was sharing my space with one more person and her dog (which is a whole other ball of wax all together). She and I got along, she cooked well and things were basically ok. But it still sucked that a new roommate was forced on me without asking. I can only imagine how pissed I would be if we didn't get along.
So, the details are slightly different, but I can tell you that living with someone else and their significant other is not easy, even if everyone gets along famously. Purposefully putting yourself in a living situation that creates drama from the get go is not something that I would advise anyone to do.
posted by friendlyjuan at 6:45 PM on August 31, 2008
So, the details are slightly different, but I can tell you that living with someone else and their significant other is not easy, even if everyone gets along famously. Purposefully putting yourself in a living situation that creates drama from the get go is not something that I would advise anyone to do.
posted by friendlyjuan at 6:45 PM on August 31, 2008
If you want to live with your boyfriend, or your girlfriend, or whatever, do the world the favor of doing it with just the two of you in the living space.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to invite yourself or be invited into an arrangement that already has a lease, a plan, and roomates, no matter how much you wubs each other.
You can try weekends. You can try friday nights. But don't be that couple.
posted by TomMelee at 7:05 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
It is UNACCEPTABLE to invite yourself or be invited into an arrangement that already has a lease, a plan, and roomates, no matter how much you wubs each other.
You can try weekends. You can try friday nights. But don't be that couple.
posted by TomMelee at 7:05 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
This is the key:
So if I'm reading this correctly, H has only had a few days' notice that you plan to move in with B tomorrow?
We still haven't heard confirmation from the poster, but the above does seem to be true.
Announcing days before the start of a semester that there will be a new roommate in the house is one of the most horribly rude things I can imagine doing to someone. I'll just add my two cents to the pile and agree the person who needs to "grow up and deal" here is not H. It's you. Adults don't put other people in situations like this. You're being really, really disrespectful.
posted by mediareport at 7:09 PM on August 31, 2008
So if I'm reading this correctly, H has only had a few days' notice that you plan to move in with B tomorrow?
We still haven't heard confirmation from the poster, but the above does seem to be true.
Announcing days before the start of a semester that there will be a new roommate in the house is one of the most horribly rude things I can imagine doing to someone. I'll just add my two cents to the pile and agree the person who needs to "grow up and deal" here is not H. It's you. Adults don't put other people in situations like this. You're being really, really disrespectful.
posted by mediareport at 7:09 PM on August 31, 2008
Oh, yeah, and violetk's point about you becoming a 4th roommate by default by just staying overnight all the time is worth repeating, too. We've talked about this here before, but spending more than 3 nights a week over at the bf's place is really rude as well. Don't be that person.
posted by mediareport at 7:13 PM on August 31, 2008
posted by mediareport at 7:13 PM on August 31, 2008
Response by poster: A few points:
B had mentioned to the other roommtes when they signed the lease that this was going to be an issue, and their response was that it was fine, it just didnt make sense to commit that way to me so early in the relationship. Apparently this wasn't true, and wasn't their problem at all.
H had a few days, yes, a couple months after it was initially mentioned.
The 100$ plus giving up the last months rent and some deposit (B's roomies get drunk and high and have broken things while he was out) is expensive for B, not me. He wont let me help him pay for this no matter how hard I try to convince him. While I'd pay that in a heartbeat, its harder for me to ascribe that debt to him when I know he's having a couple problems with money already.
I never invited myself, I offered at each point of conflict to just stay away and B wasn't having it.
I don't really understand why people are telling me I had no choice in this, because it is a choice not about me living there, but how B and I would live together. We're anything but volatile, we just consider being together more important than his roommates, or the lease.
As far as H being Hateable, he truly is. I don't want to go into details, but it isn't just me who feels this. And despite O saying he's not cool with girlfriends living there, he's at least nice about it. "She's nice, B, she just can't live here." Totally understandable. Totally different from H and all the other crap he's pulled.
What happened:
B and I stayed there for all of 2 nights before deciding we needed to move out. I kept all my stuff in my dorm room in a little pile and lived out of a teensy suitcase in B's room. He spoke to H about how it wasn't a matter of kicking me out, it was a matter of him leaving, and H provided the response "But its so much hassle for you. People can get used to anything, you know. You can get used to being apart [read: unhappy]. Can you afford this?"
So we moved! We have a beautiful little apartment together and it's almost half as expensive for him to pay rent, our landlord is a peach, and I can honestly say I've never been happier. This was SO easy. And wonderful. Not so much convenient. I wake up with him and fall asleep with him and it is absolutely amazing.
He has gone out of his way to find the roommates a replacement for him. He has found 8 people wanting to live there, but they wont return his calls or texts or emails or anything. H is actually in one of his classes, and runs off at the end of each one without speaking to him. I believe the plan is to go to the village administration, hand them the list of replacements, and get off the lease. B thinks they're ignoring him so he'll have to pay rent next month, and that's just too petty and awful to deal with. I'm really disappointed with O for acting this way.
I'm pretty ecstatic about the way things have turned out.
posted by shadowfelldown at 6:38 AM on September 18, 2008
B had mentioned to the other roommtes when they signed the lease that this was going to be an issue, and their response was that it was fine, it just didnt make sense to commit that way to me so early in the relationship. Apparently this wasn't true, and wasn't their problem at all.
H had a few days, yes, a couple months after it was initially mentioned.
The 100$ plus giving up the last months rent and some deposit (B's roomies get drunk and high and have broken things while he was out) is expensive for B, not me. He wont let me help him pay for this no matter how hard I try to convince him. While I'd pay that in a heartbeat, its harder for me to ascribe that debt to him when I know he's having a couple problems with money already.
I never invited myself, I offered at each point of conflict to just stay away and B wasn't having it.
I don't really understand why people are telling me I had no choice in this, because it is a choice not about me living there, but how B and I would live together. We're anything but volatile, we just consider being together more important than his roommates, or the lease.
As far as H being Hateable, he truly is. I don't want to go into details, but it isn't just me who feels this. And despite O saying he's not cool with girlfriends living there, he's at least nice about it. "She's nice, B, she just can't live here." Totally understandable. Totally different from H and all the other crap he's pulled.
What happened:
B and I stayed there for all of 2 nights before deciding we needed to move out. I kept all my stuff in my dorm room in a little pile and lived out of a teensy suitcase in B's room. He spoke to H about how it wasn't a matter of kicking me out, it was a matter of him leaving, and H provided the response "But its so much hassle for you. People can get used to anything, you know. You can get used to being apart [read: unhappy]. Can you afford this?"
So we moved! We have a beautiful little apartment together and it's almost half as expensive for him to pay rent, our landlord is a peach, and I can honestly say I've never been happier. This was SO easy. And wonderful. Not so much convenient. I wake up with him and fall asleep with him and it is absolutely amazing.
He has gone out of his way to find the roommates a replacement for him. He has found 8 people wanting to live there, but they wont return his calls or texts or emails or anything. H is actually in one of his classes, and runs off at the end of each one without speaking to him. I believe the plan is to go to the village administration, hand them the list of replacements, and get off the lease. B thinks they're ignoring him so he'll have to pay rent next month, and that's just too petty and awful to deal with. I'm really disappointed with O for acting this way.
I'm pretty ecstatic about the way things have turned out.
posted by shadowfelldown at 6:38 AM on September 18, 2008
Oh, to be young and have all the answers...and to have the world totally out to get you and ruin your romance.
If there's no clause in the lease that they have to find other roomates, they have no legal responsibility to find a new roomate. Your boyfriend is on the lease, and he's responsible for the money.
This could cost him more than evenings with his lady.
posted by TomMelee at 6:30 PM on September 18, 2008
If there's no clause in the lease that they have to find other roomates, they have no legal responsibility to find a new roomate. Your boyfriend is on the lease, and he's responsible for the money.
This could cost him more than evenings with his lady.
posted by TomMelee at 6:30 PM on September 18, 2008
Response by poster: There is a clause saying he needs to find them a replacement. He has found them many, but they have also found their own. He hasn't been living there this month, there is no way he should have to pay next month--or might it jsut already be covered by the Last Months Rent he paid when he moved in?
posted by shadowfelldown at 8:05 AM on September 19, 2008
posted by shadowfelldown at 8:05 AM on September 19, 2008
but they have also found their own.
then what's the issue?
posted by violetk at 1:17 PM on September 19, 2008
then what's the issue?
posted by violetk at 1:17 PM on September 19, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
Might be helpful to have your boyfriend there, might not.
posted by Solomon at 7:48 AM on August 31, 2008 [2 favorites]