How do I let a guy know I want to sleep with him?
August 25, 2008 7:27 PM   Subscribe

Is it a good idea to get back in touch with someone I dated briefly and ask for sex? If so, how should I do it?

I'm female, late 20s and very inexperienced sexually.

I briefly dated a guy recently (i.e. about 6 dates over a period of 2 months. I was out of town a lot.). No sex, just passionate kissing and feeling up. He asked if I wanted to come over on a few of our dates, but I declined because I wasn't comfortable enough with him yet, though he continued to ask me out. Then, about a month ago, he failed to reply to a text I sent asking him to get together. He never got back to me. He was always a bit dodgy with communication, so I'm not sure it was meant as a brush off. Who knows, maybe he's wondering why I haven't called him.

I don't know if he was too busy, or if he bailed coz he thought I might not get sexual with him any time soon, or what. Bottom line: I've been working through a lot of my fears around sexuality, and I am ready to get sexual with him now. I don't care if he doesn't want a relationship, I just want a sexual experience with a nice guy. Despite him not getting back to me, he always treated me well in person.

I'm just struggling with how to let him know that I am up for getting sexual with him. I'm a classy broad and the phrase "Wanna fuck?" is not found in my lexicon (at least not yet). Any suggestions on what to say when I call him?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (32 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Don't call him. Meet someone else. He was ready back when you were dating. Chalk this up as a missed opportunity and move on, because you'll either come off as begging or as manipulative.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:36 PM on August 25, 2008

Before 700 people pile on to tell you what a bad idea this is, let me be among the first to tell you that yes, you absolutely should do this if you want to. The ability to pull pickup sex from someone you can actually trust and are attracted to is not to be dismissed lightly. And placing a booty call can be wildly empowering when you're looking to find your groove.

"I'd like to buy you dinner and be dessert" is straightforward without being, you know... gross.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:39 PM on August 25, 2008 [7 favorites]

Just call him and get a dialogue going. He's a boy so sex should generally be an inevitability if you are around him long enough. Drinks, especially wine, don't hurt. No reason to just give it away, make him earn it, which he will likely do if he tried to once already.
posted by GooseOnTheLoose at 7:39 PM on August 25, 2008

He asked if I wanted to come over on a few of our dates, but I declined because I wasn't comfortable enough with him yet

Text him with the message "Busy? Mind if I come over for a few hours?"
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:41 PM on August 25, 2008 [3 favorites]

He's a boy so sex should generally be an inevitability if you are around him long enough.

Please don't gender stereotype. This one is old, tired and lame. Not all men are hounding for sex 24/7 and the idea that sex is something women should be able to have from any party merely for the asking isn't particularly productive either.

No reason to just give it away, make him earn it, which he will likely do if he tried to once already.

One, we're talking about a human being, not a trained poodle. Sex is not a scooby snack, and does not need to be treated as a commodity to be traded or a treat to be earned. Sometimes, it's something two (or more) consenting adults just decide to do. Two, the OP absolutely should "give it away" if that's what she wants to do. Although there are many games that make for good sex, mind games are not generally among them.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:48 PM on August 25, 2008 [97 favorites]

I can't favourite Bri hard enough.
posted by rodgerd at 7:51 PM on August 25, 2008

I'd say ask him out for coffee - or invite him over to watch a movie.

If you go the coffee route - just say something during the outing like "feel like coming over for a bit?". He'll probably get the hint.

If you go the movie route - try to pick something obscure but recent, so it sounds more like "I haven't seen _______ yet, did you wanna come over and watch it with me? I hear it's good".

Either way, if you touch the inside of his leg and give him a sultry look - that should get things moving along pretty quickly. Of course, you could just grab him and try making out w/him. That's worked on me a few times.

Good luck, either way. I, for the record, don't see this is a bad thing or a bad idea.
posted by revmitcz at 7:58 PM on August 25, 2008

Hmm. He stopped contacting you, which means he may very well have lost interest. Perhaps he's even dating someone else by now. But so long as you're prepared for him to say no or ignore your attempt to contact him (the latter is my bet), it can't really do any harm to proposition him. If it doesn't work, at least you know you gave it a shot.
posted by orange swan at 7:59 PM on August 25, 2008

Ask him on a date. If he's available, and still interested, go for it. Play it by ear and do what you're most comfortable with to indicate your newly-escalated interest. Whether it's hands-on "touchy" flirting or a more direct discussion (like, "I know that when we dated a while ago, I was skittish about getting physical, but I'd be interested in giving things another try"), do what works for you and for the situation.

Calling him up and blurting "I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT FUCKING YOU!" is not the way to handle it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:04 PM on August 25, 2008

"placing a booty call can be wildly empowering when you're looking to find your groove."

may be my favorite post to metafilter!

Call him...
posted by HuronBob at 8:06 PM on August 25, 2008

I agree with above. The first step is to call him - then to see him if he's game - then see if you both still have the desire. You'll know when you're with him if it's right or not, no sense blurting out some proposition on the phone or whatever.
posted by Penelope at 8:08 PM on August 25, 2008

I say yeah too the guy went 6 dates and would apprecaite not thinking something was wrong with him. He obviously was into you to go that far i would be upfront wiht him as you can cause most guy would just think this girl doesnt have anything better going on and she might just wnat a free meal. If you cant come out and say hey want to screw then invite him on a male date to something he obviously would love, and couldnt say no too.
posted by Rolandkorn at 8:09 PM on August 25, 2008

yeah, call him, go out on a date, why not. it's OK, have fun and be safe
posted by matteo at 8:26 PM on August 25, 2008

If you two had already had sex, I would say that a casual and slightly flirtatious inquiry as to how he's been would be pretty much a no-need-to-explain offer. (Not based on gender, FWIW. I've personally done the 'been thinking about ya' e-mail as a feeler for a possible hook-up, and I'm a girl, and yeah, it's not uncommon.)

It's a little trickier since you didn't have sex and he knows that you're inexperienced. Not impossible that he'd get the jist of the offer, but possibly more complicated than you need if you're just looking for a comfortable situation in which to get over some shyness and get yourself a little more experience. This part depends a lot of your personalities, how strong the attraction and chemistry was, etc.

Sure, try a casual approach. Ask him if he wants some company/to go out for a drink. But also remember that he may not want to be your test-subject to earn your next level belt, either. Many folks generally feel that even no-strings fucking involves a fairly specific level of physical and emotional responsibility. Not sure if you're a virgin or not from the way you worded your inquiry, but that's an extra level of responsibility.

If he doesn't bite, well, there's plenty of fish in the sea.
posted by desuetude at 8:29 PM on August 25, 2008

Call him. If he brushes you off, then move along to the next man. Either way, you'll have an answer. And if you're lucky, maybe you'll get some good bone.
posted by 26.2 at 8:46 PM on August 25, 2008

Single guys want this to happen like women want to win a lifetime supply of chocolate.

You call up, you say, "Could you come over?" If he is stupid and asks why (moron), you say something foxy like, "Because I need some help with something." No matter how stupid he is, he'll know what he's supposed to do there.

If he's not single or there are some other issues, he'll hopefully be polite enough to say he's busy or something and not give you a hard time about it.

The trick is to be vague. In a "I might get sex situation," ambiguity makes us go freaking nuts ... in a good way.

Make sure that you really want to do this before you invite him over though. If you change your mind this time, he might not be so fond of you again.

And be prepared for him to get upset if you go through with this and you tell him you're not interested in a relationship afterward. There's a good possibility he would want to relive this amazing experience.
posted by metajc at 9:05 PM on August 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

You've really got nothing to lose here. If he says no, so what? Call (or maybe email, but I would argue against texting) and see if you can arrange another date, and then see how things go.

Just one more try though - maybe the first time he didn't get back to you it was an accident/laziness/whatever, but if he ignores you again that means it's time for you to move on.
posted by naoko at 9:08 PM on August 25, 2008

I'm just struggling with how to let him know that I am up for getting sexual with him. I'm a classy broad


In other words: don't do it. It is not a good idea.
posted by davidmsc at 9:46 PM on August 25, 2008

First off, I agree with everything DarlingBri said, but that's fairly normal.

That point made, I'm a big fan of being fairly straight forward and plain spoken. You don't have to be crude "hey, wanna fuck?". But something along the lines of "hey, my life has been crazy and I had fun with you but it was a weird time for me but things have settle down now and I'd really like to get back together and see if we couldn't have a lot more fun".

I like women a lot, both as friends and lovers. But having been around the block a couple of times, I'm not incline to beat my head against a rock in an unproductive manner. I've periodically come across people that are intriguing at first but seem to be caught up in their own games. A little chase and play can be great fun at first and spice things up, but after awhile you start to wonder what the point is and if you are really being the one played.

I have no idea how the guy feels about you. But if he started feeling strung along and not appreciated, then I don't think that flirting alone will get you where you want to be. But if you didn't burn any bridges (and it doesn't sound like you did) then laying it out and explaining your interest and why it is different this time should do the trick. And if nothing else, it will help you learn to express your desire and stand you in better stead with future relationships.

Good luck
posted by afflatus at 10:53 PM on August 25, 2008

Call, go out, get some kinky lingerie. Once you get to make out stage and he feels the lace... he'll know what's up. I'm one of those dumb boys who doesn't get hints very well, but when she's wearing snap crotch panties... duh!
posted by zengargoyle at 11:15 PM on August 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Call ;-)

Of course not every guy would be ok with this, but MANY are. I'd say that many guys are also cautious, though, because often times the women who claim not to want anything beyond sex do end up wanting more.

So be sure that you just want sex and nothing more, express this clearly, and make him understand you're not playing games with him. I'll let someone else come up with a "classy" way to express this.
posted by randomstriker at 11:31 PM on August 25, 2008

Everyone favoriting DarlingBri seems to be overlooking the fact that no one would give the same advice to a guy.

I'll give the OP the same advice I'd give a guy: beat off before you do something stupid. Don't go back to someone you didn't click with just to get your rocks off. Bad idea. Find a new person and start from scratch. "Making him work for it" is just another way of saying let things happen as a natural matter of course.

If you are open to sex, you will find it.
posted by three blind mice at 12:34 AM on August 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

With all due respect, Three Blind Mice, I would give the exact same advice to a guy. If he'd been out with a woman a few times, she'd invited him up but he'd declined because he'd been "working through a lot of fears around sexuality" but was now "ready to get sexual" I'd be handing him the quarter for the phone call.

God bless masturbation; it's mighty handy for getting the job done, and I'm a firm believer in the fact that everyone's primary sexual relationship should be with themselves. But when you're ready to share that with another person, playdates for one don't provide what you're looking for. As long as everyone is clear on the parameters and the attraction is genuine, why not go for it? Why the double standard for men and women?

A "natural matter of course" is nice if you want to develop a relationship. Generally, we refer to this as courtship and not making the partners work, but that's fine for that situation. When when what you want is to get it on, I'm of the opinion that it's fine to skip the ritual and just do what you're there to do. It's not right for people who can't cope with casual sex, but for lots of other folks, I think it's a mighty fine thing.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:56 AM on August 26, 2008

seems to be overlooking the fact that no one would give the same advice to a guy.

Whatwhat? Men getting in touch with women they sort-of know for sex is a cultural norm. The only reason a guy wouldn't be getting that advice is because he likely wouldn't even be asking.
posted by rodgerd at 1:01 AM on August 26, 2008

(Also I was favouriting Bri in large part for refusing to buy into the notion that men are penis-ruled meat-machines gagging for the chance to throw themselves at anything with a vulva).
posted by rodgerd at 1:02 AM on August 26, 2008

Is it a good idea to get back in touch with someone I dated briefly and ask for sex?

In general, the answer to your question is "No. Absolutely, no way, uh uh, no how, NO."

In this case, he's already given you the brush-off. Whether it's because you didn't have sex or not, he's indicated that he's moved on. Rather than beating (or banging) a dead horse, just find someone else. It'll probably be less awkward to start a *new* sexual relationship than to try and initiate sex with someone with whom you were previously involved.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:45 AM on August 26, 2008

I don't really see why people say right off the bat that no, you should never, ever get back into someone's pants. I see it happening all the time. What it is, is the lazy way of getting laid, and yeah, usually nothing's going to come out of it other than just that: some casual sex.

The way I see it, this can only be seen in a case-by-case basis, and it totally depends on whether both person's expectations match. So, anonymous, if you really just want sex and no relationship whatsoever, and you know this guy feels the same way (or are willing to find out), then it's all good. How do you find out? I recommend the straightforward approach - call him up, ask him to "watch a movie at your place" and be prepared to make a move if he accepts (nothing worse than a booty-caller who doesn't have the guts to follow through). Should he not get your call/answer your text/e-mail, then just drop it and move on. Really, you have nothing to loose.
posted by neblina_matinal at 4:43 AM on August 26, 2008

It's probably a bad idea to go back and try and have post-dating sex if 1) the other person already proved himself to be a dick, or 2) nothing has changed with regards to the reasons you two stopped seeing each other, or 3) you are trying to use sex to restart a relationship.

But here it seems that 1) the dude was a nice guy, 2) the girl got over her sex issues, and 3) she doesn't really want a relationship, she just wants sex. I don't see what's so bad about trying to get some sex under those circumstances.

I think if you try and set up another date, you're going to get shot down. I think I would call or text like around midnight and ask "Doing anything right now?"
posted by 23skidoo at 7:47 AM on August 26, 2008

I tend to be a little dense at picking up female signals in general, but I would need a more direct approach if I was this guy. Being contacted by a woman who actively avoided getting into a possibly sexual situation by not even coming up to my place would not make me think booty call. Likewise, do you want to come over and watch a movie? wouldn't have the same effect as it would coming from someone I already slept with. If anything, I would assume she wanted another shot at a relationship.

Having said that, if I was contacted by someone I dated several times but never slept with (and that would be a long list) for a booty call, my only response would be: when and where? I think you should contact him but, if you're too vague and he doesn't get the hint, he might turn you down cold. Wanna fuck? might be a little harsh but I would suggest stepping up your level of directness if he doesn't seem to be getting it.

If he's not interested, there are plenty of nice guys out there who would love to sleep with you no strings attached. Have a friend set you up on some blind dates with the knowledge that you're just looking for some fun and experience. I female friend of mine set me up on a blind date once and her primary description of her friend was she's always talking about how badly she needs to get laid. I later found out that her friend instructed her to tell me that so there was no doubt in my mind that she wanted me to make a move.
posted by bda1972 at 8:02 AM on August 26, 2008

So that this response isn't immediately brushed off as puritanical moralizing, let me say upfront that I have no moral or ethical issue with no-strings-attached consensual sex. In this particular circumstance, however, I have to disagree with the majority and suggest you don't go for it.

This guy, by your own admission, ended the relationship with you by completely blowing you off. No in-person explanation, not even the easy way out of a phone call, email or text. No matter how you rationalize it ("He was always a bit dodgy with communication"), that is a pretty crummy thing to do to a person. To me, after you've been on a reasonable number of dates with a person (and I would think 6 would count as a reasonable number) that is just completely disrespectful. It seems odd to me to then want to reward such a person with sex. From the outside looking in, this appears less like sexual empowerment and more like letting yourself get treated like a doormat. If you want sex for sex's sake, at least do it with someone who hasn't already proven to be unworthy of it.
posted by The Gooch at 8:41 AM on August 26, 2008

Call him at a late-ish time (which could be anytime from 8pm to 2am depending on what you know of his schedule and social conventions in your area, the idea is that it´s early enough for both of you to still stay up for a bit, but late enough so that there is only one thing you could possibly be suggesting at that hour), and ask him what he´s up to. If he knows that you are inexperienced you might have to be a little bit more obvious, perhaps you could invite him over to watch Shortbus, or some other film like that.

No reason to just give it away, make him earn it

Anonymous doesn´t want to date the guy, so what in the world are you suggesting he do to ¨earn it¨?

It seems odd to me to then want to reward such a person with sex.

I think the OP intends to reward herself with sex. Rewarding or punishing the man´s past behavior doesn´t enter into it.

Dearest anonymous: Don´t reward this man with more sex after this time unless he shows an interest in making sure that you have a pleasurable time, it will be more rewarding for you to bestow your rewards elsewhere.

On that note, I´m off to have some trophies and ribbons printed up.
posted by yohko at 3:35 PM on August 26, 2008

You could get in touch and say you would like to come over.

Keep in mind that if you are having difficulty being comfortable sexually, it may be suddenly awkward to have sex with someone who may be a lovely person, but who you aren't currently close with. Or, it may not be at all! Just something to think about :-)
posted by lacedback at 6:30 PM on August 26, 2008

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