Offensive meddling or well-intentioned help? What would Miss Manners do?

fuzzbean — Wed, 02 May 2007 20:08:00 -0800

How should I respond to some friends who are concerned that I'm becoming too codependent, and who have written and given to me a list of things I need to do to become a more balanced person? So the backstory:

1) Last year, I was in a pretty abysmal relationship and pretty unhappy about it. Two of my girl friends (A and B) took me out to dinner and sat me down and had what amounted to an intervention. I broke up with the guy a week later, and it was absolutely the right thing to do.

2) I've started a new relationship, with a guy in the same social circle as A and B. (In fact, they were the ones who nudged us to get together.) Things are going great, and we've decided to move in together after about eight months of talking/dating/spending loads of time together. Let me emphasize that this is a totally different kind of relationship from the previous one and is, by any objective measure, extremely healthy for both parties.

3) I've been sick a lot lately (last two months), with a weird nausea/GI tract thing that's very spotty, mostly mild, but occasionally bad enough to keep me from doing things. I also just caught a cold. (And yes, I'm following up with doctors on the GI thing.)

4) Being sick has made me miss a LOT of social events, often at the last minute (I can think of four in the last three weeks, plus a couple of standing events). However, this lends itself to the perception that I'm cancelling events to stay home with the boyfriend (and the toilet).

SO: Last night we (bf and I) had plans to attend an event with several other people in our group. We cancelled fairly late because we were both exhausted and I was coming down hard with a cold.

This morning I wake up to an email letting me know that A, B, and C (another girl in the group of friends) have started a project called "Fuzzbean Intervention II" in a task-management program we use to organize our social calendar. They're concerned that I'm getting codependent and isolated and want to see me become more balanced. They've made a list of things they think I need to do to become more balanced, with line items like "Identify career goals", "Pursue career goals" "Pursue hobbies with other people", and "Spend less time with (boyfriend)."

I'm trying to figure out how to handle this. I value their friendship and input, and they have certainly been right before. And I understand that they care about me and are concerned about me, and that that's where this is coming from. Further, it's not that they're wrong that I do, in fact, need to get out more (but situations have prevented me from getting to a lot of things I would have liked to attend).

However, I'm pretty offended at the...paternalism? micromanaging?...of my life that the list seems to represent. I'm also annoyed that they're not accepting my explanations at face value (I've spoken with them at some length about symptoms and whatnot, but it's not exactly the kind of thing you want to go into brutal detail on every single time. I also don't yet have a pat diagnosis to hand them.)

How have you handled situations like this with your friends or family members? How would you suggest that I handle it? I don't want to cut them out of my life, but I do find this pretty intrusive and feel the need to reestablish some boundaries here. Specific words and phrases to use are welcome.

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Offensive meddling or well-intentioned help? What would Miss Manners do?