Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with worry

My Dads Paranoia?

Neonshock — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:19:59 -0800

What can I do about my Dad's paranoia? Some background info first...I live (24) with my parents (mid to late 50’s) in the suburbs of London (UK). We have lived here for nearly fifteen years and almost since day one there has been some kind of anti-social behaviour in our estate. My parents are foster carers and throughout this fifteen years have had one or more (usually two or three) kids living with them (6-16) with varying different issues. There are a catalogue of things that have occurred; smashed windows, things been thrown at our house, verbal abuse, our door has been kicked down etc…These kids I think see our house as a target as my parents will always call the police (they have to as the children are/may be at risk), but cannot actually ‘do’ anything (physical - not that they would) but these kids know no one will come out chasing them down the street, threaten them or whatever (“You cant lay a finger on me Guv!” kinda thing,).
In the last year or so this has really calmed down and we hardly have any problems. There is a community policeman who visits about once a week and is a great support. My Dad has always been super neurotic and anxious in general but especially about these situations. Eg. If something gets thrown at our window and just makes a bang, me and my Mum will ignore it and they will usually go away. My dad will look through the curtains, see who it is, go outside and look through the cracks in the fence, come in and shout at us about it. Repeat this pattern, come in and start swearing and saying were under attack and we have to do something. Go and look again. Shout at us and wonder aloud what they are going to do next. Pace, sit down and shake, pace, shout…this will go on for hours, he will image the worst; “they’re gonna do it again and smash it…what if they push something through the letterbox….I want to go to the shops but cant…etc”.
Last night there was a big bang in the house (sounded to me like something falling over upstairs) my Dad jumped up and ran upstairs, couldn’t find anything, came downstairs and said “someone threw something” I said they didn’t and that it was defiantly from inside the house. He went on about it a bit in his usual way and I said clearly and firmly (I’m ashamed I have to take this tone with him, but he acts like a child, sorry.) “Look the noise came from inside, everyone heard it, and we think its probably next door (usually noisy) you need to drop this now, nothing happened, calm down.” I went upstairs.
I came down stairs late in the night to get a drink and my mum was up. She told me that after I had left dad had been going on and on, he had studied the window and decided there were cracks in it, shouted at my mum etc…. And now she didn’t want to go to bed as he would just continue harping on.
The next day he admitted that what he thought were cracks were smudges. This is a general pattern, he will work himself to near hysteria, go on for 12 hours then figure he was wrong or something and go quiet.
My question is…what can I do? It affects everyone and it always has but now I will be moving out soon and I’m worried about my Mum and my foster siblings handling him (I seem to be the only one he half way listens to,.He is very angry towards my mum sometimes when he is shouting), and my Mum cannot deal with it well (more likely to ignore him, shout back or clam up. I’m scared he will become so paranoid he will develop mental problems or worry himself into a heart-attack. Last year I bought him a self-help book about relaxing and letting things go for Christmas but my Dad is a stuffy old man from the North so…anything like that isn’t really an option. What can I do? How can I let him let go of things and be less paranoid? I’m at my wits end and it is very upsetting.

Thanks for reading guys.

The stupidest miracle

Lacking Subtlety — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:39:23 -0800

I just did something banally amazing. Now I'm overcome with a profound sense of dread. Is this legitimate? We just had some down time at work and we were throwing paper airplanes. Now I should say, that we never have downtime at this job, but this was different because our computers were down. So the fact that people kind of went nuts with the opportunity to play around and were super-into designing awesome paper airplanes.

Anywho, someone was watching us from down the hall and said, "Hey! someone throw it in here!" and placed a tall, thin glass on edge of their desk... this was a good 47 feet away, no lie. My co-worker tried first and it only went about 15 feet. Then I went.

I lined up and said the words "it's in there like swimwear" aloud in a sort of faux-pompous idiocy, then tossed it so nonchalantly, like I did it everyday. It had perfect arc. It swooped down, then back up for second, and went right into the freaking glass. Seriously this glass is a good three to three and half inches wide at best. And again 47 feet away (we retroactively measured it). Needless to say, when it happened people celebrated like we just one the Superbowl. People tried to replicate the event for the next hour and no one even came within 10 feet of the glass. People can't stop talking about it.

So Now Then.

About 3 hours have passed and I have been overcome with this weird sense that I will never, ever, in my entire life be so lucky or do something as great as this... I'm being serious. I know this is nowhere near as important as 99% of the things in my life, but I still feel a genuine sense of dread that what happened was just the coolest, and sadly most interesting thing I will ever do in my entire life. I am rather upset about this.

I realize there is nothing more trivial in the entire world as what I am saying. It was a funny, flukely, silly thing that involved coworkers and bored editors. No one else will care. And yet I am extremely bothered. I have no reason to feel like this. Also, I am not normally like this, as I am generally a worry-free and positive person.

Why would something so utterly trivial and stupid, actually bother me? Is anyone else effected by a whimsical situation that they feel has some sort of grand karmic affectation on their actual life?

I honestly just feel like I just used up my quota of luck.

Is this insane?

The correct answer is yes.

But is it insane to feel that way nonetheless?

Could I be brain-dead?

scarylarry — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:06:54 -0800

Could I be brain-dead? My girlfriend and I just discovered that the gas on her stovetop had been turned on (without a flame). We don't know how long it was on, but possibly up to 24 hours.

Considering that we're both alive and "together" enough to type this question, can we conclude that we're safe?

How can I keep from worrying about this?

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 08:02:45 -0800

How can I keep myself from freaking out about a medical issue that, in all likelihood, is common and minor, and for certain is not life threatening? For the past two months I've noticed an increase in the amount of hair I've been shedding (I'm female with long hair, so I normally shed some hair..but this is markedly more than usual). And for the past couple weeks I've noticed a change in the thickness of my hair, the way it lays on my head, etc. Anyone looking at me probably wouldn't notice it, but I do. It's definitely thinner than it used to be.

At first I wasn't sure what this was at all, but then I heard sometimes a couple months after a physiological stressful event (like fever or surgery or crash dieting), your hair can sort of switch over to "fall out" phase - telogen effluvium. In July I was extremely sick while coming home from India - puking and diarrhea over the course of a day, high fever, all while trying to get out of Delhi in 100+ degree heat. At some points I was so sick I couldn't even stand at the ticket counter long enough to get my boarding pass, was curled up on the floor sweating and with chills etc. etc. I think that qualifies as stress on my body.

As a side note - I am 99% certain it was food poisoning ("Delhi belly"!) because my friend ate the exact same thing as me and also got extremely sick.. yeah we spent the evening taking turns in the bathroom, it was so not cool.

So, I've been operating under the assumption that this hair shedding thing is related to that, and what I've read is that it is pretty common and happens to most people at least once in their life, and that my hair will grow back in eventually. I've decided to go to my doctor after Thanksgiving to get blood work to rule out thyroid, hormone issues and possibly get a referral to a dermatologist.

In the mean time, how can I keep from freaking out? Worrying about going bald? Looking up stupid shit on the internet about it? I'd like to not worry so much about how my hair is changing.. I mean, it IS just hair. I guess the obvious answer would be "just don't freak out" but that doesn't seem to be working. Thanks--

I can't live up to my image of me.

wild like kudzu — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 16:48:16 -0800

My guilt is getting a little out of control, but my issue is that I don't know whether or not it is justified. Looking for advice from those prone to worrying. So, I worry about everything. I worry about my life, my career, my schooling, my roommate, my car, my psyche, my family, my friends, friends of my friends... Jeez. You name it, I could sit down and list a few concerns of my own.

It's getting sort of obnoxious. Hung over as I was today, I decided to stay in and do work on my couch all day. Nursing my headache and watching movies all day meant I didn't go outside at all. Not even once. This triggers feelings of "missing out"-- that I'm not really fully living life up to its potential if I'm spending whole days inside. I usually only do that when I am seriously, legitimately sick.

On a daily basis I feel guilt for my tv-consumption, eating habits, procrastination, recreational activities... I know I am a perfectionist, and I tend to overestimate my abilities within certain time frames and parameters. I know much of it is irrational, but just knowing that I shouldn't be worried does not prevent me from thinking about it and beating myself up about any number of things.

On a cognitive level I know that no one is perfect, and I shouldn't expect myself to be able to live up to my every expectation, especially considering that I think my goals are not always realistic.

If I am not 100% perfect in my interactions with everyone in my life, if I don't stick to my guns, if I let slide some bad habit I am attempting to curb, I will spend literally hours concerning myself with every aspect of the faulty aspect of my life. It is consuming, distracting and does not let me relax, like ever.

Anybody have experiences like this? Anybody ever convince their brains to relax? Thanks in advance.

My inappropriate attention spidey sense is tingling

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:31:11 -0800

When I was a young girl, my brother's best friend made very inappropriate advances to me. My brother and his family are visiting this friend on the weekend, and I have a concern about how the friend will behave to my young niece. There are complications over what I should do … I have never told anyone in my family about this, and I wasn't physically harmed, but there are still tiny but incessant alarm bells many years later. The families are meeting at a social event, so it's not like brother's friend and niece are likely to be alone at any time.

I live in another country, so I won't be able to keep an eye out. My brother's wife will not be there, so I won't be able to say, "Hey sis-in-law, [bloke] acted weirdly around me when I was a kid. Watch him if he's near [niece]." My mother is friends with brother's best friend's parents, and would be reduced to a torrent of worry about things that happened years ago. My brother is not the best communicator, and doesn't handle messages beyond daily pleasantries very well.

While I'm 99.5% sure nothing will happen, what can I do? Should I warn someone, or just let the whole thing go?

CAN YOU TELL HOW INTENSELY WORRIED I AM ABOUT THESE ISSUES (tears out hair)

prefpara — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:04:11 -0800

A question about how to calm down. I am having a lot of trouble formulating this question, so forgive me if it's a little bit all over the place. Dear Metafilter. Thanks in advance for your help & patience. I can't figure out how to ask this question, so let me just describe the problem I am having as I experience it.

Basically, I am a stress basket. Everything stresses me out. Most of all, interpersonal stuff makes me nuts. I overthink a lot of my social interactions, and it's really hard for me to let go if I think I've annoyed or offended someone.

In the past, when I have been in a good relationship, spending time with my boyfriend would be a strong antidote. He made me feel completely accepted, warts and stress and all. However, being single has not led to any discovery of an analogous de-stress mechanism (except I like hot baths, but this is impossible in my apartment). So I get wound up, and can’t wind down. The more stressed and upset I get, the more affected I am by things which are, in the big picture, not so important.

I think I am driving everyone around me crazy because I am always at a 10 on the emotional intensity scale. I am not the relaxed, comfortable, easy-to-be-around person I’d like to be. I don’t want to be this stressed all the time.

I guess I am asking how I can relax when I don’t have my family or a boyfriend around to make me feel accepted and OK with who I am. I am working on being my own best friend and loving myself as I am, but it doesn’t work all the time (should I just accept that this is a process, it takes time, and I need to give myself permission to get there slowly?). Especially when I feel criticized or rejected by my friends.

I welcome your thoughts and advice. Especially if you can think of a way for me to take a hot bath in NYC without owning a usable bathtub. How do I relax? How do I envelop myself in loving acceptance when there isn’t someone else to do it for me?

I either need to get a raise or a new job. Help me think of strategies.

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 18:54:06 -0800

I have a job. That job isn't what I stayed in town for and doesn't exactly pay the bills either. I'm looking for tips in finding a new one and maybe keeping it a secret from the current employer for as long as possible. I've set this up as anonymous just in case anyone at the current job sees it. I'll be watching the thread and will send replies as needed, but hopefully I won't need to do that. But in advance, I'm sorry for some of the vagueness that's about to ensue (the current job knows that I've done some of this in the past) and what might amount to unneeded information.

I was promised a job in the private sector (with Alpha) for around $25,000 a year and was very happy to get that due to my lack of formal experience in the area. When I got back from a trip I didn't hear anything from the employer for a while (which in hindsight I should have seen as a big red flag). Right before the job was set to start I was told that the best they could do for me was an hourly thing that nets about $150 a week before taxes (assuming I'm there for the entire time) and is in the mid afternoon running into the early evening (which knocks out a fair amount of other jobs I could have at the same time). I signed the contract knowing that, assuming my wife would be able to find something. She hasn't yet, is waiting less than a week for some expected industry openings, and if nothing comes from that has said she's willing to get anything that pays and is legal.

The boss at my current job mentioned a few ideas for getting me more hours (coming in earlier to help with other things, coming in a lot earlier to help then leave and come back, and running some personal errands that have nothing to do with the job itself). It looks like none of these is going to happen. Which especially sucks for the personal errands because the way it was mentioned really made it seem like it was something that was going to happen (and would have amounted essentially to another hour per day as far as pay goes). The boss has also said that I have the first opportunity at any jobs that arise due to a growth in clientèle, but at this point I'm worried that either that won't happen or the boss won't follow through.

So onto the question. Do you have any tips for trying to find a job while keeping the current one as long as possible and not letting the boss know I'm looking for something else?

I have a meeting with someone in an organization (Beta) I've done and am currently doing creative work on a freelance basis where I plan on trying to make that a more permanent position. I've also been asked to do some of that same creative work for a group (Gamma) that used to be able to pay me but is not able to anymore (due to the rules they have set up about who can get paid, not due to their lack of money) and we have agreed to look into the possibility of either finding a way around those rules or to get me hired by an organization (Delta) that they work closely with. It is technically possible for me to regain the proper status to be officially paid by Gamma, but the actual chance of that happening is about as close to zero as statistics let you get.

I'm also looking into the idea of asking a group (Epsilon) who is part funder and helps run Alpha if they can find any work for me in their organization. However, I wonder about this since there's a strong possibility that they'll ask the boss at Alpha why I'm having to go to them in order to find enough money to live. Would that be a bad move?

Some things I'm planning on doing are:

- Not saying a thing to Alpha until I have something else lined up.

- Meeting with Gamma on Sunday, which should have minimal interference with Alpha anyway

- Possibly mentioning to Alpha that I can't stay on in my current situation and I am thinking about trying to find something else. As far as I can tell they love having me there and losing me wouldn't be a good thing at all. Plus it's the kind of job they have to have someone in, even if it's just a fill in until they find a more permanent replacement.

- If nothing good comes out of all of these meetings with people, I'm not going to turn down a job that pays. These are just my first choice.

So in short, what tips do you have in convincing the current boss to get me more money and what tips do you have for keeping my job search a relative secret from the current boss (if things need to go that far)?

I've made a huge mistake.

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 13:36:07 -0800

How do I stop feeling so guilty? I can't think about anything else, it is consuming me completely. I made a mistake and did not take responsibility for it. Now I'm making myself sick over it, not just that I'm going to be 'found out' (there is an investigation by my boss over what happened), but plain old guilt for what I did, and what I didn't do (be honest about it).

It feels too late to own up to my mistake now, and if I did, I might just lose my job. I'm sure they can't prove I did what I did (it was an accident and there is no concrete evidence), but I can't stop worrying and hating myself.

Do I suck it up and do the right thing? Or...how do I just distract myself so I can stop thinking about it for at least 5 seconds?

How much is it worth to be worth less?

Anonymous — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 17:04:22 -0800

Have you left a high-paying but bad-fitting job? How and when did you decide to go? Context: For the last year I've been working in a permanent post as a managerial corporate drone and despite having great pay and benefits it's a bad fit. I want to go back to my former creative, contract-based field. I won't be leaving the job without another lined up and am poised to start hitting my network for leads - but I'm scared that if something comes up I'll regret leaving the salary behind. My former work paid well, just not as well and I can't get any perspective on how much that matters.

I took this job because I thought it would be better to opt for security and a 25% pay rise with the economy about to tank, and at first the pay made a big difference so far. I've saved all of the extra and now have a pension, along with liquid funds of six and a half months living expenses, but the cost in other areas has been pretty high - I don't like the work, or myself very much and have become depressed to the point where I'm bored, frustrated and dissappointed (in myself) a lot of the time. I have hobbies and outside interests but this casts a shadow over everything, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to stay professional. Most days I want to hand in my notice, but some part of me is saying "Dammit! Don't pass up the chance to actually accrue some real wealth for once". I come from a pretty poor background and that voice is strong.

Question: So I know I should leave but how much longer should I stay before then? A month, a year, til the recession is over? Til I'm fired?! Or do I just need to (wo)man up and stay put? If you've been in a similar situation what made you decide to stay or split? Any regrets either way? I'm 33, without debt, kids or a mortgage for the foreseable future (I rent). I'm in the UK, if that matters. Throwaway mail here if need be: wageworry@googlemail.com. Thanks!

Future?

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 16:30:41 -0800

i am almost 30 and I have no future! help me convince myself I am wrong. No job. No boy. Six months and I am thirty. I am happy for my friends who are moving forward and yet I wonder, what the heck is so wrong with me that I cannot. I've asked people who know me, so it isn't something so obvious. I guess part of me feels like things ought to pick up again (I mean, I had a job once and a boy), but I can't help but feel like I am doomed.

How do you believe it will all be okay again? I am certainly not the sort who believes in God or "a plan" and I have found shrinks beyond useless. (So you know, I hear that advice but I don't need to see it reiterated.) Likewise, the whole "think about the people who are worse off" doesn't work. Seriously, I know it makes me an asshole, but I don't care. I care about how I feel, and the compairison doesn't work. That someone is worse off doesn't cheer me.

So: I need to believe that given time I will be okay, like most people I know and I am not specially marked for doom. How?

Can someone please reason with me? Give me some kind of perspective on how to care without caring so much that it ruins me?

2X2LcallingCQ — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 08:25:49 -0800

Can someone please reason with me? Give me some kind of perspective on how to care without caring so much that it ruins me? Background: Been together almost a year, early 20's.

At the beginning of this relationship, things were so easy for me. I thought to myself that finally I knew how to have a healthy relationship! Everything wasn't painful, I wasn't jealous, I wasn't needy, I felt secure.

And then I started to care. And then I started to worry. And now I'm a wreck.

And so, for some reason, I bring up the subject of breaking up fairly often with my boyfriend. I torture myself with questions of how long it would be until he would see someone else, sleep with someone else, how it would make him feel. But he and I are very different people. He is uncomplicated, reasonable, rational. Very even in his emotions. I, on the other hand, am, to put it kindly, passionate, and at the same time, incredibly vulnerable.

To illustrate, at the end of my last relationship, I, uh, didn't take it so well. I was absolutely devastated and became a sobbing wreck for almost a year. I threw myself into my work, discovered that being sleep deprived allowed me to feel less, and watched as my health steadily declined. My ex moved on in a month. It took me about 3 years to recover from the whole thing, and up until I got into this relationship, I felt that I was making progress, though I see now that it was simply because I was single.

So I think it makes sense for me to be concerned. What I find particularly interesting is that I feel like this relationship is simply a continuation of the last. Same emotions, similar circumstances. It's all kind of coincidental in an eerie way. That's not to say he's like my ex. But I never thought my ex would hurt me the way he did. But he did. And I'm having a really hard time trusting my current guy, especially when he says things like "Well, eventually I'd move on. And I'd expect you to do the same." Well, obviously. But why does it hurt so much? I think a big part of the problem is that I haven't actually moved on from my last relationship, and feel absolutely crushed when I think of the person I love so much being over me. But what do I want? For them to forever pine after me? Maybe. As that's what I feel I'm still doing. Pining for my ex in the form of my boyfriend. Which doesn't make sense, because I don't love my ex.

I feel like the only way to gain control over this situation is to go back to how it was at the beginning. If I don't care, what do I care if he leaves me? On an intellectual level, I just can't understand why, if someone really loved another person, they would just be able to move on, just like that. It's not that I think my boyfriend would move on right away, he wouldn't. And he would be hurt, because we both love each other so much and have been each other's firsts in so many ways, and because we've both discussed a future together. But he wouldn't be destroyed. He wouldn't feel like his entire life has fallen apart. I know I will. It's scary to think that he is really the only thing in my life that makes me happy. And it's not fair to him, or to me, or this relationship.

Thank you.

What can I do to feel more positive and confident while riding out uncertaintiy in "transitional" phases of my life?

Chrysalis — Mon, 25 May 2009 18:30:31 -0800

What can I do to feel more positive and confident while riding out uncertaintiy in "transitional" phases of my life? I'm in my mid 20s, and after a pretty traumatic breakup, have just moved back to my home town. I haven't lived here for 3 years, and while it's great to be back amongst my old friends and have a chance for a fresh start, it's also quite unsettling that I haven't got a long-established routine or a clear future plan now. I'm trying to use this as a time to reconsider what I want for my life (now that my plans with my partner won't be happening) and get in touch with who I really am etc... but I can't help feeling uneasy about the fact that nothing's really happening right now... I'm about to start studying, I've applied for a job, I'm keeping busy with training for my sport, but right at this moment there's nothing major that I'm passionately working on and towards, that I can pin all my hopes on (I realise this is unhealthy and almost definitely the cause of a lot of my unhappiness).

I've felt similarly before, and always just either stayed in an unhappy situation to avoid this happening and tried to "make it work", or jumped into a poor but distracting situation to avoid having to go through this. These situations have been both geographical, career or relationship situations, but my response so far has always been the same.

This time I want to stick it out and not just run away from it. I feel like this is my chance to become more authentically "me" and comfortable with that, and make better choices from that position, and hopefully end up being comfortable and reasonably happy day to day without it being pinned on some future awesomeness, but I keep being tempted to either run away (distract myself with things I don't really want or literally move overseas again) or hide in my room forever cos it's just too hard.

What can I do to face this time in a positive, constructive manner?

Community College isn't as barren as they say it is... right?

biochemist — Sun, 24 May 2009 08:35:30 -0800

Give me your community college success stories! I'd like to know if you went to community college at a traditional age and had a blast. For financial reasons, I'd like to start college at a community college. However, I'm worried about not making many friends and missing out on the "traditional" college experience.

For me, that experience would involve joining a greek organization, attending a lot of sports games, going to parties and making a lot of friends.

I do plan to transfer to a four year college, but I also worry that I'll never feel a true sense of camaraderie since I wasn't there from the start.

If you've had an experience negating all these worries, tell me about it!

I need to start my life without worrying so much about the consequences of my decisions

mind2body — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:20:50 -0800

I'm afraid of making big decisions in my life because I worry too much on what other people will think of me and I feel it will close to many other doors ...(long) I am a 21 year old female who will be finishing community college this summer. I purposely put off applying to any universities for this upcoming fall because school is NOT helping me figure out my life right now. So that I will not be wasting money on a degree that I don't love, I want to take the time off to find the real me. I have less than a year to discover who I am to become until I apply to college for next fall. I have to make decisions on what I should do. I am so afraid that anything I decide to do will jeopardize any future plans.

I'm broke and I have no money to travel. I have personally traveled around the world many times with my family so I think traveling would not help me decide on what to do with my life. It would seem to be more like running away from life rather than making something happen. I am desperately wanting to do something, anything in the real world. The future seems bleak because of the economy and the status of the job market.

I have thought of joining the americorps...but I have already volunteered extensively and I don't think this experience would help me because I have done it so many times before. It does not give me as much satisfaction as it did before.

I enjoy the cultural aspects of life, the things that makes us human. Social psychology, cultural anthropology, history and so forth.... Its what I am passionate about. International relations? I am not quite as interested in the political aspects of other countries. I don't want to teach but I want to help people. Counseling seems interesting to me but I would feel stuck in an office.

Most of my career dreams involve traveling and meeting people. I thrive on adventure. Yet, I am kind of shy around new people and I am terrified on being on my own as a female in such a male dominated world. I love my family and friends so it is hard to take the initiative to do anything with travel. Though I don't want to have a job where I am gone all the time at least not when I am 50 years old. I want to be home and available for my future husband and kids.

How do I get over this fear and actually start something in my life without worrying so much about what other people think? What should I do with my time, if anything?

How can I stop freaking out about my deployed boyfriend?

charmcityblues — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 15:41:12 -0800

My boyfriend is deployed, which is stressful. What are good ways to deal with this stress? And what, if anything, can I do to be a better, more supportive girlfriend? Charmcityboyfriend is a Marine, deployed somewhere sandy. He is a bit of the strong silent type, and not particularly good at expressing things like feelings. So for a while there was a comedy of errors type of situation where he thought I didn't care for him, and vice versa. Lately we've worked that out, through exceedingly clear conversations, and everything is peachy. He loves me, I love him- it's almost unbelievable now that we're really talking that we went so long without expressing these feelings. I absolutely can't wait until he gets home. However- there's always a however- since we've finally broken down the communication barrier, my anxiety level over where he is and what he's doing has gone through the roof. I guess I was distancing myself before.

Without being too specific, he does dangerous things for moderate periods of time, and then goes somewhere safe-ish, where there are phones and computers. Although he can't tell me much about what he's doing or when he's doing it, I've noticed certain patterns and know vaguely when to expect to hear from him. Well, these patterns don't always hold true, so every week or so I have a major freakout. Reloading CNN eight gazillion times a day, worrying, reloading CNN again, rinse, repeat.

I need to figure out a way to not do this. I can't really talk to him about it, because he has no control over the situation, and I don't want to add excess stress to something that is already mega-stressful.

I'm looking for concrete things to do to stop the freakouts. Things to do that will support him. And things to do to help me get through the next couple of months. Please keep in mind that since I am not his wife, I do not have any kind of support network from the military; also, I am in college and do not know anyone in a similar situation.

How to control worry and focus on what needs to get done?

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 05:05:11 -0800

How do you stop worrying so you can work? When you start to freak out with worry, how do you stop? With a big deadline looming at work, I have found myself getting so overwhelmed by worry that I can't think straight and therefore can't work. I have to take a walk to stop internally freaking out ("oh my god oh my god oh my god").

I mostly worry I won't finish in time. I also worry that outsiders will find a mistake in the report or the method. I feel responsible for the reputation of the entire group. This is a long-term project, so I worry people will think "he worked on this for how long and still, this part isn't perfect?"

I particularly am having trouble making a final "to do" list, because as I think about certain loose ends, I get really critical of myself for not having finished them yet. They are 99.9% done, but that 0.1% gap seems hard to close. There are only one or two steps for each, but I have trouble thinking about them because I get derailed into thinking "oh my god, Important Step B is not 100.0% done, what have I been doing with my time, how could I be so stupid, someone else should be in charge of this project, am I even going to finish this?"

But when I am calm, things seem manageable. I can get myself organized to finish things up on time. I can list the Important Steps and the few "to do" items that would close that 0.1% for each of them, and it's a realistic amount of work to do. I can also see that, in reality, the project will never be perfect. There will always be ways that others could improve upon the work, and that's just the way these projects are.

Do you have any tricks to help me shift back into being calm and productive when I get into that freaked out state? This is a fairly new thing for me (well, I can see hints of it in some procrastination in college, and it's gotten worse around deadline times over the past few years), so I don't have good tricks yet. What works for you?

How to interact with paid killers?

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 13:56:22 -0800

Should I be worried about meetings a friend of a friend who works as a shady mercenary? So one of my closest friends is friends with two guys who, for lack of a better way to say it, travel the world and kill people for money. She's characterized it as them being mercenaries, but from her descriptions of what one of them said, I think these guys have done work that wasn't in a war zone. She's close enough with the fiancee of one that I'll probably meet him eventually. The idea of this triggers a gut level reaction that scares the crap out of me.

Everything I can tell about the stories she's told me make me believe these guys are for real. I'm nervous about posting the specifics of why I think they aren't lying to my friend, but for the moment, let's assume they aren't lying, and that their profession is real. (Part of me thinks that this can't be true when I've heard about them, but this is me worried about safety here.)

They don't know that I know what they do. I will eventually meet them unless I really go out of my way to avoid them. So, is there anything I can tell myself to calm myself down, how sane are these guys, what sort of mindset do you think they have? I'm decent at understanding people, but the idea of killing people for money is so foreign to me that I don't know anything about them. My friend things one of them is actually a nice guy, the other something of a sociopath, but one who she gets along with. Neither currently lives in the same city as us, but one (the nice guy) is looking to move here.

If these guys really are blowing smoke out their asses, please tell me. If not, any advice on the situation?

I've set up a throwaway email account: uselessaccout@yahoo.com (note the lack of an "n" in "accout") if you want to email me instead of posting an answer here.

How worried should I be about a cat with an enlarged heart?

PhoBWanKenobi — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 20:30:06 -0800

An emergency vet said that my cat has an enlarged heart (discovered via chest x-rays). How worried should I be? I came home after work yesterday to find my usually very-friendly 3 year old cat Sammy in apparent pain--unusually quiet (usually you can't shut him up) except when I touched him, when he freaked out completely. I took him to the emergency vet and they decided it was probably an abscess, as his side was swollen and he'd been fighting lately with the neighborhood bully cat. I was given antibiotics and pain medication for him, and he seems to be feeling a lot better today, aside from the fact that he's ticked at me for not letting him outside.

While checking him up, the vet was worried about his heart murmur--previously acknowledged by our vet (who said it might be something I should get looked at "eventually") at the last check-up; she said it seemed loud for a 3-year-old cat and asked for my permission to to take x-rays, which I agreed to. She said that the x-rays revealed that his heart was "a little enlarged" and recommended that I see a vet. cardiologist in the next month or two. There was no fluid in the lungs or anything like that, so it's not congestive heart failure. YANAV and YANMV--in fact, Sammy will be seeing our vet, who I plan to give a copy of the x-rays to and discuss this with further, tomorrow morning. However, google has me a bit of a confused, panicked mess over the whole thing. Other than last night's apparently unrelated illness, he's completely asymptomatic. I'm looking for answers from those who might have been in the same boat, especially with a young cat. I get the idea that treating an enlarged heart might be expensive, but how expensive? What kind of quality of life can he be expected to enjoy? Is this the death sentence that the internet makes it out to be?

Even though YANAV, feel free to take a gander at his adorable little bones and big ol' heart here and here.

Goldilocks: THIS breast is too lumpy... THIS breast is too pebbly...

Anonymous — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 18:43:10 -0800

How worried should I be? (You are not my doctor.) Essentially, I have a small (1 cm) lump in one of my breasts. I saw an NP who examined me and referred me to a radiologist for ultrasound and maybe biopsy. She also told me my breasts are "pebbly." I'm 24, some family history of cancers (including breast cancer), no previous weird pap smears or anything like that.

What I am having trouble with is this: I realize that it's probably nothing (a hard cyst? a fibroid? whatever that is?) but I am still somewhat upset about it. Part of what I am having trouble with is that when I think about it and get upset, I tell myself, "don't be stupid! It's nothing!" and then I still feel upset, but also stupid. Similarly, when I think about it optimistically, I feel like I don't have enough worry, and I'm tempting fate or something.

I think I would feel better if I just had some sense of how worried a reasonably well-informed person would actually feel. Either I should be very worried, which will mean that I have "permission" to feel that way, or I shouldn't be, which will mean that I have "permission" to feel optimistic.

I hope this is not too badly phrased. I have tried googling around, but it's not all coming together into something that makes sense. What is the scientific, statistical, common-sense level of worry that would be reasonable to feel in this situation?

Life can only be understood backwards but must be read forwards.

numberstation — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 08:18:21 -0800

Watershed moment or wishful thinking? : 26 year old father considers future life. Looking to the hive mind for direction. I work in the Square Mile for a large multinational and whilst it once fufilled at least most of my requirements in respect of a career it is quickly becoming a noose around my neck. My father was self-employed and advised me the good and bad sides of that. Good - you can really see the benefits of your own initiative. Bad - you are always switched on, can never holiday or truely let go. The inherrent insecurity. Anyhow, I am getting more and more frustrated with the work that I do and keep dreaming of setting up my own business. I have creative ideas but my minds flits from one to the other. I know that I can work extremely hard under sometimes quite ridiculous amounts of pressure (the square mile seems to sort out the wheat from the chaff v.well).

When I was younger I travelled all over the world and I know there is a world of opportunities out there. That said, I have a wife and 1 and a bit year old daughter to consider. It is not a case of there not been significant consequences if this goes wrong. I really want to change the way I live my life for the better and believe both my wife and I would feel much better if we could use our creative sides to effect.

It feels like I am at a pivotal moment or is this just some other sucker day-dreaming whilst sat at their desks at work? I now I have a lot more to give that I am able to in my current role and I know that changing job and staying in this industry is not enough.

Is the boogeyman real?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 20:14:07 -0800

Anxieties about my own safety and that of my loved ones are making it hard for me to sleep at night. The onset of dusk makes my stomach knot. When I was a child and would see a scary movie, it would be hard for me to sleep for a few nights afterward. Every time I closed my eyes I would open them immediately, expecting an axe-wielding maniac to be standing over my bed. Ever since I had a child last year, I feel exactly as I did then. Like "they" are waiting just beyond my vision to cause harm to me and mine. It doesn't help that we had a spate of robberies in my neighborhood this time last year - the thieves came in to my neighbor's house through an unintentionally unlocked side door. Also fairly recently, a bright shining light in the community was at home in a very good neighborhood when two young sociopaths came into her house via an unlocked door, took her, drove her around and killed her.

Reading descriptions of movies like "The Strangers" and "Funny Games" doesn't help. I am obsessed with the thought that sociopaths, psychopaths, thieves and other amoral characters are roaming the streets right outside my house, just waiting for us to leave a door unlocked for a moment.

(and then I worry by thinking about it, I am somehow willing it to happen! aaaaahhh!)

How do I ever close my eyes and sleep again without all this worry? I am not a dog person (and besides, I know more than one person whose dog did nothing to scare off intruders) and we do have a security system. I'm starting to think I should sleep with a Taser under my pillow.

How to relate to my parents during their divorce?

salvia — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:35:26 -0800

My parents are getting a divorce. How do I support them? How do I relate to them without it being terribly weird on me? How do I stop worrying about them so much? I'm 30 and live on the opposite coast. They've been "working on things" for a couple years. Neither was that satisfied, but my mom was more willing to do something about it, and she made the final decision against his will. I can completely understand her decision. My dad moved into his own apartment in early June. She feels relieved, mostly. He feels rejected and mad. He is also being something of a martyr (reminding us to call her, "letting her have the church"). I'd rather he just get on to being selfish and hurt and mad, but I guess everything has its season.

My first question is fairly simple -- imagine you're 58 and ending a 38 year marriage. What support could a daughter who lives across the country provide? Emotional support? Magazine subscriptions?

My second question is longer. Feel free to skip it if you want. How do I relate to them? I call them, but I don't exactly know what to talk about. Mainly, I ask how things are and listen. But with my dad, I also remind him we can help and give unrequested advice, like "I heard the two most important ways to avoid depression are exercise and socializing." The entire conversation has this subtext: "are you going to be okay? I want you to be okay." I don't want to turn into the nagging, caretaking oldest daughter. I want to be cool and give him space to feel whatever he's feeling without having to reassure me.

Talking to them sends me into a funk afterwards. I keep thinking about what they're going through and imagining them upset and in pain, my dad especially. I try to remind myself I really can't know what it's like, and that me making myself depressed doesn't help anyone. How do parents deal with watching their kids go through pain? I suppose my own sadness must be tied up in there, but if they were fine, I think I'd be 80% happy with it, too.

Then, there are the details, like have they spoken? I don't ask for them, but I don't discourage them. I have this perverse desire to know how bad it is really, to make it real for myself. They don't give that many, so it seems okay. But then I hear the details from both sides. My dad told me he sent my mom an email about logistics. She said she "got an email that said her haircut is matronly and she should wear her hair like she did back when she was in her twenties." WTF? It's a bewildering statement, but if you think about it for a minute or two, it's also really sad in several ways. So, maybe I should say I don't want to know any details, but then do we just talk about the weather? "I hear your house just burned to the ground. So, hey, can you see any birds from there?"

Plus, I feel like I have more experience with breakups than either of them do. They got married when they were 20. I know my several one- to four-year relationships are not directly comparable, but I still want to send Jon Cusack to watch over them. Since I can't, I watch the details I get like a doctor watching for early signs of breakup infection. Then I remind myself, who am I to say what's best, and didn't I survive doing stupid post-breakup stuff, and what would I do anyway?

Can anyone advise me about how to think about this and how to relate to them? I'll be seeing my dad, along with my brothers, for a week in mid-July. Sorry this is so long, and thanks for your help.

How can I stop worrying and getting myself in trouble?

albatross5000 — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 14:12:18 -0800

I'm trying to figure out how to be less paranoid and obsessive and how to not replay past and future negative scenarios in my head constantly – eventually getting myself in trouble. Often, I go over negative things that I've overheard or have suspicions about, and negative recent occurrences (like getting fired recently or conversations that might have left me in a bad light in someone else’s view). I feel paranoid about anything I cannot control and have ever had problems with perhaps. I was recently fired from a job for generally being too confrontational with my boss about things I saw going wrong and things I was feeling paranoid about. The thing is -- the paranoia is somewhat justified, and I have a hard time believing that it's possible not to worry about stuff all the time. And now at my new job I feel that I’m at risk of the same behavior, feeling jaded already about my new work situation and worrying constantly about everything in my life (and about not having a life, and even about worrying too much itself!) – how can I feel more relaxed and just chill out? I think it might help if I explained a bit about the things I worry about and how often it happens.

I'd say that no less than 2 dozen times a day I replay my termination at my last job. I was there for several years and things went great at first (huge raises etc), until of course things stopped going great (started having to work with difficult inexperienced people who my boss had no problem with) and started complaining to my boss about what was going wrong (which she did not want to hear). And eventually my complaints all backfired and I was fired for being a pain in the ass, and not sticking my head in the sand (playing it safe like everyone else). Fine, but to get me fired my boss embellished on the facts and made her new boss think that I was this huge virus in the group (very untrue, honestly). Her boss eventually called me in and called me a monster (in so many words) and fired me. It was very unfair and the reasons given were very blown-up. Anyway, I obsess about the fact that this happened and cannot help being hateful and replaying the scenario every single day countless times per day. It's disabling.

The 2nd thing I worry about (less often) is that my girlfriend cheats on me. It's an almost-long-distance relationship and a couple other small things assist in making me wonder that she sometimes gets some on the side. She’s not very experienced but when she finally started dating, she was very promiscuous. And now we’re together monogamously and she is very likely not cheating at all. This actually isn't much of a problem but the worries stack up. But my point is that because I think about it sometimes, I can’t help but say things sometimes… and it’s saying stupid things that might make her want to cheat in the first place!! It’s like … worrying about something too much might actually make it happen. CRAZY! I worried about getting fired and felt paranoid a lot at my old job … paranoid that my complaining would get me fired … which made me worry more, which made me paranoid and complain more, which eventually got me fired!

My third major worry is my new job. I worry about this countless times a day. My "mentor" isn't a mentor at all, but claims that he spends a good portion of his time teaching me, when in reality he actually takes credit for some of the work I do (which he has nothing to do with), and teaches me nothing (and works from home 3 days out of 5 doing very little work for the most part). This worries me because I can see this becoming a major problem for me in the future. At times taking credit for my work in a way, not helping me learn this amazingly complex process by answering my questions via email, etc... I know that at some point I'm going to say something to him that displeases him, and he'll give me a bad rap to my new boss (someone I rarely talk to because of how much higher up the chain she is – VP level at a mid-sized company). This guy bad talks almost everyone in the group to me, and I suspect that he does it to me as well. And I’m finding myself turning in with that same sentiment and complain sometimes already (to some of the team members who have similar problems with whoever). This I fear will backfire too but don’t think of that when I’m flustered to the point of complaining a little. The other part about my job that is difficult, which I worry about quite often, is the fact that I'm here to replace the only programmer on our team; the architect of the entire process. This person knows all the ins and outs of how everything works, well beyond anyone else, and answers half the problems that come into our groups door (no one else can because they only know a piece of how things work) and wrote all the code that binds all the mini-processes together -- stuff that no one else can do. He is very expensive and I'm here to replace him. The problem here is that a) my “mentor” is a hindrance while b) I’m trying to learn everything that the strongest team knows so that I can replace him. He knows that I’m here to replace him and is supposed to walk me through his work. Well, this has been difficult, but I'm great at figuring things out. It’s....possible that I can replace a good portion of what he does, but when it comes time for his last day -- chances are I won't be able to fully replace everything he does. So that's bad but not the end of the world. The end of the world part is about the mentor who is more a monkey on my back than anyone helping me through this huge challenge, teaching me the process, etc… I get flustered with this stuff and can sometimes say the wrong things (being too honest) about what I see is wrong – and it’s bound to backfire.

So, because I cannot always hold my tongue 100%, I know that I'm going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time and get totally screwed over, being in this almost impossible spot at my new job after getting fired at my old job. This worries me and I fear that the worrying itself will help fulfill my negative prophecy or whatever…

This stuff sounds somewhat petty but it occupies my mind whenever I am idle. I worry that worrying too much is going to make me do or say stupid things like it did the last time.

It's also paranoia. I worry about something someone said a few days ago "what if they meant X (something bad about me" or what if what they said means that they're unhappy with me and will give me a bad report to my boss ... etc.

I was on a huge dose of Effexor for approx 5 years, and couldn't chill out enough to be more laid back at my last job and got fired. I took myself off of the medicine after that and have been at my new job for a couple months. I think I feel a little bit better off the meds actually -- so that's good.

Should I try to get some anti anxiety meds? I haven't had a real anxiety attack for years... but I know that a little bit of Klonopin every other day might quell my constant worrying. I have some but don’t think during the day to take it. I’m not freaking out – it’s more like a constant humm of worriedness that I think is going to make me crazy or get me fired again.

Sometimes I'm able to convince that voice that worries and remembers my firing to be quiet and relax, but a few minutes later off it goes again. Sometimes I try a little deep breathing, and that can help temporarily too. And getting a life might help, but how does someone in his mid 30s, in a long distance romantic relationship (1 state away), make new friends? I do some technical volunteering which is not helping me meet peers my age…

I guess my overall question is … if deep breathing sometimes, talking myself down, and huge doses of anti-depressants don’t work, how can I stop constantly worrying and stop getting myself in trouble?!? Too much negativity and paranoia.

Has my overactive imagination turned into anxiety?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 07:58:08 -0800

Has my overactive imagination turned into anxiety? I have always been an imaginative person with a tendency to daydream, but lately (past few years) I've noticed that I am dwelling increasingly on worst-case scenarios. Examples:

- In the past three years, my old house, my parents' house and my car were broken into and now I constantly worry about making sure the doors are locked. I often walk away from my apartment or car and have to turn back to make sure the doors are locked. They always are, but if I don't check I can't concentrate on anything else. When I was staying with my parents over the holidays I often came home worried that I was going to find my things missing and my parents murdered.

- Since the September 11th 2001 attacks I've been afraid of flying. I used to have no problem on airplanes and now I often need a drink before getting on a plane. Without alcohol I am tense and I sweat throughout take-off, landing and any turbulence, but for the rest of the flight I do pretty well. I know how rare plane crashes are but that knowledge doesn't help to subdue my fears.

- If anyone is late and I don't hear from them I assume they were in a car crash. My boyfriend has a long commute over a dangerous freeway and I worry about him constantly. If he forgets to call or doesn't pick up his phone, I get frantic, call him repeatedly and sometimes check accident reports. Even as I'm imagining a car accident I know I'm being irrational, but it's difficult to distract myself from worrying.

- I used to love skateboarding, wakeboarding and snowboarding, but in the past couple of years when I've gotten on a board my whole body tenses up and I don't have any fun. Now I make up excuses to avoid these activities with my friends.

- After a difficult college class with a lot of important quizzes, I get extremely anxious about tests. Last year I got lost on my way to the GRE test center, was late to the test and I was completely tense and near tears throughout the entire test. Part of my reluctance to pursue graduate school is that I don't think I can get past my anxiety to do well enough on the GRE or the LSAT. I had no problems taking the SATs five years ago.

From what I understand about anxiety, I have never had a full-blown anxiety or panic attack. I think that what had previously been normal levels of worry have become something else, but I don't know what to call it or how to treat it. I know that therapy will probably be a popular suggestion, but I would like to explore other (if any) options first. I searched for "anxiety" on AskMeFi but skipped most questions because they appeared to be related to social or performance anxiety which I don't think applies to me. Apologies if I skipped over a thread similar to mine.

What is happening to me and what can I do about it?