How do you motivate without being a nag?

Anonymous — Sun, 18 Feb 2007 22:15:55 -0800

How much will my overambition clash with my fiancé's underambition? And is his underachieving a symptom of something larger? I firmly believe that it is possible to find a job that I love to do, while my fiancé seems to be more of the mindset that he is content to work a job he doesn't really care about in order to fund his recreational activities that he does care about. I'm worried that he is aspiring towards mediocrity, and I'm worried that I will quickly tire of that. How do I motivate him to achieve more, or how do I stop stressing about that, because it is none of my business? Sorry this is so ridiculously long. I wanted to be thorough.

Further background is that we used to work in the same company. I had the exact same job title as him for awhile, and in fact, did his exact same job when he got laterally promoted. So I know exactly what he does at work, and I know the environment well. I eventually quit the job because it was boring, had stopped challenging me, was stultifying, and 80 more reasons I won't bother to list. Suffice to say, management was horrible, coworkers were really fun, but not too bright, and the job was meaningless.

Another problem was that we were a very very small money-losing company that was a part of a very large, very serious corporation. So we were never given a lot of support or resources from upper management, and were constantly under pressure to produce under pointless constraints. Since I quit about half a year ago, it's gotten even worse. Plus, there has been a lot of turnover, so basically there are new workers who were poorly trained (training was always a serious issue, given that we had no standards of operation, and every single person could give you a different method or procedure for any given task), who are then supposed to train brand new people.

All this, is to give background that the job sucks. It isn't interesting, it isn't creative, and people are fleeing for better, or at least more lucrative jobs. My fiancé is very creative, and complains on a daily basis about how dumb, ineffective, and paranoid his boss is. He is always complaining about the random and idiotic new things upper management decides to try out. He does not enjoy the job.

Furthermore, I know for a fact, because he tells me, and because I have observed and lived it, that he barely spends 20 hours a week really working. The rest of the time he is at work, he is playing online games, chatting on IM, watching videos on youtube, gossiping with coworkers, or even worse, throwing things at his coworkers. Throwing things like paperclips, or stressballs, or even shooting rubber bands at them. He tells me with great delight about making ricochet shots that hit them in the face.

Now here's the thing. He sits in an area right next to HR, and pretty close to his boss, and his boss' boss. One of these days, he's going to bound to get caught goofing off so visibly, if someone doesn't file a complaint about him. He keeps saying that with all these people quitting, they need him there, because he is almost the senior most person in the whole department. I keep telling him that it doesn't matter how important he is to the department - a corporate office will not allow an employee to continue working there if he continues to throw things at his workers. His defense to that is - he usually isn't the instigator. He is basically saying that someone else starts it. Now, he is the oldest out of the group of people he tends to have these throwing wars with. So, really, that is not that great of a defense. Sure he is only older by a couple of years (26 to their 23 or 24), but as he points out, he does have seniority. He should be setting an example, if not for the sake of his job, for the sake of being an adult.

Now, I have been sending him job descriptions of varying kinds for several months now. He has done nothing about any of them. He won't even update his resume. He left the company a couple of years ago for another, better paying job, and had the bad luck to be laid off because ironically, his new company was bought out by the old/current company. So the old company let him come back, at the salary he was making at the new company. So now, he has this "fear" that if he leaves again, he could be let go after 4 months again. He has this thing about job "security" now. And since he is making decent money, he has no money motives to seek out a different job.

He claims that even though he did like the new job he had briefly better, there were still things he didn't like, and he fears that idiot managers will be found wherever he goes. He also claims, because of his vast previous job experiences working at a movie theater and best buy, that he is pretty sure that all jobs are the same. So he is content to just rot at his current job for as long as he can.

I want him to be happy and fulfilled. Is it really possible that he gets enough joy out of his recreational time, that it doesn't matter that he is just stagnating during working hours? It is my belief that 8 hours is a long time to be sitting around all day, wasting time just to collect a paycheck. I'd rather be busy and happy, and not get paid as much, than being an overpaid hunchback in a cubicle. But is that just my thing, and should I not try to foist my beliefs on him? How can I encourage him to seek out greener pastures without being a nag? How do I encourage him to take a chance on something new in the possibility that it can be better?

And also, is his inability to seek out a new job, more responsibilities, and all of his office hijinks a symptom of immaturity? There are other things I won't go into for this question, but I kind of feel like all of the stuff I already described signals something weird. It feels like he doesn't want to grow up. Am I reading too much into it? I fear that this laziness and lack or drive will translate into other things that will effect our marriage.

Any advice, perspective, or whatever would be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry I had to post it anonymously. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

help needed

patphelan — Sat, 01 Jul 2006 12:53:03 -0800

I am in recovery (alcohol) 6 years and some days just feel totally down mentally and full of concern regarding the future,I get plenty of sleep,go to lots of AA meetings,have a good job and eat well but this is really starting to concern me,any suggestions please

Spinal surgery - personal experiences requested

Space Kitty — Tue, 03 Jan 2006 14:57:51 -0800

Grade 4 Spondylolisthesis: your experiences, please. My 22 year old daughter was diagnosed with grade 4 spondylolisthesis today. She's going to need surgery, including fusing the (5th?) vertebra, inserting hardware and possible bone grafting. She's getting an MRI next week and I'm satisfied with both her doctor and her course of treatment.

What we're looking for is first hand experience from anyone who has had this diagnosis, or spinal surgery in general. What was your experience? How was your recovery? Is there anything you wish you knew before the surgery, or wish you would have done differently?

We've done quite a bit of googling, but I'm hoping for more specific, personal stories. (Please email any horror stories to me privately, I'll be sharing this link with her and she's worried enough as it is.)

Good wishes are also gratefully accepted.

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How do you motivate without being a nag?

help needed

Spinal surgery - personal experiences requested