Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with virginity

Virginal quandry

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 09:41:02 -0800

A question and moral quandary from yet another sad virgin.... I’m a twenty-seven year old virgin (a woman), and with every passing year, I feel like the big, dark virginity cloud looming over my head is getting bigger and bigger. I’m not a virgin for a reason or an ideal, it’s just that I only started dating fairly recently. I’m very quiet, and don’t seek much for myself. I have a lot of friends, but I don’t often meet new people to date. In truth, I’m raring to have sex and have been for years; the only thing I’m “waiting” for is to meet someone I care about and trust. The last time I got naked with someone I was ready, but it turned out he was also a virgin but was waiting “for love.” Goddammit.

For the past few weeks I’ve been dating a lovely, sweet boy. I like him, but when my friends ask, the most I can muster to say is “he’s nice.” He quite likes me, I’m pretty sure. After a heavy make-out session a few weeks ago, sex was definitely up for the next time we had the opportunity. After the make-out date I’ve been very stressed with various issues, so I haven’t exactly been in an amorous mindset. When I saw him last, I suddenly thought “This won’t work out, I’m just not that into him anymore.” It was such a sudden 180. I think my gut is right, but I’m worried it’s the stress or fear of commitment talking. But what if it’s not? I can’t date him for dating’s sake, it’s not fair for him. And yet, the horny, desperate part of my brain just wants to have sex with him so I can stop obsessing about the scarlet V on my forehead.

Metafilter, how can I see past my stress and horniness and do what’s best for this boy, and for me? If I break up with him, how can I prevent myself from desperately dating and screwing anybody who’ll take me? Throwaway mail at accidentaldiana@gmail.com

Is it OK for a woman to omit to tell a guy she's a virgin?

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 12:36:17 -0800

My question concerns the etiquette of losing your virginity. I met a woman in her early 30s. Then something happened that confused me.

I didn't find out until after we engaged in intimate relations that she was a virgin (which explained some of the awkwardness involved.)

As she is from a pretty traditional country where most people frown on premarital sex, this caused me concern. What I had thought to be a third date between consenting adults seemed to have retroactively become a serious transaction that I wasn't ready for.

Two of my female friends independently described it as "shitty" for her to have sprung the V-card on me without letting me know.

But I am not sure what to think and am just confused about what it all means.

I wonder about what it means when (female) virginity isn't mentioned in advance. Are there circumstances in which you'd find it optional to let a guy know about that? Or is it universally a bad thing to omit?

Any help much appreciated...

Problems with sex

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 18:53:30 -0800

I'm worried about my new-ish sex life with my boyfriend. Please help me figure out if everything is alright, and if it isn't what I can do. I'll preface this question by first stating that this is all very new! We've had intercourse about 20 times, so pretty much we are just starting out.

I was a virgin (age 25) before we had sex for the first time about a month ago and he has had about six partners (age 30) in his entire life.

When we first started doing sex-type stuff (handjobs) he couldn't orgasm, but after some working through stuff he was able to come. When we first attempted to have intercourse a month ago we had some serious problems with my hymen.I took a good three weeks before we could have intercourse without serious pain for me.

Things were great for like a week, and now just recently, the last time we tried, he had problems maintaining his erection and we just gave up.

It seems like sex is an uphill battle. I feel really discouraged and don't know what to do. How can I be supportive when feel so angry and discouraged myself?

The closest sex therapist is a three hour drive away and charges $150 per hour, so we can't afford that now.

Is it normal to have these many problems? I'm really worried that he will continue to have problems maintaining his erection and that it will devolve into some sort of negative feedback loop that destroys our relationship.

What else could I have said in this situation? (NSFW)

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 09:56:15 -0800

What else could I have said in this situation? (NSFW) When I met my girlfriend (Diane), she was a virgin. She was waiting for marriage. For the first couple months of the relationship, we would fool around up to the point of sex but never go that far - or even tease the boundary. Our point of view was that we didn't want to risk temptation. The boundary began to get teased before long.

We would do the whole, "just put it in a little bit" routine. I would pull out, or she would get up before anything happened (read: breaking the hymen).

Some time last month, we were getting intimate and it got to the "put it in" part. I was about to pull out, but she told me to go deeper. I did, and it broke.

There was a moment of silence and shock. Then questioning ("Did it really break?" "Yep, there's blood."). Now, as a male, I'm not known for being smart. The first word out of my mouth was, "Oops."

We had sex for a few more minutes after that before stopping because of no condom.

Diane isn't crushed because of losing her virginity before she was ready. Nor does she hold any resentment against me. Surprisingly, she doesn't even hold the "Oops" against me - It's actually a point of chuckle for us.

Tonight, we were playfully bickering and she brought it up saying, "I mean, seriously: 'Oops'?!"

To which I responded, "Well, what else could I have said?" And there was silence.

AskMeFi: What else could I have said? We've played around with the "I love you" line, but that could possibly have made it seem like I planned to take her virginity.

Request: I'm not looking for any answers besides ones pertaining directly to my question. We just want to know if there was anything else that could have been said in this instance better than, "Oops" that wouldn't have ruined the mood, nor made it seem like I planned the whole thing.

To Wait or Not To Wait

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 07:38:31 -0800

I always thought I'd wait for someone special to have sex for the first time. But I haven't met anyone special. Is pursuing a casual relationship a good idea, and how do I do it? I'm a 25 year old female who is and always has been single. This is something I'm generally happy with - I have a very successful career, a loving family, wonderful friends, and many hobbies that I find challenging and fulfilling. Whenever the possibility of dating someone seriously comes up, I find myself balking at the idea.

It's not that I'm ruling out a relationship - there have a half dozen people I've met in my life who I absolutely would have loved to have dated seriously, but things never worked out (for several, low self-confidence meant I never told them how I felt; the last guy I really liked chose someone else over me). But I generally don't think it's worth my time unless I really feel a spark. And I rarely feel a spark.

That being said, I do really feel like I'm missing out on one key aspect of relationships - the sex. I mean, I hear it's a really good time. ;)

I'm a virgin. And not an everything-but virgin. I'm pretty inexperienced in general. I've always assumed I would wait until I was in a real relationship. But I don't want a relationship right now and I do want sex and it just seems silly to wait, you know?

When I try to define what I'd like, the terms that come close are "casual relationship" and "friends with benefits". I don't want a string of random encounters because a) that doesn't feel safe to me and b) I would like some emotional intimacy along with the physical intimacy.

However, I have a whole bunch of questions. That's where you come in, AskMe! Please answer any/all of these, or just supply advice/stories/opinions you think would be appropriate/helpful:

~ Is my picture of what a FWB/casual relationship is accurate? Ideally, it'd be a relationship or a series of relationships where we saw each other every once in a while (no more than a couple of times a week, no less than a couple of times a month), knew a fair amount about each other and were friendly and affectionate towards each other outside of the bed, and would sleep/cuddle with each other in addition to having sex. Is this achievable, or is it a totally unrealistic picture?

~ I also imagine the people that usually do this are usually pretty experienced. Would someone even want a FWB arrangement with someone they'd have to teach to be good at it? Also, I know there are a lot of potential land mines out there for relationships like this in general, but any specific to someone who's previously been a virgin?

~ How does one go about setting this up? Should I approach male friends I am attracted to but not close with? (I have no desire to complicate a good friendship with this, but I have several new guy friends and I meet new ones all the time.) Should I try online? (I have reservations about that.)

~ I can't 100% get over the hang up that my first time should be "special". I'm not so sure it's an internal hang up, though - the thing that gives me pause is thinking about how I would explain it to others who ask about it. (This is also the problem with doing this online, so maybe I should just get over worrying what other people think about me.) Is there any way for me to be more sure that this is the right move?

For what it's worth, I am pretty emotionally mature. I can be honest and straightforward about my feelings, and I understand that human emotions and attractions are capricious and that in the end everyone's just gotta do what they gotta do, and not take it personally. And while I do not want to be hurt or regret this decision, I feel pretty confident that even if it turns out to be a bad idea, I'll be all right.

Where does the phrase "losing your virginity" come from?

rzperllian — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 23:46:15 -0800

Where does the phrase "losing your virginity" come from? I'm in need of some etymological detective work here, if you're willing. What's the origin of the phrase/idiom, "losing your virginity"? Why is virginity lost, rather than given, or broken (like silence)? Personal theories are interesting and all, but I'm looking for historical fact here, if possible. Thanks!

Apart from that it's an awful idea.

Anonymous — Tue, 13 May 2008 08:59:20 -0800

What should I know about trying to have casual first-time sex at a fantasy convention? I've never had sex. I'd like to get the first time over with, specially since I don't see the second time happening anytime soon. I'm a girl. I'm going to a fantasy convention and I'd like to pull someone, male, and sleep with them. I know this is a stupid plan but I'd like to give it a go if I can. I'm aware of safety issues (STDs, pregnancy, being alone with possibly violent or weird people, and will take precautions). What advice can you give me? I'm not conventionally attractive, don't dress well and I'm overweight. Should I even bother trying? Specific questions - if I do sleep with someone, will he be able to tell I'm a virgin? (I don't think I've got much hymen left.) Is it unfair to a man to sleep with him if I'm not planning any further contact? Anything you can tell me about pulling fantasy fans? I know the basic stuff about getting off with people in general, making eye contact et cetera.

Email me at conventionmf @ hotmail.co.uk if you prefer.

Losing virginity

Anonymous — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 13:45:30 -0800

I've lost my religion and now I am going to lose my v-card, please help. Last night I went out on a date with someone and it went really really well. I'm 24, he's 30. At the end of the date, he asked to see me again and we made plans for date #2.

I'm a virgin. This is because I have only recently left a strict christian religion I was raised in that forbid premarital sex (mormonism). He knows I recently left this religion, but not that I am a virgin (he probably suspects it). We're in utah, so it's not like he's not familiar with the culture around here.

If things with this guy develop into a committed relationship, I definitely would want to explore things and lose my v-card with him.

However, I don't want to lose it to someone I am not absolutely secure about and with. Losing my v-card is a big deal to me and I don't want to end up being used and dumped by some jerk.

For me this translates into that the guy is my boyfriend and we've been boyfriend/girlfriend for at least 4 or 5 months and things are going well.

So tomorrow we'll go out, and I definitely see us maybe having a kiss at the end of the date. Then if this is like other relationships after three or more dates we'll probably make out at which point I have no idea what to do or say, as I'm used to being with guys of my same religion so its just unspoken that it would never go any further.

What do I say to him at this point? If I could just say it flat out, it'd be "Yeah we can get down but only after we've decided to be exclusive and dated for at least 4-5 months, and if that's too long for you to wait, sayonara!"

And maybe that's exactly what I should say.

How and when do I bring this up? It seems presumptuous to lay it out like that while we're just getting to know eachother.

How would most guys take a speech like that, assuming they really like the girl? Is there another more graceful way I can say it? Does this seem unreasonable of me?

Why can't I get Gardasil at 27?

Anonymous — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 08:30:08 -0800

Why can't I get Gardasil after I turn 27? I'm pretty sure that somewhere before Gardasil came out, I read that the reason the upper age limit was set at 26 is because that is the age by which most women have lost their virginity. (Gardasil is given before you become sexually active, so that you don't catch HPV.)

I turn 27 next month, I have no insurance (and have been denied Medicaid twice) and there's no way in hell I can afford $130 per shot, for 3 shots. (I really can't even afford a payment plan, unless they'll take like $5 a month.) I'm a virgin. As long as I remain a virgin, can I still get the shot later on?

My general doctor and GYN seem to want to rush me to get the first shot before my birthday. As far as I can tell, though, there is no magic switch that flips the minute I turn 27, saying I can no longer get the vaccine. Is there any reason beyond virginity to not give Gardasil over that age? Will it be hard to find a doctor who will vaccinate me later on?

(FWIW, so there is no doubt - I'm not a "technical virgin" - the farthest I've gone with a guy is that I've been kissed on the cheek.)

libido odds

Anonymous — Wed, 23 May 2007 07:48:45 -0800

What is the likelihood my girlfriend will ever get any sort of horny? I am a late 20s involuntary virgin male. I've been very sexually frustrated (and therefore depressed) since high school, never being able to convince any girls to like me, though Lord did I try. (I'm maybe average looking - I've at least worked out and stayed fit since I was 13, solely to try and impress females - but sort of low status and introverted, both in high school/college and post-college). Finally a year ago I did successfully court a pretty girl and had my first kiss. She was 20 and also never kissed anyone. (which is a good thing, because I felt really off schedule) We had some eager make out sessions in the early days and we steadily progressed through the bases, and she went on the pill. Many downsides followed:

- Every time I tried to sexually penetrate her, she says it hurts, (or makes an intense grimace) and so I stop. My penis is not big and we've tried plenty of lube.

- Despite giving her oral sex every week, she said she found the idea of giving me oral sex reflexively upsetting. She associates it with rape and male oppression. *shrug* (no, she has never been sexually abused. Certain.)

- Every time I give her oral sex or kiss her, she lays there bored, completely motionless, and tired. Many times she does fall asleep.

None of this is because she is conservative or 'not ready' for sex. This is obvious for a number of reasons, including her say so and her opinions. About 6 months in she cries and says she lost her libido entirely. She strongly suspects the pill and says she needs to get off of it. She does. 6 months later her libido has not returned (it's disappeared) and we still have not had sex due to her lack of desire and pain. No sort of kissing or anything interests her or turns her on anymore either. Recently she cried again, she finds this very upsetting. She wants to be horny, and finds horny and sex to be desirable and valuable things. She is certain something biological is going on - and is convinced it was the pill, because she was incredibly horny before that.

But I think there is a confounding factor - she went on the pill shortly after she met me - it seems just as likely I slowly killed her libido by being unattractive (in status, awesomeness, appearance, personality) and a lousy lover. Obviously nothing I do is pleasing to her body, and she never seems smitten at all with me (she says 'sometimes' she feels attracted to me, if I ask)

I have never been a pig about her lack of desire or anything else, nor have I ever displayed any "self-pity" in front of her. Though I have always encouraged her to be open about what I can or shouldn't do to help her. (She doesn't know)

She's got her womanly checkup in a couple of weeks, and she will inquire.

I really like my girlfriend - we are best friends, each other's only friends, in fact- but honestly I've been ready to have a sexual relationship for what seems like forever, and it sucks being a statistical outlier on such an important part of being a human being. My best years are almost gone and I want a healthy sexual relationship. My Internet research is not encouraging that her problem has an obvious source or will ever go away. Scientists seem to know nothing about the mysterious female libido. I'm not optimistic about her clinic visit.

My question for the crowd is what are the odds things will ever change? What are the odds that I am really the problem? How long should I wait? Should I breakup with her for both our sakes? (yes I'll wait until after the clinic's opinion - she might have a tumor or something. Probably not.) I've spent so long with such pitiful luck trying to win female affection that it really seems like I'll never be able to get what I've got now (however incomplete), but I honestly feel like I'm standing in her way of getting the sexuality she wants too. Meanwhile I invest a lot of money, emotions, and energy into this relationship, and yet she doesn't seem to feel much for me emotionally either. Never bought me a present, paid me compliment, and hints that I almost certainly have an assigned expiration date. Meanwhile when I give her presents, compliments, etc, she doesn't respond with much emotion. She hints that it upsets her how little she is able to feel for me emotionally as well. (she doesn't have any other friends, and hasn't really since grade school, and it doesn't seem like she feels many good emotions for anybody outside her small nuclear family.) She agrees I make her happy, if I ask.

I'm not much better than her socially, and in fact her companionship kept me from what was a near-suicidal loneliness and emptiness. So this is tough. But I certainly do not want to keep putting a draining investment into a relationship that will likely never have any sort of normal sexual desire and behavior. On the other hand I do not want to break up with her if there is a chance I am overlooking a problem with a likelihood of a cure. My ignorance is calculating this likelihood.

Help with lack of romantic experience?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 May 2007 07:03:33 -0800

Help me get past my staggering lack of romantic experience. I'm a thirty-one year old heterosexual woman, reasonably successful, reasonably intelligent, reasonably fashionable, and, by most accounts, reasonably attractive. I'd never be mistaken for a supermodel, but I have a decent body and a pretty face. I run distances, eat well, and take care of myself. I'm quite social, have lots of friends, male and female, and can put on a good show of confidence, even when I lack it completely.

That said: I haven't had a date in three years. I haven't had a boyfriend, well, ever, unless you count the high school friend who made out with me for a couple weeks senior year and then came out of the closet the week before prom. Distressingly, I'm still a virgin, which is (trust me when I say this) incredibly weird at this point. It's not deliberate (I'm not religious, nor have I ever been). Nor is it for lack of trying. It's just that I'm rarely approached (last time was at least a year ago) and the guy who approached me was at least thirty years my senior.

These days, socially and professionally, I’m often the lone girl in the boy’s club. And the boys tell me I’m cool and smart and fabulous and cute. I have no trouble earning their respect. But I’m never the girl they want to date. And it doesn’t seem to matter how many pairs of high heels I wear and tubes of lipstick I buy, they still seem to have a hard time remembering that I’m a woman (I actually hear this a lot).

My mother and my female friends believe that my problem is that I’m not vulnerable enough, that I’m more inclined to debate and tease than I am to coo and titter. But it seems to me that thirty-one years old is a perfectly absurd time to start pretending to be a blushing schoolgirl, when it’s clearly evident to everyone around me (a lot of whom, at this point, know exactly who I am) that I’m not.

I suspect, at base, this is a self-confidence issue. I'm an old hat at unrequited love, a shameless romantic, having spent much of my life during and since puberty, pining after boys who never pined after me (though a few were my close friends). I’ve been rejected often. Sometimes humiliatingly so. Factor in some bullshit baggage left over from my attractive, talented, and hypercritical family members and you sort of end up with me trying desperately to figure out which way is up, and what the hell I’m doing so wrong.

This is a godawful, mewling mess of a question, but I guess I’m just looking for ideas, advice, anything. What does one do? How do you convince someone that you’re desirable? That you might be worthy of their romantic attention, a little affection, a little seduction, a little sex? Or maybe even, because I sort of never got it the first time around, the grown-up equivalent of a mixtape, a goodnight kiss, and reasonable odds that he’ll call the next day?

Teaching the Non-Rational Part of Yourself that Risk Isn't Always Pain?

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 17:10:29 -0800

How do you convince a part of your brain that seems unaccessible by cognitive function, yet holds beliefs that are affecting your life poorly? The combination of two such "unalterable" opinions has me currently locked into a course that will exacerbate, not solve, some very long-lasting problems. Through therapy and a great deal of thought, I've realized that there are two subjects on which my undercore (for lack of a better word: it seems to suit things better than unconscious or hindbrain) does not seem to be able to budge, despite the fact that my intellect has tried to exert a great deal of effort over years of my life to alter it. No matter how much I mentally batter at the gates, it feels almost like a phildickian reality split in my brain: my intellect can fully accept a position and know that it's the right and more healthy way to feel, but that doesn't affect my undercore's certainty that the opposite position is true.

The first issue is that I am revulsed by my physical body. I'm morbidly obese with a very long road to hoe back to "normal". My intellect understands the 'reality' of knowing that I'm not horrid, that there are others far worse in appearance due to malformity and so on, and that a woman could look at me and perhaps see something I don't that would make me pleasant in appearance to her. Furthermore, I have known women in love with fat men — and there's been no disagreement in my head between intellect and undercore that those women actually did love the fat men they loved. Acknowledging a reality for others and yet saying that that very same reality does not apply to you is irrational, but that undercore doesn't decide things rationally, and it nonetheless holds as unrevokable reality that my obesity is so very disgusting that I could not possibly be a focal point of romantic interest to anyone. And as unkind as it is, while my intellect is really pretty kink-tolerant, my undercore holds a pretty poor opinion of the kink wherein obesity is sexy.

To clarify: yes, I can anticipate women responding below to this that their boyfriend is quite overweight and they love him. The problem is that my intellect reads, understands, and adopts those words; the undercore doesn't seem to have any sort of input mechanism by which I can affect its beliefs. My intellect can understand that there are people with horrifying deformities who are loved (warning: tragic photos linked to in MeFi story) and even made love to; again, this undercore doesn't seem to want to move. This has the sum effect of all of me being utterly blind to any signals of romantic attraction a woman might be giving me. Since the undercore has said that a woman cannot be attracted to my bulk, any possible signs go into the bitbucket, just as if purple disappeared from my life. I seem to be nigh-autistic (no offense intended, but it seems an apt metaphor) when it comes to the hidden "language" of romance — I simply seem to have no (or, perhaps, some but very little) ability to differentiate a girl flirting with me from a girl just being nice to me.

The second issue is that this undercore seem to believe that making myself open and vulnerable is a one-to-one ratio for emotional pain. In the past 10 years, the three short-term relationships I've had — really, the only ones of my life — have all ended with abrupt, painful, reamed-out "jab the fork in the nuts" kind of endings. I was first good friends with a girl in college who I realized didn't treat me nearly as well as I loved her. I ended the friendship for my own sake. A few years later, I met a girl on the subway in a classic movie-romance scenario: she was reading a book by my favorite author. We talked for hours without realizing the time that had passed, it was all quite classic. Then, one day, she just stopped writing; looking over our past interactions for a clue, I found buried in an earlier e-mail a sentence telling me she sometimes tended to be very social and then hide. I licked my wounds and eventually tried to open up again. A year that was absolute stark flipping hell (for non-romantic reasons) followed, but life upswung: I found a nice job, and a cute girl at said job who was charming, intellectual, well-read, and sending tons of signals (a viewpoint corroborated by MeFites in a past thread). It turned out she wasn't, though, and that entire thing fell apart painfully over the months after that, even despite attempts to swallow my pride and keep the friendship going.

Consequently, this undercore now can't be shaken from the belief that this screwy chance-cycle isn't going to screw me over every time I make myself vulnerable to love (or even friendship), since it's screwed me over each time I've made myself vulnerable to same before (cf. learned helplessness). I'm finding that if I'm in a situation where my mind is urging me to open myself up to risk, terror results. That sort of "closure, protect-vulnerability instinct" now seems to be stronger than even the parts of me I can influence by intellect and rational thinking. (What's more, there are rational arguments for hopelessness that enlist my intellect as well: the dangerous thought of how few relationships actually seem to survive — the number of relationships where people bail, and the percentage that make it past marriage's initial hiccups to stability, for example. Or the thought of how it feels certain that a woman might flee for her life once she becomes aware of my utter lack of relationship experience and physical experience. If it's taken most of my life to get to Relationship Chance #1, would it take the rest of my life to get to Relationship Chance #2?)

The problems these two issues have created, aside from their mere existence? I have never been with a woman, never had a long-term relationship. I've not even really made out that much, which inspires insanity in today's hypersexualized world. I've French-kissed. And although I've done a pretty good job of living my life alone, I have a very deep-seated loneliness and desire for companionship — not just for what I could receive, but for what I could give. These issues have affected my ability to hope; I used to believe that things had at least a chance of working out someday and that gave me enough power to push past the "closure, protect-vulnerability instinct," but now that instinct rules the roost. My intellect recognizes that if these precepts continue to rule my behavior, my fears run the risk of becoming self-fulfilling; that's why I want to make a course correction now. But given that the undercore seems to have no input mechanism to alter its beliefs, I'm not sure of how to go about changing things, since it seems to have the power to override cognitive-based actions.

Some codas that didn't fit in anywhere else: (i) I am in therapy, and my therapist has agreed wih me that Ask MeFi has resulted in some really intelligent and meaningful answers before. (ii) I am not on antidepressants, and am very loathe to consider them except as a last resort, since they seem to harm others more often than they help; I won't rule them entirely out, but dislike the idea intensely. (iii) I am aware enough of my own behavior on those few dates I've had to know that I am not doing any big no-nos: no overt or subtle acts of desperation or trying to get close too fast, etc. Pleasant conversations, showing interest in her life and interests, etc. — I don't think I've broken any major tenets.

Am I too crazy to be in a relationship with a virgin?

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 22:13:45 -0800

I never thought that I would ask a relationship question, but I also never thought that I would be 28 and dating a virgin. Please help me with my virgin (and my craziness). A little background: I've been overweight my whole life, regardless of what I ate. Last year I was diagnosed with PCOS and as many of the symptoms, such as ease in gaining weight and difficulty losing it, are tied to how my body processes insulin, it was recommended by my doctor that I give up my 12 year vegetarian diet and try a more low carb diet. I did so and managed to lose about 90 pounds in a year and a half. I have about 60 more to lose before I'll be at a weight that I'm comfortable with, and I promised myself that I would not get involved with anyone during this time, as my weight has ALWAYS ruined my relationships, regardless of my partner's feelings on the subject. Enter, the virgin.

He sent me an e-mail a few months ago (we both like a relatively obscure musician) and we started e-mailing daily. It was pretty obvious after the first two messages that we were on the same wavelength, which rarely happens for me, and is seemingly similarly rare for him. We decided to meet (even though I heard alarm bells) and our first date lasted about 8 hours and was wonderful. At the end of it we made out for a bit, which is no big deal for me. But he e-mailed me the next day and at the very end of the e-mail he confessed that he was a virgin.

At that time I was involved with someone in a purely sexual capacity, because having decided to not get romantically involved, I still wanted to, you know, get some. I told my 24 year old virgin that I wasn't looking for a relationship, but only for sex at this time in my life, and he was pretty okay with that and volunteered to replace my other guy.

We had a second date at which time we attempted sex, but he was unable to get a full erection. We tried again the week after, but this time, while he could get an erection, he couldn't sustain it upon penetration. In the meantime, our dates had become progressively longer and sweeter and more wonderful. We made the decision to not try to have sex again for a while, and to do "everything but" which has been a lot of fun, though he hasn't been able to reach ejaculation. I can really only get myself off so my lack of orgasm isn't worrisome.

My issues are thus:

- I spend most of the time that we're not together worried about my weight and whether or not that is a factor in his inability to get off.
- He has no issue at all getting an erection lately, but now that we're more emotionally involved, I think we're both too freaked out about it possibly not working to try again anytime soon, which is kind of going to be a problem, because I really enjoy having sex. We've discussed me having other sexual partners, but I'm not really the sort who sees more than one person at a time, and I wouldn't want him to get the idea that i'm not satisfied with our relationship.
- I am not currently emotionally equipped to deal with any of this. Before I got involved with him, I was happier every day with my body, and now I'm back to hating myself and feeling worthless. The fact that warmer weather (and having to wear less flattering clothing around him) is coming does not help with my anxiety.
- It feels like we're falling in love with each other, and I wonder if I should end it before that happens.

I also wonder if he's just become so accustomed to sex being between his hand and porn (which I can relate to completely) that he's having issues transitioning to real girl sex. But, in that vein, I wonder if he's spent all of this time fantasizing about blond hardbodies and is having difficulty becoming aroused by a very non-blond softbody. He says that it's not that, but it's not really something you would admit to the person you're seeing. We'e discussed pretty much everything and he's very understanding even when he doesn't understand.

The fact that this is bothering me so much and is making me feel so awful about myself makes me think logically that I should just end it now before we get even more emotionally involved. But we really do get along insanely well and he feels kind of like home already. So, should I end it? Or any advice with coping with my doubts? I also want to stress that when we're together, I hardly ever think about any of this; there are no words for how happy he makes me.

Vanessac1980@gmail.com if you have any questions.

When does sex stop being painful (and start being possible)?

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Sep 2006 20:14:24 -0800

Did penetrative sex 'work' for you the first time? If not, how long was it before it did? I'm asking this question so I can put my own (and my girlfriend's) experience into some context. We are both virgins (21 years old) who decided to start having sex a year ago. It simply didn't fit, and since then we've tried everything and it's still not fitting. Currently we can manage 2 fingers with some discomfort.

A friend of mine said that for him and his girlfriend they had the same problem, and it took them 6 months before they could manage penetration. A friend of my girlfriend's decided to have sex for the first time 3-4 months ago and they're still trying to get it to work. Although I can't vouch for them, I'm in a great relationship and with the exception of penetrative sex (we've pretty much come to expect that it's not going to work, although we do keep trying by inserting fingers gradually) we do enjoy a great sex life.

Although any help would be welcome, I'm mostly wanting to hear about other peoples' experiences to better understand mine. We know that what we're experiencing isn't normal, but how far from normal is it?

I understand that this is a personal question that some may not want to reply to publicly. If you want to email me, I'm at mefi.anonymous@gmail.com.

. . . ahh, anonymous posting

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Sep 2006 05:01:02 -0800

Condoms, penis size, and virginity. . . My girlfriend and I are both virgins, but inertia suggests that state won't go on. Safety is a problem though, and I really do *not* want to fuck up on this issue. I'm East Asian and I suspect I am underendowed compared to most Western guys. I bought the normal LifeStyles condoms and gave them an, ahem, preliminary test and they slipped off pretty easy, being too loose around the base. I went to the store again and the only other stated condom sizes available (across all brands) were 'Large' and 'Extra Large'. No 'Small' and 'Extra Small', or euphemisms I could detect, even though you think the implied normal curve would require this!

[Seemingly it would be most logical if safe length and circumference ranges for the product were stated on the boxes, then I wouldn't need to buy 100 different condom brands and styles just to see if any happened to fit]

I am 4.5 inches erect, with a circumference of 4 inches. Is there a regular brand or method I should try? How else can I maximize my chances of this aspect of sex not creating a disaster? Also what are the worst virginity sex mistakes and how can I avoid them?

Virginity is actually driving me insane ...

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Jul 2006 20:12:53 -0800

Here's the problem: I'm fat, I'm balding, I'm in my early thirties, I'm a virgin, and I am beginning to very much need sex. I never expected to get to my early thirties and still be a virgin, but I'm here. I went to a very conservative religious college where getting caught having sex was punishable by expulsion; that having been said, sex was had there by many and I really can't blame the institution for my virginity. I don't know what aspect of my personality or of my appearance has scared away women, or caused romances to fail, but we're getting near an impasse. Then, when I moved to a big city, I got lost amongst the millions; coming here already with a substantial weight around my middle, I just got larger, and I'm now well over three hundred.

I'm not only virginal (I'm hetero, if it matters), I'm severely physically and romantically inexperienced (to use the admittedly juvenile baseball metaphor, once with a college friend in first base, and once a stripper in another city I was visiting allowed me to get to second base) ...

... and I really don't have a good sense of when a natural relationship is going to arise wherein I'm going to be able to have sex as normal people do. Additionally, I face the added problem of being morbidly obese and having a large bald spot in the back of my head, making it unlikely that women are going to look at me and go, "Mmm-mmm, gotta get me some of that." (That last bit said in a tone of bleak black humor ... probably won't come across as well in text.)

I don't think I look bad, precisely: I think I've got good hair [from the front ;-)] and kind eyes and a good smile and a friendly, amiable personality and good conversational skills. I told a good friend I was a virgin, and he was blown away, for the very fact that I do seem to be able to break into conversation so easily with fellow employees at our mutual employer. But take the shirt off or the slacks off and I'm most definitely very, very, very, very, very far down on the "impressive physical specimen" scale. Do you remember the SNL skit when Chris Farley tried out for Chippendale's? (If not, it's findable on YouTube.) Add about 25-40% more weight to his figure in that scene, and that'll give you a visual idea of my appearance.

So, you tell me, go diet, work out, get fit. I've tried, for ten years now. I don't know what blocks my weight loss efforts, what's in my head. And even if I did, without abdominoplasty, I'm not going to look good with the excess skin that'll be left. And that's not the issue I really want to address here, either. What's really at issue here is that I'm beginning to absolutely go stark, raving, absolute bonkers because I've never had sex in my life and my libido is more and more getting far out of control.

I mean, think about human sexuality. Think about your own drives — the basic premise of looking at a beautiful woman and going she is beautiful, and I wish to [bleep] with her until the rooster crows. Now think about what it would be to have a perfectly natural sex drive that had absolutely no opportunity to express itself fully in over thirty-two years, and if you have good enough of an imagination, you'll see the brink of insanity I'm standing upon.

As it is, sad enough, every six to nine months I'll go down to a strip club and pay half a grand for a two-hour "V.I.P." session. Thanks to Puritanism, my city pretty much prohibits any sort of contact between a stripper and a patron. If visiting there was a scene out of Showgirls, I'd probably be pretty fine, at least libido-wise. But instead, time with a stripper in my town is more like The McLaughlin-Lehrer Report. (Admittedly, Jim Lehrer isn't a 20-something female with long hair and boobs that dances naked in front of you to '80s music.) Pretty much all "V.I.P." gives you in my town is entire nudity very, very close to you. And although that's nice, it pales after a while, too.

I've endured celibacy for a while, but I'm beginning to actually feel the breakdown of my endurance on this particular matter. Don't get me wrong, though. Somehow, part of the way I'm made up is the premise if it's not sexy for her, it's not sexy, meaning that it just would feel gross and wrong to do something like subway flashing or groping. And rape would never be something I'd consider even in the darkest and most frantic of moments, trust me. So when I say I'm close to breaking down on the "not having sex" front, I don't know what a post-breakdown would be like. But I just know that I'm getting close.

But I'm totally at a loss as to what to do next. I'd like to do something to have sex rather soon, even if it turns out it's not going to be with someone who actually loves me in return. That was the original dream, but hell, at least I have a good job, a place to live, etc. We don't always get everything we dream for.

I mean, I'm not the kind of guy that can walk into a bar and walk out into an evening of cheap sex. I don't have that skillset or the necessary appearance.

And I frankly have no idea how to go about hiring a "professional" (and I'm not even sure we can discuss that here, due to its illegality).

But at the same time, I'm beginning to really fray around the edges, and I don't know what to do or where to go next with this.

P.S. The first one who tells me I'm "putting the [ahem] on a pedestal" gets shot. I don't have the gorgeous Catherine Keener, a crew of well-connected streetwise, funny friends, or a '60s hippie musical number over end credits awaiting me.

Look out, world

thirteenkiller — Sat, 18 Feb 2006 18:49:27 -0800

How can I get over my confidence issues and find a girlfriend (or boyfriend) in Ft. Wayne, Indiana? Although there are people who care for me, like the person posting this question, and people in town with whom I sometimes go out and consume alcohol, I have still managed to convince myself that I am unattractive and have no friends.

I'm not physically unattractive but sometimes I sorta have a bad attitude. I like to talk about how I'm gonna kill myself because nobody loves me and I'll never find a girlfriend and I'll never lose my virginity and stuff like that. So, how can I turn my life around? By the way I don't want to go to college. Also if enough people seem interested, maybe I will post a pic. Seriously though, I am both cute and clever but just too cranky and shy and I have myself convinced I suck when really I don't. How do I get over this?

By the way, how unusual is it for a 21 year old boy to be a virgin?

Guys view on virginity

trampesque — Thu, 08 Sep 2005 10:09:00 -0800

Would it scare off a guy to know that I'm 21, have never had a relationship (short or long term) and am still a virgin? I know it's unusual and weird.. trust me, I think about it everyday.
Without going on a *love myself* rampage, I am considered very attractive, funny and interesting. However, due to various circumstances (i.e. me being a little too keen and driving them away) I find that the guys I fall for either just want to sleep with me or aren't interested at all, so I've never had a relationship or more than a first date. I find it very easy to chat someone up and get past the first stage of, I don't know, kissing, swapping numbers, etc, but never further than that.
It seems that those I do tell I am a virgin get scared off... maybe they're just not prepared to deal with a commitment (because I want to be in a relationship with the first person I sleep with) or maybe they just don't want to waste their time knowing they won't get anywhere fast.

I don't really know what I'm asking.. I just want to know what guys think about this. Whether I'm really abnormal and they'd steer well clear, or whether most of them would think it was worth the wait?

First time sex advice?

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Jun 2005 08:56:22 -0800

So my girlfriend and I have decided we're going to have sex. First time for both of us even though we're both adults. We're going to go away for a weekend to do it. Any advice for making it great? What do you wish had been different about your first time?

Mid-Life Virgin?

Anonymous — Sat, 30 Apr 2005 10:06:35 -0800

I am a 30-year-old Chicago male, and I am still a virgin. Indeed, I've not done much physically in my life; although I have dated women and have had some physical moments, I have only French-kissed a girl once, and have only touched a woman's breasts once while at a New York strip club a very long time ago (with her permission).

Why so? Well, I never was very popular with women, although I have had a few very short relationships scattered over the last 15 years or so. I suppose the biggest three are that (1) I went to an ultraconservative college where curfews were enforced and sex was punishable by expulsion; (2) I moved to Chicago a year after graduating; and (3) during college and the years after, I gained a considerable amount of weight. I now weigh 325 pounds. Let's make it clear: I intend to lose the weight, and indeed already have lost a relatively good amount. I may even wait on dating until I'm much closer to my ideal weight.

You guys gave good advice to totally_generic in a thread a while ago. (I am not him; I merely ran across the link to that old thread when t_g recently posted asking directions as to hire a prostitute, as it's certainly a thought that's crossed my mind.) That gave me the courage to seek your advice on this one.

So ... I have two questions for the MeFi crowd.

First, how rare are 30-year-old male virgins? Has anyone here lost their virginity after 30? (I suppose I mean to exclude from this question people who purposefully made a choice to abtain prior to marriage.) Does anyone have any (preferably recent) links or materials as to the age when men lose their virginity? Even if I knew that it was as low as 1% of the population, that still lets me think to myself that that probably translates into at least 100 or 200 guys in the same boat here in Chicago, and ten or twenty thousand nationally. It would let me feel a little less like the Only Virginal Freak in the World.

My second question is for the women here. Please tell me, honestly, what your reaction to a partner would be if he told you he was a virgin. Don't try to spare my feelings, because I frankly need your honesty here. My initial desire is to be honest with whomever my first partner is, because we'll be in a caring relationship, and heck, for all I know, it might be a positive thing in their eyes. But I've heard from a few (male) friends of mine that this is something I shouldn't reveal ... that it will make them wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Of course, there's also the fact that my first time will probably very obviously be my first time to my partner whether I tell her or not.

So, *thud*, there's the question(s). I await with no small amount of terror the responses ...

Should virgins kiss and tell?

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Jan 2005 11:09:51 -0800

DatingFilter: I'll kiss on the first date (hell, make out on the first date if it's going well). I'm pretty outgoing in general, and I don't think anybody would ever suspect I'm a Virgin and plan to be one until marriage. When do I tell? Is it weird that I feel bad kissing a guy on the first date and not telling him (point blank: Am I leading him on)? Help me out, please.