Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with violence

Depersonalizing media violence

crazycanuck — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 01:55:07 -0800

Now that I'm a mother, I'm hypersensitive to portrayals of child abuse or child death in movies and books. I just woke up from a nightmare induced by a novel that culminated in the murder of a child. How do I depersonalize violent media depictions of children? It's a terrible feeling to have some book or some movie eat away at me because I've inappropriately projected the situation onto my own daughter and let the book/movie play off irrational parental fears.

What do I say if/when she goes back to the man who might kill her?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:09:44 -0800

My friend's on-again/off-again nonstop crazy drama relationship just turned physically abusive six days ago. Now they are separated, again, and hopefully for good. I have reason to believe that the separation won't last, and I don't know how I could or should deal with that. Please help. My 21 year friend old has been dating a man named Charles for the past two years. we actually met through Charles- I was his math tutor and next door neighbor (not anymore, we live in different cities now), after he started dating her we met and clicked, becoming fast friends. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding and I love her!

Her relationship with Charles degenerated to a less than ideal state shortly after knowing each other. Charles is an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, mildly sociopathic, violent, rich kid ne'er-do-well, with a napolean complex. She has had problems of her own, but she means well and has a heart of gold. She would never hurt a soul, but she is not very talented at standing up for herself by any stretch of the imagination.

Their relationship has always been the breakup (with screaming fights) and makeup (with wine and roses) twice a month kind. I never minded hearing the seemingly cyclical tales of what was new with her and Charles every time we saw eachother. I am now 26 and happily married to my adorable devoted husband in the healthiest relationship I could ever conceive of, but when I was her age (21) I was involved in a similar situation a drama filled on/off relationship.

I understand very much the addictive qualities of that type of cyclic relationship. It's being in a world of your own with one other person, routinely feeling suicidal and happy passion beyond words in the course of a single day.

Recently, her and Charles took a turn for the very very worst. A drunken altercation led to him punching her in the back, trapping her in his apartment to pin her on the bed and scream at her, pulling her hair to not let her escape, and chasing her into the street in his boxers when she escaped and ran to her car and drove home.

I am grateful she is alive. She says she is done with him and her mother is getting her into therapy. But I am very concerned that this is not the end of her and him. Subtle signs when we talked about the incident lead me to believe that she is keeping the door in her mind open. These are:

1. She will not file a police report against him, despite the pleas of myself and her mother, which may be reasonable considering he comes from a very wealthy family that would probably try to file all sorts of defamation/libel lawsuits against her and make her life hell.

2. She said she was done with him forever, and in the same conversation said that she told him she would speak to him in several months after he received treatment.

Charles has already started in with the denials/apologies/baby I would never hurt yous.

Anyway, my question: what do I do if she goes back to him? what do I say, how do I react? I don't want to and won't cut her out of my life, but I'm not sure how to handle it if she tells me she is in contact with Charles again in any capacity. I've told her if she sees him again after this, I consider it likely she will end up raped and/or in a body bag. So what do I do if she does see him again, which I'm afraid to admit is a very strong possibility?

Also, I've read the gift of fear, but any other books that might help me I'd be happy to know about.

Middle school drama or more?

kbar1 — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 17:05:02 -0800

How worried should I be that the broken heart of a 13 year old boy will result in violence – or, should I say, more violence? I’m a single parent and my only child is 11. Within the first week of school she told me that a 13 year old boy had asked her to be his girlfriend - she told him no. She and I talked about it and were in full agreement that 7th grade is too young to be claiming boyfriend/girlfriend status. This boy has continued to pursue her on almost a daily basis. I encouraged her to be consistently firm but polite in turning him down.

This week another boy in the class stood up for my daughter and claimed that she was his girlfriend. According to my daughter, this was just a fib to deter the first boy. I discouraged the telling of lies (oh, what a tangled web . . .) and further explained she is not an object to be possessed. Yesterday, the first boy threatened to hurt anyone who took her away from him. At the end of the school day he ran up behind the second boy and punched him in the back of the head with a closed fist, leaving a lump.

It all sounded like typical middle school drama until I heard about the threat and the actual follow through with hitting. My daughter has expressed that she is now frightened. I don’t want to feed into the drama, but I also don’t want to ignore a potentially dangerous situation.

What do you think? Should I be worried or should I just let this blow over? Should I demand disciplinary action for the boy? Should I enroll my daughter in karate?

Man versus Cow - how can the human emerge the victor?

tastybrains — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 19:29:56 -0800

Would it be possible for a regular person to kill an adult cow with their bare hands if they absolutely had to (like for reasons of self defense or honor)? If so, how would you do it?

Yes...this is for a fiction project. No...no actual cows will be harmed, I promise.)

What is it like to be a volunteer victim advocate?

kathrineg — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 11:39:22 -0800

What is it like to be a volunteer victim advocate? I am looking for personal experiences or descriptions of what it is like to be a volunteer victim advocate on an Emergency basis, not on an ongoing basis. Thank you.

Is my friend's fiance a domestic abuser? If so, now what?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:30:56 -0800

How can I tell if my friend's fiance is an abuser and if he is, what can I do to help her realize she needs to leave him? My friend and her fiance had a violent incident over the weekend at my house. He left and she was very resolved about breaking up with him. Over the next few days, she seemed to be searching for reasons to explain away why he became violent: alcohol, medication, a recent accident, job loss. I'm very concerned that she is not going to end the relationship.

More background. I have had a very bad feeling about this guy since they began dating. Murky past relationship history (including divorce), not good relationship with his mother (says "he has no respect for her"). A several months ago we were with her when they were fighting by phone and text, and he was very very verbally abusive. He'd been drinking. Her reaction at the time was "do I want this to be the father of my children?" We all agreed it was bad and she should cut it off, but by the next morning they were reconciled.

They have a very distrustful and rocky relationship overall, including jealousy on his part about her past hookups or boyfriends. He told me (the same night he attacked her) that he was very concerned about her ability to be faithful to him.

He also has said very offensive things about women to my husband and others in our group. We don't know this guy very well. We are a group that can have a sense of humor that is sometimes crass, but this guy's comments were just plain odd.

After the incident at my house, she confessed that recently his behavior has been physically intimidating - breaking dishes at home, shaking her, other threatening behavior -- during arguments.

So I'm trying to figure out how to 1) tell if he will be violent again; 2) if he is, what can I do/say to encourage her to leave him?

BTW - he has already given her the "I've never done this I'll never do it again I'll quit drinking any everything will be okay." She's been saying "he's so loving when he's not drinking." I know lots of drinkers, and even some alcoholics, but none of themm are violent, jealous, rage-aholics. Hence my fear that the drinking is not the issue.

Do any of you have somewhere to point me to tell if this guy has a bad and repetitive pattern? Can I get any information about his past to see if this has been a problem before? Anyone have this experience with a friend and been successful in getting her out of the relationship before it's too late (ie wedding and kids)?

How do you legally react to perceived violence over the internet?

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 13:35:28 -0800

Someone has threatened to come to my home after I specifically told them not to on a message board. What can I legally do? I live in NYS. After repeated threats of perceived violence against myself and others, this person is suggesting he will show up at my house whenever he wants to via said message board. I know, it says a lot about the owner of the message board to let this continue. I have screenshots, web archives and files showing the continued perceived threats. The latest, showing up my house, is really bothering me. What can I legally do to make this type of behavior stop.

Yes, the person does know where I live. And no, the owners of the site have done little to curtail this behavior other than banning him and letting him back on .. only to RSVP for a gathering I was having at my house.

I slapped my Girlfriend

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:00:38 -0800

I am not a violent person. I wanted to know if anyone who considers them self nonviolent has been in a violent relationship or used violence in a relationship. Background - A while ago I put up a post related to my girlfriends cheating. She asked me to take it down and I have since had it removed. To make a long story short, she had 2 lives and was dating someone else during the entire first 3 years of our relationship. He was her boyfriend for a total of 8 years. I was the other guy that never knew. Anyway I changed my life for this person which included leaving my job, moving from another country, moving into her apartment, etc. As you can imagine I was pretty upset with the whole thing. From about a year prior to discovering the truth I had strong suspicions that things were not as she was telling me. This part is complicated and for the sake of being concise, I will just leave it there. In the past other people have told me that I must have known. All I can say is that she did everything she could to protect her secret. When the story finally broke (I broke it by waiting outside all night and catching her with him) everyone went their separate ways. He left her for good, and she left me and told me I had ruined her life.

Over the next months I missed her like crazy. I went away on vacation for a while to try to escape the whole thing but even there she was still the focus of my thoughts. Despite all the good advice I had received from my friends, family, the metafilter community, I began to push her to try again. At that point I had invested so much (and honestly before having suspicions, this was in the best relationship of my life and I was ready to marry this person) and I only thought it reasonable to give things another try. This would be the first real chance we had ever had. During the month apart and early into the restart, she explained to me that what had happened was a terrible mistake, one that she hated the whole time and that she couldn’t get out of. She met me while traveling, cheated on her BF with me, and over time began to fall in love with me. Ultimately she ended up loving 2 people and was incapable of leaving either of us. She didn’t want to hurt anyone. This was not the person she wanted to be and she was seeing someone to help her be that person and come to grips with what she had done. I went for the story however over the next months began to doubt if it was quite as simple as she explained things. For example, the consequences for me to be with her (i.e. moving and leaving my job) under false pretence, presented such a great risk to my life and livelihood that her love for me should have helped her to make a hard but correct decision. If you truly love someone as she said she did with me, you would never put them in a position where your actions could have negative consequences on them. In fact it should be exactly the opposite. There were times that I thought I would do anything for this person if it meant making her life better, shouldn’t she do the same for me?

To the point – In the end we got back together however it was never easy, we didn’t trust each other, there were things she was asking for that were not in line with what she said she wanted to be. For example we agreed to go see a dr together - this never happened. We agreed that we would begin to integrate our friends, something which was partly missing during the first round of our relationship– never happened. To make a long story short after about 2 months we agreed that we had tried to restart too soon, and we would take a 1 month break to reassess the situation. This is more complicated than it sounds because there was an official break up, then promises of fidelity during the break, conversations about how much we missed each other during the break, sex, etc. Basically it was clear that things were unclear but really hadn’t moved forward.

I made a big mistake – Early in the break I fooled around with a girl at a wedding. Not to make excuses for myself but this was the first time I had been with another woman since we were together. I went to this wedding alone, I was confused by all the mixed signals that I had received from my GF, I was tired of being alone and never having 100% of the other person. This was a meaningless encounter at the time, however during the month I began to develop a friendship with this girl. She lives in CA and I’m in NY and we began speaking on a nearly daily basis. We have lots of friends in common and it was easy to stay in touch. I guess I began replacing my GF with this new person but at the same time mostly wishing that my girlfriend was this person and would just be there for me like she once was, as this girl was. I also used this girl as a sounding board for my frustration with my GF. At the same time there was a lot happening in my life. I had just started a job after having been unemployed for 6 months, my mother had been admitted for heart surgery, I was ill for a few days, and my GF was pulling further and further away. She was frequently not sleeping at home (said she was sleeping at a sick friends house to comfort her), often not answering her calls, but still contending that she was alone and this was a break.

Last week, my GF found out that I was talking to a new person and planning a trip to meet her. She asked me and I told her. Rightfully so, I got hell for this. She told me if I went she would never speak to me again. She called me every name in the book and hit me a few times. She was understandably very upset. What I had done was wrong and my actions were completely opposite from what I had been saying to her. I canceled my trip and thought that maybe we could finally start things again. On equal terms. I was susceptible to a similar dishonesty that she was.

Over the next days she got better, instead of F U you sicko, it became I’m angry at you sweetheart. She was upset and said she needed time. I continued apologizing profusely and told her how I really felt. That this was an honest mistake and that I just missed her and didn’t want to start anything with anyone else. On the third night she called me to check in and tell me that she was going for drinks with some friends and that we could meet the next day to talk about things. And not to worry she was with friends… She forgot to hang up her phone. Over the next 20 minutes I listened to her go back to someone’s house to sleep with him… Not the old guy but a new one. One that she had once introduced me to as her friend. She had been sleeping with him for nearly, as far as I know, the whole month we were off. And possibly earlier.

The next day I went to get my things from her house. Honestly I was just looking for some kind of an explanation and a place to vent my anger. It was a surreal experience and I can’t really remember much of what happened. It might have lasted 5 minutes or 5 hours. I don’t really know. I had a mix of emotions ranging from wanting to hurt her, to wanting to be with her. During our discussion, I screamed at her and called her every name you can think of, I tried to get her to sleep with me, I destroyed some of the gifts that I had given her that were in the room, I told her I loved her, etc. It was a mess but worst of all, I slapped her in the face 4 or 5 times, not hard enough to leave a mark but hard enough that it stung. I have never hit anyone first in my life before.

I have been speaking to a therapist about what has happened. I am extremely disappointed in myself and scared of myself for what I did to her. I don’t really care what a person does but violence is not the answer. I have cried over this at times. My last image of her is her crying and telling me to please not to slap her again. It hurts me like hell. This was the person I loved more than anything in my life and now I am hitting that person. I’m not really sure what my question is but I mostly worried that I will do something like this again? The more I think of the situation, the more I realize that from the moment I first saw her that day, I was physically intimidating. I was in her face, looming, etc. I guess I used the last advantage that I had over her. I am not a violent person but I have done violence. I’m having trouble coming to grips with this. Any commentary would be greatly appreciated. Steps for the future. I can never do anything like this again.

List of clean and clear Iranian government transgressions against morality?

GenTso — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:00:29 -0800

Iranian government's worst recent and verifiable transgressions? I realize we mostly all agree a more democratic Iran is better than the pseudo-democratic, mostly theocratic system they have now, and thus we side with the pro-Mousavi protestors. But I am trying to find/put together a list of the Iranian government's worst transgressions in relation to the recent elections and resulting protests. (I have searched Mefi to no avail, and my Google-fu is not helping with clear answers as much as I thought it would - I am guessing partly because of the lack of reporters allowed - I find a lot relying too much on unverifiable sources like Twitter.)

So far, I have come up with (1)Restricting Twitters, (2) Restricting foreign reporters. There is, of course, the constant violence against protesters, but some protesters seem to be willing to get violent themselves, making murky the otherwise clear moral advantage they had. (Hoping more to find more clean and clear, irrefutable violations offensive to anyone's moral sensibilities.)

Low cost or pro bono legal aid for domestic violence / abuse victims in California?

sergeant sandwich — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 22:00:41 -0800

My friend and her ex-boyfriend got in a fight, he got violent and beat her up pretty bad. She got in the car with their baby and fled cross-country to stay with her parents. There is a hearing next month to determine custody of the child, and she doesn't want to lose the kid to what is likely going to be an abusive father. Lawyer up, right? Problem is, not a lot of money. Can you point me to any organizations in California that provide pro-bono / sliding-scale / low-cost legal aid services for abused women? So, my friend and her (now-ex) boyfriend had a child together and were living together in Fairfield, CA. In April of this year, they got in a fight over something (I don't know what), he snapped and beat the shit out of her. She took the kid and the clothes on her back and drove to her parents' house in the midwest, where she's been staying since.

There's a hearing in Fairfield at the end of July to determine the custody of the child, and she's scared that without a lawyer she's gonna lose her son and/or be forced to regularly see Mr. Violent if there's some kind of joint custody agreement.

As you can probably imagine, having to leave all your belongings and job behind on a moment's notice with toddler in tow has put her in a financial pickle, and she's having a hard time finding the $3k it will cost her to hire the cheapest lawyer she can find, and on top of that there's tickets for the flight back out to the hearing, etc. I and other friends have lent some money to help, but none of us can pony up that kind of cash on short notice.

I imagine there must be some organizations and/or social service groups which provide legal aid or representation for women who are victims of domestic violence. I've done some googling and found a few in California, but I suspect there are some knowledgeable people on AskMe who can set us on the right direction as far as finding help.

I'm not personally involved in the situation in any way, just trying to lend a hand after the fact. Any assistance anyone can provide would be appreciated in a big way.

I'm disgusted by what turns me on. Please help.

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 08:25:04 -0800

It seems like the only thing that can get me off is extremely unpleasant written erotica (details inside, to keep the front page clean). Do I have a problem? Should I see a therapist? Background info that might be relevant: I'm female, North American, raised Catholic but not at all religious, 20, and I've never had a sexual or romantic relationship of any kind. Hell, I've never even been kissed. I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but the jury is out on whether I'm asexual (I've never really felt sexually attracted to someone else, but I figure I haven't had enough experience to be sure).

I discovered masturbation a few years ago. Porn does nothing for me; I only seem to orgasm from written erotica, of the sort that can be found at the alt.sex.stories text repository and other places on the net. The problem is, the vanilla stuff is no good either. What turns me on is really horrifying and taboo content - we're talking rape, torture, pedophilia, sometimes all three at once. If I try to keep reading afterwards, or by the light of day, I'm disgusted with myself because of how vile it is, and sometimes I tell myself "never again!" but I usually manage to convince myself to rescind that in a few days or weeks. So - is this something I need to get help for? If so, is it because I shouldn't feel so guilty about things, or because I'm a despicable human being to be having this fetish in the first place?

On the one hand, I tell myself that it is only written erotica. There is definitely no one getting hurt (if I watched porn, I might be less fully convinced, but I don't so it's moot). On the other hand, if things like this and this are happening - and I read more than enough "people who like this stuff make me sick" comments on those threads - then surely people are seeing some sort of inherent wrong in material of this sort. I know that I would never rape or hurt someone - the idea of even, say, slapping someone in anger turns my stomach - but even disregarding my personal qualms, I only read male-on-female stuff and being female makes it kind of impossible to act out that scenario as an aggressor.

If this is something only confined to the dark hours of the night in my bedroom, is it still wrong? If it is wrong, can I really do anything about it aside from hate myself? I think it's been around forever (though I didn't think of it as a sexual thing until recently), since I remember reading a rape scene in a (crappy sequel to) Dune book when I was pretty young and it caught my attention in a way other sex scenes hadn't. Can something that hardwired really be ripped out, and will I have anything left after? Would I accomplish as much by just giving up ever masturbating at all?

Anyways, I'm sorry for being a bit disjointed and rambly, and very sorry if I've offended or disturbed anyone reading this. I'm confused and ashamed and would rather not see a therapist, since I'm far from wealthy, but if there's nothing else to be done I suppose I will have to take the plunge. If you're uncomfortable answering here, I have a throwaway account at : sickorjustsick@gmail.com. Thank you very much, anyone who answers; I really, really appreciate any counsel your wiser heads have to offer.

Treaty of testicular disarmament? When? Was it universal?

Free word order! — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 13:40:12 -0800

Does anyone know about a past or present culture or subculture where it is acceptable to start or end a fair fight with a cockpunch? I'm wondering if cockpunch is indeed a (rare) universal taboo - in controlled male violence - and the idea is so funny because of that. I know that in martial arts, there are moves aiming for the maximum testicular damage, but they seem to be emphasizing martial life or death -situation. Most of the violence is strongly codified; so is there a culture where f.ex. good kick in the nuts is the aim, but bruising the face is out of the question?

Since much fighting happens between siblings, there could be some complex mathematical reasons where possibility of hurting your brother's genetic material is worse in the long term than cost of upholding the taboo. If there are traditions where low blow is acceptable and in use, then this theory can be put to rest.

How to survive a strangling?

hihowareyou — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:09:02 -0800

Someone sneaks up behind you and wraps a rope or belt around your neck to choke you. What is the best way to survive? [Yes, I watch too many violent movies] e.g. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32iktipIxFw (warning: violent)

In movies you typically see the victim grabbing at their neck, but that never seems to work. I'm wondering if there are better options and what the specific tactics and risks are.

Something is just... off.

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 07:30:09 -0800

I'm completely confused about why this is bothering me so much. Can you help me figure it out? My wonderful adorable boyfriend of several years has recently begun a D&D campaign with his friends, and their typically evil characters go around murdering, stealing, and raping. Why oh why do I have no problems with the first two in games, but become incredibly frustrated when I hear about that third? I've never had the misfortune to be a victim of such an act, although I did have some very unwanted contact in some past relationships and that could be affecting how I feel. But a game is a game, right? And we have zero problems with people going around stabbing each other in games, unless we're a group of religious fanatics. So... logically, is rape that much different..?

I have no idea what to think, and if this is a legitimate concern I should be bringing up with him, and if there are logical reasons for that concern to exist...

The boyfriend in question is, again, an amazing person who has treated me with utmost respect and love and kindness, and is constantly worrying over my safety. I am 100% sure that this is not something hidden in his personality that's going to manifest in real life. I think to him, it's just like killing others in a shooter game - he doesn't seem to think anything of it, because it's so separate from reality.

But... I don't even know what I'm asking at this point..! :) Would you find it understandable to be concerned? And how can I better understand what it is that creates this separation between these different violent (virtual) acts?

How do we support our abused friend and her daughter?

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 11:30:44 -0800

Last night, a close friend of ours was the victim of a domestic dispute. Her live-in boyfriend became convinced of infidelity in the relationship (a relationship that was headed to the dumps anyway), came back to their apartment, violently pulled her off of the couch screamed at her and repeatedly punched her in the stomach. Police were called, no charges filed (Red flags here). Now she and the daughter are staying with us, but are afraid to return home. Where do we go from here? Lets call the adult female friend Lisa, the daughter Molly and the boyfriend Joe. Joe recently moved to this city to start a relationship with Lisa about three months ago. Molly is Lisa's daughter, but not Joe's. Before Joe arrived, Lisa and Molly shared the apartment with Lisa's adult male friend, Ken. Ken and Lisa are the leaseholders and only rent payers. This is taking place in Atlanta, GA.

I was not a witness to any of this, we just picked up Lisa and Molly late last night and brought them here to be safe. Lisa called the police after Joe became violent last night (they had a history of vicious arguments but no physical violence). Because Lisa defended herself and left scratch marks on Joe, but no evidence (bruises, etc) were yet visible on her, the police told her that if she pressed charges, they would be forced to arrest her as well. Joe refuses to leave the apartment and the police told Lisa that because he has been allowed to stay in the apartment for more than a week, he has legal rights as a resident and can only be removed through a lawful eviction process. From the bit of research I have been able to do, this appears to require a 30-day notice in the state of Georgia. However, it seems to me that domestic abuse law should take precedence over tenant's rights.

This website: http://www.gcadv.org/html/help/abused.html seems to suggest a Temporary Protective Order, and that seems like a way to go. Where does Lisa go from here? How can we be of the best assistance to her? I understand that you are not my lawyer, doctor, etc. etc.

Throwaway email: ConcernedFriendATL@gmail.com

Is there a situation when its good to give into an aggressive man?

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 19:46:45 -0800

Is there a situation when its good to give into an aggressive man? I live in a small place in the middle of nowhere with a few dozen other people spread out over miles and miles. My question is not a legal one; it has only to do with how to deal with a situation using both ethics and logic to decide a course of action.

My boyfriend and I have a small financial dispute with someone else in town ("Joseph"). We have basically no previous dealings with him. Joseph thinks we owe him $200 and we think we owe him nothing. We feel his position is unreasonable (and unsupported by the law). Nonetheless, we left him a check for $100 thinking it is a small town and to compromise is better than to make a fuss over an amount that, although significant, was within our means.

When Joseph got the check, he came and found me in a semi-remote location. It was broad daylight and outside, and no one was nearby. He made me take the check back, and became slightly aggressive. I told him I was feeling threatened and ask him not to stand so close. I was backed up to my car. He came closer and said, "Oh, you feel threatened? Well back up then." I edged around the car to get him out of my space.

He said a bunch of things about the merit of his position, then backed up. I didn't want to engage him while he was acting like this, but thought well it's not fair for me never to tell him my position either. I did so, and he was quiet and listened to my position. He said at the end that was fine and it doesn't change his bill, and that he's billed me.

He started repeating the phrase, "There are consequences to your actions, every action you take has consequences." I asked him what kind of consequences, does he mean litigation, and he just repeated himself or not answer or say something else. I tried to remain really calm throughout the occasion, not really engaging him emotionally.

Then, an older man that lives sort of around sometimes was driving by and my aggressor flagged him down. He then started telling this guy the whole story, emphatically and righteously, but still, I thought, aggressively. I didn't argue because I didn't feel it was fair to put this random guy in the middle; he looked like he just wanted to get away. He diplomatically said, "Well that's a relatively small amount of money. Sounds like something you all should work out," and sped off.

My aggressor gave a deadline of Friday to come up with a check for $200, "or there will be consequences." He said this several times very emphatically, and pointed at me menacingly.

A while ago, I started dating an abuser. Seeing the signs, I got out of that deal within weeks, but not without substantial fiasco and a set of slashed tires. Joseph going off like he was today, so many of the characteristics and mannerisms reminded me of that guy, and it kind of freaked me out.

I have identified several potential next actions:

1) Pay him the $200. My concern about this is I am directly rewarding very poor behavior, and is he going to think that I will pay him anything he wants whenever he demands?

2) File a police report. To be honest, unless I am going to pay him, there's no way I can't do this. I will be a sitting duck awaiting his "consequences." Please keep in mind that there are no cops for four hours, so I can't expect them to do any to prevent violent consequences, but at least there would be a record. His consequences may be nonviolent, like litigation, but the nearest court is also four hours away and seems a bit stupid to go so far over $100. I think he was intentionally ambiguous as to whether he might be violent.

3) Do both. I kind of like this if I can file a report anonymously, but I don't know about that. I think of his wife and if he could get so aggressive with me there, then I'm sure she gets it too. Once a man assaulted me (I fought him off), and I always always regretted not filing a report. Because if some other woman wasn't able to fight him off, at least there would be a record of his history.

I would not mind compromising certain ethical concerns and doing only #1 if I thought that it would actually make me safer, but I just don't know.

I would very much appreciate thoughtful suggestions, especially from people who have some experience or education with the abusive mind and remote living.

Living the clean life. Both clean from religion and clean from vice!

sixcolors — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:14:57 -0800

I would like others to explain to me why some non-Christian people abstain from certain “sinful” activities…and how to interact with them. For those who do not know my background, I grew up really sheltered and associated mostly with religious people. A little bit over a year ago, I started questioning my religion (Christianity), and started hanging around people who have different belief systems than mine. Some are atheist, agnostic, Buddhist, wiccan, and some are non-practicing Christians or Jews. It’s not just the people I hang around who have diverse beliefs, many of my classmates in grad school are non-Christians, and if they are they are mostly non-practicing.

I grew up around many people who abstained from sex, alcohol, drugs, using profane language, gambling, and violence. The first 15 years of my life, I went to a Pentecostal church, we were told flat out we would burn in hell if we engaged in the above. From age 16 on, I attended a non-denominational church, while it was more liberal than the first church, the message we received was “if you engage in sinful behavior, it will ruin your relationship with Jesus Christ, and you will become miserable”.

Well, since I became less religious, I’ve been enjoying many “worldly” activities. I no longer avoid alcohol, sexual related activities, cursing, playing poker, and watching violent movies or listening to violent music in fear of being bathed in fire and brimstone when I die. The biggest shock that came to me within the last year, is that some non-Christian people do not live the same lifestyle I do, and is more in line with the lifestyles of the people I grew up around.

An example…in one of my grad school classes we had a debate on whether there should be condom dispensers in resident halls on college campuses. There were some who students who said “no”, I was expecting most of them to be strict Christians (or Jewish or Muslims), but most of them weren’t religious of all. I’ve learned from other classroom discussion that some of those students were plain anti-sex.

Another example…I have a few friends who are pretty anti-alcohol and especially anti-drug…yet, again, non-Christian. They won’t drink even a sip, they stay far away from bars and nightclubs, and leave parties early where there’s a lot of drinking. They won’t date drinkers either. On occasion, they try to discourage US from drinking.

I’m confused about this behavior, if you don’t fear eternal punishment for drinking and fucking or whatever, then what motivates them to avoid activities that many people deem as pleasurable? I’ll be honest, the first thing I think is that they are just prudes, but I don’t want to be insensitive. I’d rather understand people before judging them, because I know that are many different things that drives behavior and some aren't obvious. And, to avoid conflict, because I seem to get into a lot of conflicts about this. I would like know some concrete reasons why some non-religious people avoid things that will bring them pleasure. Maybe if I can identify the real reasons, I will know how to handle them better in the future.

How can I get rent back from a room I need to leave

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 10:27:20 -0800

Scary roommate situation. I want to leave and I'm trying to figure out if I have any way of getting my money back, which I really need to help me get another room. I moved into a room in a 2BR apartment on the 1st of June with a pair of strangers who are husband and wife. Yesterday (the 4th) I woke up to my roommates having a screaming physical fight which included banging in the hall so much that my own bedroom door popped open. I believe that opening was accidental (rather than purposeful at me) but still it was additionally scary.

After 10 minutes husband left the house still screaming angrily and the wife was sobbing in their room for at least 50 minutes after, real sobbing that didn't stop. She wouldn't respond to me and I didn't know what to do for her.

For me it was clear I should leave and take with me my valuables and things that I care about. So I did that, leaving with my large bags, and spent the day wondering how to leave the room and how to get my rent money back which I really need to find a new place. I have spent the night at a friend's place which is not someplace I can stay more than a night.

What they have is two things from me, $450 deposit check and $485 cash I gave on the 1st of June for first month's rent/utilities. They had not cashed the check, so I stopped payment on that after I left their house yesterday morning. So that is safe. Although I'm afraid that will anger the husband more if he finds out I stopped it.

I already know I was stupid to give them money without a lease. I was desperate for a place to live after my previous place for June cancelled, so I moved in this place without a lease.

After I was safely away from the house I left some upset voicemails on the wife's machine (I don't have husband's number). She left me sad messages saying what happened had nothing to do with me and I should please come back, this is my home. That implies to me that she thinks it's okay what happened. Also I'm scared of the husband now. I dont want to sleep in the same house with him especially with a door that doesn't lock or even really latch strongly (old house, not in good repair).

I don't know best approach to try getting the money back. I am clear that I have no legal claim to the money or proof that I gave them money whatsoever. I want to find a way for them to give me part of the 485 back, and I want ideally to get access to take away the rest of my stuff, but the money is much more important than the stuff left behind which is just my air mattress, lamp and smaller items. Also I don't want to be inside the house with the husband.

banking on banksy

kidsleepy — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 13:30:17 -0800

I'm looking for a photo of Banksy-style graffiti involving rabbits fighting each other. I had it as my desktop image a year or two ago, and now I can't find it. I don't recall too many details, but it did somehow involve rabbits and violence. I think it was stenciled graffiti, very similar to what Banksy does. Does this image ring a bell to anyone? Know where I can find it online?

(ps - I looked through his book back in January and this image wasn't included, so that leads me to believe it might not be his)

How do I re-desensitize myself to violence?

quarterframer — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 10:23:54 -0800

Last fall I served on a jury for a six week murder trial, now I can’t watch scary stuff on my TV. Jury duty was a positive experience overall. The trial was fascinating. The murder itself was brutal. The verdict was guilty. I had no bad dreams during or after. Talked a lot about it to curious friends after the trial, so I don’t think there was anything I suppressed or repressed. I don’t think about it anymore in day to day life.

But it did leave me altered in that I no longer have the stomach for violent movies or television. It seems to be only violence of the more realistic/brutal kind that I can’t watch. Last night I had to stop watching Scorsese’s “The Departed” after about half an hour. Meanwhile, comic or over-the-top violence is not a problem (for example, “Live Free of Die Hard” didn’t bug me) and neither is just reading about violent acts in novels or newspapers.

So I’m wondering:

1) Is this actually a good thing? Is it more natural to find violence unappealing and revolting? Maybe to find it entertaining in the first place is kind of twisted. But I used to love watching that stuff!

2) If it is a bad thing and I should get over it, how do I become desensitized to the culturally acceptable norm of violent entertainment?

(If this insight into my psyche helps, I grew up in a family that raised animals as food. I got a creepy feeling cutting up cows as a youth and became a lifelong vegetarian. My reaction now to seeing violence on TV reminds me very strongly of my feelings about violence toward animals. At the same time, I have absolutely no problem with hunters and farmers etc. who know/respect where their meat comes from. I am not a militant or against eating meat in general.)

Chess Is War

terrortubby — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 08:06:27 -0800

Help me find an article about chess, might have involved Garry Kasparov, might have been in Smithsonian magazine and/or on the Blue likening chess playing to a really violent sport with quotes like this "There is nothing cute or charming about chess; it is a violent sport, and when you confront your opponent you set out to crush his ego." from this article but I recall it being longer and in a more general magazine.

How to cope with an abusive and violent brother?

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 20:06:44 -0800

Domestic violence filter : Please help me to cope with my abusive und violent brother. My twin brother gains satisfaction from ruining my life. What shall I do? (lengthy explanation) Hello everybody. I have some sincere problems. Otherwise I would certainly not bug you. But maybe some of you might be able to help me out. After all, AskMeFi has a really strong community.

I am a 20 years old German (please excuse my bad English) who attends a local university and works part-time to pay for the expenses. I suffer from physical and mental abuse (since a year now) from my twin brother who is far stronger than me,although I do some weightlifting. He is quite lazy and does not want to study anymore. This is why he currently undergoes on-the-job-training at a bank. Unfortunately, however, he is only occupied with this work for about 7 hours a day. He goes out with friends practically every evening. Until then, however, he does not know what to do and harrasses me in every possible way:

He turns his music extremely loud so that I cannot concentrate on my studying. Or he makes me crazy by banging his fist rhythmically against the wall, that is seperating his room from mine, for extended periods of time. Whenever I encounter him in the corridor he violently bumps into me, sometimes so strongly that I fall to the ground.

He calls me names. He especially likes to cite Gunnery Sergeant Hartman - a character from the movie Full Metal Jacket- word for word calling me Private Pyle and shouting exactly the same lines at me as those in the film. THIS IS NO JOKE.

Apart from domineering over me my brother spents most of his time at home watching TV. I figured I could use this agaist him. This is why I began to run into the living room and (threaten him to) turn off the set-top box, whenever I just could not take it anymore. The set-top box can only be switched on again by entering a Pin code only known to my father. As a result my brother could not watch TV at least until late evening, when my father came home from work. After a few times of beating me up as a form of punishment he recognized that I hazard the consequences and things seemed to get better. But then he began to -slightly though- choke our Dachshund - whom I care for very much - whenever I turned off the TV. As a matter of fact, my only leverage went down the drain.

The only advise my parents give me is to ignore and to evade him, whichs is hardly possible, as he seeks the dispute. Apart from that they (can) do practically nothing to stop my brother. On the one hand, they do notwant to kick him out of the house. On the other hand they could not do so, even if they wanted do, because my brother overpower my dad.

What can I do to improve this situation? Calling the police is definitively a no-no. My parents do not approve this at all in fear of rumours. I cannot move out, either, because I simply can't afford that. Since I already work 6 hours a day, I would not have enough time to study, if I took on a second job to pay the rent.

Please tell me your ideas.

religious and capitalist violence in theory

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:57:07 -0800

Can you refer me to sophisticated discussions of violence that is driven by hybrid forms of capitalism and religion? You may think it's odd that I'd ask this anonymously; however professionally I'm supposed to know about this, and I'm on the job market. Best, I think, to keep my ignorance under wraps.

Many books (whether you agree with them or not) discuss the propensity of capitalism to engage in violence, as a means or even an end (violence that ranges from subtle alienation effects to global wars of empire).

There are also plenty of books that discuss religious motivations towards violence.

But what books or articles discuss these both? I'm interested primarily in academic publications rather than, say, popular accounts of the subject that you might find in books such as Ben Barber's _Jihad vs. McWorld_.

I really liked Tom Frank's popular _One Market Under God_, and I'm looking for something slightly more scholarly that extends Frank's observation that postmodern neo-liberalism tends to see elements of the divine in market forces, and that discusses how theism and capitalism sometimes (or always) work together to justify violence.

Please cite particular works, rather than just saying "Marx talks about this" or etc. Books or articles that start from or mention Weber's _Protestant Ethic_ might be especially useful. Thanks very much.

We've Been Revealed

SansPoint — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 08:47:09 -0800

Is my college being negligent about the safety of my housemate and myself? Recently, I filed a report with university police about my housemate who has made violent threats on another housemate and me. The school is holding a disciplinary hearing on Thursday about him, and has called the other housemate and I to testify. They notified the housemate who made the threats as well, informing him that we would be testifying against him.

Because of this, when I came home, I spent much of the night with my bedroom door barricaded, in fear for my own safety, and stayed awake much of the night. He did not come home until six AM, though I was worried (with cause) as to what he would do. Has the school endangered my housemate and myself by revealing our identities?

Maybe I can proofread the website?

mdonley — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 12:13:30 -0800

What is the best way for me - a gay man living in a country where I don't speak much of the language and where gay people are relatively repressed - to promote greater rights for gay people here? I'm an English teacher in Riga, the capital of Latvia in eastern Europe. While there's a gay rights organization here called Mozaika that I'd like to work with if they'll have me, I worry that the language barrier will be a big issue, not just in the office but at public events as well, especially dealing with police, protesters, and the like.

A larger problem is that, as far as I've come to understand in my month or so here, Latvia is one of the least progressive places in Europe with regards to gay rights. I worry that playing a public role or being present in the media as an English-language resource for interviews or for other media generation would inform my students and/or their parents of my sexuality and perhaps bring negative consequences to me or my allies and colleagues at the language school I work at, anything from lower class attendance to being beat up on the street.

I realize that the threat of violence may sound a little far-fetched to those of you in more progressive regions of the world, but a look at this anti-gay Latvian website, No Pride, pretty well lays out the thesis that at least some section of the population here believes that gay people, especially gay men like myself, are out to "convert" straight people - especially kids and teens - to being gay, through things like pedophilia; check out this poll on their website. Again, back home in California, these arguments don't really hold any water, but homosexuality was only decriminalized here in 1992 and there are some pretty powerful forces at work against gay people here; gay marriage has already been banned.

So then, what can I do? I don't think I want a public role at all, but I want to help my brothers and sisters here feel a little more liberated. I don't have a lot of money, but I do have time, and I'm a hell of a proofreader. I don't want to be ruled by fear, but I'd prefer to remain safe.

My e-mail's in the profile if you'd rather respond that way.